"Your friend Mr. Pate seems to be a very humane and benevolent man,"
said Seddon, when the peacemaker had taken his departure.
"None more so," said Belton. "Pate is not more remarkable for his
extraordinary genius than for the vast quantity of the milk of human
kindness which he has in his composition. It was the activity and
originality of his mind, controlled by the benevolence of his
disposition, which caused him to become the founder of a secret order,
which will some day make his name illustrious in the annals of the
benefactors of the human race."
"To what order do you allude?"
"To the M. O. O. S. S."
"What do those letters signify?"
"The Mystic Order of Seven Sweethearts."
"The Mystic Order of Seven Sweethearts! Why, Toney, you are joking! Who
ever heard of such an organization?"
"No joke at all. You have heard of the Order of Seven Wise Men, have you
not?"
"Why, yes; but that is an organization founded on principles of
benevolence,--somewhat like the Masons, or Odd-Fellows, I suppose."
"And so is the Mystic Order of Seven Sweethearts. It is founded on
principles of benevolence. Its object is the welfare of woman."
"In what way do they propose to promote so desirable an object?"
"Pate is a keen observer and a profound and original thinker; and after
much meditation he arrived at the conclusion that single women are much
happier than those who are married, as is evident from the gayety of
young girls, and the sedate, subdued, and careworn appearance of the
majority of their wedded sisters. Could girls be persuaded that a state
of single blessedness is preferable, all would be well; but the giddy
things have their heads full of love and romance, and are but too eager
to run into the meshes of matrimony. In all ages, and in all countries,
this proclivity of the female sex has been apparent. Even in Crim
Tartary, where marriages are solemnized by the singular ceremony of a
horse-race, and where the maiden is mounted on a fleet courser, and has
the advantage of half a mile start of the man, who must catch her before
she reaches a certain designated point in the road, or there is no
marriage, what is usually the result? Why, as soon as the word 'Go!' is
given, the man makes a vigorous application of whip and spur, while the
silly jade, though admirably mounted, holds in her horse and allows
herself to be caught before she gets to the end of the course. From
extensive observation, Pate was convinced that women are the same all
over the world, and will either rush into matrimony, or, like the Tartar
maiden, let matrimony overtake them on the road. He plainly perceived
that no argument, admonition, or persuasion could prevent them from so
doing, and therefore determined on the adoption of a plan which, when
thoroughly perfected, will render it almost impossible for young maidens
to get married."
"How is that to be accomplished?"
"The Order of Seven Sweethearts is composed of men who cannot marry.
They are as strictly a brotherhood of bachelors as were the Fratres
Ignorantiae, or any other monkish order of the olden times. Their duties
are important and onerous. They are under an obligation to court all
young women, but must never propose marriage. They are especially
instructed to be vigilant and prevent gentlemen, who are evidently
premeditating matrimony, from paying any of those little delicate
attentions which are preliminary to such an event. In order that they
may do this, they are required to be in all houses inhabited by young
ladies at an early hour in the evening, and are forbidden to leave until
every hat and cane have disappeared from the hall. It was thus that
Simon Dobbs was prevented from enjoying the society of Susan."
"Pray who is Simon Dobbs?"
"A very worthy citizen of my town. Dobbs had a snug home, and knew a
sweet little angel who hadn't a pair of wings behind her shoulders and
couldn't fly away, and he longed for an opportunity to invite her to
take possession of his domicile. On a certain evening Dobbs was sitting
alone on his porch in the moonlight, and was indulging in a delicious
reverie, in which visions of future felicity became beautifully
apparent. In ten years after this angelic being had taken charge of his
domestic affairs he would have--here Dobbs began to count on his
fingers--one--two--three--four--five--six--yes, seven sweet little
cherubs fluttering around him,--three girls and four boys,--two of them
twins, and the finest fellows you ever saw in your life. Here Dobbs
snatched up his hat and hurried off to see Susan, fully determined on a
matrimonial proposal. But when the unlucky Dobbs entered the parlor he
found one of the mystic brotherhood seated by her side. Dobbs waited
until a late hour, and was compelled to go home without an opportunity
of saying a word on the important subject which occupied all his
thoughts. Dobbs dreamed of Susan and the seven sweet little cherubs
every night, and every evening, when he called to see her, he found one
of the order on duty in the parlor. Poor Dobbs wanted to ask Susan a
simple question, but doubted the propriety of doing so in the presence
of witnesses. On one occasion Dobbs lingered to a late hour, in the hope
that Perch, who was seated by the side of Susan, would leave. The clock
struck twelve and Perch still remained on duty. It was then that Dobbs
began to seriously apprehend his fate. Unless Azrael should interpose
and remove Perch and his brethren to another sphere of existence, his
house would never become the habitation of an angel and seven sweet
little cherubs. That night Dobbs went home in despair and wished he was
a ghost."
"A what?"
"A ghost. Now, Mr. Seddon, you need not open your eyes in wonder at such
a wish, for I tell you that those invisible gentlemen who perambulate
the air have a great advantage over us poor mortals, who have to waddle
about on two legs and carry a burden of one hundred and fifty or two
hundred pounds of flesh on our bones, which is a manifest inconvenience
to freedom of locomotion. A ghost can do pretty much as he sees fit. He
can get on a car and travel as long as he pleases, and the conductor
will not nudge him and ask him for his ticket. He can seat himself every
Sunday in the best pew of the most fashionable church, and nobody will
ever call upon him for pew rent; and he can go to theaters and all
places of amusement without apprehension of having his pockets picked or
his watch stolen. A ghost never hits his shins against anything in the
dark which will make a saint in the flesh swear, but can pass through a
stone wall like a current of electricity; and when he wants to be in any
distant place, all he has to do is to ride on his own wish and be
instantly conveyed to the spot. He can stand with his bare feet on the
tip of the North Pole without danger to his ten toes from the frost, and
he can then by mere volition instantaneously transfer himself to the
tropics, where, as Captain Bragg has informed me, the milk of the
cocoanut almost scalds a monkey's mouth at mid-day, and at either place
the temperature is just as agreeable to a ghost. A ghost can slip down
his neighbor's chimney and peep into his pot and see what he is going to
have for his dinner."
"That," said Seddon, "must be a great satisfaction to the ghosts of
those enterprising individuals who are given to minding other people's
business instead of attending to their own."
"Very true. But don't interrupt me, Tom, now I am on the subject of
ghosts. Among the manifest advantages of being a ghost is one which
above all others is deserving of especial consideration. A ghost can see
a person's thoughts. Being fond of sweet things, ghosts experience great
pleasure in watching the thoughts of ladies who are meditating upon
their absent lovers. When a young maiden is thinking about her lover who
is far away, her thoughts wander off to him and return, looking as sweet
as little bees with their legs laden with honey leaving a field of
fragrant clover and coming home to the hive. And if any poor fellow has
a sweetheart, and is not certain whether she cares a fig for him or
not, he should not be sitting all day in the dumps and looking as sulky
as a bear with a sore head. Just let him make a ghost of himself, and he
will be able to see down to the very bottom of her gizzard; and if she
cares anything about him, her thoughts will look like lumps of
candy-kisses, labeled with poetry and wrapped up in blue paper."
"I wouldn't mind being a ghost myself," said Seddon.
"In order that you might have a peep at the musings and meditations of
pretty Ida? But you blush, Tom."
"Nonsense, Toney. Go on with your story about Dobbs. I am much
interested in the poor fellow's fate."
"Well, Dobbs had an intuitive perception of the advantages which I have
mentioned; and so he ardently desired to be a ghost. But seeing no
chance of soon being promoted to a ghostship, and not being able to
ascertain the sentiments of Susan while he remained in the flesh, he was
finally compelled to leave her in the hands of the mystic brotherhood.
In his solitary home be now began to brood over his misfortune. He came
to the conclusion that a bachelor is much in the condition of an
ownerless dog,--nobody caring whether he is brought home dead or alive;
while if a Benedict even barks his shins, he has some one to sympathize
with him and soothe him with caresses, which check his inclination to
utter profane exclamations and enable him to endure the severe trial
with manly fortitude. So, after much meditation, Dobbs determined that
as he was not permitted to obtain an angel for love, he would see if he
could not get a woman for money. Immediately subsequent to the adoption
of this wise resolution he was on a visit to one of our metropolitan
towns, and while walking the street observed in large letters over a
door the words FAMILIES SUPPLIED HERE. Dobbs came to the conclusion that
it was the very place he was looking for. So he walked in and asked a
surly giant who seemed to have charge of the establishment, if he could
furnish him with----"
"An angel and seven sweet little cherubs?"
"Not so. Perhaps the state of his finances did not admit of so
extravagant a purchase. He simply asked if he could furnish him with a
wife and a couple of children, either girls or boys,--he was not
particular which they were."
"I suppose that his moderate demand was complied with?"
"I am sorry to say that it was not. Persons are liable to be
misunderstood. The big fellow was in an ill humor, and supposed that
Dobbs wanted to make game of him. He replied in rude and insulting
language, and aimed several imprecations at his customer's organs of
vision. Dobbs's blood began to boil, and he reciprocated the
shopkeeper's compliments in synonymous terms. Then he suddenly saw a
multitude of stars before his eyes and found himself in a recumbent
position on the floor. Dobbs went home looking very much like a man who
had inadvertently overturned a bee-hive and seriously irritated its
inhabitants. His sad experience caused him to abandon all hope of
obtaining a wife either for love or for money."
"And so the Mystic Order of Seven Sweethearts baffled poor Dobbs in his
efforts to adorn his domicile with an angel and seven sweet little
cherubs! But what became of Susan?"
"She is still in a state of single blessedness. Every evening some one
of the Order of Seven Sweethearts may be seen seated by her side. They
ride with her, and walk with her, and talk love to her, but never
propose matrimony. Of course, the rules of the order forbid them to do
that; and never but once was a brother known to be unfaithful to his
vows. William Wiggins was the recreant member, and he was severely
punished for his want of fidelity."
"In what way?"
"He was tried and convicted of the grave offense of falling in love with
the land and negroes of a certain widow and proposing marriage. M. T.
Pate delivered the sentence of expulsion in a very feeling speech, which
drew tears from the eyes of every member of the brotherhood."
"What did Wiggins do?"
"Ostracized by his brethren, he proceeded to lay siege to the widow
with great activity, and with such success that she soon capitulated."
"And I suppose that they were married and----"
"You are too fast, Tom. They encountered a stumbling-block on their road
to the altar. Through the culpable negligence of his parents, Wiggins
had never been baptized, and the widow, being a strict member of the
church, would not consent to marry a man whose spiritual condition
approximated to that of a poor benighted heathen. She insisted that he
should either be sprinkled or immersed before the solemnization of the
nuptial ceremony. Wiggins, who was willing to undergo any ordeal for the
sake of the real and personal property of the bewitching widow, agreed
to be sprinkled; and it was arranged that the consecrated fluid should
be applied on the morning of an appointed day, and that they should be
married in the afternoon and immediately proceed on their wedding tour.
In the mean while Wiggins, in order to be fully prepared, procured a
book containing the usual questions and answers, and labored hard in
committing to memory the responses which would be required of him in
each ceremony. When the eventful day arrived, he flattered himself that
his preparation had been thorough; and in the first ceremony be
acquitted himself admirably. But when he stood before the altar with the
blushing widow be got strangely confused, and upon being asked, 'Wilt
thou have this woman for thy wedded wife?' to the utter astonishment of
the worthy clergyman he replied, in a decided tone, 'I renounce them
all, and pray God that I may not be led nor governed by them.' The widow
screamed as if a mouse had run over the tips of her toes, and was
carried out of the church in a fainting fit. Wiggins followed, and when
she was restored to consciousness wanted to explain; but she vehemently
denounced him as a villain who had decoyed her to the church by false
pretenses in order that he might insult her before the very altar and in
the presence of her venerable pastor. From that day she would have
nothing more to say to him, and he was compelled to abandon all hope of
ever obtaining possession of her real and personal estate. The reply
which Wiggins made to the minister who wanted to marry him to the widow
having been reported to M. T. Pate, he immediately expressed an opinion
that it afforded satisfactory proof of the sincere repentance of their
unfortunate and erring brother. By Pate's advice, Wiggins was again
received into the order, and is now here in Bella Vista for the purpose
of performing his duty as a faithful and efficient member of the mystic
brotherhood."
"I would really like to hear more of this man M. T. Pate," said Seddon.
"My curiosity has been aroused, and I desire to know something of his
previous history."
"Your desire can be easily gratified. I have already commenced writing
his biography."
"Writing his biography?"
"Yes. It is perfectly apparent to me that M. T. Pate is destined to
become a very distinguished personage. Somebody will write his
biography, and why not I? One chapter has been completed, which, with
your permission, I will read."
At that moment there was a knock at the door, and Captain Bragg entered
the room.