Toad Allen's Elopement.
"Four days after that pinfeather person," remarked the Old Cattleman,
while refilling his pipe, "four days after that pinfeather person gains
Old Man Enright's consent to make use of Wolfville as a pivotal p'int
in a elopement, him an' his loved one comes bulgin' into camp. They
floats over in one of these yere mountain waggons, what some folks
calls a 'buckboard'; the pinfeather person's drivin'. Between him an'
his intended--all three settin' on the one seat--perches a preacher
gent, who it's plain from the look in his eyes is held in a sort o'
captivity that a-way. What nacherally bolsters up this theory is that
the maiden's got a six-shooter in her lap.
"'Which if thar's a wearied hectored gent in Arizona,' observes the
pinfeather party, as he descends outen the buckboard at the corral an'
tosses the reins to a hoss-hustler, 'you-all can come weavin' up an'
chance a yellow stack that I'm shore that gent.'
"The preacher sharp, who's about as young an' new as the pinfeather
party, looks like he yoonites with him in them views. As they onload
themse'fs, the pinfeather person waves his hand to where we-all's
gathered to welcome 'em, an' says by way of introduction:
"'Gents, yere's Abby; or as this Bible sport will say later in the
cer'mony, Abigail Glegg.'
"Of course, we, who represents the Wolfville public, comports ourse'fs
as becomes gents of dignity, an' after takin' off our sombreros, plumb
p'lite, Enright su'gests the O.K. Restauraw as a base of op'rations.
"'Don't you-all reckon,' says Enright to the pinfeather party, 'that
pendin' hostilities, Abby had better go over to Missis Rucker's? Thar
she gets combs an' breshes an' goes over her make-up an' straightens
out her game.'
"The pinfeather party allows this yere is a excellent notion, only him
an' Abby don't seem cl'ar as to what oughter be done about the preacher
sharp.
"'You see, he don't want to come,' explains the pinfeather party, 'an'
it's cost me an' Abby a heap of trouble to round him up. I ain't none
shore but he seizes on the first chance to go stampedin'; an' without
him these rites we-all is bankin' on would cripple down.'
"'No, friends,' says the preacher sharp; 'I will promise to abide by
you an' embrace no openin' to escape. Since I'm here I will yoonite
you-all as you wish; the more readily because I trusts that as man an'
wife you'll prove a mootual restraint one upon the other; an' also for
that I deems you both in your single-footed capac'ty as a threat to the
commoonity. Fear not; prepare yourse'fs an' I'll bring you together in
the happy bonds of matrimony at the drop of the hat.'
"'You notes, Dan,' says Texas Thompson, who's off to one side with Dan
Boggs, 'you notes he talks like his heart's resentful. Them culprits
has r'iled him up; an' now he allows that the short cut to play even is
to marry 'em as they deserves. Which if you-all knows that former wife
of mine, Dan, you'll appreciate what I says.'
"Even after the preacher sharp gives his p'role, Abby acts plenty
doobious. She ain't shore it's wise to throw him loose. It's Doc
Peets who reasshores her.
"'My dear young lady,' says Peets, at the same time bowin' to the
ground, 'you may trust this maverick with me. I'll pledge my word to
prodooce him at the moment when he's called for to make these nuptials
win.'
"'Which I'm aheap obleeged to you, Mister,' says Abby to Peets, sizing
him up approvin'; 'an' now that I'm convinced thar's no chance of my
footure sufferin' from any absenteeism on the part of this pastor, I
reckons I better go over, like you-all hints, an' take a look or two in
the glass. It ain't goin' to consoome a moment, however,--this yere
titivation I plans; an' followin' said improvements we-all better pull
off this play some prompt. My paw,--old Ben Glegg,--is on our trail
not five miles behind; he'll land yere in half a hour an' I ain't none
convinced he won't land shootin'.' An' with this bluff, an' confidin'
the preacher sharp to Peets, Abby goes curvin' over to the O.K.
Restauraw.
"However does this yere virgin look? Son, I hes'tates to deescribe a
lady onless the facts flows fav'rable for her. Which I'll take chances
an' lie a lot to say that any lady's beautiful, if you-all will only
give me so much as one good feacher to go on. But I'm powerless in the
instance of Abby. That's a blizzard effect to her face; an' the best
you can say is that if she don't look lovely, at least she looks
convincin'. The gnurliest pineknot burns frequent the hottest, an' you
can take my word for it, this Abby girl has sperit. Speakin' of her
appearance, personal, Missis Rucker--who's a fair jedge--allows later
to Enright that if Abby's a kyard in a faro game, she'd play her to
lose.
"'Which she looks like a sick cat in the face, an' a greyhoun' in the
waist,' says Missis Rucker; 'an' I ain't got mortal use for no sech
spindlin' trollops as this yere Abby girl is, nohow.'
"'I don't know,' says Enright, shakin' his head; 'I ain't been enriched
with much practical experience with women, but I reckons now it's love
that does it. Whoever is that gent, Peets, who says, "love is blind"?
He knows his business, that sport does, an' about calls the turn.'
"'I ain't none so shore neither,' says Peets. 'Love may be blind, but
somehow, I don't sign up the play that way. Thar's plenty of people,
same as this pinfeather party, who discerns beauties in their
sweethearts that's veiled to you an' me.'
"Of course, these yere discussions concernin' Abby's charms takes place
weeks later. On the weddin' day, Wolfville's too busy trackin' 'round
an' backin' Abby's game to go makin' remarks. In this connection,
however, it's only right to Abby to say that her pinfeather beau don't
share Missis Rucker's views. Although Abby done threatens him with a
gun-play to make him lead her to the altar that time her old paw
creases him, an' he begins to wax low-sperited about wedlock, still,
the pinfeather party's enamoured of Abby an' wropped up in her.
"'Shore! says this pinfeather party to Texas Thompson, who, outen pity
for him, takes the bridegroom over to the Red Light, to be refreshed;
'shore! while thar's no one that egreegious to go claimin' that my
Abby's doo to grade as "cornfed," all the same she's one of the most
fascinatin' ladies,--that is, an' give her a gun,--in all the len'th
an' breadth of Arizona. I knows; for I've seen my Abby shoot.'
"'Excoose me, pard,' says Texas, after surveyin' the pinfeather party
plenty sympathetic; 'pardon my seemin' roodness, if I confers with the
barkeep aside. On the level! now,' goes on Texas to Black Jack as he
pulls him off to a corner an' whispers so the pinfeather party don't
hear; 'on the level, Jack! ain't it my dooty--me who saveys what he's
ag'inst--to go warn this victim ag'in matrimony in all its horrors?'
"'Don't you do it!' remonstrates Black Jack, an' his voice trembles
with the emphasis he feels; 'don't you do it none! You-all stand paws
off! Which you don't know what you'll be answerable for! If this yere
marriage gets broke off, who knows what new line of conduct this Abby
maiden will put out. She may rope onto Boggs, or Peets, or mebby even
me. As long as Abby ain't marryin' none of us, Wolfville's attitoode
oughter be one of dignified nootrality.'
"Texas sighs deep an' sad as he turns ag'in to the pinfeather party;
but he sees the force of Black Jack's argyments an' yields without a
effort to combat 'em.
"'After all,' says Texas bitterly to himse'f, 'others has suffered;
wherefore, then, should this jaybird gent escape?' An' with that,
Texas hardens his heart an' gives up any notion of the pinfeather
person's rescoo.
"Which Abby now issues forth of the O.K. Restauraw an' j'ines the
pinfeather party when he emerges from the Red Light.
"'This sky pilot,' says Dan Boggs, approachin' the happy couple, 'sends
word by me that he's over in the New York store. In deefault of a
shore-enough sanchooary, he allows he yootilises that depot of trade as
a headquarters; an' he's now waitin', all keyed up an' ready to turn
his little game. Likewise, he's been complainin' 'round some querulous
that you folks is harsh with him, an' abducts him an' threatens his
skelp.'
"'Now, see thar!' ejac'lates Abby, liftin' up her hands. 'Does mortal
y'ears ever before listen to sech folly! I suppose he takes that gun I
has as threats! I'm a onprotected young female, an' nacherally, when I
embarks on this yere elopement, I packs one of paw's guns. Besides,
this sweetheart of mine might get cold feet, an' try to jump the game,
an' then I'd need said weepon to make good my p'sition. But it's never
meant for that pastor! When I'm talkin' to him to prevail on him to
come along, an' that gun in my hand at the time, I does sort o' make
references to him with the muzzle. But he needn't go gettin'
birdheaded over it; thar's nothin' hostile meant!'
"'Enright explains to him satisfact'ry,' says Boggs. 'An' as you
urges, it don't mean nothin'. Folks on the brink of bein' married that
a-way gets so joyfully bewildered it comes mighty near the same as
bein' locoed.'
"'Well,' says the pinfeather party, who's been stackin' up a dust-cloud
where some one's gallopin' along about three miles over on the trail,
'if I'm any dab at a guess that's your infuriated paw pirootin' along
over yonder, an' we better get these matrimonial hobbles on without
further onreasonable delays. That old murderer would plug me; an' no
more hes'tation than if I'm a coyote! But once I'm moved up into
p'sition as his son-in-law, a feelin' of nearness an' kinship mighty
likely op'rates to stay his hand. Blood's thicker than water, an' I'm
in a hurry to get reelated to your paw.'
"But Enright has his notions of what's proper, an' he su'gests the
services be delayed ontil old Glegg gets in. Meanwhile he despatches
Jack Moore an' Dan Boggs as a gyard of honor to lead old Glegg to our
trystin' place in the New York store.
"'An' the first thing you-all do, Jack,' says Enright, as Jack an' Dan
rides away, 'you get that outcast's guns.'
"It ain't no more'n time for one drink when Jack an' Dan returns in
company of this Glegg. He's a fierce, gray old gent with a eye like a
wolf. Jest before he arrives, Enright advises the pinfeather person
an' the bride Abby, to go camp in the r'ar room so the sudden sight of
'em won't exasp'rate this parent Glegg to madness.
"'Whatever's the meanin' of this yere concourse?' demands old Glegg, as
he comes into the New York store, an' p'intin' to where Peets an' Texas
an' Cherokee Hall, along with Enright, is standin' about; 'an' why does
these hold-ups'--yere he indicates Dan an' Jack,--'denoode me of my
hardware, I'd like to know?'
"'These gents,' says Enright, 'is a quorum of that respectable body
known as the Wolfville Stranglers, otherwise a Vig'lance Committee; an'
your guns was took so as to redooce the chances of hangin' you--the
same bein' some abundant, nacheral,--to minimum. Now who be you? also,
what's your little game?'
"'My name's Benjamin Glegg,' responds old Glegg. 'I owns the Sunflower
brand an' ranch. As for my game: thar's a member of my fam'ly escapes
this mornin'--comes streamin' over yere, I onderstands--an' I'm in the
saddle tryin' to round her up. Gents,' concloods old Glegg, an' he
displays emotion, 'I'm simply a harassed parent on the trail of his
errant offspring.'
"Then Enright makes old Glegg a long, soft talk, an' seeks to imboo him
with ca'mness. He relates how Abby an' the pinfeather sport dotes on
each other; an' counsels old Glegg not to come pesterin' about with
roode objections to the weddin'.
"'Which I says this as your friend,' remarks Enright.
"'It's as the scripter says,' replies old Glegg, who's mollified a lot,
'it's as the good book says: A soft answer turneth away wrath; but more
speshully when the opp'sition's got your guns. I begins to see things
different. Still, I hates to lose my Abby that a-way. Since my old
woman dies, Abby, gents, has been the world an' all to me.'
"'Is your wife dead?" asks Enright, like he sympathises.
"'Shore!' says old Glegg; 'been out an' gone these two years. She's
with them cherubim in glory. But folks, you oughter seen her to
onderstand my loss. Five years ago we has a ranch over back of the
Tres Hermanas by the Mexico line. The Injuns used to go lopin' by our
ranch, no'th an' south, all the time. You-all recalls when they pays
twenty-five dollars for skelps in Tucson? My wife's that thrifty them
days that she buys all her own an' my child Abby's clothes with the
Injuns she pots. Little Abby used to scout for her maw. "Yere comes
another!" little Abby would cry, as she stampedes up all breathless,
her childish face aglow. With that, my wife would take her hands outen
the wash-tub, snag onto that savage with her little old Winchester, and
quit winner twenty-five right thar.'
"'Which I don't marvel you-all mourns her loss,' says Enright
consolin'ly.
"'She's shorely--Missis Glegg is--' says old Glegg, shakin' his grizzly
head; 'she's shore the most meteoric married lady of which hist'ry says
a word. My girl Abby's like her.'
"'But whatever's your objection,' argues Enright, 'to this young an'
trusty sport who's so eager to wed Abby?'
"'I objects to him because he gambles,' says old Glegg. 'I can see he
gambles by him pickin' up the salt cellar between his thumb an' middle
finger with the forefinger over the top like it's a stack of chips, one
evenin' when he stays to supper an' I asks him to "pass the salt."
Then ag'in, he don't drink; he tells me so himse'f when I invites him
to libate. I ain't goin' to have no teetotal son-in-law around,
over-powerin' me in a moral way; I'd feel criticised an' I couldn't
stand it, gents. Lastly, I don't like this yere felon's name none.'
"'Whatever is his name, then?' asks Enright. 'So far he don't confide
no title to us.'
"'An' I don't wonder none!' says old Glegg. 'It shows he's decent
enough to be ashamed. Thar's hopes of him yet. Gents, his name's Toad
Allen. "Allen" goes, but, gents, I flies in the air at "Toad." Do
you-all blame me? I asks you, as onbiased sports, would you set ca'mly
down while a party named "Toad" puts himse'f in nom'nation to be your
son-in-law?'
"'None whatever!' says Jack Moore; an' Dan an' Cherokee an' Texas
echoes the remark.
"'You-all camp down yere with a tumbler of Valley Tan,' says Enright,
'an' make yourse'f comfortable with my colleagues, while I goes an'
consults with our Gretna Green outfit in the r'ar room.'
"Enright returns after a bit, an' his face has that air of
se'f-satisfaction that goes with a gent who's playin' on velvet.
"'Your comin' son-in-law,' says Enright to old Glegg, 'defends himse'f
from them charges as follows: He agrees to quit gamblin'; he says he
lies a whole lot when he tells you-all he don't drink none; an' lastly,
deplorin' "Toad" as a cognomen, an' explainin' that he don't assoome it
of free choice but sort o' has it sawed off on him in he'pless infancy,
he offers--you consentin' to the weddin'--to reorganise onder the name
of "Benjamin Glegg Allen."'
"Son, this yere last proposal wins over old Glegg in a body. He not
only withdraws all objections to the nuptials, but allows he'll make
the pinfeather sport an' Abby full partners in the Sunflower. At this
p'int, Enright notifies the preacher sharp that all depends on him; an'
that excellent teacher at once acquits himse'f so that in two minutes
Wolfville adds another successful weddin' to her list of triumphs.
"'It 'lustrates too,' says Enright, when two days later the weddin'
party has returned to Tucson, an' Wolfville ag'in sinks to a normal
state of slumbrous ease, 'it sort o' 'lustrates how open to argyments a
gent is when once he's lost his weepons. Now if he isn't disarmed that
time, my eloquence wouldn't have had no more effect on old Glegg than
throwin' water on a drowned rat.'"