Bowlegs and Major Ben.
"Which this yere Major Ben," remarked the Old Cattleman, "taken in
conjunction with his bosom pard, Billy Bowlaigs, frames up the only
casooalty which gets inaug'rated in Wolfville."
"What!" I interjected; "don't you consider the divers killings,--the
death of the Stinging Lizard and the Dismissal of Silver Phil, to say
nothing of the taking off of the Man from Red Dog--don't you, I say,
consider such bloody matters casualties?"
"No, sir," retorted my friend, emitting the while sundry stubborn puffs
of smoke, "no, sir; I regyards them as results. Tharfore, I reiterates
that this yere Major Ben an' Bowlaigs accomplishes between 'em the only
troo casooalty whereof Wolfville has a record."
At this he paused and surveyed me with an eye of challenge; after a
bit, perceiving that I proposed no further contradiction, he went on:
"This Billy Bowlaigs at first is a cub b'ar--a black cub b'ar: an' when
he grows up to manhood, so to speak, he's as big, an' mighty near as
strong physical, as Dan Boggs. Nacherally, however, Dan lays over
Bowlaigs mental like a ace-full.
"It's Dave Tutt who makes Bowlaigs captive; Dave rounds Bowlaigs up in
his infancy one time when he's pesterin' about over in the foothills of
the Floridas lookin' for blacktail deer. Dave meets up with Bowlaigs
an' the latter's mother who's out, evident, on a scout for grub.
Bowlaig's mother has jest upturned a rotten pine-log to give little
Bowlaigs a chance to rustle some of these yere egreegious white worms
which looks like bald catapillars, that a-way, when all at once around
a p'int of rocks Dave heaves in view. This parent of Bowlaigs is as
besotted about her son as many hooman mothers; for while Bowlaigs
stands almost as high as she does an' weighs clost onto two hundred
pounds, the mother b'ar still has the idee tangled up in her
intelligence that Bowlaigs is that small an' he'pless, day-old kittens
is se'f-sustainin' citizens by compar'son to him. Actin' on these yere
errors, Bowlaig's mother the moment she glimpses Dave grabs young
Bowlaigs by the scruff of the neck an' goes caperin' off up hill with
him. An' to give that parent b'ar full credit, she's gettin' along all
right an' conductin' herse'f as though Bowlaigs don't heft no more than
one of them gooseha'r pillows, when, accidental, she bats pore Bowlaigs
ag'in the bole of a tree--him hangin' outen her mouth about three
foot--an' while the collision shakes that monarch of the forest some,
Bowlaigs gets knocked free of her grip an' goes rollin' down the
mountain-side ag'in like a sack of bran. It puts quite a crimp in
Bowlaigs. The mother b'ar, full of s'licitoode to save her offspring
turns, an' charges Dave; tharupon Dave downs her, an' young Bowlaigs
becomes a orphan an' a pris'ner on the spot.
"Followin' the demise of Bowlaig's mother, Dave sort o' feels
reesponsible for the cub's bringin' up an' he ties him hand an' foot,
an' after peelin' the pelt from the old mother b'ar, packs the entire
outfit into camp. Dave's pony protests with green eyes ag'in carryin'
sech a freight, but Dave has his way as he usually does with everything
except Tucson Jennie.
"At first Dave allows he'll let Bowlaigs live with him a whole lot an'
keep him ontil he grows up, an' construct a pet of him. But as I more
than once makes plain, Dave proposes but Tucson Jennie disposes; an' so
it befalls that on the third day after the cub takes up his residence
with her an' Dave, Jennie arms herse'f with a broom an' harasses the
onfortunate Bowlaigs from her wickeyup. Jennie declar's that she
discovers Bowlaigs organisin' to devour her child Enright Peets Tutt,
who's at that epock comin' three the next spring round-up.
"'I could read it in that Bowlaigs b'ar's eyes,' says Jennie, 'an' it's
mighty lucky a parent's faculties is plumb keen. If I hadn't got in on
the play with my broom, you can bet that inordinate Bowlaigs would have
done eat little Enright Peets all up.
"Shore, no one credits these yere apprehensions of Jennie's; Bowlaigs
would no more have chewed up Enright Peets than he'd played
table-stakes with him; but a fond mother's fears once stampeded is not
to be headed off or ca'med, an' Bowlaigs has to shift his camp a heap.
"Bowlaigs takes up his abode on the heels of him bein' run out by
Tucson Jennie, over to the corral; that is, he bunks in thar temp'rary
at least. An' he shore grows amazin', an' enlarges doorin' the next
three months to sech a degree that when he stands up to the counter in
the Red Light, acceptin' of some proffered drink, Bowlaigs comes clost
to bein' as tall as folks. He early learns throughout his wakeful
moments--what I'd deescribe as his business hours--to make the Red
Light a hang-out; it's the nosepaint he's hankerin' after, for in no
time at all Bowlaigs accoomulates a appetite for rum that's a fa'r
match for that of either Huggins or Old Monte, an' them two sots is for
long known as far west as the Colorado an' as far no'th as the Needles
as the offishul drunkards of Arizona. No; Bowlaigs ain't equal to
pourin' down the raw nosepaint; but Black Jack humours his weakness an'
Bowlaigs is wont to take off his libations about two parts water to one
of whiskey an' a lump of sugar in the bottom, outen one of these big
tumbler glasses; meanwhiles standin' at the bar an' holdin' the glass
between his two paws an' all as ackerate an' steady as the most
talented inebriate.
"'An' Bowlaigs has this distinction,' says Black Jack, alloodin' to the
sugar an' water; 'he's shore the only gent for whom I so far onbends
from reg'lar rools as to mix drinks.'
"Existence goes flowin' onward like some glad sweet song for Bowlaigs
for mighty likely it's two months an' nothin' remarkable eventuates.
He camps in over to the corral, an' except that new ponies, who ain't
onto Bowlaigs, commonly has heart-failure at the sight of him, he don't
found no disturbances nor get in anybody's way. Throughout his wakin'
hours, as I su'gests former, Bowlaigs ha'nts about the Red Light,
layin' guileful an' cunnin' for invites to drink; an' he execootes
besides small excursions to the O.K. Restauraw for chuck, with now an'
then a brief journey to the Post Office or the New York store. These
visits of Bowlaigs to the last two places, both because he don't get no
letters at the post office an' don't demand no clothes at the store, I
attribootes to motives of morbid cur'osity, that a-way.
"The first real trouble that meets up with Bowlaigs--who's got to be a
y'ar old by now--since Jennie fights the dooel with him with that
broom, overtakes him at the O.K. Restauraw. Missis Rucker for one
thing ain't over fond of Bowlaigs, allegin' as he grows older day by
day he looks more an' more like Rucker. Of course, sech views is
figments as much as the alarms of Tucson Jennie about Bowlaigs
meditatin' gettin' away with little Enright Peets; but Missis Rucker,
in spite of whatever we gent folks can say in Bowlaigs's behalf,
believes firm in her own slanders. She asserts that Bowlaigs as he
onfolds looks like Rucker; an' for her at least that settles the
subject an' she assoomes towards Bowlaigs attitoodes which, would
perhaps have been proper had her charge been troo.
"Still, I'll say for that most esteemable lady, that Missis Rucker
never lays for Bowlaigs or assaults him ontil one afternoon when he
catches the dinin'-room deserted an' off its gyard an' goes romancin'
over, cat-foot an' surreptitious, an' cleans up the tables of what
chuck has been placed thar in antic'pation of supper. The first news
Missis Rucker has of the raid is when Bowlaigs gets a half-hitch on the
tablecloth an' winds up his play by yankin' the entire outfit of
spoons, tin plates an' crockery off onto the floor. It's then Missis
Rucker sallies from the kitchen an' puts Bowlaigs to flight.
"Bowlaigs, who's plumb scared, comes lumberin' over to the Red Light
an' puts himse'f onder our protection. Enright squar's it for him; for
when Missis Rucker appears subsequent with a Winchester an' a knife an'
gives it out cold she's goin' to get Bowlaig's hide an' tallow an' sell
'em to pay even for that dinin'-room desolation of which he's the
architect, Enright counts up the damage an' pays over twenty-three
dollars in full settlement. Does Bowlaigs know it? You can gamble the
limit he knows it; for all the time Missis Rucker is prancin' about the
Red Light denouncin' him, he secretes himse'f, shiverin', behind the
bar; an' when that lady withdraws, mollified an' subdooed by the money,
he creeps out, Bowlaigs does, an' cries an' licks Enright's hand. Oh,
he's a mighty appreciative b'ar, pore Bowlaigs is; but his nerves is
that onstrung by the perils he passes through with Missis Rucker it
takes two big drinks to recover his sperits an' make him feel like the
same b'ar. It's Texas Thompson who buys the drinks:
"'For I, of all gents, Bowlaigs,' says Texas, as he invites the
foogitive to the bar, 'onderstands what you-all's been through. It may
be imagination, but jest the same thar's them times when Missis Rucker
goes on the warpath when she reminds me a lot of my divorced Laredo
wife.' With that Texas pours a couple of hookers of Willow Run into
Bowlaigs, an' the latter is a heap cheered an' his pulse declines to
normal.
"It's rum, however, which final is the deestruction of Bowlaigs, same
as it is of plenty of other good people who would have else lived in
honour an' died respected an' been tearfully planted in manner an' form
to do 'em proud.
"Excloosive of that casooalty which marks his wind-up, an' which he
combines with Major Ben to commit, thar's but one action of Bowlaigs a
enemy might call a crime. He does prounce on a mail bag one evenin'
when the post-master ain't lookin', an' shore rends an' worrits them
letters scand'lous.
"Yes, Bowlaigs gets arrested, an' the Stranglers sort o' convenes
informal to consider it. I allers remembers that session of the
Stranglers on account of Doc Peets an' Colonel William Greene Sterett
entertain' opp'site views an' the awful language they indulges in as
they expresses an' sets 'em forth.
"'Which I claims that this Bowlaigs b'ar,' says Peets, combatin' a
suggestion of Dan Boggs who's sympathisin' with an' urges that Bowlaigs
is 'ignorant of law an' tharfore innocent of offence,' 'which I claims
that this Bowlaig b'ar is guilty of rustlin' the mails an' must an'
should be hanged. His ignorance is no defences, for don't each gent
present know of that aphorism of the law, _Ignoratis legia non
excusat_!'
"Dan, nacherally, is enable to combat sech profound bluffs as this, an'
I'm free to confess if it ain't for Colonel Sterett buttin' in with
more Latin, the same bein' of equal cogency with that of Peet's, the
footure would have turned plenty dark an' doobious for Bowlaigs. As
Dan sinks back speechless an' played from Peet's shot, the Colonel, who
bein' eddicated like Peets to a feather aige is ondismayed an' cool,
comes to the rescoo.
"'That law proverb you quotes, Doc,' says the Colonel, 'is dead
c'rrect, an' if argyment was to pitch its last camp thar, your
deductions that this benighted Bowlaigs must swing, would be
ondeniable. But thar's a element lackin' in this affair without which
no offence is feasible. The question is,--an' I slams it at you, Doc,
as a thoughtful eddicated sharp--does this yere Bowlaigs open them
letters an' bust into that mail bag _causa lucrae_? I puts this query
up to you-all, Doc, for answer. It's obv'ous that Bowlaigs ain't got
no notion of money bein' in them missives an' tharfore he couldn't have
been moved by no thoughts of gain. Wherefore I asserts that the deed
is not done _causa lucrae_, an' that the case ag'in this he'pless
Bowlaigs falls to the ground.'
"Followin' this yere collision of the classics between two sech
scientists as Peets an' the Colonel, we-all can be considered as
hangin' mighty anxious on what reply Doc Peets is goin' to make. But
after some thought, Peets agrees with the Colonel. He admits that this
_causa lucrae_ is a bet he overlooks, an' that now the Colonel draws
his attention to it, he's bound to say he believes the Colonel to be
right, an' that Bowlaigs should be made a free onfettered b'ar ag'in.
We breathes easier at this, for the tension has been great, an' Dan
himse'f is that relieved he comes a heap clost to sheddin' tears. The
trial closes with the customary drinks; Bowlaigs gettin' his forty
drops with the rest, on the hocks of which he signalises his
reestoration to his rights an' freedom as a citizen by quilin' up in
his corner an' goin' to sleep.
"But the end is on its lowerin' way for Bowlaigs. Thar's a senile
party who's packed his blankets into camp an' who's called 'Major Ben.'
The Major, so the whisper goes, used to be quartermaster over to Fort
Craig or Fort Apache, or mebby now it's Fort Cummings or some'ers; an'
he gets himse'f dismissed for makin' away with the bank-roll. Be that
as it may, the Major's plenty drunk an' military while he lasts among
us; an' he likewise has _dinero_ for whatever nosepaint an' food an'
farobank he sees fit to go ag'inst. From the jump the Major makes up
to Bowlaigs an' the two become pards. The Major allows he likes
Bowlaigs because he can't talk.
"'Which if all my friends,' says the Major, no doubt alloodin' to them
witnesses ag'in him when he's cashiered, 'couldn't have talked no more
than Bowlaigs, I'd been happy yet.'
"The Major's got a diminyootive wickeyup out to the r'ar of the corral,
an' him an' Bowlaigs resides tharin. This habitat of the Major an'
Bowlaigs ain't much bigger than a seegyar box; it's only eight foot by
ten, is made of barn-boards an' has a canvas roof. That's the kind of
ranch Bowlaigs an' the Major calls 'home'; the latter spreadin' his
blankets on one side while Bowlaigs sleeps on t'other on the board
floor, needin' no blankets, havin' advantage over the Major seein' he's
got fur.
"The dispoote between Bowlaigs an' the Major which results in both of
'em cashin' in, gets started erroneous. The Major--who's sometimes too
indolent an' sometimes too drunk to make the play himse'f--instructs
Bowlaig how to go over to the Red Light an' fetch a bottle of rum. The
Major would chuck a silver dollar in a little basket, an' Bowlaigs
would take it in his mouth same as you-all has seen dogs, an' report
with the layout to Black Jack. That gent would make the shift, bottle
for dollar, an' Bowlaigs would reepair back ag'in to the Major, when
they'd both tank up ecstatic.
"One mornin' after Bowlaigs an' the Major's been campin' together about
four months, they wakes up mighty jaded. They've had a onusual spree
the evenin' prior an' they feels like a couple of sore-head dogs. The
Major who needs a drink to line up for the day, gropes about in his
blankets, gets a dollar, pitches it into the basket an' requests
Bowlaigs to caper over for the Willow Run. Bowlaigs is nothin' loth;
but as he's about to pick up the basket, he observes that the dollar
has done bounced out an' fell through a crack in the floor. Bowlaigs
sees it through the same crack where it's layin' shinin' onder the
house.
"Now this yere Bowlaigs is a mighty sagacious b'ar, also froogal, an'
so he goes wallowin' forth plenty prompt to recover the dollar. The
Major, who's ignorant of what's happened, still lays thar groanin' in
his blankets, feelin' like a loser an' nursin' his remorse.
"The first p'inter the Major gets of a new deal in his destinies is a
grand crash as the entire teepee upheaves an' goes over, kerwallop! on
its side, hurlin' the Major out through the canvas. It's the
thoughtless Bowlaigs does it.
"When Bowlaigs gets outside, he finds he can't crawl onder the teepee
none, seein' it's settin' too clost to the ground; an' tharupon, bein'
a one-ideed b'ar, he sort o' runs his right arm in beneath that edifice
an' up-ends the entire shebang, same as his old mother would a log when
she's grub-huntin' in the hills. Bowlaigs is pickin' up the dollar
when the Major comes swarmin' 'round the ruins of his outfit, a bowie
in his hand, an' him fairly locoed with rage.
"Shore, thar's a fight, an' the Major gets the knife plumb to
Bowlaigs's honest heart with the first motion. But Bowlaigs quits
game; he turns with a warwhoop an' confers on the Major a swat that
would have broke the back of a bronco; an' then he dies with his teeth
in the Major's neck.
"The Major only lives a half hour after we gets thar. An' it's to his
credit that he makes a statement exoneratin' Bowlaigs. 'I don't want
you-all gents,' says the Major, 'to go deemin' hard of this innocent
b'ar, for whatever fault thar is, is mine. Since Texas Thompson picks
up that dollar, this thing is made plain. What I takes for gratooitous
wickedness on Bowlaigs' part is nothin' but his efforts to execoote my
desires. Pore Bowlaigs! it embitters my last moments as I pictures
what must have been his opinions of me when I lams loose at him with
that knife! Bury us in one grave, gents; it'll save trouble an' show
besides that thar's no hard feelin's between me an' Bowlaigs over
what--an' give it the worst name--ain't nothin' but a onfortunate
mistake.'"