“If th' Presidint doesn't step in an' interfere,” said Mr. Hennessy,
“they'll be bloodshed in Kentucky.”
“What business is it iv Mack's?” Mr. Dooley protested. “Th' war's in
this counthry, man alive! If 'twas in Boolgahria or Chiny or on th'
head waters iv th' Bozoon river in th' sooltynate iv--iv--I dinnaw
what--thin'twud be th' jooty iv our gover'mint f'r to resolve that th'
inthrests iv humanity an' civilization an' th' advancement iv th' human
kind required that we shud step in an' put a head on wan or both iv th'
parties. But they'se no reason now, me boy, f'r us to do annything,
f'r these are our own people, an' 'tis wan iv their rights, undher th'
martial law that's th' foundation iv our institutions, to bate each
other to death whiniver an' whereiver they plaze. 'Twud be all r-right
f'r the Impror Willum to come in an' take a hand, but Gawd help him if
he did, or th' Prsidint iv th' Fr-rinch or th' Impror iv Chiny. 'Twud be
all r-right f'r thim. An' though we might meet thim at th' dure an' hand
thim wan f'r their impydince, we'd be in th' wrong. Twud be a good job
f'r Aggynaldoo, too, if he cud find himsilf an' had th' time It must be
clear to him be what news he hears whin th' other pigrim father, Sinitor
Hoar, calls on him in th' three where he makes his home, that what
Kentucky needs now is wan an' on'y wan stable govermint an' a little
public peace. He might restore peace at home an' abroad be cuttin' in,
but th' poor la-ad has other things to think iv. I'd like to see him. It
must be near a year since he had a shave or a hair cut, barrin' ridges
made be bullets as he cleared th' fences.”
“It looks to me as though th' raypublican is wr-rong,” said Mr.
Hennessy, with the judicial manner of a man without prejudices.
“Iv coorse he's wrong,” said Mr. Dooley. “He starts wrong. An' th'
dimmycrats ar-re r-right. They're always r-right. Tis their position.
Th' dimmycrats ar-re right an' the raypublicans has th' jobs. It all
come up because our vinerated party, Hinnissy, ain't quick at th' count.
Man an' boy I've taken an intherest in politics all me life, an' I find
th' on'y way to win an iliction is to begin f'r to count th' minyit
ye've completed th' preliminaries iv closin' th' polls an' killin' th'
other judges an' clerks.
“Th' dimmycrats counted, but th' count come too late. Be th' time th'
apparent an' hidjous majority iv th' raypublicans was rayjooced to
nawthin' an' a good liberal, substantial, legal an' riotous dimmycratic
majority put in its place be ordher iv th' coorts, th' commonwealth iv
Kentucky an' Jack Chinn, th' raypublican has been so long in th'job an'
has become so wedded to it that ye cuddent shake him out with a can
iv joynt powdher. It seems to him that there niver was a time whin he
wasn't gov'nor.”
{Illustration}
“Th' dimmycrats get together an' call on that learned an' incorruptible
joodishary that's done so much to ilivate the party into high office,
an' whin th' dure iv th' saloon is locked they say 'Bill,' they say,
'we're bein' robbed iv our suffrage,' says they. 'Th' hated enimy has
stolen th' ballot an' thrampled on th' r-rights iv th' citizens,' says
they, 'in the southern part iv th' state faster thin we cud undo their
hellish wurruk in our own counties,' they says. 'They now hol' th'
jobs,' they say, 'an' if they stay in they'se no more chanst iv iver
ilictin' a dimmycrat again thin there wud be iv ilictin' a raypublican
if we got in,' they say. 'Do ye mix us up a replevy writ an' we'll go
over an' haul th' chair fr'm undher thim,' they say.”
“So th' judge passes out a replevy writ be vartue iv th' thrust that's
been reposed in him be th' comity and gives it to Colonel Jack Chinn,
wan iv th' leaders iv th' Kentucky bar, f'r to serve. An' Colonel Jack
Chinn ar-rms himsilf as becomes a riprisintative iv a gr-reat coort
goin' to sarve a sacred writ iv replevy on th' usurper to th' loftiest
or wan iv th' loftiest jobs that th' people iv a gloryous state can
donate to a citizen. He sthraps on three gatlin' guns, four revolvers,
two swords, a rifle, a shot gun, a baseball bat, a hand grenade (to be
used on'y in case iv thirst), a pair iv handcuffs, brass knuckles, a
sandbag, a piece of lead pipe in a stockin', a rabbit's foot f'r luck,
a stove lid an' a can iv dinnymite, an' with siveral iv his cillybrated
knives behind his ears, in his hair, between his teeth, an' gleamin'
fr'm his pockets, he sallies forth on his sacred mission, an' gives
th' writ to a clerk to sarve, an' stays in town himsilf, where he
successfully resists all charges iv th' bartinder. Th' clerk goes up to
th' state house, where th' gov'nor is ixicutin' th' high thrust reposed
in him be himsilf, behind breastworks an' guarded be some iv th' most
desp'rate an' pathriotic ruffyans in th' state. 'What have ye there?'
says his ixcillincy, with his hand on th' sthring iv a dinnymite gun. 'A
writ fr'm th' coort bouncin' ye fr'm ye'er high office,' says th'
clerk. 'As a law abidin' citizen,' says his ixcillincy, 'an' an official
enthrusted be th' people iv this glad state with th' exicution iv th'
statutes I bow to th' law,' he says. 'But,' he says, 'I'll be hanged
if I'll bow to th' decree iv anny low browed pussillanimous dimmycratic
coort,' he says, 'Sojers,' he says, 'seize this disturber iv th' peace
an' stick him in th' cellar. Jawn,' he says, 'ar-rm ye'ersilf an'
proceed to th' raypublican timple iv justice in Hogan's saloon an' have
th' stanch an' upright Judge Blood prepare some good honest writs iv
th' party iv Lincoln an' Grant,' he says. 'In th' manetime, as th'
constitootion has lost its sights an' the cylinder don't revolve,' he
says, 'I suspind it an' proclaim martial law,' he says. 'I want a law,'
he says, 'that mesilf an' all other good citizens can rayspict,' he
says. 'I want wan,' he says, 'that's been made undher me own personal
supervision,' he says. 'Hand-made, copper distilled, wan hun-dherd an'
tin proof martial law ought to be good enough for anny Kentuckyan,' he
says. So th' next ye hear th' sojers ar-re chasin' th' coorts out iv
th' state, th' legislature is meetin' in Duluth, Pinsacola, an' Bangor,
Maine, an' a comity iv citizens consistin' iv some iv the best gun
fighters iv th' state ar-re meetin' to decide how th' conthroversay can
be decided without loss iv blood or jobs. While they're in session th'
gov'nor is in contimpt iv coort, the coorts ar-re in contimpt iv th'
gov'nor, an' if annybody but Tiddy Rosenfclt has anny other feelin' f'r
ayether iv thim I haven't heerd him speak.”
“They ought to fire out the raypublican,” said Mr. Hennessy. “Sure 'tis
comin' to a nice state iv affairs whin th' likes iv him can defy the
coorts.”
“Thrue f'r ye,” said Mr. Dooley. “But I don't like th' looks iv it fr'm
our side iv th' house. Whiniver a dimmycrat has to go to coort to win
an iliction I get suspicious. They'se something wr-rong in Kentucky,
Hinnissy. We were too slow. Th' inimy got th' first cheat.”