“They'se wan thing that this counthry ought to be thankful f'r,” said
Mr. Dooley, laying down his paper, “an' that is that we still have a lot
iv young an' growin' orators f'r to lead us on.”
“Who's been oratin' now?” Mr. Hennessy asked.
“Me young frind Sinitor Beveridge, th' child orator iv Fall Creek. This
engagin' an' hopeful la-ad first made an impression with his eloquince
at th' age iv wan whin he addhressed a meetin' iv th' Tippecanoe club on
th' issues iv th' day. At th' age iv eight he was illicted to th' United
States Sinit, rayjoocin' th' average age iv that body to ninety-three
years. In th' sinit, bein' a modest child, he rayfused to speak f'r five
minyits, but was fin'lly injooced f'r to make a few thousan' remarks on
wan iv th' subjects now much discussed by orators whin th' dures ar-re
closed an' th' fire escapes broken.”
“His subject was th' Ph'lippeens, an' he said he'd just come fr'm there.
'I have cruised,' he says, 'f 'r two thousan' miles through th' Ar-rchey
Pelago--that's a funny name--ivry minyit a surprise an' delight to those
that see me,' he says. 'I see corn growin' on banana threes; I see th'
gloryous heights iv Ding Dong that ar-re irradyatin'. civilization like
quills upon th' fretful porcypine,' he says. 'I see rice, coffee, rolls,
cocoanuts, choice seegars, oats, hay, hard and soft coal, an' Gen'ral
Otis--an' there's a man that I rayspict,' he says. 'I see flowers
bloomin' that was superyor to anny conservatory in Poolasky county,'
he says. 'I see th' low and vicious inhabitants iv th' counthry soon, I
thrust, to be me fellow-citizens, an' as I set there an' watched th' sea
rollin' up its uncounted millyons iv feet iv blue wather, an' th' stars
sparklin' like lamp-posts we pass in th' night, as I see th' mountains
raisin' their snow-capped heads f'r to salute th' sun, while their feet
extinded almost to th' place where I shtud; whin I see all th' glories
iv that almost, I may say, thropical clime, an' thought what a good
place this wud be f'r to ship base-burnin' parlor stoves, an' men's
shirtings to th' accursed natives iv neighborin' Chiny, I says to
mesilf, 'This is no mere man's wurruk. A Higher Power even than Mack,
much as I rayspict him, is in this here job. We cannot pause, we cannot
hesitate, we cannot delay, we cannot even stop! We must, in other
wurruds, go on with a holy purpose in our hearts, th' flag over our
heads an' th' inspired wurruds iv A. Jeremiah Beveridge in our ears,' he
says. An' he set down.”
“Well, sir, 'twas a gr-reat speech. 'Twas a speech ye cud waltz to. Even
younger men thin Sinitor Beveridge had niver made grander orations. Th'
throuble is th' sinit is too common f'r such magnificent sintimints;
its too common and its too old. Th' young la-ad comes fr'm home, where's
he's paralyzed th' Lithry Society an' th' Debatin' Club, an' he loads
himsilf up with a speech an' he says to himsilf: 'Whin I begin peggin'
ar-round a few iv these vilets I'll make Ol' Hoar look like confederate
money,' an' th' pa-apers tell that th' Infant Demostheens iv Barry's
Junction is about f'r to revive th oratorical thraditions iv th' sinit
an' th' fire department comes up f'r a week, an' wets down th' capitol
buildin'. Th' speech comes off, they ain't a dhry eye in th' House, an'
th' pa-apers say: 'Where's ye'er Dan'l Webster an' ye'er Champ Clark,
now?' An' th' young man goes away an' has his pitchers took on a
kinetoscope. He has a nice time while it lasts, Hinnissy, but it
don't las' long. It don't las' long. Th' la-ad has th' wind, but it's
endurance that counts.”
“Th' wise ol' boys with their long whiskers discusses him over th'
sivin-up game, an' says wan iv thim: 'What ye think iv th' kid's
speech?' ''Twas a good speech,' says th' other. 'It carries me back to
me own boyhood days. I made a speech just like that durin' th' Mexican
War. Oh, thim days, thim days! I lead th' ace, Mike.' An' afther awhile
th' Boy Demostheens larns that while he's polishin' off his ipigrams,
an' ol' guy, that spinds all his time sleepin' on a bench, is polishin'
him off. Th' man that sinds seeds to his constitooents lasts longer thin
th' wan that sinds thim flowers iv iloquence, an' though th' hand iv
Gawd may be in th' Ph'lippeen question, it hasn't interfered up to date
in th' sergeant-at-arms question. An' whin th' young man sees this he
says, 'sky,' whin he means 'sky' an' not 'th' jooled canopy iv
hiven,' an' he says, 'Ph'lippeens,' an' not 'th' gloryous isles iv
th' Passyfic,' an' bein' onto th' character iv his fellow-sinitors,
he mintions nobody higher in their prisence thin th' steward iv th'
capitol. An' he niver makes a speech but whin he wants to smoke, an'
thin he moves that th' sinit go into executive session. Thin he's a rale
sinitor. I've seen it manny's th' time--th' boy orator goin' into th'
sinit, an' comin' out a deef mute. I've seen a man that made speeches
that was set to music an' played be a silver cornet band in Ioway that
hadn't been in Congress f'r a month befure he wudden't speak above a
whisper or more thin an inch fr'm ye'er ear.”
“Do ye think Hiven sint us to th' Ph'lippeens?” Mr. Hennessy asked.
“I don't know,” said Mr. Dooley, “th' divvle take thim.”