Mr. Dooley put his paper aside and pushed his spectacles up on his
forehead. “Well,” he said, “I suppose, afther all, we're th' mos'
lively nation in th' wurruld. It doesn't seem many months ago since ye,
Hinnissy, was down at th' depot cheerin' th' departin' heroes----”
“I niver was,” said Mr. Hennessey. “I stayed at home.”
“Since ye was down cheerin' th' departin' heroes,” Mr. Dooley continued,
“an' thryin' to collect what they owed ye. Th' papers was full iv news
iv th' war. Private Jawn Thomas Bozoom iv Woonsocket, a mimber iv th'
gallant an' devoted Wan Hundhred an' Eighth Rhode Island, accidentally
slipped on a orange peel while attimptin' to lave th' recruitin' office
an' sustained manny con-tu-sions. He rayfused to be taken home an'
insisted on jinin' his rig'mint at th' rayciption in th' fair groun's.
Gallant Private Bozoom! That's th' stuff that American heroes ar-re made
iv. Ye find thim at th' forge an' at th' plough, an' dhrivin' sthreet
cars, an' ridin' in th' same. The favored few has th' chanst to face th'
bullets iv th'inimy. 'Tis f'r these unknown pathrites to prove that a
man can sarve his counthry at home as well as abroad. Private Bozoom
will not be f'rgot be his fellow-counthrymen. A rayciption has been
arranged f'r him at th' Woonsocket op'ry-house, an' 'tis said if he will
accipt it, th' vote iv th' State iv Rhode Island'll be cast f'r him f'r
prisidint. 'Tis at such times as this that we reflict that th' wurruld
has wurruk f'r men to do, an' mere politicians mus' retire to th' rear.”
“That was a few months ago. Where's Bozoom now? If iver ye go to
Woonsocket, Hinnissy, which Gawd f'rbid, ye'll find him behind th'
counther iv th' grocery store ladlin' out rutabaga turnips into a brown
paper cornucopy an' glad to be alive. An' 'tis tin to wan, an' more thin
that, that th' town humorist has named him th' orange-peel hero, an'
he'll go to his grave with that name. Th' war is over an' th' state iv
war exists. If ye saw a man fall fr'm th' top iv a tin-story buildin'
'twud startle ye, wanst. If it happened again, 'twud surprise ye. But
if ye saw a man fall ivry fifteen minyits ye'd go home afther awhile f'r
supper an' ye wuddent even mintion it to ye'er wife.”
“I don't know how manny heroes they ar-re in th' Philippeens. Down there
a man is ayether a sojer or a casualty. Bein' a casualty is no good. I
cud say about a man: 'He was a hero in th' war with Spain,' but how can
I say: 'Shake hands with Bill Grady, wan iv th' ladin' casualties iv our
late war?' 'Twud be no more thin to say he was wan iv th' gallant men
that voted f'r prisidint in 1896.'”
{Illustration}
“No, Hinnissy, people wants novelties in war. Th' war fashions iv 1898
is out iv style. They ar-re too full in th' waist an' too long in th'
skirt. Th' style has changed. There ar-re fifty thousand backward men
in th' fair isles iv th' Passyfic fightin' to free th' Philippeen
fr'm himsilf an' becomin' a casualty in th' operation, but no one is
charterin' ar-rmy hospital ships f'r thim.”
“No one is convartin' anny steam yachts f'r thim. No wan is sindin'
eighty tons iv plum puddin' to complete th' wurruk iv destruction. They
ar-re in a war that'd make th' British throops in Africa think they were
drillin' f'r a prize banner. But'tis an onfashionable war.' 'Tis an ol'
war made over fr'm garments formerly worn be heroes. Whin a man is out
in th' counthry with wan newspaper an' has read th' authentic
dispatches fr'm Ladysmith an' Harrismith an' Willumaldensmith an'
Mysteriousbillysmith an' the meetin' iv th' czar iv Rooshia with th'
Impror Willum an' th' fire in th' packin' house an' th' report iv th'
canal thrustees an' th' fightin' news an' th' want ads, an' afther he
has r-read thim over twinty times he looks at his watch an' says he,
'Holy smoke, 'tis two hours to thrain time an' I suppose I'll have to
r-read th' news fr'm th' Philippeens.' War, be hivins, is so common that
I believe if we was to take on a fight with all th' wurruld not more
thin half th' popylation iv New England'd die iv hear-rt disease befure
they got into th' cellars.”
“Th' new style iv war is made in London an' all our set is simply
stuck on it. Th' casualties in th' Philippeens can walk home, but is it
possible that many thrue an' well-dhressed American can stand to see
th' signs iv th' ancient British aristocracy taken care iv be their own
gover'mint? 'What,' says Lady what's-her-name (her that was th' daughter
iv wan iv our bravest an' best racontoors). 'What.' she says, 'will anny
American woman residin' in London see men shot down,' she says, 'that
has but recently played polo in our very sight,' she says, 'an' be
brought home in mere thransports,' she says. 'Ladies,' she says, 'lave
us equip a hospital ship,' she says. 'I thrust,' she says, 'that all
iv us has been long enough fr'm home to f'rget our despicable domestic
struggles,' she says, 'an' think on'y iv humanity,' she says. An' whin
she opens up th' shop f'r subscriptions ye'd think fr'm th' crowd that
'twas th' first night iv th' horse show. I don't know what Lem Stiggins
iv Kansas, marked down in th' roll, Private in th' Twintieth Kansas,
Severely, I don't know what Private Severely thinks iv it. An' I wuddent
like to know till afther Thanks-givin'.”
“Don't be blatherin',” said Mr. Hennessy. “Sure ye can't ixpict people
to be inthrested f'river in a first performance.”
“No,” said Mr. Dooley, “but whin th' audjeence gives th' comp'ny an
encore it ought at laste to pretind that it's not lavin' f'r th' other
show.”