“How manny wives has this here man Roberts that's thryin' to break into
Congress?” Mr. Dooley asked.
“I dinnaw,” said Mr. Hennessy; “I nivver heerd iv him.”
“I think it's three,” said Mr. Dooley. “No wondher he needs wurruk an'
is fightin' hard f'r th' job. I'm with him too, be hivens. Not that I'm
be taste or inclination a marryin' man, Hinnissy. They may get me to
th' altar some day. Th' best iv us falls, like Cousin George, an' there
ar-re designin' women in this very block that I have me own throubles
in dodgin'. But anny time ye hear iv me bein' dhrawn fr'm th' quite
miseries an' exclusive discomforts iv single life ye may know that they
have caught me asleep an' chloroformed me. It's thrue. But f'r thim that
likes it, it's all r-right, an' if a man's done something in his youth
that he has to do pinance f'r an' th' stations iv th' cross ain't
sthrong enough, lave him, says I, marry as manny women as he wants an'
live with them an' die contint. Th' Mormons thinks they ar-re commanded
be the Lord f'r to marry all th' ineligeable Swede women. Now, I don't
believe th' Lord iver commanded even a Mormon f'r to do annything
so foolish, an' if he did he wudden't lave th' command written on a
pie-plate an' burrid out there at Nauvoo, in Hancock county, Illinye. Ye
can bet on that, Hinnissy.”
“But if anny wan believes 'twas done, I say, lave him believe it an'
lave him clasp to his bosom as manny Olesons as 'll have him. Sure in
th' prisint state iv th' mathrimonyal market, as Hogan calls it, whin
he goes down to coort th' rich Widow O'Brien, th' la-ad that wants to
engage in interprises iv that sort ought to have a frind in ivry wan but
th' men that keeps imploymint agencies.
“But no. Th' minyit a Mormon thries to break into a pollytical job,
a dillygation rises an' says they: 'What!' they says, 'permit this
polluted monsther f'r to invade th' chaste atmosphere,' they says, 'iv
th' house iv riprisintatives,' they says. 'Permit him f'r to parade his
fam'ly down Pinnsylvanya Av'noo an' block thraffic,' they says.
'Permit him mebbe to set in th' chair wanst occypied be th' laminted
Breckinridge,' they says. An' they proceed f'r to hunt th' poor, crowded
man. An' he takes a day off to kiss his wife fr'm house to house, an'
holds a meetin' iv his childher to bid thim good-by an' r-runs to hide
in a cave till th' dillygation raymimbers that they have husbands iv
their own an' goes home to cook th' supper.
“A Mormon, Hinnissy, is a man that has th' bad taste an' th' rellijion
to do what a good manny other men ar-re restrained fr'm doin' be
conscientious scruples an' th' polis. I don't want anny wife; ye,
Hinnissy, ar-re satisfied, not to say con-tint, with wan; another la-ad
feels that he'd be lonesome without tin. 'Tis a matther iv disposition.
If iver I got started th' Lord on'y knows where I'd bring up. I might
be like me frind an' fellow-sultan, Hadji Mohammed. Hadji has wives
to burn, an' wanst in awhile he bur-rns wan. He has a betther job thin
Congressman.”
“Th' best a congressman can get is foorth-class postmasther an' a
look in at th' White House on visitin' day. But Hadji, th' pop'lar an'
iloquent sultan iv Sulu an' Bazeen iv th' Ohio iv th' Passyfic, owns his
own palace an' disthributes his own jobs. No man can hold th' office iv
bow-sthringer iv our impeeryal domain without a certy-ficate fr'm
Hadji. From th' highest office in th' land to th' lowest, fr'm th' chief
pizener to th' throne, to th' humblest ixicutioner that puts a lady in a
bag an' dumps her into th' lake in th' Nine Millionth Assimbly district
they look to Hadji Mohammed f'r their places. He is th' High Guy, th'
Main Thing. He's ivrybody. When he quits wurrk th' governmint is over
f'r th' day. An' does annywan thry to interfere with Hadji? Does annywan
say 'Hadji, ye'll have to abandon two or three hundherd iv ye 'er
firesides. Ye ar-re livin' jus' inside th' left field fince iv our
domain an' 'tis a rule iv th' game that we've taken ye into that no
wan shall have more thin wan wife at a time that annywan knows iv. In'
behalf iv th' comity iv th' Society f'r th' Supprission iv Poly-gamy, I
request ye to discard Nora an' Eileen an' Mary Ann an' Sue an' Bimbi
an' th' r-rest iv th' bunch, an' cleave on'y to Lucille. I judge be her
looks that she's th' first Missus Haitch.'
“No, sir. If he did he'd reach th' ship that runs between our outlying
wards without a hair to his head. Instead iv reproachin' Hadji with
his domestic habits, wan iv th' envoys that ar-re imployed in carryin'
messages fr'm th' prisidint to his fellow-citizens, proceeds to th'
pretty little American village iv Sulu, where he finds Hadji settin' up
on a high chair surrounded be wives. 'Tis a domestic scene that'd make
Brigham Young think he was a bachelor. Hadji is smokin' a good seegar
an' occasionally histin' a dhrink iv cider, an' wan iv th' ladies
is playin' a guitar, an' another is singin' 'I want ye my Sulu,' an'
another is makin' a tidy, an' three or four hundred more ar-re sewin'
patches on th' pants iv th' Hadji kids. An' th' ambassadure he
says: 'Mos' rile an' luminous citizen, here is a copy iv th' Annual
Thanksgivin' pro-clamation,' he says. 'Tis addhressed to all th' hearty
husbandmen iv our belovid counthry, manin' you among others,' he says.
'An' here,' he says, 'is th' revised constitution,' he says. 'Th'
original wan,' he says, 'was intinded f'r ol' stick-in-th'-muds that
wudden't know th' difference between a harem an' a hoe,' he says. 'This
wan,' he says, 'is more suited f'r th' prisint gay an' expansive times,'
he says. 'It permits a man to cleave to as manny wives,' he says, 'as
his race, color, an' prevyous condition iv servitude will permit,' he
says. 'Thank ye kindly,' says Hadji, 'I'll threasure these here papers
as a vallyable meminto fr'm that far distant home iv mine which I have
niver see,' he says. 'I'd inthrojooce ye to Mrs. Hadji wan by wan,'
he says, 'but 'twud be betther,' he says, 'f'r to stand up here an' be
prisinted to her as a whole,' he says, 'f'r,' he says, ''tis growing
late an' I want ye to come up to th' house,' he says, 'an' pick a
mission'ry with me,' he says. 'A Baptist,' he says, 'raised on th'
farm,' he says. An' Hadji holds his job an' looks for'rard to th' day
whin we'll have female suffrage an' he can cast th' solid vote iv Sulu
for himsilf f'r prisident.”
“Thin,” said Mr. Hennessy, “ye'er frind Roberts ought to move to
what-d'ye-call-th' place.”
“That's what I'm thinkin',” said Mr. Dooley. “But 'tis too bad f'r him
he was bor-rn at home.”