_Think you the soul, when this life's rattles cease,
Has nothing of more manly to succeed!
Contract the taste immortal. Learn e'en now
To relish what alone subsists hereafter._
Young
The next morning, on entering the breakfast-parlour, the first object
which met my eye was Miss Mortimer, in a travelling dress.
Notwithstanding our conversation on the preceding day, the consciousness
of having done amiss made me ascribe her departure, or at least the
suddenness of it, to displeasure against me; and, 'soon moved with touch
of blame,' I would not deign to notice the circumstance, but took my
place at the breakfast-table in surly silence. Our meal passed gloomily
enough. I sat trying to convince myself that Miss Mortimer was
unreasonably offended; my father wrinkled his dark brows till his eyes
were scarcely visible; Miss Arnold fidgeted upon her chair; and Miss
Mortimer bent over her untasted chocolate, stealing up her fingers now
and then to arrest the tear ere it reached her cheek.
'Truly, Miss Mortimer,' said my father at last, 'I must say I think it a
little strange that you should leave us so suddenly, before we have had
time to provide a person to be with Ellen.' This speech, or the manner
in which it was spoken, roused Miss Mortimer; for she answered with a
degree of spirit which broke upon the meekness of her usual manner like
summer lightning on the twilight. 'While I had a hope of being useful to
Miss Percy,' said she, 'I was willing to doubt of the necessity for
leaving her; but every such hope must end since it is judged advisable
to use concealment with me. Besides, I am now fully aware of my
situation. Dr ---- has told me that any delay will be fatal to all
chance of success.'
'Well,' said my father, 'every one is the best judge of his own affairs;
but my opinion is that you had better have staid where you are. You
might have had my family surgeon to attend you when you chose, without
expense. I take it your accommodations would have been somewhat
different from what you can have in that confined hovel of yours.'
Miss Mortimer shook her head. 'I cannot doubt your liberality, sir,'
said she; 'but the very name of home compensates many a want; and I find
it is doubly dear to the sick and the dying.'
Miss Mortimer's last words, and the sound of her carriage as it drove to
the door, brought our comfortless meal to a close; and, in a mood
between sorrow and anger, I retreated to a window, where I stood gazing
as steadfastly into the street, as if I had really observed what was
passing there. I did not venture to look round while I listened to Miss
Mortimer's last farewell to my father; and I averted my face still more
when she drew near and took the hand which hung listless by my side.
'Ellen,' said her sweet plaintive voice, 'shall we not part friends?'
I would have given the universe at that moment for the obduracy to utter
a careless answer; but it was impossible:--so I stretched my neck as if
to watch somewhat at the farther end of the street, though in truth my
eyes were dim with tears more bitter than those of sorrow. Miss Mortimer
for a while stood by me silent, and when she spoke, her voice was broken
with emotion. 'Perhaps we may meet again,' whispered she, 'if I live,
perhaps. I know it is in vain to tell you now that you are leaning on a
broken reed; but if it should pierce you--if worldly pleasures fail
you--if you should ever long for the sympathy of a faithful heart, will
you think of me, Ellen? Will you remember your natural, unalienable
right over her whom your mother loved and trusted?'
I answered not. Indeed I could not answer. My father and Miss Arnold
were present; and, in the cowardice of pride, I could not dare the
humiliation of exposing to them the better feeling which swelled my
heart to bursting,--I snatched my hand from the grasp of my friend,--my
only real friend,--darted from her presence, and shut myself up alone.
By mere accident the place of my refuge was my mother's parlour. All was
there as she had left it; for when the other apartments were new
modelled to the fashion of the day, I had rescued hers from change.
There lay the drawing-case where she had sketched flowers for me. There
was the work-box where I had ravelled her silks unchidden. There stood
the footstool on which I used to sit at her feet; and there stood the
couch on which at last the lovely shadow leaned, when she was wasting
away from our sight. 'Oh mother, mother!' I cried aloud; 'mother who
loved me so fondly, who succoured me with thy life! is this my gratitude
for all thy love! Thou hadst one friend, one dear and true to thee; and
I have slighted, abused, driven her from me, sick and dying! Oh why
didst thou cast away thy precious life for such a heartless, thankless
thing as I am!'
My well-deserved self-reproach was interrupted by something that touched
me. It was poor Fido; who, laying his paw upon my knee, looked up in my
face, and gave a short low whine, as if enquiring what ailed me? 'Fido!
poor Fido!' said I, 'what right have I to you?--you should have been
Miss Mortimer's. She would not misuse even a dog of my mother's. Go,
go!' I continued, as the poor creature still fawned on me; 'all kindness
is lost upon _me_. Miss Mortimer better deserves to have the only living
memorial of her friend.'
The parting steps of my neglected monitress now sounded on my ear as she
passed to the carriage; and, catching my little favourite up in my arms,
I sprang towards the door. 'I will bid her keep him for my mother's
sake,' thought I, 'and ask her too, for my mother's sake, to pardon me.'
My hand was on the lock, when I heard Miss Arnold's voice, uttering,
unmoved, a cold parting compliment; and I was not yet sufficiently
humbled to let her witness my humiliation. I did not dare to meet the
stoical scrutiny of her eye, and hastily retreated from the door. After
a moment's hesitation I pulled the bell, and a servant came, 'Take that
dog to Miss Mortimer,' said I, turning away to hide my swollen eyes,
'and tell her I beg as a particular favour that she will carry him away
with her--he has grown intolerably troublesome.' The man stood staring
in inquisitive surprise; for all the household knew that Fido was my
passion. 'Why don't you do as you are desired?' cried I, impatiently.
The servant disappeared with my favourite; I listened till I heard the
carriage drive off; then threw myself on my mother's couch, and wept
bitterly.
But the dispositions which mingled with my sorrow foreboded its
transient duration. My faults stood before me as frightful
apparitions,--objects of terror, not of examination; and I hastened to
shut them from my offended sight. I quickly turned from reproaching my
own persevering rejection of Miss Mortimer's counsels, to blame her
method of counselling. Why would she always take such a timid,
circuitous way of advising me? If she had told me directly that she
suspected Lord Frederick of wishing to entrap me at that odious
masquerade, I was sure that I should have consented to stay at home; and
I repeated to myself again and again, that I was sure I should,--as we
sometimes do in our soliloquies, when we are not quite so sure as we
wish to be.
Glad to turn my thoughts from a channel in which nothing pleasurable was
to be found, I now reverted to the incidents of the former evening. But
there, too, all was comfortless or obscure. The situation in which I had
been surprised by Lady Maria was gall and wormwood to my recollection. I
could neither endure nor forbear to anticipate the form which the
ingenuity of hatred might give to the story of my indiscretion; and,
while I pictured myself already the object of sly sarcasm,--of direct
reproach,--of insulting pity,--every vein throbbed feverishly with proud
impatience of disgrace, and redoubled hatred of my enemy. In the tumult
of my thoughts, a wish crossed my mind, that I had once sheltered myself
from calumny, and inflicted vengeance on my foe, by consenting to
accompany Lord Frederick to Scotland; but this was only the thought of a
moment; and the next I relieved my mind from the crowd of tormenting
images which pressed upon it, by considering whether my lover had really
meditated a bold experiment upon my pliability, or whether my masquerade
friend had been mistaken in his intelligence. Finding myself unable to
solve this question, I went to seek the assistance of Miss Arnold. I was
told she was abroad; and, after wondering a little whither she could
have gone without acquainting me, I ordered the carriage, and went to
escape from my doubts, and from myself, by a consultation with Lady St
Edmunds.
Her Ladyship's servant seemed at first little inclined to admit me; but
observing that a hackney coach moved from the door to let my barouche
draw up, I concluded that my friend was at home, and resolutely made my
way into the house. The servant, seeing me determined, ushered me into a
back drawing-room; where, after waiting some time, I was joined by Lady
St Edmunds. She never received me with more seeming kindness. She
regretted having been detained from me so long; wondered at the
stupidity of her domestics in denying her at any time to me; and thanked
me most cordially for having made good my entrance. In the course of our
conversation, I related, so far as it was known to me, the whole story
of the mask; and ended by asking her opinion of the affair. She listened
to my tale with every appearance of curiosity and interest; and, when I
paused for a reply, declared, without hesitation, that she considered
the whole interference and behaviour of my strange protector as a jest.
I opposed this opinion, and Lady St Edmunds defended it; till I
inadvertently confessed that I had private reasons for believing him to
be perfectly serious. Her Ladyship's countenance now expressed a lively
curiosity, but I was too much ashamed of my 'private reasons' to
acknowledge them; and she was either too polite to urge me, or confident
of gaining the desired information by less direct means.
Finding me assured upon this point, she averred that the information
given by my black domino, if not meant in jest, must at least have
originated in mistake. 'These prying geniuses,' said she, 'will always
find a mystery, or make one. But of this I am sure, Frederick has too
much of your own open undesigning temper to entrap you; even though,'
added she, with a sly smile, 'he were wholly without hopes from
persuasion.' I was defending myself in some confusion from this attack,
when Lady St Edmunds interrupted me by crying out, 'Oh I can guess now
how this mystery of yours has been manufactured! I have this moment
recollected that Frederick intended setting out early this morning for
Lincolnshire. Probably he might go the first stage in the carriage which
took him home from the ball; and your black domino having discovered
this circumstance, has knowingly worked it up into a little romance.'
Glad to escape from the uneasiness of suspicion, and perhaps from the
necessity of increasing my circumspection, I eagerly laid hold on this
explanation, and declared myself perfectly satisfied; but Lady St
Edmunds, who seemed anxious to make my conviction as complete as
possible, insisted on despatching a messenger to enquire into her
nephew's motions.
She left the room for this purpose; and I almost unconsciously began to
turn over some visiting cards which were strewed on her table. One of
them bore Miss Arnold's name, underneath which this sentence was written
in French: 'Admit me for five minutes; I have something particular to
say.' These words were pencilled, and so carelessly, that I was not
absolutely certain of their being Miss Arnold's hand-writing. I was
still examining this point, when Lady St Edmunds returned; and, quite
unsuspectingly, I showed her the card; asking her smiling, 'What was
this deep mystery of Juliet's?'
'That?' said Lady St Edmunds;--'oh, that was--a--let me see--upon my
word, I have forgotten what it was--a consultation about a cap, or a
feather, or some such important affair--I suppose it has lain on that
table these six months.'
'Six months!' repeated I simply. 'I did not know that you had been so
long acquainted.'
'How amusingly precise you are!' cried Lady St Edmunds, laughing. 'I did
not mean to say exactly six times twenty-nine days and six hours, but
merely that the story is so old that I have not the least recollection
of the matter.'
She then immediately changed the subject. With a countenance full of
concern, and with apologies for the liberty she took, she begged that I
would enable her to contradict a malicious tale which, she said, Lady
Maria de Burgh had, after I left the masquerade, half-hinted, half-told,
to almost every member of the company. Ready to weep with vexation, I
was obliged to confess that the tale was not wholly unfounded; and I
related the affair as it had really happened. Lady St Edmunds lifted her
hands and eyes, ejaculating upon the effects of malice and envy in such
a manner, as convinced me that my indiscretion had been dreadfully
aggravated in the narration; but when I pressed to know the particulars,
she drew back, as if unwilling to wound me further, and even affected to
make light of the whole affair. She declared that, being now acquainted
with the truth, she should find it very easy to defend me:--'At all
events,' added she, 'considering the terms on which you and Frederick
stand with each other, nobody, except an old prude or two, will think
the matter worth mentioning.' I was going to protest against this ground
of acquittal, when the servant came to inform his mistress aloud, that
Lord Frederick had set out for Lincolnshire at five o'clock that
morning. This confirmation of Lady St Edmunds' conjecture entirely
removed my suspicions; and convinced me, that my black domino, having
executed his commission with more zeal than discernment, had utterly
mistaken Lord Frederick's intentions.
Some other visiters being now admitted, I left Lady St Edmunds, and
ordered my carriage home, intending to take up Miss Arnold before I
began my usual morning rounds. At the corner of Bond Street, the
overturn of a heavy coal-waggon had occasioned considerable
interruption; and, while one line of carriages passed cautiously on,
another was entirely stopped. My dexterous coachman, experienced in
surmounting that sort of difficulty, contrived to dash into the moving
line. As we slowly passed along, I thought I heard Miss Arnold's voice.
She was urging the driver of a hackney coach to proceed, while he
surlily declared, 'that he would not break his line and have his wheels
torn off to please anybody.' The coach had in its better days been the
property of an acquaintance of mine, whose arms were still blazoned on
the panel; and this circumstance made me distinctly remember, that it
was the same which I had seen that morning at Lady St Edmunds' door.
On observing me, Miss Arnold at first drew back; but presently
afterwards looked out, and nodding familiarly, made a sign for me to
stop and take her into my barouche. I obeyed the signal; but not, I must
own, with the cordial good-will which usually impelled me towards Miss
Arnold. My friend's manner, however, did not partake of the restraint of
mine. To my cold enquiry, 'where she had been,' she answered, with ready
frankness, that she had been looking at spring silks in a shop at the
end of the street. In spite of the manner in which this assertion was
made, I must own that I was not entirely satisfied of its truth. The
incident of the hackney-coach, and the words which I had seen written on
the card, recurring together to my mind, I could not help suspecting
that Miss Arnold had paid Lady St Edmunds a visit which was intended to
be kept secret from me. Already out of humour, and dispirited, I
admitted this suspicion with unwonted readiness; and, after conjecturing
for some moments of surly silence, what could be the motive of this
little circumvention, I bluntly asked my friend, whether she had not
been in Grosvenor Square that morning?
Miss Arnold reddened. 'In Grosvenor Square!' repeated she. 'What should
make you think so?'
'Because the very carriage from which you have just alighted I saw at
Lady St Edmunds' door not half an hour ago.'
'Very likely,' retorted my friend, 'but you did not see me in it, I
suppose.'
I owned that I did not, but mentioned the card, which was connected with
it in my mind; confessing, however, simply enough, that Lady St Edmunds
denied all recollection of it. Miss Arnold now raised her handkerchief
to her eyes. 'Unkind Ellen!' said she, 'what is it you suspect? Why
should I visit Lady St Edmunds without your knowledge? But, since
yesterday, you are entirely changed,--and, after seven years of faithful
friendship----' She stopped, and turned from me as if to weep.
I was uneasy, but not sufficiently so to make concessions. 'If my manner
is altered, Juliet,' said I, 'you well know the cause of the change. Was
it not owing to you that I was so absurdly committed to the malice of
that hateful Lady Maria? And now there is I know not what of mystery in
your proceedings that puts me quite out of patience.'
'Yes, well I know the cause,' answered Miss Arnold, as if still in
tears. 'Your generous nature would never have punished so severely an
error of mere thoughtlessness, if that cruel Miss Mortimer had not
prejudiced you against me. She is gone indeed herself; but she has left
her sting behind. And I must go too!' continued Miss Arnold, sobbing
more violently. 'I could have borne any thing, except to be suspected.'
My ungoverned temper often led me to inflict pain, which, with a
selfishness sometimes miscalled good nature, I could not endure to
witness. Entirely vanquished by the tears of my friend, I locked my arms
round her neck, assured her of my restored confidence; and, as friends
of my sex and age are accustomed to do, offered amends for my transient
estrangement in a manner more natural than wise, by recanting aloud
every suspicion, however momentary, which had formerly crossed my mind.
A person of much less forecast than Miss Arnold might have learned from
this recantation where to place her guards for the future.
My friend heard me to an end, and then with great candour confessed,
what she could not now conceal, that Lord Frederick had her wishes for
his success; but she magnanimously forgave my imagining, even for a
moment, that she could condescend to assist him; and appealed to myself,
what motive she could have for favouring his suit, except the wish of
seeing me rise to a rank worthy of me. She then justified herself from
any clandestine transaction with Lady St Edmunds, giving me some very
unimportant explanation of the card which had perplexed me.
It is so painful to suspect a friend, and I was so accustomed to shun
pain by all possible means, that I willingly suffered myself to be
convinced; and harmony being restored by Miss Arnold's address, we
engaged ourselves in shopping and visiting till it was time to prepare
for the pleasures of the night. My spirits were low, and my head ached
violently; but I had not the fortitude to venture upon a solitary
evening. From the dread of successful malice,--from the recollection of
abused friendship,--in a word, from myself,--I fled, vainly fled, to
the opera, and three parties; from whence I returned home, more languid
and comfortless than ever.
I had just retired to my apartment, when a letter was brought me which
Miss Mortimer had left, with orders that it might be delivered when I
retired for the night. 'Oh mercy!' cried I, 'was I not wretched enough
without this new torment? But give it me. She has some right to make me
miserable.' In this spirit of penance I dismissed my maid, and began to
read my letter, which ran as follows:--
'When you read this letter, my dear Ellen, one circumstance may
perhaps assist its influence. My counsels, however received,
whether used or rejected, are now drawing to a close; and you may
safely grant them the indulgence we allow to troubles which will
soon cease to molest us. I know not how far this consideration may
affect you, but I cannot think of it without strong emotion. I have
often and deeply regretted that my usefulness to you has been so
little answerable to my wishes; yet, with the sympathy which rivets
our eyes on danger which we cannot avert, I would fain have
lingered with you still; watching, with the same painful
solicitude, the approach of evils, which I in vain implored you to
avoid. But it must not be. Aware of my situation, I dare not trifle
with a life which is not mine to throw away. I must leave you, my
dearest child, probably for ever. I must loosen this last hold
which the world has on a heart already severed from all its
earliest affections. And can I quit you without one last effort for
your safety;--without once again earnestly striving to rouse your
watchfulness, ere you have cast away your all for trifles without
use or value?
'Ellen, your mother was my first friend. We grew up together. We
shared in common the sports and the improvements of youth; and
common sorrows, in maturer life, formed a still stronger bond. Yet
I know not if my friend herself awakened a tenderness so touching,
as that which remembrance mingles with my affection for you, when
your voice or your smile reminds me of what she was in her short
years of youth and joy. Nor is it only in trifles such as these
that the resemblance rises to endear you. You have your mother's
simplicity and truth,--your mother's warm affections,--your
mother's implicit confidence in the objects of her love. This last
was indeed the shade, perhaps the only shade of her character. But
she possessed that "alchemy divine" which could transform even her
dross into gold; and what might have been her weakness became her
strength, when she placed her supreme regards upon excellence
supreme. The nature of your affections also seems to give their
object, whatever it be, implicit influence with you; and thus it
becomes doubly important that they be worthily bestowed. It is this
which has made me watch, with peculiar anxiety, the channels in
which they seemed inclined to flow; and lament, with peculiar
bitterness, that a propensity capable of such glorious application
should be lost, or worse than lost to you.
'These, however, are subjects upon which you have never permitted
me to enter. You have repelled them in anger; evaded them in sport;
or barred them at once as points upon which you were determined to
act, I must not say to judge, for yourself. If, indeed, you would
have used your own judgment, one unpleasing part of this letter
might have been spared; for surely your unbiased judgment might
show you the danger of some connections into which you have
entered. It might remind you, that the shafts of calumny are seldom
so accurately directed, as not to glance aside from their chief
mark to those who incautiously approach; that those whom it has
once justly or unjustly suspected, the world views with an eye so
jaundiced as may discolour even the most innocent action of their
willing associate. Even upon these grounds I think your judgment,
had it been consulted, must have given sentence against your
intimacy with Lady St Edmunds. But these are not all. Persons who
know her Ladyship better than I pretend to do, represent her as a
mixture, more common than amiable, of improvidence in the selection
of her ends, with freedom in the choice, and dexterity in the use
of the means which she employs; in short (pardon the severity of
truth), as a mixture of imprudence and artifice. My dearest girl,
what variety of evil may not result to you from such a connection!
Whatever may be my suspicions, I am not prepared to assert that
Lady St Edmunds has any sinister design against you. Your manifest
indifference towards her nephew makes me feel more security on the
point where I should otherwise have dreaded her influence the most.
But I am convinced, that the mere love of manoeuvring becomes in
itself a sufficient motive for intrigue, and is of itself
sufficient to endanger the safety of all who venture within its
sphere. The frank and open usually possess an instinct which,
independently of caution, repels them from the designing. I must
not name to you that unhappy trait in your character, by which this
instinct has been made unavailing to you; by which the artful wind
themselves into your confidence, and the heartless cheat you of
your affection. Has not the ceaseless incense which Miss Arnold
offers blinded you to faults, which far less talent for observation
than you possess might have exposed to your knowledge and to your
disdain? Do not throw aside my letter with indignation; but, if the
words of truth offend you, consider that from me they will wound
you no more; and pardon me, too, when I confess, that, in despair
of influencing you upon this point, I have entreated your father
not to renew his invitation to Miss Arnold, but rather to
discourage, by every gentle and reasonable means, an intimacy so
eminently prejudicial to you.
'And now I think I see you raise your indignant head; and, with the
lofty scorn of baseness which I have so often seen expressed in
your countenance and mien, I hear you exclaim, "Shall I desert my
earliest friend!--repay with cold ingratitude her long-tried,
ardent attachment?" Your indignation, Ellen, is virtuous, but
mistaken. If Miss Arnold's attachment be real, she has a claim to
your gratitude, indeed; but not to your intimacy, your confidence,
your imitation. These are due to far other qualifications. But are
you sure, Ellen, that the warm return you make to Miss Arnold's
supposed affection is itself entirely real? Are you sure, that it
is not rather the form under which you choose to conceal from
yourself, that her adulation is become necessary to you? Before you
indignantly repel this charge, ask your own heart, whether you are,
in every instance, thus grateful for disinterested love? Is there
not a friend of whose love you are regardless?--whose counsels you
neglect?--whose presence you shun?--from whom you withhold your
trust, though the highest confidence were here the highest
wisdom?--whom you refuse to imitate, though here the most imperfect
imitation were glorious? You exchange your affection, and all the
influence which your affection bestows, for a mere shadow of
good-will. The very dog that fawns upon you, is caressed with
childish fondness. Oh, Ellen, does it never strike you with strong
amazement to reflect, that you are sensible to every love but that
which is boundless? grateful for every kindness but that which is
wholly undeserved--wholly beyond return? Is nothing due to an
unwearied friend? Is it fitting, that one who lives, who enjoys so
much to sweeten life, by the providence, the bounty, the
forbearance of a benefactor, should live to herself alone? Yet ask
your own conscience, what part of your plan of life, or rather,
since I believe your life is without a plan, which of your habits
is inspired by gratitude. Dare to be candid with yourself, and
though the odious word will grate upon your ear, enquire whether
selfishness be not rather your chosen guide;--whether you be not
selfish in your pursuit of pleasure;--selfish in your fondness for
the flatterer who soothes your vanity,--selfish in the profuse
liberality with which you vainly hope to purchase an affection
which it is not in her nature to bestow,--selfish even in the
relief which you indiscriminately lavish on every complainer whose
cry disturbs you on your bed of roses. Is this the temper of a
Christian--of one "who is not her own, but is bought with a price?"
Consider this awful price, and how will your own conduct change in
your estimation? How will you start as from a fearful dream, when
you remember, that of this mighty debt you have hitherto lived
regardless? How will you then abhor that pursuit of selfish
pleasure which has hitherto alienated your mind from all that best
deserves your care,--blasted the very sense by which you should
have perceived the excellence of your benefactor,--diverted your
regards from the deeper and deeper death which is palsying your
soul; and closed your ear against the renovating voice which calls
you to arise and live? This voice, once heard, would exalt your
confiding temper to the elevations of faith,--ennoble your careless
generosity to the self-devotion of saints and martyrs,--your warmth
of affection, now squandered on the meanest of objects, to the love
of God. The true religion once received, would change the whole
current of your hopes and fears;--would ennoble your desires,
subdue passion, humble the proud heart, overcome the world. But you
will not give her whereon to plant her foot; for where, amidst the
multitude of your toys, shall religion find a place? Oh, why should
we, by continual sacrifice, confirm our natural idolatry of created
things? Why fill, with the veriest baubles of this unsubstantial
scene, hearts already too much inclined to exclude their rightful
possessor? The pursuit of selfish pleasure is indeed natural, for
self is the idol of fallen man; but the great end of his present
state of being is to prostrate that idol before the Supreme. The
stony Dagon bows unwillingly, but bow he must. Our heavenly Father,
though a merciful, is not a fond or partial parent; and the same
lot is more or less the portion of us all. He has freely given. He
has done more; he has warned us of the real uses of his gifts.
Perverse by nature, we abuse his bounty. Again, he exhorts us by
the ministry of his servants; and often graciously sweetens his
warnings, by conveying them in the voice of partial friendship, or
parental love. We reject counsel; and the father unwillingly
chastises. He withdraws the gifts which we have perverted, or
suffers them to become themselves the punishment of their own
abuse. If kindness cannot touch, nor exhortation move, nor warning
alarm, nor chastisement reclaim, what other means can be employed
with a moral being: What remains but the fearful sentence, "He is
joined to his idols; let him alone." Oh, Ellen, my blood freezes at
the thought that such a sentence may ever go forth against you.
Rouse you, dear child of my love,--rouse you from your ill-boding
security. Tremble, lest you already approach that state where mercy
itself assumes the form of punishment. You have hitherto lived to
yourself alone. Now venture to examine this god of your
idolatry;--for the being whose pleasure and whose honour you seek,
is your god, call it by what name you will. See if it be worthy to
divide even your least service with Him who, infinite in goodness,
accepts the imperfect,--showers his bounty on the
unprofitable,--and opens, even to the rebel, the arms of a
father!--who meets your offences with undesired pardon, and
anticipates your wants with offers of himself! Think you that this
generous love could lay on you a galling yoke? I know that, though
you should distrust my judgment, you will credit my testimony; and
I solemnly protest to you, that I have found his service to be
"perfect freedom." He exalts my joys as gifts of his bounty; He
blesses my sorrows as tokens of his love; He lightens my duties by
honouring them, poor as they are, with his acceptance; and even the
pang with which I feel and own myself a lost sinner is sweetened by
remembrance of that mercy which came to seek and to save me,
_because_ I was lost. These are my pleasures; and I know that they
can counterbalance poverty, and loneliness, and pain. Your
pleasures too I have tried; and I know them to be cold, fleeting,
and unsubstantial, as the glories of a winter sky. Oh for the
eloquence of angels, that I might persuade you to exchange them for
the real treasure! Yet vain were the eloquence of angels, if the
"still small voice" be wanting, which alone can speak to the heart.
I may plead, and testify, and entreat; but is aught else within my
power?--Yes,--I will go and pray for you.
'E. MORTIMER.'