_He had the skill, when cunning's gaze would seek
To probe his heart, and watch his changing cheek,
At once the observer's purpose to espy,
And on himself roll back his scrutiny._
Lord Byron.
My friend's letter cost me a whole night's repose. I could not read
without emotion the expressions of an affection so ill repaid,--an
affection now lost to me for ever. A thousand instances of my
ingratitude forced themselves upon my recollection; and who can tell the
bitterness of that pity which we feel for those whom we have injured,
when we know that our pity can no longer avail? The mild form of Miss
Mortimer perpetually rose to my fancy. I saw her alone in her solitary
dwelling, suffering pain which was unsoothed by the voice of sympathy,
and weakness which no friend was at hand to sustain. I saw her weep over
the wounds of my unkindness, and bless me, though 'the iron had entered
into her soul!'--'But she shall not weep,--she shall not be alone and
comfortless,' I cried, starting like one who has taken a sudden
resolution: 'I will go to her. I will show her, that I am not altogether
thankless. I will spend whole days with her. I will read to her,--sing
to her,--amuse her a thousand ways. To-morrow I will go--no--to-morrow I
am engaged at Lady G.'s,--how provoking! and the day after, we must dine
with Mrs Sidney,--was ever any thing so unfortunate? However, some day
soon I will most certainly go.' So with this opiate I lulled the most
painful of my self-upbraidings.
That part of the letter which related to my chosen associates, was not
immediately dismissed from my mind. Had no accident awakened my
suspicions, I should have indignantly rejected my friend's insinuations,
or despised them as the sentiments of a narrow-minded though
well-intentioned person; but now, my own observation coming in aid of
her remonstrances, I was obliged to own that they were not wholly
unfounded. I received them, however, as a _bon vivant_ does the advice
of his physician. He is told that temperance is necessary; and he
assents, reserving the liberty of explaining the term. I was convinced
that it was advisable to restrain my intimacy with Lady St Edmunds; I
resolved to be less frank in communicating my sentiments, less open in
regard to my affairs; and this resolution held, till the next time it
was exposed to the blandishments of Lady St Edmunds. As to Miss Arnold,
her faults, like my own, I could review only to excuse them; or rather,
they entered my mind only to be banished by some affectionate
recollection. Whatever has long ministered to our gratification, is at
last valued without reference to its worth; and thus I valued Juliet.
Nay, perhaps my perverted heart loved her the more for her deficiency in
virtues, which must have oppressed me with a painful sense of
inferiority. In short, 'I could have better spared a better' person.
But, amidst my present 'compunctious visitings,' I thought of atoning
for my former rebellions by one heroic act of submission. I resolved
that, in compliance with Miss Mortimer's advice, I would refrain from
urging my father to detain Miss Arnold as an inmate of the family. I
was, however, spared this effort of self-command. The termination of
Miss Arnold's visit was never again mentioned, either by herself, or by
my father. In fact, she had become almost as necessary to him as to me;
and I have reason to believe, that he was very little pleased with Miss
Mortimer's interference on the subject.
But the more serious part of my friend's letter was that which
disquieted me the most. The darkness of midnight was around me. The
glittering baubles which dazzled me withdrawn for a time, I saw, not
without alarm, the great realities which she presented to my mind. I
could not disguise from myself the uselessness of my past life; and I
shrunk under a confused dread of vengeance. In the silence, in the
loneliness of night,--without defence against that awful voice which I
had so often refused to hear,--I trembled, as conscience loudly
reproached me with the bounties of my benefactor, and the ingratitude
with which they were repaid. A sense of unworthiness wrung from me some
natural tears of remorse; a sense of danger produced some vague desires
of reformation; and this, I fancied, was repentance. How many useless
or poisonous nostrums of our own compounding do we call by the name of
the true restorative!
But though false medicines may assume the appellation, and sometimes
even the semblance of the real, they cannot counterfeit its effects. The
cures which they perform are at best partial or transient,--the true
medicine alone gives permanent and universal health. I passed the night
under the scourge of conscience; and the strokes were repeated, though
at lengthening intervals, for several days. I was resolved, that I would
no longer be an unprofitable servant; that I would devote part of my
time and my fortune to the service of the Giver; that I would earn the
gratitude of the poor,--the applauses of my own conscience,--the
approbation of Heaven! Of the permanence of my resolutions,--of my own
ability to put them in practice,--it never entered my imagination to
doubt. I remembered having heard my duties summed up in three
comprehensive epithets, 'sober, righteous, and godly.' To be 'righteous'
was, I thought, an injunction chiefly adapted to the poor. In the
limited sense which I affixed to the command, the rich had no temptation
to break it; at all events I did not,--for I defrauded no one. 'Godly' I
certainly intended one day or other to become; but for the present I
deferred fixing upon the particulars of this change. It was better not
to attempt too much at once,--so I determined to begin by living
'soberly.' I would withdraw a little from the gay world in which I had
of late been so busy. I would pass more of my time at home. I would find
out some poor but amiable family, who had perhaps seen better days. I
would assist and comfort them; and, confining myself to a simple
neatness in my dress, would expend upon them the liberal allowance of my
indulgent father. I was presently transported by fancy to a scene of
elegant distress, and theatrical gratitude, common enough in her airy
regions, but exceedingly scarce upon the face of this vulgar earth. The
idea was delightful. 'Who,' cried I, 'would forfeit the pleasures of
benevolence for toys which nature and good sense can so well dispense
with? And, after all, what shall I lose by retreating a little from a
world where envy and malice are watchful to distort the veriest
casualties into the hideous forms upon which slander loves to scowl! No
doubt, Lady Maria's malice will find food in my new way of life,--but no
matter, I will despise it.' It is so easy to despise malice in our
closets! 'Mr Maitland,' thought I, 'will approve of my altered conduct;'
and then I considered that retirement would allow me to make
observations on the 'interest' which I had excited in Mr Maitland; for,
in the present sobered state of my mind, I thought of making
observations, rather than experiments.
Circumstances occurred to quicken the ardour with which vanity pursued
those observations. Maitland had hitherto been content to perform the
duties of a quiet citizen. Secure of respect, and careless of
admiration, he had been satisfied to promote by conscientious industry
his means of usefulness, and, with conscientious benevolence, to devote
those means to their proper end. With characteristic reserve, he had
withdrawn even from the gratitude of mankind. He had been the unknown,
though liberal benefactor of unfriended genius. He had given liberty to
the debtor who scarcely knew of his existence; and had cheered many a
heart which throbbed not at the name of Maitland. But now the name of
Maitland became the theme of every tongue; for, in the cause of justice,
he had put forth the powers of his manly mind; and orators, such as our
senates must hope no more to own, had hung with warm applause, or with
silent rapture, upon the eloquence of Maitland! Himself a West India
merchant, and interested, of course, in the continuation of the
slave-trade, he opposed, with all the zeal of honour and humanity, this
vilest traffic that ever degraded the name and the character of man. In
the senate of his country he lifted up his testimony against this foul
blot upon her fame,--this tiger-outrage upon fellow-man,--this daring
violation of the image of God. Alas! that a more lasting page than mine
must record, that the cry of the oppressed often came up before British
senates, ere they would deign to hear! But, amidst the tergiversation of
friends, and the virulence of foes, some still maintained the cause of
justice. They poured forth the eloquence which makes the wicked tremble,
and the good man exult in the strength of virtue. The base ear of
interest refused indeed to hear; but the words of truth were not
scattered to the winds. All England, all Europe, caught the inspiration;
and burnt with an ardour which reason and humanity had failed to kindle,
till they borrowed the eloquence of Maitland.
And now his praise burst upon me from every quarter. Those who affected
intimacy with the great, retailed it as the private sentiment of
ministers and princes. Our political augurs foretold his rise to the
highest dignities of the state. Those who love to give advice were eager
that he should forsake his humbler profession, and devote his
extraordinary talents to the good of his country. The newspapers
panegyrised him; and fashion, rank, and beauty, crowded round the happy
few who could give information concerning the age, manners, and
appearance of Mr Maitland. Not all his wisdom, nor all his worth, could
ever have moved my vain mind so much as did these tributes of applause,
from persons unqualified to estimate either. When I heard admiration
dwell upon his name, my heart bounded at the recollection of the
'interest' which he had expressed in me; and again I wondered whether
that interest were love? I would have given a universe to be able to
answer 'yes.' To see the eye which could penetrate the soul hang captive
on a glance of mine!--to hear the voice which could awe a senate falter
when it spoke to me!--to feel the hand which was judged worthy to hold
the helm of state tremble at my touch!--the very thought was
inspiration. Let not the forgiving smile which belongs to the innocent
weakness of nature be lavished on a vice which leads to such cold, such
heartless selfishness. Let it rather be remembered that avarice,
oppression, cruelty, all the iron vices which harden the heart of man,
are not more rigidly selfish, more wantonly regardless of another's
feelings, than unrestrained, active vanity.
Meanwhile, Mr Maitland allowed me abundant opportunities for
observation. Instead of withdrawing from us after Miss Mortimer's
departure, as I feared he would, he visited us more frequently than
ever. He sometimes breakfasted with us in his way to the city; often
returned when the House adjourned in the evening; and in short seemed
inclined to spend with us the greater part of his few abstemious hours
of leisure. Yet even my vanity could trace nothing in his behaviour
which might explain this constant attendance. On the contrary, his
manner, often cold, was sometimes even severe. He was naturally far from
being morose; and often casting off the cares of business, he would
catch infectious spirits from my lightness of heart; yet even in those
moments, somewhat painful would not unfrequently appear to cross his
mind, and he would turn from me as if half in sorrow, half in anger. I
could perceive that he listened with interest when I spoke; but that
interest seemed of no pleasing kind. He often, indeed, looked amused,
but seldom approving; and if once or twice I caught a more tender
glance, it was one of such mournful kindness as less resembled love than
compassion.
All this was provokingly unsatisfactory. I found that it was vain to
expect discoveries from observation; I was obliged to have recourse to
experiment; and it is not to be imagined what tricks I practised to
steal poor Maitland's fancied secret. So mean is vanity! and so little
security have they who submit to its power, that they may not stoop to
faults the most remote from their natural tendencies. I flourished the
arm of which he had praised the beauty, that I might watch whether his
gaze followed it in admiration. I was laboriously 'graceful;' and
sported my '_naif_ sensibility' till it was any thing but _naif_. I
obtruded my 'lovely singleness of mind,' till, I believe, I should have
become a disgusting mass of affectation, had it not been for the manly
plainness of Mr Maitland. He at first appeared to look with surprise
upon my altered demeanour; then fairly showed me by his manner that he
detected my little arts, and that he was alternately grieved to find me
condescending to plot, and angry that I could plot no better. 'That
certainly is the finest arm in England,' whispered he one evening when I
had been leaning upon it, exactly opposite to him, for five minutes, 'so
now you may put on your glove. Nay, instead of frowning, you should
thank me for that blush; for though pride and anger may have some share
in it, it is not unbecoming, since it is natural.' I was sullen for a
little, and muttered something about 'impertinence,'--but I never
flourished my arm again.
'Lady Maria de Burgh is certainly the most beautiful girl in London,'
said I to Miss Arnold one day when the subject was in debate. This was a
fit of artificial candour; for I had observed, that Maitland detested
all symptoms of animosity; and I appealed to him, in hopes that he would
at least except me from his affirmative. 'Yes,' returned he, directing,
by one flash of his eloquent eye, the warning distinctly to me, 'Yes;
but she reminds me of the dog in the fable. Nature has given her beauty
enough; but she grasps at more, and thus loses all.'
Affectation seemed likely to be as unavailing as watchfulness; yet, the
longer my search lasted, the more eager it became. Whatever occupied
attention long, will occupy it much; and, in my vain investigation, I
often endured the anxiety of the philosopher, who, having sailed to the
antipodes to observe the transit of Venus, saw, at the critical hour, a
cloud rise to obstruct his observations. 'How shall I fathom the heart
of that impenetrable being?' exclaimed I to my confidante one day, when,
in pursuance of my new plan of soberness and charity, I sat learning to
knit a child's stocking at the rate of a row in the hour.
'Bless me, Ellen,' returned Miss Arnold, 'what signifies the heart of a
musty old bachelor?'
'I don't know what you call old, Juliet; but, in my opinion, I should
be more than woman, or less, if I could suspect my power over such a man
as Maitland, and not wish to ascertain the point.'
'I do not believe,' returned Juliet, 'that any woman upon earth has
power over him,--a cold, cynical, sarcastic----'
'You forget,' interrupted I, 'that he has owned a strong interest in
me;' for, in the soft hour of returning confidence, I had showed his
billet to my friend.
'Yes,' answered Miss Arnold, 'that is true; but don't you think he may
once have been a lover of your mother's, and that on her account----'
'My mother's!' cried I. 'Ridiculous! impossible! Maitland must have been
a mere child when my mother married.'
'Let me see,' said Miss Arnold, with calculating brow, 'your mother, had
she been alive, would now have been near forty.'
'And Maitland, I am sure, cannot be more than two-and-thirty.'
'Is he not?' said Miss Arnold, who had ventured as far as she thought
prudent. Silence ensued; for I was now in no very complacent frame. Miss
Arnold was the first to speak. 'Perhaps,' said she, 'Mr Maitland only
wishes to conceal his own sentiments, till he makes sure of
yours,--perhaps he would be secure of success before he condescends to
sue.'
'If I thought the man were such a coxcomb,' cried I, 'I would have no
mercy in tormenting. I detest pride.'
'If I have guessed right,' pursued Miss Arnold, 'a little fit of
jealousy would do excellently well to prove him, and punish him at the
same time; I am sure he deserves it very well, for making so much
mystery of nothing.' A by-stander might have indulged a melancholy smile
at my detestation of pride, and Miss Arnold's antipathy to mystery. But
our abhorrence of evil is never more vehemently, perhaps never more
sincerely expressed, than when our own besetting sin thwarts us in the
conduct of others.
'But,' said I, for experience had begun to teach me some awe for
Maitland's penetration, 'what if he should see through our design, and
only laugh at us and our manoeuvring?'
'Oh! as for that,' returned Juliet, 'choose his rival well, and there is
no sort of danger. A dull, every-day creature, to be sure, would never
do: but fix upon something handsome, lively, fashionable, and it must
appear the most natural thing in the world. By the by, did he ever seem
to suspect any one in particular?'
'What! don't you remember that, in his note, he speaks with tolerably
decent alarm of Lord Frederick?'
'Oh! true,' returned Miss Arnold, 'I had forgotten.--Well, do you think
you could pitch upon a better flirt?'
Now my friend knew that I happened at that moment to have no choice of
flirts; for, besides that Lord Frederick was the only dangler whom I had
ever systematically encouraged, he was the only one of my present
admirers who could boast any particular advantages of figure or
situation. 'He might answer the purpose well enough,' returned I, 'if we
knew how to bring Maitland and him together; but you know he does not
visit here since his foolish old father thought fit to interfere.'
'That may be easily managed,' replied Juliet. 'The slightest hint from
you would bring him back.'
I had once determined to listen with caution to Miss Arnold's advice,
where Lord Frederick was concerned; but now her advice favoured my
inclination; and that which ought to have made me doubly suspicious of
her counsels, was the cause why I followed them without hesitation. The
hint to Lord Frederick was given at the first opportunity, and proved as
effectual as its instigator had foretold. Still, however, some
contrivance was necessary to bring the rivals together; for the man of
fashion and the man of business seldom paid their visits at the same
hour. At length I effected an interview; and never was visiter more
partially distinguished than Lord Frederick. We placed ourselves
together upon a sofa, apart from the rest of the company, and forthwith
entered upon all the evolutions of flirtation; for I whispered without a
secret, laughed without a joke, frowned without anger, and talked
without discretion.
It was Miss Arnold's allotted province to watch the effect of these
fooleries upon Maitland; but I could not refrain from sharing her task,
by stealing at times a glance towards him. These glances animated my
exertions; for I was almost sure that he looked disturbed; and fancied,
more than once, that I saw his colour change. But if he was uneasy at
witnessing Lord Frederick's success, he did not long subject himself to
the pain; for, after having endured my folly for a quarter of an hour,
without offering it the least interruption, he took a very frozen leave,
and departed. I laughed at his coldness; convinced, as I now was, that
it was only the pettishness of jealousy. Miss Arnold, however, gently
insinuated a contrary opinion. 'She might, indeed, be mistaken, she
could not pretend to my talent for piercing disguise; but she must
confess, that Maitland had succeeded in concealing from her every trace
of emotion.' It may easily be imagined, that this opinion, however
seasoned with flattery, and however cautiously expressed, was not very
agreeable to me. To dispel my friend's doubts, rather than my own, I
proposed a second trial; but some time elapsed before that trial could
be made. In the mean while, Lord Frederick failed not to profit by his
recent admission. His visits even became so frequent, that, dreading an
altercation with my father, I began to wish that I had been more guarded
in my invitation.
But, this did not prevent me from re-acting my coquetry the next time
that the supposed rivals met in my presence. After this second
interview, Miss Arnold, though with great deference, persisted in her
former sentence; and I was unwillingly obliged to soften somewhat the
vehemence of my dissent; for if Maitland was wounded by my preference of
Lord Frederick, he certainly endured the smart with Spartan fortitude. I
was somewhat disconcerted; and should have laid aside all my vain
surmises, had not the recollection of Maitland's note constantly
returned to strengthen them.
Our experiments, however, were brought to a close by a disclosure of my
father's. 'Miss Percy,' said he one day, taking his posture of
exhortation, 'I think Lord Frederick de Burgh seems to wait upon you
every day. Now, after what has passed, this is indiscreet; and,
therefore, it is my desire that you give him no encouragement to
frequent my house. I would have put a stop to the thing at once, but I
can perceive that you don't care for the puppy; and Maitland, who is a
very sharp fellow, makes the very same observation.'
Now, I knew that this was Mr Percy's method of adopting the stray
remarks which he judged worthy to be fathered by himself; and I fully
understood, that all my laboured favour to Lord Frederick had failed to
impose upon Maitland. What could be more vexatious? I had no resource,
however; except, like the fox in the fable, to despise what was
unattainable. I vowed that I would concern myself no more with a person
who was too wise to have the common feelings of humanity. I assured my
confidante that his sentiments were a matter of perfect indifference to
me. I hope, for my conscience' sake, that this was true, for I repeated
it at least ten times every day.
Meanwhile, in the ardour of my investigation, I had, from time to time,
deferred my purposed visit to Miss Mortimer. My heart had not failed to
reproach me with this delay; but I had constantly soothed it with
promises for to-morrow,--to-morrow, that word of evil omen to all
purposes of reformation! At last, however, I was resolved to repair my
neglect; for the day after Maitland's quick-sightedness happened to be
Sunday; and how could the Sabbath be better employed than in a necessary
and pious work? It is no new thing to see that day burdened with the
necessity of works which might as well have belonged to any other.
Instead, therefore, of going to hear a fashionable preacher, I ordered
my carriage to ----.