_From his ordination, till he began to preach to the Indians
at Crosweeksung._
THURSDAY, June 14. I wondered, that God should open the hearts of any
to treat me with kindness: and saw myself to be unworthy of any favour,
from God or men. I had much pain in my head; however I determined to
set out on my journey towards Delaware; but in the afternoon my pain
increased, so that I was obliged to take to my bed; and the night
following, I was greatly distressed with pain and sickness, and almost
bereaved of reason. On Saturday I was something relieved; but unable
to walk, till the Monday following. I often admired the goodness of
God, that he did not suffer me to proceed on my journey from this
place where I was so tenderly used.――God is very gracious to me,
both in health and sickness, and intermingles much mercy with all my
afflictions.
[On Tuesday, June 19. He set out, and in three days reached his place,
near the Forks of Delaware.]
*Lord’s-day, June 24. I was scarce able to walk: however, visited my
Indians, and took much pains to instruct them. But my mind was much
burdened with the weight of my work. My whole dependence was on God;
who alone I saw could make them willing to receive instruction. My
heart was much engaged in prayer, sending up silent requests to God,
even while I was speaking to them. O that I could always go in the
strength of the Lord!
Monday, June 25. To an eye of reason every thing that respects the
conversion of the Heathen is as dark as midnight; and yet I cannot but
hope in God, for the accomplishment of something glorious among them. I
longed much for the advancement of the Redeemer’s kingdom on earth, and
was very fearful lest I should admit some vain thought, and so lose the
sense I had of divine things. O for an abiding heavenly temper!
*Tuesday, June 26. I was much discouraged with the extreme difficulty
of the work; yet God supported me; and though the work of their
conversion appeared “impossible with man, yet with God” I saw “all
things were possible.” I was much assisted in prayer, especially for
the poor Heathen, and those of my own charge: and hoped that God would
bow the heavens and come down for their salvation. It seemed to me,
there could be no impediment sufficient to obstruct that glorious work,
seeing the living God was engaged for it. I continued solemnly lifting
up my heart to God, that I might be more mortified to this world, that
my soul might be taken up continually in the advancement of Christ’s
kingdom: and longed that God would purge me more, that I might be as
a chosen vessel to bear his name among the Heathens.
Wednesday, June 27. In the afternoon, I rode several miles to see if
I could procure any lands for the poor Indians, that they might live
together, and be under better advantages for instruction. While I was
riding, I had a deep sense of the difficulty of my work; and my soul
relied wholly upon God for success, in the diligent and faithful use
of means. I saw with the greatest certainty, that _the arm of the Lord_
must be _revealed_, for the help of these poor Heathen, if ever they
were delivered from the bondage of the powers of darkness.
Thursday, June 28. Towards noon I rode up to the Indians; and while
going, my heart went up to God in prayer for them; I could freely tell
God, he knew the cause was not mine, but his own, and it would be for
his own glory to convert the poor Indians: and blessed be God. I felt
no desire of honour from the world, as the instrument of it.
Saturday, June 30. My soul was much solemnized in reading God’s word;
especially the ninth chapter of Daniel. *I saw how God had called
out his servants to prayer, and made them wrestle with him, when he
designed to bestow any great mercy on his church. And I was ashamed of
myself, to think of my dulness and inactivity, when there seemed to be
so much to do for the upbuilding of Zion. Oh, how does Zion lie waste!
I longed, that the church of God might be enlarged: and was enabled
to pray in faith; my soul seemed sensibly to confide in God, and was
enabled to wrestle with him. Afterwards, I walked abroad to a place of
sweet retirement, and enjoyed assistance in prayer again: had a sense
of my great need of divine help, and felt my soul sensibly depend on
God.
*Lord’s day, July 1. After I came to the Indians, my mind was confused;
and I felt nothing of that sweet reliance on God, that my soul has
been comforted with in days past. In the afternoon I felt still barren,
when I began to preach; I seemed to myself to know nothing, and to
have nothing to say to the Indians; but soon after, I found in myself
a spirit of love, and warmth, and power; and God helped me to plead
with them, to “turn from all the vanities of the Heathen, to the living
God:” I am persuaded, the Lord touched their consciences; for I never
saw such attention in them before. When I came away, I spent the whole
time I was riding, in prayer and praise to God. And after I had rode
two miles, it came into my mind to dedicate myself to God again: which
I did with great solemnity, and unspeakable satisfaction; especially
giving up myself to him anew in the work of the ministry. And this I
did without any exception or reserve; not in the least shrinking back
from any difficulties, that might attend this blessed work. I was most
free, chearful, and full in this dedication of myself. My whole soul
cried, “Lord, to thee I dedicate myself: O accept of me, and let me be
thine for ever. Lord, I desire nothing else; I desire nothing more. O
come, come Lord, accept a poor worm. ‘_Whom have I in heaven but thee?
And there is none upon earth, that I desire besides thee._’” After this,
I was enabled to praise God with my whole soul, that he had enabled me
to devote and consecrate all my powers to him in this solemn manner.
My heart rejoiced in my particular work as a _missionary_; rejoiced in
my necessity of self-denial; and still continued to give up myself to
God, and implore mercy of him; praying incessantly, every moment, with
sweet fervency. My nature being very weak of late, was now considerably
overcome: my fingers grew very feeble, and numb, so that I could
scarcely stretch them out strait; and when I lighted from my horse
I could hardly walk, my joints seeming all to be loosed. But I felt
abundant strength _in the inner man_. I preached to the white people,
and God helped me much. Sundry of my poor Indians were so moved as to
come to meeting also; and one appeared much concerned.
Tuesday, July 3. This morning, I was enabled to pray under a feeling
sense of my need of help, to plead with God a considerable time.
Truly God is good to me. But my soul was grieved at my sinfulness and
♦barrenness, and longed to be more engaged for God. O it is sweet to
be _the Lord’s_, to be sensibly devoted to him! What a blessed portion
is God! How glorious, how lovely! O my soul longed to employ my time
wholly for God!――In the evening, I was enabled again to wrestle with
God in prayer with fervency to maintain a self-diffident and watchful
frame of spirit, jealous and afraid lest I should admit carelessness or
self-confidence.
♦ “barreness” replaced with “barrenness”
Friday, July 6. I am of late, most of all concerned for ministerial
qualifications, and the conversion of the Heathen; last year, I longed
to be prepared for a world of glory, and speedily to depart out of
this world; but of late, my chief concern is for the conversion of the
Heathen, and for that end, I long to live. But blessed be God, I have
less desire to live for any of the pleasures of the world, than ever
I had: I long and love to be a pilgrim; and want grace to imitate the
life, labours and sufferings of St. Paul among the Heathen. And when
I long for holiness now, it is chiefly, that whereby I may become
an “able minister of the New Testament,” especially to the Heathen.
I spent two hours this morning in reading and prayer; and was in
a watchful tender frame, afraid of every thing that might cool my
affections, and draw away my heart from God.
*Lord’s day, July 8. I was watchful, tender, and jealous of my own
heart, lest I should admit carelessness and vain thoughts, and grieve
the blessed Spirit, so that he should withdraw his sweet, kind, and
tender influences. I longed to “depart, and be with Christ,” more than
at any time of late. My soul was exceedingly united to the saints of
antient times, as well as those now living; especially my soul melted
for the society of Elijah and Elisha.
Wednesday, July 11. My soul was diffident, watchful, and tender, lest
I should offend my blessed Friend, in thought or behaviour. I confided
in, and leaned upon the blessed God. Oh, what need did I see myself to
stand in of God at all times, to assist me and lead me!
Saturday, July 21. Towards night my burden respecting my work among the
Indians began to increase much; and was aggravated by hearing sundry
things that looked very discouraging, in particular that they intended
to meet together the next day for an idolatrous feast and dance. Then I
began to be in anguish: I thought I must in conscience go and endeavour
to break them up; and knew not how to attempt such a thing. However I
withdrew to prayer, hoping for strength from above. And in prayer I was
exceedingly enlarged, and my soul was much drawn out. I pleaded with
so much earnestness and importunity, that when I arose from my knees I
could scarcely walk straight, my joints were loosed, the sweat ran down
my face and body, and nature seemed as if it would dissolve. I knew
they were met together to worship devils, and not God, and this made
me cry earnestly that God would appear, and help me in my attempts to
break up this idolatrous meeting. My soul pleaded long; and I thought
God would go with me to vindicate his own cause: and thus I spent
the evening, praying incessantly that I might not be self-dependent,
but have my whole dependence upon God. What I passed through was
inexpressible. *All things here below vanished; and there appeared to
be nothing of any importance to me, but holiness of heart and life, and
the conversion of the Heathen to God. All my cares, fears, and desires,
which might be said to be of a worldly nature, disappeared; and were of
little more importance than a puff of wind. I exceedingly longed, that
God would get to himself a name among the Heathen; and I appealed to
him with the greatest freedom, that he knew I “preferred him above my
chief joy.” Indeed, I had no notion of joy from this world; I cared not
where or how I lived, or what hardships I went through, so that I could
but gain souls to Christ.
Lord’s day, July 22. When I waked, my soul was burdened with what
seemed to be before me: I cried to God, before I could get out of my
bed: as soon as I was dressed, I withdrew into the woods, to pour out
my soul to him for assistance; and did with unspeakable freedom give
up myself afresh to God, for life or death, for all hardships he should
call me to among the Heathen; and felt as if nothing could discourage
me from this blessed work. I had a strong hope, that God would “bow the
heavens and come down,” and do some marvellous work among the Heathen.
And when I was riding to the Indians, my heart was continually going
up to God; and hoping, that God would make this the day of his power
and grace amongst the poor Indians. When I came to them, I found them
engaged in their frolic; but through divine goodness I got them to
break up and attend my preaching: yet still there appeared nothing of
the special power of God among them. I preached again to them in the
afternoon; and observed they were more sober than before; but still saw
nothing special among them; from whence Satan took occasion to buffet
me with these cursed suggestions, There is no God, or if there be, he
is not able to convert the Indians, before they have more knowledge.
I was very weak and weary, and my soul borne down with perplexity; but
was determined still to wait upon God.
Tuesday, July 24. I rode over a hideous mountain, to a number of
Indians, at a place called Kauksesauchung, more than thirty miles
westward from the place where I usually preach. I found about thirty
persons, and proposed my desire of preaching to them: they readily
complied, and I preached to them only twice, they being just then
removing from this place, to Susquahannah river.
While I was preaching, they appeared sober, and attentive: and were
somewhat surprized, having never before heard of these things. There
were two or three, who suspected that I had some ill design upon them;
and urged, that the white people had abused them, and taken their lands
from them, and therefore they had no reason to think that they were
concerned for their happiness; but, on the contrary, that they designed
to make them slaves, or get them on board their vessels, and make them
fight with the people over the water, (as they expressed it,) meaning
the French and Spaniards. However the most of them appeared very
friendly, and told me they were then going home to Susquahannah, and
desired I would make them a visit there, and manifested a considerable
desire of instruction.
This invitation gave me some encouragement in my great work; and made
me hope, that God designed to “open an ♦effectual door to me” for
spreading the gospel among the poor Heathens farther westward.
♦ “effectul” replaced with “effectual”
[From these Indians he returned to the Irish settlement, and there
preached to a numerous congregation: where was a considerable
appearance of awakening. Thursday, he returned home, exceedingly
fatigued and spent; still in the same mortification to the world, and
solicitous for the advancement of Christ’s kingdom: and on this day
he says, “I have felt, this week more of the spirit of a _pilgrim on
earth_, than ever before; and yet so desirous to see Zion’s prosperity,
that I was not so willing to leave this scene of sorrow as I used to
be.”――On the sabbath, he was confined by illness, not able to go out
to preach. He continued very ill all the next week, and says, that “he
thought he never before endured such a season of distressing weakness;
and that his nature was so spent, that he could neither stand, sit, nor
lie with any quiet; that he was exercised with extreme faintness and
sickness at his stomach; and that his mind was as much disordered as
his body, seeming to be stupid, and without all kind of affection; and
yet perplexed, to think, that he lived for nothing, that precious time
rolled away, and he could do nothing but trifle.”――Concerning the next
five days, he writes thus, “On Lord’s-day, August 5, was still very
poor. But though very weak, I visited and preached to the poor Indians
twice, and was strengthened vastly beyond my expectations. And indeed
the Lord gave me freedom and fervency in addressing them: though I had
not strength enough to stand, but was obliged to sit down the whole
time. Towards night I was extremely weak, faint, sick, and full of pain.
And I have continued much the same last week, thro’ the most of this,
(it being now Friday) unable to engage in any business; frequently
unable to pray in the family. I have neither strength to read, meditate,
nor pray: and this perplexes my mind. I seem like a man that has all
his estate embarked in one small boat, unhappily going adrift, down
a swift current. The poor owner stands on the shore, and looks, and
laments his loss. But, alas! though my all seems to be adrift, and I
stand and see it, I dare not lament: for this sinks my spirits more,
and aggravates my bodily disorders. O that God would pity my distressed
state!”
The next day three weeks, his illness was not so extreme; he was
in some degree capable of business: he also had, for the most part,
much inward assistance; he often expresses great longings for the
enlargement of Christ’s kingdom: he speaks of his hope of this as
all his delight and joy. He continues still to express his usual
longings after holiness, and living to God, and his sense of his own
unworthiness; he several times speaks of his appearing to himself the
vilest creature on earth; and once says, that he verily thought there
was none of God’s children who fell so far short of that holiness, and
perfection in their obedience, which God requires.]
Saturday, September 1. I enjoyed some comfort and sweetness: and as
my bodily strength was a little restored, so my soul seemed to be more
engaged in the things of God.
Lord’s-day, September 2. I was enabled to speak to my poor Indians with
much concern and fervency; and God enabled me to exercise faith in him,
while I was speaking to them. I perceived that some of them were afraid
to embrace _Christianity_, lest they should be enchanted and poisoned
by the ♦_powwows_: but I bid a challenge to all these _powers of
darkness_, to do their worst upon _me_ first. I told my people, I was
a _Christian_, and asked them why the ♦_powwows_ did not bewitch and
poison me? I scarcely ever felt more sensible of my own unworthiness,
than in this: but I saw the honour of God was concerned; and I trusted
to be preserved for a testimony of the divine power and goodness, and
of the truth of Christianity.
♦ “powows” replaced with “powwows”
Wednesday, September 26. After a journey to New-England, I rode home
to the Forks of Delaware. What reason have I to bless God, who has
preserved me in riding more than four hundred and twenty miles. My
health likewise is greatly recovered. O that I could dedicate my all
to God!
Monday, October 1. I was engaged this day in making preparation for my
journey to Susquahannah; and withdrew several times to plead for the
divine presence to go with me to the poor Pagans. Towards night I rode
about four miles, and met my brother Byram:¹ who was come, at my desire,
to be my companion to the Indians. I rejoiced to see him; and God made
his conversation profitable to me. I saw him, as I thought more dead to
the world, its cares, and alluring objects, than I was: and this made
me look within myself, and gave me a greater sense of my ingratitude,
and misery.
¹ Minister at a place called _Rockciticus_, about forty miles
from Mr. Brainerd’s lodgings.
Tuesday, October 2. I set out on my journey, in company with my dear
brother Byram, and my interpreter, and two chief Indians from the Forks
of Delaware. We travelled about twenty-five miles, and lodged in one
of the last houses on our road; after which there was nothing but a
hideous and howling _wilderness_.
Wednesday, October 3. We went on our way into the wilderness, and
found far the most difficult and dangerous travelling, that ever any
of us had seen; we had scarce any thing else but lofty mountains,
deep valleys, and hideous rocks, to make our way through. However,
I felt sweetness in divine things, and had my mind intensely engaged
in meditation. Near night, my beast that I rode upon, hung one of her
legs in the rocks, and fell down under me; but through divine goodness,
I was not hurt. However, she broke her leg; and being near thirty
miles from any house, I saw nothing that could be done to preserve her
life, and so was obliged to kill her, and to prosecute my journey on
foot. Just at dark, we kindled a fire, cut up a few bushes, and made a
shelter over our heads, to save us from the frost, which was very hard;
and committing ourselves to God, we lay down on the ground, and slept
quietly.
[The next day, they went forward on their journey, and at night took up
their lodging in the woods in like manner.]
Friday, October 5. We arrived at Susquahannah-river, at a place called
_Opeholhaupung_; and found there twelve Indian houses. After I had
saluted the king in a friendly manner, I told him my business, and that
my desire was to teach them _Christianity_. After some consultation,
the Indians gathered, and I preached to them. And when I had done, I
asked, if they would hear me again. They replied, they would consider
of it; and soon after sent me word, that they would immediately attend,
if I would preach; which I did with much freedom. When I asked them
again, whether they would hear me further, they replied, they would
the next day. I was exceeding sensible of the impossibility of doing
any thing for the poor Heathen without special assistance: and my soul
rested on God, and left it to him, to do as he pleased in his own cause.
Saturday, October 6. I preached again to the Indians: and in the
afternoon, visited them from house to house, and invited them to come
and hear me again the next day, and put off their hunting design, till
Monday. “This night, the Lord stood by me,” to encourage and strengthen
my soul: I spent more than an hour in secret retirement; and was
enabled to “pour out my heart before God,” for the increase of grace
in my soul, for ministerial endowments, and for success among the poor
Indians.
Monday, October 8. I visited the Indians with a design to take my leave,
supposing they would go out a hunting early; but beyond my expectation
and hope, they desired to hear me preach again. I gladly complied with
their request, and endeavoured to answer their _objections_ against
Christianity. Then they went away; and we spent the afternoon in
reading and prayer, intending to go homeward early the next day.
Tuesday, October 9. We rose about four, and commending ourselves to
God by prayer, we set out homewards about five, and travelled till past
six at night. We then made us a fire, and a shelter of barks, and so
rested.――In the night, the wolves howled round us; but God preserved us.
Friday, October 12. I came home to my lodging; where I poured out my
soul to God, and endeavoured to bless him for his abundant goodness
to me in my late journey. I scarce ever enjoyed more health; and
God marvellously, supported me under the fatigues of the way, and
travelling on foot. Blessed be the Lord, that preserves me in all my
ways.
Lord’s-day, October 14. I was much confused and perplexed in my
thoughts; and almost discouraged, thinking I should never be able
to preach any more. However, I went to the place of public worship,
lifting up my heart, and God was gracious to me, and helped me to plead
with him for holiness, and to use strong arguments with him, drawn
from the sufferings of Christ for this very end, that men might be made
holy. Afterwards I was much assisted in preaching. I know not that God
ever helped me to preach in a more close manner. Through the infinite
goodness of God, I felt what I spake: and God enabled me to speak with
uncommon clearness: and yet I was deeply sensible of my defects in
preaching; blessed be the Lord for his mercy. In the evening I longed
to be entirely alone, to bless God for help in extremity; and longed
for greater degrees of holiness, that I might shew my gratitude to God.
*Tuesday, October 16. I felt a spirit of solemnity and watchfulness;
and was afraid I should not live _to_ and _upon_ God: I longed for more
intenseness and spirituality. In the evening I enjoyed sweet assistance
in prayer, and thirsted and pleaded to be as holy as the blessed
_angels_.
*Friday, October 19. I had an abasing sense of my own unholiness; and
felt my soul melt and mourn, that I had grieved a gracious God, who was
still kind to me, notwithstanding all my unworthiness. My soul enjoyed
a sweet season of sorrow, that I had wronged that blessed God, who
was reconciled to me in his dear Son. My soul was now tender, devout,
and solemn: and I was afraid of nothing but sin; and afraid of that in
every action and thought.
Wednesday, October 24. Near noon I rode to my people; spent some
time, and prayed with them: felt the frame of a _pilgrim_ on earth;
longed much to leave this gloomy mansion; but yet found patience and
resignation. As I returned home from the Indians, I spent the whole
time in lifting up my heart to God.
In the evening I enjoyed a blessed season in prayer; was enabled
to cry to God with a child-like spirit: enjoyed a sweet freedom in
supplicating for myself, and for my dear friends: and longed to be as
lively in God’s service as the angels.
*Friday, October 26. In the morning my soul was melted with a sense of
divine goodness to such a vile worm; I delighted to lean upon God, and
place my whole trust in him: my soul was exceedingly grieved for sin,
and prized and longed after holiness; it wounded my heart deeply, yet
sweetly, to think how I had abused a kind God. I longed to be perfectly
holy, that I might not grieve a gracious God: I longed for holiness
more for this end, than for my happiness sake: and yet this was my
greatest happiness, nevermore to dishonour, but always to glorify the
blessed God.
Wednesday, October 31. I was sensible of my barrenness: my soul failed
when I remembered the fervency I had enjoyed. Oh (I thought) if I could
but be spiritual, warm, heavenly minded, and affectionately breathing
after God, this would be better than life to me! My soul longed
exceedingly for death, to be loosed from this dulness, and made ever
active in the service of God. I seemed to live for nothing, and to
do no good: and Oh, the burden of such a life! Oh, death, death, my
kind friend, hasten and deliver me from dull mortality, and make me
spiritual and vigorous to eternity!
Thursday, November 1. I felt life, and longings after God; I longed to
be always solemn, devout, and heavenly-minded; and was afraid to leave
off praying, lest I should again lose a sense of the sweet things of
God.
Friday, November 2. I was exercised sorely with some things that I
thought myself most of all freed from. And thus I have ever found it,
when I have thought the battle was over, and the conquest was gained,
and so let down my watch, the enemy has risen up and done me the
greatest injury.
[The next day he set out on a journey to New-York, to meet the
Presbytery there: and was gone from home more than a fortnight. He
seemed to enter on this journey with great reluctance; fearing it would
cool his religious affections. But, yet, in his journey he had special
seasons of God’s gracious presence. He was greatly fatigued therein by
cold and storms: and when he returned from New-York to New-Jersey, was
very ill for some time.]
Wednesday, November 21. I rode from Newark to Rockciticus in the
cold, and was almost overcome with it. But I enjoyed sweetness in
conversation with Mr. Jones: my soul loves the people of God, and
especially the ministers, who feel the same trials that I do.
*Thursday, November 22. I came on my way to Delaware river, tho’ much
disordered with a cold and pain in my head. About six at night I lost
my way in the wilderness, and wandered over rocks and mountains, down
hideous steeps, through swamps, and most dreadful and dangerous places:
and the night being dark, I was greatly exposed: I was much pinched
with cold, and distressed with an extreme pain in my head, attended
with sickness at my stomach; so that every step I took was distressing
to me. I had little hope, but that I must lie in the woods all night.
But about nine o’clock I found a house, and was kindly entertained.
Thus I have frequently been exposed: but God has hitherto preserved
me; blessed be his name. Such fatigues and hardships serve to wean
me from the earth; and will make heaven the sweeter. Formerly, when
I was thus exposed, I was ready to please myself with the thoughts of
a comfortable house, a warm fire, and other outward comforts; but now
these have less place in my heart, (through the grace of God) and my
eye is more to God for comfort. In this world I expect tribulation, and
it does not now appear strange to me. I do not in seasons of difficulty
flatter myself that it will be better hereafter; but rather think,
how much worse it might be; how much greater trials others of God’s
children have endured; and how much greater may be reserved for me.
Blessed be God, that he makes the thoughts of my journey’s-end a great
comfort to me, under my sharpest trials: and scarce ever lets these
thoughts be attended with terror; but frequently with great joy.
[Within the next twelve days he spent much time in hard labour, to make
a little cottage, to live in by himself.]
Thursday, December 6. Having now a happy opportunity of being retired
in a house of my own; I set apart this day for secret prayer and
fasting, to implore the blessing of God on myself, on my poor people,
on my friends, and on the church of God. And now God was pleased to
give me a discovery of _the plague of my own heart_, more affecting
than I have of late had. And especially I saw my sinfulness in this,
that when God had _withdrawn_ himself, instead of living and dying
in _pursuit_ of him, I have been disposed to one of these two things,
either to yield an unbecoming respect to some _earthly_ objects, as
if happiness were to be derived from them: or to be secretly _froward_
and impatiently desirous of _death_. That which often drove me to
this impatient desire of death, was a despair of doing any good. But
now God made me sensible of my sin, and enabled me to cry to him for
_forgiveness_. Yet this was not all I wanted: for my soul appeared
exceedingly polluted; and I wanted to be purified “by the blood of
sprinkling that cleanseth from all sin.” And this I was enabled to
pray for in faith. I enjoyed much more intenseness, fervency, and
spirituality than I expected; God was better to me than my fears. I
was enabled to persevere in prayer till the evening: I saw so much need
of divine help, that I knew not how to leave off, and had forgot that I
needed food.
Lord’s-day, December 9. I preached both parts of the day at a place
called _Greenwich_, about ten miles from my own house. In the first
discourse I had scarce any warmth. In the intermission season I got
alone among the bushes, and cried to God being in anguish, that I could
not address souls with more compassion and tender affection; which I
saw I could not get of myself, any more than I could make a world. In
the latter exercise, blessed be the Lord, I had some fervency, both in
prayer and preaching; and in the application I was enabled to address
precious souls with affection, tenderness, and importunity. The Spirit
of God was there; the effects were apparent, tears running down many
cheeks.
Monday, December 10. I rode home, blessed God for his ♦goodness; and
rejoiced, that so much of my work was done, and I so much nearer my
reward.
♦ “gooddess” replaced with “goodness” per Errata
Wednesday, December 12. I was very weak, but enabled with sweetness
to cry, “Come, Lord Jesus! come quickly.” My soul “longed for God, for
the living God.” O how delightful it is, to pray under such influences!
How much better than one’s _necessary food_! I had at this time no
disposition to eat, (though late in the morning) for earthly food
appeared wholly tasteless.――I visited and preached to the Indians,
in the afternoon; but under much dejection. I found my interpreter
under some concern for his soul; which was some comfort to me. I longed
greatly for his conversion, poured out my soul to God for him; and was
enabled to leave all with God.
Thursday, December 13. I spent the day in fasting and prayer, to
implore the divine blessing, more especially on my poor people; in
particular for my interpreter, and three or four more under some
concern for their souls: but in the evening it seemed as if I had need
to pray for nothing so much as for the pardon of sins committed in
the day past. The sins I had most sense of, were pride, and wandering
thoughts.
Lord’s-day, December 16. I was so overwhelmed with dejection, that
I knew not how to live: I longed for death exceedingly: my soul was
_sunk into deep waters_, and _the floods_ were ready to _drown me_:
I was so much oppressed, that my soul was in a kind of horror: I had
no distressing doubt about my own state; but would have chearfully
ventured into eternity. While I was going to preach to the Indians,
my soul was in anguish; I despaired of doing any good. But at last I
insisted on the evidence of Christianity from the _miracles_ of Christ:
and God helped me to make a close application to those that refused to
believe. I was encouraged to find, that God enabled me to be faithful
once more. Then I went and preached to another company of them; but
was very weary and faint. In the evening I was something refreshed,
and enabled to pray and praise God with composure and affection: I
was now willing to live, and longed to do more for God than my weak
state of body would admit of. “I can do all things through Christ that
strengthens me;” and I am willing to _spend_ and _be spent_ in his
service.
Tuesday, December 18. I went to the Indians, and discoursed to them
near an hour, and at last God helped me to speak with warmth. My
interpreter also was amazingly assisted; and I doubt not but “the
Spirit of God was upon him.” And presently most of the grown persons
were much affected, and the tears ran down their cheeks: and one old
man (I suppose an hundred years old) was so affected, that he wept, and
seemed convinced of the importance of what I taught them. I staid with
them a considerable time, exhorting them; and came away, lifting up my
heart to God, and encouraged my interpreter to “strive to enter in at
the strait gate.”
Thursday, January 5, 1744‒5. Being sensible of the great want of the
out-pouring of God’s Spirit, I spent this day in fasting and prayer, to
seek so great a mercy for myself, and my poor people in particular, and
for the church of God in general.
Saturday, January 5. I was much disordered in my head. I was distressed
with a sense of my spiritual pollution, and ten thousand youthful, yea,
and childish follies: all which appeared now fresh, and in a lively
view, as if committed yesterday.
Wednesday, January 9. In the morning, God was pleased to remove
that gloom which has of late oppressed my mind, and gave me freedom
and sweetness in prayer. I was encouraged to plead for grace for
myself, and mercy for my poor Indians: and was sweetly assisted in
my intercessions with God for others. Those things that of late have
appeared almost impossible, were now not only possible, but easy. My
soul so much delighted to continue instant in prayer, that I had no
desire for my _necessary food_: yea, I dreaded leaving off praying,
lest I should lose this spirituality, and this blessed thankfulness.
I felt now quite willing to live, and undergo all trials that might
remain for me in a world of sorrow; but still longed for heaven, that
I might glorify God in a perfect manner.
Monday, January 14. I spent this day under a great degree of bodily
disorder. It pains me, that I live so much of my time for nothing. I
long to do much in a little time, and if it might be the Lord’s will,
to _finish my work_ speedily in this tiresome world. I am sure, I do
not desire to live for any thing in this world; and through grace I am
not afraid to look the _king of terrors_ in the face: I know, I shall
be afraid, if God leaves me; and therefore I think it is always my duty
to lay in for that solemn hour. *But for a considerable time, my soul
has rejoiced to think of death in its nearest approaches; and even when
I have been very weak, and seemed nearest eternity. “Not unto me, not
unto me, but to God be the glory.” I feel that which convinces me, that
if God do not enable me to maintain a holy dependence upon him, death
will be a terror, but at present, I must say, “I long to depart, and
to be with Christ.” When I am in a sweet resigned frame of soul, I am
willing to tarry in a world of sorrow, I am willing to be from home as
long as God sees fit; but when I want the influence of this temper, I
am then apt to be impatient to be gone.――Oh when will the day appear,
that I shall be perfect in holiness.
Wednesday and Thursday, January 16, 17. I spent most of the time in
writing on a divine subject, and enjoyed freedom and assistance. O
what reason have I to be thankful, that God ever helps me to labour and
study for him! He does but _receive his own_, when I am enabled in any
measure to praise him, labour for him, and live to him.
Lord’s day, January 27. I had the greatest degree of inward anguish,
that ever I endured: I was perfectly overwhelmed, and so confused,
that after I began to discourse to the Indians, before I could finish
a sentence, sometimes I forgot entirely what I was aiming at. This
distressing gloom never went off the whole day: but was so far removed,
that I was enabled to speak with some freedom to the Indians, at two
of their settlements; and there was some appearance, of the presence
of God with us. In the evening the gloom continued still, till at
family-prayer,¹ when I was praying for the conversion of my poor people,
the cloud was scattered, so that I enjoyed sweetness and freedom, and
conceived hopes that God designed mercy for them.
¹ Though Mr. Brainerd now dwelt by himself in the little
cottage, which he had built for his own use; yet that was
near a _family_ of white people with whom he had lived
before, and with whom he still attended family-prayer.
Lord’s-day, February 3. In the morning, I was somewhat relieved of that
gloom, that my mind has of late been exercised with; and was enabled
to pray with composure and comfort. But, however, I went to my Indians
trembling; for my soul “remembered the wormwood and the gall” of Friday
last; and I was greatly afraid I should be obliged again to drink of
that _cup of trembling_, which was inconceivably more bitter than death.
But God was pleased to hear my cries, and to afford me great assistance;
so that I felt peace in my soul; and was satisfied, that if not one of
the Indians should be profited yet I should be accepted and rewarded as
faithful.
*Monday, February 11. In the evening I was in a most solemn frame: I
know not that ever death appeared more real to me, or that ever I saw
myself in the condition of a dead corpse, laid out, and dressed for a
lodging in the silent grave, so evidently. And yet I felt exceedingly
comfortable; my mind was composed and calm, and _death_ appeared
_without a sting_. I never felt such an universal mortification to all
created objects. Oh, how great and solemn a thing it appeared to die!
How it lays the greatest honour in the dust! And how vain and trifling
did the riches, honours, and pleasures of the world appear! I could not
so much as think of any of them; for _death, death_, solemn (though not
frightful) _death_ appeared at the door. I could see myself laid out,
and inclosed in my coffin, and put down into the cold grave, without
terror! I spent the evening in conversing with a Christian friend; and
it was a comfortable evening to us both.――What are friends? What are
comforts? What are sorrows? What are distresses?――――“The time is short:
it remains, that they that weep, be as though they wept not; and they
which rejoice, as though they rejoiced not: for the fashion of this
world passeth away. O come, Lord Jesus, come quickly.”
Friday, February 15. I had a sweet sense of the free grace of the
gospel: my soul was encouraged, warmed, and quickened, and my desires
drawn out after God in prayer: being afraid of losing so sweet a guest
as I then entertained. I longed to proclaim the grace I then meditated
upon, to the world of sinners.――O how _quick_ and _powerful_ is the
_word_ of the blessed God!
Lord’s day, February 17. I preached to the _white_ people in the
wilderness, upon the sunny side of a hill: I had a considerable
assembly, consisting of people that lived (many of them) thirty miles
asunder. I discoursed to them, from John vii. 37. “Jesus stood and
cried, saying, If any man thirst,” &c. In the afternoon it pleased God
to grant me great fervency; I was enabled to imitate the example of
Christ, who _stood and cried_.――I was scarce ever enabled to offer the
free grace of God to perishing sinners with more freedom and plainness.
O that I could for ever bless God for the mercy of this day, who,
“answered me in the joy of my heart.”
Lord’s-day, February 24. My _interpreter_ being absent, I knew not how
to perform my work among the Indians. However, I rode to the Indians,
and got a Dutchman to interpret, though he was but poorly qualified.
Afterwards I preached to a few white people from John vi. 67. O the
free grace of Christ, that he seasonably minds his people of their
danger of _backsliding_, and invites them to persevere in their
adherence to himself! I saw that _backsliding_ souls might return,
and welcome, to him _immediately_; without any thing to recommend
them; notwithstanding all their former backslidings. And I felt solemn,
devout, and sweet, resting on him for assistance, acceptance, and peace
of conscience.
*Wednesday, March 6. I spent most of the day in preparing for a journey
to New-England, and in prayer, with a reference to my journey. I was
afraid I should forsake the _fountain of living waters_, and attempt
to derive satisfaction from _broken cisterns_, my dear friends and
acquaintance. I looked to God to keep me from this _vanity_ in special,
as well as others. Towards night, I was visited by some friends, who
discovered an affectionate regard to me, and seemed grieved that I
was about to leave them; especially seeing I did not expect to make
any considerable stay among them, if I should live to return from
New-England.¹ O how kind has God been to me! How has he raised up
friends in every place, where his providence has called me!
¹ It seems, he had a design to remove and live among the
Indians at Susquahannah river.
[The next day, he set out on his journey; and it was above five weeks
before he returned.――The special design of this journey was “To raise
some money among Christian friends, in order to support a ♦colleague
with me in the wilderness, (I having now spent two years in a very
solitary manner) that we might be together; as Christ sent out his
disciples two and two.” He first went into various parts of New-Jersey,
then to New-York; and from thence into New-England. He then returned
into New-Jersey. He seems, for the most part, to have been free from
melancholy in this journey; and many times to have had extraordinary
assistance in public ministrations.]
♦ “collegue” replaced with “colleague”
Saturday, April 13. I rode home to my own house. Blessed be the Lord,
who has preserved me in this tedious journey. Verily it is God that has
upheld me, and guarded my goings.
[This week, he went a journey to Philadelphia, in order to engage the
_Governor_ there to use his interest with the chief man of the _Six
Nations_, (with whom he maintained a strict friendship) that he would
give him leave to live at Susquahannah, and instruct the Indians that
are within their territories.]¹
¹ The Indians at Susquahannah are a mixed company of many
nations, speaking various languages, and few of them
properly of the Six Nations. But yet the country having
formerly been conquered by the Six Nations, they claim the
land; and the Susquahannah-Indians are a kind of vassals to
them.
Lord’s-day, April 21. In the season of the communion, I had comfortable
apprehensions of the blissful communion of God’s people, when they
shall meet at their Father’s table in his kingdom.――In the afternoon
I preached abroad, from Revelation xiv. 4. “These are they that follow
the Lamb,” &c. God was pleased to give me great freedom and clearness,
but not so much warmth as before. However, there was a most amazing
attention in the whole assembly; and, as I was informed afterwards,
this was a sweet season to many.
Tuesday, April 23. I returned home to the Forks of Delaware; enjoyed
some sweet meditations on the road, and was enabled to lift up my heart
to God in prayer and praise.
Friday, April 26. I felt a spirit of mortification to the world, in a
very great degree. Afterwards I was enabled to rely on God sweetly, for
“all things pertaining to life and godliness.” Just in the evening, I
was visited by a dear Christian friend, with whom I spent an hour or
two in conversation, on the very soul of religion. There are many with
whom I can talk _about religion_; but alas! I find few with whom I can
talk _religion itself_: but, blessed be the Lord, there are some that
love to feed on the kernel, rather than the shell.
[The next day, he went to the Irish settlement about fifteen miles
distant: where he spent the sabbath. On Monday, he returned very weak,
to his own lodgings.]
Tuesday, April 30. I was scarce able to walk about, and was obliged to
lie on the bed, much of the day; being neither able to read, meditate,
nor pray, and having none to converse with in that wilderness. Oh, how
heavily does time pass away, when I can do nothing to any good purpose?
Thursday, May 2. In the evening, being a little better in health, I
walked into the woods, and enjoyed a sweet season of meditation and
prayer. My thoughts ran upon Psalms xvii. 15. “I shall be satisfied,
when I awake with thy likeness.” I longed to preach to the whole world;
and it seemed to me, they must needs all be melted in hearing such
precious truths, as I had then a view of.――Blessed be the Lord, that
in my present weakness, my mind is not gloomy, as at some other times.
Tuesday, May 7. I spent the day chiefly in making preparation for a
journey into the wilderness. I was still weak, and concerned how I
should perform it. I spent some time in prayer for the divine blessing;
but wanted bodily strength to spend the day in fasting and prayer.
[The next day, he set out on his journey to Susquahannah, with his
interpreter. He endured great hardships in his way thither through a
hideous wilderness: where, after having lodged one night in the open
woods, he was overtaken with a north-easterly storm, in which he was
ready to perish. Having no shelter, and not being able to make a fire
in so great a rain, he could have no comfort if he stopt; therefore
determined to go forward in hopes of meeting with some shelter, without
which he thought it impossible he should live the night through. But
their horses happening to have eat poisonous plants at a place where
they lodged the night before, were so sick that they could neither
ride nor lead them, but were obliged to drive them before them, until
through the mercy of God (just at dusk) they came to a bark-hut, where
they lodged that night. After he came to Susquahannah, he travelled
about an hundred miles on the river, visited many towns and settlements
of the Indians; and preached to different nations, by different
interpreters. He was sometimes much discouraged, through the opposition
that appeared in the Indians to Christianity. At other times, he was
encouraged by the disposition, that some of them manifested to hear,
and to be instructed. He here met with some that had formerly been
his hearers at Kaunaumeek, who saw and heard him again with great joy.
He spent a fortnight among the Indians; passed through considerable
hardships, frequently lodging on the ground, and sometimes in the
open air; and at length fell extremely ill, as he was riding in the
wilderness, being seized with an ague, followed with extreme pains
in his head and bowels, and a great evacuation of blood; so that he
thought he must have perished. But at last coming to an Indian trader’s
hut, he got leave to stay there: and though without physic or proper
food, it pleased God, after about a week, to relieve him so far that
he was able to ride. He returned homewards from Juneauta, an island
far down the river; where was a considerable number of Indians, who
appeared more free from prejudices against Christianity, than most of
the other Indians. He arrived at the Forks of Delaware on Thursday,
May 30, after having rode in this journey about three hundred and forty
miles. He came home in a very weak state. However, on the sabbath,
after having preached to the Indians, he preached to the _white_ people,
with success, from Isaiah liii. 10. “Yet it pleased the Lord to bruise
him,” &c. some being awakened by his preaching.]
Wednesday, June 5. I felt thirsting desires after God, and enjoyed a
precious season of retirement: divine things opened with clearness and
certainty, and had a divine stamp upon them: my soul was also enlarged
and refreshed in prayer; I delighted to continue in the duty: and
was sweetly assisted in praying for my fellow Christians, and my dear
brethren in the ministry. O what a blessedness it is, to be as much
like God, as it is possible to be! Lord, give me more of _thy likeness_;
“I shall be satisfied, when I awake with it.”
[Friday, June 7. He went a journey of near fifty miles to Neshaminy, to
assist at a sacramental occasion.]
Saturday, June 8. I was exceeding weak and fatigued with riding in the
heat yesterday; but being desired, I preached in the afternoon, to a
crouded audience, from Isaiah xl. 1. “Comfort ye, comfort ye my people,
saith your God.” God was pleased to give me great freedom. And, blessed
be the Lord, it was a sweet melting season in the assembly.
Lord’s day, June 9. I discoursed with reference to that sacred passage,
Isaiah liii. 10. “Yet it pleased the Lord to bruise him.” *God gave me
great assistance in addressing sinners: and the word was attended with
amazing power; many scores, if not hundreds, in that great assembly,
consisting of three or four thousand, were much affected; so that there
was a “very great mourning, like the mourning of Hadadrimmon.”――In
the evening, I could hardly look any body in the face, because of the
imperfections I saw in my performances in the day past.
Tuesday, June 11. I spent the day mainly in conversation with Christian
friends; and enjoyed a sweet sense of divine things. O how desirable it
is, to keep company with God’s children! These are the “excellent ones
of the earth, in whom,” I can truly say, “is all my delight.” O what
delight will it afford, to meet them all in a state of perfection! Lord,
prepare me for that state.
Tuesday, June 18. I set out from New-Brunswick with a design to visit
some Indians at a place called _Crosweeksung_ in New-Jersey, towards
the sea.¹ In the afternoon I came to _Cranberry_, and meeting with a
serious minister, lodged with him.
¹ Mr. Brainerd having, when at Boston, wrote and left with a
friend a brief _relation_ of his labours with the Indians,
during the space of time between November 5, 1744, and June
19, 1745, concludes with this passage: “As my body was very
feeble, so my mind was scarce ever so much discouraged about
the conversion of the Indians, as at this time. And in this
state of body and mind I made my first visit to the Indians
in New-Jersey.”