_From his first beginning to instruct the Indians at
Kaunaumeek, to his_ Ordination.
FRIDAY, April 1, 1743. I rode to Kaunaumeek, near twenty miles from
Stockbridge, where the Indians live, and I lodged on a little heap of
straw. I was greatly exercised with inward distresses all day; and in
the evening seemed to have no God to go to. O that God would help me!
The place was sufficiently lonesome, and unpleasant, being encompassed
with mountains and woods; twenty miles distant from any English
inhabitants; six or seven from any Dutch; and more than two from a
family that came, from the Highlands of Scotland, and had then lived
about two years in this wilderness. In this family I lodged about the
space of three months, the master of it being the only person with whom
I could readily converse in those parts, except my interpreter; others
understanding very little English.
Thursday, April 7. I appeared to myself exceeding ignorant, weak,
helpless, and altogether unequal to my work. It seemed to me I should
never do any service, or have any success among the Indians. My soul
was weary of life: I longed for death, beyond measure. When I thought
of any godly soul departed, my soul was ready to envy him his privilege,
thinking, “Oh, when will my turn come! Must it be years first!”――But I
know those desires rose partly for want of resignation to God. Towards
night, I had faith in prayer, and some assistance in writing. O that
God would keep me near him!
*Friday, April 8. I was exceedingly pressed under a sense of my
_party-spirit_, in times past, while I attempted to promote the
cause of God: its vile nature appeared in such odious colours, that
my very heart was pained: I saw how poor souls stumbled over it into
everlasting destruction, and was constrained to make that prayer in
the bitterness of my soul, “O Lord, deliver me from blood-guiltiness.”
I saw my desert of hell on this account. My soul was full of anguish
and shame before God, that I had spent so much time in conversation
tending only to promote a _party-spirit_. I saw I had not duly prized
mortification, self-denial, resignation under all adversities, meekness,
love, candour, and holiness of heart and life.――Of late, I have thought
much of having the kingdom of Christ advanced in the world; but now I
saw I had enough to do myself. The Lord be merciful to me a sinner.
Lord’s-day, April 10. I preached to the Indians, both forenoon and
afternoon. They behaved soberly in general: two or three appeared under
some concern; with whom I discoursed privately; and one told me, “her
heart had cried, ever since she heard me preach first.”
Wednesday, April 13. I verily thought I was the meanest, vilest, most
helpless, ignorant creature living. And yet I knew what God had done
for my soul: though sometimes I was assaulted with doubts, whether it
was possible for such a wretch as I, to be in a state of grace.
Tuesday, April 19. In the morning, I enjoyed sweet repose in God; felt
some confidence; and was refreshed and comforted. My soul was lifted
above the _deep waters_, wherein it has been so long almost drowned; I
found myself engaged for the advancement of Christ’s kingdom in my own
soul, more than in the Heathen world.
Wednesday, April 20. I set apart this day for fasting and prayer,
to bow my soul before God for grace; especially that all my inward
distresses might be sanctified to my soul. I endeavoured also to
remember the goodness of God to me in the year past. Having obtained
help of God, I am now arrived at the age of twenty-five years. My soul
was pained, to think of my barrenness; that I have lived so little to
the glory of the eternal God. I spent the day in the woods alone, and
there poured out my complaint to God. O that God would enable me to
live to his glory for the future!
*Friday, April 22. My leanness testifies against me! My soul abhors
itself for its unlikeness to God, its inactivity and sluggishness. When
I have done all, what an unprofitable servant am I! I groan to see the
hours of the day roll away, because I do not fill them, in spirituality
and heavenly-mindedness. And yet I long they should speed their pace,
to hasten me to my eternal home, where I may fill up all my moments,
for God and his glory.
*Tuesday, May 10. I was extremely pressed with a sense of guilt,
pollution, blindness; the sins of my youth were set in order before me;
they went over my head a burden, too heavy for me to bear. Almost all
the actions of my life past seem to be covered over with sin and guilt;
and those of them that I performed in the most conscientious manner,
now fill me with shame and confusion, Oh! the _pride, selfishness,
ignorance, bitterness, party-zeal_, and _the want of love, candour,
meekness_, and _gentleness_, that have attended my attempts to promote
religion; and this when I had real assistance from above, and some
sweet intercourse with heaven! But, what corrupt mixtures attended my
best duties!
After several weeks I found my distance from the Indians a very great
disadvantage, as I was obliged to travel forward and backward almost
daily on foot having no pasture in which I could keep my horse. And
after all my pains, I could not be with them in the evening and morning,
which were hours when they could best attend my instructions.
I therefore resolved to remove, and live with or near the Indians,
that I might watch when they were at home and take that time for their
instruction.
Accordingly I removed and for a time lived with them in one of their
_wigwams_: not long after I built me a small house, where I spent
the remainder of that year alone; my interpreter (who was an Indian)
choosing rather to live in a wigwam among his own countrymen.
But although the difficulties of this solitary way of living are
not the least, yet I can truly say the burden I felt respecting
my _great work_ among the poor Indians, the fear and concern that
continually hung upon my spirit, lest they should be prejudiced
against Christianity, by means of some who (although they are called
_Christians_) had rather the Indians should remain heathens, that they
may with more ease cheat them; the fear and concern I felt in these
respects, were much more pressing to me, than all the difficulties that
attended the circumstances of my living.
As to the _state_ or _temper_ of _mind_, in which I found these
Indians, at my first coming among them, it was much more encouraging,
than expected. Their prejudices against Christianity, were in a great
measure removed by the long continued labours of the Rev. Mr. Sergeant
among a number of the same tribe, in a place more than twenty miles
distant: by which means, these were in some degree, prepared to
entertain the truths of Christianity instead of objecting against them
as is common with them at first. Some of them appeared well disposed
toward religion, and seemed pleased with my coming among them.
*Wednesday, May 18. My circumstances are such that I have no comfort,
of any kind, but what I have in God. I live in the most lonesome
wilderness; have but one single person to converse with, that can speak
English.¹ Most of the talk I hear, is either Highland Scotch or Indian.
I have no fellow-Christian to whom I might unbosom myself, and lay open
my spiritual sorrows, and with whom I might take sweet counsel about
heavenly things, and join in prayer. I live poorly with regard to the
comforts of life: most of my diet consists of boiled corn, and hasty
pudding. I lodge on a bundle of straw, my labour is hard; and I have
little appearance of success. The Indian affairs are very difficult;
having no land to live on, but what the Dutch threaten to drive them
from; they have no regard to the souls of the poor Indians; and they
hate me, because I come to preach to them.――――But that which makes all
my difficulties grievous to be borne, is, that “God hides his face from
me.”
¹ This person was Mr. Brainerd’s interpreter; who was an
ingenious young Indian belonging to Stockbridge, whose name
was John Wauwaumpequunaunt, who had been instructed in the
Christian religion by Mr. Sergeant; understood both English
and Indian very well, and wrote a good hand.
[Here he had various exercises of mind; from his first coming to
Kaunaumeek, till he got into his own house, a little hut that he made
chiefly with his own hands, with long and hard labour. How it was with
him in those dark seasons he further describes in his diary for July 2.]
“My soul is, and has for a long time been in a pitieous condition,
wading through a series of sorrows, of various kinds. I have been
so crushed down sometimes with a sense of my meanness and infinite
unworthiness, that I have been ashamed that any, even the meanest of
my fellow creatures, should so much as spend a thought about me, and
have wished while I have travelled among the thick brakes, to drop into
everlasting oblivion. In this case, I have almost resolved never again
to see any of my acquaintance; and really thought, I could not be seen
or heard of any more.――Sometimes the consideration of my ignorance
has been a means of my great distress and anxiety. And especially my
soul has been in anguish with fear, shame and guilt, that ever I had
preached, or had any thought that way.――――Sometimes my soul has been
in distress on feeling some particular corruptions: having at the same
time, ten thousand former sins and follies presented to my view.――――And
these attended with such external circumstances as mine at present are;
destitute of most of the conveniences of life, and I may say, of all
the pleasures of it; without a friend to communicate any of my sorrows
to, and sometimes without any place of retirement, where I may unburden
my soul before God, which has greatly contributed to my distress.”
[One main occasion of that distressing gloominess, next to natural
♦melancholy, was reflecting on his past errors and misguided zeal at
_college_. Therefore he repeated his endeavours for reconciliation with
the governors of the college. And although he had been at New-Haven, in
June, and had attempted a reconciliation; yet in the beginning of July,
he made another journey thither, and renewed his attempt, but still in
vain.]
♦ “melancholly” replaced with “melancholy”
Saturday, July 30. Just at night, I moved into _my own house_, and
lodged there; and I found it much better spending the time alone at
my own house, than in the _wigwam_ where I was before.
Wednesday, August 3. I am now uninterruptly alone; and find my
retirement comfortable. I have enjoyed more sense of divine things
within a few days past, than for some time before. I longed after
holiness, humility and meekness: O that God would enable me to “pass
the time of my sojourning here in his fear,” and always _live to him_!
*Thursday, August 4. I have generally found the more I do in secret
prayer, the more I enjoy of a spirit of prayer; and I frequently have
found the contrary, when with journeying or otherwise, I have been
deprived of retirement. A seasonable steady performance of secret
duties in their proper hours, and a careful improvement of all time,
filling up every hour with some profitable labour, either of heart,
head, or hands, are excellent means of spiritual peace and boldness
before God. “Christ” indeed “is our peace, and by him we have boldness
of access to God;” but a _good conscience void of offence_, is an
excellent preparation for an approach to the divine presence. Filling
up our time _with_ and _for_ God, is the way to rise up and lie down in
peace.
Saturday, August 13. I was enabled in secret prayer to raise my soul to
God, with desire and delight. It was indeed a blessed season to my soul:
I found the comfort of being a Christian: “I counted the sufferings of
the present life not worthy to be compared with the glory” of divine
enjoyments even in this world. All my past sorrows seemed to disappear,
and I “remembered no more the sorrow for joy.”――With what a filial
tenderness, the soul hangs on, and confides in _the Rock of ages_,
at such a season, that he will “never leave it nor forsake it,” that
he will cause all things to work together for its good; I longed that
others should know how good a God the Lord is. My soul was full of
tenderness and love, even to the most inveterate of my enemies. I
longed that God should do just as he pleased with me and every thing
else. I felt exceeding serious, calm, and peaceful, and encouraged
to press after holiness as long as I live, whatever difficulties and
trials may be in my way.
Monday, August 15. In my weak state of body, I was not a little
distressed for want of suitable food. I am forced to go or send ten
or fifteen miles for all the bread I eat; and sometimes it is mouldy
and sour before I eat it, if I get any considerable quantity: and then
again I have none for some days together, for want of an opportunity
to send for it. And this was my case now: but through divine goodness
I had some Indian _meal_, of which I made little cakes, and fried them.
And I felt contented with my circumstances, and sweetly resigned to
God. In prayer I enjoyed great freedom; and blessed God as much for
my present circumstances, as if I had been a king, and I never feel
comfortably, but when I find my soul going forth after God: if I cannot
be holy, I must be miserable for ever.
Lord’s day, August 21. I fell down before the Lord, and groaned under
my own vileness, barrenness, deadness, and felt as if I was guilty of
foul murder, in speaking to immortal souls in such a manner as I had
done.――I was very full of pain in the evening; and my soul mourned that
I had spent so much time to so little profit.
*Monday, August 22. I had intense breathings of soul after holiness,
and very clear manifestations of my utter inability to work it in
myself. O, with what tenderness the love and desire of holiness fills
the soul! I wanted to wing out of myself to God, or rather to get a
conformity to him: but, alas! I cannot add to my stature in grace one
cubit. However, my soul can never leave striving for it; or at least
groaning, that it cannot obtain purity of heart.
*Tuesday, August 23. I poured out my soul for all the world, friends,
and enemies. My soul was concerned for Christ’s kingdom that it might
appear in the whole earth. And I abhorred the very thought of a _party_
in religion! Let the truth of God appear, wherever it is; and God have
the glory for ever.
Wednesday, August 24. I thought, if God should say, “You shall in a
few days go into eternity,” my soul would leap for joy. O that I may
both “desire to be dissolved,” and “wait patiently all the days of my
appointed time till my change come!”――But, alas! I am very unfit for
the business and blessedness of heaven.――O for more holiness!
*Thursday, August 25. I find it is impossible to enjoy peace and
tranquility of mind without a careful improvement of time. This
is really an imitation of God and Christ Jesus: “My father worketh
hitherto, and I work,” says our Lord. And, if we would be like God, we
must see that we fill up our time for him.――I daily long to dwell in
perfect light and love. In the mean time, my soul mourns that I make so
little preparation for the world of blessedness: I see and know that I
am a barren tree in God’s vineyard, and that he might justly say, “Cut
it down.” O that God would make me more lively and vigorous in grace,
for his own glory!
Lord’s-day, August 28. I was much perplexed with some Dutchmen. All
their discourse turned upon the things of the world. Oh, what a _hell_
it would be to spend an eternity with such men! Well might David say,
“I beheld the transgressors and was grieved.”――But adored be God,
_heaven_ is a place “into which no unclean thing enters.” O I long for
the holiness of that world! Lord prepare me for it.
Wednesday, August 31. Eternal things engrossed all my thoughts; and
I longed to be in the world of spirits. O how happy is it, to have all
our thoughts swallowed up in that world; to feel one’s self a stranger
in this, diligently seeking a road through it, a sure road to the
heavenly Jerusalem!
Thursday, September 1. I always feel comfortably when God realizes
death, and the things of another world to my mind: whenever my mind is
taken off from the things of this world, and set on God, my soul is at
_rest_.
Tuesday, September 13. I rode to New-Haven. *I find, though my inward
trials are great, and a life of solitude gives them greater advantages
to penetrate the inmost recesses of the soul; yet it is better to be
alone, than incumbered with noise and tumult. I find it very difficult
maintaining a sense of divine things, while removing from place to
place, diverted with new objects, and filled with care and business.
A settled steady business is best adapted to a life of strict religion.
Wednesday, September 14. This day I ought to have taken my _degree_;¹
but God sees fit to deny it me. And though I was afraid of being
overwhelmed with confusion, when I should see my _class-mates_ take
theirs; yet, in the very season of it, God enabled me with calmness to
say, “The will of the Lord be done.” Indeed, I have scarcely felt my
mind so sedate and comfortable for some time. I have long feared this
season, and expected my humility, meekness, patience, and resignation
would be tried: but found much more pleasure and divine comfort than I
expected.
¹ This being commencement-day.
Thursday, September 15. It is always a comfort to me, to hear spiritual
discourse. O that ministers and people were more spiritual and devoted
to God!――Towards night, I offered the following reflections in writing,
to the rector ♦and trustees of the college, (the same that I had
offered to the rector before, and intreated him to accept;) and this
I did, that if possible I might cut off all occasion of offence, from
those that seek occasion.
♦ duplicate word “and” removed
*“Whereas I have said before several persons, concerning Mr. Whittelsey,
one of the tutors of Yale-college, that I did not believe he had any
more grace than the chair I then leaned upon; I humbly confess that
herein I have sinned against God, and acted contrary to the rules
of his word, and have injured Mr. Whittelsey. I had no right to make
thus free with his character; and had no just reason to say as I did
concerning him. My fault herein was the more aggravated, in that I
said this concerning one that was so much my superior, and one that I
was obliged to treat with special respect and honour, by reason of the
relation I stood in to him in the college. Such a manner of behaviour,
I confess, did not become a Christian; it was taking too much upon
me, and did not favour of that humble respect, that I ought to have
expressed towards Mr. Whittelsey. I have often reflected on this act
with grief, on account of the sin of it: and am willing to lie low,
and be abased before God and man for it: and humbly ask the forgiveness
of the governors of the college, and of the whole society; but of
Mr. Whittelsey in particular. And I now appear, to judge and condemn
myself for going once to the separate meeting in New-Haven, though the
rector had refused to give me leave. For this I humbly ask the rector’s
forgiveness. And whether the governors of the college shall ever see
cause to remove the academical censure I lie under, or no, yet I am
willing to appear, if they think fit, openly to own, and to humble
myself for those things I have herein confessed.”
*God has made me willing to do any thing, that I can do, consistent
with truth, for the sake of peace, and that I might not be a
stumbling-block and offence to others. For this reason I can chearfully
give up what I verily believe, after the most impartial search, is my
right. God has given me that disposition, that if this were the case,
that a man has done me an hundred injuries, and I (though ever so much
provoked to it) have done him one, I am heartily willing humbly to
confess my fault to him, and on my knees to ask forgiveness of him;
though at the same time he should justify himself in all the injuries
he has done me, and should only make use of my humble confession to
blacken my character the more, and represent me as the only person
guilty; yea, though he should as it were insult me, and say, “he knew
all this before, and that I was making work for repentance.” Though
what I said concerning Mr. Whittelsey was only spoken in private, to
a friend or two; and being partly overheard, was related to the rector,
and by him extorted from my friends; yet, seeing it was divulged and
made public, I was willing to confess my fault therein publickly.¹
¹ I was witness to the very Christian spirit Mr. Brainerd
shewed at that time, being then at New-Haven, and being
one that he saw fit to consult on that occasion. (This
was the first time that ever I had opportunity of personal
acquaintance with him.) There appeared in him a great degree
of calmness and humility; without the least appearance of
rising of spirit for any ill-treatment he had suffered, or
the least backwardness to abase himself before them whom
he thought, had wronged him. What he did was without any
appearance of reluctance even in private to his friends.
Earnest application was made on his behalf to the authority
of the college, that he might have his degree then given
him; and particularly by the Rev. Mr. Burr of Newark, one of
the correspondents of the honourable society in Scotland; he
being sent from New-Jersey to New-Haven, by the rest of the
commissioners, for that end; and many arguments were used,
but without success.――――What manner of spirit were these
governors of? Do these dare to call themselves _Christians_?
What is this Mr. Whittelsey? Was he worthy to carry Mr.
Brainerd’s books after him?
[The next day he went to Derby; then to Southbury, where he spent the
Sabbath.]
Tuesday, September 20. I had thoughts of going forward on my journey to
my Indians; but towards night was taken with a hard pain in my teeth,
and shivering cold, and could not possibly recover a comfortable decree
of warmth the whole night following. I continued very full of pain all
night; and in the morning had a fever, and pains almost all over my
body. I had a sense of the divine goodness in appointing this to be the
place of my sickness, among my friends. I should probably have perished,
if I had first got home to my own house in the wilderness, where I have
none to converse with but the poor rude ignorant Indians. I continued
thus, mostly confined to my bed, till Friday night; very full of pain;
but not afraid of death.――――On Friday evening my pains went off
suddenly.
[From this time, he gradually recovered; and on the next Tuesday was
able to go forward on his journey; but was till the Tuesday following
before he reached Kaunaumeek.]
Tuesday, October 4. This day I rode home to my own house and people.
The poor Indians appeared very glad of my return. I presently fell
on my knees, and blessed God for my safe return. I have taken many
considerable journeys since this time last year, and yet God has never
suffered one of my bones to be broken, or any calamity to befal me,
though I have been often exposed to cold and hunger in the wilderness,
where the comforts of life were not to be had; have frequently been
lost in the woods; and once lay out in the woods all night.
Lord’s-day, October 16. I retired, and poured out my soul to God with
much freedom; and yet in anguish, to find my soul so unspeakably sinful
and unworthy before a holy God. I was now much resigned under God’s
dispensations towards me, though my trials had been very great. But
thought whether I could be resigned, if God should let the French
Indians come upon me, and deprive me of my life, or carry me away
captive, (though I knew of no special reason then to propose this trial
to myself,) and my soul seemed so far to rest in God, that the sting
and terror of these things was gone. Presently after I received the
following letter by a messenger sent on purpose.
“Sir, Just now we received advices from Colonel Stoddard, that there
is the utmost danger of a rupture with France. He has received the
same from his excellency our governor, ordering him to give notice to
all the exposed places, that they may secure themselves the best they
can against any sudden invasion. We thought best to send directly to
Kaunaumeek, that you may take the prudentest measures for your safety.
I am, Sir, &c.”
I thought, it came in a good season; for my heart seemed fixed on God,
and therefore I was not surprised: but this news only made me more
serious, and taught me that I must not please myself with any of the
comforts of life which I had been preparing.
Lord’s-day, October 23. I had some freedom and warmth, both parts of
the day. And my people were very attentive. In the evening, two or
three came to me under concern for their souls; to whom I was enabled
to discourse closely, and with some earnestness.
[He seems, through the whole of this week, to have been greatly engaged
to fill up every inch of time in the service of God, and to have been
most diligently employed in study, prayer, and instructing the Indians;
and from time to time expresses longings of soul after God, and the
advancement of his kingdom.]
Monday, October 31. My soul was so lifted up to God, that I could
pour out my desires to him, for more grace and further degrees of
sanctification, with abundant freedom. I longed to be more abundantly
prepared for that blessedness, with which I was then in some measure
refreshed.
Thursday, November 3. I spent this day in secret fasting and prayer,
from morning till night. Early in the morning, I had some assistance
in prayer. Afterwards, I read the story of Elijah the prophet, 1 Kings
xvii. xviii. and xix. chapters. My soul was much moved, observing the
faith, zeal, and power of that holy man; and how he wrestled with God
in prayer. I then cried with Elisha, “Where is the Lord God of Elijah!”
I longed for more faith! My soul breathed after God, and pleaded with
him, that a “double portion of that spirit,” which was given to Elijah,
might “rest on me.” And that which was refreshing to my soul, was, I
saw God is the _same_ that he was in the days of Elijah.――I was enabled
to wrestle with God by prayer, in a more affectionate, humble, and
importunate manner, than I have for many months past. Nothing seemed
too hard for God to perform; nothing too great for me to hope for from
him.――I had for many months lost all hopes of doing any special service
for God in the world; it appeared entirely impossible, that one so
vile should be thus employed for God. But at this time God was pleased
to revive this hope.――Afterwards I read the third chapter of Exodus
and on to the xxth, and saw more of the _glory_ and _majesty_ of _God_
discovered in those chapters, than ever I had seen before; frequently
in the mean time falling on my knees, and crying to God for the faith
of Moses, and for a manifestation of the _divine glory_. My soul was
ardent in prayer, and I was enabled to wrestle for myself, for my
friends, and for the church of God. And I felt more desire to see the
power of God in the conversion of souls, than I have done for a long
season. Blessed be God for this season of fasting and prayer! May his
goodness always abide with me, and draw my soul to him!
*Monday November 7. This morning my mind was solemn, fixed,
affectionate, and ardent in desires after holiness; and felt full of
tenderness and love; and my affections seemed to be dissolved into
kindness and softness.――My soul longed after God, and cried to him with
filial freedom, reverence, and boldness. O that I might be entirely
consecrated and devoted to God!
Thursday, November 10. I spent this day in fasting and prayer. In the
morning I was dull and lifeless: But after some time, reading 2 Kings
xix. chapter, my soul was moved and affected. I saw there was no way
for the afflicted to take, but to go to God with all their sorrows.
Hezekiah, in his great distress, went and spread his complaint before
the Lord. I was then enabled to see the mighty power of God, and my
extreme need of that power; and to cry to God affectionately and
ardently for his power to be exercised towards me.
[The remaining part of this week, and the two following weeks, he was
very ill, and full of pain; and yet obliged, to be at great fatigues,
travelling day and night, in stormy and severe seasons. He from time
to time, within this space, speaks of out-goings of soul after God; his
heart strengthened in God; seasons of divine sweetness and comfort. And
yet there are many complaints of lifelessness, distance from God, and
unprofitableness. But still there appears a constant care, from day to
day, not to lose time, but to employ it all for God.]
Tuesday, November 29. I began to study the Indian tongue, with
Mr. Sergeant at ♦Stockbridge.¹――I was perplexed for want of more
retirement.――I love to live alone in my own little _cottage_, where
I can spend much time in prayer.
♦ “Stockbrige” replaced with “Stockbridge”
¹ The commissioners had directed him to spend much time
this winter with Mr. Sergeant, to learn the language of
the Indians; which necessitated him very often to ride,
backwards and forwards, twenty miles through the uninhabited
woods between Stockbridge and Kaunaumeek. This many times
exposed him to extreme hardship in that severe season.
Monday, December 5. I rode to Stockbridge, but was almost outdone with
the extreme cold. I had some refreshing meditations by the way; but was
barren and lifeless, much of the day. Thus my days roll away, with but
little done for God; and this is my burden.
Tuesday, December 6. I was perplexed to see the vanity and levity of
professed Christians: but I spent the evening with a Christian friend,
that was able to sympathize with me in my spiritual conflicts.
*Thursday, December 8. My mind was lost with different affections. I
was looking round in the world, to see if there was not some happiness
to be derived from it. God, and some objects in the world seemed each
to invite my heart, and my soul seemed to be distracted between them.
I have not been so beset for a long time: with relation to some objects
which I thought myself most dead to. But while I was desiring to please
myself with any thing below, sorrow and perplexity attended the first
motions of desire.――I found no peace or deliverance from distraction,
till I found access to the throne of grace; and as soon as I had
any sense of God, the allurements of the world vanished. But my soul
mourned over my folly, that I should desire any pleasure, but in God.
God forgive my spiritual idolatry.
Thursday, December 22. I spent this day alone in fasting and prayer,
and reading in God’s word the exercises and deliverance of his children.
I had realizing apprehensions of divine power, grace, and holiness; and
also of the unchangeableness of God, that he is the same as he was when
he delivered his saints of old out of tribulation. My soul was sundry
times in prayer enlarged for God’s church and people. O that Zion might
become the “joy of the whole earth!”
Monday, December 26. I rode down to Stockbridge, but was very much
fatigued with my journey, wherein I underwent great hardship: being
very wet by falling into a river. I spent the day without much sense
of divine things; but perplexed with wandering thoughts.
Thursday, December 29. I spent the day mainly in conversing with
friends; yet enjoyed little satisfaction, because I could find but few
disposed to converse of heavenly things. Alas what are the things of
this world, to afford satisfaction to the soul!――――I blessed God for
retirement, and that I am not always exposed to company. O that I could
live “in the secret of God’s presence!”
Friday, December 30. I was in a solemn devout frame and wondered that
earth with all its charms, should ever allure me in the least degree.
O that I could always realize the being and holiness of God!
Saturday, December 31. I rode from Stockbridge home: the air was clear
and calm, but as cold as ever I felt it. I was in great danger of
perishing by the extremity of the season.
Lord’s-day, January 1, 1743‒4. Of a truth God has been gracious to me
the past year, though he has caused me to pass through many sorrows; he
has provided for me bountifully, so that I have been enabled in about
fifteen month’s past, to bestow to charitable uses about an hundred
pounds. Blessed be the Lord, that has so far used me as _his steward_
to distribute a _portion of his goods_. May I always remember, that all
I have comes from God. Blessed be the Lord, that has carried me through
all the toils, fatigues, and hardships of the year past. O that I could
begin this year _with God_, and spend the whole of it to _his glory_,
either in life or death!
Tuesday, January 3. My time passes away so swiftly, that I am
astonished when I reflect how little I do in it. My state of solitude
does not make the hours hang heavy upon my hands. O what reason of
thankfulness have I on account of this retirement! I do not, and it
seems I cannot, lead a Christian life when I am abroad, and cannot
spend time in devotion, Christian conversation, and meditation. Those
weeks that I am obliged to be from home, in order to learn the Indian
tongue, are mostly spent in barrenness. When I return home, and give
myself to meditation, prayer, and fasting, a new scene opens, and my
soul longs for mortification, self-denial, humility, and divorcement
from all the things of the world.
*Wednesday, January 4. Time appeared a _moment_, life a _vapour_, and
all its enjoyments as _empty bubbles_, and fleeting blasts of wind.
*Friday, January 6. Feeling my extreme weakness, and want of grace,
I set apart this day for fasting and prayer, neither eating nor
drinking from evening to evening. And my soul intensely longed,
that the dreadful spots and stains of sin may be washed away. My
mind was greatly fixed on divine things: my resolutions for a life
of mortification, continual watchfulness, self-denial, seriousness,
and devotion to God, were strong and fixed; my desires ardent and
intense: my conscience tender and afraid of every appearance of evil.
My soul was grieved with the reflection on my past levity, and want of
resolution for God. I solemnly renewed my dedication of myself to God,
and longed for grace to enable me always to keep covenant with him.
Saturday, January 14. This morning I enjoyed a solemn season in prayer:
my soul seemed enlarged, to pour out itself to God for grace, and for
every blessing I wanted, for myself, my dear Christian friends, and for
the church of God; and I was so enabled to _see him who is invisible_,
that my soul _rested upon him_ for the performance of every thing I
asked. It was my happiness, to “continue instant in prayer.” My soul
was “strong in the Lord, and in the power of his might.” I longed
exceedingly for angelic holiness, and to have all my thoughts, at all
times employed in heavenly things. O how blessed is an heavenly temper!
O how unspeakably blessed it is to feel a measure of that rectitude, in
which we were at first created!
[The next day he speaks of some glimpses he had of the divine glories;
but seems to be filled with fears lest he should return to a life of
vanity, to please himself with some of the enjoyments of this world;
and speaks of his being much troubled that he should address immortal
souls with no more ardency and desire of their salvation.]
Saturday, February 4. I enjoyed freedom and spiritual refreshment;
was enabled to pray with fervency, and longing desires for Zion’s
prosperity, and my faith and hope seem to _take hold of God_, for
the performance of what I was enabled to plead for. Sanctification in
myself, and the ingathering of God’s elect, was all my desire; and the
hope of its accomplishment, all my joy.
Monday, February 6. This morning, my soul was strengthened in God,
and found sweet repose in him; longing especially for the complete
mortification of sensuality and pride, and for resignation to God’s
dispensations, at all times, as through grace I felt it at this time.
And I did not desire deliverance from any difficulty, unless God was
willing.
Tuesday, February 7. I was much engaged in meditation on the powers and
affections of the godly soul in their pursuit of their beloved object:
wrote something of the native language of spiritual sensation, in its
soft and tender whispers; declaring, that it now “feels and tastes that
the Lord is gracious;” that he is the supreme good, the only satisfying
happiness; that he is a complete, sufficient, and Almighty portion:
saying,
*_“Whom have I in heaven but thee? And there is none upon earth that
I desire besides thee._ O, I feel it is heaven to please him, and to
be just what he would have me to be! O that my soul were _holy, as he
is holy_! O that it were _pure, even as Christ is pure_: and _perfect,
as my Father in heaven is perfect_! These, I feel, are the sweetest
commands in God’s book, comprising all others. And shall I break them!
Must I break them! Am I under a necessity of it as long as I live
in the world!¹ O my soul, wo, wo is me that I am a sinner, because I
grieve and offend this blessed God, who is infinite in goodness and
grace! Oh methinks, if he would punish me for my sins, it would not
wound my heart so deep to offend him: but though I sin continually, yet
he continually repeats his kindness to me! I could bear any suffering;
but how can I bear to grieve and dishonour this blessed God! How shall
I yield ten thousand times more honour to him? What shall I do to
glorify this best of beings? O that I could consecrate myself, soul and
body, to his service for ever! O that I give up myself to him, so as
never more to attempt to be my own, or to have any will or affections
that are not perfectly ♦conformed to him! But, alas, alas! I cannot
be thus entirely devoted to God.² O ye angels, do ye glorify him
incessantly; and if possible, prostrate yourselves lower before the
blessed King of Heaven! I long to bear a part with you; and, if it were
possible, to help you. Oh, when we have done all that we can, to all
eternity, we shall not be able to offer the ten thousandth part of the
homage that the glorious God deserves!”
¹ No.
♦ “confirmed” replaced with “conformed” per Errata
² You may as sure as God is true.
Thursday, February 9. I observed this day as a day of fasting and
prayer, intreating of God to bestow upon me his blessing and grace:
especially to enable me to live a life of mortification to the world,
as well as of resignation and patience. I enjoyed a realizing sense of
divine power and goodness in prayer: and was enabled to roll the burden
of myself and friends, and of Zion, upon the goodness of God.
Friday, February 10. I was exceedingly oppressed with shame, grief, and
fear, under a sense of my past folly. When God sets before me my past
misconduct, especially any instances of _misguided zeal_, it sinks my
soul into shame and confusion.――I have no confidence to hold up my face,
even before my fellow-worms; but only when my soul confides in God, and
I find the sweet temper of Christ, the spirit of humility, solemnity,
and mortification, and resignation, alive in my soul.
Monday, February 13. I rode to Stockbridge, and had a more refreshing
taste of heavenly blessedness, than I have enjoyed for many months past.
I have many times, of late, felt as ardent desires of holiness as ever;
but not so much sense of the unspeakable pleasure of heaven. My soul
longed to leave earth, and bear a part with angels in their celestial
employments. My soul said, “Lord, it is good to be here;” and it
appeared to me better to die, than to lose the relish of these heavenly
delights.
Wednesday, February 22. I had as clear a sense of the pollution of my
nature, as ever I had in my life. I appeared to myself inexpressibly
lothsome; sins of childhood, of early youth, and such follies as I
had not thought of for years together, came fresh to my view, as if
committed but yesterday. Yet I was supported under my burdens; and
found it was comfortable to lean on God.
*Friday, March 2. I never felt so much love to my enemies, (though at
that time I found such a disposition, that I scarce knew how to think
that any such thing as enmity lodged in any soul; it seemed as if all
the world must needs be friends;) and never prayed with more freedom
and delight, for myself, or dearest friend, than I did now for them.
*Saturday, March 3. I spent an hour in prayer, with great freedom,
and with the most soft and tender affection towards mankind. I longed
that those who owe me ill-will, might be eternally happy: it seemed
refreshing, to think of meeting them in heaven, how much soever they
had injured me on earth: I had no disposition to insist upon any
confession from them, in order to reconciliation, and the exercise of
love and kindness to them. O it is an emblem of heaven, to love all the
world with a love of kindness and benevolence; to feel our souls sedate,
mild and meek; to be void of all evil-surmisings and suspicions, scarce
able to think evil of any man; to find our hearts, simple, open and
free, to those that look upon us with a different eye.
*Lord’s-day, March 4. I enjoyed the same intenseness in prayer as
yesterday, felt the same spirit of love, universal benevolence,
forgiveness, humility, resignation, mortification to the world, and
composure of mind. “My soul rested in God;” and I found, I wanted no
other refuge or friend. While my soul thus trusts in God, all things
seem to be at peace with me, even the stones of the earth; but when I
cannot confide in God, all things appear with a different aspect.
*Saturday, March 10. I felt exceeding dead to the world, and all its
enjoyments: I was ready to give up life and all its comforts, as soon
as called to it; and yet then had as much comfort of life as almost
ever I had. Life itself appeared but an empty bubble; the riches,
honours, and enjoyments of it extremely tasteless. I longed to be
perpetually and entirely _crucified_ to all things here below. My soul
was sweetly resigned to God’s disposal of me, in every regard; and
I saw, there had nothing happened to me but what was best for me. I
confided in God, that he would “never leave me,” though I should “walk
through the valley of the shadow of death.” It was “my meat and drink
to be holy, to live to the Lord, and to die to the Lord.” And I then
enjoyed such an heaven, as far exceeded the most sublime conceptions of
an unregenerate soul; and even unspeakably beyond what I myself could
conceive at another time. I did not wonder, that Peter said, “Lord it
is good to be here,” when thus refreshed with divine glories. My soul
was full of love and tenderness in the duty of intercession; especially
of sweet affection to some godly ministers. I prayed earnestly for
those I have reason to fear are my enemies; and could not have spoken a
word of bitterness, or entertained a bitter thought, against the vilest
man living. I had a sense of my own great unworthiness. My soul seemed
to breathe forth love and praise to God afresh, when I thought he
would let his children love and receive me as one of their brethren and
fellow-citizens; and when I thought of their treating me in that manner,
I longed to lie at their feet; and could think of no way to express the
sincerity and simplicity of my love and esteem of them, as being much
better than myself.――I longed to get on my knees, and ask forgiveness
of every body that ever had seen any thing amiss in my past conduct,
especially in my _religious zeal_.
Lord’s-day, March 11. I had some freedom, affection, and fervency in
addressing my poor people; longing that God should take hold of their
hearts. And indeed I had so much to say to them, that I knew not how to
leave off speaking.¹
¹ This was the last Sabbath that ever he performed public
service at Kaunaumeek, and these the last sermons that ever
he preached there.
Monday, March 12. My spirit was full of quietness, and love to mankind;
and I longed that peace should reign on the earth: I was grieved at the
very thoughts of a _fiery, angry_, and _intemperate_ zeal in religion;
mourned over my past follies; and confided in God for grace sufficient
for my future work and trials.――Spent the day mainly in hard labour,
making preparation for my intended journey.
Wednesday, March 14. I enjoyed some intenseness of soul in prayer,
repeating my petitions for God’s presence in every place, and besought
the Lord that I might not be too much pleased with my dear friends and
acquaintance. Near ten I set out on my journey, and before night came
to Stockbridge.
Thursday, March 15. I rode down to Sheffield. Here I met a messenger
from East-Hampton on Long-Island; who by the unanimous vote of that
large town, was sent to invite me thither, in order to settle with that
people; I knew not what to do; but endeavoured to commit the cause to
God.
[The two next days, he went no farther than Salisbury, being hindered
by the rain. When he came there, he was much indisposed.――He speaks
of comfortable and profitable conversation with Christian friends, on
these days.]
Lord’s day, March 18. [At Salisbury] I was exceeding weak and faint, so
that I could scarce walk: but God was pleased to afford me much freedom,
clearness, and fervency in preaching.――Here another messenger met me,
and informed me of the vote of another congregation, to give me an
invitation to come among them. I was something exercised in mind. O
that God would “send forth faithful labourers into his harvest!”
[After this, he went forward on his journey towards New-York and
New-Jersey: in which he proceeded slowly; performing his journey under
great bodily indisposition. However, he preached several times by the
way, in which he had considerable assistance: he speaks of comfort in
conversation with Christian friends; but yet complains of a decline
of vivacity, by means of his constant removal from place to place, and
want of retirement. He came to New-York on Wednesday, March 28, and to
Elisabeth-Town on the Saturday following, where it seems he waited till
the commissioners came together.]
Thursday, April 5. I attended on the commissioners in their meeting,¹
and resolved to go on still with the Indian affair, if divine
providence permitted; although I had before felt some inclination to
go to East-Hampton.²
¹ The Indians at Kaunaumeek being but few in number, and
Mr. Brainerd having now been labouring among them about a
year, and having prevailed upon them to leave Kaunaumeek,
and remove to Stockbridge, to live constantly under Mr.
Sergeant’s ministry; he thought he might now do more service
for Christ among the Indians elsewhere: and therefore went
this journey to New-Jersey to lay the matter before the
commissioners; who met at Elisabeth-Town, on this occasion,
and determined that he should forthwith leave Kaunaumeek,
and go to the Delaware Indians.
² By the invitations Mr. Brainerd lately received, it
appears that it ♦was not from necessity, or for want of
opportunities to settle among the English, that he was
determined to forsake all outward comforts, and to go and
spend his life among the brutish savages. He had, just
as he was leaving Kaunaumeek, an earnest invitation to a
settlement at East-Hampton on Long-Island, the fairest,
pleasantest town on the whole island, and one of its largest
and most wealthy parishes. The people there were unanimous
in their desires to have him for their pastor, and for a
long time continued in an earnest pursuit of it. Besides he
had an invitation to Millington; which was near his native
town, and in the midst of his friends. Nor did Mr. Brainerd
chuse the business of a missionary, rather than accept of
those invitations, because he was unacquainted with the
difficulties and sufferings which attended such a service:
for he had had experience of these difficulties in summer
and winter: having spent about a twelvemonth in a lonely
desert among these savages, where he had gone through
extreme hardships, a train of outward and inward sorrows.
Notwithstanding all these things, he chose still to go on;
and that although the place he was now going to, was at a
much greater distance from most of his friends, acquaintance,
and native land.
♦ “was” replaced with “was not” per Errata
[After this, he continued two or three days in ♦the Jerseys, very ill;
and then returned to New-York; and from thence into New-England, to his
native town of Haddam; where he arrived on Saturday, April 14.]
♦ “he” replaced with “the”
*Tuesday, April 17. I found more of God’s presence, than I have done
any time in my late wearisome journey. Eternity appeared very near;
my nature was very weak, and seemed ready to be dissolved; the sun
declining, and the shadows of the evening drawing on a pace. O I longed
to fill up the remaining moments all for God! Though my body was so
feeble, and wearied with preaching, and private conversation, yet I
wanted to sit up all the night to do something for God. To God, the
giver of these refreshments, be glory for ever and ever.
[After this, he visited several ministers in Connecticut; and then
travelled towards Kaunaumeek, and came to Mr. Sergeant’s at Stockbridge,
Thursday, April 26.]
Friday and Saturday, April 27, and 28. I spent some time in discoursing
with my people, who were now moved down from their own place to Mr.
Sergeant’s.
Monday, April 30. I rode to Kaunaumeek, but was extremely ill; and did
not enjoy the comfort I hoped for in my own house.
Tuesday, May 1. Having received new orders to go to the Indians on
Delaware river in Pennsylvania, and my people here being mostly removed
to Mr. Sergeant’s, I this day took all my clothes, books, &c. and
disposed of them, and set out for Delaware river: but made it my way to
return to Mr. ♦Sergeant’s; which I did this day, just at night. I rode
several hours in the rain through the howling wilderness, although I
was so disordered in body, that little or nothing but blood came from
me.
♦ “Serjeant’s” replaced with “Sergeant’s”
Tuesday, May 8. I spent much of my time, while riding, in prayer, that
God would go with me to Delaware. My heart sometimes was ready to sink
with the thoughts of my work, and going alone in the wilderness, I
knew not where: but still it was comfortable, to think, that others of
God’s children had “wandered about in caves and dens of the earth:” and
Abraham, when he was called to go forth, “went out, not knowing whither
he went.”
[The next day, he went forward on his journey; crossed Hudson’s river,
and went to Goshen in the Highlands; and so travelled across the woods,
from Hudson’s river to Delaware, about an hundred miles, through a
desolate and hideous country, above New-Jersey; where were very few
settlements: in which journey he suffered much fatigue and hardship. He
visited some Indians in the way,¹ and discoursed with them concerning
Christianity, but was melancholy and disconsolate, being alone in a
strange wilderness. On Saturday, he came to a settlement of Irish and
Dutch people, about twelve miles above the Forks of Delaware.]
¹ See Mr. Brainerd’s Narrative, in a letter to Mr. Pemberton.
On May 10. I met with a number of Indians in a place called Minnissinks,
about an hundred and forty miles from Kaunaumeek, and directly in my
way to Delaware river. With these Indians I spent some time, and first
addressed their _king_ in a friendly manner; and after some discourse,
I told him I had a desire to instruct them in _Christianity_. At which
he laughed, turned his back upon me, and went away. I then addressed
another _principal_ man in the same manner, who said he was willing
to hear me. After some time, I followed the _king_ into his house,
and renewed my discourse to him: but he declined talking, and left
the affair to another, who appeared to be a rational man. He talked
very warmly near a quarter of an hour, and inquired why I desired the
Indians to become _Christians_, seeing the Christians were so much
worse than the Indians? The Christians, he said, would lie, steal,
and drink, worse than the Indians. It was _they_ first taught the
Indians to be drunk; and _they_ stole from one another, to that degree,
that their rulers were obliged to hang them for it, and that was not
sufficient to deter others from the like practice. But the Indians,
he added, were none of them ever hanged for stealing, and yet they
did not steal half so much; and he supposed that if the Indians should
become Christians, they then would be as bad as these. He added, they
would live as their _fathers_ lived, and go where their _fathers_ were
when they died. I then freely _owned, lamented_, and joined with him
in _condemning_ the ill conduct of some who are called _Christians_;
told him, these were not _Christians_ in _heart_; that I hated such
wicked practices, and did not desire the Indians to become such as
these.――And when he appeared calmer, I asked him if he was willing
that I should come and see them again: he replied, he should be willing
to see me again, as a _friend_, if I would not desire them to become
_Christians_.――I then bid them farewell, and prosecuted my journey
towards Delaware. And May 13th I arrived at a place called by the
Indians, Sakhauwotung, within the Forks of Delaware in Pennsylvania.
Here also when I came to the Indians, I saluted their king, in a manner
I thought most engaging: and soon after informed him of my desire to
instruct them in the _Christian religion_. After he had consulted a
few minutes with two or three old men, he told me, he was willing to
hear. I then preached to those few that were present; who appeared very
attentive. And the king in particular seemed both to wonder, and at the
same time to be well pleased with what I taught them, respecting the
divine being. And since that time he has ever shewn himself friendly
to me, giving me free liberty to preach in his house whenever I think
fit.――Here therefore I spent the greater part of the summer, preaching
usually in the king’s house.
The number of Indians in this place is but small; most of those that
formerly belonged here, are removed farther back in the country. There
are not more than ten houses hereabouts, that continue to be inhabited;
and some of these are several miles distant from others, which makes
it difficult for the Indians to meet together so frequently as could be
desired.
When I first began to preach here, the number of _hearers_ was very
small; often not exceeding twenty or twenty-five persons: but towards
the latter part of the summer, their number increased, so that I have
frequently had forty persons, or more, at once: and often the most of
those belonging to these parts.
Lord’s-day, May 13. I rose early; felt very poorly after my long
journey, and after being wet and fatigued. I had scarce ever seen such
a gloomy morning in my life: there appeared to be no _Sabbath_: the
children were all at play; I a stranger in the wilderness, and knew
not where to go; and all circumstances seemed to conspire to render
my affairs dark and discouraging. I mourned after the presence of God,
and seemed like a creature banished from his sight! Yet he was pleased
to support my sinking soul, amidst all my sorrows; so that I never
entertained any thought of quitting my business among the poor Indians;
but was comforted, to think, that death would ere long set me free from
these distresses.――I rode about three or four miles to the Irish people,
where I found some that appeared sober and concerned about religion.
My heart then began to be a little encouraged: I went and preached
first to the Irish, and then to the Indians: and in the evening I was
a little comforted; my soul seemed to rest on God and take courage. O
that the Lord would be my support and comforter in an evil world!
Monday, May 14. I felt myself loose from all the world; all appeared
“vanity and vexation of spirit.” I seemed lonesome, as if I was
banished from all mankind, and bereaved of all that is called pleasant
in the world; but appeared to myself so vile and unworthy, it seemed
fitter for me to be here than anywhere.
Thursday, May 17. I was greatly distressed with a sense of my vileness;
appearing to myself too bad to walk on God’s earth. God was pleased
to let me see my inward pollution to such a degree, that I almost
despaired of being made holy. In the afternoon I met with the Indians,
according to appointment, and preached to them. And while riding to
them, I seemed to confide in God; and afterwards had some enlargement
in prayer; vital piety and holiness appeared sweet to me, and I longed
for the perfection of it.
Lord’s-day, May 20. I preached twice to the poor Indians, and enjoyed
some freedom in speaking. My soul longed for assistance from above,
all the while; for I saw I had no strength for that work. Afterwards I
preached to the Irish people; and several seemed much concerned, with
whom I discoursed afterwards with freedom and power. Blessed be God for
any assistance to an unworthy worm.
Lord’s-day, May 27. I visited my Indians in the morning, and attending
upon a _funeral_ among them, was affected to see their _Heathenish
practices_. O that they might be “turned from darkness to light!”
Afterwards I got a considerable number of them together, and preached
to them; and observed them very attentive. I then preached to the white
people, and several seemed much concerned; especially one who had been
educated a Roman catholic. Blessed be the Lord for any help.
Monday, June 11. This day the _presbytery_ met at Newark, in order
to my _ordination_. I was very weak and disordered in body; yet
endeavoured to repose my confidence in God. At three in the afternoon
I preached my probation-sermon, from Acts xxvi. 17, 18, being a text
given me for that end. Afterwards I passed an examination before the
_presbytery_. My mind was burdened with the greatness of that charge I
was about to take upon me: so that I could not sleep this night, though
very weary and in great need of rest.
Tuesday, June 12. I was this morning further examined, respecting
my experimental acquaintance with Christianity. At ten o’clock
my _ordination_ was attended. I was affected with a sense of the
important trust committed to me; yet was composed, and solemn, without
distraction: and I then (as many times before) gave myself up to God,
to be for him, and not for another. O that I might always ♦be engaged
in the service of God, and duly remember the solemn charge I have
received, in the presence of God, angels, and men.
♦ “he” replaced with “be”