_From the time of his being appointed_ Missionary, _to his
entrance on his mission among the Indians at Kaunaumeek_.
FRIDAY, November 26. I had still a sense of my own vileness, and
endeavoured as much as I could to keep alone. O what a nothing, what
dust and ashes am I!――I enjoyed some comfort in spreading my complaints
before God.
Saturday, November 27. I committed my soul to God with some degree
of comfort; left New-York about nine in the morning; came away with
a distressing sense of my unspeakable unworthiness. Surely I may well
love all my brethren; for none of them all is as vile as I; whatever
they do outwardly, yet it seems to me none is conscious of so much
inward sin. O my leanness, my barrenness, my past bitterness, and want
of a gospel-temper!
Wednesday, December 1. My soul breathed after God in longing desires
of conformity to him: my soul was brought to rest itself, on his
rich grace, and felt strength to do or suffer any thing that divine
Providence should allot me.
[Within the space of the next nine days, he went a journey from Newton
to Haddam, his native town; and after staying there some days returned
again into the western part of Connecticut, and came to Southbury.]
Saturday, December 11. I conversed with a dear friend, to whom I had
thought of giving a liberal education, that he might be fitted for the
gospel ministry. I acquainted him with my thoughts, and left him to
consider of it, till I should see him again. Then I rode to Bethlehem,
to Mr. Bellamy’s lodgings; and spent the evening with him in sweet
conversation and prayer.
Lord’s day, December 12. I felt a distressing need of divine help; I
went to meeting trembling; but it pleased God to assist me in prayer
and sermon: I think, my soul scarce ever penetrated so far into
the immaterial world, nor were my devotions ever so much refined, I
preached with some sweetness, from Matthew vi. 33. Blessed be God,
I have reason to think, that my religion is become more spiritual, by
means of my late inward conflicts. May I always be willing that God
should use his own methods with me!――I felt much of the sweetness of
religion, and the tenderness of the gospel-temper: I found a dear love
to all mankind, and I was afraid of scarcely any thing so much as lest
some motion of anger or resentment should, some time or other, creep
into my heart.
Tuesday, December 21. I rode over to Derby, and preached; it pleased
God to give me sweet assistance, and to enable me to speak with a soft
and tender power and energy.――We had afterwards a comfortable evening
in singing and prayer; God enabled me to pray with as much spirituality
and sweetness as I have done for some time; my mind seemed to be
unclothed of sense and imagination and was in a measure let into the
world of spirits. This day was, I trust made profitable to a number of
us, to advance our souls in holiness and conformity to God: the glory
be to him for ever. Amen. How blessed it is to grow more and more like
God!
Lord’s day, December 26. I felt much sweetness and tenderness in prayer,
my whole soul seemed to love my worst enemies, and I was enabled to
pray for those that are strangers to God with a degree of softness and
pathetic fervour.
Monday, December 27. I enjoyed a precious season; I had a sweet
sense of the pure spirituality of the religion of Christ Jesus. In
the evening I preached with much freedom, power and pungency. O the
tenderness I felt in my soul! Blessed be my God I have seldom enjoyed
a more ♦comfortable and profitable day than this. O that I could spend
all my time for God!
♦ “comforable” replaced with “comfortable”
Friday, January 14, 1742‒3. My spiritual conflicts were unspeakably
dreadful, heavier than the mountains and overflowing floods: I seemed
inclosed as it were, in hell itself: I was deprived of all sense of God,
even of the being of a God; and that was my misery. *This was distress
the nearest a-kin to the damned’s torments that I ever endured: their
torments, I am sure will consist much in the privation of God, and
consequently of all good. This taught me the absolute dependance of a
creature upon the Creator, for every crumb of happiness it enjoys. Oh!
I feel that if there is no God, though I might live for ever here, and
enjoy not only this, but all other worlds, I should be ten thousand
times more miserable than a toad. My soul was in such anguish I could
not eat, but felt as I supposed a poor wretch would, that is just going
to the place of execution. I was almost swallowed up with anguish, when
I saw people gathering together to hear me preach. However, I went to
the house of God, and he was pleased to give me freedom and enlargement,
and I spent the evening comfortably.
*Lord’s day, January 23. I scarce ever felt myself so unfit to exist,
as now: I saw I was not worthy of a place among the Indians, where I
am going; I thought I should be ashamed to look them in the face, and
much more to have any respect shewn me. Indeed I felt myself banished
from the earth, as if all places were too good for such a wretch as I:
I thought I should be ashamed to go among the very savages of Africa;
I appeared to myself a creature fit for nothing, neither heaven nor
earth.――――None knows, but those that feel it, what the soul endures
that is sensibly shut out from the presence of God; alas it is more
bitter than death.
Wednesday, January 26. I preached to a pretty large assembly; insisted
on humility, and stedfastness in keeping God’s commands; and that
through humility we should prefer one another in love. I felt sweetly
calm, and full of brotherly love, never more free from party spirit.
I hope some good will follow, that Christians will be freed from party
zeal and censuring one another.
[On Thursday, after a considerable time spent in prayer and Christian
conversation, he rode to New-London.]
*Friday, January 28. Here I found some carried away with a false
zeal and bitterness. Oh, the want of a gospel-temper is greatly to be
lamented. I spent the evening in conversing with some about some points
of conduct in both ministers and private Christians; but did not agree
with them: God had not _taught them with briars and thorns_ to be of a
kind disposition toward mankind.
Wednesday, February 2. I preached my farewell-sermon, at the house
of an aged man, who had been unable to attend on the public worship
for some time; and this morning spent the time in prayer. Having
taken leave of my friends, I set out on my journey towards the
Indians; though by the way I was to spend some time at East-Hampton
on Long-Island; and being accompanied by a messenger from East-Hampton,
we travelled to Lyme. On the road I felt an uncommon pressure of mind:
I seemed to struggle hard for some pleasure here below, and seemed
loth to give up all; I saw I was throwing myself into all hardships
and distresses: I thought it would be less difficult to lie down in the
grave; but yet I chose to go, rather than stay.――I came to Lyme that
night.
[He waited the two next days for a passage over the sound, and spent
much of the time in inward conflicts.
On Saturday he crossed the Sound, landed on Long-Island, and travelled
to East-Hampton, and the seven following days he spent there, for the
most part, under extreme dejection of mind.]
Lord’s-day, February 13. I was under great discouragement; knew not how
it was possible for me to preach, and was ready to give up all! But God
was pleased to assist me. In the evening, my heart was sweetly drawn
out after God, and devoted to him.
Tuesday, February 15. Early in the day I felt some comfort; afterwards
I walked into a neighbouring grove, and felt more a stranger on earth
than ever; as dead to the enjoyments of the world, as if I had been
dead in a natural sense.――In the evening I had sweetness in secret duty:
God was then my portion, and my soul rose above those _deep waters_,
into which I have sunk so low of late.
Thursday, February 17. I preached this day at a little village; and
God was pleased to give me his gracious assistance, so that I spake
with freedom, boldness, and power. *In the evening, I spent some time
with a dear Christian friend; felt as on the brink of eternity; my
soul enjoyed sweetness in lively apprehensions of standing before
the glorious God: prayed with my dear friend, and discoursed with the
utmost solemnity. And truly it was a little emblem of heaven itself.
Friday, February 18. I felt sweetly most of the day, and found access
to the throne of grace. Blessed be the Lord for any intervals of
composure while I am in the field of battle. O that I might be serious,
solemn, and always vigilant, while in an evil world! O, I long to _live
to God_!
[During the next fortnight, he, for the most part, enjoyed much peace
and comfort. And this space of time was filled up with great diligence
and earnestness in serving God, in study, prayer, meditation, preaching,
and private instructing and counselling.]
*Monday, March 7. This morning when I arose, I found my heart go after
God in longing desires of conformity to him: and in secret prayer I
found myself sweetly drawn out in praises to God for all he had done
to and for me, and for all my inward trials and distresses; my heart
ascribed glory, glory, glory to the blessed God! and bid welcome to
all inward distress again, if God saw meet to exercise me with it: time
appeared but an inch long, and eternity at hand; and I thought I could
with patience and chearfulness bear any thing for the cause of God; for
I saw that a moment would bring me to a world of peace and blessedness;
and my soul, by the strength of the Lord, rose far above this lower
world, and all the vain amusements and frightful disappointments of it.
Lord’s-day, March 13. At noon, I thought it impossible for me to preach,
by reason of bodily weakness and inward deadness; and in the first
prayer, I was so weak that I could hardly stand; but in sermon, God
strengthened me, so that I spake near an hour and half with freedom,
clearness, and tender power, from Genesis v. 24. “And Enoch walked with
God.” I was sweetly assisted to insist on a close _walk with God_, and
to leave this as my parting advice to God’s people here, that _they
should walk with God_. May the God of all grace succeed my poor labours
in this place!
Saturday, March 19. I was distressed under a sense of my ignorance,
darkness, and unworthiness; got alone, and poured out my complaint to
God in the bitterness of my soul.――In the afternoon I rode to Newark,
and had some sweetness in conversation with Mr. Burr, and in praying
together. O blessed be God for ever and ever, for any enlivening and
quickening!
Lord’s-day, March 20. I preached in the forenoon: God gave me some
assistance and sweetness, and enabled me to speak with real tenderness,
love, and impartiality. In the evening, I preached again; and, of
a truth, God was pleased to assist a poor worm. Blessed be God,
I was enabled to speak with life, power, and passionate desire of
the edification of God’s people. *In the evening, I felt something
spiritual and watchful, lest my heart should by any means be drawn
away from God. Oh, when shall I come to that blessed world, where
every power of my soul will be incessantly and eternally wound up,
in heavenly employments and enjoyments, to the highest degree!
[On Monday he went to Woodbridge, where the _correspondents_, instead
of sending him to the Forks of Delaware, ordered him to go to a number
of Indians, at Kaunaumeek, a place in the province of New-York, in the
woods between Stockbridge and Albany. This alteration was occasioned
by two things, 1. Information they had received of some contention now
subsisting between the white people and the Indians at Delaware, which
they supposed would be a hindrance at present to their entertainment of
a missionary, and to his success among them. And, 2. Some intimations
they had received from Mr. Sergeant, missionary to the Indians at
Stockbridge, concerning the Indians at Kaunaumeek, and the prospect of
success that a missionary might have among them.]