_From the time of his being licensed to preach, till he was
appointed_ Missionary _to the_ Indians.
FRIDAY, July 30, 1742. I rode from Danbury to Southbury; preached there
from 1 Peter iv. 6. I had much of the comfortable presence of God in
the exercise: I seemed to have power with God in prayer, and power to
get hold of the hearts of the people.
Lord’s-day, August 8. In the morning I felt comfortably in secret
prayer; my soul was refreshed with the hopes of the Heathens coming to
Christ; I was much resigned to God, and thought it was no matter what
became of _me_.
Thursday, August 12. This morning I was exercised with sore inward
trials: I had no power to pray; but seemed shut out from God, I had in
a great measure lost my hopes of God’s sending me among the Heathen,
and of seeing them flock to Christ. I saw so much of my hellish
vileness, that I appeared worse to myself than any devil: I wondered
that God would let me live, and wondered that people did not stone me,
much more that they would ever hear me preach! It seemed as though I
neither could nor should preach any more: yet about nine or ten o’clock,
the people came, and I was forced to preach. And blessed be God, he
gave me his presence and Spirit: so that I spoke with power from Job
xiv. 14. Some Indians cried out in great distress,¹ and all appeared
greatly concerned.
¹ It was in a place in the western borders of Connecticut,
where there is a number of Indians.
Tuesday, August 17. I was exceedingly depressed in spirit; it cuts and
wounds my heart, to think how much _spiritual pride_, and _warmth of
temper_, I have _formerly_ intermingled with my endeavours to promote
God’s work: and sometimes I long to lie down at the feet of opposers,
and confess what a poor creature I have been, and still am. Oh, the
Lord forgive me, and make me for the future “wise as a serpent, and
harmless as a dove!”
Thursday, August 17. This day, being about to go from Mr. Bellamy’s at
Bethlehem, where I had resided some time, I prayed with him, and two
or three other Christian friends, and we gave ourselves to God with all
our hearts, to be his for ever: eternity looked very near to me. If I
never see them again in this world, it seemed but a few moments before
I should meet them in another.
Friday, August 20. I appeared so vile to myself, that I hardly dared
to think of being seen, especially on account of spiritual pride.
However, to-night I enjoyed a sweet hour alone with God, (at Ripton)
I was lifted up above the frowns and flatteries of this world, had a
sweet relish of heavenly joys, and my soul did as it were get into the
eternal world, and really taste of heaven.
Monday, August 23. I had a sweet season in secret prayer: the Lord
drew near to my soul, and filled me with peace and consolation. My soul
tasted the sweetness of the upper world; and was drawn out in prayer
for the world, that it might come to Christ!
*Monday, August 30. I prayed with a Christian friend or two; and, I
think, scarce ever launched so far into the eternal world; I got so
far out on the broad ocean, that my soul triumphed over all the evils
on the shores of mortality.――――Time, and all its gay amusements and
cruel disappointments, never appeared so inconsiderable to me before; I
saw myself nothing, and my soul reached after God with intense desire.
I knew, I had never lived a moment to him as I should do: indeed it
appeared to me, I had never done any thing in Christianity; my soul
longed with a vehement desire to _live to God_.
Saturday, September 4. God enabled me to wrestle ardently for the
Redeemer’s kingdom; and for my dear brother John, that God would
make him more of a pilgrim and stranger on the earth, and fit him for
singular serviceableness in the world; and my heart sweetly exulted in
the Lord, in the thoughts of any distresses that might light on him or
me, in the advancement of Christ’s kingdom.
*Wednesday, September 8. I felt exceedingly weaned from the world.――In
the afternoon I discoursed on divine things with a Christian friend,
whereby we were both refreshed. Then I prayed, with a sweet sense of
the blessedness of communion with God: I think I scarce ever enjoyed
more of God in any one prayer. I knew not that ever I saw so much of my
own nothingness in my life; never wondered so, that God allowed me to
preach his word: never was so astonished as now.
*Friday, September 10. I longed with intense desire after God; my whole
soul seemed impatient to be conformed to him, and to become “holy, as
he is holy.” In the afternoon, I prayed with a dear friend, and had
the presence of God with us; our souls united together to reach after a
blessed immortality, to be unclothed of the body of sin and death, and
to enter the blessed world, where no unclean thing enters. O with what
intense desire did our souls long for that blessed day that we might be
freed from sin, and for ever live _to_ and _in_ our God!
Thursday, September 16. I enjoyed much of God in secret prayer: felt
an uncommon resignation, to _be_ and _do_ what God pleased. Some days
past, I felt _great perplexity_ on account of my past conduct: _my
bitterness_, and want of Christian kindness and love, has been _very
distressing_ to my soul: the Lord forgive me my _unchristian warmth_,
and want of a spirit of meekness!
Saturday, September 18. I felt compassion for souls, and mourned I
had no more. I feel much more kindness, meekness, gentleness, and love
towards all mankind than ever. I longed to be at the feet of my enemies
and persecutors: enjoyed some sweetness, in feeling my soul conformed
to Christ Jesus, and given away to him for ever.
[Through this, and the two following weeks, he passed through a variety
of exercises: he was frequently dejected, and sometimes sunk into the
depths of melancholy: Not with regard to the favour of God, but about
his own sinful infirmities, and unfitness for God’s service. Though his
mind was extremely depressed with a sense of inexpressible vileness,
yet, in the mean time, he had many seasons of comfort and spiritual
refreshment.]
*Lord’s-day, October 17. I had a sense of my helplessness; especially
when I went to the place of public worship. I found I could not speak
a word for God without his special assistance: I went into the assembly
trembling, under a sense of my insufficiency to do any thing as I ought
to do.――But it pleased God to afford me much assistance, and there
seemed to be a considerable effect on the hearers.――O that I might
be “faithful to the death, fulfilling as an hireling my day,” till
the shades of the evening of life shall free my soul from the toils
of the day! This evening I felt such longing desires after deliverance
from sin, and conformity to God, as melted my heart. Oh, I longed to be
“delivered from this body of death!” to be conformed to God entirely,
fully, and for ever.――I scarce ever preach without being first visited
with inward conflicts and sore trials. Blessed be the Lord for these
trials and distresses, as they are blessed for my humbling.
Monday, October 18. I felt some sweetness, but was still pressed
through trials of soul. My life is a constant mixture of consolations
and conflicts, and will be so till I arrive at the world of spirits.
Tuesday, October 19. This morning and last night, felt a sweet longing
in my soul after holiness: my soul seemed so to reach and stretch
towards the mark of perfect sanctity, that it was ready to break with
longings.
*Thursday, October 21. I had a very deep sense of the vanity of the
world, and had little more regard to it, than if I had been to go into
eternity the next hour. Through divine goodness, I felt very serious
and solemn. O, I love to live on the brink of eternity! This gives me
a sweet, awful, and reverential sense of God and divine things, when I
see myself as it were _standing before the judgment seat of Christ_.
*Friday, October 22. I was uncommonly weaned from the world: my
soul delighted to be a _stranger and a pilgrim on the earth_; I felt
a disposition never to have any thing to do with this world: the
character given of some of the antient people of God, in Hebrews xi. 13.
was very pleasing to me, “they confessed that they were pilgrims and
strangers on the earth,” and O that I could always do so!――It is sweet
to be thus weaned from friends, and from myself, and dead to the world,
that I may live wholly _to_ and _upon_ the blessed God.
Monday, October 26. [At Turky-Hills] In the evening I enjoyed the
divine presence: it was a sweet and comfortable season: my soul _longed
for God, for the living God_: enjoyed a sweet solemnity of spirit, and
longing desire after the recovery of the divine image: “Then shall I be
satisfied, when I shall awake in God’s likeness,” and never before.
Tuesday, October 27. [At West-Suffield] I underwent the most dreadful
distresses, under a sense of my own unworthiness: it seemed to me, I
deserved rather to be driven out of the place, than to have any body to
come to hear me preach. And verily my spirits were so depressed, that
it was impossible I should treat immortal souls with faithfulness: I
could not deal closely and faithfully with them, I felt so infinitely
vile in myself. Oh, what _dust and ashes_ I am, to think of preaching
the gospel to others! Indeed I never can be faithful for one moment,
but shall certainly “daub with untempered mortar,” if God do not grant
me special help.――In the evening, I went to the meeting-house, and it
looked to me near as easy for one to rise out of the grave and preach,
as for me. However God was pleased to lift me up and enable me to
preach. O the wonderful goodness of God to so vile a sinner!
Wednesday, October 28. I was not a little concerned about preaching in
the afternoon: felt exceedingly _without strength_, went into the house,
ashamed to see any come to hear such an unspeakably worthless wretch.
However God enabled me to speak with clearness, power, and pungency.
Thursday, November 4. [At Lebanon] I was concerned that I had no
more sense of my insufficiency and unworthiness. O it is sweet _lying
in the dust_! But it is distressing to feel in my soul that hell of
corruption.――In the afternoon I had a sense of the sweetness of a
strict, close, and constant devotedness to God, and felt a pleasing
yet painful concern, lest I should spend some moments _without God_.
O may I always _live to God_!――In the evening I felt an intense desire
to spend every moment for God.――God is unspeakably gracious to me
continually: in times past, he has given me inexpressible sweetness
in the performance of duty; frequently my soul has enjoyed much of
God; but has been ready to say, “Lord, it is good to be here;” and
so to indulge sloth. But of late God has been pleased to keep my soul
_hungry_, almost continually; so that I have been filled with a kind
of pleasing pain. When I really enjoy God, I feel my desires of him the
more insatiable, and my thirstings after holiness the more unquenchable;
and the Lord will not allow me to feel as though I were fully supplied
and satisfied, but keeps me still reaching forward; and I feel barren
and empty, as though I could not live, without more of God in me; I
feel ashamed and guilty _before God_. Oh! I see, “the law is spiritual,
but I am carnal.” I do not, I cannot live to God. Oh for holiness! Oh
for more of God in my soul! Oh this pleasing pain! It makes my soul
press after God; the language of it is, “Then shall I be satisfied,
when I awake in God’s likeness,” (_Psalms xxvii. ultima_) but never,
never before: and consequently I am engaged to “press towards the
mark,” day by day. O that I may feel this continual hunger, and not
be retarded, but rather be animated by every cluster from Canaan, to
reach forward in the narrow way, for the full enjoyment of the heavenly
inheritance! O that I may never loiter in my heavenly journey.
Lord’s day, November 7, it seemed as if such an unholy wretch as I
never could arrive at that blessedness, to be “holy, as God is holy.”
At noon I longed for sanctification, and conformity to God. Oh, that
is THE ALL, THE ALL! The Lord help me to _press after God_ for ever.
Monday, November 18. I longed for an arrival in the _heavenly country_,
the blessed paradise of God. Through divine goodness, I have scarce
seen the day, for two months, but _death_ has looked so pleasant to
me, that I could have rejoiced the _present_ should be my _last_; and
I trust that I shall be able to say, “O death, where is thy sting!” and,
“O grave, where is thy victory!”
Friday, November 19. [At New-Haven] I received a letter from the Rev.
Mr. Pemberton of New-York, desiring me speedily to go down thither, and
consult about the Indian affairs, and to meet certain gentlemen there
that were intrusted with them. I retired with two or three friends, and
prayed; and was enabled to leave myself and all my concerns with God.
Wednesday, November 24. I came to New-York; felt still much concerned
about the importance of my business; put up many earnest requests to
God; was confused with the noise and tumult of the city; enjoyed but
little time alone with God; but my soul longed after him.
Thursday, November 25. I spent much time in prayer and supplication:
was examined by some gentlemen of my Christian experience, and my
acquaintance with divinity, and some other studies, in order to my
improvement in that important affair of gospellizing the Heathen¹: was
made sensible of my great ignorance and unfitness for public service:
*I had the most abasing thoughts of myself, I think, that ever I had:
I thought myself the worst wretch that ever lived: it pained my heart,
that any body should shew me any respect. Alas! I thought, how sadly
they are deceived in me! how miserably would they be disappointed, if
they knew my inside! Oh my heart!――And in this depressed condition,
I was forced to go and preach to a considerable assembly, before some
grave and learned ministers; but I felt such a pressure from a sense of
my vileness, ignorance, and unfitness to appear in public, that I was
almost overcome with it: my soul was grieved for the congregation, that
they should sit there to hear such a _dead dog_ as I preach; I thought
myself infinitely indebted to the people, and longed that God would
reward them with his grace.
¹ These gentlemen that examined Mr. Brainerd, were the
correspondents in New-York, New-Jersey, and Pensylvania, of
the honourable society in Scotland for propagating Christian
knowledge; to whom was committed the management of their
affairs in those parts, and who were now met at New-York.