_From the time that he began to devote himself to the_ study
of divinity, _till he was examined and licensed to_ preach.
[MR. Brainerd, the spring after his expulsion, went to live with the
Rev. Mr. Mills, of Ripton, to follow his studies with him, in order to
his being fitted for the ministry; where he spent the greater part of
the time till licensed to preach.]――The following account is in his own
words.
Thursday, April 1, 1742. I seem to be declining with respect to my
life and warmth in divine things; O that God would humble me deeply in
the dust! I deserve hell every day, for not loving my Lord more, “who
has loved me, and given himself for me;” and every time I am enabled
to exercise any grace, I am indebted to the God of all grace for it.
“Where then is boasting?” Surely “it is excluded,” since we depend on
God for the being and every act of grace.
*Friday, April 2. I felt myself much resigned, calm, and serene.
What are all the storms of this lower world, if _Jesus_ does but come
_♦walking on the seas_!――Some time past, I had much pleasure in the
prospect of the Heathen’s being brought home to Christ, and desired
that the Lord would employ _me_ in that work;――but now my soul more
frequently desires to die, _to be with Christ_. O that my soul were
wrapt up in love, and my longing after God increased!
♦ “walk-on” replaced with “walking on”
Saturday, April 3. I thought, if God would take me to himself, my soul
would exceedingly rejoice. O that I may be always humble and resigned
to God, and that God would fix my soul on himself, that I may be more
fitted both for doing and suffering!
*Lord’s-day, April 4. O my blessed God! Let me climb up near to him,
and love, and long, and plead, and wrestle, and reach, and stretch
after him, and for deliverance from the body of sin and death.――Alas!
my soul mourned to think I should ever lose sight of its Beloved again.
“O come, Lord Jesus, Amen.”
*Tuesday, April 6. I cried to God to wash my soul, and cleanse me from
my exceeding filthiness.――And I could think of undergoing the greatest
sufferings, with pleasure; and found myself willing (if God should so
order it) to suffer banishment from my native land, among the Heathen,
that I might do something for their salvation, in distresses and deaths
of any kind.――Then God gave me to wrestle earnestly for others, for the
kingdom of Christ in the world, and for my dear Christian friends.――I
felt myself weaned from the world, and from my own reputation,
willing to be despised, and to be a gazing-stock for the world.――It is
impossible for me to express what I then felt: I had not much joy, but
a sense of the majesty of God, which made me tremble; I saw myself mean
and vile, which made me more willing that God should do what he would
with me; it was all infinitely reasonable.
Thursday, April 8. I had hopes respecting the Heathen. O that God
would bring in numbers of them to Christ! I cannot but hope I shall see
that glorious day.――Every thing in this world seems exceeding vile and
little to me: I look so myself.
Saturday, April 10. I spent much time in secret this morning, and not
without some comfort; but am so low, and feel so little of the presence
of God, that I hardly know what to call faith, and am made to “possess
the sins of my youth,” and the dreadful sin of my nature, and am all
sin. Yet I feel some faint hopes, that God will, of his infinite mercy,
return.
Lord’s-day, April 11. I had sweetness in the thoughts of arriving at
the heavenly world. O for the happy day!――After public worship God gave
me special assistance in prayer; I wrestled with my dear Lord with much
sweetness; and intercession was a sweet and delightful employment.――In
the evening, as I was viewing the lights in the north, I was delighted
in contemplation on the glorious morning of the resurrection.
*Monday, April 12. This morning the Lord was pleased to lift up the
light of his countenance upon me in secret prayer, and made the season
very precious to my soul. I felt myself exceeding calm, and quite
resigned to God, respecting my future employment: my faith lifted me
above the world, and removed all those mountains, that I could not look
over of late: I wanted not the favour of men to lean upon; for I knew
Christ’s favour was infinitely better, and that it was no matter _when_,
nor _where_, nor _how_ Christ should send me, nor what trials he should
exercise me with, if I might be prepared for his work and will. I now
found sweetly revived in my mind the wonderful discovery of infinite
wisdom in all the dispensations of God towards me, which I had a little
before I met with my great trial at college; every thing appeared full
of the wisdom of God.
Wednesday, April 14. My soul longed for communion with Christ, and for
the mortification of indwelling corruption, especially spiritual pride.
O there is a sweet day coming, wherein “the weary will be at rest!”
My soul has enjoyed much sweetness this day in the hopes of its speedy
arrival.
Thursday, April 15. My desires centered in God, and I found a sensible
attraction of soul after him: _I long for God_, and a conformity to his
will, in inward holiness, ten thousand times more than for any thing
here below.
Lord’s-day, April 18. I retired early this morning in the woods; and
was enabled to plead with fervency for the advancement of Christ’s
kingdom.――At night I saw myself infinitely indebted to God, and had a
view of my short comings: it seemed to me, that I had done nothing for
God, and that I had _lived to him_ but a few hours of my life.
*Monday, April 19. I set apart this day for fasting and prayer to God
for his grace, to prepare me for the work of the ministry, and in his
own time to send me into his harvest. I felt a power of intercession
for the advancement of the kingdom of my dear Lord; and withal, a
sweet resignation, and even joy in the thoughts of suffering hardships,
distresses, yea death itself, in the promotion of it. In the afternoon,
“God was with me of a truth.” O it was blessed company indeed! God
enabled me so to agonize in prayer, that I was quite wet with sweat,
tho’ in the shade. My soul was drawn out very much for the world; I
grasped for multitudes of souls. I had more enlargement for sinners,
than for the children of God; though I felt as if I could spend my life
in cries for both. I never felt such an entire weanedness from this
world, and so much resigned to God in every thing.――O that I may always
live _to_ and _upon_ my blessed God!
Tuesday, April 20. This day I am twenty-four years of age. O how
much mercy have I received the year past! How often has God “caused
his goodness to pass before me!” And how poorly have I answered the
vows I made this time twelvemonth, to be wholly the Lord’s, to be
for ever devoted to his service! The Lord help me to live more to his
glory.――――This has been a sweet day to me: blessed be God. I think
my soul was never so drawn out in intercession for _others_. I had a
fervent wrestle with the Lord for my _enemies_; and I hardly ever so
longed to _live to God_, and to be altogether devoted to him.
Lord’s day, April 25. This morning I spent about two hours in secret,
and was enabled more than ordinarily to agonize for immortal souls;
though it was early in the morning, and the sun scarcely shined at all,
yet my body was quite wet with sweat. I felt myself much pressed, as
frequently of late, to plead for the meekness and calmness of the Lamb
of God. O it is a sweet disposition, heartily to forgive all injuries,
to wish our greatest enemies as well as we do our own souls! Blessed
Jesus, may I daily be more and more conformed to thee! At night I was
exceedingly melted with divine love, and had a sense of the blessedness
of the upper world. Those words hung upon me with much sweetness,
Psalms lxxxiv. 7. “They go from strength to strength, every one of
them in Zion appeareth before God.” O the _near access_ that God
sometimes gives us in our addresses to him! This may well be termed
_appearing before God_; it is so indeed, in the true spiritual sense.
I longed for the coming of my dear Lord; I longed to join the angelic
hosts in praises, wholly free from imperfection. O the blessed moment
hastens! All I want is to be more holy, more like my dear Lord. O for
sanctification! My very soul pants for the compleat restoration of
the blessed image of my Saviour; that I may be fit for the blessed
enjoyments and employments of the heavenly world.
Monday, April 26. I continued in a sweet frame of mind. God was pleased
to make it a humbling season. My soul exceedingly longs for that
blessed state of perfection, of deliverance from all sin!――――At night
God enabled me to give my soul up to him, to cast myself upon him, to
be disposed of according to his sovereign pleasure; and I enjoyed great
peace and consolation in so doing. My soul took sweet delight in God:
my thoughts freely and sweetly centered in him. O that I could spend
every moment of my life to his glory!
*Tuesday, April 27. I retired and God was pleased to pour such
ineffable comforts into my soul, that I could do nothing for sometime
but say over and over, “O my sweet Saviour! O my sweet Saviour! Whom
have I in heaven but thee? And there is none upon earth that I desire
beside thee.” If I had a thousand lives, my soul would gladly have laid
them all down, to have been with Christ. My soul never enjoyed so much
of heaven before; it was the most refined communion with God I ever
felt: I never before felt so great a degree of resignation.
*Wednesday, April 28. I withdrew to my usual place of retirement, and
spent about two hours in secret. I felt much as I did yesterday morning,
only weaker and more overcome. I seemed to hang wholly on my dear
Lord; wholly weaned from all other dependencies. I knew not what to
say to my God, but only _lean on his bosom_, as it were, and breathe
out my desires after perfect conformity to him in all things. Thirsting
desires and insatiable longings, possessed my soul after perfect
holiness; God was so precious to my soul, that the world with all its
enjoyments was infinitely vile; I had no more value for the favour
of men, than for pebbles: the Lord was my all; and he over ruled all;
which greatly delighted me. I think my faith and dependance on God
scarce ever rose so high. I saw him such a fountain of goodness, that
it seemed impossible I should distrust him again, or be any way anxious
about any thing that should happen to me.――――In the evening my heart
seemed sweetly to melt, and was humbled for indwelling corruption, and
I mourned like a dove. I felt that all my unhappiness arose from my
being a sinner; for with resignation I could welcome all other trials;
but sin hung heavy upon me: for God discovered to me the corruption
of my heart; so that I went to bed with a heavy heart, because I was a
sinner: though I did not in the least doubt of God’s love. O that God
would “purge away all my dross, and take away my ♦tin.”
♦ “sin” replaced with “tin” per Errata
Friday, April 30. Nothing grieves me so much as that I cannot live
constantly to God’s glory. I could bear any spiritual conflicts, if
I could but have _my heart_ all the while burning with love to God;
for when I _feel_ this I cannot be dejected, but only _rejoice in
my Saviour_, who has delivered me from the reigning power, and will
shortly deliver me from the indwelling of sin.
Lord’s-day, May 2. God was pleased to give me such a sight of myself,
as made me appear vile in my own eyes: I felt corruption in my heart,
which I could by no means suppress; I was exceeding weak, and almost
sick with my inward trials.
Lord’s-day, May 9. I never felt so much of the cursed pride of my heart,
as well as the stubbornness of my will before. O what a wretch I am!
I could not submit to be nothing, and to lie down in the dust. Oh that
God would humble me! I felt myself such a sinner, all day, that I had
scarce any comfort. Oh when shall I be “delivered from the body of
this death!” I greatly feared, lest through stupidity I should lose the
benefit of these trials. O that they might be sanctified to my soul!
Nothing seemed to touch me but this, that I was a sinner.
Thursday, May 13. I saw so much of the wickedness of my heart, that
I longed to get away from myself. I never before thought there was so
much spiritual pride in my soul: I was almost pressed to death with my
vileness. Oh what _a body of death_ is there in me! _Lord, deliver my
soul._ O the closest walk with God is the sweetest heaven that can be
enjoyed on earth!
Friday, May 14. I waited on a council of ministers, and spread before
them the treatment I had met with at Yale-college; who thought it
adviseable to intercede for me with the rector and trustees, and to
intreat them to restore me to my former privileges.¹
¹ The application which was then made on his behalf, had not
the desired success.
Saturday, June 12. I spent much time in prayer this morning, and
enjoyed much sweetness.――Felt insatiable longings after God: I wondered
how poor souls do to live, that have _no God_.――The world, with all
its enjoyments, quite vanished. I see myself very helpless: but I have
a blessed God to go to. I longed exceedingly “to be dissolved, and to
be with Christ, to behold his glory.” Oh, my weak weary soul longs to
arrive at _my Father’s house_!
Monday, June 14. I felt something of the sweetness of communion with
God, and the _constraining_ force of _his love_:――I set apart this day
for fasting and prayer, to intreat God to bless me with regard to the
great work of _preaching the gospel_. Just at night, the Lord visited
me marvellously in prayer: I think my soul never was in such an agony
before: I felt no restraint; for the treasures of divine grace were
opened to me; I wrestled for my absent friends, for the ingathering of
souls, for multitudes of poor souls, and for many that I thought were
the children of God, personally, in many distant places. I was in such
an agony, till near dark, that I was all over wet with sweat: but yet
it seemed to me that I had wasted away the day, and had done nothing.
Oh, my dear Jesus did _sweat blood_ for poor souls! I longed for more
compassion towards them.
Tuesday, June 15. I had the most ardent longings after God, that I
ever felt in my life: at noon, in secret, I could do nothing but tell
my dear Lord, that he knew I longed for nothing but _himself_, nothing
but _holiness_; that _he_ had given me these desires, and he _only_
could give me the thing desired. I never seemed to be so unhinged from
myself, and to be so wholly devoted to God. My heart was swallowed up
in God most of the day. In the evening I had such a view of the soul’s
being enlarged, to contain more holiness; that my soul seemed ready
to separate from my body, to obtain it. I then wrestled in an agony
for divine blessings; and had my heart drawn out in prayer for some
Christian friends, beyond what I ever had before.――I feel differently
now from whatever I did under any sweet enjoyments before; more engaged
to _live to God_ for ever. Oh how short do I fall of my duty in my
sweetest moments!
Friday, June 18. Considering my great unfitness for the _ministry_, I
set apart this day for prayer to God, and found God graciously near;
once in particular, while I was pleading for more compassion for
immortal souls, my _heart_ seemed to be _opened_ at once, and I was
enabled to cry with great ardency.
*Oh, I was distressed, to think, that I should offer such dead cold
services to the _living God_! My soul seemed to breathe after holiness,
a life of constant devotedness to God. But I am almost lost sometimes
in the pursuit of this blessedness, and ready to sink, because I
continually fall short. O that the Lord would help me to hold out,
yet a little while, till the happy hour of deliverance comes!
Lord’s-day, June 20. I spent much time alone. My soul longed to be
holy, and reached after God; I _hungered_ and _thirsted_; but was not
satisfied. My soul hung on God, as my only portion. O that I could grow
in grace more abundantly every day!
Tuesday, June 22. I was sweetly composed and resigned to God’s will;
enabled to leave myself and all my concerns with him, and to have my
whole dependence upon him: my secret retirement was very refreshing. It
appeared such a happiness to have God for my portion, that I had rather
be any other creature in this lower creation, than not to come to the
enjoyment of God: I had rather be a beast, than a man, without God, if
I were to live here to eternity. Lord endear thyself more to me!
Wednesday, June 30. Spent this day alone in the woods, in fasting and
prayer; underwent the most dreadful conflicts in my soul, that ever
I felt; I saw myself so vile, that I was ready to say, “I shall now
perish by the hand of Saul.” I almost concluded, I had no power to
stand for the cause of God, but was “afraid of the shaking of a leaf.”
Spent almost the whole day in prayer. I could not bear to think of
Christians shewing me any respect. I almost despaired of doing any
service in the world; I could not feel any hope respecting the Heathen,
which used to afford me some refreshment in the darkest hours. I spent
the day _in the bitterness of my soul_. Near night I enjoyed some
sweetness in prayer.
Saturday, July 3. My heart seemed again to sink. The disgrace I was
laid under at college seemed to damp me, as it opens the mouths of
opposers. I had no refuge but in God. Blessed be his name, that I may
go to _him_ at all times, and find him a _present help_.
Lord’s-day, July 4. I withdrew, and enjoyed a happy season in secret:
God was pleased to give me the exercise of faith, and thereby brought
the invisible and eternal world near to my soul. I hoped, that my weary
_pilgrimage_ would be _short_; that it would not be long before I was
brought to my Father’s house: but I was sweetly resigned to God’s will,
to tarry his time, to do his work, and suffer his pleasure. I felt
pleased, to be _little_, to be _nothing_, and to _lie in the dust_. I
enjoyed life and sweet consolation in pleading for the dear children
of God, and the kingdom of Christ in the world: and my soul earnestly
breathed after holiness, and the enjoyment of God. “O come, Lord Jesus!
come quickly Amen.”
Monday, July 19. My desires are carried out after weanedness from
the _world_, perfect deadness to it, and to be _crucified_ to all its
allurements. My soul longs to feel itself a _pilgrim_ and _stranger_
here below; that nothing may divert me from pressing through the lonely
desert, till I arrive at my Father’s house.
*Thursday, July 22. Journeying from Southbury to Ripton, I called at
a house, where being kindly entertained, I was filled with amazement
and shame, that God should stir up the hearts of any to shew so much
kindness to such a _dead dog_ as I; and was sensible, how exceeding
vile it is, not to be wholly devoted to God. I wondered, that God would
suffer any of his creatures to feed and sustain me from time to time.
Thursday, July 29. I was examined by the association met at Danbury,
as to my learning, and experiences in religion, and received a licence
from them to preach the gospel of Christ. Afterwards I felt much
devoted to God: joined in prayer with one of the ministers; and went to
bed resolving to live devoted to God all my days.