=Swell= (_doesn't care for music himself_). "MY DEAR, IS
THIS--AH--(_yawns_)--TE-DIUM OVAR?"!!
Illustration: A Cool Card.
=Swell= (_handing "Sporting Life" to Clerical Party_). "AW--WOULD
YOU--AW--DO ME THE FAVOUR TO WEAD THE LIST OF THE WACES TO ME WHILE
WE'RE WUNNING DOWN?--I'VE--AW--FORGOTTEN MY EYEGLASS. DON'T MIND WAISING
YOUR VOICE--I'M PWECIOUS DEAF!"
Illustration: "Relapse."
=Squire.= "WHY, PAT, WHAT ARE YOU DOING, STANDING BY THE WALL OF THE
PUBLIC-HOUSE? I THOUGHT YOU WERE A TEETOTALLER!"
=Pat.= "YES, YER HONNOR. I'M JUST LISTENIN' TO THEM IMPENITENT BOYS
DRINKING INSIDE!"
Illustration: "_In Confidence._"
=Hungry Customer.= "'TAINT BAD."
=Chef.= "GLAD YOU LIKE IT; FOR, TO TELL YER THE TRUTH, A'THOUGH I'VE BEEN
A MAKIN' O' THIS SOUP FOR FIFTEEN YEAR, I AIN'T NEVER TASTED IT
MYSELF!!"
Illustration: "_The Struggle for Existence._"
=Darwinian Coster= (_to thrifty Housewife_). "WELL, FISH IS DEAR, MUM; YOU
SEE IT'S A-GETTIN' WERY SCA'CE IN CONSEKENCE O' THESE 'ERE AQUERIUNS!"
Illustration: _A Satisfactory Character._
Mrs. Brisket (_about the Squire's new Bride_). "OH, YES, MUM, SHE COME
IN 'ERE YESTERDAY, MUM. BLESS YER! A PUFFECT LADY. MUM! DON'T KNOW ONE
J'INT O' MEAT FROM ANOTHER, MUM!!"
Illustration: _Hard Up on a Wet Day._
=Richard.= "WHAT ARE YOU RINGING FOR, BOB?"
=Robert.= "THE BEEF!"
=Richard.= "YOU'RE NEVER GOING TO EAT BEEF AGAIN, BOB, ARE YOU? WHY IT
ISN'T HALF-AN-HOUR SINCE BREAKFAST!"
=Robert.= "WELL, I'M NOT EXACTLY HUNGRY, BUT ONE MUST DO SOMETHING!"
Illustration: _Incombinable Elements._
=First Medical Student.= "WHAT ARE YOU SIGHING FOR, JACK?"
Second Ditto. "UGH! I WAS THINKING OF THAT INFERNAL CHEMISTRY CRAM
TO-MORROW, AND WHAT A DEUCED PRETTY GIRL I SAW IN GOWER STREET JUST
NOW!!"
Illustration: A Desperate Case!
=First Driver.= "HOW'S POOR BOB?"
=Second Driver.= "OH, HE'S A GOOD DEAL BETTER--TAKES HIS _LOTIONS_ MORE
REG'LAR----"
=First Driver= (_reassured_). "AH!"
Illustration: "Bon Voyage!"
=Bus-Conductor= (_to Portly Female, who was indignant at having been
carried a little beyond her destination_). "WELL, THERE Y'ARE, MUM, FUST
TO YER LEFT. Y'AINT GOT SO VERY FAR TO GO, AND THE _WIND'S AT YER
BACK_!!"
Illustration: _Personal!_
=Driver= (_impatient_). "NOW THEN, BILL!"
=Conductor.= "O, LOOK ALIVE, PLEASE, M'M! (_To the Driver._) CAN'T HELP
IT! ALL IN THE 'ANTIQUE' LINE THIS MORNIN'! 'ERE'S THREE MORE ON 'EM!"
_"'Antique,' indeed! Odious Wretch!" thought one of the parties alluded
to._
Illustration: "_The Conscience Clause_"
=Rector's Wife.= "AND WHAT'S YOUR FATHER, MY BOY?"
=Boy.= "MY FATHER'S A 'HAGITATOR,' AN' HE SAYS HE WON'T HAVE ME LEARNT NO
CATECHISM, 'R ELSE YOU'LL ALL OF YER EAR OV IT!"
Illustration: _Education._
=Squire.= "HOBSON, THEY TELL ME YOU'VE TAKEN YOUR BOY AWAY FROM THE
NATIONAL SCHOOL. WHAT'S THAT FOR?"
=Villager.= "'CAUSE THE MASTER AIN'T FIT TO TEACH UN!"
=Squire.= "O, I'VE HEARD HE'S A VERY GOOD MASTER."
=Villager.= "WELL, ALL I KNOWS IS, HE WANTED TO TEACH MY BOY TO SPELL
'TATERS' WITH A 'P'!!!"
Illustration: "Exempli Gratia."
=Ancient Mariner= (_to credulous Yachtsman_). "A'MIRAL LORD NELSON! BLESS
YER, I KNOWED HIM; SERVED UNDER HIM. MANY'S THE TIME I'VE AS'ED HIM FOR
A BIT O' 'BACCO, AS I MIGHT BE A ASTIN' O' YOU; AND SAYS HE, 'WELL, I
'AIN'T GOT NO 'BACCO,' JEST AS YOU MIGHT SAY TO ME; 'BUT HERE'S A
SHILLIN' FOR YER,' SAYS HE"!!
Illustration: Dignity.
=Shipping Clerk.= "ARE YOU THE MATE O' THE '_MAGGIE LAUDER_,' OF
STONEHAVEN?"
=Mate= (_sternly_). "ASK IF I'M THE FIR-R-R-ST OFFICER, YOUNG MAN, AN'
MAYBE I'LL GIE YE AN ANSWER!"
Illustration: _A Woman-Hater._
=Spiteful Old Party= (_who is tarring the Stays of the Flagstaff_).
"STRIPED GOWNDS SEEM ALL THE 'GO' WITH 'EM, EH? (_Chuckles._) I'LL
STRIPE 'EM! PUT A EXTRA STREAK O' ILE IN, O' PURPOSE--WON'T DRY FOR A
MONTH! COME LOLLOPIN' ABOUT HERE WITH THEIR CRIN'LYNES AN' TR'INES, THEY
MUST TAKE THE CONSEKENSES!!"
Illustration: _When You are About it._
=Magister Familias= (_parting with his Butler_). "HERE IS THE LETTER,
FLANAGAN. I CAN CONSCIENTIOUSLY SAY YOU ARE HONEST AND ATTENTIVE, BUT I
SHOULD HAVE TO STRETCH A POINT IF I WERE TO SAY YOU ARE SOBER."
=Mr. Flanagan.= "THANK YOU, SOR. BUT WHEN YOU _ARE_ AFTHER STHRITCHIN' A
POINT, SOR, WOULDN'T YOU, PLASE, STHRITCH IT A LITTLE FURTHER, AND SAY
I'M _AFTEN_ SOBER!!"
Illustration: _Sympathy._
=Epicurus.= "PAH! O, GOOD GRACIOUS, MIVINS, THAT LAST OYSTER WAS--UGH!"
=Butler= (_with feeling_). "T-T-T-T--DEAR ME! CORKED, SIR?!!"
Illustration: _The Run of the House._
=First Flunkey.= "WON'T YOU COME IN, JOHN, AND TAKE SOMETHING?"
=Second Ditto.= "THANKS, NO; I'LL LOOK YOU UP NEXT WEEK. 'BE ON
BOARD-WAGES THEN, YOU KNOW!"
Illustration: "_What Next?_"
=Mistress= (_to New Housemaid_). "JANE, I'M QUITE SURPRISED TO HEAR YOU
CAN'T READ OR WRITE! I'M SURE ONE OF MY DAUGHTERS WOULD GLADLY UNDERTAKE
TO TEACH YOU----"
=Maid.= "O, LOR', MUM, IF THE YOUNG LADIES WOULD BE SO KIND AS TO LEARN ME
ANYTHING, I SHOULD SO LIKE TO PLAY THE PIANNER."!!
Illustration: "_The Servants._"
=Cook.= "YES, SUSAN, I'M A WRITIN' TO MARY HANN MIGGS. SHE'VE APPLIED TO
ME FOR THE CHARICTER OF MY LAST MISSUS, WHICH SHE'S THINKIN' OF TAKIN'
THE SITIWATION----" =Susan.= "WILL YOU GIVE HER ONE?"
=Cook.= "WELL, I'VE SAID THIS. (_Reads._) 'MRS. PERKSITS PRESENTS HER
COMPLIMINKS TO MISS MIGGS, AND BEGS TO INFORM HER THAT I CONSIDER MRS.
BROWN A RESPEK'ABLE YOUNG PERSON, AND ONE AS KNOWS HER DOOTIES; BUT SHE
CAN'T CONSHESALY RECOMMEND HER TEMPER, WHICH I HAD TO PART WITH HER ON
THAT ACCOUNT.' IT'S ALLUS BEST TO BE CANDIED, YOU KNOW, SUSAN!"
Illustration: _Quite Superfluous._
=Stout Passenger= (_obstreperously_). "HOY! HOY! HOY!!"
=Bus-Driver.= "ALL RIGHT, SIR, WE CAN SEE YER, SIR; WE CAN SEE YER VITH
THE NAKED EYE, SIR!"
Illustration: "_Noblesse Oblige._"
=Stodge= (_in answer to the reproachful look of his Cabman_). "WELL, IT'S
YOUR RIGHT FARE; YOU KNOW THAT AS WELL AS I DO!"
=Cabby.= "OH! WHICH I'M WELL AWARE O' THAT, SIR! BUT----("_more in sorrow
than in anger_")--AN' YOU A ARTIS', SIR!!"
_Gets another Shilling!_
Illustration: _The Beard Movement._
=Policeman= (_invidiously_). "IT'S PUFFECTLY HOPTIONAL VITH US, YOU KNOW!"
(_"The Hairs them P'licemen give theirselves," John remarked afterwards,
in the Servants' Hall._)
Illustration: _Too Late._
=Departing Guest.= "BUT MY HAT WAS A BRAN-NEW ONE!"
=Greengrocer= (_Footman for the nonce_). "OH, SIR! THE SECOND-BEST 'ATS A'
BEEN GONE 'ALF-AN-HOUR AGO, SIR!"
Illustration: _Music in the Midlands._
=Intelligent Youth of Country Town.= "AH SAY, BILL, ULL THAT BE T' ELIJAH
GOIN' OOP I' THAT BIG BOX?!"
Illustration: _A Perfect Excuse._
=Rector= (_to his Keeper_). "'MORNING, WOODGATE. DIDN'T I SEE YOU AT
CHURCH YESTERDAY?"
=Keeper= (_apologetically_). "YES, SIR. BUT--I FELT I WAS A DOIN' WRONG
ALL THE TIME, SIR!"
Illustration: "_Fahrenheit._"
=Rector.= "AH, WE SHALL BE COMFORTABLE THIS MORNING, GRUFFLES, I SEE
YOU'VE GOT THE TEMPERATURE UP NICELY. SIXTY, I DECLARE!"
=Clerk.= "YES, SIR, I ALLUS HEV A TROUBLE TO GET THAT THING UP. I TOOK AND
WARMED IT JEST THIS MINUTE!"
Illustration: _Pleasuring!_
=Vicar= (_to Old Lady, who is returning from a Funeral_). "WELL, MARTHA,
I'M AFRAID YOU'VE HAD A SAD AFTERNOON. IT HAS BEEN A LONG WALK, TOO, FOR
YOU----"
=Martha.= "SURE-LY, 'TIS, SIR! AH, SIR, 'TAIN'T MUCH PLEASURE NOW FOR ME
TO GO TO FUNERALS; I BE TOO OLD AND FULL O' RHEUMATIZ. IT WAS VERY
DIFFERENT WHEN WE WAS YOUNG--THAT 'TWER!!"
Illustration: _Awkward!_
FLITHERS SPENDS HIS CHRISTMAS AT A COUNTRY HOUSE, AND THE FIRST DAY, ON
THE LADIES LEAVING THE TABLE AFTER DINNER, HE JUMPS UP, AND OPENS THE
_WRONG DOOR_!!
Illustration: _He Thought He was Safe_
=Irascible Old Gentleman.= "BUY A COMB! WHAT THE DEVIL SHOULD I BUY A COMB
FOR! YOU DON'T SEE ANY HAIR ON MY HEAD, DO YOU?"
=Unlicensed Hawker.= "LOR' BLESS YER, SIR!--YER DON'T WANT NO 'AIR ON YER
'EAD FOR A TOOTH-COMB!!"
Illustration: _Hygiene._
=Hearty Old Gentleman= (_to dyspeptic Friend_). "DOESN'T AGREE WITH YOU?!
OH, I NEVER LET ANYTHING OF THAT SORT BOTHER ME! I ALWAYS EAT WHAT I
LIKE, AND DRINK WHAT I LIKE, AND FINISH OFF WITH A GOOD STIFF GLASS O'
GROG AT BED-TIME, AND GO FAST ASLEEP, _AN' LET 'M FIGHT 'T OUT 'MONG
'MSELVES_!!!"
Illustration: _Considerate Criticism._
=Rustic= (_to his friend_). "WA--AT, THA'S BETTER THAN DOIN' O' NAWTH'N'.
I S'POOS', GEARGE!!"
Illustration: "_The Finishing Touch!_"
=Farmer= (_who has been most Obliging, and taken great Interest in the
Picture_). "GOOD MORN'N', SIR! BUT--(_aghast_)--I SAY, WHAT ARE YOU A
DOIN' OF, MISTER?! A P'INTIN' ALL THEM BEASTLY POPPIES IN MY CORN!--'A
BIT O' COLOUR?'--WHAT 'OULD MY LANDLORD SAY, D' YOU THINK?--AND AFTER
I'D PUT OFF CUTTIN' CAUSE YOU HADN'T FINISHED, TO OBLIGE YER, I DIDN'T
THINK YOU'D A DONE IT! YOU DON'T COME A P'INTIN' ON MY LAND ANY MORE!"
_Exit, in great dudgeon._
Illustration: _À Fortiori._
=Ticket Collector.= "NOW, THEN, MAKE HASTE! WHERE'S YOUR TICKET?"
=Bandsman= (_refreshed_). "AU'VE LOST IT!"
=Ticket Collector.= "NONSENSE! FEEL IN YOUR POCKETS. YE CANNOT HEV LOST
IT!"
=Bandsman.= "AW CANNOT?! WHY, MAN, AU'VE LOST THE _BIG DRUM_!"
Illustration: "_Nae That Fou!_"
=Country Gentlemen= (_who thought he'd got such a treasure of a new
Gardener_). "TUT, TUT, TUT! BLESS MY SOUL, SAUNDERS! HOW--WHAT'S ALL
THIS? DISGRACEFULLY INTOXICATED AT THIS HOUR OF THE MORNING! AIN'T YOU
ASHAMED OF YOURSELF?!"
=Saunders.= "'SH-HAMED? (_Hic._) NA, NA, 'M NAE SAE DRUNK AS THAT COMES
T'! AH KEN VARRA WEEL WHAT A'M ABOOT!!"
Illustration: Hibernian Veracity.
=Paterfamilias= (_with his Family in Ireland_). "HAVE YOU ANY WEST INDIA
PICKLES, WAITER?"
=Paddy.= "WE'VE NOT, SOR."
=Paterfamilias.= "NO HOT PICKLES OF ANY DESCRIPTION?"
=Paddy.= "NO; SHURE THEY'RE ALL COULD, SOR."
Illustration: Quite Another Thing.
=Paddy= (_the loser_). "ABRAM, G'ALONG! I SAID I'D LAY YOU FOIVE TO WAN,
BUT I WASN'T GOIN' TO BET MY HA'F-CROWN AGIN YOUR TATH'RIN LITTLE
SIXPENCE!"
_Exeunt fighting._
Illustration: A Fair Offer.
=Athletic Barman.= "NOW, IF YOU DON'T TAKE YOURSELF OFF, I'LL PRECIOUS
SOON TURN YOU OUT!"
=Pat= (_with a yell_). "TUR-R-RN ME OUT? IS IT TUR-R-RN ME OUT? THIN,
BEDAD! COME OUTSIDE, AN' TUR-R-RN ME OUT!!"
Illustration: "The Way We Live Now."
=Swell Coachman= (_with his eye on the Brougham's cockade_). "YOUR GUV'NER
IN THE ARMY?"
=Brougham= (_artlessly_). "NOT 'ZACTLY IN THE HARMY. BUT MISSIS SAY AS
THEY SOLD MILINGTARY CUR'OSITIES WHEN THEY KEP' A SHOP IN 'OLBORN!!"
Illustration: Re-Assuring.
=Nervous Old Lady= (_Band in the Distance_). "OH, THERE ARE THOSE DREADFUL
VOLUNTEERS, JOSEPH! I KNOW THE HORSE WILL TAKE FRIGHT! HADN'T YOU BETTER
TURN HIM ROUND?!"
=Coachman= (_who will have his own way_). "OH, LET 'IM ALONE, 'M; HE'LL
TURN 'ISSELF ROUND, AND PRETTY QUICK, TOO, IF HE'S FRIGHTENED!!"
Illustration: Well Meant.
=Shoeblack= (_to daily Customer_). "SUCH A TREAT WE'VE GOT TO-NIGHT, SIR!
TEA AN' BUNS, AN' SPEECHES AT EXETER 'ALL! WOULDN'T YOU LIKE TO GO,
SIR?"
=City Magnate.= "OH, THEY WOULDN'T LET ME IN, MY BOY."
=Shoeblack.= "UM!" (_Ponders._) "WELL--LOOK 'ERE. I THINK I COULD SMUG YER
IN AS MY _FATHER_!!"
Illustration: Nature and Art.
=Pedestrian.= "THAT'S AN EXTRAORDINARY LOOKING DOG, MY BOY. WHAT DO YOU
CALL HIM?"
=Boy.= "FUST OF ALL HE WER' A GREY'OUND, SIR, AN' 'IS NAME WAS 'FLY,' AS'
THEN THEY CUT 'IS EARS AN' TAIL OFF, AN' MADE A MASTI' DOG ON 'IM, AN'
NOW 'IS NAME'S 'LION'!"
Illustration: Natural Advantages.
=Teacher.= "WHAT BIRD DID NOAH SEND OUT OF THE ARK?"
=Smallest Boy In the Class= (_after a Pause_). "A DOVE, SIR."
=Teacher.= "VERY WELL. BUT I SHOULD HAVE THOUGHT SOME OF YOU BIG BOYS
WOULD HAVE KNOWN THAT!"
=Tall Pupil.= "PLEASE, SIR, THAT BOY OUGHT TO KNOW, SIR, 'CAUSE HIS
FATHER'S A BIRD-KETCHER, SIR!!!"
Illustration: The Restraints of Society.
=Juvenile Bohemian.= "HATE GOIN' OUT TO TEA! 'HAVE TO BE GOOD SUCH A
PRECIOUS LONG TIME!!"
Illustration: Simple Addition.
=New Governess.= "WHY ARE YOU STARING SO INTENTLY, BLANCHE, DEAR?"
=Blanche.= "I WAS TRYING TO COUNT THE FRECKLES ON YOUR FACE, MISS
SANDYPOLE, BUT I CAN'T!"
Illustration: Secrets.
=Intelligent Housemaid.= "OH, PLEASE, MISS, THERE WAS A YOUNG GENTLEMAN
CALLED WHEN YOU WAS OUT. HE DIDN'T LEAVE NO CARD, MISS; BUT I CAN SHOW
YOU WHO HE IS, 'CAUSE THERE'S THREE OF HIS PHOTYGRAPHS IN YOUR ALBUM."
Illustration: "A Parthian Shaft."
=Cook.= "NOW, I'M A LEAVIN' OF YER, M'UM, I MAY AS WELL TELL YER AS THE
KEY O' THE KITCHING-DOOR FITS YOUR STORE-ROOM!"
Illustration: Sweet Simplicity.
=Visitor.= "JANE, HAS YOUR MISTRESS GOT A BOOT-JACK?"
=Maid-of-all-Work.= "NO, SIR; PLEASE, SIR, I CLEAN ALL THE BOOTS, SIR!"
Illustration: Master of the Situation?!
SCENE--_Mr. Tethershort's Sanctum._ ENTER _Mrs. T. and her Cook._
=Cook= (_with her usual promptitude--SHE never kept anybody waiting_).
"OH, IF YOU PLEASE, SIR, I WISH TO COMPLAIN OF MISSIS! WHICH SHE COME A
DICTATERIN' AND A HINTERFERIN' IN YOUR KITCHING IN A WAY AS I'M SURE YOU
WOULDN'T APPROVE ON," &C., &C., &C.!!
_T. confesses he felt (for the first and last time) a delicious
sensation of being apparently master in his own house. She was an
admirable Cook, and altogether a most excell---- BUT HOWEVER SHE HAD TO
GO_!
Illustration: Manners!
=Young Mistress.= "JANE, I'M SURPRISED THAT NONE OF YOU STOOD UP WHEN I
WENT INTO THE KITCHEN JUST NOW!"
=Jane.= "INDEED, MUM! WHICH WE WAS SU'PRISED OURSELVES AT YOUR A COMIN'
INTO THE KITCHING WHILE WE WAS A 'AVIN' OUR _LUNCHEONS_!!"
Illustration: A Regular Turk!
=Adjutant.= "WELL, SERGEANT, HOW'S YOUR PRISONER GETTING ON?"
=Sergeant of the Guard.= "BEDAD, SOR, HE'S THE VI'LENTEST BLAGGYARD I IVER
HAD TO DO WID! WE'RE ALL IN TIRROR IV OUR LOIVES! SHURE WE'RE OBLIGED TO
FEED HIM WID FIXED BAY'NITS!"
Illustration: "Incidit in Scyllam," &c.
=Ensign Muffles= (_alluding to his Moustache_). "YOU SEE, SOME SAY, 'WEAR
IT,' YOU KNOW; AND SOME SAY, 'CUT IT OFF,' YOU KNOW; BUT IF I TOOK
EVERYBODY'S ADVICE I SHOULD BE LIKE THE OLD MAN AND HIS DONKEY."
=Sergeant O'Rourke.= "YOUR'R HON'RR WOULD--(BUT NOT WISHING TO BE PERSONAL
ABOUT HIS OFFICER'S AGE) THAT IS--LASTE-WAYS,--BARRIN THE OULD MAN, YOUR
HON-R-R-R!!!"
Illustration: What H. M. Civil Servants have to Endure.
(BESIDES THE RIDICULOUSLY LOW SALARIES.)
=Mr. Registrar.= "WHAT'S THE NUMBER OF YOUR DEED, SIR?"
=Attorney's Clerk.= "H-eight, H-ought H-eight, H-ought, Sevin, Sir!"
=Mr. Registrar= (_faintly_). "OH DEAR! OH DEAR!--(NOTES DOWN THE
NUMBER)--THAT WILL DO."
_And is so upset that he takes a month's holiday on the spot._
Illustration: Curious.
=English Tourist= (_in Ireland_). "TELL ME, WAITER, AT WHAT HOUR DOES THE
FIRST TRAIN LEAVE FOR CLONMEL?"
=Waiter.= "IS IT THE FURRST THRAIN, SOR? I'M NOT RIGHTLY SHURE. THE NOINE
THRAIN UP USED TO LAVE AT HA'F-PAST NOINE--BUT FAIX IT GOES AT TIN NOW,
AND THERE'S NO FURRST THRAIN NOW AT ALL AT ALL. BUT I'LL AX AT THE BAR,
SORR!!"
Illustration: Anything for a Change.
=Artist= (_to Old Fellow-Student_). "AND WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN DOING ALL
THESE YEARS,--WHAT ARE YOU PAINTING?"
=Swell.= "OH, I GAVE UP PAINTING, MY DEAR FELLOW--THEN I TOOK TO TEACHING!
BUT YOU CAN'T FIND PUPILS IN GENIUS, YOU KNOW, SO NOW I GO IN FOR ART
CRITICISM! I KNOW I'M STRONG IN THAT! DID YOU SEE MY ARTICLE IN THIS
WEEK'S 'NOW A DAYS?'"
Illustration: Appearances.
=Plushington.= "I SAY, STODGE, SINGULAR THING--YOUR LANDLADY ADDRESSED ME
'MY LORD' WHEN I ASKED IF YOU WERE WITHIN!"
=Artist.= "NOT AT ALL, MY DEAR FELLOW. IT'S YOUR HAT AND PERSONAL
APPEARANCE! IF YOU DON'T MIND, WE'LL ENCOURAGE THE IDEA. IT WILL GIVE
HER CONFIDENCE IN ME, AND----EH?"
_Plushington will be delighted._
Illustration: From One Point of View.
SCENE--_British Jury Room. All agreed on their Verdict except_----
=Irish Juryman= (_who holds out_). "AH, THIN, ILIV'N MORE OBSTINIT' MEN I
NIVIR MET IN ALL ME LOIFE!!"
Illustration: Our Art-School Conversazione
AT WHICH (IN CONSEQUENCE OF THE INCREASED SPACE ANTICIPATED AT THE R. A.
EXHIBITION) THERE IS A GREATER CROWD THAN USUAL.
=Model= (_who has charge of the Hats and Coats_). "NO. 97? YESSIR. THERE
NOW! IF I DIDN'T SEE THAT 'AT--AH--NOT A QUARTER OF AN HOUR AGO!!"
_Not a very satisfactory look-out for Bouncefield, who has barely time
to catch his last train!_
Illustration: Between Two Shoeblacks We Fall to, &c.
=First Shoeblack.= "I COTCHED 'OLD ON 'IM FUST!"
=Second Ditto.= "YOU'RE A ----!"
_Old Gentleman is flung heavily._
Illustration: Im-pertinent.
=Stout Gent.= (_naturally suspicious of the Street Boy_). "GE' OUT O' MY
WAY, YOU YOUNG RASCAL!"
=Street Boy.= "VICH VAY ROUND, GOV'NOUR?"
Illustration: Register! Register!!
=Aunt Sophy.= "NOW SUPPOSE, GEORGE, AS A SINGLE WOMAN I SHOULD HAVE MY
NAME PUT ON THE REGISTER, WHAT SHOULD I GET BY IT?"
=Pet Nephew.= "OH, A GOOD DEAL. YOU'D BE ALLOWED TO SERVE ON CORONER
JURIES, COMMON JURIES, ANNOYANCE JURIES, PAY POWDER TAX AND ARMORIAL
BEARINGS, ACT AS PARISH BEADLE AND NIGHT CONSTABLE OF THE CASUAL WARD,
AND INSPECTOR OF NUISANCES, REPORT ON FEVER DISTRICTS, AND ALL JOLLY
THINGS OF THAT SORT."
Illustration: "Not Proven."
=Presbyterian Minister.= "DON'T YOU KNOW IT'S WICKED TO CATCH FISH ON THE
SAWBATH!?"
=Small Boy= (_not having had a rise all the Morning_). "WHA'S CATCHIN'
FESH?!"
Illustration: An Evening's Fishing (Behind the Distillery at Sligo).
=First Factory Lad.= "DOM'NICK, DID YOU GET E'ER A BITE AT ALL?"
=Second Ditto.= "SORRA WAN, PAT. ONLY WAN SMALL WAN!"
=First Ditto.= "YERRAD! LAVE IT THERE, AN' COME HOME. SHURE
YOU'LL GET MORE THAN THAT IN BED!"
Illustration: "The Harp in the Air."
=Irish Gentleman= (_who has vainly endeavoured to execute a Jig to the
fitful Music of the Telegraph Wires_). "SHURE! WHOIVER Y'ARE YE CAN'T
PLAY A BIT! HOW CAN A JINTLEMAN DANCE--(_hic!_)--IV YE DON'T KAPE
THIME?"!!
Illustration: Irish Ideal of Themis.
=Biddy= (_to Pat in charge about a difficulty_). "NEVER FEAR, PAT! SHURE
Y'AVE GOT AN UPRIGHT JIDGE TO THRY YE!"
=Pat.= "AH, BIDDY DARLIN', THE DIVEL AN UPRIGHT JIDGE I WANT! 'TIS WONE
THAT'LL _LANE_ A LITTLE!!"
Illustration: "Canny."
=First North Briton.= "'T'S A FINE DAY, THIS?"
=Second Ditto.= "NO ILL, AVA."
=First North Briton.= "YE'LL BE TRAVELLIN'?"
=Second Ditto.= "WEEL, MAYBE I'M NO."
=First North Briton.= "GAUN T'ABERDEEN, MAYBE?"
=Second Ditto.= "YE'RE NO FAUR AFF'T!!"
_Mutually satisfied, each goes his respective way._
Illustration: _Irish Architecture._
=Angler= (_in Ireland_). "HULLO, PAT, WHAT ARE YOU ABOUT NOW?"
=Pat.= "SHURE, I'M RAISIN' ME ROOF A BIT, YER HONOUR-R!!"
Illustration: _Thrift_.
=Peebles Body= (_to Townsman who was supposed to be in London on a
visit_). "E--EH, MAC! YE'RE SUNE HAME AGAIN!"
=Mac.= "E--EH, IT'S JUST A RUINOUS PLACE, THAT! MUN, A HAD NA' BEEN
THE-ERRE ABUNE TWA HOOURS WHEN--_BANG_--WENT _SAXPENCE_!!!"
Illustration: _Scruples._
=English Tourist= (_having arrived at Greenock on Sunday morning_). "MY
MAN, WHAT'S YOUR CHARGE FOR ROWING ME ACROSS THE FRITH?"
=Boatman.= "WEEL, SIR, I WAS JIST THINKIN' I CANNA BREAK THE SAWBATH-DAY
FOR NO LESS THAN F'FTEEN SHULL'N'S!!"
Illustration: A Bad Season.
=Sportsman.= "I CAN ASSURE YOU, WHAT WITH THE RENT OF THE MOOR, AND MY
EXPENSES, AND 'WHAT NOT,' THE BIRDS HAVE COST ME--AH--A SOVEREIGN
APIECE!!"
=Keeper.= "A' weel, Sir! 'Deed it's a Maircy ye didna Kill na mair o'
'em!!"
Illustration: "Familiarity breeds Contempt."
=Keeper= (_who wants to drive the Pheasants to the Squire's corner_).
"HOOO-O-O-SH! HERE, BILL, COME HERE! THEY 'ON'T GET UP FOR ME! THEY KNOW
ME TOO WELL!"
Illustration: Intelligent!
=Artist= (_who thinks he has found a good Model for his TOUCHSTONE_.)
"HAVE YOU ANY SENSE OF HUMOUR, MR. BINGLES?"
=Model.= "THANK Y' SIR, NO, SIR, THANK Y'. I ENJ'YS PRETTY GOOD 'EALTH,
SIR, THANK Y' SIR!"
Illustration: The "Nimble Ninepence."
=City Gent= (_after a critical Inspection_). "WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR THAT
MOONLIGHT?"
=Picture-Dealer.= "I'LL SHELL YER THE TWO A BARGAIN, SHIR! CHEAP ASH DIRT,
SHIR! SHEVENTY-FIVE GUINEASH APEICSHE, SHIR! I'LL WARRANT 'EM UNDOUBTED
SMETHERS'S. SHEVENTY-FIVE----"
=City Gent.= "O, COME, I DON'T MIND GIVING YOU--THIRTY SHILLINGS FOR THE
PAIR."
=Picture-Dealer= (_closing with alacrity_). "DONE! WITH YOU, SHIR!!"
_City Gent is in for 'em!_
Illustration: Menace.
=Little Angler= (_to her refractory Bait_). "KEEP STILL, YOU TIRESOME
LITTLE THING! IF YOU DON'T LEAVE OFF SKRIGGLING, I'LL THROW YOU AWAY,
AND TAKE ANOTHER!"
Illustration: "A Thing of Beauty."
=Visitor.= "WELL, GEORGE, AND WHAT DO YOU MEAN TO BE, WHEN YOU HAVE GROWN
UP?"
=George= (_promptly_). "AN ARTIST!"
=Visitor.= "WELL, THEN, YOU SHALL PAINT MY PORTRAIT."
=George.= "AH! BUT I MEAN TO PAINT PRETTY THINGS!!"
Illustration: Mixed Pickles.
=Domestic= (_in terrified accents_). "O, MUM, HERE'S MASTER PLANTAG'N'T,
'M, HAS BEEN AND BROKE HIS GRAN'PA'S INK-BOTTLE IN THE LIB'ARY, AND CUT
HIS FINGER DREADFUL, 'M!!"
=Grandmamma's Darling= (_gleefully alluding to his Nasal Organ_). "AND GOT
A MARBLE UP BY DOZE, GRA'DBA'!!"
Illustration: The Trials of a District Visitor.
=The Honourable Miss Fuzbuz= (_loq._). "IS MRS. HIGGINS WITHIN?"
=Mrs. Tomkins.= "I'LL CALL 'ER, M'UM." (_At the top of her Voice._) "MRS.
'IG----GINS! ERE'S THE PERSON WITH THE TRAC'S!" (_To the Honourable
Miss._) "THE LADY WILL BE DOWN PRESENTLY, M'UM!!"
Illustration: Legitimate Criticism.
=Aged Village Matron= (_to Sympathising Visitor_). "IT'S A 'COOKERY BOOK,'
AS MRS. PENEWISE, OUR 'DISTRICT LADY,' GIVE ME THIS CHRISTMAS, MISS. I'D
A DEAL SOONER A' HAD THE INGRIDDIMENTS, MISS!!"
Illustration: "The Servants."
=Old Lady.= "THEY'RE ALL ALIKE, MY DEAR. THERE'S OUR SUSAN (IT'S TRUE
SHE'S A DISSENTER), BUT I'VE ALLOWED HER TO GO TO CHAPEL THREE TIMES
EVERY SUNDAY SINCE SHE HAS LIVED WITH ME, AND I ASSURE YOU SHE DOESN'T
COOK A BIT BETTER THAN SHE DID THE FIRST DAY!!"
Illustration: Pleasant for Simpkins!
=Photographer= (_to Mr. Simpkins_). "KEEP YOUR HEAD STEADY, PLEASE, SIR,
AND LOOK IN THE DIRECTION OF THOSE YOUNG LADIES. STEADY NOW, SIR! DON'T
WINK, SIR!"
=Mrs. S.= (_by a look that Mr. S. quite understood_). "JUST LET ME SEE HIM
WINK!!"
Illustration: A Misnomer.
=Country Valetudinarian.= "AH YES, MU'M, I'VE HAD THE 'LUMBAGER TURR'BLE
BAD, MU'M! 'KETCHES ME IN THE _SMALL_ O' THE BACK 'ERE, MU'M!!"
Illustration: "Winkles!"
=Philanthropic Coster'= (_who has been crying "Perry-wink--wink--wink!"
till he's hoarse--and no buyers_). "I WONDER WHAT THE P'OR UNFORT'NATE
CREETERS IN THESE 'ERE LOW NEIGHB'R'OODS DO LIVE ON!!"
Illustration: "The Last (Co-operative) Feather."
'=My Lady.=' "JUST TAKE AND TIE UP A COUPLE OF THOSE SACKS BEHIND THE
CARRIAGE, JAMES. THERE'LL BE ROOM, IF ONE OF YOU RIDES ON THE BOX!!"
Illustration: Disaffection!
=Adjutant.= "What's the Matter, Drum-Major?"
=Drum-Major.= "Please, Sir, the Drums is in a state of Mutiny, and these
are the Ringleaders!!"
Illustration: Zoology.
=Railway Porter= (_to Old Lady travelling with a Menagerie of Pets_).
"'STATION MASTER SAY, MUM, AS CATS IS 'DOGS,' AND RABBITS IS 'DOGS,' AND
SO'S PARROTS; BUT THIS ERE 'TORTIS' IS A INSECT, SO THERE AIN'T NO
CHARGE FOR IT!"
Illustration: Extortion.
=Porter, S. E. R.= "TICKET FOR MUSICAL INSTRUMENT, PLEASE, SIR."
=Amateur Violoncellist= (_who never travels without his bass,
indignantly_). "WHAT! PAY FOR THIS? I'VE NEVER HAD TO PAY ON ANY OTHER
LINE. THIS IS MY 'CELLO!"
=Porter= (_calmly_). "NOT PERSONAL LUGGAGE, SIR. ALL THE SAME IF YOU'D A
HURDY-GURDY, SIR!!"
_Our Amateur's feelings are too much for him._
Illustration: "Any Ornaments for your Fire-Stoves?"
=Little Flora= (_in great distress_). "OH, MAMMA, LOOK HERE! JACK SAYS
IT'S AUNT FANNY! SHE'S GOT ON HER BEAUTIFUL BALL-DRESS WITH THE ROSES ON
IT, AND SHE'S _STUCK IN THE CHIMNEY_!"
Illustration: Compliments of the Season.
=Fond Parent.= "I HOPE YOU WILL BE VERY CAREFUL, MR. STIMPSON. I HAVE
ALWAYS BEEN ACCUSTOMED TO CUT THEIR HAIR MYSELF."
=Mr. Stimpson.= "SO I SHOULD HAVE THOUGHT, MADAM!"
Illustration: On the Face of It.