MIRACLE?"
=Johnny.= "YES, TEACHER. MOTHER SAYS IF YOU DUN'T MARRY NEW PARSON, 'TWULL
BE A MURRACLE!"
Illustration: Obvious Initiative.
(_A lively Native of the Deep Sea seizes hold of a Shepherd's Dog by the
Tail, who makes off as fast as he can._)
=Fishmonger= (_in a rage_). "WHUSTLE ON YER DOG, MUN!"
=Highlander= (_coolly_). "WHUSTLE ON M' DOG? NA, NA, FRIEND! WHUSTLE YOU
ON YOUR _PARTAN_!!"
Illustration: Driving a Bargain.
=Economical Drover.= "A TEECK'T TAE FAA'KIRK."
=Polite Clerk.= "FIVE-AND-NINEPENCE, PLEASE."
=Drover.= "AH'LL GIE YE FIVE SHILLINGS!"
=Clerk= (_astonished_). "EH!"
=Drover=. "WEEL, AH'LL GIE YE FIVE-AN'-THRIPPENCE, AN' DEIL A BAWBEE MAIR!
IS'T A BARGAIN?!"
Illustration: Candid.
=Tam= (_very dry, at door of Country Inn, Sunday Morning_). "AYE, MAN, YE
MICHT GIE ME A BIT GILL OOT IN A BOTTLE!"
=Landlord= (_from within_). "WEEL, YE KEN, TAMMAS, I DAURNA SELL ONYTHING
THE DAY. AND FORBYE YE GOT A HALF-MUTCHKIN AWA' WI' YE LAST NICHT (AFTER
HOORS TAE); IT CANNA BE A' DUNE YET!"
=Tam.= "DUNE! LOSH, MAN, D'YE THINK A' COULD SLEEP AN' WHUSKEY I' THE
HOOSE?!"
Illustration: An Irish Model.
=Mrs. Magillicuddy= (_to her Daughter_). "WHY, WHY, ROSEEN! WHAT'S BEEN
DELAYIN' YE? WHY! AND ME WAITIN' THIS HOUR PAST TO COME IN WID THE
MILK!"
=Rose.= "O, SURE, THIN, MOTHER DEAR, ON ME WAY BACK FROM THE MEADA' I MET
SUCH A DARLIN' ENGLISH JINTLEMAN--A RALE ARTIST. WHY, AND HE AXED ME TO
ALLOW HIM TO TAKE ME LANDSKIP; AND O, MOTHER MAVRONE, IT'S A WONDER HOW
LIKE ME HE'S MED IT, GLORY BE TO THE SAINTS!"
Illustration: A Benediction!
=Irish Beggarwoman= (_to our friend, Dr. O'Gorman, whose Nose is of the
shortest_). "WON'T YE GIVE ME A COPPER, DOCTHER DEAR? THEY, NOW, IF YE
HAVEN'T WAN PENNY CONVANIENT!--AND MAY THE BLISSED SAINTS INCRASE YE!"
=Dr. O'Gorman.= "STAND ASIDE, MY GOOD WOMAN. I'VE NOTHING FOR YOU."
=Beggarwoman.= "O, THIN, THE LARD PRESARVE YER EYESIGHT, FOR THE DIVIL A
NOSE YE HAVE TO MOUNT THE 'SPECS' UPON!!"
Illustration: Mrs. Frummage's Birthday Dinner-Party.
=Mrs. F.= ("_coming from behind the Screen, sneakin' just like her_").
"THERE! OH YOU GOODFORNOTHING BOY, NOW I'VE FOUND YOU OUT. HOW DARE YOU
TOUCH THE WINE, SIR?"
=Robert.= "PLEASE 'M, I WAS--I WAS ONLY JUST A GOIN' TO WISH YOURS AN'
MASTER'S WERY GOOD 'EALTH 'M!"
Illustration: Confession.
=Old Lady= (_who can't stand her Page's destructive carelessness any
longer_). "NOW, ROBERT, I WANT YOU CLEARLY TO UNDERSTAND THE REASON I
PART WITH YOU. CAN YOU TELL ME?"
=Robert= (_affected to tears_). "YES, 'M."
=Old Lady.= "WHAT, ROBERT?"
=Robert.= "'CAUSE I'M--(_SNIFF_)--'CAUSE I'M--'CAUSE I'M _SO UGLY_!!"
Illustration: A Stroke of Business.
=Village Hampden= (_"who with dauntless breast" has undertaken, for
sixpence, to keep off the other boys_). "IF ANY OF YER WANTS TO SEE WHAT
WE'RE A PAINTIN' OF, IT'S A 'ALFPENNY A 'EAD, BUT YOU MARN'T MAKE NO
REMARKS."
Illustration: Proper Reproof.
=Fussy Party.= "WHY DON'T YOU TOUCH YOUR HAT TO ME, BOY?"
=Country Boy.= "SO I WUL I' YEAOU'LL HOWD THE CA-ALF!"
Illustration: Little and Good.
=Gentleman.= "WHO DO THESE PIGS BELONG TO, BOY?"
'=Chaw.=' "WHY, THIS 'ERE OWD ZOW."
=Gentleman.= "YES, YES; BUT I MEAN WHO'S THEIR MASTER?"
'=Chaw.=' "WHY, THAT THERE LITTLE 'UN; HE'S A VARMUN TO FOIGHT!"
Illustration: "Mistakes Will Happen."
=Mamma= (_alarmed_). "WHAT IS IT, MY DARLING?"
=Pet.= "YA--AH, BOO--OOH--AH!"
=Mamma.= "WHAT'S THE MATTER, THEN? COME AND TELL ITS OWN----"
=Pet.= "BA--H-OO-H--SHE--SHE DID--WASH ME ONCE--AN'--SAYS--SHE
DIDN'T--AN'--SHE'S BEEN--AN' GONE AN' WASHED ME OVER AGAIN!!"
Illustration: Brushing Pa's New Hat.
=Edith.= "NOW, TOMMY, YOU KEEP TURNING SLOWLY, TILL WE'VE DONE IT ALL
ROUND."
Illustration: More Than One for His Nob.
=Irritable Old Gentleman= (_who is rather particular about his
appearance_). "I WISH YOU'D BE CAREFUL. THAT'S THE THIRD OR FOURTH TIME
YOU'VE PRICKED ME WITH YOUR SCISSORS!"
=Young Man= (_from "Round the Corner"_). "BEG YER PARDON, SIR, BUT THE
FACT IS, SIR, I 'AVEN'T BEEN IN THE 'ABIT O' CUTTIN' 'AIR, SIR. WE'RE
RATHER SHORT OF 'ANDS, SO----"
_Old Gent explodes._
Illustration: A Passage of Arms.
=Hairdresser.= "'AIR'S VERY DRY, SIR!"
=Customer= (_who knows what's coming_). "I LIKE IT DRY!"
=Hairdresser= (_after awhile, again advancing to the attack_). "'EAD'S
VERY SCURFY, SIR!"
=Customer= (_still cautiously retiring_). "YA-AS, I PREFER IT SCURFY!"
_Assailant gives in defeated_
Illustration: Flunkeianum.
=Master.= "THOMPSON, I BELIEVE THAT I HAVE REPEATEDLY EXPRESSED AN
OBJECTION TO BEING SERVED WITH STALE BREAD AT DINNER. HOW IS IT MY
WISHES HAVE NOT BEEN ATTENDED TO?"
=Thompson.= "WELL, SIR, I REELY DON'T KNOW WHAT IS TO BE DONE! IT WON'T DO
TO WASTE IT, AND WE _CAN'T_ EAT IT DOWN-STAIRS!!"
Illustration: _A Dilemma._
=Auxiliary Recruit= (_to himself_). "MURDER! MURDER! WHAT'LL I DO NOW?
'DRILL-SARJINT TOULD ME ALWAYS TO SALUTE ME OFFICER WID THE FAR-OFF
HAND, AND HERE'S TWO IV EM! FAIX, I'LL MAKE IT STRAIGHT FOR MESELF
ANYHOW!"
_Throws up both Hands._
Illustration: _Lessons in the Vacation._
=Public School-man.= "HE-AR, CABBY, WE'LL GIVE YOU EIGHTEEN-PENCE TO TAKE
US TO BRIXTON."
=Cabby.= "WELL, I GENERALLY DO CARRY CHILDREN 'ALF PRICE, BUT I'M ENGAGED
THIS MORNING, GENTS!"
Illustration: Wimbledon.
=The Irrepressible 'Arry= (_to Swell--Small-bore Man--who has just
fired_). "YA--AH! NEVER 'IT IT!!"
Illustration: Wimbledon.
=Volunteer Mounted Officer= (_Midnight_). "HULLO HERE! WHY DON'T YOU TURN
OUT THE GUARD? I'M THE FIELD-OFFICER OF THE DAY!"
=Volunteer Sentry.= "THEN WHAT THE DEUCE ARE YOU DOIN' OUT THIS TIME O'
NIGHT?"
Illustration: A Hardship.
=Mistress.= "I THINK, ELIZABETH, I MUST ASK YOU TO GO TO CHURCH THIS
AFTERNOON INSTEAD OF THIS MORNING, BECAUSE----"
=Elizabeth= (_indignantly_). "WELL, MUM, WHICH IN MY LAST PLACE I WAS
NEVER AS'ED TO GO AN' 'EAR A CURATE PREACH!"
Illustration: "Like her Impudence."
=Missis and the Young Ladies= (_together_). "GOODNESS GRACIOUS, J'MIMA!
WHAT HAVE YOU----_WHERE'S_ YOUR CR'N'LIN?" (_This word snappishly._)
=Jemima.= "OH 'M, PLEASE 'M, WHICH I UNDERSTOOD AS THEY WAS A GOIN' OUT,
'M----"
_Receives warning on the spot._
Illustration: "Too Bad!"
=Comic Man= (_in an audible Whisper, while his Friend is "obliging" with
"Adelaide"_). "LOOK OUT! HE'S COMING TO THE PASSIONATE PART NOW. YOU'LL
SEE HIM WAG HIS SHOULDERS!"
Illustration: "It's the Pace that Kills."
=Miss Rattleton= (_who means Waltzing_). "OH, I DID NOT SAY 'STOP,' MR.
PLUMPLEY."
=Mr. Plumpley= (_utterly blown, in gasps_). "'MSURE YOU--MUSTBETIRED----"
_And joins the Card-players._
Illustration: The Gamut.
=Jack Bowbell= (_beginning his Song_). "'APPY LAND, 'APPY LAND----"
=Tom Belgrave.= "ONE MOMENT--EXCUSE ME, MY DEAR FELLOW--BUT DON'T YOU
THINK THE SONG WOULD GO BETTER IF YOU WERE TO SOUND YOUR _H_'S JUST A
LITTLE?"
=Jack Bowbell.= "EH? SOUND MY _H_'S?" (_Chuckles._) "SHOWS HOW MUCH YOU
KNOW ABOUT MUSIC!--NO SUCH NOTE--ONLY GOES UP TO _G_!" (_Continues._)
"'APPY LAND, 'APPY LAND----"
Illustration: _Garrison Instruction._
=Instructor= (_lecturing_). "GENTLEMEN, A THREE-LEGGED TRESTLE IS A
TRESTLE WITH THREE LEGS. YOU HAD BETTER MAKE A NOTE OF THAT, GENTLEMEN."
(_Intense scribbling._)
=General in Embryo= (_but not at present noted for smartness_), _after a
pause of some Minutes_. "I BEG YOUR PARDON, MAJOR, BUT HOW MANY LEGS DID
YOU SAY THE TRESTLE HAD?" (_Left sitting._)
Illustration: Cavalry Criticism.
=Adjutant= (_to Riding-Master_). "AH, THERE'S MR. QUICKSTEP!" (_Who had
just Exchanged into the Regiment from the Infantry_.) "HOW DOES HE GET
ON?"
=Riding-Master=. "WELL, SIR, I THINK HE'S THE HOSSIEST GEN'LEMAN AFUT--AND
THE FUTTIEST GEN'LEMAN ON A HOS THAT EVER I'VE MET WITH SINCE I'VE BEEN
IN THE REG'MENT!"
Illustration: "_The Way we Had in the Army._"
=Colonel= (_of the pre-Examination period--to studious Sub_). "I SAY,
YOUNGSTER, YOU'LL NEVER MAKE A SOLDIER IF YOU DON'T MIND WHAT YOU'RE
ABOUT!"
=Sub= (_mildly_). "I SHOULD BE SORRY TO THINK THAT, SIR!"
=Colonel.= "I SAW YOU SNEAKING UP THE HIGH STREET YESTERDAY, LOOKING LIKE
A METHODIST PARSON IN REDUCED CIRCUMSTANCES!--HOLD UP YOUR HEAD, SIR!
BUY A STICK, SIR! SLAP YOUR LEG, SIR! AND STARE AT THE GIRLS AT THE
WINDOWS!"
Illustration: "An Officer and a Gentleman!"
=Volunteer Captain= (_bumptiously_). "OFFICER'S TICKET!"
=Considerate Clerk=. "GOVER'MENT TARIFF'S HIGH ON THIS LINE, SIR. YOU'D
BETTER GO AS A GENTLEMAN! CHEAPER!"
_The Captain is shocked, loses his presence of mind, and takes advantage
of the suggestion_.
Illustration: "The Service going to, &c.!"
ENSIGN BROWN SHARES A TENT AT WIMBLEDON WITH HIS FRIEND JONES, PRIVATE
IN THE SAME COMPANY.
=Ensign Brown=. "OH, I SAY, JO--MR. JONES, THERE'S ONE OF THOSE PEGS
LOOSE. HEM--WILL YOU--I WISH--JUST JUMP OUT, AND MAKE IT FAST!"
=Private Jones=. "OH, HANG IT, BR--MR. BROWN! COME, I DON'T MIND TOSSING
YOU!!"
Illustration: Presence of Mind.
=Constables= (_in chorus_). "HOY! HULLO! STOP! TURN BACK THERE! CAN'T COME
THROUGH THE PARK!"
=Elderly Female= (_in a hurry to catch a train_). "P'LICEMAN, I'M THE
_'OME SECRETARY_!!!"
=Sergeant of Police= (_taken aback_). "OH, I BEG YOUR PARDON, I'M SURE,
MUM! ALL RIGHT--DRIVE ON, CABBY!"
_Old Lady saves the train._
Illustration: "Bric à Brac."
=Mamma= } { {SAM!"
}_together_ {"GOODNESS, GRACIOUS, {
=Daughters=} { {PA'!"
=Papa= (_who has a passion for Antiques_). "MY DEARS, I THOUGHT IT WOULD
DO SO NICELY FOR THE LANDING AT THE TOP OF THE STAIRS, EH."
Illustration: Encouraging.
=First Bystander= (_evidently Village Schoolmaster--ignorant set of people
generally!_). "DON'T SEEM TO BE MAKING MUCH OF IT, DO 'E?"
=Second Bystander= (_you'd have thought him an intelligent Farmer, by the
look of him_). "AMMY-TOOR, SEEMIN'LY!!"
Illustration: "Fine Art."
=Rural Connoisseur.= "HE'S A P'INTIN' TWO PICTUR'S AT ONCE, D' YER SEE?
'BLEST IF I DON'T LIKE THAT THERE LITTLE 'UN AS HE'S GOT HIS THUMB
THROUGH, THE BEST!"
Illustration: _Our Reserves._
(AUXILIARY FORCES, NORTH OF IRELAND.)
=Last Joined Supernumerary.= "NOW, THEN, SENTRY, WHY DON'T YOU SALUTE YOUR
OFFICER?"
=Militia Sentry= (_old Yankee Irish Veteran, who has been through the
"Secesh" War_). "SALUTE, IS IT? DIVEL A SALUTE YOU'LL GET ONTILL YE PAY
YER FUTTIN'!!"
Illustration: _Badinage._
=Facetious 'Bus-Driver= (_offering to pull up_). "'ERE Y'ARE, SIR. LOOK
SHARP, BILL AND 'ELP THE GEN'LEMAN IN WITH HIS LUGGAGE!"
=Chimney-Sweep= (_whose self-respect is hurt_) _uses strong language!_
='Bus-Driver.= "BEG PARD'N, SIR. GEN'LEMAN AIN'T FOR US, BILL. HE'S A
LOOKIN' OUT FOR A 'HATLAS. GOIN' TO MADAM TOOSAWD'S, TO 'AVE HIS STATTY
DONE IN WAX-WORK!!"
Illustration: _Particular to a Hair._
=Irate Major= (_to hairy Sub._). "WHEN NEXT YOU COME ON PARADE, SIR, HAVE
THE GOODNESS TO LEAVE THOSE CONFOUNDED WEATHERCOCKS BEHIND YOU!"
Illustration: _Chronology._
='Bus-Driver.= "THEY TELL ME THERE'VE BEEN SOME COINS FOUND IN THESE 'ERE
'EXKYVATIONS THAT 'A BEEN BURIED THERE A MATTER O' FOUR OR FIVE 'UNDRED
YEAR!!"
=Passenger Friend.= "OH, THAT'S NOTHIN'! WHY, THERE'S SOME IN THE BRI'SH
MUSEUM--AH--MORE THAN TWO THOUSAND YEAR OLD!!"
='Bus-Driver= (_after a pause_). "COME, GEORGE, THAT WON'T DO, YER KNOW!
'CAUSE WE'RE ONLY IN EIGHT'N 'UNDRED AN' SIXTY-NINE NOW!!!"
Illustration: "_Bus-Measure._"
='Bus-Driver.= "NEVER SEE THE COMET?! WHY, WHEREVER COULD YOU 'A'----"
(_Notices Shortness of "Ge'tleman's" hair, &c., and hesitates_).
"HOWSOMEVER----"
=Passenger= (_relieving his embarrassment_). "WHEREABOUTS WAS IT?"
=Driver.= "WELL, I'LL TELL YER. IT WAS ABOUT THE LENGTH O' THIS YERE BUS
FROM THE FORRARDEST LEADER IN THE GREAT BEAR!"
Illustration: Tricks upon Travellers.
=Bonsor= (_down upon little Stannery, who's a great boaster about his
"Swell" acquaintance, and his extensive "Travel," and this year
especially, down Palestine way_). "DID YOU SEE THE DARDANELLES?"
=Stannery.= "EH! THE--EH? OH, YE'--YES! JOLLY FELLARS AS EVER I MET! DINED
WITH 'EM AT VIENNAH!"
_Little S. has left the Club._
Illustration: Quantity not Quality.
=Brown, Senior.= "WELL, FRED, WHAT DID YOU SEE DURING YOUR TRIP ABROAD?"
=Brown, Junior.= "AW--'PON M'WORD, 'DON'T KNOW WHAT I SAW 'XACTLY, 'ONLY
KNOW I DID MORE BY THREE COUNTRIES, EIGHT TOWNS, AND FOUR MOUNTAINS,
THAN SMITH DID IN THE SAME TIME!"
Illustration: "A Woman of Business."
=Husband= (_who has been on the Continent, and left his Wife some Blank
Cheques_). "MY DEAR LOUISA, I FIND YOU HAVE CONSIDERABLY OVERDRAWN AT
THE BANK!"
=Wife.= "O, NONSENSE, WILLY, HOW CAN THAT BE? WHY, I'VE TWO OF THOSE BLANK
CHEQUES LEFT YET!!"
Illustration: "Reason in Woman."
=Young Wife.= "GEORGE, DEAR, I'VE HAD A TALK WITH THE SERVANTS THIS
MORNING, AND I'VE AGREED TO RAISE THEIR WAGES. THEY SAID EVERYTHING WAS
SO DEAR NOW--MEAT WAS SO HIGH, AND COALS HAD RISEN TO SUCH A PRICE, AND
EVERYTHING----I THOUGHT THIS WAS REASONABLE, BECAUSE I'VE SO OFTEN HEARD
YOU COMPLAIN OF THE SAME THING."
Illustration: "Our Failures."
=Husband.= "I SAY, LIZZIE, WHAT ON EARTH DID YOU MAKE THIS MINT-SAUCE OF?"
=Young Wife= (_who has been "helping" Cook_). "PARSLEY, TO BE SURE!"
Illustration: "_Where there's a Will there's a Way!_"
=Cook.= "PLEASE, 'M, I WISHES TO GIVE WARNING----"
=Mistress= (_surprised_). "WHY, WHAT'S THE MATTER?"
=Cook.= "THE FACT IS, MUM, I'M GOING TO GET MARRIED!"
=Mistress.= "WHY, COOK, I DID NOT KNOW YOU WERE ENGAGED!"
=Cook.= "WHICH I HAM NOT AZACTLY ENGAGED AS YET, MUM; BUT I FEELS MYSELF
TO BE OF THAT 'APPY DISPOSITION AS I COULD LOVE HANY MAN, MUM!"
Illustration: "_Satisfactory!_"
=Mistress.= "WELL, JESSIE, I'M GOING INTO NAIRNE, AND WILL SEE YOUR
MOTHER. CAN I GIVE HER ANY MESSAGE FROM YOU?"
=Jessie= (_her first "place"_). "OU, MEM, YE CAN JUST SAY I'M UNCO' WEEL
PLEASED WI' YE!!"
Illustration: "_Ha! Ha! The Wooin' O't!_"
=Young Mistress= (_gravely; she had seen an affectionate parting at the
garden-gate_). "I SEE YOU'VE GOT A YOUNG MAN, JANE!"
=Jane= (_apologetically_). "ONLY WALKED OUT WITH HIM ONCE, M'UM!"
=Mistress.= "O, BUT I THOUGHT I SAW--DIDN'T YOU--DIDN'T HE--TAKE A KISS,
JANE?"
=Jane.= "O, M'M, ONLY AS A FRIEND, M'M!!"
Illustration: "_The Way we Build now._"
=Indignant Houseowner= (_he had heard it was so much cheaper, in the end,
to buy your House_). "WH' WHAT'S THE--WHAT AM I!--WHA'--WHAT DO YOU
SUPPOSE IS THE MEANING OF THIS, MR. SCAMPLING!?"
=Local Builder.= "T' TUT, TUT! WELL, SIR, I 'SPECTS SOME ONE'S BEEN
A-LEANIN' AGIN IT!!"
Illustration: "In the Long Run."
=Town Gent.= "NOW DO YOU FIND KEEPING POULTRY ANSWERS?"
=Country Gent= (_lately retired_). "O, 'ES, S'POSED TO ANSWER. Y' SEE
THERE'S THE ORIGINAL COST OF THE FOWLS--'F COURSE THE FOOD GOES DOWN TO
ME, Y' KNOW. WELL, THEN, I PURCHASE THE EGGS FROM THE CHILDREN, AND THEY
EAT THEM!!!"
Illustration: Rather too Literal.
=Country Gentleman= (_in a rage_). "WHY, WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN UP TO, YOU
IDIOT! YOU'VE LET HIM DOWN, AND----"
=New Groom.= "YES, YER HONNER, YE TOULD ME TO BREAK HIM; AN' BRUK HE IS,
KNEES AN' ALL, WORSE LUCK!"
Illustration: "Bon Voyage!"
=Mossu= (_shot into a nice soft loam_) _exultingly_. "A--HA--A! I AM SAFE
O-VÈRE! NOW IT IS YOUR TURN, MEESTER TIMBRE JOMPRE! COME ON, SABE!"
Illustration: "Fiat Experimentum," &c.
=The Rector.= "GOOD MORNING, MRS. SMITHERS. HOW'S THE BABY? ISN'T IT
RATHER EARLY TO BRING HIM TO CHURCH? DON'T YOU THINK HE'LL BE RESTLESS?"
=Mrs. Smithers.= "O, NO, SIR, HE'LL BE QUIET, SIR, WHICH WE TOOK HIM TO
THE METHODIS' CHAPEL LAST SUNDAY O' PURPOSE TO TRY HIM, SIR!"
Illustration: Irreverent.
=Policeman= (_on the occasion of our "Confirmation"_). "STOP! STOP! GO
BACK! YOU MUSTN'T COME IN HERE! WE'RE EXPECTIN' O' THE BISHOP EVERY
MINUTE!"
=Cabby= (_fortissimo_). "ALL RIGHT! WHY'VE GOT THE OLD BUFFER INSIDE!"
Illustration: Wet and Dry.
=Careful Wife.= "ARE YOU VERY WET, DEAR?"
=Ardent Angler= (_turning up his flask_). "NO; DRY AS A LIME-KILN--HAVEN'T
HAD A DROP THESE TWO HOURS!"
Illustration: "_Not so Fast!_"
=Old Gent.= (_soliloquising, in the Wilds of Glenmuchie_). "AH, WELL, THIS
IS VERY JOLLY! WEALTH'S A GREAT BLESSING--NOT THAT I'M A RICH MAN--BUT
AFTER THE TURMOIL AND WORRY OF BUSINESS, TO BE ABLE TO RETIRE TO THESE
CHARMING SOLITUDES, THE SILENCE ONLY BROKEN BY THE GRATEFUL SOUNDS OF
THE RIPPLING STREAM ('BURN,' I MEAN. AH! I NEARLY HAD HIM THEN!), AND
THE HUM OF THE BEE! TO BE ABLE TO LEAVE LONDON AND ITS TIRESOME
MILLIONS, AND FORGET ALL THE LOW----"
=Voice from the Bridge= (_the ubiquitous "'Arry"_). "COULD YER 'BLIGE US
WITH A WORM, GOV'NOUR?"!!
Illustration: Banting in the Yeomanry.
=Troop-Sergeant Major.= "IT COMES TO THIS, CAPTAIN, 'A MUN E'THER HEV' A
NEW JACKET OR KNOCK OFF ONE O' MY MEALS!"
Illustration: Something from the Provinces.
=Excursionist= (_politely_). "CAN YOU KINDLY DIRECT ME THE NEAREST WAY TO
SLAGLEY?"
=Powerful Navvy.= "AH CAN POONCH TH' HEAD O' THEE!"
_Excursionist retires hastily._
Illustration: "Ways and Means."
=First Country Gentleman.= "'MEAN HUNTING THIS WINTER, CHARLIE?"
=Second Country Gentleman= (_doubtfully_). "'SHALL TRY AND 'WORK' IT."
=First Country Gentleman.= "HOW?"
=Second Country Gentleman.= "GIVE UP THE UNDER-NURSE, I THINK."
Illustration: Blank Firing.
=Ancient Sportsman= (_whose Sight is not what it used to be_). "PICK 'EM
UP, JAMES, PICK 'EM UP! WHY DON'T YOU PICK 'EM UP?"
=Veteran Keeper.= "'CAUSE THERE BEAN'T ANY DOWN, MY LORD!"
CONTENTS.
PAGE
Adjustment 25
A Fortiori 110
Alarming 44
Alma Mater 50
Angling Extraordinary 81
Answer, a Soft 22
Anything for a Change 118
Appeal, a Final 37
Appearances 118
Arbiter Elegantiarum 35
Arcadian Amenities 56
Archery Meeting, the 76
Architecture (Irish) 123
Argumentum ad Hominem 21
Artful--Very! 57
Artist, Our 54
Art-School Conversazione, Our 119
As Well as can be Expected 46
Awkward! 75, 108
Badinage 146
Bagpipes and Classical Music 56
Banting in the Yeomanry 155
Bargain, Driving a 132
Barometrical 14
Beard Movement, the 106
Beauty, a Thing of 126
Benediction! a 133
Bereaved 96
Between two Shoeblacks
we fall, &c. 120
Bird Show, the 5
Birthday Dinner-Party,
Mrs. Frummage's 134
Blank Firing 155
Bon Voyage! 100, 152
Boon Companions 96
Boxing-Day 55
Boys, those Dreadful 80
Breaking the Ice 24, 156
Bric à Brac 144
Brother Brush 84
Brushing Pa's New Hat 136
Business! 69
" a Stroke of 135
Bus-Measure 147
By the Card 41
Candid 132
Canny 68, 122
Casual Acquaintance, a 43
Catechism under Difficulties 78
Cavalry Criticism 142
Chaff 31
Change for the Better, a , 65
Character, a Satisfactory 98
Chronology 147
Circumlocutory! 43
Civil Servants, H. M., What
they have to Endure 117
Civil Service Miseries 49
Club Law 94
Colloquial Equivalents 65
Commissariat, the 69
Comparisons 73
Compliment, a 47
Complimentary 39
Compliments of the Season 82, 85, 131
Compliments of the (Sketching) Season 84
Concert, the Morning 97
Conclusive 58
Confederate, a Treacherous 23
Confession 134
" in Confusion 18
Confidence, in 93
Connoisseur, the 16
Connoisseurs, the 60
Conscience, a Guilty 74
Conscience Clause, the 101
Considerate 52
Convalescent, the 74
Cool Card, a 97
Cricket 23
Criticism, Considerate 109
" Legitimate 127
Culture for the Working Classes 43
Cure, a Perfect 45
Curious 118
Customer, Bad 2
Dear, Dear Boy! 83
Decimals on Deck 13
Definition, a 70
Degenerate Son, a 25
Delicacy 40
Delicately Put 73
Depression 86
Desperate Case! 25, 100
Dignity 1, 102
Dilemma, a 20, 91, 138
Dinners, Little, How we
arrange our 58
Disaffection! 125
Dish, a New 53
Distinction, a 51
Distracting 47
District Visitor, Trials of a 127
Durance 3
Duty and Pleasure 69
Education! 23, 101
Embarrassing 50
Encouraging! 90, 145
Equal to the Situation 74
Exchange! 25
Excuse, a Perfect 107
Exempli Gratia 102
Extenuating Circumstances 70
Extortion 130
Fahrenheit 107
Failing, a Little 60
Failures, Our 149
Familiarity breeds Contempt
124
Family Man, a 15
Family Pride 1
Family Ties 8
Feather, the last (Co-operative) 125
Fiat Experimentum 153
Fine Art 145
Finishing Touch, the 109
Fish, a Big 56
Fishing, an Evening's (behind the
Distillery at Sligo) 121
Flattering 72
Flunkeianum 137
For Better for Worse 7
Game (a) Two can Play at 13
Gamut, the 141
Garrison Instruction 142
Grandiloquence 77
Gratitude 93
Grey Mare, the 58
Gentility in Greens 9
Geology 96
Golden Age Restored, the 63
Habit, Force of 50
" a Luxurious 63
Ha! Ha! the Wooin' o' it 150
Happy Thought 82
Hard Lines 35
Hardship, a 140
Hard-up on a Wet Day 99
Harp in the Air, the 122
Heresy 42
He thought he was Safe 108
Hibernian Veracity 111
High Life below Stairs! 94
Hoist with his own Pomade 47
Hunting Appointments 89
Hunting Idiot 54
Hygiene 108
Hyperbole 88
Ignorance, Crass 10
Im-pertinent 120
Incidit in Scyllam, &c. 117
Incombinable Elements 99
Ingenuas Didicisse, &c. 36
Ingenuity, Irish 12
In the Long Run 151
Initiative, Obvious 132
Inspection, Our 89
Intelligent! 129
In Vino Memoria 78
Io Bacche! 60
Irish Grievances, Real 88
Irreverent 153
Irrevocable 55
Is it Pos-sible?! 31
It's an Ill Wind, &c. 90
It's the Pace that Kills 141
Jeopardy, in 41
Just in Time 17
Knowledge, Pursuit of 95
Labour, Division of 38
Lapsus Linguæ 76
Last Word, the 91
Le Jeu ne vaut pas la Chandelle 28
Lessons in the Vacation 138
Let Well alone! 28
Levelling Up 77
Liberal to a Fault 48
Like her Impudence 140
Lingua East Anglia 62
Little and Good 135
Look before you Leap 27
Lucid! 26
Lucus a Non, &c. 88
Luxury, Seasonable 22
Making Things Pleasant 81
Mal Apropos 18
Manners! 116
Manoeuvres, Our 19, 59
March of Refinement 2
Master of the Situation?! 116
Matter! 37
Meat Supply, the 66
Menace 126
Men were Deceivers ever 49
Mens Conscia 1
Mercies, Small, (not) Thankful for 39
Military Manoeuvres 19
Mind and Matter 79
Mine of Speculation, a 21
Misnomer, a 128
Mistakes will Happen 136
Mistletoe Bough, Oh the 42
Model, an Irish 133
More than one for his Nob 137
M. P., a Pledged 4
Music in the Midlands 106
Music of the Future--Sensation Opera 94
Mystery solved, the 3
Mystification 71
Nae that Fou! 110
Narcotic, a 15
Natural Advantages 113
Nature and Art 113
Never say 'Die' 36
Nimble Ninepence, the 129
No accounting for Taste 64
Noblesse oblige! 105
No Mistake, this Time 27
No such Luck 30
Not Proven 121
Not so Fast! 154
Not to put too fine a Point on it 36
Obliging 71
Off! 38
Offender, an Old 55
Offer, a Fair 111
Officer (an) and a Gentleman! 143
Once for All 92
On the Face of it 131
Order, an Extensive 30
Ornaments for your Fire-Stoves 131
Panic in the Kitchen, a 32
Parthian Shaft, a 115
Particular! 34, 90
" to a Hair 147
Partner, Vivifying Treatment of a 34
Passage of Arms, a 137
Penny Wise 46
Perils of the Deep 4
Personal! 100
Perspective! 79
Pet, Intelligent 3
Pickles, Mixed 126
Pic-nic, the 57
Pink of Fashion, the 5
Plain to Demonstration 9
Pleasant for Simpkins! 128
Pleasuring! 107
Plutocrat, a 37
Point of View, a 87
Point of View, from one 119
Poor Humanity! 7
Precise 29
Presence of Mind 144
Prevention's better than Cure 8
Profanation 80
Proof Positive 32
Prospect, a Pleasant 67, 85
Prospect, a Nice 95
Provinces, Something from the 155
Prudence, Common 6
Pulpit-Critics, Stern 68
Qualifications 33
Quantity, not Quality 148
Quite another Thing 111
Quite Superfluous 105
Races not yet Extinct 20
Rather too Literal 152
Ready! 83
Reason in Woman 149
Reassuring 67, 112
Reductio ad Absurdum 86
Refrigerated Tourists 2
Refusal, a Rash 73
Register! Register! 120
Relapse 97
Reminiscences 46
Reproof, Proper 135
Res Angustæ Domi 11
Reserves, Our--the Battle of Amesbury 59
" Auxiliary Forces, North of Ireland 146
Restraints of Society 114
Retributive Justice 41
Revenge for the Union, More 13
Riding Lesson, the 26
Roll-Call, the 9
Romance of the Kitchen 82
Run of the House, the 103
Running Drill, the New 19
Rural Simplicity 78
Rustic Recollections 52
Sacrifice 70
Satisfactory! 150
Sausage Machine, the 16
Scruples 123
Scrupulous 12
Season, a Bad 124
Secrets 115
Selling him a Pennyworth 65
Sermon, the First 24
Servants, the 35, 40, 104, 127
Service (the) going to, &c. 143
Shocking! 156
Silence is Golden 14
Silly Suffolk (?) Pastorals--Reciprocity 76