THE BRIDGE THERE, AND SAY I SHOULD BE MUCH OBLIGED TO HIM IF HE'D SEND
ME SOME BAIT."
=Country Boy= (_to Second Angler, in the Eastern Counties language_).
"THA' THERE BO' SAHY HE WANT A WURRUM!!"
Illustration: _A Luxurious Habit._
=Philanthropist= (_to Railway Porter_). "THEN WHAT TIME DO YOU GET TO
BED?"
=Porter.= "WELL, I SELDOM WHAT YER MAY CALL GETS TO BED MYSELF, 'CAUSE O'
THE NIGHT TRAINS. BUT MY BROTHER, AS USED TO WORK THE P'INTS FURTHER
DOWN THE LINE, WENT TO BED LAST CHRISTMAS AFTER THE ACCIDENT, AND
NEVER----"
_Train rushes in, and the Parties rush off._
Illustration: _The Golden Age Restored._
=Young Lady= (_Through Passenger, at West Riding Station_). "WHAT'S GOING
ON HERE TO-DAY, PORTER? HAS THERE BEEN A FÊTE?"
=Porter= (_astonished_). "BLESS THEE, LASS! THERE'S NEA FEIGHTIN'
NOO-A-DAYS; 'T'S AGIN T' LA-AW!--NOBBUT A FLOOER-SHOW!"
Illustration: "No Accounting for Taste."
=Materfamilias= (_just arrived at Shrimpville--the Children had been down
a Month before_). "WELL, JANE, HAVE YOU FOUND IT DULL?"
=Nurse.= "IT WAS AT FUST, M'M. THERE WAS NOTHINK TO IMPROVE THE MIND, M'M,
TILL THE NIGGERS COME DOWN!!"
Illustration: Sold Cheap.
=Little Brown= (_to "Nigger Minstrel," who always addresses his listeners
as "My Lord"_). "AH, HOW DID YOU KNOW MY----AH--HOW DID YOU KNOW I WAS A
LORD?" _Sensation among the bystanders!_
=Minstrel.= "BLESS YER, MY LORD, I NEVER LOSE SIGHT O' MY SCHOOLFELLERS!"
_Roars of laughter. Little B. caves in, and bolts!_
Illustration: Selling Him a Pennyworth.
=Philanthropist.= "THERE'S A PENNY FOR YOU, MY LAD. WHAT WILL YOU DO WITH
IT?"
=Sweeper.= "WHAT ALL THIS AT ONCE! I'LL TOSS YER FOR IT, DOUBLE OR
QUITS!"
Illustration: A Change for the Better.
=Greengrocer.= "WANT A PENN'ORTH O' COALS, DO YER? YOU WON'T BE ABLE TO
'AVE A PENN'ORTH MUCH LONGER. THEY'RE A GOING UP. COALS IS COALS NOW, I
CAN TELL YER!"
=Boy.= "AH, WELL, MOTHER'LL BE GLAD O' THAT, 'CAUSE SHE SAYS THE LAST
COALS SHE HAD O' YOU WAS ALL SLATES!!"
Illustration: _Colloquial Equivalents._
=Papa.= "NOW, MY DEAR GIRLS, YOUR BROTHER IS RECEIVING A MOST EXPENSIVE
EDUCATION, AND I THINK THAT WHILE HE IS AT HOME FOR THE HOLIDAYS YOU
SHOULD TRY TO LEARN SOMETHING FROM HIM."
=Emily.= "SO WE DO, 'PA. WE'VE LEARNT THAT A BOY WHO CRIES IS A 'BLUB,'
THAT A BOY WHO WORKS HARD IS A 'SWOT'"----
=Flora.= "YES, AND THAT ANYBODY YOU DON'T LIKE IS A 'CAD;' AND WE KNOW THE
MEANING OF 'GRUB,' 'PROG,' AND A 'WAX'"
Illustration: "The Meat Supply."
=Bathing-Man.= "YES, MUM, HE'S A GOOD OLD 'ORSE YET. AND HE'S BEEN IN THE
SALT WATER SO LONG, HE'LL MAKE CAPITAL BILED BEEF WHEN WE'RE DONE WITH
HIM!!!"
Illustration: "_Tracts._"
=First Navvy.= "T' NEW MISSION-ARY GAVE ME THIS 'ERE TRACK JUST NOW,
BILL."
=Second Navvy.= "AIN'T SEEN HIM. WHAT LOIKE IS HE?"
=First Navvy.= "LITTLE CHAP--PREACHES ABOUT EIGHT STUN TEN, I SHOULD
GUESS!"
Illustration: "_A Ticket of Leave_."
=Swell= (_who won't be done_). "H'YARS MY KYARD IF YOU'D--AH--LIKE TO
SUMMON ME."
=Cabby= (_who has pulled up and heard the dispute_). "DON'T YOU TAKE IT,
BILL. IT'S HIS TICKET O' LEAVE!"
Illustration: A Pleasant Prospect.
=Traveller= (_in Ireland_). "HI,--PULL HER UP, MAN! DON'T YOU SEE THE MARE
IS RUNNING AWAY?"
=Paddy.= "HOULD TIGHT, YER 'ONOR! FOR YER LIFE DON'T TOUCH THE
REINS!--SURE THEY'RE AS ROTTEN AS PEARS! I'LL TURN HER INTO THE RIVER AT
THE BRIDGE BELOW HERE. SURE THAT'LL STOP HER, THE BLAGYARD!"
Illustration: Reassuring.
=Traveller in Ireland= (_rheumatic, and very particular_). "NOW, I HOPE
THE SHEETS ARE CLEAN!"
=Kathleen= (_the Chambermaid_). "CLANE, SOR? SHURE THEY'RE JUST _DAMP_
FROM THE MANGLE, SOR!!"
Illustration: _Woman's Rights._
=Scotch Lady= (_who has taken a House in the Highlands, her Servants
suddenly giving "warning"_). "WHAT'S THE REASON OF THIS? HAVE YOU NOT
ALL YOU WANT?--GOOD ROOMS, AND GOOD FRESH AIR AND FOOD, AND EASY WORK?"
=Spokeswoman.= "YES, MEM--BUT--BUT THERE'S NO A DECENT LAAD WITHIN CRY O'
US!"
Illustration: "_Canny._"
=Sportsman.= "THAT'S A TOUGH OLD FELLOW, JEMMY?"
=Keeper.= "AY, SIR, A GRAND BIRD TO SEND TO YOUR FREENS!"
Illustration: _Stern Pulpit Critics._
=First Scot.= "FAT SORT O' MINISTER HAE YE GOTTEN, GEORDIE?"
=Second Ditto.= "OH, WEEL, HE'S NO MUCKLE WORTH. WE SELDOM GET A GLINT O'
HIM. SAX DAYS O' TH' WEEK HE'S ENVEES'BLE, AND ON THE SEVENTH HE'S
ENCOMPREHENS'BLE!!"
Illustration: The Commissariat.
=Squire= (_to new Butler_). "I HAVE THREE OR FOUR CLERGYMEN COMING TO DINE
WITH ME TO-MORROW, PRODGERS, AND----"
=Mr. Prodgers.= "'IGH OR LOW, SIR?"
=Squire.= "WELL--I HARDLY----BUT WHY DO YOU ASK, PRODGERS?"
=Mr. Prodgers.= "WELL, YOU SEE, SIR, THE 'IGH' DRINKS MOST WINE, AND THE
'LOW' EATS MOST VITTLES, AND I MUST PERWIDE ACCORDIN!!"
Illustration: Duty and Pleasure.
=Rural Butler= (_deferentially_). "AND WHAT DO YOU THINK OF OUR COUNTRY
QUALITY DOWN HERE, SIR?"
=Town Gentleman= (_"in waiting" to Lord Marybone, who was visiting the
Squire_). "WELL, 'F COURSE, YOU SEE, SMITHARS, I DON'T MIND WAITIN' ON
'EM,--BUT--'CAN'T SAY I SHOULD CARE TO SIT DOWN WITH 'EM"!!!
Illustration: "Business!"
=Bath-Chairman.= "I S'POSE THE DUKE OF EDINBORO' AND HIS MISSIS WILL BE BY
DIRECTLY?"
=Policeman.= "NO, THEY WON'T. THEY AIN'T IN TOWN."
=Bath-Chairman.= "AIN'T THEY?--I SAY, IF THAT OLD LADY IN MY CHAIR ASTS
YOU, SAY 'YOU DON'T KNOW,' 'CAUSE SHE'S A WAITIN' TO SEE 'EM, AND I'M
ENGAGED BY THE HOUR!"
Illustration: _Sacrifice._
=Good Templar.= "TUT--T--T--REALLY, SWIZZLE, IT'S DISGRACEFUL TO SEE A MAN
IN YOUR POSITION IN THIS STATE, AFTER THE EXPENSE WE'VE INCURRED AND THE
EXERTIONS WE'VE USED TO PUT DOWN THE LIQUOR TRAFFIC!"
=Swizzle.= "Y' MAY PREASH AS MUSH AS Y' LIKE, GEN'L'M'N, BUR I CAN TELL Y'
I'VE MADE MORE PERSH'NAL EFFORSH TO (_hic_) PURROWN LIQUOR THAN ANY OF
YE!"
Illustration: _Extenuating Circumstances._
=Employer= (_on his way to business on Monday morning_). "AH, SAUNDERS!
I'M SORRY TO SEE YOU IN THIS WAY. I THOUGHT YOU'D TURNED OVER A NEW
LEAF!"
=Saunders= (_repentant_). "SHO I'AD, SHIR, BUT (_hic_) 'TSH ALL ALONG O'
THESH 'ERE WA'ER CO'PANIES--I 'SSHURE YOU, SHIR, 'ERE WASHN'T 'DROP O'
WA'ER IN OUR SHISHT'RN ALL YESHT'RDAY!!!"
Illustration: _A Definition._
=Shoeblack= (_pointing to Unsteady Party by the lamp-post_). "TEA-TOTALLER
ON 'THE STRIKE,' SIR!"
Illustration: _Mystification._
_Our young Landscape Painter's Preparations are Regarded with Intense
Interest by the Village Juveniles, yet evidently expect a Gymnastic
Entertainment_--(_he frames an Imaginary Picture with his Hands_).
=Omnes.= "HE'S A GOIN' TO SAY HIS PRAYERS FUST!!"
Illustration: _Obliging._
=Excursionist= (_to himself_). "ULLO! 'ERE'S ONE O' THEM ARTISTS. 'DESSAY
'E'LL WANT A GENTEEL FIGGER FOR 'IS FOREGROUND. I'LL _STAND FOR
'IM_!!!"
Illustration: Our Theatricals.
=Brown= (_rehearsing his part as the "Vicomte de Cherisac"_). "YAS, MARIE!
I'VE FONDLY LOVED YE. (_Sobs dramatically._) 'TIS WELL--BUT NO
MAT-TAR-R!"
=Housemaid= (_to Cook, outside the Door_). "LAUKS, 'LIZ'BETH, AIN'T MASTER
A GIVIN' IT TO MISSIS!"
Illustration: Flattering.
=Housemaid= (_to Cook, behind the laurels_). "HE'S A HAFFABLE YOUNG MAN,
THAT CAP'AIN LIMBER, MISSUS'S BROTHER. HOW BECOMIN' HE'D LOOK IN OUR
LIVERY, WOULDN'T HE?!!"
Illustration: _Comparisons._
=Barber.= "'AIR'S EXTR'ORDINARY DRY, SIR. (_Customer explains he has been
in the Country, and out o' doors a good deal._) AH! JUS' SO, SIR.
RUINATION TO THE 'AIR, SIR! IF I WAS TO BE KNOCKIN' ABOUT 'UNTING AND
FISHIN', LOR', SIR, MY 'AIR WOULDN'T BE IN NO BETTER STATE THAN YOURS,
SIR!!"
Illustration: _Delicately Put._
=Customer.= "I'M AFRAID I'M GETTING A LITTLE BALD!"
=Operator.= "WELL, SIR, I THINK, SIR, WHEN YOU ATTEND PUBLIC WUSHIP, IF I
WAS YOU, I'D SIT IN THE GALLERY."
Illustration: _A Rash Refusal._
=Customer= (_flying from Importunate Tradesman_). "NO, THANK YOU, NOTHING
MORE, REALLY! NOT ANOTHER ARTICLE, THANK YOU! GOOD MORNING!"
_Escapes--ha! ha! refusing his own Umbrella!!_
Illustration: _A Guilty Conscience._
=Country Parson= (_to hard-drinking Old Pauper_). "WHY, SURELY, MUGGRIDGE,
YOU WERE RELIEVED LAST WEEK FROM THE COMMUNION ALMS!"
=Muggridge.= "COMMUNION ARMS, SIR! 'S TRUE'S I STAND HERE, NEVER VAS
INSIDE THE 'OUSE IN ALL MY LIFE, SIR; NEVER HEERD OF IT, SIR!"
Illustration: _Equal to the Situation._
=The Parson.= "WELL, LIZZIE, YOUR MOTHER'S COME OUT OF PRISON, I HEAR. HOW
IS SHE NOW?"
=Lizzie.= "O, THANKY', SIR, SHE'S EV' SO MUCH BETTER. SHE'VE HAD CAPITAL
TIMES IN THERE. FATHER'S OUT O' WORK, AND RATHER POORLY, SO HE GOT TOOK
UP LAST NIGHT!!"
Illustration: _The Convalescent._
=New Curate= (_tenderly_). "MY GOOD MAN, WHAT INDUCED YOU TO SEND FOR ME?"
=Oldest Inhabitant.= "WHAT DOES HE SAY, BETTY?"
=Betty.= "'SAYS WHAT THE DEUCE DID YOU SEND FOR HIM, FOR!!"
Illustration: Awkward!
=Literal Servant Girl= (_to Brown, who was calling for the first time on
the Dibsworths_). "PLEASE SIR, YOUR CABMAN SAY HE DON'T HALF LIKE THE
LOOK OF THIS HERE HALF-CROWN YOU'VE GIVE HIM!!"
Illustration: "Suit Your Talk to Your Company."
=Mrs. Clovermead.= "AND, DAN, YOU'LL BRING THE TRAP--(_recollecting
herself--her fashionable Cousin, from London, is on a Visit at the
Farm_)--WE SHALL WANT THE CARRIAGE TO DRIVE INTO THE TOWN AFTER
LUNCHEON, DANIEL."
=Daniel.= "YES, MUM--(_hesitating--he had noticed the correction_)--BE
I--(_in a loud whisper_)--BE I TO CHANGE MY TROWSE'S, MUM?"!!
Illustration: _Silly Suffolk (?) Pastorals. Reciprocity._
=Parson.= "I HAVE MISSED YOU FROM YOUR PEW OF LATE, MR. STUBBINGS----"
=Farmer= (_apologetically_). "WELL, SIR, I HEV' BEEN TO MEET'N' LATELY.
BUT--Y' SEE, SIR, THE REVEREND MR. SCOWLES O' THE CHAPEL, HE BOUGHT SOME
PIGS O' ME, AND I THOUGHT I OUGHT TO GI' 'M A TARN!!"
Illustration: Lapsus Linguæ.
=Our Athletic Curate= (_who, with the young men of his parish, had been
victorious in a great match the day before; please forgive him this
once, only_). "HE-AR ENDETH THE FIRST INNINGS!!"
Illustration: The Archery Meeting.
=Curate= (_to Fair Stranger_). "I PERCEIVE YOU ARE NOT A TOXOPHILITE!"
=Fair Stranger= (_promptly_). "OH DEAR NO! 'CHURCH OF ENGLAND,' I ASSURE
YOU!"
Illustration: _Grandiloquence_
=Captain of Schooner.= "WHAT 'A' YOU GOT THERE, PAT?"
=Pat.= (_who has been laying in some Firewood and Potatoes_). "TIMBER AND
FRUIT, YER HONOUR!!"
Illustration: _Levelling Up._
=Sub.= (_just arrived by rail_). "HOW MUCH TO THE BARRACKS?"
=Car-Driver.= "AH, SHURE THIN, CAPTIN, THE MANEST OV 'EM GIVES ME T'REE
AND SIXPENCE!"
Illustration: Rural Simplicity.
"BEEN TO SCHOOL, LITTLE LASSIE?" "AY, SIR." "GOOD GIRL--THERE'S A PENNY
FOR YOU." "THANK YOU, SIR. I'LL HAE TO BE STEPPIN'--BUT AWM GAUN TO
SKEULL I' THE MORNIN'--WULL YE BE THIS WAY I' THE EFTERNEUN?!"
Illustration: _Catechism under Difficulties._
=Free Kirk Elder= (_preparatory to presenting a Tract_). "MY FRIEND, DO
YOU KNOW THE CHIEF END OF MAN?"
=Piper= (_innocently_). "NA, I DINNA MIND THE CHUNE! CAN YE NO WHUSTLE
IT?"!!
Illustration: _In Vino Memoria._
=Major Portsoken= (_a pretty constant Guest_). "I SAY, BUCHANAN, THIS
ISN'T--(_another sip_)--THE SAME CHAMPAGNE----!"
=Scotch Butler.= "NA, THAT'S A' DUNE! THERE WAS THRUTTY DIZZEN; AND YE'VE
HAD YERE SHARE O'T, MAJOR!!"
Illustration: Mind and Matter.
=Augustus= (_poetical_). "LOOK, EDITH! HOW LOVELY ARE THOSE FLEECY
CLOUDLETS DAPPLED OVER THE----"
=Edith= (_prosaic_). "YES. 'XACTLY LIKE GRAVY WHEN IT'S GETTING COLD.
ISN'T IT?"!!
Illustration: Perspective!
IN CRITICISING AND CORRECTING HIS PRETTY COUSIN'S PERSPECTIVE, OF COURSE
FREDERICK'S FACE MUST BE AS NEARLY AS POSSIBLE IN THE SAME PLACE AS
HERS!--TABLEAU!--PA (IN THE BACKGROUND) IS EVIDENTLY MAKING UP HIS MIND
TO SEE ABOUT THIS! _Note._ FRED _hasn't a rap!_
Illustration: Those Dreadful Boys!
=Algernon.= "AND, DEAREST, IF THE DEVOTION OF A LIFE----" (_At this moment
his hat is knocked over his eyes by a common Starfish, or Five-fingers
(Asterias rubens), thrown, with considerable force and precision, by one
of those_ infern----_high-spirited little fellows her younger brothers_,
TOMMY _and_ BERTIE!!!)
Illustration: Profanation.
=Gent.= "I LEFT A LOCK OF HAIR HERE A FEW DAYS AGO TO BE FITTED IN A
LOCKET, IS IT--AH--READY?"
=Artiste.= "VERY SORRY, SIR, IT HAS BEEN MISLAID. BUT IT'S OF NO
CONSEQUENCE, SIR--WE CAN EASILY GET IT MATCHED, SIR."!!
Illustration: "Turn About."
=George.= "I SAY, TOM, DO TAKE CARE! YOU NEARLY SHOT MY FATHER THEN!"
=Tom.= "'SH! DON'T SAY ANYTHING, THERE'S A GOOD FELLOW! TAKE A SHOT AT
MINE!!"
Illustration: Making Things Pleasant.
=Irishman= (_to English Sportsman_). "IS IT THROUTS? BE JABERS, THE
WATTHER'S STIFF WID 'EM!!!"
"_Regardless of strict truth, in his love of hyperbole and generous
desire to please," as our Friend recorded in his Diary after a blank
day._
Illustration: Angling Extraordinary.
=Customer= (_in a great hurry_). "A SMALL BOX OF GENTLES, PLEASE. AND LOOK
SHARP! I WANT TO CATCH A 'BUS'!!"
Illustration: "Happy Thought."
=Mistress= (_who had come down to see about the Bass Voice she had heard
in the Kitchen--Guardsman discovered!_). "O, YOU DECEITFUL GIRL, TO SAY
THERE WAS NOBODY HERE! AND AFTER I'D GIVEN YOU DISTINCTLY TO UNDERSTAND
I DIDN'T ALLOW 'FOLLOWERS'; AND HERE, YOU HAVEN'T BEEN HERE A WEEK----"
=Cook.= "LAUKS, M'M, IT MUST BE ONE O' THE FOLLERERS AS THE LAST COOK LEFT
BE'IND 'ER!!"
Illustration: _Romance of the Kitchen._
=Cook= (_from the Area_). "O, 'LIZA, GI' ME MY WINIGRETTE--I'VE 'AD
A--OFFER--FROM THE DUSTMAN!!"
Illustration: "_Compliments of the Season._"
=Comely Housemaid.= "O, MR. JAMES, I'M SO FRIGHTENED IN THE RAILWAY!
SUPPOSE THE BILER WAS TO BUST!"
=Mr. James.= "THEN, MY DEAR, YOU'D BE A SINGIN' AMONG THE ANGELS IN ABOUT
TEN MINUTES!!"
Illustration: "Ready!"
=Emily.= "WHAT'S CAPITAL PUNISHMENT, MAMMA?"
=Master Harry.= "WHY, BEING LOCKED UP IN THE PANTRY! _I_ SHOULD CONSIDER
IT SO!"
Illustration: Dear, Dear Boy!
=George.= "OH! SHOULDN'T I JUST LIKE TO SEE SOMEBODY IN THAT DEN, AUNT!"
=Serious Aunt.= "YE-ES. DANIEL, I SUPPOSE, DEAR?"
=George.= "OH NO, AUNT; I MEAN 'OLD TWIGSBY,' OUR HEAD-MASTER!!"
Illustration: "Brother Brush."
=Ship-Painter.= "NICE DRYIN' WEATHER FOR OUR BUSINESS, AIN'T IT, SIR?"
=Amateur= (_disconcerted_). "YA-A-S!"----
_Takes a dislike to the place._
Illustration: "The Compliments of the (Sketching) Season."
=Papa.= "THERE, HENRY! IF YOU COULD DO LIKE THAT, I'D HAVE YOU _TAUGHT
DRAWING_, MY BOY!"
Illustration: A Pleasant Prospect.
=English Tourist.= "I SAY, LOOK HERE. HOW FAR IS IT TO THIS GLENSTARVIT?
THEY TOLD US IT WAS ONLY----"
=Native.= "ABOOT FOUR MILES."
=Tourist= (_aghast_). "ALL BOG LIKE THIS?"
=Native.= "EH--H--THIS IS JUST NAETHIN' TILL'T!!"
Illustration: Compliments of the Season.
=Squire= (_who interests himself with the Moral and Material Condition of
his Peasantry_). "HULLO, WOODRUFF! WHAT AN EYE YOU'VE GOT! HOW DID YOU
GET THAT?!"
=Labourer.= "O, IT'S NAWTHIN' PARTIC'LAR, SIR. LAST NIGHT--AT THE WHITE
'ART, SIR. BUT--(_in extenuation_)--CHRISHMASH TIME, SIR--ON'Y ONCE A
YEAR!"
Illustration: Two Sides to a Question.
=Squire.= "YOUR NAME SMITH?"
=Smith.= "YESSIR."
=Squire.= "AH, I UNDERSTAND YOU'RE THE MAN WHO GIVES SO MUCH TROUBLE TO MY
KEEPERS!"
=Smith.= "AX YER PARDON, SQUIRE, YOUR KEEPERS IS MUCH MORE TROUBLE TO
ME!"
Illustration: Suspicion!
=Stout Visitor= (_on discovering that, during his usual Nap after
Luncheon, he has been subjected to a grossly personal Practical Joke_).
"IT'S ONE O' THOSE DASHED ARTISTS THAT ARE STAYING AT THE 'LORD NELSON'
'A' DONE THIS, I KNOW!"
Illustration: Depression.
SCENE--_The Exchange. Industrial Centre._
=First Commercial Man= (_dryly_). "MORNIN'!"
=Second ditto= (_coldly_). "MORNIN'!"
=First C. M.= (_hopelessly_). "OWT?"
=Second ditto= (_mournfully_). "NOWT!"
=First C. M.= (_gloomily_). "MORNIN'!"
=Second ditto= (_despairingly_). "MORNIN'!"
_They part._
Illustration: Reductio ad Absurdum.
=Stout Party= (_the first time he went for his Dividends since his Aunt
left him that Legacy_). "WHERE DO YOU GO FOR THESE DIVIDEND WARRANTS?"
=Bank Beadle.= "WHAT STOCK, SIR?"
=Stout Party.= "WELL, THREE PER CENT. SOMETHING "----(_The word stuck in
his throat_).
=Bank Beadle.= "AH!--(_giving him the Information, and saying the word for
him_)--_REDOOCED,_ SIR!!"
_Stout Party sighs, and exit._
Illustration: "The More Haste the Less Speed."
=Intelligent Peasant= (_who has been overlooking our Artists with much
interest_). "YAR MATE'S A STAININ' O' HIS'N A'READY, SIR!"
Illustration: The Point of View.
=Tomkins= (_he has heard his friend Stodge talk so much about that lovely
spot Wobbleswick, whither he was going sketching, that he was induced to
accompany him. A day has elapsed, and he is awaking to the horror of his
situation!_) "SEEMS TO ME AN INFERN----I CALL IT RATHER A DULL PLACE!"
=Stodge.= "DULL, MY DEAR FELLOW! HOW CAN YOU SAY SO? LOOK AT THIS
BEAUTIFUL, BREEZY COMMON! AND THE LINES OF THOSE OLD HOUSES ON THE
BEACH, BREAKING THE HORIZON, AND THE COLOUR! AND THE JOLLY QUIET OF THE
PLACE! NONE O' YOUR BEASTLY BARREL-ORGANS OR GAPING TOURISTS SWARMING
ABOUT! I THOUGHT YOU'D LIKE IT!!"
Illustration: "Lucus a Non" &c.
=Visitor.= "HOW LONG HAS YOUR MASTER BEEN AWAY?"
=Irish Footman.= "WELL, SORR, IF HE'D COME HOME YISTHERDAY, HE'D A' BEEN
GONE A WAKE TO-MORROW; BUT EV HE DOESN'T RETURN THE DAY AFTHER, SHURE
HE'LL A' BEEN AWAY A FORTNIGHT NEXT THORSDAY!!"
Illustration: Hyperbole.
=Saxon Sportsman.= "ANY SNIPE ABOUT HERE, MY MAN?"
=Pat.= "SNIPES, IS IT?! FAIX, THEY'RE GINERALLY JOSTLIN' 'ACH OTHER
HEREABOUTS!"
Illustration: Real Irish Grievance.
=Irish Model= (_requested to put on rather a dilapidated costume_). "THE
BLISSED SAINTS DIRICT ME INTO THIS COAT, SOR!"
Illustration: Our Inspection.
=Lieutenant-Colonel.= "HULLO! CONFOUND IT! THERE'S A MAN BLOWING HIS
NOSE--AND WITH A POCKET-HANDKERCHIEF, TOO! TUT-T-T-T-T!"
Illustration: Hunting Appointments.
=Scientific Colonel.= "ARE YOU GOING TO THE 'KRIEGSPIEL' TO-MORROW?"
=Cavalry Sub.= (_Hunting Man_). "AUGH! 'THINK NOT, SIR. AUGH! 'MEET
THE-ARE, DO THEY? NEVAR HEARD OF THE PLACE! WHERWE ON EARTH IS I--T?"!!
Illustration: Encouraging!
=Riding-Master= (_to Sub. belonging to one of the new Mounted Batteries_).
"WELL, SIR! YOU'RE ALL 'OF A HEAP' ON THE HORSE'S NECK--YOU'VE LOST YOUR
SWORD AND YOUR FORAGE-CAP, AND YOU'VE LOST YOUR STIRRUPS--AND----YOU'LL
LOSE YOURSELF NEXT!!"
Illustration: "It's an Ill Wind" &c.
=Sporting Sub.= "I SHOULD LIKE TO HAVE MY LEAVE AS SOON AS POSSIBLE,
COLONEL, FOR I'VE JUST HEARD MY FATHER'S HAD A BAD FALL OUT HUNTING."
=Colonel.= "DEAR ME! I'M SORRY TO HEAR THAT! I HOPE HE'S NOT HURT!"
=Sporting Sub.= "OH, IT ISN'T THAT!--ONLY I WANT TO HAVE HIS HORSE!!"
Illustration: Particular!
=Adjutant of Volunteers= (_to Recruit_). "WELL, SIR, AND WHAT COMPANY DO
YOU WISH TO BE IN?"
=Recruit.= "AUGH! I'VE BEEN--AH--USED TO THE CO'PANY OF--AH--GE'TLEMEN,
SIR!!!!"
Illustration: The Last Word.
=Cabby= (_to stately Party, who has given him his legal Fare_). "MAKIN'
YER FORTUNE, SIR, NO DOUBT!"
=Swell= (_not exactly catching the Remark_). "EH?"
=Cabby.= "YOU'RE A LAYIN' BY A GOOD BIT O' MONEY, SIR, I'LL BE BOUND!"
=Swell= (_indignantly_). "What d'you mean, Sir?"
Cabby. "WHY YOU DON'T SPEND MUCH, SEEMIN'LY!"
_Drives off in triumph._
Illustration: A Dilemma.
=Cabby.= "ERE'S A GO, P'LICEMAN! WHAT AM I TO DO?--I VOS ORDERED TO TAKE
THESE 'ERE GENTS AS 'A BEEN A DININ' YOU SEE, TO THEIR 'SPECTABLE 'OMES,
VUN VOS FOR 'ANOVER SQUARE, ANOTHER FOR THE HALBANY, AND THE TOTHERS
ELSEVERES----VELL, THEY VOS ALL CAREFULLY SORTED VEN I STARTED, AN' NOW
THEY'VE BEEN AN' GONE AN' MIXED THE'RSELVES UP, AN' I DON'T KNOW VICH IS
VICH!!"
Illustration: Too True!
=Mamma.= "MY DEAR CHILD, WHERE DID YOU GET THAT DREADFUL SCRATCH ON YOUR
ARM?"
=Little Ada.= "OH, 'MA, IT WAS 'LISBETH'S BIG BRASS BROOCH WITH THE GREEN
GLASS IN IT, THAT THE TALL SOLDIER GAVE HER!"
Illustration: "Once for All."
=Mistress.= "BY THE WAY--ANNA--HANNAH--I'M NOT SURE. IS YOUR NAME ANNA, OR
HANNAH?"
=New Cook= (_tartly_). "WHICH MY NAME IS ANNA, MUM--HAICH, HA, HEN, HEN,
HA, HAICH,--'ANNA'"----
=Mistress= (_giving it up in despair_). "AH! THANK YOU."
Illustration: Up and Down Stairs.
=Young Mistress= (_at the Parlour Door_). "ELIZA, WHAT IS THAT BELL
RINGING FOR SO VIOLENTLY?"
=Cook= (_below_). "IT'S ON'Y ME, M'UM. I WANT YOU DOWN IN THE KITCHING A
MINUTE!!"
Illustration: Terms--Cash.
=Lady Bountiful.= "HERE, MY GOOD MAN, HERE'S A TICKET FOR THE ORGANISING
CHARITABLE RELIEF AND REPRESSING MENDI----"
=Professional Beggar= (_with a sneer_). "O, THANKY FOR NOTHINK, MUM,
_HOURS IS A READY MONEY BUSINESS_!"
Illustration: Gratitude.
=Fastidious Vagrant.= "AND THEY AIN'T 'ALF BUTTERED! I COULD 'A DONE AS
WELL IF I'D GONE UP THE LANE TO THE 'UNION!'"
Illustration: Music of the Future. Sensation Opera.
=Manager= (_to his Primo Tenore, triumphantly_). "MY DEAR FELLOW, I'VE
BROUGHT YOU THE SCORE OF THE NEW OPERA. WE'VE ARRANGED SUCH A SCENE FOR
YOU IN THE THIRD ACT! O' BOARD OF THE PIRATE SCREW, AFTER THE
KEELHAULING SCENE, YOU KNOW! HEAVY ROLLING SEA, EH?--YES, AND WE CAN
HAVE SOME REAL SPRAY PUMPED ON TO YOU FROM THE FIRE-ENGINE! VOLUMES OF
SMOKE FROM THE FUNNEL, CLOSE BEHIND YOUR HEAD--IN FACT, YOU'LL BE
ENVELOPED AS YOU RUSH ON TO THE BRIDGE! AND THEN YOU'LL SING THAT LOVELY
BARCAROLLE THROUGH THE SPEAKING-TRUMPET! AND MIND YOU HOLD TIGHT, AS THE
SHIP BLOWS UP JUST AS YOU COME UPON YOUR HIGH D IN THE LAST BAR!!!"
Illustration: Club Law.
=Waiter.= "DID YOU RING, SIR?"
=Member= (_trying to be calm_). "YES. WILL YOU WAKE THIS GENTLEMAN, AND
SAY I SHOULD BE OBLIGED IF HE'D LET ME HAVE THE _SPECTATOR_, IF HE'S NOT
READING IT."
_Old Wacklethorpe has been asleep, with the Paper firmly clutched, for
the last two hours._
Illustration: "'High' Life Below Stairs!"
=Master= (_sniffing_). "THERE'S A MOST EXTRAORDINARY SMELL, JAMES. I'VE
NOTICED IT SEVERAL----"
=Hall Porter.= "I DON'T WONDER AT IT, SIR. I'VE SPOKE ABOUT IT
DOWN-STAIRS. THE BUTLER, SIR, YOU SEE IS ''IGH CHURCH,' WHICH HE 'AS FIT
UP A HORATORY IN THE PANTRY, AND BURNS HINCENSE. WE COULD STAND THAT;
BUT THE COOK IS THE 'LOW CHURCH' PERSUASION, AND SHE BURNS BROWN PAPER
TO HOBVIATE THE HINCENSE. IT'S PERFECTLY HAWFUL ON SAINTS' DAYS,
SIR!!!"
Illustration: Wages and Wives.
=Philanthropic Farmer.= "WELL, TOMKINS, AFTER THIS WEEK, INSTEAD OF PAYING
YOU PARTLY IN CIDER, I SHALL GIVE YOU TWO SHILLINGS EXTRA WAGES."
=Tomkins.= "NO, THANKY', MASTER; THAT WON'T DO FOR ME!"
=Farmer.= "WHY, MAN, YOU'LL BE THE GAINER; FOR THE CIDER YOU HAD WASN'T
WORTH TWO SHILLINGS!"
=Tomkins. ="AH, BUT YOU SEE I DRINKS THE CIDER MYSELF; BUT THE OW'D OOMAN
'LL 'EV THE TWO SHILLUN'!!"
Illustration: Pursuit o' Knowledge!
=First Agricultural= (_quite a Year after our Branch had been Opened_).
"WHAT BE THEY POST-ES VUR, MAS'R SAM'L?"
=Second Ditto= (_Wag of the Village_). "WHY, TO CARRY THE TELEGRAFT
WOIRES, GEARGE!"
=First Ditto.= "WHAT BE THE WOIRES VUR, THEN?"
=Second Ditto.= "WHAT BE THE WOIRES FUR? WHY, TO HOOLD UP THE POST-ES,
SART'N'Y, GEARGE."!!!
Illustration: A Nice Prospect!
=Traveller= (_benighted in the Black Country_). "NOT A BEDROOM DISENGAGED!
TUT-T-T-T!"
=Landlady= (_who is evidently in the Coal Business as well_). "OH, WE'LL
ACCOMMODATE YOU SOMEHOW, SIR, IF ME AND MY 'USBAND GIVES YOU UP OUR OWN
BED, SIR!"
Illustration: Boon Companions!
=Bargee.= "WHAT! GE-ARGE!"
_Rustic grins in response._
=Bargee.= "I'M ALLUS MAIN GLAD TO SEE THEE, GE-ARGE!"
=Rustic.= "WHOY?"
=Bargee.= "'CAUSE I KNOW THERE MUST BE A PUBLIC-'OUSE CLOSE BY!"
Illustration: Bereaved.
=First Pitman.= "THOU HESSENT BEEN AT THE TOUN LATELY, GEORDIE. HOO'S
THAT, MAN?"
=Second Pitman.= "THOU KNAWS THE DOG'S DEED, AND AW KENNET GETTEN ANOTHER;
AN' A CHAP LECKS SA FOND WITOUT A DOG!"
Illustration: Geology.
=Scientific Pedestrian.= "DO YOU FIND ANY FOSSILS HERE?"
=Excavator.= "DUNNO WHAT YUH CALLS 'VOSSULS.' WE FINDS NOWT HERE BUT MUCK
AND 'ARD WORK!"