First Class in Politics, stand up.
First boy--Define politics as an art.
Politics are the art of eating, drinking, sleeping, and wearing good
clothes at the public expense.
Next--Is taking presents of houses, horses, &c., included in this art?
No sir, that's a natural gift.
Who invented politics?
It has been stated by Mr. SUMNER that politics were well known to the
early Greeks and Romans; but they were first reduced to an art by T.
WEED.
What are the elements of success in politics?
Cheek and stamps.
At what place is this art most cultivated?
At Washington.
How many classes of politicians are there?
Three: big strikes, little strikes, and repeaters.
Define them.
Big strikes are those who, when they make a haul, mean business. Little
strikes are those who look after the pence, while the big strikes are
looking after the pounds. Both these classes have steady occupation.
Repeaters are little strikes who are employed only at election time.
Where are they found?
In both the Republican and Democratic schools.
JOHN SMITH, go to the board and do this example: If the House of
Representatives has a Republican majority of thirty, and it remains in
session until 8 P.M. on the 4th of July, at what time will a Democrat,
whose seat is contested by a Republican, obtain that seat?
THOMAS BROWN, you can try the same example with the Assembly at Albany,
only taking the majority as Democratic, and the man whose seat is
contested as Republican.
Next boy--Who are the most successful artists among politicians?
Carpet-baggers.
What is the art now called in the South?
Black art.
Why?
Because the leading artists there are of an off color.
JOHN SMITH, have you finished your example?
Yes, sir.
When will that Democrat be admitted, if the session ends at 8 P.M. on
the 4th of July?
At 5 minutes after 8 on that day.
THOMAS BROWN, what is your answer? When will that Republican be
admitted?
At 5 minutes after 8 P.M. on the 4th of July.
Both correct. That proves that politics have been reduced to a fine art.
The class is dismissed.
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