folded me to his heart, uttering the endearing appellation of
'child.'--My more than father! why was I not permitted to perform the
last duties of one, and smooth the pillow of death? He seemed by his
manner to be convinced that he should never see me more; yet requested
me, most earnestly, to come to him, should I be obliged to leave my
husband. He had before expressed his sorrow at hearing of my pregnancy,
having determined to prevail on me to accompany him, till I informed him
of that circumstance. He expressed himself unfeignedly sorry that any new
tie should bind me to a man whom he thought so incapable of estimating my
value; such was the kind language of affection.
"I must repeat his own words; they made an indelible impression on my
mind:
"'The marriage state is certainly that in which women, generally
speaking, can be most useful; but I am far from thinking that a woman,
once married, ought to consider the engagement as indissoluble
(especially if there be no children to reward her for sacrificing her
feelings) in case her husband merits neither her love, nor esteem. Esteem
will often supply the place of love; and prevent a woman from being
wretched, though it may not make her happy. The magnitude of a sacrifice
ought always to bear some proportion to the utility in view; and for a
woman to live with a man, for whom she can cherish neither affection nor
esteem, or even be of any use to him, excepting in the light of a
house-keeper, is an abjectness of condition, the enduring of which no
concurrence of circumstances can ever make a duty in the sight of God or
just men. If indeed she submits to it merely to be maintained in
idleness, she has no right to complain bitterly of her fate; or to act,
as a person of independent character might, as if she had a title to
disregard general rules.
"'But the misfortune is, that many women only submit in appearance, and
forfeit their own respect to secure their reputation in the world. The
situation of a woman separated from her husband, is undoubtedly very
different from that of a man who has left his wife. He, with lordly
dignity, has shaken of a clog; and the allowing her food and raiment, is
thought sufficient to secure his reputation from taint. And, should she
have been inconsiderate, he will be celebrated for his generosity and
forbearance. Such is the respect paid to the master-key of property! A
woman, on the contrary, resigning what is termed her natural protector
(though he never was so, but in name) is despised and shunned, for
asserting the independence of mind distinctive of a rational being, and
spurning at slavery.'
"During the remainder of the evening, my uncle's tenderness led him
frequently to revert to the subject, and utter, with increasing warmth,
sentiments to the same purport. At length it was necessary to say
'Farewell!'--and we parted--gracious God! to meet no more.
CHAP. XI.
"A GENTLEMAN of large fortune and of polished manners, had lately visited
very frequently at our house, and treated me, if possible, with more
respect than Mr. Venables paid him; my pregnancy was not yet visible, his
society was a great relief to me, as I had for some time past, to avoid
expence, confined myself very much at home. I ever disdained unnecessary,
perhaps even prudent concealments; and my husband, with great ease,
discovered the amount of my uncle's parting present. A copy of a writ was
the stale pretext to extort it from me; and I had soon reason to believe
that it was fabricated for the purpose. I acknowledge my folly in thus
suffering myself to be continually imposed on. I had adhered to my
resolution not to apply to my uncle, on the part of my husband, any more;
yet, when I had received a sum sufficient to supply my own wants, and to
enable me to pursue a plan I had in view, to settle my younger brother in
a respectable employment, I allowed myself to be duped by Mr. Venables'
shallow pretences, and hypocritical professions.
"Thus did he pillage me and my family, thus frustrate all my plans of
usefulness. Yet this was the man I was bound to respect and esteem: as if
respect and esteem depended on an arbitrary will of our own! But a wife
being as much a man's property as his horse, or his ass, she has nothing
she can call her own. He may use any means to get at what the law
considers as his, the moment his wife is in possession of it, even to the
forcing of a lock, as Mr. Venables did, to search for notes in my
writing-desk--and all this is done with a show of equity, because,
forsooth, he is responsible for her maintenance.
"The tender mother cannot _lawfully_ snatch from the gripe of the
gambling spendthrift, or beastly drunkard, unmindful of his offspring,
the fortune which falls to her by chance; or (so flagrant is the
injustice) what she earns by her own exertions. No; he can rob her with
impunity, even to waste publicly on a courtezan; and the laws of her
country--if women have a country--afford her no protection or redress
from the oppressor, unless she have the plea of bodily fear; yet how
many ways are there of goading the soul almost to madness, equally
unmanly, though not so mean? When such laws were framed, should not
impartial lawgivers have first decreed, in the style of a great assembly,
who recognized the existence of an _être suprême_, to fix the national
belief, that the husband should always be wiser and more virtuous than
his wife, in order to entitle him, with a show of justice, to keep this
idiot, or perpetual minor, for ever in bondage. But I must have done--on
this subject, my indignation continually runs away with me.
"The company of the gentleman I have already mentioned, who had a general
acquaintance with literature and subjects of taste, was grateful to me;
my countenance brightened up as he approached, and I unaffectedly
expressed the pleasure I felt. The amusement his conversation afforded
me, made it easy to comply with my husband's request, to endeavour to
render our house agreeable to him.
"His attentions became more pointed; but, as I was not of the number of
women, whose virtue, as it is termed, immediately takes alarm, I
endeavoured, rather by raillery than serious expostulation, to give a
different turn to his conversation. He assumed a new mode of attack, and
I was, for a while, the dupe of his pretended friendship.
"I had, merely in the style of _badinage_, boasted of my conquest, and
repeated his lover-like compliments to my husband. But he begged me, for
God's sake, not to affront his friend, or I should destroy all his
projects, and be his ruin. Had I had more affection for my husband, I
should have expressed my contempt of this time-serving politeness: now I
imagined that I only felt pity; yet it would have puzzled a casuist to
point out in what the exact difference consisted.
"This friend began now, in confidence, to discover to me the real state
of my husband's affairs. 'Necessity,' said Mr. S----; why should I reveal
his name? for he affected to palliate the conduct he could not excuse,
'had led him to take such steps, by accommodation bills, buying goods on
credit, to sell them for ready money, and similar transactions, that his
character in the commercial world was gone. He was considered,' he added,
lowering his voice, 'on 'Change as a swindler.'
"I felt at that moment the first maternal pang. Aware of the evils my sex
have to struggle with, I still wished, for my own consolation, to be the
mother of a daughter; and I could not bear to think, that the _sins_ of
her father's entailed disgrace, should be added to the ills to which
woman is heir.
"So completely was I deceived by these shows of friendship (nay, I
believe, according to his interpretation, Mr. S--really was my friend)
that I began to consult him respecting the best mode of retrieving my
husband's character: it is the good name of a woman only that sets to
rise no more. I knew not that he had been drawn into a whirlpool, out of
which he had not the energy to attempt to escape. He seemed indeed
destitute of the power of employing his faculties in any regular
pursuit. His principles of action were so loose, and his mind so
uncultivated, that every thing like order appeared to him in the shape of
restraint; and, like men in the savage state, he required the strong
stimulus of hope or fear, produced by wild speculations, in which the
interests of others went for nothing, to keep his spirits awake. He one
time possessed patriotism, but he knew not what it was to feel honest
indignation; and pretended to be an advocate for liberty, when, with as
little affection for the human race as for individuals, he thought of
nothing but his own gratification. He was just such a citizen, as a
father. The sums he adroitly obtained by a violation of the laws of his
country, as well as those of humanity, he would allow a mistress to
squander; though she was, with the same _sang froid_, consigned, as were
his children, to poverty, when another proved more attractive.
"On various pretences, his friend continued to visit me; and, observing
my want of money, he tried to induce me to accept of pecuniary aid; but
this offer I absolutely rejected, though it was made with such delicacy,
I could not be displeased.
"One day he came, as I thought accidentally, to dinner. My husband was
very much engaged in business, and quitted the room soon after the cloth
was removed. We conversed as usual, till confidential advice led again to
love. I was extremely mortified. I had a sincere regard for him, and
hoped that he had an equal friendship for me. I therefore began mildly to
expostulate with him. This gentleness he mistook for coy encouragement;
and he would not be diverted from the subject. Perceiving his mistake, I
seriously asked him how, using such language to me, he could profess to
be my husband's friend? A significant sneer excited my curiosity, and he,
supposing this to be my only scruple, took a letter deliberately out of
his pocket, saying, 'Your husband's honour is not inflexible. How could
you, with your discernment, think it so? Why, he left the room this very
day on purpose to give me an opportunity to explain myself; _he_ thought
me too timid--too tardy.'
"I snatched the letter with indescribable emotion. The purport of it was
to invite him to dinner, and to ridicule his chivalrous respect for me.
He assured him, 'that every woman had her price, and, with gross
indecency, hinted, that he should be glad to have the duty of a husband
taken off his hands. These he termed _liberal sentiments_. He advised him
not to shock my romantic notions, but to attack my credulous generosity,
and weak pity; and concluded with requesting him to lend him five hundred
pounds for a month or six weeks.' I read this letter twice over; and the
firm purpose it inspired, calmed the rising tumult of my soul. I rose
deliberately, requested Mr. S---- to wait a moment, and instantly going
into the counting-house, desired Mr. Venables to return with me to the
dining-parlour.
"He laid down his pen, and entered with me, without observing any change
in my countenance. I shut the door, and, giving him the letter, simply
asked, 'whether he wrote it, or was it a forgery?'
"Nothing could equal his confusion. His friend's eye met his, and he
muttered something about a joke--But I interrupted him--'It is
sufficient--We part for ever.'
"I continued, with solemnity, 'I have borne with your tyranny and
infidelities. I disdain to utter what I have borne with. I thought you
unprincipled, but not so decidedly vicious. I formed a tie, in the sight
of heaven--I have held it sacred; even when men, more conformable to my
taste, have made me feel--I despise all subterfuge!--that I was not dead
to love. Neglected by you, I have resolutely stifled the enticing
emotions, and respected the plighted faith you outraged. And you dare now
to insult me, by selling me to prostitution!--Yes--equally lost to
delicacy and principle--you dared sacrilegiously to barter the honour of
the mother of your child.'
"Then, turning to Mr. S----, I added, 'I call on you, Sir, to witness,'
and I lifted my hands and eyes to heaven, 'that, as solemnly as I took
his name, I now abjure it,' I pulled off my ring, and put it on the
table; 'and that I mean immediately to quit his house, never to enter it
more. I will provide for myself and child. I leave him as free as I am
determined to be myself--he shall be answerable for no debts of mine.'
"Astonishment closed their lips, till Mr. Venables, gently pushing his
friend, with a forced smile, out of the room, nature for a moment
prevailed, and, appearing like himself, he turned round, burning with
rage, to me: but there was no terror in the frown, excepting when
contrasted with the malignant smile which preceded it. He bade me 'leave
the house at my peril; told me he despised my threats; I had no resource;
I could not swear the peace against him!--I was not afraid of my
life!--he had never struck me!'
"He threw the letter in the fire, which I had incautiously left in his
hands; and, quitting the room, locked the door on me.
"When left alone, I was a moment or two before I could recollect myself.
One scene had succeeded another with such rapidity, I almost doubted
whether I was reflecting on a real event. 'Was it possible? Was I,
indeed, free?'--Yes; free I termed myself, when I decidedly perceived
the conduct I ought to adopt. How had I panted for liberty--liberty, that
I would have purchased at any price, but that of my own esteem! I rose,
and shook myself; opened the window, and methought the air never smelled
so sweet. The face of heaven grew fairer as I viewed it, and the clouds
seemed to flit away obedient to my wishes, to give my soul room to
expand. I was all soul, and (wild as it may appear) felt as if I could
have dissolved in the soft balmy gale that kissed my cheek, or have
glided below the horizon on the glowing, descending beams. A seraphic
satisfaction animated, without agitating my spirits; and my imagination
collected, in visions sublimely terrible, or soothingly beautiful, an
immense variety of the endless images, which nature affords, and fancy
combines, of the grand and fair. The lustre of these bright picturesque
sketches faded with the setting sun; but I was still alive to the calm
delight they had diffused through my heart.
"There may be advocates for matrimonial obedience, who, making a
distinction between the duty of a wife and of a human being, may blame my
conduct.--To them I write not--my feelings are not for them to analyze;
and may you, my child, never be able to ascertain, by heart-rending
experience, what your mother felt before the present emancipation of her
mind!
"I began to write a letter to my father, after closing one to my uncle;
not to ask advice, but to signify my determination; when I was
interrupted by the entrance of Mr. Venables. His manner was changed. His
views on my uncle's fortune made him averse to my quitting his house, or
he would, I am convinced, have been glad to have shaken off even the
slight restraint my presence imposed on him; the restraint of showing me
some respect. So far from having an affection for me, he really hated me,
because he was convinced that I must despise him.
"He told me, that, 'As I now had had time to cool and reflect, he did not
doubt but that my prudence, and nice sense of propriety, would lead me to
overlook what was passed.'
"'Reflection,' I replied, 'had only confirmed my purpose, and no power on
earth could divert me from it.'
"Endeavouring to assume a soothing voice and look, when he would
willingly have tortured me, to force me to feel his power, his
countenance had an infernal expression, when he desired me, 'Not to
expose myself to the servants, by obliging him to confine me in my
apartment; if then I would give my promise not to quit the house
precipitately, I should be free--and--.' I declared, interrupting him,
'that I would promise nothing. I had no measures to keep with him--I was
resolved, and would not condescend to subterfuge.'
"He muttered, 'that I should soon repent of these preposterous airs;'
and, ordering tea to be carried into my little study, which had a
communication with my bed-chamber, he once more locked the door upon me,
and left me to my own meditations. I had passively followed him up
stairs, not wishing to fatigue myself with unavailing exertion.
"Nothing calms the mind like a fixed purpose. I felt as if I had heaved
a thousand weight from my heart; the atmosphere seemed lightened; and, if
I execrated the institutions of society, which thus enable men to
tyrannize over women, it was almost a disinterested sentiment. I
disregarded present inconveniences, when my mind had done struggling with
itself,--when reason and inclination had shaken hands and were at peace.
I had no longer the cruel task before me, in endless perspective, aye,
during the tedious for ever of life, of labouring to overcome my
repugnance--of labouring to extinguish the hopes, the maybes of a lively
imagination. Death I had hailed as my only chance for deliverance; but,
while existence had still so many charms, and life promised happiness, I
shrunk from the icy arms of an unknown tyrant, though far more inviting
than those of the man, to whom I supposed myself bound without any other
alternative; and was content to linger a little longer, waiting for I
knew not what, rather than leave 'the warm precincts of the cheerful
day,' and all the unenjoyed affection of my nature.
"My present situation gave a new turn to my reflection; and I wondered
(now the film seemed to be withdrawn, that obscured the piercing sight of
reason) how I could, previously to the deciding outrage, have considered
myself as everlastingly united to vice and folly? 'Had an evil genius
cast a spell at my birth; or a demon stalked out of chaos, to perplex my
understanding, and enchain my will, with delusive prejudices?'
"I pursued this train of thinking; it led me out of myself, to expatiate
on the misery peculiar to my sex. 'Are not,' I thought, 'the despots for
ever stigmatized, who, in the wantonness of power, commanded even the
most atrocious criminals to be chained to dead bodies? though surely
those laws are much more inhuman, which forge adamantine fetters to bind
minds together, that never can mingle in social communion! What indeed
can equal the wretchedness of that state, in which there is no
alternative, but to extinguish the affections, or encounter infamy?'
CHAP. XII.
"TOWARDS midnight Mr. Venables entered my chamber; and, with calm
audacity preparing to go to bed, he bade me make haste, 'for that was the
best place for husbands and wives to end their differences. He had been
drinking plentifully to aid his courage.
"I did not at first deign to reply. But perceiving that he affected to
take my silence for consent, I told him that, 'If he would not go to
another bed, or allow me, I should sit up in my study all night.' He
attempted to pull me into the chamber, half joking. But I resisted; and,
as he had determined not to give me any reason for saying that he used
violence, after a few more efforts, he retired, cursing my obstinacy, to
bed.
"I sat musing some time longer; then, throwing my cloak around me,
prepared for sleep on a sopha. And, so fortunate seemed my deliverance,
so sacred the pleasure of being thus wrapped up in myself, that I slept
profoundly, and woke with a mind composed to encounter the struggles of
the day. Mr. Venables did not wake till some hours after; and then he
came to me half-dressed, yawning and stretching, with haggard eyes, as if
he scarcely recollected what had passed the preceding evening. He fixed
his eyes on me for a moment, then, calling me a fool, asked 'How long I
intended to continue this pretty farce? For his part, he was devilish
sick of it; but this was the plague of marrying women who pretended to
know something.'
"I made no other reply to this harangue, than to say, 'That he ought to
be glad to get rid of a woman so unfit to be his companion--and that any
change in my conduct would be mean dissimulation; for maturer reflection
only gave the sacred seal of reason to my first resolution.'
"He looked as if he could have stamped with impatience, at being obliged
to stifle his rage; but, conquering his anger (for weak people, whose
passions seem the most ungovernable, restrain them with the greatest
ease, when they have a sufficient motive), he exclaimed, 'Very pretty,
upon my soul! very pretty, theatrical flourishes! Pray, fair Roxana,
stoop from your altitudes, and remember that you are acting a part in
real life.'
"He uttered this speech with a self-satisfied air, and went down stairs
to dress.
"In about an hour he came to me again; and in the same tone said, 'That
he came as my gentleman-usher to hand me down to breakfast.
"'Of the black rod?' asked I.
"This question, and the tone in which I asked it, a little disconcerted
him. To say the truth, I now felt no resentment; my firm resolution to
free myself from my ignoble thraldom, had absorbed the various emotions
which, during six years, had racked my soul. The duty pointed out by my
principles seemed clear; and not one tender feeling intruded to make me
swerve: The dislike which my husband had inspired was strong; but it only
led me to wish to avoid, to wish to let him drop out of my memory; there
was no misery, no torture that I would not deliberately have chosen,
rather than renew my lease of servitude.
"During the breakfast, he attempted to reason with me on the folly of
romantic sentiments; for this was the indiscriminate epithet he gave to
every mode of conduct or thinking superior to his own. He asserted, 'that
all the world were governed by their own interest; those who pretended to
be actuated by different motives, were only deeper knaves, or fools
crazed by books, who took for gospel all the rodomantade nonsense written
by men who knew nothing of the world. For his part, he thanked God, he
was no hypocrite; and, if he stretched a point sometimes, it was always
with an intention of paying every man his own.'
"He then artfully insinuated, 'that he daily expected a vessel to
arrive, a successful speculation, that would make him easy for the
present, and that he had several other schemes actually depending, that
could not fail. He had no doubt of becoming rich in a few years, though
he had been thrown back by some unlucky adventures at the setting out.'
"I mildly replied, 'That I wished he might not involve himself still
deeper.'
"He had no notion that I was governed by a decision of judgment, not to
be compared with a mere spurt of resentment. He knew not what it was to
feel indignation against vice, and often boasted of his placable temper,
and readiness to forgive injuries. True; for he only considered the being
deceived, as an effort of skill he had not guarded against; and then,
with a cant of candour, would observe, 'that he did not know how he
might himself have been tempted to act in the same circumstances.' And,
as his heart never opened to friendship, it never was wounded by
disappointment. Every new acquaintance he protested, it is true, was 'the
cleverest fellow in the world;' and he really thought so; till the
novelty of his conversation or manners ceased to have any effect on his
sluggish spirits. His respect for rank or fortune was more permanent,
though he chanced to have no design of availing himself of the influence
of either to promote his own views.
"After a prefatory conversation,--my blood (I thought it had been cooler)
flushed over my whole countenance as he spoke--he alluded to my
situation. He desired me to reflect--'and act like a prudent woman, as
the best proof of my superior understanding; for he must own I had sense,
did I know how to use it. I was not,' he laid a stress on his words,
'without my passions; and a husband was a convenient cloke.--He was
liberal in his way of thinking; and why might not we, like many other
married people, who were above vulgar prejudices, tacitly consent to let
each other follow their own inclination?--He meant nothing more, in the
letter I made the ground of complaint; and the pleasure which I seemed to
take in Mr. S.'s company, led him to conclude, that he was not
disagreeable to me.'
"A clerk brought in the letters of the day, and I, as I often did, while
he was discussing subjects of business, went to the _piano forte_, and
began to play a favourite air to restore myself, as it were, to nature,
and drive the sophisticated sentiments I had just been obliged to listen
to, out of my soul.