squalid inhabitants of some of the lanes and back streets of the
metropolis, mortified at being compelled to consider them as my
fellow-creatures, as if an ape had claimed kindred with me. Or, as when
surrounded by a mephitical fog, I have wished to have a volley of cannon
fired, to clear the incumbered atmosphere, and give me room to breathe
and move.
"My spirits were all in arms, and I played a kind of extemporary prelude.
The cadence was probably wild and impassioned, while, lost in thought, I
made the sounds a kind of echo to my train of thinking.
"Pausing for a moment, I met Mr. Venables' eyes. He was observing me with
an air of conceited satisfaction, as much as to say--'My last insinuation
has done the business--she begins to know her own interest.' Then
gathering up his letters, he said, 'That he hoped he should hear no more
romantic stuff, well enough in a miss just come from boarding school;'
and went, as was his custom, to the counting-house. I still continued
playing; and, turning to a sprightly lesson, I executed it with uncommon
vivacity. I heard footsteps approach the door, and was soon convinced
that Mr. Venables was listening; the consciousness only gave more
animation to my fingers. He went down into the kitchen, and the cook,
probably by his desire, came to me, to know what I would please to order
for dinner. Mr. Venables came into the parlour again, with apparent
carelessness. I perceived that the cunning man was over-reaching himself;
and I gave my directions as usual, and left the room.
"While I was making some alteration in my dress, Mr. Venables peeped in,
and, begging my pardon for interrupting me, disappeared. I took up some
work (I could not read), and two or three messages were sent to me,
probably for no other purpose, but to enable Mr. Venables to ascertain
what I was about.
"I listened whenever I heard the street-door open; at last I imagined I
could distinguish Mr. Venables' step, going out. I laid aside my work;
my heart palpitated; still I was afraid hastily to enquire; and I waited
a long half hour, before I ventured to ask the boy whether his master was
in the counting-house?
"Being answered in the negative, I bade him call me a coach, and
collecting a few necessaries hastily together, with a little parcel of
letters and papers which I had collected the preceding evening, I hurried
into it, desiring the coachman to drive to a distant part of the town.
"I almost feared that the coach would break down before I got out of the
street; and, when I turned the corner, I seemed to breathe a freer air. I
was ready to imagine that I was rising above the thick atmosphere of
earth; or I felt, as wearied souls might be supposed to feel on entering
another state of existence.
"I stopped at one or two stands of coaches to elude pursuit, and then
drove round the skirts of the town to seek for an obscure lodging, where
I wished to remain concealed, till I could avail myself of my uncle's
protection. I had resolved to assume my own name immediately, and openly
to avow my determination, without any formal vindication, the moment I
had found a home, in which I could rest free from the daily alarm of
expecting to see Mr. Venables enter.
"I looked at several lodgings; but finding that I could not, without a
reference to some acquaintance, who might inform my tyrant, get
admittance into a decent apartment--men have not all this trouble--I
thought of a woman whom I had assisted to furnish a little haberdasher's
shop, and who I knew had a first floor to let.
"I went to her, and though I could not persuade her, that the quarrel
between me and Mr. Venables would never be made up, still she agreed to
conceal me for the present; yet assuring me at the same time, shaking her
head, that, when a woman was once married, she must bear every thing. Her
pale face, on which appeared a thousand haggard lines and delving
wrinkles, produced by what is emphatically termed fretting, inforced her
remark; and I had afterwards an opportunity of observing the treatment
she had to endure, which grizzled her into patience. She toiled from
morning till night; yet her husband would rob the till, and take away the
money reserved for paying bills; and, returning home drunk, he would
beat her if she chanced to offend him, though she had a child at the
breast.
"These scenes awoke me at night; and, in the morning, I heard her, as
usual, talk to her dear Johnny--he, forsooth, was her master; no slave in
the West Indies had one more despotic; but fortunately she was of the
true Russian breed of wives.
"My mind, during the few past days, seemed, as it were, disengaged from
my body; but, now the struggle was over, I felt very forcibly the effect
which perturbation of spirits produces on a woman in my situation.
"The apprehension of a miscarriage, obliged me to confine myself to my
apartment near a fortnight; but I wrote to my uncle's friend for money,
promising 'to call on him, and explain my situation, when I was well
enough to go out; mean time I earnestly intreated him, not to mention my
place of abode to any one, lest my husband--such the law considered
him--should disturb the mind he could not conquer. I mentioned my
intention of setting out for Lisbon, to claim my uncle's protection, the
moment my health would permit.'
"The tranquillity however, which I was recovering, was soon interrupted.
My landlady came up to me one day, with eyes swollen with weeping, unable
to utter what she was commanded to say. She declared, 'That she was never
so miserable in her life; that she must appear an ungrateful monster; and
that she would readily go down on her knees to me, to intreat me to
forgive her, as she had done to her husband to spare her the cruel task.'
Sobs prevented her from proceeding, or answering my impatient enquiries,
to know what she meant.
"When she became a little more composed, she took a newspaper out of her
pocket, declaring, 'that her heart smote her, but what could she do?--she
must obey her husband.' I snatched the paper from her. An advertisement
quickly met my eye, purporting, that 'Maria Venables had, without any
assignable cause, absconded from her husband; and any person harbouring
her, was menaced with the utmost severity of the law.'
"Perfectly acquainted with Mr. Venables' meanness of soul, this step did
not excite my surprise, and scarcely my contempt. Resentment in my
breast, never survived love. I bade the poor woman, in a kind tone, wipe
her eyes, and request her husband to come up, and speak to me himself.
"My manner awed him. He respected a lady, though not a woman; and began
to mutter out an apology.
"'Mr. Venables was a rich gentleman; he wished to oblige me, but he had
suffered enough by the law already, to tremble at the thought; besides,
for certain, we should come together again, and then even I should not
thank him for being accessary to keeping us asunder.--A husband and wife
were, God knows, just as one,--and all would come round at last.' He
uttered a drawling 'Hem!' and then with an arch look, added--'Master
might have had his little frolics--but--Lord bless your heart!--men
would be men while the world stands.'
"To argue with this privileged first-born of reason, I perceived, would
be vain. I therefore only requested him to let me remain another day at
his house, while I sought for a lodging; and not to inform Mr. Venables
that I had ever been sheltered there.
"He consented, because he had not the courage to refuse a person for whom
he had an habitual respect; but I heard the pent-up choler burst forth in
curses, when he met his wife, who was waiting impatiently at the foot of
the stairs, to know what effect my expostulations would have on him.
"Without wasting any time in the fruitless indulgence of vexation, I once
more set out in search of an abode in which I could hide myself for a
few weeks.
"Agreeing to pay an exorbitant price, I hired an apartment, without any
reference being required relative to my character: indeed, a glance at my
shape seemed to say, that my motive for concealment was sufficiently
obvious. Thus was I obliged to shroud my head in infamy.
"To avoid all danger of detection--I use the appropriate word, my child,
for I was hunted out like a felon--I determined to take possession of my
new lodgings that very evening.
"I did not inform my landlady where I was going. I knew that she had a
sincere affection for me, and would willingly have run any risk to show
her gratitude; yet I was fully convinced, that a few kind words from
Johnny would have found the woman in her, and her dear benefactress, as
she termed me in an agony of tears, would have been sacrificed, to
recompense her tyrant for condescending to treat her like an equal. He
could be kind-hearted, as she expressed it, when he pleased. And this
thawed sternness, contrasted with his habitual brutality, was the more
acceptable, and could not be purchased at too dear a rate.
"The sight of the advertisement made me desirous of taking refuge with my
uncle, let what would be the consequence; and I repaired in a hackney
coach (afraid of meeting some person who might chance to know me, had I
walked) to the chambers of my uncle's friend.
"He received me with great politeness (my uncle had already prepossessed
him in my favour), and listened, with interest, to my explanation of the
motives which had induced me to fly from home, and skulk in obscurity,
with all the timidity of fear that ought only to be the companion of
guilt. He lamented, with rather more gallantry than, in my situation, I
thought delicate, that such a woman should be thrown away on a man
insensible to the charms of beauty or grace. He seemed at a loss what to
advise me to do, to evade my husband's search, without hastening to my
uncle, whom, he hesitating said, I might not find alive. He uttered this
intelligence with visible regret; requested me, at least, to wait for the
arrival of the next packet; offered me what money I wanted, and promised
to visit me.
"He kept his word; still no letter arrived to put an end to my painful
state of suspense. I procured some books and music, to beguile the
tedious solitary days.
'Come, ever smiling Liberty,
'And with thee bring thy jocund train:'
I sung--and sung till, saddened by the strain of joy, I bitterly lamented
the fate that deprived me of all social pleasure. Comparative liberty
indeed I had possessed myself of; but the jocund train lagged far
behind!
CHAP. XIII.
"BY watching my only visitor, my uncle's friend, or by some other means,
Mr. Venables discovered my residence, and came to enquire for me. The
maid-servant assured him there was no such person in the house. A bustle
ensued--I caught the alarm--listened--distinguished his voice, and
immediately locked the door. They suddenly grew still; and I waited near
a quarter of an hour, before I heard him open the parlour door, and mount
the stairs with the mistress of the house, who obsequiously declared that
she knew nothing of me.
"Finding my door locked, she requested me to 'open it, and prepare to go
home with my husband, poor gentleman! to whom I had already occasioned
sufficient vexation.' I made no reply. Mr. Venables then, in an assumed
tone of softness, intreated me, 'to consider what he suffered, and my own
reputation, and get the better of childish resentment.' He ran on in the
same strain, pretending to address me, but evidently adapting his
discourse to the capacity of the landlady; who, at every pause, uttered
an exclamation of pity; or 'Yes, to be sure--Very true, sir.'
"Sick of the farce, and perceiving that I could not avoid the hated
interview, I opened the door, and he entered. Advancing with easy
assurance to take my hand, I shrunk from his touch, with an involuntary
start, as I should have done from a noisome reptile, with more disgust
than terror. His conductress was retiring, to give us, as she said, an
opportunity to accommodate matters. But I bade her come in, or I would go
out; and curiosity impelled her to obey me.
"Mr. Venables began to expostulate; and this woman, proud of his
confidence, to second him. But I calmly silenced her, in the midst of a
vulgar harangue, and turning to him, asked, 'Why he vainly tormented me?
declaring that no power on earth should force me back to his house.'
"After a long altercation, the particulars of which, it would be to no
purpose to repeat, he left the room. Some time was spent in loud
conversation in the parlour below, and I discovered that he had brought
his friend, an attorney, with him.
* * * * * * *
* * * * * * * * * * * *
* * * * * * * * * * * *
* *
The tumult on the landing place, brought out a gentleman, who had
recently taken apartments in the house; he enquired why I was thus
assailed[91-A]? The voluble attorney instantly repeated the trite tale.
The stranger turned to me, observing, with the most soothing politeness
and manly interest, that 'my countenance told a very different story.' He
added, 'that I should not be insulted, or forced out of the house, by any
body.'
"'Not by her husband?' asked the attorney.
"'No, sir, not by her husband.' Mr. Venables advanced towards him--But
there was a decision in his attitude, that so well seconded that of his
voice,
* * * * * * * * * * *
* * * * * * * * * * *
* * * *
They left the house: at the same time protesting, that any one that
should dare to protect me, should be prosecuted with the utmost rigour.
"They were scarcely out of the house, when my landlady came up to me
again, and begged my pardon, in a very different tone. For, though Mr.
Venables had bid her, at her peril, harbour me, he had not attended, I
found, to her broad hints, to discharge the lodging. I instantly promised
to pay her, and make her a present to compensate for my abrupt departure,
if she would procure me another lodging, at a sufficient distance; and
she, in return, repeating Mr. Venables' plausible tale, I raised her
indignation, and excited her sympathy, by telling her briefly the truth.
"She expressed her commiseration with such honest warmth, that I felt
soothed; for I have none of that fastidious sensitiveness, which a vulgar
accent or gesture can alarm to the disregard of real kindness. I was ever
glad to perceive in others the humane feelings I delighted to exercise;
and the recollection of some ridiculous characteristic circumstances,
which have occurred in a moment of emotion, has convulsed me with
laughter, though at the instant I should have thought it sacrilegious to
have smiled. Your improvement, my dearest girl, being ever present to me
while I write, I note these feelings, because women, more accustomed to
observe manners than actions, are too much alive to ridicule. So much so,
that their boasted sensibility is often stifled by false delicacy. True
sensibility, the sensibility which is the auxiliary of virtue, and the
soul of genius, is in society so occupied with the feelings of others, as
scarcely to regard its own sensations. With what reverence have I looked
up at my uncle, the dear parent of my mind! when I have seen the sense of
his own sufferings, of mind and body, absorbed in a desire to comfort
those, whose misfortunes were comparatively trivial. He would have been
ashamed of being as indulgent to himself, as he was to others. 'Genuine
fortitude,' he would assert, 'consisted in governing our own emotions,
and making allowance for the weaknesses in our friends, that we would not
tolerate in ourselves.' But where is my fond regret leading me!
"'Women must be submissive,' said my landlady. 'Indeed what could most
women do? Who had they to maintain them, but their husbands? Every woman,
and especially a lady, could not go through rough and smooth, as she had
done, to earn a little bread.'
"She was in a talking mood, and proceeded to inform me how she had been
used in the world. 'She knew what it was to have a bad husband, or she
did not know who should.' I perceived that she would be very much
mortified, were I not to attend to her tale, and I did not attempt to
interrupt her, though I wished her, as soon as possible, to go out in
search of a new abode for me, where I could once more hide my head.
"She began by telling me, 'That she had saved a little money in service;
and was over-persuaded (we must all be in love once in our lives) to
marry a likely man, a footman in the family, not worth a groat. My plan,'
she continued, 'was to take a house, and let out lodgings; and all went
on well, till my husband got acquainted with an impudent slut, who chose
to live on other people's means--and then all went to rack and ruin. He
ran in debt to buy her fine clothes, such clothes as I never thought of
wearing myself, and--would you believe it?--he signed an execution on my
very goods, bought with the money I worked so hard to get; and they came
and took my bed from under me, before I heard a word of the matter. Aye,
madam, these are misfortunes that you gentlefolks know nothing of,--but
sorrow is sorrow, let it come which way it will.
"'I sought for a service again--very hard, after having a house of my
own!--but he used to follow me, and kick up such a riot when he was
drunk, that I could not keep a place; nay, he even stole my clothes, and
pawned them; and when I went to the pawnbroker's, and offered to take my
oath that they were not bought with a farthing of his money, they said,
'It was all as one, my husband had a right to whatever I had.'
"'At last he listed for a soldier, and I took a house, making an
agreement to pay for the furniture by degrees; and I almost starved
myself, till I once more got before-hand in the world.
"'After an absence of six years (God forgive me! I thought he was dead)
my husband returned; found me out, and came with such a penitent face, I
forgave him, and clothed him from head to foot. But he had not been a
week in the house, before some of his creditors arrested him; and, he
selling my goods, I found myself once more reduced to beggary; for I was
not as well able to work, go to bed late, and rise early, as when I
quitted service; and then I thought it hard enough. He was soon tired of
me, when there was nothing more to be had, and left me again.
"'I will not tell you how I was buffeted about, till, hearing for certain
that he had died in an hospital abroad, I once more returned to my old
occupation; but have not yet been able to get my head above water: so,
madam, you must not be angry if I am afraid to run any risk, when I know
so well, that women have always the worst of it, when law is to decide.'
"After uttering a few more complaints, I prevailed on my landlady to go
out in quest of a lodging; and, to be more secure, I condescended to the
mean shift of changing my name.
"But why should I dwell on similar incidents!--I was hunted, like an
infected beast, from three different apartments, and should not have been
allowed to rest in any, had not Mr. Venables, informed of my uncle's
dangerous state of health, been inspired with the fear of hurrying me out
of the world as I advanced in my pregnancy, by thus tormenting and
obliging me to take sudden journeys to avoid him; and then his
speculations on my uncle's fortune must prove abortive.
"One day, when he had pursued me to an inn, I fainted, hurrying from him;
and, falling down, the sight of my blood alarmed him, and obtained a
respite for me. It is strange that he should have retained any hope,
after observing my unwavering determination; but, from the mildness of my
behaviour, when I found all my endeavours to change his disposition
unavailing, he formed an erroneous opinion of my character, imagining
that, were we once more together, I should part with the money he could
not legally force from me, with the same facility as formerly. My
forbearance and occasional sympathy he had mistaken for weakness of
character; and, because he perceived that I disliked resistance, he
thought my indulgence and compassion mere selfishness, and never
discovered that the fear of being unjust, or of unnecessarily wounding
the feelings of another, was much more painful to me, than any thing I
could have to endure myself. Perhaps it was pride which made me imagine,
that I could bear what I dreaded to inflict; and that it was often easier
to suffer, than to see the sufferings of others.
"I forgot to mention that, during this persecution, I received a letter
from my uncle, informing me, 'that he only found relief from continual
change of air; and that he intended to return when the spring was a
little more advanced (it was now the middle of February), and then we
would plan a journey to Italy, leaving the fogs and cares of England far
behind.' He approved of my conduct, promised to adopt my child, and
seemed to have no doubt of obliging Mr. Venables to hear reason. He wrote
to his friend, by the same post, desiring him to call on Mr. Venables in
his name; and, in consequence of the remonstrances he dictated, I was
permitted to lie-in tranquilly.
"The two or three weeks previous, I had been allowed to rest in peace;
but, so accustomed was I to pursuit and alarm, that I seldom closed my
eyes without being haunted by Mr. Venables' image, who seemed to assume
terrific or hateful forms to torment me, wherever I turned.--Sometimes a
wild cat, a roaring bull, or hideous assassin, whom I vainly attempted to
fly; at others he was a demon, hurrying me to the brink of a precipice,
plunging me into dark waves, or horrid gulfs; and I woke, in violent fits
of trembling anxiety, to assure myself that it was all a dream, and to
endeavour to lure my waking thoughts to wander to the delightful Italian
vales, I hoped soon to visit; or to picture some august ruins, where I
reclined in fancy on a mouldering column, and escaped, in the
contemplation of the heart-enlarging virtues of antiquity, from the
turmoil of cares that had depressed all the daring purposes of my soul.
But I was not long allowed to calm my mind by the exercise of my
imagination; for the third day after your birth, my child, I was
surprised by a visit from my elder brother; who came in the most abrupt
manner, to inform me of the death of my uncle. He had left the greater
part of his fortune to my child, appointing me its guardian; in short,
every step was taken to enable me to be mistress of his fortune, without
putting any part of it in Mr. Venables' power. My brother came to vent
his rage on me, for having, as he expressed himself, 'deprived him, my
uncle's eldest nephew, of his inheritance;' though my uncle's property,
the fruit of his own exertion, being all in the funds, or on landed
securities, there was not a shadow of justice in the charge.
"As I sincerely loved my uncle, this intelligence brought on a fever,
which I struggled to conquer with all the energy of my mind; for, in my
desolate state, I had it very much at heart to suckle you, my poor babe.
You seemed my only tie to life, a cherub, to whom I wished to be a
father, as well as a mother; and the double duty appeared to me to
produce a proportionate increase of affection. But the pleasure I felt,
while sustaining you, snatched from the wreck of hope, was cruelly damped
by melancholy reflections on my widowed state--widowed by the death of my
uncle. Of Mr. Venables I thought not, even when I thought of the felicity
of loving your father, and how a mother's pleasure might be exalted, and
her care softened by a husband's tenderness.--'Ought to be!' I exclaimed;
and I endeavoured to drive away the tenderness that suffocated me; but
my spirits were weak, and the unbidden tears would flow. 'Why was I,' I
would ask thee, but thou didst not heed me,--'cut off from the
participation of the sweetest pleasure of life?' I imagined with what
extacy, after the pains of child-bed, I should have presented my little
stranger, whom I had so long wished to view, to a respectable father, and
with what maternal fondness I should have pressed them both to my
heart!--Now I kissed her with less delight, though with the most
endearing compassion, poor helpless one! when I perceived a slight
resemblance of him, to whom she owed her existence; or, if any gesture
reminded me of him, even in his best days, my heart heaved, and I pressed
the innocent to my bosom, as if to purify it--yes, I blushed to think
that its purity had been sullied, by allowing such a man to be its
father.