could not become the friend or confident of my husband. Every thing I
learned relative to his affairs I gathered up by accident; and I vainly
endeavoured to establish, at our fire-side, that social converse, which
often renders people of different characters dear to each other.
Returning from the theatre, or any amusing party, I frequently began to
relate what I had seen and highly relished; but with sullen taciturnity
he soon silenced me. I seemed therefore gradually to lose, in his
society, the soul, the energies of which had just been in action. To such
a degree, in fact, did his cold, reserved manner affect me, that, after
spending some days with him alone, I have imagined myself the most stupid
creature in the world, till the abilities of some casual visitor
convinced me that I had some dormant animation, and sentiments above the
dust in which I had been groveling. The very countenance of my husband
changed; his complexion became sallow, and all the charms of youth were
vanishing with its vivacity.
"I give you one view of the subject; but these experiments and
alterations took up the space of five years; during which period, I had
most reluctantly extorted several sums from my uncle, to save my husband,
to use his own words, from destruction. At first it was to prevent bills
being noted, to the injury of his credit; then to bail him; and
afterwards to prevent an execution from entering the house. I began at
last to conclude, that he would have made more exertions of his own to
extricate himself, had he not relied on mine, cruel as was the task he
imposed on me; and I firmly determined that I would make use of no more
pretexts.
"From the moment I pronounced this determination, indifference on his
part was changed into rudeness, or something worse.
"He now seldom dined at home, and continually returned at a late hour,
drunk, to bed. I retired to another apartment; I was glad, I own, to
escape from his; for personal intimacy without affection, seemed, to me
the most degrading, as well as the most painful state in which a woman of
any taste, not to speak of the peculiar delicacy of fostered sensibility,
could be placed. But my husband's fondness for women was of the grossest
kind, and imagination was so wholly out of the question, as to render his
indulgences of this sort entirely promiscuous, and of the most brutal
nature. My health suffered, before my heart was entirely estranged by the
loathsome information; could I then have returned to his sullied arms,
but as a victim to the prejudices of mankind, who have made women the
property of their husbands? I discovered even, by his conversation, when
intoxicated, that his favourites were wantons of the lowest class, who
could by their vulgar, indecent mirth, which he called nature, rouse his
sluggish spirits. Meretricious ornaments and manners were necessary to
attract his attention. He seldom looked twice at a modest woman, and sat
silent in their company; and the charms of youth and beauty had not the
slightest effect on his senses, unless the possessors were initiated in
vice. His intimacy with profligate women, and his habits of thinking,
gave him a contempt for female endowments; and he would repeat, when
wine had loosed his tongue, most of the common-place sarcasms levelled at
them, by men who do not allow them to have minds, because mind would be
an impediment to gross enjoyment. Men who are inferior to their fellow
men, are always most anxious to establish their superiority over women.
But where are these reflections leading me?
"Women who have lost their husband's affection, are justly reproved for
neglecting their persons, and not taking the same pains to keep, as to
gain a heart; but who thinks of giving the same advice to men, though
women are continually stigmatized for being attached to fops; and from
the nature of their education, are more susceptible of disgust? Yet why a
woman should be expected to endure a sloven, with more patience than a
man, and magnanimously to govern herself, I cannot conceive; unless it be
supposed arrogant in her to look for respect as well as a maintenance. It
is not easy to be pleased, because, after promising to love, in different
circumstances, we are told that it is our duty. I cannot, I am sure
(though, when attending the sick, I never felt disgust) forget my own
sensations, when rising with health and spirit, and after scenting the
sweet morning, I have met my husband at the breakfast table. The active
attention I had been giving to domestic regulations, which were generally
settled before he rose, or a walk, gave a glow to my countenance, that
contrasted with his squallid appearance. The squeamishness of stomach
alone, produced by the last night's intemperance, which he took no pains
to conceal, destroyed my appetite. I think I now see him lolling in an
arm-chair, in a dirty powdering gown, soiled linen, ungartered stockings,
and tangled hair, yawning and stretching himself. The newspaper was
immediately called for, if not brought in on the tea-board, from which he
would scarcely lift his eyes while I poured out the tea, excepting to ask
for some brandy to put into it, or to declare that he could not eat. In
answer to any question, in his best humour, it was a drawling 'What do
you say, child?' But if I demanded money for the house expences, which I
put off till the last moment, his customary reply, often prefaced with an
oath, was, 'Do you think me, madam, made of money?'--The butcher, the
baker, must wait; and, what was worse, I was often obliged to witness
his surly dismission of tradesmen, who were in want of their money, and
whom I sometimes paid with the presents my uncle gave me for my own use.
"At this juncture my father's mistress, by terrifying his conscience,
prevailed on him to marry her; he was already become a methodist; and my
brother, who now practised for himself, had discovered a flaw in the
settlement made on my mother's children, which set it aside, and he
allowed my father, whose distress made him submit to any thing, a tithe
of his own, or rather our fortune.
"My sisters had left school, but were unable to endure home, which my
father's wife rendered as disagreeable as possible, to get rid of girls
whom she regarded as spies on her conduct. They were accomplished, yet
you can (may you never be reduced to the same destitute state!) scarcely
conceive the trouble I had to place them in the situation of governesses,
the only one in which even a well-educated woman, with more than ordinary
talents, can struggle for a subsistence; and even this is a dependence
next to menial. Is it then surprising, that so many forlorn women, with
human passions and feelings, take refuge in infamy? Alone in large
mansions, I say alone, because they had no companions with whom they
could converse on equal terms, or from whom they could expect the
endearments of affection, they grew melancholy, and the sound of joy made
them sad; and the youngest, having a more delicate frame, fell into a
decline. It was with great difficulty that I, who now almost supported
the house by loans from my uncle, could prevail on the _master_ of it, to
allow her a room to die in. I watched her sick bed for some months, and
then closed her eyes, gentle spirit! for ever. She was pretty, with very
engaging manners; yet had never an opportunity to marry, excepting to a
very old man. She had abilities sufficient to have shone in any
profession, had there been any professions for women, though she shrunk
at the name of milliner or mantua-maker as degrading to a gentlewoman. I
would not term this feeling false pride to any one but you, my child,
whom I fondly hope to see (yes; I will indulge the hope for a moment!)
possessed of that energy of character which gives dignity to any station;
and with that clear, firm spirit that will enable you to choose a
situation for yourself, or submit to be classed in the lowest, if it be
the only one in which you can be the mistress of your own actions.
"Soon after the death of my sister, an incident occurred, to prove to me
that the heart of a libertine is dead to natural affection; and to
convince me, that the being who has appeared all tenderness, to gratify a
selfish passion, is as regardless of the innocent fruit of it, as of the
object, when the fit is over. I had casually observed an old,
mean-looking woman, who called on my husband every two or three months to
receive some money. One day entering the passage of his little
counting-house, as she was going out, I heard her say, 'The child is very
weak; she cannot live long, she will soon die out of your way, so you
need not grudge her a little physic.'
"'So much the better,' he replied, 'and pray mind your own business, good
woman.'
"I was struck by his unfeeling, inhuman tone of voice, and drew back,
determined when the woman came again, to try to speak to her, not out of
curiosity, I had heard enough, but with the hope of being useful to a
poor, outcast girl.
"A month or two elapsed before I saw this woman again; and then she had a
child in her hand that tottered along, scarcely able to sustain her own
weight. They were going away, to return at the hour Mr. Venables was
expected; he was now from home. I desired the woman to walk into the
parlour. She hesitated, yet obeyed. I assured her that I should not
mention to my husband (the word seemed to weigh on my respiration), that
I had seen her, or his child. The woman stared at me with astonishment;
and I turned my eyes on the squalid object [that accompanied her.] She
could hardly support herself, her complexion was sallow, and her eyes
inflamed, with an indescribable look of cunning, mixed with the wrinkles
produced by the peevishness of pain.
"'Poor child!' I exclaimed. 'Ah! you may well say poor child,' replied
the woman. 'I brought her here to see whether he would have the heart to
look at her, and not get some advice. I do not know what they deserve who
nursed her. Why, her legs bent under her like a bow when she came to me,
and she has never been well since; but, if they were no better paid than
I am, it is not to be wondered at, sure enough.'
"On further enquiry I was informed, that this miserable spectacle was the
daughter of a servant, a country girl, who caught Mr. Venables' eye, and
whom he seduced. On his marriage he sent her away, her situation being
too visible. After her delivery, she was thrown on the town; and died in
an hospital within the year. The babe was sent to a parish-nurse, and
afterwards to this woman, who did not seem much better; but what was to
be expected from such a close bargain? She was only paid three shillings
a week for board and washing.
"The woman begged me to give her some old clothes for the child, assuring
me, that she was almost afraid to ask master for money to buy even a
pair of shoes.
"I grew sick at heart. And, fearing Mr. Venables might enter, and oblige
me to express my abhorrence, I hastily enquired where she lived, promised
to pay her two shillings a week more, and to call on her in a day or two;
putting a trifle into her hand as a proof of my good intention.
"If the state of this child affected me, what were my feelings at a
discovery I made respecting Peggy----?[22-A]
FOOTNOTES:
[22-A] The manuscript is imperfect here. An episode seems to have been
intended, which was never committed to paper.
EDITOR.
CHAP. X.
"MY father's situation was now so distressing, that I prevailed on my
uncle to accompany me to visit him; and to lend me his assistance, to
prevent the whole property of the family from becoming the prey of my
brother's rapacity; for, to extricate himself out of present
difficulties, my father was totally regardless of futurity. I took down
with me some presents for my step-mother; it did not require an effort
for me to treat her with civility, or to forget the past.
"This was the first time I had visited my native village, since my
marriage. But with what different emotions did I return from the busy
world, with a heavy weight of experience benumbing my imagination, to
scenes, that whispered recollections of joy and hope most eloquently to
my heart! The first scent of the wild flowers from the heath, thrilled
through my veins, awakening every sense to pleasure. The icy hand of
despair seemed to be removed from my bosom; and--forgetting my
husband--the nurtured visions of a romantic mind, bursting on me with all
their original wildness and gay exuberance, were again hailed as sweet
realities. I forgot, with equal facility, that I ever felt sorrow, or
knew care in the country; while a transient rainbow stole athwart the
cloudy sky of despondency. The picturesque form of several favourite
trees, and the porches of rude cottages, with their smiling hedges, were
recognized with the gladsome playfulness of childish vivacity. I could
have kissed the chickens that pecked on the common; and longed to pat the
cows, and frolic with the dogs that sported on it. I gazed with delight
on the windmill, and thought it lucky that it should be in motion, at the
moment I passed by; and entering the dear green lane, which led directly
to the village, the sound of the well-known rookery gave that sentimental
tinge to the varying sensations of my active soul, which only served to
heighten the lustre of the luxuriant scenery. But, spying, as I advanced,
the spire, peeping over the withered tops of the aged elms that composed
the rookery, my thoughts flew immediately to the church-yard, and tears
of affection, such was the effect of my imagination, bedewed my mother's
grave! Sorrow gave place to devotional feelings. I wandered through the
church in fancy, as I used sometimes to do on a Saturday evening. I
recollected with what fervour I addressed the God of my youth: and once
more with rapturous love looked above my sorrows to the Father of nature.
I pause--feeling forcibly all the emotions I am describing; and
(reminded, as I register my sorrows, of the sublime calm I have felt,
when in some tremendous solitude, my soul rested on itself, and seemed to
fill the universe) I insensibly breathe soft, hushing every wayward
emotion, as if fearing to sully with a sigh, a contentment so extatic.
"Having settled my father's affairs, and, by my exertions in his favour,
made my brother my sworn foe, I returned to London. My husband's conduct
was now changed; I had during my absence, received several affectionate,
penitential letters from him; and he seemed on my arrival, to wish by his
behaviour to prove his sincerity. I could not then conceive why he acted
thus; and, when the suspicion darted into my head, that it might arise
from observing my increasing influence with my uncle, I almost despised
myself for imagining that such a degree of debasing selfishness could
exist.
"He became, unaccountable as was the change, tender and attentive; and,
attacking my weak side, made a confession of his follies, and lamented
the embarrassments in which I, who merited a far different fate, might be
involved. He besought me to aid him with my counsel, praised my
understanding, and appealed to the tenderness of my heart.
"This conduct only inspired me with compassion. I wished to be his
friend; but love had spread his rosy pinions, and fled far, far away; and
had not (like some exquisite perfumes, the fine spirit of which is
continually mingling with the air) left a fragrance behind, to mark where
he had shook his wings. My husband's renewed caresses then became hateful
to me; his brutality was tolerable, compared to his distasteful fondness.
Still, compassion, and the fear of insulting his supposed feelings, by a
want of sympathy, made me dissemble, and do violence to my delicacy. What
a task!
"Those who support a system of what I term false refinement, and will
not allow great part of love in the female, as well as male breast, to
spring in some respects involuntarily, may not admit that charms are as
necessary to feed the passion, as virtues to convert the mellowing spirit
into friendship. To such observers I have nothing to say, any more than
to the moralists, who insist that women ought to, and can love their
husbands, because it is their duty. To you, my child, I may add, with a
heart tremblingly alive to your future conduct, some observations,
dictated by my present feelings, on calmly reviewing this period of my
life. When novelists or moralists praise as a virtue, a woman's coldness
of constitution, and want of passion; and make her yield to the ardour of
her lover out of sheer compassion, or to promote a frigid plan of future
comfort, I am disgusted. They may be good women, in the ordinary
acceptation of the phrase, and do no harm; but they appear to me not to
have those 'finely fashioned nerves,' which render the senses exquisite.
They may possess tenderness; but they want that fire of the imagination,
which produces _active_ sensibility, and _positive_ virtue. How does the
woman deserve to be characterized, who marries one man, with a heart and
imagination devoted to another? Is she not an object of pity or contempt,
when thus sacrilegiously violating the purity of her own feelings? Nay,
it is as indelicate, when she is indifferent, unless she be
constitutionally insensible; then indeed it is a mere affair of barter;
and I have nothing to do with the secrets of trade. Yes; eagerly as I
wish you to possess true rectitude of mind, and purity of affection, I
must insist that a heartless conduct is the contrary of virtuous. Truth
is the only basis of virtue; and we cannot, without depraving our minds,
endeavour to please a lover or husband, but in proportion as he pleases
us. Men, more effectually to enslave us, may inculcate this partial
morality, and lose sight of virtue in subdividing it into the duties of
particular stations; but let us not blush for nature without a cause!
"After these remarks, I am ashamed to own, that I was pregnant. The
greatest sacrifice of my principles in my whole life, was the allowing my
husband again to be familiar with my person, though to this cruel act of
self-denial, when I wished the earth to open and swallow me, you owe your
birth; and I the unutterable pleasure of being a mother. There was
something of delicacy in my husband's bridal attentions; but now his
tainted breath, pimpled face, and blood-shot eyes, were not more
repugnant to my senses, than his gross manners, and loveless familiarity
to my taste.
"A man would only be expected to maintain; yes, barely grant a
subsistence, to a woman rendered odious by habitual intoxication; but who
would expect him, or think it possible to love her? And unless 'youth,
and genial years were flown,' it would be thought equally unreasonable to
insist, [under penalty of] forfeiting almost every thing reckoned
valuable in life, that he should not love another: whilst woman, weak in
reason, impotent in will, is required to moralize, sentimentalize herself
to stone, and pine her life away, labouring to reform her embruted mate.
He may even spend in dissipation, and intemperance, the very intemperance
which renders him so hateful, her property, and by stinting her expences,
not permit her to beguile in society, a wearisome, joyless life; for over
their mutual fortune she has no power, it must all pass through his hand.
And if she be a mother, and in the present state of women, it is a great
misfortune to be prevented from discharging the duties, and cultivating
the affections of one, what has she not to endure?--But I have suffered
the tenderness of one to lead me into reflections that I did not think of
making, to interrupt my narrative--yet the full heart will overflow.
"Mr. Venables' embarrassments did not now endear him to me; still,
anxious to befriend him, I endeavoured to prevail on him to retrench his
expences; but he had always some plausible excuse to give, to justify his
not following my advice. Humanity, compassion, and the interest produced
by a habit of living together, made me try to relieve, and sympathize
with him; but, when I recollected that I was bound to live with such a
being for ever--my heart died within me; my desire of improvement became
languid, and baleful, corroding melancholy took possession of my soul.
Marriage had bastilled me for life. I discovered in myself a capacity for
the enjoyment of the various pleasures existence affords; yet, fettered
by the partial laws of society, this fair globe was to me an universal
blank.
"When I exhorted my husband to economy, I referred to himself. I was
obliged to practise the most rigid, or contract debts, which I had too
much reason to fear would never be paid. I despised this paltry privilege
of a wife, which can only be of use to the vicious or inconsiderate, and
determined not to increase the torrent that was bearing him down. I was
then ignorant of the extent of his fraudulent speculations, whom I was
bound to honour and obey.
"A woman neglected by her husband, or whose manners form a striking
contrast with his, will always have men on the watch to soothe and
flatter her. Besides, the forlorn state of a neglected woman, not
destitute of personal charms, is particularly interesting, and rouses
that species of pity, which is so near akin, it easily slides into love.
A man of feeling thinks not of seducing, he is himself seduced by all the
noblest emotions of his soul. He figures to himself all the sacrifices a
woman of sensibility must make, and every situation in which his
imagination places her, touches his heart, and fires his passions.
Longing to take to his bosom the shorn lamb, and bid the drooping buds of
hope revive, benevolence changes into passion: and should he then
discover that he is beloved, honour binds him fast, though foreseeing
that he may afterwards be obliged to pay severe damages to the man, who
never appeared to value his wife's society, till he found that there was
a chance of his being indemnified for the loss of it.
"Such are the partial laws enacted by men; for, only to lay a stress on
the dependent state of a woman in the grand question of the comforts
arising from the possession of property, she is [even in this article]
much more injured by the loss of the husband's affection, than he by that
of his wife; yet where is she, condemned to the solitude of a deserted
home, to look for a compensation from the woman, who seduces him from
her? She cannot drive an unfaithful husband from his house, nor separate,
or tear, his children from him, however culpable he may be; and he, still
the master of his own fate, enjoys the smiles of a world, that would
brand her with infamy, did she, seeking consolation, venture to
retaliate.
"These remarks are not dictated by experience; but merely by the
compassion I feel for many amiable women, the _out-laws_ of the world.
For myself, never encouraging any of the advances that were made to me,
my lovers dropped off like the untimely shoots of spring. I did not even
coquet with them; because I found, on examining myself, I could not
coquet with a man without loving him a little; and I perceived that I
should not be able to stop at the line of what are termed _innocent
freedoms_, did I suffer any. My reserve was then the consequence of
delicacy. Freedom of conduct has emancipated many women's minds; but my
conduct has most rigidly been governed by my principles, till the
improvement of my understanding has enabled me to discern the fallacy of
prejudices at war with nature and reason.
"Shortly after the change I have mentioned in my husband's conduct, my
uncle was compelled by his declining health, to seek the succour of a
milder climate, and embark for Lisbon. He left his will in the hands of a
friend, an eminent solicitor; he had previously questioned me relative to
my situation and state of mind, and declared very freely, that he could
place no reliance on the stability of my husband's professions. He had
been deceived in the unfolding of his character; he now thought it fixed
in a train of actions that would inevitably lead to ruin and disgrace.