These transports overwhelm me at the mere sight of his name, for I
am not sure of my happiness, and I ardently desire it. But when we
have what we desire and love, we are calm. So, in my dream I was
calm, for I no longer had anything to desire. I said nothing, in
order not to interrupt my happiness. I let myself go gently and
quietly.
What was my surprise to find, on waking, that all this happiness was
only a dream! I spoke of it to members of the family, I laughed at
myself, to conceal my joy and my love for him. He talked with me
tenderly. Not exactly, but I know what I mean. He was not precisely
like himself, smaller and not so handsome. I thought I had reached
port, but, on waking, I find myself in the open sea and in the midst
of the tempest, as I was yesterday and shall be for a long time,
perhaps, until he comes to lead me on board. That is a commonplace
phrase, but it well expresses what I wish to say and I use it. Then
an hour's practice on the piano. Then to the Promenade.
Mademoiselle de G---- wore a broad-brimmed grey felt hat, turned up
at one side. O, how I would like a hat like that! It is so graceful.
I would like a hat like that, and the same style of gown. It brings
back the young ladies of former days, tall, well-formed, slender,
beautiful. One would say that I am raving over a gown as I do over
the man I love.
Tuesday, April 8th.
I had a geography lesson to-day. While looking for a city in
America, my eyes were attracted by this tragical name: H---- island
in the Arctic Ocean. It seemed as if a thunderbolt had struck me, I
did not feel the earth under my feet. My heart beat violently, I was
completely upset. Can I doubt that I love him? If he knew it! But,
with God's assistance he will know it some day. God is so good. He
has given me all I have possessed up to the present moment.
* * * * *
Mademoiselle C---- scolded me to-day because people looked at me too
much on the Promenade. While returning from church we talked about
religion--then went on to the Duc de H----. Mademoiselle C---- said:
"What associates he has! To-day he is with the H----'s."
I want to describe conversations better. The Duc de H---- was
discussed. I defended him warmly, but I have seen that I went too
far.
Good Friday.
At church, when we went to kiss the tomb of Christ, I looked at all
the faces and suddenly _his_ appeared as if he were there in
person. Never has it presented itself so distinctly. This time I saw
it as if it were himself. At this apparition my heart beat
violently, and I began to pray. I wanted to recall this beloved
face, but in vain. I no longer see it.
At this vision, an idea came to me. There were a great many flowers
near the tomb. I took a daisy. The flower is holy, it was near our
Saviour. It will tell me whether our desires will be realised. With
a throbbing heart, I pulled off petal after petal. Yes--no--O, God!
I thank Thee! I believe this prediction, it is holy!
I don't want to wait any longer. I shall die if I stay in this
furnace. It is too warm. Knock, and it shall be opened unto you. I
believe that, it is my consolation. We are going to Vienna Saturday,
but Mamma will stay. There is no pleasure without pain. That is a
great truth. So we shall start Saturday, I, my aunt, Dina, and
Paul.
July 29th, 1873.
During the journey the most open-hearted gaiety did not cease to
reign among us. O, how disagreeable Italy is on account of the
Italians, how dirty they are! We wanted to take a bath, and I did
not expect to have such luck in an Italian hotel in Genoa. I was
greatly surprised when they brought it to me.
At ten o'clock we at last reached our destination. We went to the
Grand Hotel. Everything is magnificent. I am pleased with it. I
wanted to take a bath. It is too late.
We all went to the Exposition and saw a part of Germany, England,
and France. The costumes were heavenly.
That is the way I shall dress later. How beautiful art can render
finery! I adore dress, because it will mate me pretty and give
pleasure to the man I love, and I shall be happy. Then dress bestows
Paradise upon earth.
The Russian pavilion is extremely beautiful, everything is fine. We
breakfasted at the Russian restaurant. It is neither restaurant nor
Russian. It is a sort of German beer-hall. The servants are dressed
in red, a perfect caricature. It isn't surprising that Russians
should be taken for Turks. I am having a good time to-day. The first
two it seemed as though I was in a lethargy. That happens to me
sometimes. It is over now. The Italian statues are very original.
There are some remarkable expressions of face.
Say what you like, our native land is always our native land.
Everything that is Russian in the pavilion is beautiful. I looked
eagerly. There were Russian names on the goods. My eyes filled with
tears.
At seven o'clock, we went to hear the band. There were a great many
people, the music was very captivating, thoroughly Viennese. When
this orchestra stopped, another began. All sorts of persons, members
of the imperial family, fashionable ladies, young dandies, a whirl
of gaiety.
The Viennese climate is delicious, not like Nice, which is burning
hot in summer.
At last! We are leaving! We are in the train. There is no time to
collect one's thoughts. We pass cities, cottages, huts, and in each
dwelling people are talking, loving, quarrelling, bestirring
themselves. Every human being whom we see, smaller than a fly, has
his joys and sorrows. We are talking so much of Baden. We shall
pass through it to-morrow. I should like to go there.
At five o'clock in the morning I was waked. We were approaching
Paris. I dressed quickly, but there were fifty minutes to spare. We
went to the Grand Hotel.
Paris is comical in the morning. Nothing to be seen except butchers,
pastry cooks, boot-makers, restaurant keepers, opening and cleaning
their shops.
Toward noon, I was not only settled, but ready to go out. In Paris I
am at home, everything interests me; instead of being lazy, I am in
too great a hurry. I should like not only to walk, but to fly. I
wanted to make myself believe that there was society in Vienna, but
that is impossible. The hotel is full of a very good sort of English
people. We are going to Ferry's. I took the address in Vienna. We
shall buy two pairs of boots, one black, the other yellow.
We went on foot. I ordered some gloves. I dress myself. My allowance
is 2,500 francs a year. I received 1,000 francs. Then we took a cab
and went to Laferrière's. I ordered a tête-de-nègre costume (three
hundred francs).
"Here comes the Duc de H----. Don't jump out of the carriage." My
aunt looked at me sternly. This evening I asked myself if I really
did love the Duc, or if it was imagination. I have thought of him so
much that I fancy things which do not exist--I might marry somebody
else. I imagine myself the wife of another. He speaks to me. Oh! no,
no! I should die of horror! All other men disgust me. In the street,
at the theatre, I can endure them, but to imagine that a man may
kiss my hand drives me wild!
I don't express myself well, I never know how to explain myself,
but I understand my own feelings.
To-night we are going to the theatre. This is Paris! I can't believe
that I am here. This is the city from which all the books are taken.
All the books are about Paris, its salons, its theatres, it is the
perfection of everything.
At last I have found what I have desired without knowing it. To live
is Paris--Paris means to live!
I was tormenting myself because I did not know what I wanted. Now I
see it before me. I know what I want. To move from Nice to Paris. To
have an apartment, furnish it, have horses as we do in Nice. To go
into society through the Russian ambassador. That, that is what I
want.
How happy we are when we know what we want! But an idea has come to
me--I believe I am ugly. It is frightful!
To-day is the first time we have seen the Bois, the Jardin
d'Acclimatation, and the Trocadéro, from which we had a view of all
Paris. Really, I have never in my life beheld anything so beautiful
as the Bois de Boulogne. It is not a wild beauty, but it is elegant,
sumptuous.
Since Toulon, I have been the prey of a great sorrow. All places are
indifferent to me, except Paris, which I adore, and Nice.
At last! We have reached this spot. Princess G----and W---- met us.
Mamma was not there. We asked for her and were told that she was a
little indisposed. The truth is that she fell out of bed and hurt
her leg. We arrived. I made her sit in the dining-room. An arrival
is always confused. People talk and answer, all speaking at once.
During my absence a little negro boy was engaged, who will go out
with the carriage. I cannot look through the window. I can't bear
this pale foliage, this red earth, this heavy atmosphere! So Mamma
said that we will stay in Paris! Heaven be praised!
We were summoned to dinner, but first I arranged my room. Then I
went back to the drawing-room, where Mamma was lying. We talked and
laughed, I told what I had seen, in short, we discussed everything.
I fear Mamma will be seriously ill. I shall pray to God for her. I
am glad to be back in my chamber, it is pretty. To-morrow I mean to
have my bed all in white. That will be lovely.
I regard Nice as an exile. I intend to occupy myself specially in
arranging the days and hours of tutors.
With winter will come society, with society, gaiety. It will not be
Nice, but a little Paris. And the Races! Nice has its good side. All
the same, the six or seven months which must be spent there seem
like a sea I must cross without turning my eyes from the light-house
which guides me. I do not expect to approach, no, I only hope to see
this land, and the sole thing which gives me resolution and strength
to live until next year. Afterward! Really, I know nothing about it!
But I hope, I believe in God, in His divine goodness, that is why I
don't lose courage. Whoever lives under His protection will find
repose in the mercy of the Omnipotent One. He will cover thee with
His wings. Under their shelter thou wilt be in safety. His truth
will be thy shield, thou wilt fear neither the arrows that fly by
night; nor the pestilence that wastes by day! I cannot express how
deeply I am moved and how grateful I am for God's goodness toward
me.
September 12th, 1873.
This morning I made a scene with Mamma and my aunt. I could stand it
no longer, the bottle had to be opened, there was too much gas in
it. I wept. It lasted two hours and a half.
I asked forgiveness. Just at that moment some one said that a house
on the Rue de France was burning. I ran to see it. We were all at
the windows. The carriages were brought from the stables, women came
out carrying children. The building was not yet in flames. There was
a courtyard surrounded by four sheds filled with hay. The fire
flared high, but the people in Nice are always the same. They do
nothing to subdue it, only stand at a distance to enjoy the
spectacle.
Oh! if it were in Russia, it would have been extinguished long ago.
Our fire engines are terrible when they are heard a league away,
every quarter has one. The firemen in golden helmets and lots of
little bells. (The noise the Duc de H----'s carriage makes coming
from a distance reminds me of the fire engines.)
At last, after half an hour, a cart arrived, dragged by ten men,
what a mere nothing! And four soldiers with guns.
No doubt they were going to extinguish the fire with them! But it
was out before they came.
So I return to what I was saying: A complete reform in my costume
and character, I will become kind, pleasant, gentle. I will try to
be the good genius of the house.
I want to make myself loved and esteemed by every one, from the
meanest beggar to the duke and king. This is the promise I make to
God. Since I desire so great a happiness, I must deserve it. That is
the way I hope to obtain it.
Therefore I make a solemn vow to God that I will do what I say. If I
fail once in my oath, I shall lose everything. I will address myself
to the Holy Virgin and pray her, with Her Son, to guide and protect
me.
I rose at five o'clock to-day. I have worked well, I am satisfied
with myself. How happy we are when we are content with ourselves!
All the rest matters little; we find everything, satisfactory, we
are happy. My happiness depends upon myself. I have only to study
well.
September 15th, 1873.
I spoke Italian to-day for the first time. Poor M. (my professor)
almost fell in a faint, or threw himself out of the window. I can
say that I speak English, French, Italian, and am learning German
and Latin. I am studying seriously. Day before yesterday I took my
first lesson in physics. Oh, how well pleased with myself I am!
I have received the _Derby_. I found a number of horses entered by
the Duc de H----. The races at Baden! How I should like to be there.
Nothing prevents me, but I will not go. I must study. And with a
heavy heart I read of the horse races. I calm myself with great
difficulty and comfort myself by saying: "Let us study; our turn
will come, if it is God's will."
I have read this journal. My eyes are glittering, my hands are
frozen. There is no doubt of it. I adore, I adore--horses. They are
my life, my soul, my happiness. By chance I shook my whip. There was
the same hissing sound as at the races. I jumped. I no longer know
where I am. Come; it mustn't be talked about.
September 20th.
Only at five o'clock I am free, and I am going to the city with the
Princess and Dina. In the French lesson I read Sacred History, the
Ten Commandments of God. It says we must not make unto ourselves
graven images of anything that is in the heavens. The Latins and the
Greeks were wrong, they were idolaters who worshipped statues and
paintings. I, too, am very far from following this method. I believe
in God, our Saviour, the Virgin, and I honour some of the saints,
not all, for there are some that are manufactured like plum cakes.
May God forgive this reasoning if it is wrong. But in my simple mind
this is the way things are and I cannot change them.
Shall I ever believe that God has commanded a tabernacle to be built
to have His oracle heard from the ark in it? No, no! God is too
great, too sublime for these unbearable Pagan follies. I worship God
in everything. People can pray everywhere, and He is everywhere
present.
I went to the city for a turn on the Promenade. In the evening we
played kings again, but the game isn't sufficiently interesting. We
played like amateurs. For all that I had a good time and laughed
heartily.
G---- came and--I no longer remember in what connection--said that
human beings are degenerate monkeys. He is a little fellow who gets
his ideas from Uncle N----.
"Then," I said to him, "you don't believe in God?" He: "I can
believe only what I understand."
Oh, the horrid fool! All the boys who are beginning to grow
moustaches think like that. They are simpletons who believe that
women cannot reason and understand. They regard them as dolls who
talk without knowing what they are saying. With a patronising manner
they let them go on. He has doubtless read some book he did not
understand, whose passages he recites. He proves that God could not
create because at the poles bones and frozen plants have been found.
Then these lived, and now there are none.
I say nothing against that. But was not our earth convulsed by
various revolutions before the creation of man? We do not take
literally the statement that God created the world in six days. The
elements were formed during ages and ages. But can we deny God when
we look at the sky, the trees, and men themselves? Would we not say
that there is a hand which directs, punishes, and rewards--the hand
of God?
October 5th.
We went with Paul to a secluded part of the garden to shoot. My
hands trembled a little when, for the first time in my life, I took
a loaded gun, especially because Mamma was so frightened. I chose a
pumpkin twenty paces away for a target, and shot capitally. The
whole charge was in the pumpkin. The second time I fired at a piece
of paper twenty centimetres square, again I hit, and a third time a
leaf. Then I grew very proud and smiling. All fear disappeared and
it seems as if I had courage enough to go to war.
I carried the pumpkin, the paper, and the leaf in triumph to show to
Mamma, who is very proud of me.
Really, what harm is there in shooting? I need not become on that
account one of those detestable men-women with spectacles, masculine
coats, and canes. To fire a gun will not prevent my being gentle,
lovable, graceful, slender, vaporous (if I may use the word), and
pretty.
While shooting I am a man; in the water a fish; on horseback a
jockey; in a carriage a young girl; at an evening entertainment a
charming woman; at a ball a dancer; at a concert a nightingale with
notes extra low and high like a violin. I have something in my
throat which penetrates the soul, and makes the heart leap.
Seeing me with the gun, no one would imagine I could be indolent
and languishing at home. Yet, sometimes, when I undress in the
evening, I put on a long black cloak which half covers me and sit
down in an armchair. I seem so weak, so graceful (which I am in
reality) that again no one would imagine I could shoot.
I am a rarity. I shall be highly educated, _if God wills that I
should live and blesses me_. I am perfectly formed, my face is
pretty enough, I have a magnificent voice, intellect, and I shall
be, withal, a woman. Happy the man who will have me. He will possess
the earthly Paradise! Provided that he knows how to appreciate me!
I lack everything here, and yet I adore Nice. We always love what
does not love. _Sic factae sumus_. Everywhere else I am visiting, at
Nice I am at home, and the proverb says: However well off we may be
while visiting, we are better off at home. Nice! Nice! Thou ingrate!
I adore Nice and admire it from my window. I am happy and animated.
Why? I don't know. After all--Ah! let me alone! The cards tell the
truth, I believe in the cards; they have always said yes to me. I
must have an occupation, I am of a warlike disposition. I am ready
for everything. I ask only an idea. No doubt I shall be depressed
to-morrow, for this evening I am certainly on stilts.
The tower clock is striking nine. Lovely tower; lovely I! Ah! H----.
October 8th, 1875.
We went to N----'s. The good woman vexed and made me laugh at the
same time.
"The first thing to be done in Rome," said Mamma, "is to get
teachers of singing and painting."
"Yes," I replied, "and I am going to visit the galleries."
"But what will you do there?" asked Madame S----.
"Why, copy, study."
"Oh, but you are so far from that point," she said earnestly.
You understand, this foolish woman judges me in that way; but pshaw.
What do I care? Yet put yourself in my place, and you will
comprehend my annoyance, my irritation.
The good God is cruel. He gives me nothing. To ask the simplest,
the most possible thing, to ask it as a mercy, as a happiness, to
believe in God, to pray to Him, and to have nothing! Oh! I can see
people scoffing at me because I bring God into everything. The
poorest thing, by resistance, gains value! My ugly temper gives
importance to everything. No, frankly, I must become sensible and
mount on my pedestal, raise myself above my troubles. Has it ever
happened that everything goes wrong with you? The hair dresses
badly, the hat tilts every minute, the flounce on my skirt tears
each step I take, pebbles get into my slippers, cutting through my
stockings, and prick my feet.
I returned exasperated, and that horrid dog, F----, leaped joyfully
upon me. I went upstairs and it pursued me with its caresses. I kept
my patience, but when I reached my room I gave it a kick, and it ran
howling under my bed, but after a couple of minutes came back,
wagging its tail, and looking at me as if asking my pardon. Oh, the
dog! the dog!
No, never shall I be understood!
I should like to have whoever reads my words be myself for an
instant in order to understand me, people cannot comprehend what
they do not feel, to do so it is necessary to be myself!--and also
myself in my lucid moments.
M---- is seventeen to-day, and we lunched at W----'s. I was horribly
bored. Imagine running down a long corridor, so long that you cannot
see the end, springing forward and finding only a delusion, coming
with your outstretched hands against a wall. That is I!
I rate myself above everything, and the idea that I am placed on the
same level with any one, that people do not consider me different
from the rest of the world, the bare idea makes me angry. I wish
them to forget, to trample everything under foot, to scorn and
destroy all that has preceded me--I desire that there should be
nothing before, nothing after--except the remembrance of me. Then
only I should be content.
When an opportunity offers, I will express my meaning fully.
* * * * *
I went out with neither pleasure nor eagerness. N---- and her
children were going to walk, and we enlarged their party.
"Ah! if you knew how I have treated the human race this morning," I
said to M---- in answer to a remark I no longer remember.
"Ah! if you knew how little it cares! it is a matter of no
importance," replied M----, very wittily.
How dreary it is to have nobody to care for!
My head is heavy and my eyes are closing, yet at the same time I
want to write more, the pen glides easily over the paper and, though
I might have nothing to say, I go on for the pleasure of filling the
white pages and hearing the pleasant scratching of the pen.
"My head is heavy and my eyelids close,
Yet still my gliding pen I will not stay,
Fain would I tell all my heart's joys and woes,
But cannot--though so much have I to say."