my meals.--Last night I was led to praise God for having made me His
child, considering that I was most likely the only one on board that
knew Him. This morning, however, I found a sister in the Lord among
the passengers, with whom I had much conversation.--At dinner she
manifested more grace, in testifying against evil, than I did. At tea
time I had grace, in some measure, to speak of Jesus before the
company, and to confess Him as my Lord.
April 9. We arrived at Hamburg about one in the morning, having had a
most favourable passage of about 48 hours, and at seven I went on
shore. It had been repeatedly my prayer, that I might soon find out
brother ----, who had gone three days before me to Hamburg; and
immediately after my arrival, in answer to prayer, without any
difficulty, I found out where he lodged.
April 14. Berlin. We arrived here the evening before last. Having
been yesterday and this morning seeking for lodgings, without being
able to obtain any that were suitable, I at last became irritated.
Surely there was lack of earnest prayer on my part in this matter,
and want of patience in waiting the Lords own time, and want of
openness, in not telling brother ---- that I was tired, and that, on
account of my weakness, I was unable thus to go about from place to
place. At last the Lord directed us to two suitable rooms, and I feel
now again comfortable, in my quiet retirement, after having confessed
my sin of irritability to the Lord and to brother ----.
April 1521. We met several times during this week with certain
brethren who desire to give themselves to Missionary service, and
prayed and read the Scriptures with them, and made such remarks as
seemed to be important in connexion with the work. In addition to
this we saw the brethren privately at our lodgings, two, three, or
four at a time. But I have still felt the great weakness of my mental
powers, and have been only able to attend to this work about three
hours a day.--Since my arrival here I have had two letters from my
dear Mary. Harriet Culliford, one of the Orphans, and formerly one of
the most unpromising children, has been removed. She died as a true
believer, several of the brethren who saw her being quite satisfied
about her state. Surely this pays for much trouble and for much
expense! My wife also mentions some fresh instances of the Lords
blessing resting upon my Narrative.--I am now, after prayer, this day,
April 21, quite sure that I should leave Berlin, and go to my father
at once, as the work here is too much for my head.
April 22nd. Confirmation-day of the children in Berlin. The son of
the person with whom we lodge was confirmed, and in the evening they
had the violin and dancing. How awful!-A few days since I heard
that a brother in the Lord, an old friend of mine, and one of the two
alluded to in the first part of this Narrative, page 15, was in
prison on account of his religious views. This brought afresh before
me the privileges which the children of God enjoy in England.--I saw a
few days since another brother in prison, who, as an unconverted
young man, in the university, was once at a political club, and had
his name enrolled, in consequence of this, in the list of the
political students. Shortly afterwards he was converted, and gave up
all connexion with these political students. He finished his
university course and afterwards became a tutor to the sons of a
baron. In that family he had been for a considerable time, when one
night he was fetched by the police out of his bed and taken to
prison, on the ground of this his connexion with the political club
three or four years before. [The result was that he was for many
months in prison. Now he is a Missionary in the East Indies. I have
related this circumstance to remind the reader afresh, that though
the Lord freely and fully forgives us all our sins at once when we
believe, yet He may allow us to suffer the consequences of them in a
greater or less degree.]
April 24. Left Berlin last evening for Magdeburg, Had a long
conversation with two deists in the mail. God helped me to make a
full confession of His dear Son, in answer to prayer for grace to be
enabled to do so. This afternoon I arrived at Heimersleben, the small
town where my father lives. Once more then I have met with my dear
aged parent, who is evidently fast hastening to the grave, and seems
to me not likely to live through the next winter. I arrived just at
the time when, the Fair was held in the town. How great, how
exceedingly great, the difference in me, as to my feelings respecting
such things now, from what they were formerly!
April 2528. Stay at Heimersleben. The Lord has given me both an
opportunity and grace to speak more fully, more simply, and more to
the heart of my father about the things of God, and in particular
about the plan of salvation, than I had ever done before. I trust
that, in judgment at least, he is convinced that there is something
lacking in him. All the time of my stay here he has been most
affectionate. I spoke also fully again to my poor brother, who is now
completely living in open sin. Oh to grace what a debtor am I!-Brother
Knabe, who was the only believer in Heimersleben, as far as
I have been able to learn, died about eighteen months since.
April 28. Today I left for Magdeburg. My father accompanied me about
eight miles. Both of us, I think, felt, when about to separate, that
we were parting from each other, never again to meet on earth. How
would it have cheered the separation on both sides, were my dear
father a believer! But it made my heart indeed sad to see him, in all
human probability, for the last time, without having Scriptural
ground for hope respecting his soul.--I arrived in the afternoon at
Magdeburg, and went to a brother, a musician in one of the regiments
of that fortress, who is on the point of leaving the army to go to
the East Indies as a Missionary. In his lodgings I saw another
brother, a private soldier, who lives in the barracks, who told me,
on my enquiring, that he goes into the sand cellar, which is
perfectly dark, in order to obtain opportunity for secret prayer. How
great the privileges of those who may freely have both time and place
for retirement; but how great, at the same time, our obligation to
improve these opportunities!-This evening at eight I went on board
an Elbe-steamer for Hamburg.
April 30. This morning at seven I arrived at Hamburg. Nothing
particular happened during the passage, except that we stuck fast, in
a shallow part of the river, through the carelessness of one of the
sailors; but the Lord heard prayer, and after a little while the
steamer could ply again.
May 1. Yesterday and today I spent in an hotel at Hamburg in writing
letters. I had also, though staying at an hotel, much real communion
with God in reading the Scriptures and in prayer. This evening I
embarked for London.
May 4. London. Left Hamburg on the 2nd. Had a fine passage. I have,
by the mercy of God, been kept from light and trifling conversation;
but I have not confessed the Lord Jesus as plainly as I ought to have
done. This afternoon I arrived at the house of my dear friends in
London, who received me with their usual kindness. After prayer I see
it my duty to leave tomorrow for Leamington, to see my physician
there once more, and then to go as soon as I can to Bristol.
May 5. Leamington. Through the mercy of the Lord the journey to
Germany, concerning which I had prayed so often, is now over, and I
am safely brought back again to this place.--It has been a wet and
cold day, but God has in mercy preserved me from injury, though I got
wet. I had some conversation with a clergyman on the coach; I
confessed the Lord Christ a little, but not plainly enough.--I had
asked the Lord to give me a quiet and cheap resting place in my
former lodgings, if it might be, and accordingly they were unlet.
May 7. This morning I left Leamington for Bristol. I had grace to
confess the Lord Jesus the last part of the way before several merry
passengers, and had the honour of being ridiculed for His sake. There
are few things in which I feel more entirely dependant upon the Lord,
than in confessing Him on such occasions. Sometimes I have, by grace,
had much real boldness; but often I have manifested the greatest
weakness, doing no more than refraining entirely from unholy
conversation, without, however, speaking a single word for Him who
toiled beyond measure for me. No other remedy do I know for myself
and any of my fellow-saints who are weak, like myself, in this
particular, than to seek to have the heart so full of Jesus, and to
live so in the realization of what He has done for us, that, without
any effort, out of the full heart, we may speak for Him.--I found my
dear family in peace.
May 8. This evening I went to the prayer meeting at Gideon. I read
Psalm ciii, and was able to thank the Lord publicly for my late
affliction. This is the first time that I have taken any part in the
public meetings of the brethren, since November 6th, 1837.
May 13. Today I was much helped in expounding the Scriptures
publicly. When I began I knew not how the Lord would deal with me,
whether I should be able to speak or not, as my head is still very
weak. But the Lord helped me. I did not feel any loss of mental
power. How gracious of the Lord to allow me again to commence serving
Him in the ministry of His word.--[For several months after this I
preached, on the whole, with much more enjoyment, and with much more
earnestness and prayerfulness, than I did before I was taken ill. I
also felt more the solemnity of the work.]
June 11. A stranger called on me, and told me, that, many years ago,
he had defrauded two gentlemen of a small sum, and that he wished to
restore the same with interest. He also stated that he had read my
Narrative, and, feeling confidence in me, he requested me to convey
this money to those gentlemen, giving me, at the same time, their
names and place of abode. He intrusted me with four sovereigns for
each of them. At the same time he gave me one sovereign for myself,
as a token of Christian love. I never saw the individual before, nor
do I up to this moment know his name. I conveyed this money, however,
not by post, as he wished but through two bank orders, in order that
thus I might be able to show, should it be needful, that I actually
did send the money; for in all such matters it becomes one to act
with particular caution.--It may be that this fact will be read by
some who have, like this stranger, before their conversion, defrauded
certain individuals. If so, let them like him, or like Zaccheus of
old, restore what they took, and, if they have the means, with
interest, or compound interest.
June 13. Last evening my dear wife was taken ill. Often had I prayed
respecting her hour, and now was the time to look out for the answer.
She continued in most severe sufferings from a little after nine
until midnight. Thus hour after hour passed away, until eleven this
morning. Another medical attendant was then called in, at the desire
of the one who attended her. At three in the afternoon she was
delivered of a still-born child.--The whole of the night I was in
prayer, as far as my strength allowed me. I cried at last for MERCY,
and God heard.
June 14. My dearest wife is alive, but I am depending upon God for
her life every moment. She is in much peace. A sister gave me this
evening 5l. on account of dear Marys illness.--[Again we had not
thought it well to make pecuniary provision for this time, though at
no period of my life had I more abundant means of doing so than
during the last few months; but our gracious Father helped us
abundantly in this and in other instances, as I shall mention below.]
June 22. Today there was sent to us anonymously, by post, 5l. for our
own personal expenses, at this the time of our affliction, when our
expenses are so great. The donor accompanied the 5l. note with an
affectionate letter to my wife and myself.
July 6. My dear wife, who for more than a fortnight after her
delivery was so ill, that the two medical attendants came twice or
three times daily, seems now, humanly speaking, likely to recover,
and to be given back to me as from the dead. Lord, help me so to
receive her!
July 12. From the commencement of the establishment of the
Orphan-houses, up to the end of June 1838, the hand of the Lord was
seen in the abundance with which He was pleased to supply me with the
means for maintaining nearly 100 persons. Now, however, the time is
come when "the Father of the fatherless" will show His especial care
over them in another way.--The funds, which were this day twelvemonth
about 780l., are now reduced to about 20l.; but, thanks be to the
Lord, my faith is as strong, or stronger, than it was when we had the
larger sum in hand; nor has He at any time, from the commencement of
the work, allowed me to distrust Him. Nevertheless, as our Lord will
be inquired of, and as real faith is manifested as such by leading to
prayer, I gave myself to prayer with brother T---- of the Boys
Orphan-House, who had called on me, and who, besides my wife, and
brother Craik, is the only individual to whom I speak about the state
of the funds. While we were praying, an orphan child from Frome was
brought, and some believers at Frome, having collected among them
5l., sent this money with the child. Thus we received the first
answer at a time of need. We have given notice for seven children to
come in, and purpose to give notice for five more, though our funds
are so low, hoping that God will look on our necessities. [Observe
how gently the Lord dealt with us, in that, when want approached, He
helped at once, in immediate answer to prayer, in order thus to
increase our confidence in Him; but, at the same time, to prepare us
for sharper trials of our faith.]
June 17 and 18. These two days we have had two especial prayer
meetings, from 6 to 9 in the evening, to commend publicly to the Lord
the Boys Orphan-House. The meetings had been deferred until now, on
account of my illness. In the morning of the 18th I expounded, with
especial reference to children, 1 Samuel iii., before above 550
children, being our Orphan and Day-School children, and, as many as
could come, of those belonging to the Sunday-School. What a great
work! What an honour to be allowed to provide Scriptural instruction
for so many little ones. Lord, help me to make use of my talents for
the benefit of the rising generation, and let me serve my generation
according to Thy will!-Our funds for the Orphans are now very low.
There are about 20l. in hand, and in a few days 30l. at least will be
needed; but I purposely avoided saying any thing about our present
necessities, and spoke only, to the praise of God, about the
abundance with which our gracious Father, "The Father of the
fatherless," has hitherto supplied us. This was done in order that
the hand of God, in sending help, may be so much the more clearly
seen.
July 22. This evening I was walking in our little garden, meditating
on Heb. xiii. 8, "Jesus Christ the same yesterday, and today, and for
ever." Whilst meditating on His unchangeable love, power, wisdom,
&c.--and turning all, as I went on, into prayer respecting myself;
and whilst applying likewise His unchangeable love, and power, and
wisdom, &c., both to my present spiritual and temporal circumstances:-all
at once the present need of the Orphan-Houses was brought to my
mind. Immediately I was led to say to myself, Jesus in His love and
power has hitherto supplied me with what I have needed for the
Orphans, and in the same unchangeable love and power He will provide
me with what I may need for the future. A flow of joy came into my
soul whilst realizing thus the unchangeableness of our adorable Lord.
About one minute after, a letter was brought me, enclosing a bill for
20l. In it was written: "Will you apply the amount of the enclosed
bill to the furtherance of the objects of your Scriptural Knowledge
Society, or of your Orphan Establishment, or in the work and cause of
our Master in any way that He Himself, on your application to Him,
may point out to you. It is not a great sum, but it is a sufficient
provision for the exigency of today; and it is for todays
exigencies, that, ordinarily, the Lord provides. Tomorrow, as it
brings its demands, will find its supply, etc." [Of this 20l. I took
10l. for the Orphan fund, and 10l. for the other objects, and was
thus enabled to meet the expenses of about 34l. which, in connection
with the Orphan-Houses, came upon me within four days afterwards, and
which I knew beforehand would come.]
On July 26 sailed from Liverpool for the East Indies, for Missionary
service, twelve German brethren and three sisters, as the result of
the journey of brother ---- and myself to the Continent, in April last.
July 27. Yesterday the funds for the Orphans were reduced to 5l.
Blessed be God, my confidence in Him was unshaken! I received
yesterday 2l. 13s. Today I was going with my family for change of air
to Durdham Down, and thought it well, therefore, to take out any
money which there might be in the Orphan-Box in my house. When I
opened it, I found a ten pound note and three half crowns. I had been
waiting on God for means, both yesterday and today, and thus He has
again shown how willing He is to help.
Aug. 6. During this week I shall have to pay again at least 35l. for
the Orphans, and have but about 19l. towards it. My eyes are up to
the "Father of the fatherless." I believe He will help, though I knew
not how.
Aug. 7. How graciously has the Lord again appeared, and that in so
short a time! How has he sent help, from altogether unexpected
quarters! I have been praying yesterday and today earnestly,
beseeching the Lord now to appear, and show His power, that the
enemies might not say, "Where is now thy God?" I reminded Him
especially, that I had commenced the work that it might be seen, that
He, even in our day, is willing to answer prayer, and that the
provision for our Orphans might be a visible proof to all around us
of this truth. And now observe! Last evening brother Craik told me
that 10l. had been given him for the work in our hands; 5l. for the
Orphans, and 5l. for the SchoolBibleand Missionary fund. Today,
having to pay 25l., and not having quite enough, when I went to
brother T---- for the money which he might have received, as I knew that
25s. had been given to him, I took with me the keys of the boxes in
the Orphan-Houses, to see whether the Lord had sent in a little. I
opened the box in the Boys-Orphan-House, and found 1l. 7s. 5 ½d.
Immediately after I received from brother T---- 13l. 19s. 10d., the
greater part of which, as he told me, had come in within the last few
days. Thus our adorable Lord has once more delivered; for I have now
even more than enough to meet the current expenses of this week.
Aug. 16. When today the account books of the Boys-Orphan-House were
brought, several days sooner than I had expected them, it was found
that there was 1l. 6s. 6d. due to the matron. Besides this, money was
to be advanced for house-keeping, and there was only 13s. 5 1/2d. in
hand. To this one of those connected with the work added 2l. This 2l.
13s. 5 1/2d. was sent to the matron, whilst we were waiting upon God
to send more help. In the evening the boxes at the Girls and
Infant-Orphan-Houses were opened, and in them was found 3l. 7s. 5
1/2d. Thus the Lord has kindly helped us again for two or three days.
Aug. 18. I have not one penny in hand for the Orphans. In a day or
two again many pounds will be needed. My eyes are up to the Lord.
Evening. Before this day is over, I have received from a sister 5l.
She had some time since put away her trinkets, to be sold for the
benefit of the Orphans. This morning, whilst in prayer, it came to
her mind, I have this 5l., and owe no man any thing, therefore it
would be better to give this money at once, as it may be some time,
before I can dispose of the trinkets. She therefore brought it,
little knowing that there was not a penny in hand, and that I had
been able to advance only 4l. l5s. 5d. for housekeeping in the
Boys-Orphan-House, instead of the usual 10l.; little knowing also,
that within a few days many pounds more will be needed. May my soul
be greatly encouraged by this fresh token of my gracious Lords
faithfulness!
Aug. 20. The 5l. which I had received on the 18th, had been given for
house-keeping, so that today I was again penniless. But my eyes were
up to the Lord. I gave myself to prayer this morning, knowing that I
should want again this week at least 13l., if not above 20l. Today I
received 12l. in answer to prayer, from a lady who is staying at
Clifton, whom I had never seen before. Adorable Lord, grant that this
may be a fresh encouragement to me.
Aug. 23. Today I was again without one single penny, when 3l. was
sent from Clapham, with a box of new clothes for the Orphans.
Aug. 29. Today sixteen believers were baptized. Of all the baptisms
which we have had, this was, perhaps, the most remarkable. Among
those who were baptized was an aged brother of above 84 years, and
one above 70. For the latter his believing wife had prayed 38 years,
and at last the Lord answered her prayers in his conversion. Should
any believer who may read this, be on the point of growing weary in
prayer for his unconverted relatives, because of the answer being
delayed, the above fact may be instrumental in stirring up such a one
to give himself to prayer with renewed earnestness and strengthened
expectation. "In due season we shall reap, if we faint not." There
were also amongst those who were baptized a blind brother and sister,
and two very young persons.
Aug. 31. I have been waiting on the Lord for means, as the matrons
books from the Girls-Orphan-House have been brought, and there is no
money in hand to advance for house-keeping. But as yet the Lord has
not been pleased to send help. As the matron called today for money,
one of the labourers gave 2l. of his own, for the present necessities.
Sept. 1. The Lord in His wisdom and love has not yet sent help.
Whence it is to come, need not be my care. But I believe God will, in
due time, send help. His hour is not yet come. As there was money
needed in the Boys-Orphan-House also, the same brother, just alluded
to, gave 2l. for that also. Thus we were delivered at this time
likewise. But now his means are gone. This is the most trying hour
that as yet I have had in the work, as it regards means; but I know
that I shall yet praise the Lord for His help. I have mentioned my
arguments before Him, and my gracious Lord, "the Father of the
fatherless," will send help.
Sept. 3. This morning the Lord again helped by 2l., which another
labourer connected with the work gave. This 2l., together with
sixpence which had been given anonymously, was sent off to the
Girls-Orphan-House, where all the money must be gone. There came in
further 1l. 14s. 8d. in the course of the day, which was given to the
matron of the Boys-Orphan-House.