Trowbridge. I was, on the whole, very happy, and habitually at peace,
and had repeatedly much communion with God; but still I had not the
same earnestness in prayer, nor did I, in other respects, enjoy the
same degree of fervency of spirit, with which the Lord had favoured
me for several days previous to this period.While the considerable
degree of fervency of spirit, which I had had, was altogether the
gift of God, still I have to ascribe to myself the loss of it. It is
remarkable, that the same book, Whitfields Life, which was
instrumental in stirring me up to seek after such a frame of heart,
was also instrumental in depriving me of it, in some measure,
afterwards. I once or twice read that book when I ought to have read
the Bible on my knees, and thus was robbed of a blessing.
Nevertheless, on the whole, even this period was a good season.--My
health being not at all improved, it seemed best that I should give
up all medicine for a while, and take a tour; on which account I left
Trowbridge today and went to Bath, with the object of going from
thence to Oxford. I had grace today to confess the Lord Jesus on my
way from Trowbridge to Bath, as also twice, lately, in going from
Trowbridge to Bristol; but I was also twice silent. Oh that my heart
may be filled with the love of Jesus, in order that it maybe filled
with love for perishing sinners!
Feb. 3. I left Bath this morning, and arrived in the evening at
Oxford, where I was very kindly received by brother and sister ----,
and the sisters ----.
Feb. 7. Oxford. I had been praying repeatedly yesterday and the day
before, that the Lord would be pleased to guide me, whether I should
leave this place or not; but could not see it clearly to be His will
that I should do so, and therefore determined to stay. Now, as I am
able to have a quiet horse, I shall try horse exercise, if it may
please the Lord to bless that to the benefit of my health.
Feb. 10. I have had horse exercise for the last three days, but the
horse is now ill. "Mine hour is not yet come," is the Lords voice to
me in this little circumstance.
Feb. 11. This morning I was directed to read Proverbs iii. 5-12,
having just a few minutes to fill up before breakfast. I was
particularly struck with those words: "Neither be weary of His
correction." I have not been allowed to despise the chastening of the
Lord, but I begin, now and then, to feel somewhat weary of His
correction. O Lord, have mercy upon Thy poor unworthy servant! Thou
knowest, that, after the inner man, I desire patiently to bear this
affliction, and not to have it removed till it has done its work in
me, and yielded the peaceable fruits of righteousness. But Thou
knowest also what a trial it is to me to continue the life I am now
living. Help, Lord, according to my need!
On Feb. 8th I sent a letter to the church in Bristol, which, having
been preserved, I give here in print, as it shows the way in which
the Lord dealt with me during and through the instrumentality of the
affliction, and which, with His blessing, may lead one or other of
the children of God who are in trial, quietly to wait for the end,
and to look out for blessings to be bestowed upon them through the
instrumentality of the trial.
To the Saints, united together in Fellowship, and assembling at
Bethesda and Gideon Chapels, Bristol.
Trowbridge, Feb. 1, 1838.
Dear Brethren,
Twelve weeks have passed away, since I last ministered among you. I
should have written to you repeatedly, during that period, had I not
thought it better to put aside every mental occupation which could be
deferred, as my head is unfit for mental exertion; but I would now
rather write a few lines, than appear unmindful of you. You are dear
to me; yea, so dear, that I desire to live and die with you, if our
Lord permit; and why should I not tell you so by letter? I will
write, then, as a token of brotherly remembrance and of love towards
you; and may it be a means of quickening you to prayer on my behalf.
In looking back upon my past life, I know not where to begin, and
where to end, in making mention of the Lords mercies. His
long-suffering towards me in the days of my unregeneracy cannot be
described. You know a little of my sinful life, before I was brought
to the Lord; still you know but very little. If, however, I have much
reason to praise God for His mercies towards me in those days, I have
more abundant reason to admire His gentleness, long-suffering, and
faithfulness towards me since I have known Him. He has step by step
led me on, and He has not broken the bruised reed. His gentleness
towards me has been great indeed, very great. (Brethren, let us
follow God, in dealing gently with each other!) He has borne with my
coldness, half-heartedness, and backsliding. In the midst of it all,
He has treated me as His child. How can I sufficiently praise Him for
this long-suffering? (Brethren, let us imitate our Father, let us
bear long, and suffer long with each other!) He has been always the
same gracious, kind, loving Father, Friend, Supporter, Teacher,
Comforter, and all in all to me, as He was at the beginning. No
variableness has been found in Him towards me, though I have again
and again provoked Him. I say this to my shame. (Brethren, let us
seek to be faithful, in the Lord, towards each other! Let us seek to
love each other in the truth, and for the truths sake, without
variableness! It is easy, comparatively, to begin to love; but it
requires much watchfulness, not to grow weary in love, when little or
no love is returned; yea, when we are unkindly treated, instead of
being loved. But as our gracious, faithful God, notwithstanding all
our variableness, loves us without change, so should we, His
children, love each other. Lord, help us so to do!)
Besides this gentleness, long-suffering, and faithfulness, which the
Lord has manifested towards me, and which I have experienced in
common with you all, the Lord has bestowed upon me peculiar blessings
and privileges. One of the chief is, that He has condescended to call
me for the ministry of His word. How can I praise Him sufficiently
for this! One who was such a sinner, such a servant of Satan, so fit
for hell, so deserving of everlasting destruction, was not merely
cleansed from sin and made a child of God through faith in the Lord
Jesus, and thus fitted for heaven, and did not merely receive the
sure promise that he should have eternal glory; but was also called
unto, and, in a measure, qualified for the expounding of the word of
God. I magnify Him for this honour!-But more than this. More than
eleven years, with very little interruption, have I been allowed,
more or less, to preach the Word. My soul does magnify the Lord for
this! More still. The Lord has condescended to use me as an
instrument in converting many sinners, and, in a measure at least, in
benefiting many of His children. For this honour I do now praise God,
and shall praise Him not merely as long as I live, but as long as I
have a being. But I do not stop here. I have many other reasons to
speak well of the Lord, but I would only mention one. It is my
present affliction. Yes, my present affliction is among the many
things, for which I have very much reason to praise God; and I do
praise Him for it. Before you, before the whole church of Christ, and
before the world would I confess that God has dealt in very kindness
towards me in this affliction. I own, I have not borne it without
impatience and fretfulness; I own, I have been several times overcome
by irritability of temper on account of it; but nevertheless, after
the inner man, I praise God for the affliction, and I do desire from
my heart, that it may truly benefit me, and that it may not be
removed till the end has been answered, for which it has been sent.
God has blessed me in this trial, and is still blessing me.--As I know
you love me, (unworthy as I am of it), and feel interested about me,
I mention a few of the many mercies with which God has favoured me
during these twelve weeks. 1. At the commencement of my illness, when
my head was affected in a manner quite new to me, and when thus it
continued day after day, I feared lest I should lose my reason.--This
created more real internal suffering than ever I had known before.
But our gracious Lord supported me. His precious gospel was full of
comfort to me. All, all will be well, was invariably the conclusion,
the conclusion grounded upon Scripture, to which I came; yea, all
will be well with me eternally, though the heaviest of all earthly
trials should coins upon me, even that of dying in a state of
insanity.--I was once near death, as I then thought, nearly nine years
ago: I was full of comfort at that time; but to be comfortable,--to
be able quietly to repose upon God, with the prospect of an
affliction before one, such as I have now mentioned,--is more than to
be comfortable in the prospect of death, at least for a
believer.--Now, is it not well to be afflicted, in order to obtain
such an experience? And have I not reason, therefore, to thank God
for this affliction?
Oxford, Feb. 6, 1838.
When I began to write the foregoing lines, beloved brethren, I
intended to write but very briefly; but as I love you, and as I have
abundant reason to magnify the Lord, my pen ran on, till my head
would follow no longer.--I go on now to mention some other mercies
which the Lord has bestowed upon me, through my present affliction.
2. Through being deprived for so long a time of the privilege of
preaching the Word to sinners and saints, the Lord has been pleased
to create in me a longing for this blessed work, and to give me at
the same time to feel the importance of it, in a degree in which I
never had experienced it before. Thus the Lord has fitted me somewhat
more for His work, by laying me aside from it. Good therefore is the
Lord, and kind indeed, in disabling me from preaching. Great has been
my trial, after the self-willed old nature, not to be able to preach;
and long ere this, unfit as I was for it, I should have resumed the
work, had I followed my own will; but hitherto have I considered it
most for the glory of God, quietly to refrain from outward service,
in order to glorify Him by patient submission, till my Lord shall be
pleased to condescend to call His servant forth again for active
engagements. And then, I know, He will give me grace, cheerfully to
go back to the delightful service of pointing sinners to the Lamb of
God, and of feeding the church.
3. Through this affliction I have known experimentally in a higher
degree than I knew it before, how, if obliged to refrain from active
service, one can nevertheless as really and truly help the armies of
Jesus, through secret prayer, as if one were actively engaged in the
proclamation of the truth.--This point brings to my mind a truth, of
which we all need to be reminded frequently, even this, that at all
times, and under all circumstances, we may really and truly serve the
Lord, and fight for His kingdom, by seeking to manifest His mind, and
by giving ourselves to prayer.
4. Through the instrumentality of this affliction the Lord has been
pleased to show me, how I may lay out myself more fully for His
service in the proclamation of His truth; and, by His grace, if ever
restored for active service, I purpose to practice what He has shown
me.
5. Through being deprived so much from meeting with the brethren as I
have been these thirteen weeks, I have learned somewhat more to value
this privilege than I did before. For as my head has been much
affected, even through one meeting on the Lords day, I have seen how
highly I ought to have prized the days, when twice or thrice I could
meet with the saints, without suffering from it.--Bear with me,
brethren, when I beseech you, highly to esteem the opportunities of
assembling yourselves together. Precede them with prayer; for only in
as much as you do so, have you a right to expect a blessing from
them. Seek to treasure up, not merely in your memory, but in your
heart, the truths which you hear; for soon you may be deprived of
these privileges, and soon you may be called upon to practice what
you hear. Brethren, let us not learn the greatness of our privileges,
by being deprived of them.--
I also delight in mentioning some of the particulars in which the
Lords kindness to me has appeared in this affliction, and whereby He
has shown, that He does not lay more on us, than is absolutely
needful.
1. You know, that since May, 1836, I was able to walk but little.
This infirmity the Lord entirely removed, just before I became
afflicted in my head. This was exceedingly kind; for air and exercise
are the only means, which almost immediately relieve my head. How
much greater would have been the affliction, had I not been able to
walk about in the air!-Truly, "He stayeth His rough wind, in the day
of His east wind." I delight in pointing out the gentleness of the
stroke.
Oxford, Feb. 7, 1838.
2. The Lord might have chosen to confine me to my bed, and kept me
there in much pain these thirteen weeks, for the sake of teaching me
the lessons which He purposes me to learn through this affliction;
instead of this, the pain in my head has been so slight, that it
would not be worth mentioning, were it not connected with a weakness
of the mental faculties, which allows of but little exertion.
3. Further, it might have pleased the Lord to incapacitate me
altogether for active service, but instead of this, He has still
allowed me, in some small measure, to help by my judgment in some
church matters, to write some letters in His service, to speak now
and then a word to believers for the furtherance of their faith, and
to confess His name repeatedly before unconverted persons, with whom
I have met on my journeys. Besides all this, I have had strength for
other work connected with the kingdom of Jesus Christ.
4. In one other point the Lord has been especially gracious to me, in
that, while I have been unable to preach, unable to write or read
much, or even to converse for any length of time with the brethren,
He has allowed me always sufficient strength for as much secret
prayer as I desired. Even praying with others has been often trying
to my head; but prayer in secret has not only never tried my head,
but has been habitually (I mean the act of prayer) a relief to my
head. Oh! how can I sufficiently praise God for this. How
comparatively slight are any trials to a child of God, as long as
under them he is enabled to converse freely with his Father! And so
sweet has been this communion with my Father, a few times, and so
have I been enabled to pour out my heart before Him, that whilst
those favoured seasons have lasted, I not only felt the affliction to
be no affliction, and could call it, from my heart, sweet affliction;
but I was almost unwilling soon to go back to the multiplicity of
engagements in Bristol, lest I should not have leisure to continue so
much in prayer, meditation, and the study of His word. Shall I not
then praise my Father for such dealings with me? Do I not even now
see this affliction working for my good? I say, therefore, after the
inward man: Father, continue Thy hand upon me, as long as it shall
seem good in Thy sight, only bless my soul!-But, brethren, do not
mistake me, as if I meant that I prayed habitually with much
earnestness. O no! I pray a little habitually, I pray now and then
much; but I pray by no means as much as my strength and present time
allow me. Therefore ask God on my behalf, that grace may be given me,
habitually to pray much; and you will surely be profited by it.--But I
could not help alluding to this point, as the Lords kindness is so
particularly seen in this matter.
5. Lastly, I cannot omit mentioning the kindness of the Lord, in
opening the houses of some of His children at Bath, Trowbridge, and
Oxford for me, during this my affliction. These dear saints have
shown me much kindness. But while I would be grateful to them for it,
I discern the hand of God in influencing their hearts. Moreover, I
have had kind medical attendants. And you, my dear brethren, though I
have been unable to minister among you, have continued to supply my
temporal wants, for which I thank you, and in all of which I see the
gracious, loving hand of my Father, who through all this, as by a
voice from heaven, tells me: "My child, even bodily health and
strength would I give, were it good for thee." I therefore desire to
wait for the good pleasure of my God concerning this point.
Your love will naturally ask, how I now am in body. My disease, as my
kind medical friends tell me, is an inactive liver, which causes the
pain in the head, and the inability of exerting my mind for any
length of time. In addition to this, the nerves of the head seem to
have suffered through over-exertion. As medicine had been tried for
about ten weeks, and had not given relief, it appeared well, that I
should give it up for a time, and simply travel about for the benefit
of the air. My own experience teaches me, that this means is
beneficial; for it gives almost immediate relief. In consequence of
this, I left Trowbridge last Friday, and arrived on Saturday evening
at Oxford, where I am staying with dear brother and sister B. I have
here all that brotherly love can do for me, and am in every way
comfortable. It is now a week since I have given up medicine, and I
am at least not worse, if not better; but I think I am a little
better. I wait on the Lord to show me His will, as to the place to
which I should go next.
As to my inner man, I am in peace, generally in peace, and long for
more conformity to the mind of Christ. My chief desire is, that if it
shall ever please the Lord to restore me again, to be sent back to
active service with increased humility, greater earnestness in the
work, greater love for perishing sinners, and a heart habitually
influenced by the truths which I preach.--Whether I shall ever be
restored for the work, I cannot say with certainty; but, if I may
judge from the Lords dealings with me in former times, I have reason
to believe, that I shall yet be allowed to labour again.
In conclusion, dear brethren, pray for my dear brother and
fellow-labourer. Esteem him highly in the Lord; for He is worthy of
all honour.-I would write more, for I have much more to speak of; but
as I purpose, if God allows me the pleasure, to write again soon, I
leave it till then. Farewell.
Your affectionate brother and servant in the Lord,
GEORGE MULLER.
Feb. 13. These ten days I have been staying in Oxford, though I came
only for one or two; but I have stayed to see the Lords hand leading
me away from hence. I have now been led to decide on going to
Lutterworth to see brother-, to converse with him about accompanying
him on a journey to the Continent, with reference to Missionary
objects. When I had come to this decision, I took another ride, the
horse being well again; but now this formerly quiet horse was
self-willed and shy, which does not at all suit me in the weak state
of my nervous system. As horse exercise had kept me here longer than
I had intended to stay, and as I cannot now ride on this horse which
before suited me so well, I see, even in this, in itself, trifling
circumstance, a confirmation that I had been right in my decision to
leave Oxford.
Feb. 16. Lutterworth. I arrived here on the evening of the 14th. I
have been decidedly worse since I have been here, and was obliged
again to have recourse to medicine. A brother having strongly
recommended me, whilst in Oxford, to go to Leamington on account of
my health, and having at the same time offered to pay my expenses
during my stay there, and being now so very unwell again, and so near
Leamington, I decided to-night upon accepting his kindness, provided
that my kind physician in Bristol had no objection.
Feb. 17. Leamington. I left Lutterworth this morning, where I have
received much kindness. There was no inside place, and I was very
unwell; but the fear of being quite laid up at Lutterworth, and
becoming burthensome to those dear saints who had received me into
their house though a stranger to them; and having still no desirable
medical advice; and the remembrance that the Lord had graciously
enabled me, even lately, to travel outside in cold weather; induced
me to get on the coach, and I rode off in a heavy fall of snow. But
God had mercy. After eight miles ride, at Rugby, I obtained an inside
place. The rest of the way was crowned with mercies. I had a room to
myself at Southam, found a suitable dinner just ready, had an inside
place to Leamington, and was preserved by the way, though the
coachman was quite intoxicated, and drove furiously.--I had asked the
Lord to let me find a suitable and cheap lodging at Leamington, and
the first lodging I saw I took, for which I pay only ten shillings
weekly. Thus, a few minutes after my arrival, I sat comfortably at my
own fireside. How very kind of the Lord!
Feb. 26. Yesterday and today I have suffered again in my head, though
I have been on the whole better since I have taken the Leamington
waters. But far more trying has been the internal conflict which I
have had. Grace fought against evil suggestions of one kind and
another, and prevailed; but it was a very trying season. This was
much increased by receiving neither yesterday nor today a letter from
my dear wife. Grace sought out for reasons why she had not written;
nevertheless it was a very trying season. Today I earnestly prayed to
God to send my wife to me, as I feel that by being alone, and
afflicted as I am in my bead, and thus fit for little mental
employment, Satan gets an advantage over me.
Feb. 27. God has had mercy upon me. The sore and sharp trial, the
very bitter conflict is over.--This morning also I received a letter,
which ought to have come yesterday, and which showed me that my dear
wife had not been remiss in writing. She announced her purpose of
coming today, and God, in mercy to me, brought her safely.
March 3. My head has been on the whole better these two weeks, than
it has been for several months; but still I am not well. I have
walked every day, for the last thirteen days, between three and four
hours a day, and by the mercy of God am able to do so, without much
fatigue.
March 11. My health is much the same. I am pretty well, but have no
mental energy.--I have read during the last weeks once more, with as
much or more interest than ever, I. and II. of Samuel, and I. and II.
of Kings.-I have now, after repeated prayer, come to the conclusion,
(if brother Craik, to whom I have written, sees no objection, and if
my physician thinks it would be beneficial to my health,) to
accompany brother--to Germany, that thus; 1, I might aid him by my
advice in reference to the object of his journey; 2, that thus, if
the Lord will, through the journey and the benefit of my native air,
my health might be benefited; and 3, that I might once more have an
opportunity of setting the truth before my father and brother.
March 12. I feel quite comfortable in the prospect of going to
Germany. I trust it will prove to be as much of God, as it was shown
to have been the last time.
March 13. I had a letter today from brother Craik, who thinks it
desirable that I should go to Germany, but my physician says that I
should not go for a month or two, for that my mind ought not to be
burdened. I am in peace, and from this I see that the Lord has made
me willing to do His and not my own will. I wrote to brotherthe
result of today, and have now left it with him, whether he will wait,
or go on the 21st, as he purposes.
March 1420. During these days, as before, I have continued to read
the Scriptures with prayer, i. e. turning what I read into prayer,
chiefly with a reference to myself. My days generally pass away in
peace. It is a trial to me, to have to care so much about my body;
but, on the whole, the Lord gives me grace to submit patiently, yet
not always. Today I saw again my medical adviser, who wishes me to
stay another week.
March 23, Today I received a letter from brother ----. He is not gone,
and will wait for me. I have increased assurance that I shall go to
Berlin, and have comfort in the thought.
March 24. A few days ago I had particular comfort in meditating on
the Lords prayer in Luke (which came in the course of my
meditation), after having been tempted to pass it over, as it had
been the subject of my meditation a short time before.--Within the
last fortnight I have read with meditation and prayer from the 4th to
the 12th chapter of the Gospel by Luke.
April 2. For some time I have been getting weary of my stay here.
Yesterday I pleaded especially that word Psalm ciii. 13: "Like as a
father pitieth his children, so the Lord pitieth them that fear Him."
I begged God to pity me, and to release me from the necessity of
staying any longer at Leamington, if it might be. Today I saw my
physician, and he has allowed me to leave. Thus the Lord has granted
my request.
April 3. My dear Mary left for Bristol, and I for London, on my way
to Germany. I was led to read, this morning, Psalm cxxi. with my dear
wife before we separated, which we both felt to be very appropriate
to our circumstances.
April 6. This evening I went on board the steamer for Hamburg.
April 7. All the day ill from sea sickness.