_Scene the First--At the GALAHAD-GREEN'S._
MRS. G.-G. Galahad!
MR. G.-G. (_meekly_). My love?
MRS. G.-G. I see that the proprietors of _All Sorts_ are going to follow
the American example, and offer a prize of L20 to the wife who makes out
the best case for her husband as a Model. It's just as well, perhaps,
that you should know that I've made up my mind to enter _you_!
MR. G.-G. (_gratified_). My dear Cornelia! really, I'd no idea you had
such a----
MRS. G.-G. Nonsense! The drawing-room carpet is a perfect disgrace, and,
as you can't, or won't, provide the money in any _other_ way,
why----Would you like to hear what I've said about you?
MR. G.-G. Well, if you're sure it wouldn't be troubling you too much, I
_should_, my dear.
MRS. G.-G. Then sit where I can see you, and listen. (_She reads._)
"Irreproachable in all that pertains to morality"--(and it would be a
bad day indeed for you, Galahad, if I ever had cause to think
_otherwise_!)--"morality; scrupulously dainty and neat in his
person"--(ah, you may well blush, Galahad, but fortunately, they won't
want me to _produce_ you!)--"he imports into our happy home the delicate
refinement of a _preux chevalier_ of the olden time." (Will you kindly
take your dirty boots off the steel fender!) "We rule our little kingdom
with a joint and equal sway, to which jealousy and friction are alike
unknown; he, considerate and indulgent to my womanly weakness"--(You
need not stare at me in that perfectly idiotic fashion!)--"I, looking to
him for the wise and tender support which has never yet been denied. The
close and daily scrutiny of many years has discovered"--(What are you
shaking like _that_ for?)--"discovered no single weakness; no taint or
flaw of character; no irritating trick of speech or habit." (How often
have I told you that I will _not_ have the handle of that paper-knife
sucked? Put it down; do!) "His conversation--sparkling but ever
spiritual--renders our modest meals veritable feasts of fancy and flows
of soul.... _Well_, Galahad?"
MR. G.-G. Nothing, my dear; nothing. It struck me as, well,--a trifle
_flowery_, that last passage, that's all!
MRS. G.-G. (_severely_). If I cannot expect to win the prize without
descending to floweriness, whose fault is _that_, I should like to know?
If you can't make sensible observations, you had better not speak at
all. (_Continuing._) "Over and over again, gathering me in his strong,
loving arms, and pressing fervent kisses upon my forehead, he has cried,
'Why am I not a Monarch that so I could place a diadem upon that brow?
With such a Consort am I not doubly crowned?'" Have you anything to say
to _that_, Galahad?
MR. G.-G. Only, my love, that I--I don't seem to remember having made
that particular remark.
MRS. G.-G. Then make it _now_. I'm sure I wish to be as accurate as I
_can_.
[_MR. G.-G. makes the remark--but without fervour._
_Scene the Second--At the MONARCH-JONES'._
MR. M.-J. Twenty quid would come in precious handy just now, after all
I've dropped lately, and I mean to pouch that prize if I can--so just
you sit down, Grizzle, and write out what I tell you; do you hear?
MRS. M.-J. (_timidly_). But, Monarch, dear, would that be quite _fair_?
No, don't be angry, I didn't mean that--I'll write whatever you please!
MR. M.-J. You'd _better_, that's all! Are you ready? I must screw myself
up another peg before I begin. (_He screws._) Now, then. (_Stands over
her and dictates._) "To the polished urbanity of a perfect gentleman he
unites the kindly charity of a true Christian." (Why the devil don't you
learn to write decently, eh?) "Liberal, and even lavish, in all his
dealings, he is yet a stern foe to every kind of excess"--(Hold on a
bit, I must have another nip after that)--"every kind of excess. Our
married life is one long dream of blissful contentment, in which each
contends with the other in loving self-sacrifice." (Haven't you corked
all that down _yet_!) "Such cares and anxieties as he has he conceals
from me with scrupulous consideration as long as possible"--(Gad, I
should be a fool if I _didn't_!)--"while I am ever sure of finding in
him a patient and sympathetic listener to all my trifling worries and
difficulties."--(_Two_ f's in difficulties, you little fool--can't you
even _spell_?) "Many a time, falling on his knees at my feet, he has
rapturously exclaimed, his accents broken by manly emotion, 'Oh, that I
were more worthy of such a pearl among women! With such a helpmate, I
am indeed to be envied!'" That _ought_ to do the trick. If I don't romp
in after that!----(_Observing that MRS. M.-J.'S shoulders are
convulsed._) What the dooce are you giggling at _now_?