_For over half-a-mile the pavement on the East side of the road is
thronged with promenaders, and the curbstone lined with stalls and
barrows, and hawkers of various wares. Marketing housewives with covered
baskets oscillate undecidedly from stalls to shops, and put off
purchasing to the last possible moment. Maids-of-all-work perambulate
arm-in-arm, exchanging airy badinage with youths of their acquaintance,
though the latter seem to prefer the society of their own sex. A man
with a switchback skittle-board plays gloomy games by himself to an
unspeculative group of small boys. The tradesmen stand outside their
shops and conduct their business with a happy blend of the methods of a
travelling showman and a clown._
BURLESQUE BUTCHER. Now then, all o' _you_ there! Buy, buy, buy! Just
give yer minds to spendin' yer money! (_In a tone of artless wonder._)
Where _does_ the Butcher git this _luverly_ meat? What can I do fur
_you_ now, Marm? (_Triumphantly, after selling the scrag-end of a neck
of mutton._) _Now_ we're busy!
FARCICAL FISHMONGER (_with two Comic Assistants_). Ahar! (_To crowd._)
Come 'ere, you silly young snorkers! I've the quali_tee_! I've the
quali_tay_! _Keep_ takin' money!
FIRST COMIC ASSISTANT. Ahye! Foppence a pound nice plaice! Kippers two
fur three 'apence. _We're_ the Perfeshnul Curers! What are yer all goin'
to _do_? Sort 'em out cheap!
SECOND C. A. I don't mind! What care I? (_Bursting into song._) "'Ow,
she rowled me 'ed, and rumbled in the 'ay!" On me word, she did, ladies!
[_He executes a double shuffle, and knocks over several boxes
of bloaters in the gaiety of his heart._
A HAWKER OF PENNY MEMORANDUM BOOKS (_to an audience of small boys_).
Those among you 'oo are not mechanics, decidedly you 'ave mechanical
_hideers_!
[_He enlarges upon the convenience of having a notebook in
which to jot down any inspirations of this kind; but his
hearers do not appear to agree with him._
A LUGUBRIOUS VENDOR. One penny for six comic pypers. Hevery one
different!
A RUDE BOY. You ain't bin _readin'_ o' any on 'em, 'ave yer, guv'nor?
A CROCKERY MERCHANT (_as he unpacks a variety of vases of appalling
hideousness_). _I_ don't care--it's self-sacrifice to give away!
Understand, you ain't buyin' _common_ things, you're buyin' suthin'
_good_! It 'appens to be my buthday to-night, so I'm goin' to let you
people 'ave the benefit of the doubt. Come on 'ere. I don't ask you to
b'lieve _me_--on'y to jedge fur yerselves. I'm not 'ere to tell you no
fairy tales; and the reason why I'm in a position to orfer up these
vawses--all richly gilt, and decorated in three colours, the most
expensive ever made--the reason I'm able to sell them so cheap as I'm
doin' is this--(_he lowers his voice mysteriously_)--'arf the stuff I
'ave 'ere we git _in very funny ways_!
[_This ingeniously suggestive hint enhances the natural charm
of his ware to such a degree that the vases are bought up
briskly, as calculated to brighten the humblest home._
A SANCTIMONIOUS YOUNG MAN (_with a tongue too large for his mouth, who
has just succeeded in collecting a circle round him_). I am only 'ere
to-night, my friends, as a paid servant--for the purpose of deciding a
wager. Some o' you may have noticed an advertisement lately in the
_Daily Telegrawf_, asking for men to stand on Southwark Bridge and orfer
arf-suverings for a penny apiece. You are equally well aware that it is
illegal to orfer the Queen's coinage for money: and that is _not_ my
intention this evening. _But_ I 'ave 'ere several pieces of gold,
guaranteed to be of the exact weight of arf a suvering, and 'all-marked,
which, in order to decide the wager I 'ave spoken of, I shall now
perceed to charge you the sum of one penny for, and no more. I am not
allowed to sell _more_ than one to each person----
[_Here a constable comes up, and the decision of the wager is
postponed until a more favourable opportunity._
FIRST "GENERAL" (_looking into a draper's window_). Look at them
coloured felt 'ats--all shades, and on'y sixpence three-fardens!
SECOND "G." They _are_ reasonable; but I've 'eard as felt 'ats is gone
out of fashion now.
FIRST "G." Don't you believe it, Sarah. Why, my married sister bought
one on'y last week!
COSTER (_to an old lady who has repudiated a bunch of onions after a
prolonged scrutiny_). Frorsty? So would _you_ be if _your_ onion 'ad bin
layin' out in the fields all night as long as these 'ave!
FIRST ITINERANT PHYSICIAN (_as he screws up fragments of candy in pieces
of newspaper_). That is Frog in your Froat what I'm doin' up now. I arsk
you to try it. It's given to me to give away, and I'm goin' to _give_
it away--you understand?--that's all. And now I'm going to tork to you
about suthink else. You see this small bottle what I 'old up. I tell you
there's 'undreds layin' in bed at this present moment as 'ud give a
shillin' fur one of these--and I offer it to you at one penny! It
corrects all nerve-pains connected with the 'ed, cures earache,
toothache, neuralgy, noomonia, 'art-complaint, fits, an' syhatica. Each
bottle is charged with helectricity, forming a complete
galvanic-battery. Hall _you_ 'ave to do is to place the bottle to one o'
your nawstrils, first closing the other with your finger. You will find
it compels you to sniff. The moment you _tyke_ that sniff, you'll find
the worter comin' into your heyes--and that's the helectricity. You'll
say, "_I_ always 'eard helectricity was a _fluid_." (_With withering
scorn._) Very _likely_! You _'ave_? An' _why_? Be-cawse o' the hignirant
notions prevailin' about scientific affairs! Hevery one o' these bottles
contains a battery, and to each purchaser I myke 'im a present--a
_present_, mind yer--of Frog in 'is Froat!
SUSAN JANE (_to LIZERANN, before a stall where "Novelettes, three a
penny," are to be procured by the literary_). Shall we 'ave a penn'orth,
an' you go 'alves along o' me?
LIZERANN. Not _me_. I ain't got no time to go improvin' o' _my_ mind,
whatever _you_ 'ave!
A VENDOR OF "'ORE'OUND TABLETS" (_he is a voluble young man, with
considerable lung-power, and a tendency to regard his cough lozenges as
not only physical but moral specifics_). I'm on'y a young feller, as you
see, and yet 'ere I _am_, with my four burnin' lamps, and a lassoo-soot
as belonged to my Uncle Bill, doin' _wunnerful_ well. Why, I've took
over two pound in coppers a'ready! Mind you, I don't deceive you; you
may all on you do as well as me; on'y you'll 'ave to get two good
ref'rences fust, _and_ belong to a temp'rance society, like I do. This
is the badge as I've got on me at this minnit. I ain't always bin like I
am now. I started business four year ago, and was doin' wunnerful well,
too, till I got among 'orse-copers an' dealers and went on the booze,
and lost the lot. Then I turned up the drink and got a berth sellin'
these 'ere Wangoo Tablets--and now I've got a neat little missus, and a
nice 'ome, goin' on wunnerful comfortable. Never a week passes but what
I buy myself something. Last week it was a pair o' noo socks. Soon as
the sun peeps out and the doo dries up, I'm orf to Yarmouth. And what's
the reason? I've _enjoyed_ myself there. My Uncle Bill, as lives at
Lowestoft, and keeps six fine 'orses and a light waggon, _he's_ doin'
wunnerful well, and he'd take me into partnership to-morrow, he would.
But no--I'm 'appier as I am. What's the reason I kin go on torkin' to
you like this night after night, without injury to my voice? Shall I
tell yer? Because, every night o' my life, afore I go to bed, I take
four o' these Wangoo Tablets--compounded o' the purest 'erbs. You take
them to the nearest doctor's and arsk 'im to analyse an' test them as he
_will_, and you 'ear what _he_ says of them! Take one o' them
tablets--after your pipe; after your cigaw; after your cigarette. You
won't want no more drink, you'll find them make you come 'ome reglar
every evening, and be able to buy a noo 'at every week. You've ony to
persevere for a bit with these 'ere lawzengers to be like I am myself,
doin' _wunnerful_ well! You see this young feller 'ere? (_Indicating a
sheepish head in a pot-hat, which is visible over the back of his
stall._) Born and bred in Kenada, _'e_ was. And quite _right_! Bin over
'ere six year, so, o' course he speaks the lengwidge. And _quite_ right.
Now I'm no Amerikin myself, but they're a wunnerful clever people, the
Amerikins are, allays inventin' or suthink o' that there. And you're at
liberty to go and arsk 'im for yourselves whether this is a real
Amerikin invention or not--as he'll tell yer it _is_--and quite right,
too! An' it stands to reason as _he_ orter know, seein' he introdooced
it 'imself and doin' wunnerful well with it ever since. I ain't come
'ere to _rob_ yer. Lady come and give me a two-shillin' piece just now.
I give it her back. _She_ didn't know--thort it was a penny, till I told
her. Well, that just shows you what these 'ere Wangoo 'Ore'ound Tablets
_are_!
[_After this practical illustration of their efficacy, he
pauses for oratorical effect, and a hard-worked-looking matron
purchases three packets, in the apparent hope that a similar
halo of the best horehound will shortly irradiate the head of
her household._
LIZERANN (_to SUSAN JANE, as they walk homewards_). On'y fancy--the
other evenin', as I was walkin' along this very pavement, a cab-'orse
come up beyind me, unbeknown like, and put 'is 'ed over my shoulder and
breathed right in my ear!
SUSAN JANE (_awestruck_). You _must_ ha' bin a bad gell!
[_LIZERANN is clearly disquieted by so mystical an
interpretation, even while she denies having done anything
deserving of a supernatural rebuke._
[Illustration]