_Den of Latest Lion._
LATEST LION (_perusing card with no visible signs of gratification_).
Confound it! don't remember telling the Editor of _Park Lane_ I'd let
myself be interviewed. Suppose I must have, though. (_Aloud to SERVANT,
who is waiting._) You can show the Gentleman up.
SERVANT (_returning_). Mr. Walsingham Jermyn!
[_A youthful Gentleman is shown in; he wears a pink-striped
shirt-front, an enormous buttonhole, and a woolly frock-coat,
and is altogether most expensively and fashionably attired,
which, however, does not prevent him from appearing somewhat
out of countenance after taking a seat._
The L. L. (_encouragingly_). I presume, Mr. Jermyn, you're here to ask
me some questions about the future of the British East African Company,
and the duty of the Government in the matter?
MR. JERMYN (_gratefully_). Er--yes, that's what I've come about, don't
you know--that sort of thing. Fact is (_with a burst of confidence_),
this isn't exactly my line--I've been rather let in for this. You see,
I've not been by way of doin' this long--but what's a fellow to do when
he's stony-broke? Got to do _somethin'_, don't you know. So I thought
I'd go in for journalism--I don't mean the drudgery of it,
leader-writin' and that--but the light part of it, _Society_, you know.
But the other day, man who does the interviews for _Park Lane_ (that's
the paper I'm on) jacked up all of a sudden, and my Editor said I'd
better take on his work for a bit, and see what I made of it. I wasn't
particular. You see, I've always been rather a dead hand at drawin'
fellows out, leadin' them on, you know, and all that, so I knew it would
come easy enough to me, for all you've got to do is to sit tight and let
the other chap--I mean to say, the man you're interviewin'--do all the
talking, while you--I mean to say, myself--keep, keeps--hullo, I'm
getting my grammar a bit mixed; however, it don't signify--_I_ keep
quiet and use my eyes and ears like blazes. Talking of grammar, I
thought when I first started that I should get in a regular hat over the
grammar, and the spellin', and that--_you_ write, don't you, when you're
not travellin'? So you know what a grind it is to spell right. But I
soon found they kept a Johnny at the office with nothing to do but put
all your mistakes right for you, so, soon as I knew that, I went ahead
gaily.
The L. L. Exactly, and now, perhaps, you will let me know what
particular information you require?
MR. J. Oh, _you_ know the sort of thing the public likes--they'll want
to know what sort of diggings you've got, how you dress when you're at
home, and all that, how you write your books, now--you do write books,
don't you? Thought so. Well, that's what the public likes. You see, your
name's a good deal up just now--no humbug, it _is_ though! Between
ourselves, you know, I think the whole business is the balliest kind of
rot, but they've got to have it, so there you are, don't you see. I
don't pretend to be a well-read sort of fellow, never was particularly
fond of readin' and that; no time for it, and besides, I've always said
_Books_ don't teach you knowledge of the world. I know the world fairly
well--but I didn't learn it from books--ah, you agree with me
there--_you_ know what skittles all that talk is about education and
that. Well, as I was sayin', I don't read much, I see the _Field_ every
week, and a clinkin' good paper it is, tells you everythin' worth
knowin', and I read the _Pink Un_, too. Do you know any of the fellows
on it? Man I know is a great friend of one of them, he's going to
introduce me some day, I like knowin' literary chaps, don't you? You've
been about a good deal, haven't you? I expect you must have seen a lot,
travellin' as you do. I've done a little travellin' myself, been to
Monte Carlo, you know, and the Channel Islands--_you_ ever been to the
Channel Islands? Oh, you ought to go, it's a very cheery place. Talkin'
of Monte Carlo, I had a rattlin' good time at the tables there; took out
a hundred quid, determined I would have a downright good flutter, and
Jove! I made that hundred last me over five days, and came away in
nothing but my lawn-tennis flannels. That's what I _call_ a flutter,
don't you know! Er--beastly weather we're havin'! You have pretty good
weather where you've been? A young brother of mine has been out for a
year in Texas--he said _he'd_ very good weather--of course that's some
way off where _you_'ve come from--Central Africa, isn't it? Talkin' of
my brother, what do you think the young ass did?--went out there with a
thousand pounds, and paid it all down to some sportsmen who took him to
see some stock they said belonged to them--of course he found out after
they'd off'd it that they didn't own a white mouse among 'em! But then,
Dick's one of those chaps, you know, that think themselves so uncommon
knowing, they _can't_ be had. I always told him he'd be taken in some
day if he let his tongue wag so much--too fond of hearing himself talk,
don't you know, great mistake for a young fellow; sure to say somethin'
you'd better have let alone. I suppose you're getting rather sick of all
these banquets, receptions, and that? They do you very well, certainly.
I went to one of these Company dinners some time ago, and they did me as
well as I've ever been done in my life, but when you've got to sit still
afterwards and listen to some chap who's been somewhere and done
somethin' jawin' about it by the hour together without a check, why,
it's not _good_ enough, I'm hanged if it is! Well, I'm afraid I can't
stay any longer--my time's valuable now, don't you know. I daresay yours
is, too. I'm awfully glad to have had a chat with you, and all that. I
expect you could tell me a lot more interestin' things, only of course
you've got to keep the best of 'em to put in your book--you _are_
writin' a book or somethin', ain't you? Such heaps of fellows are
writin' books nowadays, the wonder is how any of 'em get read. I shall
try and get a look at yours, though, if I come across it anywhere; hope
you'll put some amusin' things in,--nigger stories and that, don't make
it too bally scientific, you know. Directly I get back, I shall sit
down, slick off, and write off all you've told me. I shan't want any
notes, I can carry it all in my head, and of course I shan't put in
anything you'd rather I didn't, don't you know.
The L. L. (_solemnly_). Mr. Jermyn, I place implicit confidence in your
discretion. I have no doubt whatever that your head, Sir, is more than
capable of containing such remarks as I have found it necessary to make
in the course of our interview. I like your system of extracting
information, Sir, very much. Good morning.
Mr. J. (_outside_). Nice pleasant-spoken fellow--trifle long-winded,
though! Gad, I was so busy listenin' I forgot to notice what his rooms
were like or anythin'! How would it do to go back? No, too much of a
grind. Daresay I can manage to fox up somethin'. I shall tell the Chief
what he said about my system. Chief don't quite know what I _can_ do
yet--this will open his eyes a bit.
[_And it does._
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