Ever try it?
Funniest game going.
Talk about studying human nature, why nothing equals what you run
across in boarding houses.
There was one vinegary old maid to whom he applied who gave me a cold
chill.
She was so thin, that for the life of me I couldn't help thinking of
the living skeleton who lost his balance while washing at the sink, and
had to be pulled out of the waste pipe.
Rackstraw allowed himself to be questioned meekly enough.
Soon she knew more about his business and his remote ancestors than I
did, and I had been his friend twice ten years.
At last she stormed the fort.
I saw blood in her eye, and knew what was on tap from the way her thin
lips came together.
[Illustration]
"You say you are married?"
"Yes, yes."
"Ah! any family, Mr. Rackstraw?"
"One baby," he stammered, "would you mind that?"
"Mind it," she snapped, "what do you take me for--a nurse?"
Rackstraw didn't board there, I remark in passing.
Well, if you'd ever been a country school teacher, perhaps you wouldn't
growl at things because they didn't come your way.
I went visiting while up in the Catskills, and before the school season
was over.
The teacher lived at a small hotel, and of course didn't appreciate the
trials of family housekeeping, but on that particular day I can tell
you she got a pretty decent insight into the tribulations of those who
have to live that way.
[Illustration]
A little girl came in late.
"See here, Sarah, you are five minutes behind time. Yesterday it was
three minutes. Explain!" she said.
But Sarah didn't scare worth a cent.
She broke loose like a steam-engine and fairly paralysed us both; and
it was something like this:
[Illustration]
"Please, ma'am, the alarm-clock stopped last night, and it was so dark
and foggy this morning that the girl didn't wake until late, and then,
trying to get to the kitchen window in the dark, she upset some water
on the kindling wood; it was the water the mackerel was soaking in,
and it was on a chair, and the wood was under it, and then because the
wood was wet the fire wouldn't burn, and the other wood we ordered the
day before hadn't come, and the neighbor next door hadn't any either,
and the girl had to go to the store for some, and she was a good while
getting there, and then the storekeeper told her she needn't bring it,
'cause he would send it right around before she got back, and 'cause
she didn't know him she believed him; and when she got back the wood
wasn't there, and it was a long time before it came, and then it was
all wet from the fog and rain, 'cause he didn't cover it up, and when
we tried to start the fire again it wouldn't burn any better than the
first time; and then mamma hurried over to our kind neighbor to get
the use of her stove, but they were getting their breakfast and we
could only use one hole at a time, and our kettles and pans wouldn't
fit their stove, and we had to wait till some of theirs was cleaned,
and then mamma tried to cook some oatmeal so I could hurry and get to
school, and then the baker didn't come, and the girl had to go out
for bread while I dressed Sally, and Johnny, and Mamie, and then the
baby woke and began to cry hard, as if he was hurt, and mamma hurried
upstairs to see what was the matter, and while she was finding out the
oatmeal burned, and we had to wait till the kettle could be cleaned
and some more cooked, and when that was done I hurried and ate a little
so I wouldn't be late to school, and I had just time to get here, but
Johnny got the nose-bleed awful, and I had to wait until mamma could
get through with him and wash her hands so she could write me an excuse
for bein' late yesterday."
[Illustration]
When the teacher could catch her breath, she said:
"Excused. Take your seat."
I struck a lawyer chum in the cars the other day and thought I'd
interest him by talking shop.
"I hear old Judge Pennytobacco is breaking up housekeeping," I said.
"That's strange--I hardly believe that can be true. The judge is
working night and day, simply overwhelmed with cases. He has no time to
think of such a thing."
"What kind of cases?"
"Er--divorce cases, principally."
"That's it," I said.
"Oh!" He thought it over for a minute, then changed the conversation by
remarking: "By the way, I hear you've taken to writing verses."
"Experimenting a little, that's all."
"Have you submitted any to the editor?"
[Illustration]
"Yes, a few."
"And did the editor kick at the verses?"
"Well, he kicked all right, but not at the verses exactly. Here's one
of 'em:
"He harped upon her beauty, he harped upon her grace,
But she answered his proposal with a coldly cruel 'Never!'
So he took a dose of poison and proceeded to a place
Where, I venture the assertion, he will harp no more forever."
"This is where I get off," remarked my legal friend coldly.
"So do I," I cried, jumping up. "Let's take a turn round together."
As we sallied along we passed a meat market, the proprietor of which
was standing in the doorway.
[Illustration]
He greeted us with a pleasant nod and a good-humored "You're looking
well, sir."
"There's a fellow for you," I said. "He seems to increase in girth
every month. I knew him when he tipped the scales at a hundred and
thirty. Perhaps you wouldn't believe it--and what do you think he
weighs now?"
"Well, what does he weigh?" asked my legal friend.
"Meat."
Fortunately at that moment my friend was stopped by an angry client.
[Illustration]
Somehow this irate gentleman seemed to think he had gotten hold of the
hot end of a deal.
And sputtering with rage he didn't hesitate to call a spade by its
proper name.
"I see the scoundrel in your face!" exclaimed the angry man.
"That," replied the man of law, calmly, "I consider a personal
reflection."
Then he sauntered on with me, and when the other found time to figure
out things more fully, I guess he was madder than ever, don't you?
Smart chap, that lawyer! Sometimes he works so upon the feelings of the
jury that he gets his man off.
And then again a case will arise that in spite of his eloquence goes
against him.
He made a miss with Sikes, and I'm thinking that fellow will meet his
end shortly.
This is in Jersey, where they still hang men, you know.
I went along to see the man, for somehow I'd never set eyes on a
condemned criminal, and rather thought it might round out an experience.
[Illustration]
Sikes was a hard-looking citizen.
I fear if I had been the judge, his face alone would have sent him to
the gallows.
And yet he mellowed some and even laughed.
A prison visitor was wrestling with him, no doubt meaning well, but not
having much effect on so hard a case.
She tried to make his mind revert to his childhood, when he said his
prayers at his mother's knee, and all that sort of thing, you know.
"My poor fellow," I heard her say, "when you contemplate your
approaching doom, does not your memory revert longingly to those
innocent days, and would you not enjoy once more those childish sports
of the long ago?"
"Well," said Sikes, reflecting, as though his mind had indeed traveled
far back into the dim past, "sure, there's one thing I'd like mighty
well to do, and that is skip the rope."
[Illustration]
My legal friend really made a powerful plea in the Sikes case, and I
thought he would win out.
But there must have been one jury-man for conviction, who finally
brought the other eleven obstinate men to his way of thinking.
Why, I actually felt the tears in my eyes and the accused began to look
like an angel, whereas a short time before I had thought him a ruffian.
The lawyer's boy was present too, and when he went home he gave a
report of the proceedings.