"But, sometimes," he continued, mercilessly, "it is nothing more nor
less than a sort of wor--ship."
Then he artfully began to tell what wonders he had seen over in London
during the time Edward was crowned king.
"Say, a coronation must be a dreadfully expensive affair," I chanced
to remark, and how his eyes glittered as he drove it home, for the
expected opening had come.
"Well, rather; why, the dentist charged me ten dollars just for
crowning a single tooth."
That was also on me.
But Bijinks gets hold of some pretty good stories occasionally, and I
expect he'll soon be working them off along with hoary chestnuts that
have done duty for ages.
One I know bears the marks of newness, since the game of ping pong has
only recently come into existence.
He says he knew the old fellow that said it, but I rather think he
prevaricates, and must have discovered the joke in some obscure country
paper.
It was in Texas it happened.
An old farmer had a girl attending school at Fort Worth, and in course
of a letter home to the old folks chanced to say "I'm just in love with
ping pong."
Whereupon up rose the Texan farmer in wrath and laid down the law in
unmistakeable terms.
You see he had been to Fort Worth and even had his biled shirt done up
at a Celestial laundry.
[Illustration]
"Here, mother," says he, bringing down his horny fist on the table
till the dishes danced. "You jest write and tell Amarillis Jane that
if she's goin' to fall in love with any of them blamed Fort Worth
Chinamen, she can just count on bein' cut off without a cent."
Bijinks puts up a bluff about having fought in the Spanish-American
war. He was enrolled but he never fought. Fact is, he got discharged
for a breach of etiquette. Yes, you see he turned his back to the
enemy.
Do any of you people play golf? My advice is "Don't!" But what's the
use of talking?
The fascination of golf has much to answer for.
At the same time one would hardly expect it to upset the calculations
of a minister.
That's just what happened when I was in old Scotland, taking in their
raw atmosphere, and a few other things besides.
[Illustration]
I often watched the reverend gentleman play, and saw how infatuated he
had become with the game.
Yet he labored under a great handicap.
When he missed the ball, and performed a wonderful series of gyrations,
it must have been very hard to compress his agitated feelings in such a
narrow compass as:
"Tut, tut," or, "Well, well," perhaps "Oh, dear, now."
More robust language alone meets the emergency.
The last I saw of him was when he had striven with unusual fervor to
knock the ball from the tee, and his face shone with exertion and
indignation.
"Dear, dear, but I'll hae to gie it up--I'll hae to gie it up," he said
in despair.
"Give up playing golf--that's too bad," I remarked, whereupon he
hastily turned upon me and said:
"Na, na, gie up the meenistry."
Feeling in high spirits when I entered my favorite restaurant
yesterday, I asked the proprietor at the desk:
[Illustration]
"Do you serve lobsters here?"
"Why, of course we do--have a seat. Now, what'll you have," was the
reply.
That man knew me for sure.
The girl who waited on me began to rattle off a list of dishes which
were on the menu.
Perhaps I was partly to blame, since I had asked:
"Well, Mame, what have you got to-day?"
"Pretty nearly everything, sir--I've got calves' brains, frogs' legs,
chicken liver----"
"Hold on," I said.
"What's the matter?" she asked.
"Nothing, only you ought to see a doctor."
Did you ever notice what singular names many of the Rhode Island towns
and cities have, as well as those in the wooden nutmeg State.
Now, there's old Nantucket, for instance, once the most noted whaling
center of America.
That place always fascinates me; makes me burst into song, as it were.
Let's have a bar, professor.
[Illustration]
There once was a man from Nantucket,
Who kept all his cash in a bucket;
But his daughter, named Nan,
Ran away with a man,
And as for his bucket, Nantucket.
This roused the old man from Nantucket,
Who chased them as far as Pawtucket;
Where he scolded Miss Nan,
Thrashed soundly the man,
And as for the bucket, Pawtucket.
The pair followed pa to Manhasset,
Where he still held the cash as an asset;
But Nan and the man
Stole the money and ran,
And as for the bucket, Manhasset.
Well, I fancy that is quite sufficient for one time.
Talking about names, I had often wondered why Maine has so long been a
prohibition State, until recently when glancing over the map the truth
flashed upon me.
Surely no drunken man could ever pronounce such jaw breakers as
Umbazooksus and Mattawamkeag.