"You see, dear boy--one can't be brutal with the little darlings, so
that is the only course open to one, for their limited reasoning power
does not enable them to grasp that it is not one's fault at all when one
ceases to care--the trouble lies with their own weakening
attraction.--So one has to go on bluffing until they themselves weary,
or find out inadvertently that one's affection has been transferred!"
"Don't you think there are some to whom you could tell the truth?"
"I have not met any--if they do exist."
"If I were a woman it would insult me far more for a man to think I was
so stupid that he could deceive me, than if he said frankly he no longer
cared."
"Probably--but then women don't reason in that way--you might prove by
every law of logic that it was because they themselves had disillusioned
you, and that you had no control over the coming or going of your
emotion--but at the end of your peroration they would still reproach you
for being a fickle brute, and believe themselves blameless, and sinned
against!"
"It is all very difficult!"--I sighed unconsciously--.
--"Are you in some mess, my son?" George asked concernedly.--"In your
case with Suzette, money can always smooth things--she has perhaps been
annoying?"
"I have entirely finished with Suzette--George, how a man pays for all
his follies--Have you, with all your affairs, ever got off scot free?"
George leaned back in his chair--his well cut face which expresses as a
rule a rather kindly whimsical cynicism grew stern--and his very voice
altered.
"Nicholas--one has to pay one's shot every time--A man pays in money, or
in jewels or in disgrace, or in regret and remorse--and he has to
calculate beforehand to what extent that which he desires is worth the
price which will become due--It is a brainless idiot who does not
calculate, or who laments when he has to stump up. I admit women are of
supreme interest to me, and their companionship and affection--bought or
otherwise--are necessary to my existence--So I resignedly discharged my
debt every time."
"How will you pay it then about Violetta whom you say is an angel, and
blameless?"
"I shall have some disgusting moments of discomfort and remorse--and
feel a moral Bluebeard--I shan't go scot free--."
"And she--? That won't help her."
"She will pay in tears for having been weak enough to love me--she will
feel the consolation of martyrdom--and soon forget me."
"And you don't think one incurs some kind of hoodoo--in indulging in
these things--I am thinking of Suzette--her shadow--almost one would say
projected by fate, is what is causing me trouble now, not any deliberate
action she is committing against me."
"Part of the price, my boy! You can't steal anything, or do anything
against the law, be it of man or of morals or of the spirit--that you
don't have to pay for it--and there is no use in haggling beforehand or
in squealing after. The thing is to learn early enough in life what is
worth while and what you really want, before you lay up for yourself
limitations."
"That is true--."
"Now let us analyse what gains and losses you have had in the Suzette
business. Let us take the gains first--You had a jolly little companion
during some months of pain and weariness--She helped you over a
difficult moment--You were not leading her astray. To be the friend of
war-heroes was her _métier_--you paid her highly in solid cash--You are
under no obligation to her--. But the law has decreed that man must have
no illicit relations, so the force of that current, or belief, or
whatever it is, makes you pay some price for having broken the
law--Accept it and get through with it--And if the price has been too
heavy decide not to incur such debts again. The whole bother occurs
because you don't look ahead, my boy! There was a case when I was a
youngster and just joined my Battalion of Guards which will illustrate
what I mean, of Bobby Bulteel, Hartelford's brother.--He cheated at
cards--He was a kind of cousin of my mother's so the family felt the
scandal awfully--He was kicked out of course, and utterly broke, and
Lady Hilda Marchant ran off with him, and left her husband. She adored
the fellow who had every charm--Well that was not worth while--The odds
are too heavy for anyone ever to have the ghost of a chance to pull
cheating off. He was simply a fool, you see. Take chances, but never
when the scales have gone beyond the angle of forty-five degrees!"--Then
having finished his cigar George rose in the best of tempers--.
"You may take it from me Nicholas--it sounds old fashioned--but to
behave like a gentleman and always be ready to discharge your
obligations, are the best rules for life.----Ta ta, dear boy--Shall
look in on you soon again--" and he went!
Of course his logic is unanswerable--So I had better accept the shadow
of Suzette falling upon my relation with Alathea, and try to gain my end
in spite of it--And what is my very end?
Not of course that I shall spend the rest of my life as Alathea's
husband-in-name-only, hungry and longing and miserable--but that after
securing her certain companionship I shall overcome her prejudices,
conquer her aversion, and make her love me.--But to have the chance to
do all this it is absolutely necessary that I shall be near her
always--So my idea of marriage is not so far-fetched after all!
And if she will accept me, someday, upon _any terms_--provided they do
not mean separation--I shall believe that half the battle is won--I feel
more cheerful already!--How sound reasoning does one good, even if it is
as baldly brutal as George's!