"It isn't so much what you do; it is how you do it. Not so much what you
think as how you clothe your thoughts that enables you to make a pleasant
impression."
Good breeding is shown in the use of words, quite as much as in manners.
Correct use is evidence of culture and personal refinement.
Use of Slang and Colloquialisms.--Slang, we are often reminded, is
common--meaning vulgar. And yet, there are some slang phrases that are so
expressive, and convey so much meaning in few words that the temptation to
use them is irresistible. Much use of slang, however, is very undesirable,
indicating lack of refinement. We may be colloquial, but must eschew the
vulgar.
Among the words that are bad form we find "folks," used instead of
"family" or "relatives." "Ain't" is one of the most common improprieties
of speech and one that has no standing whatever in good language.
"Gentlemen friend." "lady friend," are vulgarisms. We should not speak of
young men as "fellows."
We should say "shops" instead of "stores," and "station" instead of
"depot." A depot is a place where provisions and stores are accumulated.
Just how it came to be applied to a railway station is an etymological
puzzle. The use of "learn" for "teach" is incorrect. "Pupil," "student"
and "scholar" are often used interchangeably, but incorrectly so. "Pupil"
refers to the younger classes in a school.
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Those in the most advanced grade of a high school, and those in college
are students; while scholar signifies those who are learned and out of
school. "Dresser," "bureau" and "dressing case" are incorrectly applied to
a chest of drawers. "Vest" for "waistcoat," and "dress suit" for "evening
clothes" are incorrect. "Visitors" is in better taste than "guests." "Got"
is a word often used superfluously and always inelegantly. "I have it"
sounds much better than "I have got it"; leave out "got" wherever you can.
As for "gotten"--it ought to be unspeakable.
"Don't" for "doesn't" is, perhaps the most common grammatical error. "I
don't," "you don't," "they don't,' are correct. "Don't" is a contraction
of "do not." You wouldn't say "he do not," "she do not," would you? Then
don't say "he don't," or "she don't."
As a rule the simpler the speech the better. "Residence" for "house,"
"peruse" for "read," "retire" for "going to bed"--all these and their like
sound stilted.
The use of French words and phrases is to be avoided, both in writing and
speaking. Generally they are mispronounced--as in the case of the very
affected lady who spoke of "Mrs. Brown, nee Smith," pronouncing "nee" as
if spelled "knee."
Form of Address.--To acquaintances, a woman speaks of "my husband"; to
friends, she calls him by his Christian name. To servants, he is "Mr.
Smith." This is a rule often violated, so often in fact, that few are
aware of the impropriety of saying "Mr. Smith" to friends and
acquaintances. The man employs the converse of the rule; it is "my wife"
to acquaintances, etc. To speak of a daughter as "Miss Mary" or "Miss
Jane" to anyone but a servant is insulting, placing the person thus spoken
to on a par with an inferior. If formality is desirable one should say "my
daughter Mary." The same rule applies to a son.
It has already been said that we do not address a wife by her husband's
title. He is Dr. Brown; she is Mrs. Brown. Mrs. General, Mrs. Judge, are
not current in polite circles.
We do not use "Sir" in addressing equals. Children no longer say "sir" or
"ma'am" to their parents, but "Yes, father," or "No mother." Ma'am is
seldom heard now except from old-fashioned servants. Maids and
men-servants say "yes, Mrs. Smith," or sometimes, "No, madam."
Courtesy in Conversation.--"Things said for conversation are chalk eggs,"
said Emerson. There are many chalk eggs on the market. Most of us feel
that to "be sociable" we must talk incessantly. True, there are sometimes
dreadful pauses in conversation when no one seems able to think of
anything to say, and the longer the pause the more vacuous one's mind.
What passes for conversation at receptions, dinners, ordinary social
affairs, is merely chatter made up, of persiflage and repartee. One must
be able to furnish it, however, for small talk is conversational "small
change," without which it is not easy to "do business." Lacking it, one is
like Mark Twain's man with the million dollar check and not change enough
to buy a postage stamp.
[MANNERS AND SOCIAL CUSTOMS 775]