If it is the duty of the hostess to be attentive to the comfort of her
guest, there is quite as much obligation resting on the guest to show a
disposition to be pleased and to make herself agreeable. Some women--young
girls more particularly--seem to think too much cannot be done for their
entertainment. They make themselves burdensome by their wish to have
"something doing" all the time. The visitor who conveys the impression
that she is neglected unless some festivity is in the immediate future
easily becomes tiresome.
The guest should accommodate herself to the ways of the family. Especially
should she be punctual at meals and ready on time when going out with her
friends. Her host may acquire a dislike to her if she keeps him waiting.
She should always be neatly dressed, never appearing at the breakfast
table in kimona or dressing-jacket if men will be present. She should
respect the privileges of the host, not occupying his easy chair,
appropriating the newspaper or the best position round the lamp. She
should give as little trouble as possible and be especially careful about
scattering her belongings about the house. This particularly applies to
young girls, who are apt to be careless in this respect. It annoys a
hostess to find Missy's rubbers kicked off in the hall, her hat on the
piano, and a half eaten box of candy on the parlor sofa.
About Being Thoughtful.--She should be careful to avoid injury to any of
her hostess' pretty things or her furnishings. The story is told of a girl
who, conducted to her hostess's beautiful guest room, furnished with the
utmost daintiness in white, threw her umbrella and dusty coat on the
spotless counterpane, exclaiming: "What a lovely room!" It was not lovely
when she left it. The wall was defaced by marks made by scratching
matches; the bureau scarf was blackened by the curling-iron; there were
ink spots on the hemstitched sheets where she had written letters in bed,
and something that would not come out was spilled on the table cover. It
does not show that you are accustomed to nice things to be so negligent
and careless; it shows you are not accustomed to them and do not know how
to treat them; and it makes you a visitor the hostess is glad to get rid
of, and never invites again.
[716 MOTHERS' REMEDIES]
The guest, young or old, should take herself out of the way part of the
time; she shouldn't be always in evidence. Let her go to her own room and
write letters, read, or take her work out of doors; in other words, show
an ability to entertain herself which releases her hostess from that
responsibility for the time being. This is much better than having one's
friend in one's constant presence.
Outside Acquaintance.--If one is staying with a friend and has other
acquaintances in the same place she will naturally expect them to call on
her. If her callers are strangers to her hostess, they should ask for her.
The hostess may see them or ask to be excused with equal propriety. The
guest is at liberty to accept outside invitations which do not include her
hostess, but should always consult her in reference to them. She has no
right to invite any of her friends to a meal without first mentioning her
wish to her hostess and securing a cordial acquiescence. She must not make
a convenience of her friend's house, and if a girl or young woman, she
must not receive there any man or woman of whom her parents disapprove.
This is disloyal to them, and an imposition upon her hostess.
Other Points to Observe.--If a visitor can play, sing, recite, tell
stories, or in any way contribute to the pleasure of her friends or other
guests, she should comply cheerfully with requests that she do so. On the
other hand, she should not monopolize the piano. She should enter readily
into any plans proposed for her entertainment; even though they may not be
especially agreeable, she should subscribe to the kindly intent.
The question as to how much assistance the visitor should volunteer in
case her hostess keeps but one servant, or does her own work, is dependent
upon circumstances. She certainly shouldn't follow her hostess all over
the house with offers of help: "Can't I do this?" "Shan't I do that?" Let
her quickly and unostentatiously render such small services as are helpful
without being obtrusive. She may care for her own room; she may fill the
vases with flowers; she may tell stories to the children or take them for
a walk, but she must carefully respect the hostess's privacy and not
intrude in the rear regions where the domestic rites are performed,
without her hostess's permission. And whatever aid she renders she should
give according to her hostess's method, not her own.
A visitor should carefully avoid any comment on the cook's failures,
should such occur; she must not criticise the children's manners: nor
reprove them; nor should she criticise the chance caller or visitor, who
is a friend of her hostess, but not of her acquaintance. Above all she
must avoid comparisons. If she has been visiting more wealthy people it is
not good form to wax eloquent over the elegance of their establishment or
their more expensive mode of entertaining.
[MANNERS AND SOCIAL CUSTOMS 717]
Concerning Departure.--If there has been no time named as the length of
her visit, she should take an early opportunity to mention now long she
will remain "if perfectly convenient." And it is almost invariably a
mistake to remain beyond the date named. Better go, and have your
departure regretted, than linger to find the later days give a flat ending
and you and your hostess alike relieved at parting.
It is customary, on leaving, to give a small fee to the maid who has cared
for one's room, and to the waitress, if one is employed. Anyone who has
rendered personal service is generally remembered. A dollar is usually
given at the close of a week's visit: something depends upon the style of
the household. Men generally tip the chauffeur.
After having been received as a guest in a family it is the height of
incivility and bad manners to criticise their mode of living, discuss the
peculiarities of any member, or make unkind remarks in reference to a
slight, real or fancied, or any negligence or oversight. Having eaten your
hostess's salt, there is an obligation of silence imposed, unless one can
speak in terms of praise.
At Home Again.--Immediately after one's return home it is obligatory to
write what is sometimes called "the bread-and-butter letter"--that in
which one expresses her pleasure in the visit and her appreciation of the
hospitality received. A serviceable form for this follows:
My Dear Mrs. Blank:
I wish to tell you at once how much I enjoyed my visit to your
charming home and how truly I appreciate all you did to make my stay so
pleasant. I shall always remember my good times with you, and
especially that most delightful picnic to Ferndale.
With kind remembrances to Mr. Blank and to Lois, who helped so much to
make me happy, believe me,
Yours most sincerely,
Mary Annesley.
This recognition of hospitality enjoyed must on no account be omitted.