followed by 11 blue youths. More rores. In centre of Griddle Hon.
Feetball (which resemble a leather melon) are placed down. Whissle from
Foreman & suddenly one blue youth rosh forwards & give them Hon. Ball one
very brutal kick which send it to Heaven where it intend to go. Splandid
rushing together by all youths which do knock-downs with rage. Hon. Ball,
when he make come-down, are lovingly embraced by a striped youth, but
one blue youth see him & get jalous, so he throw him to mud with deathly
thump. Eech member of both teams are now permitted to jump on this young
man when he are laying pronely. Then Hon. Foreman holler “Down!” & all
are sure of it.
Next Player to arrive are Hon. Doctor who do a hospital corps and remove
3 players with limps. Banzais from all. Game then go on for all afternoon
by following rotation:
1—Savage ball-kick.
2—Wildly rush together.
3—Delicious throw-down.
4—Everybody jump-on.
5—All get off, if possible.
6—Doctors collect broken boys.
7—More ball-kick, more banzai, etc., till twilight.
Pretty soonly when 1 colledge player of striped appearance make grab-up
of ball, blue colledge boys forget to knock him down; so with them pigly
sphere clasp dearly in arms he make hurrysteps across field; and them
blue players get very angry, so they chase him with fierce hair. How
useless! Soonly he carry that ball behind goal-sticks & Blue Colledge
cry, “Shah!” while Striped Colledge cry, “Rah!”
“Oh!! that count 5 for our side,” say elderly youth next by me.
“Why it count 5 when only 2 players was killed?” was question I ask-it;
but that antique child was too busy with banzais for answer.
So I took away Miss Suki for ice-cream soda ceremony, price 20c., where
we could be more lonesome together.
“It must require great strength to kill so many people in an afternoon,”
she say-it with sweet sips.
“With a ax I could do much better,” are reply I make.
* * * * *
This week my chumb, Sydney Katsu, Jr., who went to Harvard for study
mollycuddling, come back here enjoying great damages. I could see by the
expression of his legs how much they was broke; also bandaged elbows
indicate smashy condition & his brain was held together with a towel.
Most of his teeth he was carrying in his pocket.
“O Sydney!” I report, “who done you all them delicious injuries you got?”
“Them Mollycuddles done it, thank you!” he dib, pointing to draped eye
which was minus.
[Illustration: “‘All of them persons is related to each other in some way
and another—some by proxy, some by regret’”]
“What must a person do to become a Mollycuddle?” are next review I make.
“He must first go to Harvard & play on scrubbed Freshman team,” explan
Sydney. “Some mollycuddlish person will say ‘6—11—44’ and toss him a
entire feetball. Soonly all Harvard are on top of him to include the
Library Building & Germanic Museum. Groans from this youth who are trying
to play that game. Finally brickage are removed from him and he are
permitted to be carried away. If he lives he are a Mollycuddle.”
“Shall you return to study gentle ways of efeet East?” I announce.
“Ah, no,” corrugate Sydney. “Wildy West are more peaceful place to
be. I shall follow advice of Hon. Roosevelt which say, ‘Don’t be a
Mollycuddle.’”
So I leave Sydney resting in arnica.
Hoping you are the same,
Yours truly,
HASHIMURA TOGO.
XXXVII
WILL HON. SO. DAKOTA BE A BLISSFUL MARRIED STATE?
SAN FRANCISCO, November 16th.
_Editor New York Newspaper who suppose he knows what will
happen to America next._
DEAR MR. SIR—“South Dakota are now very strickted & respecktable,” say
Cousin Nogi with expression of deep glum. “Only choice, selected persons
is permitted to get divorces there.”
“What must these choice, selected persons do now to obtain such a
privilege?” are queery for me.
“A gentleman wishing to be entirely divorced in Sue Falls must reside
there one year & must be drunk at leastly ¾ of time. He must beat his
wife occasionally to prove it.”
“If he pass such examination will he then obtain ticket of leave?” are
next I ask to know.
“Scarcely already,” are corrode from Nogi. “Firstly he must possess a
certificate signed by 2 Aldermans or 6 State Senators showing that he
enjoys a famous record for bad moral character, that he have allepeptick
fits & served at leastly 1 year in some good penitentiary. If he got
such papers he are permitted to be lonesome again.”
“Few persons has sufficient talent to pass such a high test,” I submit.
“Howeverly, many persons will try,” say Nogi for knowledge.
“With that strick law So. Dakota will soonly become one of them blissful
married States,” I dally forth.
“So sad to think it will,” say Nogi with W. J. Bryan elbows. “Thusly are
greatest landmarks of America departing off. Niagara Falls & Sue Falls,
grand gushing monuments of Fourfathers’ pride, both is being swep away by
toothless hand of commerce. No longer can pressed & weary persons turn
feetprints to South Dakota like Pilgrum Fathers——”
“Why were a person what went to South Dakota like a Pilgrum Father?” I
erupt with voice.
“Because they both journeyed Westward to find freedom, didn’t they not?”
are request from Nogi.
I get shocky sensation by such news.
“So sinful comparison!” I reproach. “History-book say, ‘Them Puretan
Parents made excursion to Plymouth Rock with entire singleness of
purpose.’”
“Singleness of purpose also makes excursions to Sue Falls,” dib my
corrugated cousin. “Hon. Dan Webster notice it in oldy days.”
“I have never found such talk in Webster’s Dixionary,” I imagine. “What
did Hon. Dan say about it?”
“He-say, ‘United we stand, divided Sue Falls,’” are smart quotation for
Nogi.
“How you obtain such divorce in sweet old days?” I exclaim for excitement.
“Maybe you can imagine it,” say Nogi. “Imagine, please, that Miss Alice
Furioki, who is my wife, got peeved to me because of my slouched ways &
feeble mind.”
I do so easily.
“Imagine, please, I say to her, ‘Fare-bye forever!’ & am next discovered
on Pullman car.”
“Where you obtain sufficient cash for such a ticket?” are suspicious
question for Hashimura Togo.
“You are permitted to imagine that also,” dib Nogi for snub. “I are next
discovered on main street of Sue Falls. It are 6 o’clock P. M. by time.
With immediate quickness I make feetsteps to Court House. It are closed,
thank you. ‘Where can persons buy a divorce so late & catch train?’ I
require of Hon. Janitor at door-knob. ‘Hon. Justice of the Peace has
nice fresh ones,’ explain Hon. Janitor for polite smile. By running
I get there quick—but alast! too late. ‘My husband are away attending
funeral of man he shot,’ say Mrs. Justice. ‘Howeverly, you can buy choice
divorces from Hon. Notary Publick around corner.’ At home of Notary
Publick I meet Office Lad who say, ‘Hon. Boss are away setting up with a
ill horse.’ So I depart off entirely nervus about that Divorce I didn’t
got.”
“What you do nextly to stop being married?” I compute.
“Nextly,” say Nogi, “I make aimlus wander through deserted streets.
Despair for me. Of suddenly I see one news stand with large gilty sign,
“‘DIVORCES WHILE WAITING FOR THEM—$5 APIECE.’
“This are stiff price, but I must. Already by news stand are considerable
line of 100 Americans talking at each other as if acquainted very dearly.
I enquire of one Hon. Police who stood by, ‘Why does them Americans talk
together so corjul?’
“‘It are a family reunion,’ collapse Hon. Police. ‘All of them persons
is related to each other in some way & another—some by proxy, some by
regret; husbands twice removed is talking to outlaws-in-law. Them tall
gentleman with ottomobile glasses is Senator Guff. Lady he are talking
with are his forgotten wife, now Mrs. Billings, who will marry Captain
Swift, her chaperone, when both are freed from hated trammels they now
endures.’
“‘On what grounds of domestick grief will they obtain their divorces on?’
are next for me.
“‘For $5,’ say Hon. Police who has been in Sue Falls for long time, ‘for
$5 you can take your choice of following grounds:
“‘Failure to provide witty conversation.
“‘Baldness.
“‘Coming home chronic late from Lodge, such as Elks, Y. M. C. A., etc.
“‘Not coming home from them places.
“‘Habit of cracking nuckles.
“‘Being impolite to ladies.
“‘Being too polite to ladies.
“‘Expressing grief by snores while asleep.
“‘Reading Sunday _Journal_ & believing it.
“‘Warts.
“‘Any slight excuse you may think up while waiting.’
“‘Thank you so plenty!’ I say to Hon. Police and go home by return
ticket.”
“You go home without them Divorce?” I say for disappointed quivers.
“Ah, yes,” nibble Nogi. “It are useless luxury for poor Japanese to
afford it. I could buy one slight divorce, but what then?”
“That habit are like drunking,” I approximate.
“Of surely it are!” influence my Cousin. “First drink are innocent
pleasure, but it lead to more of and continued. First divorce are
harmless amusement, next two or three are only slight damage to young
man—but after that it are apt to become a fixed habit, and who knows
what?”
So Nogi borrow my collar-button & go off for righteous Sunday walk with
his wife, Miss Alice Furioki.
* * * * *
Mr. Editor, I am reminded of a mothological legend. In awful
pre-historick date of Japan famous poeter, Obi Obi, were a-wandering
through crying-willow grove endeavouring to try & think up a good poem to
write for a magazine. While full of ponders of suddenly he seen a Willy
Sparrow dancing mongst twiggly branches like he was suffering from huj
jokes. Often & at times them maudly bird laugh “Ha-ha!” and do a kick &
six comick capers. So Obi Obi, famous poeter, he tune his Japanese Jews
harp and enquire with rimes:
“Dilly-darrow, Willy Sparrow,
Why you do such dance & caper
Like a crazy piece of paper,
Chirping, cheeping, shrieking, peeping
With a piggly motion giggly
On that wriggly willow twiggly?”
[Illustration: “Obi Obi and the Willy Sparrow”]
And that dafty Willy Sparrow, who also had a talent, make laughing
tear-drop & reply:
“Tabby-toby, Obi Obi,
Thus I flutter, flatter, caper
Since my Wife I did escape her
From her scratching feather-snatching—
Hence my piggly anticks wiggly
On this wriggly willow twiggly.”
Obi Obi, who are notorious to this day for his book full of morals, were
shocked talkless by rye-bald remarks of them horid Willy Bird, so he flop
hands to heaven & decry:
“Wirro-warro, Willy Sparrow,
Baddy birdie what has flirted,
Eggs neglected, Wife deserted
With your cheeping, shrieking, peeping—
Birds of feather winds should weather,
Live together whither-whether.”
So this wise Obi Obi he make one delicious figger-4 trap & he fill it up
with olives and other lunch. Pretty soonly that fooly Willy Sparrow make
hop-down to food—and _snap!_ Catch for him. Then very briefly after this
Mrs. Willy Sparrow, who was hungry & peeved about non-support, _she_ make
hop-down to trap—and _snap!_ Catch for her.
So wise Obi Obi he gather them two birds & he put them in goldy cage
together with 2 childish eggs of which they was parents.
“Ha-ho!” he say musely (for he were a poet). “It are pleasant to think
how I has united them quarrly fowels into love-companionship.”
So he hang that goldy cage in front of his Poetry-Shop & invite the
entire World to come & see them Willy Birds enjoying happiness. And
all the entire World come that very afternoon to observe this Peace
Conference.
But alast! When Hon. World looked it seen Mrs. Willy Bird chewing off ear
of her husband with talented claws. Rawcuss screams. Feathers. Applause
from World which always enjoy fites. Pretty soonly that Happy Cupple
retire to opp. corners of cage, do some glares & make following song with
voice of tough eagles:
“Yarrow-yarrow! nasty Sparrow!
Ruffled feathers, noises frightful!
Always doing something spiteful.
Chirping, cheeping, shrieking, peeping,
Cacklin’, kickin’, peckin’, pickin’
Like a silly stricken chicken!”
And when the entire World seen them antick they stopped their ears & say:
“Perhapsly Hon. Obi Obi _do_ call this Doomestick Harmony; but it sound
to us like the musick of hand-saws playing on rusty hinges.”
So they retire away. And next morning when Obi Obi go-see Hon. Cage, what
he find there? 6 feathers & 2 claws which was still disputing with eech
other. All the rest of them Sparrow Family had disagreed till they were
entirely minus. Except them infant eggs which was broke.
So Obi Obi write following epitaph & sell it to a second-hand book-store:
“Hilly-harrows, silly Sparrows!
When a Poet tried to fix it
You continued for to mix it
Chirping, cheeping, shrieking, peeping—
Little birds enjoying jawing
Perish thus enjoying clawing.”
If Obi Obi, the wisest Japanese for 1,007 years, could not make 2 little
Willy Sparrows happy by locking them together, how can Governments &
Laws be more successful with people who are bigger & more foolish? Peace
Makers is often proud because they brings Man & Wife together after
quarrels. So sad to think! When Man & Wife have combattable tempers it do
not take great talent to get them together; but as soon as they resume
talking it often require entire State Militia to drag them apart.
Will law what bolish Divorces wipe out household unhappiness? I shall
vote for it, if so-do. Maybe it will make drunken gentlemen sober &
lazy gentlemen reliabilious employees for more salary. Perhapsly fooly
ladies will begin study of intelligence, flirtating will cease & all
dull children will go ahead of class. Mischief will be neglected by old &
young.
Maybe, if Divorces is forbid, girls what marries for money will find
sentiment & girls what marry for sentiment will find money. Maybe tired
husbands will aid sick wives in dish-wash; maybe plumbers will stay home
nights; maybe soft answers will turn away flatirons. Maybe everybody will
own a ottomobile.
& maybe they won’t.
If Jo-Uncle Cannon would pass some nice law what would keep persons from
_wanting_ to get divorced this would be very good-healthy for all races,
including Chinese, who are human in many respects. In England where
Divorce are most difficult to obtain wife-beating are most deliciously
common.
I ask something. Can U. S. Government put happy glow & family affection
into a house where it ain’t? When Hon. Love flies out of window can he be
pinched by Police before escape?
I require no answer.
With immediate hopes,
Yours truly,
HASHIMURA TOGO.
XXXVIII
THE HON. MARY CHRISTMAS
SAN FRANCISCO, Dec. 12th.
_Your Highness Mr Editor which know everything, or know where
to look for it._
DEAR GENTLEMAN—I give you the Hon. Mary Christmas and hope you will
finish it. Tell me to know, Mr. Sir, what is so important about this
festival that Americans make such holly-day blow-up of it? “Christmas
arrive but once annually,” many persons explain, making handshake. Is
this peculiar to Christmas? Do not all other dates arrive annually also?
Then why such happen on Dec. 25 as do? I ask to enquire.
I answer it, thank you. The Hon. Christmas is a great give-away festival
for all persons of white extraction. Negroes is permitted in this
Christmas custom, because negroes is always present when something is
being given away. But Japanese can not be Christmas persons, thank you.
Why so is it? Because Japanese is all heathens, which is not eligible to
Christmas present. If Japanese would obtain valuable presents on this
date they must become Christians. This is too much trouble to do. Is it
not more better for Japanese Boy to become Christian for Christmas-time
and heathen for all other purposes? Thank you, I will try.
All Japanese living as naybors to me enjoy belief in Buddha with
exception to Arthur Kickahajama who is Methodist and W. Furo who believe
in Hon. Roosevelt. Hon. Rev. J. W. Chillworthy, American missionary,
desire to do something to us heathen, so he look everywhere and find what
is necessary. He prepare large Xmas tree at Asiatic M. E. Church and go
around to all Japanese Boys with tempting speeches. To me he approach to
say,
“Hon. Togo, do you wish to expect valuable Christmas present to equal
price of 25c?”
“Would this be cash-gifts or merchandise?” I report.
“Merchandise of considerable merit, because Christmas presents must be
this,” command that Chillworthy clergyman.
“I would accept such dry-goods,’ I commit.
“Very well. Then give me 25c money to collect, please.”
“No thank you, Mr. Clergyman, not to do! If Japanese Boy give 25c to
collect, what graft would this Christmas present be of value 25c?” This
question from me.
“Togo, you are heathen, therefore blind. At Christmas you will receive
get-back of 25c to pay for put-up of 25c which you now do. You will be
generous to give this price, I will be generous to give it back. This
will be Christmas Spirit and keep money in circulation.”
So I deliver this quarter of dollar to Hon. Chillworthy as price. As
reward he invite me to Christmas tree for persons of yellow extraction at
church where I will please to be, thank you. All Japanese of S. F. has
become Christians for this date because free ice-cream will be served.
Last Christmas date Japanese Schoolboy was very recently arrived to
America. Therefore I did not know about Christmas. My cousin Nogi reply
that this was annual good-will Peace Conference ceremony. Persons having
bricks, bottles, shoot-guns, stick-knives and all other political
convictions must conceal these under mattrass, thank you. Enemies must
meet under kissletoe-vine for sweet-heart conversation. Therefore I
remove all firearms, bricks, etc., from my clothing and go out to
sidewalk where I watch how Christians enjoy this great festival.
I notice there large flocks of Christians bringing earth-peace feeling
together by drinking considerable whisky. City is filled of sailors,
plumbers, hack-drivers and other patriots making side-step to each
saloon where more earth-peace is poured in. Finally good-will become
very energetic and front of saloon is carried away by excitement.
Peace-on-earth continue to make more noisy riot by each minute until
pretty soonly police-gentleman whistle for jailcart and all these
Christians, broken in several places but making splendid noise with
songs, is carried away to city lock-in.
Of course these is very wild Christians what make such behaviour. It is
more comfortable to be tamer Christian and take Hon. Christmas home to
wife & baby. Such persons get small timber-tree from mountain and plant
it in parlour of home. (Some Christians have not got parlours, so they
need not feel responsible for Xmas trees.) Branches of this tree is
used to hang things on—glass, tin-ware, clothing, groceries, candles or
anything else that is very cheap & convenient. Then alarm-clock is set to
get-up family by lamp-light. When joy-bell go off all retire to parlour
to watch Family Father set fire to Xmas tree by light of candle.
All Christians enjoy Christmas with exception of fire engine man who is
too busy throwing water on the insurance.
It is very hard duty to explain to Japanese Infants about Santy Claus,
that famous American saint which so closely resemble Marquis Ito in the
foliage of his whiskers. These children enjoy great mental struggles
because of their heathen parentage. Little Annie Anazuma, 9-year-age
daughter of I. Anazuma, Japanese barber, come to me to enquire like this:
“Uncle Togo,” she resume, “to what extent is this falsehood about that
Hon. Santy Claus?”
“Little Annie,” I snuggest, “I speak you honest truth, because you are
one childish Japanese. I do not believe this Santy Claus is such person.
Why? Because I suspect. Presents here, toys there, books, albums,
jumping-up-jacks, photo supplies, sweet confectionary—all these scattered
with such immediate delivery all at once and together—I suspect it can
not be swallowed. Where would this Santy Claus person obtain so much
moneys for give presents to all Christian children, including small
negroes? Do Congress appropriate this price? Do Hon. Carnegie donate
it? Is Hon. Santy Claus working for U. S. Government or some private
corporation? I reply. If he was working for U. S. Government he would not
get around so swift. If he was working for some Trust he would not give
nothing to nobody. Therefore he is not.
“Japanese child, you are not insane to think. Forget this tell-tale of
American mothology. It is too foolish to imagine this Mr. Claus dropping
chocolate-creams down each chimney-pipe by such wholesale.”
“No, Uncle Togo,” report this little Annie. “It is well known fact that
Christians never give away presents in that sneak-dog manner.”
I shall buy chew-gum for this little Annie Anazuma to eat for Hon.
Christmas.
I am considerably sorrow for civilizedation when I make thoughts about
this Santy Claus affair. Does not American missionary say to Japanese
Boy, “Thou shan’t not lie?” Why then is this lying-instruction given to
American children? Hon. Geo. Washington was disgusted to tell a liar.
Hon. Roosevelt enjoys faintness after entertaining such persons. He has
frequently spoken to Congress about this habit which they enjoy. Why,
then, does American gentleman donate presents to baby and lay all blame
for the affair to Santy Claus. Is it not cowardly to get out of it in
this way?
When American gentleman give Christmas present to wife he does not blame
it to Santy Claus because those lady is too smart to believe such talk.
Therefore he must confess that he done it himself.
In getting civilized all over herself must Japan do this Hon. Christmas
also? I do not require this, because many Christmas customs is not best
good for all human races. Therefore Japan can get along more quicker
without Hon. Christmas, which comes only once annually, but stays long
time.
To what use is it, I will please inquire, to give Japan Baby
jump-up-jack, toy shoot-gun, little squeak-dog? Would it not be more
improving to his tiny brain-thoughts to present him with History-books,
electrical apparatus, etc.? Is Mother Geese sing-song book of more
knowledge to kindergarten intelligence as some happy treatise for
Japanese children like “How to Build a Navy in 15 Lessons?” I enquire.
Also this. American young persons employ their Christmas holiday for make
careless amusements like turkey-eat, merrying and flirtating. Would it
not be more healthy for their souls if following program was served for
Christmas?
8 A. M.—Get up for Sunday clothes.
8.30 A. M.—Light breakfast of rice & water.
9.00 A. M.—practise prize-fighting, feetball & other simple gymnastus.
9.30 A. M.—attend lecture on Art, Music & Shorthand.
10.30 A. M.—read together from works of John Greenleaf Whittier and
relate 6 humoristick anecdotes of Hon. Mark Twain.
NOON—Vegetarian refreshments & light nap till
2 P. M.—Mass meeting of all nationalities to discuss Universal Peace.
5 P. M.—Tea ceremony at residence of some rich person.
7 P. M.—Dinner of fish, pickled turnips & other holiday foods.
8.30 P. M.—Attend performance of Ben Hur.
10.30 P. M.—Retire after sending out Mary Christmas cards to all friends.
This kind of Christmas enjoyment would make all Christians more healthy.
For Christmas present they would give valuable advice and receive choice
instruction as come-back. Foreign Americans which now make peace-on-earth
by whisky-drinking would not do so. By eating Japanese food all would
escape digestion which now makes so many angry groans in bed. Infants &
babies would not be faked to by Santy Claus. Fire-engine man would hitch
horse and attend lectures, because there would not be no Christmas trees
to burn down the insurance. Professors would have fine time talking and
all would be obliged to listen. This would be very cheap and natural for
each human race.
Whenever I am talked to of giving something to merry Christmas people I
tell following Japanese mothology:
In Kyoto, about 12007 B. C., there reside a notorious Poet name of Washu
who remain there tranquilly, enjoying blessings of great poverty, thank
you. Governing this city there was a gentleman name of Hon. Mamayuki who
was celebrated for stingyness and other virtues. On New Year day, time of
Japanese Christmas-present, poet Washu send to Hon. Mamayuki following
rhythm: