“I shall spent it in worrying about the ruin of America which should
occur on Nov. 3,” are fuss I make & do a vanish. O-Fido do same way.
So I go to street corner & set on water-plog to enjoy sorrow without
interrupt. O-Fido devote time smelling rats which is not there under
pavement.
Near off by lamp-post I see several carpenter-mans at work in middle of
street a-building 1 tiny house of delicious sheet-iron. It were a awful
temporary-looking struxure of 6 × 10 architexure.
Pretty soonly long come one Hon. Police, by name Paul Smutz, who get
my affection by arrest of Bunkio Saguchi for gin-drunk. I are a proud
acquaintanceship to this hero.
“Such oddy house!” I say-it with points to place what them carpenter-mans
was a-building. “What you call such a cabin in American language?”
“That house,” say Hon. Police, “are called a Pole.”
“It do not look like a Pole in appearance,” I otter. “To Japanese
Schoolboy it look more like a penitentiary for white rabbits.”
“So wicked thought!” say Hon. Police with buttons. “That tiny house to
which you now look at are Palladium of American Liberty.”
“What do Americans do in such a Palladium?” are next question for me.
“They votes for Presidents,” ollicute Hon. Smutz with helmet.
“So happy!” I say-it. “In them tiny doll-cabins Presidents is
manufactured by ballet-box every 4 years! Were Pres. Roosevelt made in a
little tin cottage like that?”
“Absolutely similar,” snuggest that coply man.
“I are surprised he did not burst it!” are notation for me.
Silences by Hon. Police. Waggish signals by O-Fido.
“How could Hon. Taft be accommodated in such a toy temple?” are
intelligent query I make.
“Fat candidates gets slim votes in some districts,” complain he.
“What makes Americans more freer than any other kingdom?” I ask-it
because Hon. Smutz are not yet savage.
“Americans is more freer because they are permitted to vote,” compute
them official.
“So happy Americans!” I snagger. “How free they should all feel going to
Pole on Nov. 3 eech with a ballet in his hand to vote it!”
“They should, but do they?” revoke he with club. “Many Americans make
long journeys on Election Day to escape that Palladium of Liberty.”
“Could they feel free without that sweet privelage?” I require.
“They feel most free when they forget it,” he dub. “I prove this by
following tabloid statistick:
“1—Out of eech 3 Americans only 1 Registers.
“2—Out of eech 3 who Registers only 1 Votes.
“3—Out of eech 3 who Votes only 1 cares who is Elected.”
“How shocky!” I gasp. “By such sinful statistick America must be going to
doggly bow-wow!” (Howels from O-Fido.)
“Can not some patriots do something to make more votes for Election Day?”
are next queery I ask.
“Many of them do,” say he. “Many persons votes 5 or 6 times eech election
to make fatter ballet-box.”
“Such noble patriots should receive at least 1 Carnegie meddle,” I lapse.
“They should, but do they?” are repose he say. “There will be much
gladness of rejoicing shot off in this Hon. City for Election Night,” he
add for information.
“I read by newspaper this morning how Election of either Candidates would
be cause for great national mourning,” I reckon.
“You read the wrong paper,” say Hon. Smutz. “When announcement of new
President are made entire lid will be removed from America & 4th of July
will shoot through. What patriots are not already in saloons will be
tied together in magnificent blockade on streets mixed with brass bands,
tin-horning, full dinner-pails, Glad-It’s-Over Marching Clubs, automobile
axidents & other demonstrations of peaceful banzai. Musick-waggons will
ocasionally sonter by with all office-seekers trying to get on at once.
Maddy yalls from crowd when eech newspaper bulletin-board announce
that another doubtful State has gone Republickan, as usual. Rockets.
Occasional fights to make everybody completely cheerful. Fire-engines go
by to some joyful blaze. Telegrams arrive. Romp-girls dance along with
tickle feathers. Then O!! Portrait of Future President are flashy to
screen. Bells go off confused by whissles & drumcore exploded by throats
of 1,000,000 yalling Americans.”
“And what next?” I enquire patiently.
“Following this,” say Hon. Paul Smutz, heroic Police, “following this are
complete silence for 4 years.”
And he depart off to catch an excessive automobile what done a crime.
* * * * *
Mr. Editor, it will require more than explosions to awake Hon. Washington
from sweet sleep which will go on for next 4 years. When Associated Press
hears slight shock along Patomac it will not be sounds of unrest—it will
be merely snores from happy Congressmen. By time this loving letter are
there in your post-office, White House furniture are already preparing
to be sat on by another kind of Person. Perhapsly he will be a bigger
man, but I bet my bootware he will not cover so many places at once.
In Executive Offices a new Voice will kind of quiver & flitter through
corridors which is used to being cracked by a Real Racket. In Aunty
Room outside will set distinguished statesmans in awful neat rows with
eyebrows full of Thought and nothing else. Gentleman inside may say,
“Prevaricatorius ugly lyre!” now & then, but sound of this curse will be
less hearty than of yore-time.
And in that Crowd Outside following sweet faces will be missing:
1—Shaggy Pete, Louisiana guide.
2—Harvard football captain.
3—Mrs. O’Rafferty, mother of 6 twins.
4—Rev. Lyman Abbott.
5—Spike McGhoul, heavyweight swat.
6—Charles Scribbler & Sons.
7—Duke De Buzzi and staff.
8—Nero, famous trick elephant from Hippodrome.
Them features, Mr. Editor, will be seriously lacking. Cabinet will
come together occasionally for slight confap but it will seem quiet,
like directors’ meeting of Ice Trust. Treaties will be made in sneeky
gum-slipper manner. Panama Canal will be finished & nobody will know it.
New President of America might declare war between U. S. and Germany with
less dramatick effect than Hon. Roosevelt got by chasing 3 boys off from
White House steps.
Next 4 years will be healthy climbate for old persons & delicate
children. People will live longer but not so much. And what will happen
to us in 1912? Hon. Nick Longworth will explain with American eye-wink!
Thou, too, climb on the Ship of State,
Climb on, O happy Candidate!—
And favoured Nations shall proclaim
The deeds of You who drag to fame
Your good-for-nothing Running Mate!
Hoping you are entirely aware,
Yours truly,
HASHIMURA TOGO.
S. P.—Banzai! America fleet reach Tokyo and international friendship are
glued together by sticky ceremonies. Most sweetest exercise of all was
when them 10,000 Japanese school-children sing, “Hail Columbia, Jappy
land!”
H. T.
XXXV
FALL HATS AND THE LADIES INSIDE OF THEM
SAN FRANCISCO, November 6th.
_Editor New York Newspaper who must wear grandy Robe of
Literature & Science emborderied over with tucks & jounces
which represents Art; but he must also retain a calm Derby Hat
to make himself sensible in order to do so._
DEAR SIR—If my Uncle Nichi would not go roundy town seeing America
he would not come home & talk about it. I should like to remain his
affactunate Nefew, I should delight to reverence his bald hairs because
he are my Ancester—but I will be lynched if I can remain faithful to all
them fooly Questions he ask-it! Eech moment by clock-time he come to
me with Queery & when I are giving sweethearted reply he are preparing
another Enquire for answer. Only a mean dib can plug his voice, thank you!
“I observe something,” he say-me yesterday because he think he did, “I
observe it how female women of America is entirely beasts of burden.”
“That are something to observe,” I deploy. “Where they carry them
beastly burden, please, if proper?”
“I observe it,” he remain, “how they carries them burdens in enormed &
sometimes overbearing quantities on top of their heads. Oftenly ladies of
minus 126 pounds of complete frailness is seen totering from walk to walk
with awful monstry platforms on their skull while on top side of this are
piled fruits & vegetables, glassware, window-curtains, fuel, iron & wood,
office supplies, general groceries, flours & other provisions. What you
call them platters full of merchandise?” require Nichi.
“Would you get amazed if told?” I ask it.
“I shall attempt to,” he report.
“Them platters,” I say slow for gentle break, “is called Hats!”
Uncle Nichi is staggered to believe it.
“In Japan,” he tangle, “they would be called roofs. Such a Hat are
sifficiently sized to support a entire family.”
“In America,” I falter, “it oftenly require a entire family to support
such a Hat.”
Uncle Nichi set down because he are a oldy man and got a faint nerve.
“I will told you more,” I revoke. “Those Hon. Hats is pinned on to them
Ladies what forget how painful they feel & drag them from places to
places with smile of sweet resign. They are even happy while wearing them
because they Imagines something.”
“What could they Imagine after that?” are enqueery for Nichi.
“They Imagines they are beautiful!” are report from me.
“Hashimura Togo,” rasp them feebly Unc, “up to now I have believed
everything. Please tell lies more gently. I are not prepared to swallow
too much.”
“When foreigners talk about American Ladies they must be prepare to
swallow anything,” are argue I make. “This are customary.”
“Ladies must be oftenly scrushed to death beneath them awful lids,”
require Nichi with Hearst editorial look.
“Such are the untruth,” I let go. “Them Hats is frequently more lighter
than they looks by appearance. Although they are huje enormalosities
amassed all over outside with riotous debree, yet they are kept light by
fact that there ain’t nothing inside of them.”
“What-so!” say Nichi. “Ain’t them Ladies got their brains inside of them
Hats?”
“If Ladies had sifficient brains enough to fill such Hats they would wear
them much smaller,” are jount from me.
“Can we expect something worse soon?” suppose Nichi.
“Of surely we can!” say me. “In _Woman’s Homely Companion_, stylish
paper, I read 1 page of fashionable hints wrote by a elderly clergyman
who sign himself ‘Frou-Frou’ because he need the salary. He make
following alarmy prediction:
“‘Stiles for 1909 will be built on Delagrange models with
box-kite planes fore and aft to look awful tasty. All them
patterns for winter wear will be heavier-than-air types which
is very chick. Them Zepellin hats, so popular last season, are
now being frowned at by Dam Fashion who says they are clumbsy &
apt to catch afire. Them new hats will seem kind of horble when
first looked at, but when they got a fan-shaped propeller going
at full speed in the rear, you got to acknowledge they look
mischievous & expensive.
“‘Many poor girls is making them at home after Buttermilk
Patterns furnished by request & 10c extra please. Some light
ashwood ribs, 90 yards mercyfied silk & a trifle of wire (which
can be took out of any piano) are sifficient for.
“‘By sending $7,000 to Paris you can get one of them
ready-trimmed by the Wright Sisters.’”
“If it was not printed in that _Homely Companion_ paper I would enjoy a
suspicion that Hon. Frou-Frou was talking about airships,” contract my
poor Relation.
“Hats & Airships is very dear cousins,” I rotate. “But they has some
delicious differences. Some Airships can’t lift nothing—but Ladies is
often entirely carried away by Hats.”
[Illustration: “‘Do not hide your light under a bushel basket,’ are smart
quotation for me”]
“Where would they be carried away to?” ask Uncle Nichi, who are studying
American jokes by correspondence school.
“To any extreme,” I choke off for fear I shall hit Uncle Nichi with a
angry Dib. So he go way for read newspaper & learn some more intelligent
Questions to ask it.
* * * * *
Mr. Editor, it are fashionable to appear smarty & suspicious when
conversing in print about Ladies. Any colledge child not intelligent
enough to learn bookkeeping & stenography can publish at least 1 book
called “Sneery Thoughts of a Snappy Cynick” & sell from 10 to 1,000,000
copies. This to include several epigrams about Mrs. Eve and other famous
Parisians. (“What are a ‘epigram’?” ask Little Annie Anazuma.
“A epigram are a cheap Joke in a dress-suit,” are reply for Japanese
Schoolboy.)
Even Hon. Rud. Kipling, who write many novels and speak fluidly in both
English & American, make sinickal talk about female Ladies. He-say “A
Woman are merely a Woman, but a good cigar cost 25c.”
In Manila a good cigar only cost 8c, and yet Ladies is found growing
there in tropickal bundance. So you see it are useless to try & compute
the worthlessness of them in terms of tobacco.
Mr. Editor, I know only 3 Ladies to my acquaintanceship; but there is a
4th one now which I am learning pretty quick. Among this crowd are Hon.
Mrs. Lusy Macdonald, 286 pounds of entire beauty, to her I enjoy a tender
business relation. She reward me $1.25 weekly for barber her lawn & comb
it with rakes. Oftenly I speak to this lady with pathetick expression,
because she may rise my salary if I look sifficiently unhappy. Sometime
she bring me tea by side-porch to include ginger-snaps & I tell her
delicious lies about myself so she will think what a fine Jobber I am.
This Lady are very expensive in clothes which appear hellish & also
include dimonds. She obtain her gownds in Paris where they hates
Americans and shows it by the stiles they sell them. It are a mean
revenge. But Mrs. Macdonald can afford to dress in stile, because she are
rich enough to be exentrick. I do not yet notice that she wear Directory
skirt at knee. I shall telegraf you if she gets one.
Next in my acquaintanceship of feminines are Little Annie Anazuma,
9-year-age daughter of I. Anazuma, Japanese barber. This childy Japanese
are too young to be a lady, but she are already quite foolish.
& 3rd on this List of Ladies are Miss Alice Furioki, wife to my Cousin
Nogi. I was once her finance, but when she marry Nogi I broke my
engagement to her for spiteful reasons.
But 4th of them are a Girly Person to which I must own up. She are by
initials Miss Evelyn Suki & have become a dear schoolfriend to Miss
Furioki and very oftenly they meet together to do some chumming & other
giggles. And very oftenly I make drop-in to home of Cousin Nogi for
borrow opera glass or cigarette or what he got. And oftenly Miss Suki
make door-knock for see Miss Furioki & Japanese Boy are axidentally
there. I make eye-wink of soul to think how fox I are.
By last Wednesday P. M. I get nervus about Cousin Nogi & go see him
offhandedly. Miss Furioki come to door and I make very humbel signals to
her with derby hat.
“I am delicious to ask it, please, Mrs. Madam, thank you so much, so
sorry I come. Are Cousin Nogi inside, thank you?”
“No, he are entirely out!” dib Miss Furioki, who despises me earnestly.
“Then I shall remain, thank you,” I say for cheerful smiles & take
set-down to parler where I see Miss Suki doing a fancy task in
companionship with Miss Furioki. On centre-table was a large objeck to
resemble a clothes-basket & them Ladies was fondly trimbing it with
smilax, ribbons and other laces. Occasionally they stand off-side, mouths
confused by pins; sometimes they make critick faces and speek in milinary
language.
“What you call That what you are doing?” I wander.
“Intelligent persons calls it a Hat,” snip Miss Furioki.
“By Bible you could not wore such a Hat,” are mope from me.
“What-say Bible about it?” require Miss Suki who are studying to be a
missionary.
“Hon. Bible say, ‘Do not hide your light under a bushel basket,’” are all
sound I make.
Deep breathing from Miss Furioki. Miss Suki look slyly joyful. Pretty
soonly them Hat are sifficiently complete for have try-on to head of Miss
Furioki, who make poze before mirror with cowcattish expression.
“You hide cozily inside,” I arrange.
“It are a very theatrical hat,” lapse Miss Suki fairly.
“It look like a famous Play to me,” I commune for pious regard.
“What famous Play you meant?” queery Miss Alice. “You meant the ‘Jolly
Widow?’”
“Maybe ‘Payed in Full’ are Play them Hat look like,” beseech Miss Suki.
“Ah, no!” I revolve, “another from them!”
“Then which play it look like, if so smart?” rasp wife of Nogi.
“It look like ‘The Devil’ to me,” I assassinate, and go out by door.
Sound of crashy furniture inside, and other simptoms of an American Girl.
Also some delicious snickkers from Miss Suki. Thank her so many!
* * * * *
Foreigners visiting America for first time is expected to say something
about American women before getting off the boat. A very sublime Prince
from Island of Borneo of recently come over & say following statistick
about American Women:
1—They are naturally very foolish, but are less so when
educated.
2—It are easy to distinguish their Sext by their clothes—
3—Except in the case of Literary Ladies who wears derbies.
4—They are awful extravagant.
5—They are terrible stingy.
6—Many of them has more snippy espree than Frenchwoman.
7—Many has less.
8—They have got such quantity of Charm, etc., that it are
difficult for a Foreigner to look at them without enjoying
Lovesick simptoms.
American Ladies hear them compliments, Mr. Editor, with pompadours swole
up with pride; but they are forgetful that what that Hon. Sublime said
about them are true of every national Lady in the entire world—with the
exception of the Ladies of Zeeweezi Land where it are the custom for them
to cut off their noses to spite their husbands.
Hoping you can afford it, I am,
Yours truly,
HASHIMURA TOGO.
XXXVI
FEETBALL FOR MOLLYCUDDLES
SAN FRANCISCO, November 10th.
_To Editor New York Newspaper which must give large Colledge
Yall to see such great Yale-Harvard feetball combination when
Hon. Roosevelt pushed Hon. Taft across line._
HON. MR.—I have discovered more yet. America are no sooner through making
one Loud Noise than she are prepared to make another. Her screems for
Spring occupy Baseballing; next come Presidential Election where every
person are ready to banzai & make provoked hollers; soonly following
this arrive Feetball when talented Colledge Ladds is glued together for
chorus of howels & rores which you would not believe except when it
happens. Then America gives Thanksgiving because they are glad it are all
over; but so vainly to think! With immediate quickness arrive Happy New
Years when the roof of Hon. Heaven are entirely shrieked away with steam
whissles. After this who knows what?
“You have forgot to put in Fourth of July,” say Uncle Nichi.
“That Hon. Explosion must be mentioned all by itself,” are contort for me.
Mr. Editor, all newspaper-prints is now filled with scandal about
feet-ballers & what happen to them. I understand how Carlyle Indians
would be champions of America except for fact that Chief Kick-in-the-Head
have received something like his name; also ½ back, Hon. Hoopi, have
fraxured both legs; ¼ back, Crazy Buffalo, are now in hospital enjoying 2
or 3 ribs, & Young-Man-Who-Butts-Like-a-Goat, famous tackler, have come
apart & must be sewed together. White mans has been entirely unjust to
Indians. Not satisfied with teaching them whisky-drunk they now educates
them in feetball. The Nobel Red Man are thusly fast becoming a bursted
race.
In another news-print I read-it how there are a general move in America
to make feetball more kindly. How foolish to think! Feetball without an
occasional murder would be like a bullfite without no Hon. Bull. It would
be gentle, but who would come? I require no answer.
Howeverly all grandest California Colledges is now playing Rugboy
feetball which is English & therefore entirely polite. And yet necks can
be bursted by this way if required.
Last Saturday in early P. M. I make a very stylish appearance to my
clothes which include frockaway coat, derby hat, respectful gloves &
whatever shoes & socks are necessary for most beautiful way to look. With
such ornaments I could not wear my familiar necktie which are getting too
shabbed; so I borrow one of angry red complexion from Arthur Kickahajama
who was not there when I took it. Thank you, Arthur, for kindness loan!
With them fashionable haberdash I make my joyful footprints go in
direction of sidewalk where all Japanese what see me revoke, “Where
would Hashimura Togo go so completely decorated?” But for answer I make
American eye-wink & nothing else.
Pretty soonly I arrive by door-mat of Yoshima Suki, Japanese carpenter,
& there I do rap-tap with nervus knuckles. After deliciously long time
Miss Evelyn Suki, dreamy lady of entire youngness, come to knob & look
surprised because she expect it was me.
“Kind morning, Mr. Togo,” she say-it with deceptive expression of a
female, “which of my Parents did you come to see?”
“How many of them Parents have you got, please?” I remove with polite
derby.
“I got two to include 1 Mother & 1 Father, both enjoying nice health,”
she response.
“You are fortunate to have so many,” I corrode, “therefore permit them to
enjoy their nice health without disturb from us.”
She do so, thank you.
We set in parlour & have a few conversations & occasional topicks. I get
more charms eech moment by her sweet looks & cowcattish smile. I could
throb forever in such lonesome company. Pretty soonly I say-so.
“Hon. Miss Suki, excuse me, sir, I ask it” (such nerves from me!).
“Please may we go forthly together this afternoon for some sporty
amusement?”
“Where we go to find such a sporty amusement?” she dement, tucking away
her hair with morsel wave.
“In Japanese Y. M. C. A.,” I snagger, “Hon. Rev. Chillworthy will
speek an entirely harmless lecture about ‘Onward & Upward for Little
Missionaries,’ We could go there for minus expense because it are free.”
Stillness from Miss Suki.
“You no care for such an excitements?” I ask it.
“Slightly, perhaps,” are response from her, “Where else could we go for
it?”
(I make sneekret count inside my pocket which contain 45c wealth.)
“Trolley-ride to Cliff House & peanuts by beach would be somewhat
fashionable amusement if it wasn’t raining,” I snuggest.
“It might, but would it?” are next question for her.
I begin to enjoy go-home feeling for such discouredged talk.
“To tell you truthly, Mr. Togo,” she apply, “I got 2 tickets for one
Feetball Game which will be kicked off this afternoon. You like to be
chaperone to me for this ceremony?”
“I am reckless to try,” I cheer up. (For only a very fooly person would
omit to be chaperone to a Angel what got 2 tickets, price $4.)
So we go there & seen what was.[1]
[1] Mr. Togo is describing Intercollegiate Football; still played
by minor colleges in California. Rugby is being played by the
principal colleges there.
* * * * *
Mr. Editor, with what crippled penmanship I got how should I attemp
to describe such scene of banzai, hari-kiri, stroggle & push what we
seen for them 2 tickets? How can poor Japanese Schoolboy tell of such
delicious race-riot all over mud which them heroes plowed with their
faces?
Therefore I shall do so.
Me & Miss Evelyn Suki we set on bleached seats between 6 maiden co-eds
and 2 colledge boys of average age 63 years. Heart-bursting screems was
enjoyed by them for entire afternoon. When most fiercest play of feetball
happened them oldy colledge boys would strike me in ankle with their cane
which was a insult. Rainy weather & slight westerly showers.
Game of Feetball, Mr. Editor, are played by 22 enormous boys which are
divided equally into ½ to look even. One ½ wear stripes & other ½ wears
New Jersey sweaters of entirely blue colour. None of them Players is
allowed to be killed before the game begins.
Delicious mud all over grounds which are good to slide on & show how
graceful it can be done.
Considerable rah-rah cries indulged in by all specktaters to include Miss
Suki & 10,000 others. Talented howels from all colledge boys who set in
bleached seats around feetball grounds which is called a Griddle because
it look like something else. Of suddenly OH-H-H-H!!!