Therefore do you remember Poets now and then?
Washu, the Poet, have sang songs for your benefit several
administrations,
He have handed out tributes to your handsome of face, good-clothes,
Not forgetting praise of babies belonging to your several Hon. wives;
Also Washu has been regardless about speaking of your generosity.
Therefore, Commander of Heaven and Earth,
Is it not
About time
That you make trifling Christmas-reward to the celebrated
sing-songer Washu?
I bow down, strike forehead and request reply by return mail.”
Hon. Mamayuki, soon as he receive this poetical rhythm, go to barnyard of
Palace and there choose one camel-horse celebrated for hungry appetite.
This brutal beast Hon. Mamayuki capture and send to Hon. Washu with
following words:
“Little Gift to reward great Poet. Mary Christmas!”
Hon. Washu see this camel-horse and weep thoughtfully. Poets is not given
credit for groceries in Japan—so how to feed this menagerie which was
no use to Mr. Washu’s profession? Yet it would not be safe for his neck
to sell or give away present sent by Gov. of Kyoto. Even while weeping
this poetical Japanese embrace that camel pet with one glad thought:
Camel-horses is different from plain beasts, because they only needs to
eat and drink once time eech month!
“This is great economy for Japanese Poet,” make Washu in brain-thoughts.
But when 1st day of next month come by them brutal animal begin
complaining for lunch. Washu enjoy painful thought—but he is brave
Samurai. So he lead this camel-pet to kitchen where greatest poverty
ensues. “All which I have here you are welcome to and much obliged,” he
say to camel-pet. So he bring out 6 pounds rice, 72 pancakes, 14 packages
tea, 2 bales straw, 9 yards matting from floor—all these delecatessance
which camel-horse devour making lip-smack and other sounds of great
thirst. Now at that time there was big drouth in Kyoto and water was very
expensive, thank you. But this poetical Washu buy three barrel of water
for that camel-horse at price of 2 yen per quart. But camel-pet continue
making rusty sounds of voice to request more, please.
At last when this hon. brute begin to eat paper from walls Washu feed
him shoes & straw hat and commit hari-kiri after delivering following
invitation to Mamayuki, Gov. of Kyoto:
“Dear sir, when next you present Camel to one poor Japanese
Please provide pension with which to pay board for this Zoo;
For is it just to donate Palace to gentleman who cannot afford to pay
for lawn-sprinkler?
Is it generous to endow poverty-persons with ottomobiles when they
have not got nothing to buy no gasolene with?
Flour, potatoes, beefsteak,
Is enthusiastic Christmas-present for all literary Poets,
But since Camel came
I have felt White Elephant on fingers.
Therefore Washu the Poet
Goes dead.
If you look for his address,
Enquire of Ancestors,
For it is very cheap to live when you are dead.”
Thank you, Mr. Editor, I am going to be Christian on Dec. 25, so as to
get back them 25c which Hon. Rev. Chillworthy has took. But I am going
to eat like heathen, think like heathen, act like heathen, so that
everything about me shall remain in good-healthy condition for 4th of
July, when it is unnecessary to be a Christian, thank you. Hoping you get
for Christmas present what is coming to you,
Yours truly,
HASHIMURA TOGO.
XXXIX
THE ANNUAL NEW YEAR
SAN FRANCISCO, December 28th.
_To celebrated newspaper printers, New York City, etc._
DEAREST SIRS—We are about to put away this 1908th year, thank you,
because it is considerably used up. How many kind thoughts of neighbours,
young ladies, labouring unions, sickness, food & drunk, poems of Hon. Mr.
Byron, etc., come to this Japanese Schoolboy for sentimental intelligence
to celebrate! O my, so soon this year have went! So short of time for 365
days, so full of everything what has happened to people! How can I speak
for tears of voice? O happy date of Jan. 1st! Persons which are sorry for
what they done on Christmas can now forget it by turning over and over:
Give ring-off to old, give ring-on to new!
During this so happy annual that is past many National Events has
happened to me. Brick-bat wound sent by labouring union has swole up,
thank you, enjoying some agony; Miss Furioki which married cousin Nogi
loves me so little; C. W. Kurashuke, Japanese dentistry, operate on my
toothache which I shall never pay for; Arthur Kickahajama, missionary
boy, ruin the beauty of my derby hat by wearing it; I must suicide myself
to hari-kiri on account of O-Fido who create expense & only wag about it;
I have acquired a feetwet by searching for employment which brings me the
result of great influenza and sneezing in hon. nose. All these blessings
make Japanese Boy forgiving to turn over new leap-year.
I enjoy suspicious sensation, Mr. Editor. What make all-world persons so
happy about New Year day arriving less? Because so. Persons say secretly
in sinful brain-thoughts: “That last annual year were disappointing,
thank you. It was good year when first made, but considerably decomposed
by various gentlemans who was to blame. Hon. Roosevelt spoil this year
with muddy feet-kicks, Hon. Rockefeller ruin it by robbery & prayer, Hon.
Lawson make it sad with considerable foolish wisdom. This year may go
chase itself, please, if convenient. By next New Year time we shall not
enjoy so many curses. All world shall love itself and so on. Japanese
shall join hands with Irish and population mix-up. Bankers, divorces,
house-flies, and other grafts shall be prohibited by poisoning them.
Therefore let us order another drunk.”
“Of what value is this New Year time to Japanese persons?” I compel of
cousin Nogi when I call to borrow 10 cents, price of Japanese cigarettes.
“For this,” exaggerate Nogi, “because is.”
“Tell me to know, please how?” I exhibit.
“Togo,” cry Nogi, “New Year is for getting rid of sin. You have some
expensive sin which you keep around—shampane, high-food, silk derby—New
Year fine time to make swear-off of this.”
“I am ridiculous to laugh,” I commit, “what expensive sin I swear-off,
please? I am enjoying too much poverty to be able not to get along
without nothing which I haven’t not got, have I?”
“One expensive sin you have got which you might resolution to get away
from,” magnify this Nogi, “you are educated to cigarette-smoking.
Swear-off, please. Therefore I will not loaned you them 10c you ask for
to have.”
Since these conversation I have not called to Nogi or Miss Furioki which
he married himself to. Nogi has got one jiu-jitsu comeing to him.
However yet, if I am sinful, I shall make some fine resolutions to give
up many things which I have not got. But before doing so I shall be
thankful to supply for you following review of National Events which has
happened to this kingdom for year 1908th:
_Panama Canal_—This will be completed as soon as begun. No mosquitos.
_Politicks_—Hon. Roosevelt will not be doing so much longer. This kingdom
have already chosen which Democratic president will not be elected.
_Warfare_—I do not know about this. America fleet is out hunting for it.
_Education_—Hon. Mark Twain is made laughing professor of Oxford, home
for English schoolboys. Humoristick anecdote of that great man was
enjoyed by all and understood by some.
_Literature & Art_—Much is being done in this line, but very little
accomplished.
_Socialism_—This talk is spoken in many languages and require much
brain-thought. Some delightful speaker say:
“All men are equal.” “Equal to what?” is question from Japanese Boy.
_Business_—This is pretty hard to do just at presently.
_Athleticks_—A game of feetball was played between Yale & Harvard this
year to celebrate the Battle of Waterloo. Both sides won except Yale,
which didn’t. This is fine exercise for young students which does not
care for death by book-study.
_Real Estate_—Everywhere good corner lots can be had for prices asked.
Skyscrape buildings is acting very valuable. Some empty lots still
continues to remain in Canada and suburbs of Nebraska. J. Furo, Japanese
hardware, who is dead, is renting second story of store to O. Jiijuwaki,
Japanese undertaker.
* * * * *
Mr. Editor, because you are conductor of great newspaper I desire let you
have some news which will surprise you. It happen in Japan 2016 years
formerly. Following is it:
During that year I say about there reside in Hokadate, Japan, very sweet
singer name of Obi Obi. In order to keep him in good voice for songs,
which he could sang like nightinglory-bird, this man was oblige to take
considerable rice brandy by each evening. Then he would sing pretty fine
till stopped by friends and police. He continue this exercise for several
years and never get tired out of it.
Come time to Happy New Years on the day before is. Obi Obi declare:
“To-morrow will be January One on which all good Japanese are respected
to reform theirselves. Therefore tonight must be the night.”
So Obi Obi order to house large kag-barrel of rice whiskey, together with
many friends to hear concert. After 2 qts of these was drunken up Obi
Obi sing very fine from Japanese opera. Friends applause for more and
decry: “Too sorry this music-song must be stopped up to-morrow which is
swear-off New Years!”
When midnight time arrive, Obi Obi, too tired to sing no more, so he fall
to slumber under table and this he dream:
He dream that Angel of Dying drop to him out of sky and carry under wing
one large literary Book.
“Obi Obi,” she command, “these here Book is that Life which you been
leading around this several years.”
“My sakes!” commute this Obi Obi, “what disgusting literary job of
writing is put down on them pages—such blots and woggly-letters with
swear-and-tear places all over it! Who wrote them disgusting records of
life, please Mr. Angel?”
“Obi Obi, sweet singer, it was _you_ that done it all these years you
have been songing and whiskey-drunking,” devour that lovely Angel.
“Then I must have enjoyed great wickedness to have wrote my lifetime so
badly,” retort that great man.
“Yes, you have so,” say Angel. “You are therefore to die and go to
boiling-point on this New Year day—come, please.”
“Thank you, Hon. Angel, one more chance for Obi Obi, be so kind!”
“Very well, once more chance,” say spirited Angel. “If you can wrote in
these Book one page of neat-writing, Spencerian book-keep handwrite, no
blotting-marks, then you may die and go Heaven.”
“Thank you to do!” say Obi Obi, & took fountind pen & wrote once more
page in Book of Life. But when done—O such bad disgust! That page was all
blotty-marked with woggly ink-splatter letters and orthography.
“There!” say Angel, “you have wrote new leaf on New Year day, and see! It
is worse job as formerly. Come, please, and die.”
Obi Obi look at page and say this following philosophy:
“The reason why so I write it so bumly in Book of Life is not because of
me, but because of bad pen and ink provided.”
Then he wake up with head-split and throat-crack symbols of drunkenness.
He make groaning sound and O Yucha San, wife of his, approach with that
delicious ice-water.
“It is Happy New Year!” she relate, making smiles.
“Thank you for telling me so it is,” say Obi Obi. Then he went dead.
And them dying words is to be saw on tomb which you may visit there
to-day, price two sen admission.
Please to listen what I do with tipewriting last night:
_O JOYFUL NEWNESS OF YEAR_
O joyful newness of annual year!
Oh!
It is refreshing to watch the daisies sprouting all along the eternal
cowpath of cities;
Is it not?
And yet I have never saw them do this;
But still they are to emblify hopeing-feel of New Year.
Shall I mail you coloured post-card,
O Love?
Telling about how Japanese Boy
Feel fresh?
On all gate-posts of American persons is hung emblems
Of hope for future real-estate.
All Americans are caming home early of New Year morning.
And some has forgotten to.
For New Year has came with legal holly-day
To put on derby hat,
To see friends and enjoy excitement of general custom.
I bow to Happy New Year, I reverence all them things about it,
I rejoice, legally, I intoxicate, I syndicate my thoughts to all
humanity-races—
And yet, to tell you honest true,
I do not care much for New Years time,
Because I do not.
Hoping you will be more wiser, if possible, next annual year and that all
persons may be onto it, also, good-bye and some to friends,
Yours truly,
HASHIMURA TOGO.