idly unemployed. Hon. Chancellor Day, famous Socialist, say it is all to
blame of Pres. Roosevelt who done it. Maybe so it is. In great Christian
country like this it is very dangerous experiment to preach the law “Thou
shalt not steal.” Panick of fear is apt to follow with general shut-up of
factories, trust companies & other religious institutions.
* * * * *
Hon. Forker say, “This kingdom need some new President what will restore
publick Confidence.”
Such brightness of idea! Let us have get-together and elect Hon. Forker
so that all publick Confidence Men can be restored to power!
Hoping you will be one of them,
Yours truly,
HASHIMURA TOGO.
S. P.—If you have got anything & wish to write it to me by letter, my
address of residence is as following:
_H. Togo,_
_Patriots of Japan Boarding and Lodging,_
_Near Water Front_
_Back room by Kitchenette_
_Care Frank the Japanned Bootpolish._ _San Francisco._
Sometime I am not to at-home, but Frank, which is one sweet schoolfriend
to me, will poke it under door till I return from permanent seek for
employment.
H. T.
XXXII
THE ALCOHOLIC TEMPERANCE MOVEMENT
SAN FRANCISCO, October 22d.
_To Editor of New York Newspaper which is often read by all
Japanese who can afford it, I assure you._
DEAR SIR—I am given to be told by some wise Editors, etc., that these U.
S. is now enjoying the temperance of Prohibition in many States and more
too. Although I can not notice such a movement in this street, perhaps
it is slightly true. In several sections of this kingdom whisky-drunking
is becoming unknown by law, salooners is quitting that sinfulness & all
bar-keeps is retiring from that public office. In South, army of reform
is playing “Marching Through Georgia” on water-pitchers. Is this a
truthful news what I hear? I enquire to know, so I can go there, please.
By newspaper print I read this early morning: “Wave of temperance against
salooners is creeping in direction of New York.” First I greet this
with glad banzai, then I am depressed of thought. Wave of temperate
prohibition is on road to New York, but will it arrive there? And if it
should do this, what will happen to it when got there? That is problem
for Japanese Boy.
And yet I am earnest to say it. Prohibition of drunk is a comfortable
blessing to demand, because it is very difficulty for white persons to be
tame when exposed to wild beverages. Irish, Swedish, Italian & Jewish is
most useful for calamities by feeding them whisky. Japanese is also too
patriotic when enjoying bun-bun.
* * * * *
In the great cities of America where persons is brought together for
living over each other by sky-scrape apartment the sell of whisky spoil
the low layers of society. Labouring classes stop being it because of
alcohol poison and other ingredients to be found in it. Labourer so
poisoned can not support dear wife & child because he is resting in jail
for what he done. This is especially true of Chicago.
Tip-top layers of society also enjoy poison from this liquour curse, but
they are less pitiful because they do not rest in jail. Salooners must
not be forsaken by wealthy persons because these can still be respected
when least respectable. But salooners must be closed up from low layers
of society which must continue to work and keep up appearances of great
city. If not these, who would?
Whisky is divided into four kinds of bottle by following statistick:
1. Whisky of Scottish descent to be drunk standing up.
2. Whisky of Irish descent to be drunk setting down.
3. Whisky of American nationality to be took in bed.
4. Whisky of patent medical origin to be took before death.
None of these beverages must be taken without family physician. Alcohol
do most injury to cities. In country districts it is less harmful because
there is more room for it to stampede.
At the Sunday school of which I am a membership to learn languages, etc.,
we there have Japanese Boy Temperance League which meet every Tuesday
night for prohibition conversation. I attend to this meeting regularity,
because free lemonade of delightful sourness is furnished free. Hon. Miss
K. N. McGee, Christian lady of light-weight beauty, come there to teach
us how to do so. She instruct us in the song-sing melody, “Cold Water is
the Drunk for Me,” and explain about the various mocking qualities of
wine. When she say “wine is mocker” do she mean about some wine which is
imitation of some other brand? She does not answer to reply.
She say, “Mr. Togo, you must not drunk any drink however mild, because
this lead to stronger and stronger yet till gray hairs to sorry grave.”
“Do water-drunking lead to lemonade drunking?” I require.
“Maybe so it might,” she otter.
“So thus, do lemonade-drunking result for soda-water thirsty?”
“Perhaps is,” she contradict.
“Then if, do soda-water collapse to ginger-ale tonic?”
“I signify it.”
“And this then: Might Japanese Boy what is raised by ginger-ale crave for
beer-drunking from this?”
“I am dangerous to reply,” say this Hon. Miss McGee.
“So sorry to hear!” I terminate. “Because weak-drunk lead to
strong-drunk, strong-drunk to powerful-drunk—and yet you say it! What for
you teach Japanese Boy ‘Cold Water is the Drunk for Me’? Water lead to
lemonade, lemonade to soda-water, soda-water to ginger-ale, ginger-ale to
beer-glass—sakes of living! What to do with this thirsty?”
“Togo,” she commute, “you are too foolish to learn what of. This
evening-time when lemonade is pass around you must avoid it because too
tempting.”
I listen, and yet I will not do so.
* * * * *
The reason why I make disagreeable argument about the temperance is not
because I do not believe it is good for all human animals. O no! It is
most best blessing for those communities which desire to be cleanly and
modern plumbing. But why should this hon. lady be so Christian in the way
she say it? Can only Christians be prohibition? What about heathens like
I am-so who do not care about wine-sip & beer-gulp? Must they accompany
this quietness of thirst with song-sing about cold water? Answer is, No!
Many heathens is very abstemperous of stomach. Many Christians is not.
Many Christians when become filled up with alcohol feel obliged to make
crimes including boastful talk which lead to murder of something. Will
driving out of salooners in business do good for those bad persons? I
hope to be.
To enquire about what will happen to salooners when drove out I go to
Hon. Strunsky, Irish gentleman who conduct saloon.
“Honourable sir,” I magnify, “if the legal laws of this San Francisco
become prohibition, so sorry for you! What would you do with this saloon
to make profitable wealth from it?”
“That is easy to reply,” say Hon. Strunsky. “I would turn it into a drug
store.”
I am shuddering when I think of that deceptive man.
* * * * *
I have obtained a slight job of employment waiting on table-board of
Fujiyama Restaurant, H. Sunigawa, Prop. This profession give me $2 weekly
sum, also three times daily to eat it. As addition to money sum I receive
$1 weekly from my cousin Nogi to help him do Japanese spy work. From this
sum of $3 weekly pay I expend it away as following:
Schoolbooks which I can not borrow .55
Cigarettes & other dissipated joys .15
Shoe-strings & neckties .20
Contribution to church when necessary .05
Car-fare for Japanese ladies .45
Poker-playing & music .26
-----
Total of this $1.66
After this money has went you can count it, Mr. Editor. I have to keep
$1.34 of weekly cash which I will save together for sufficient boat-fare
to go back Japan. Maybe I will not go at that time—if so I will do
something else and get married.
Of evening time I am frequent to attend lectures where I learn facts of
intelligence very cheap. Last night I go to speech of Dr. O. Sumuchi,
Japanese surgery, on subjeck of “Alcohol Inside of People.” Hon. Dr.
Sumuchi had most beautiful lecture because of magic-lantern showing human
stomach under surprised conditions. Following charts was showed during
lecture:
No. 1.—Pink of colour. Exposure of stomach during calm moments
before alcohol has got there.
No. 2.—More red of colour. Exposure of stomach which enjoys
happy, smiling expression because alcohol have arrived.
No. 3.—Angry mix of colour. Exposure of this stomach when
alcohol have remain there too long for polite welcome. Stomach
now enjoy angry rage and desire to quit.
No. 4.—Colour of Scottish plaid. Exposure of stomach when
alcohol have continue to do so too late. I am sorry for this
stomach because it look so brilliant, yet feel so dull!
Dr. Sumuchi say so about that stomach when so fanciful from decoration of
alcohol. He say, “Such stomach is so satisfied by alcohol it will burn up
by striking match to it.”
“Persons enjoying such a stomachs must avoid swallowing matches,” is
answer of Japanese Schoolboy.
This is translation from Japanese temperance legend:
Some time back in astronomy before the world got a very good start and
homely giants of disgusting profile was employing timber-trees for
tooth-pick, there reside in high top-mountain one bad Drink Dragon.
Now when that there Drink Dragon got thirsted he was a very serious
snake, thank you. When them giants would hear one grand roary-sound from
mountain they would make considerable eye-wink and decry, “Hon. Dragon is
enjoying trouble!”
One morning by daylight this great Worm made landslide down mountain in
search of something with which to squelch his thirsty. Soon again he come
to Hon. Ocean and snuggest, “Good morning, Mr. Ocean, I have came to
drunk you up, please.”
Then Ocean laugh considerable joke. “This is pretty wrong place for
thirsty Snake to come for gobbly rejoicing. I am great Prohibition Wave.
Nothing to do, Hon. Serpent!”
Then this Drink Dragon throw fire-engine sparks from his gills making
earthquake and he go at that Hon. Ocean to devour it up. And Ocean,
with cyclone of storms, rise up on back legs to meet Hon. Dragon. One,
two! they arrive together! Such mixing of destruction, such powerful
struggly! Ocean make hiss on red-hot steam-pipe of Dragon and this
Serpent make hot stew of Ocean. O great jiu jitsu! First Snake push
Ocean to moon, then Ocean drag Dragon to North Pole. But finally, when
both is tired out, Dragon say, “Excuse it, Mr. Ocean, while I scratch
my eyebrow.” And while Dragon was doing that peaceful act, Hon. Ocean
took mean advantage and gollup Dragon to deep-down bottom. But he was
not dead. Oh no, thank you, Snakes is not slewed with this quickness of
speed. Ninety-nine thousand years relapse and Dragon swim up, one day,
on wave of temperance. And this time he is called Sea Serpent and is
permitted to remain, please.
Moral for this tale is thus:
Water-Wave can not drowned Drink Dragon, but it can cause very unhappy
feelings for that brutal beast, thank you.
Hoping you are the same,
Yours truly,
HASHIMURA TOGO.
XXXIII
THE SALOON IN OUR TOWN
SAN FRANCISCO, October 28th.
_To Editor New York Newspaper who offer prize to letter-writer
what can tell storey of best Drunk and can prove it._
HON. DEAR—In our town resides many Saloons; and when you have saw them
all you will be surprise to find there is several more just around
corner. Many of them Saloons can be told apart by looking at them. Some
of them is paint bright & goddy colour of a ottomobiles with screeches at
doors where they are red & purpal. Drunkerds what see that mad-coloured
outside must go inside & forget it. And when they are inside they must
stay there long time for nervus collapse. When they are inside they can’t
not see the outside—and in such a state who knows what?
Other Saloons is managed with entire plate-glass and completely wooden
polish all over it to make deceptive resemblance of First National Bank,
so that refined drunkerds can go there with a stock-broke feeling.
Such Saloons require a paying teller to do barkeeping and be pretty
civilized, thank you. Them palaces is incomplete if they ain’t got over
Hon. Bar a horbly artistick oily-paint pink portrait of Mrs. Venus the
way she looked when Hon. Columbus discovered her. She got a hansom gilt
frame around her and nothing else. All them portraits cost $10,000
apiece, because Hon. Barkeep say so.
All Saloons has got a phonograf with exception of Hotels which has a
okestra. Americans which wishes to become drunk in silence must join
a Club. Hon. Strunsky, Irish salooner, make his phonograf play “I Am
Long about My Old Contucky Home” because he wish to serve sweetheart
influences with his beer; but Hon. Sheehan on opp. corner make _his_
phonograf play “Happy Widow Waltz” and “We Won’t Go Home in the Darkness”
because he-say drunkerds often gets stingy & reforms when they hears
homesick musick. Hon. Strunsky say they drink to drown trouble, Hon.
Sheehan say they drink to cause it. Both are good ways to know.
* * * * *
Tuesday Hon. Strunsky, Irish salooner, give me temporarial job of work to
help persons get drunk by doing so. I am now not there as usual. But I
learn how-do while I was. In salooning whisky-drunk are applied to them
for price $.10 and beer-drunk for price $.05 eech goblet. Green persons
unacquainted with salooning have suppose it would be cheaper for drink
beer at $.05 for one long quench when whisky cost twict as much for 1
tinty small splatter of. But such is truthless. One (1) small jounce from
whisky contain 2 or 3 times more vixen as a grown-up gobble full of beer.
Howeverly, iced drunkerds perfers beer because of pleased trickle.
I are not permitted to sell it to them thirsts at Strunsky saloon,
because I are not sufficiently intelligent; so I must rubb glaswares &
mop to floor, also become attentive to Hon. Phonograf which require 68
wind-up with squeek about “Old Contucky Home” which please G. W. McCann,
prominent Drunk, till he weep because it sound human. I am seriously
worked to keep this job; and yet I am entirely educational about all
intoxicants when doing so.
“There is some good salooners and some bad,” say letter-writer to
newspaper. I have sneeked farly & wide with gum-slippers, but am disabled
to find such a bad salooner. Whenever I speek uply to a salooner for
question, “Are you such a bad salooner?” he answer for reply, “Ah, no! I
are an entirely good kind.”
“Ain’t they no such things as Bad Salooners?” I ask Hon. Strunsky for
queery.
“They _are_ some such,” he say for chased expression, “but they are
horbly difficult to discover.”
Hon. Strunsky are a very nice variety of Good Salooner. He acknowledj it
himself. G. W. McCann say Hon. Strunsky have a heart like a watermelon.
I noticed it. It are large, but often deliciously iced. He are a sweet &
liberal man to all persons what got sufficient cash-money to pay for it.
When the poor calls to the bar of Strunsky for loan of money he seldom
turn them off with empty grouch. The safe of Hon. Strunsky is full of
watches, stuck-pins, repaired clothing, deed of house & lott, and other
hardware what the poor has left as security. Them sweet salooner will
never turn deaf eye to want & misery as long as want & misery will leave
month’s wages at Hon. Bar. A kindy man are Hon. Strunsky.
This benefacting gentleman believe in keeping his saloon clean & full of
home influences. He don’t not believe in no rye-bald scenes of debutchery
around place. So when a coal-chuck become entire paralysis there, Hon.
Strunsky remove remainder of wage from pockets of them unforchnate man &
he are nex discovered in street. When U. S. marine sailor enjoy stab-cut
in this Strunsky home his remainder are dragged quietly to a alley full
of shadows so he will not die all over nice saw-dust floor.
Last Wednesday while Hon. Strunsky was elsewhere talking about it Hon.
G. W. McCann, prominent drunkerd, come-me sneekretly with Standard Oil
expression and request 1 free drink as a loving gift.
“Why you deserve such free gift?” is question for me.
“I are a large tank-line & therefore entitled to occasional rebates,” he
betray.
So I give him considerable goblet of and interview him for temperance
movement.
“Why do men drink alcohol?” are first question I make.
“Because they can not eat it,” are relapse for him.
“Do whisky-booz do harmful injry to interior when took in excess?” I
repent.
“Suppose so,” smack he, “59 successive tumblers are sufficient for a
strong man.”
“Are a moderate drunk good for persons?” next come out.
“O sure of!” he negotiate, “I can feel it doing so.”
“It are no true joy what leave a dark browny taste in morning,” I say for
David Star Jordan expression.
“It are no true joy in the morning, but it are a very fine imitation of
it the night before,” commute that sinny drunk.
“Hon. Horce, famous Roman writer, say-how whisky make poets sing,” is
arrival for me.
“Suppose he are right,” say Hon. McCann. “I have often enjoyed singing in
ears by early morning.”
I make note of this phenomenal.
“All saloons looks alike to me,” regret Hon. Drunk.
“So sad to hear!” I rake out. “Saloons is entirely different in
appearance. Some is red, some pink, some plate-glassed by door to look
like National-Bank—how you no tell difference?”
“We cross the bar at different places,” he report, “but we all come out
in the same boat.”
“You regret downly path you took?” I ask it.
“I got no regret, thank you,” he reject. “With another drink I could beat
the world.”
So he go home and beat his wife, as usual.
* * * * *
In night-time I burst soda-syfen to mirror of Strunsky saloon, so I
decide to be a temperance Japanese & resign before discovery & kick. So I
go back to my bedstead at Patriots of Japan Board & Lodging where I find
O-Fido who make joy-signal to me by snubbed tail. He are merely a doggly
pup who ain’t got no soul to skare with Demon Rums, etc. He ain’t go no
ambition & are fond of milk. He imagine Hashimura Togo are Emperor of
Japan, I suppose. I permit him to be decieved.
I remove off my shoes for comfert & took down book of Rubbert Burn,
famous Scotch, for read it. I study them soft musick about “Flow gentle,
sweet Afton”—and then I think how people say-so that he were most
greatest Poet when most drunk. Maybe-so he were; but I never seen no
drunks act that way around saloon of Hon. Strunsky.
When—of suddenly—come rap-tap at door. And inwards arrive Bunkio Saguchi,
fly-away Japanese, with jaggly expression of one who has.
“I wish to give banzai to entire human race to include Nick, Zar of
Russia, who are merely a mistake,” gollup Bunkio. “I wish to telegraf
happy greet to all politicians in & out of office to include Col. Guffey,
who——”
He make set-down to floor because he think it was a chair.
“You are in a toxic condition,” I dib frownly.
“Many persons are most intelligent when so,” he motter.
“Many persons are least so,” I flap back.
“General Grant, great leader, enjoyed spells of drunk,” say Bunkio for
argument.
“Alexander the Great enjoyed allepeptick fits,” I smoke up, “yet every
person what takes a spasm cannot conker new worlds.”
“Many a battles has been won by gin-wine,” rasp that jaggly boy.
“Battle of Mukden were not,” I dib. “In them battle Japanese was
full of banzai, Russians was full of vodka. To-morrow when you are
calm some brite Japanese Schoolboy will told you who won them famous
target-practice.”
I put him in my bedstead & tock under covers for wet towel on brow.
Soonly he enjoy tear-drop of eye & say he was cris-crossed in love; then
he make good-night for eye-brows.
Me & O-Fido go take walk & forget such scenery. At Oisoya Hotel, Pine St.
near Kerney, I see several Japanese Schoolboys doing a conversation.
“To-night I are a Aunty Saloon Leg,” I say-it by virtuous chest. “But
to-morrow I may feel better & enjoy slight beer ceremony.”
“Would America be more better without no saloons?” require Uncle Nichi
who was there.
“Perhapsly,” I snuggest. “Hon. Rev. Chillworthy say, ‘If there was no
Drunks there wouldn’t be no Murders.’”
“Occasional Murders makes life briter,” reflact Cousin Nogi.
“If there was no saloons there would be no crime,” say Arthur Kickahajama.
“There would also be no fun,” say Sydney Katsu, jr.
“There would be no poverty,” say Frank the Japanned Boot-polish.
“There would be no trusts,” say I. Anazuma.
“There would be no enthusiasm,” say Sago Jokai.
“There would be no insane asylums,” say Albert Sudekachi.
“There would be no Poets,” say Hashimura Togo.
If the saloon must go, Mr. Editor, see that it are put away in some
convenient place. I ask it.
Yours truly,
HASHIMURA TOGO.
[Illustration: “‘O, sweethearted Mrs. Madam, I enjoy a brainache this
morning, thank you’”]
XXXIV
ELECTION DAY
SAN FRANCISCO, November 1st.
_To Editor New York Newspaper who have been frequently
nominated to be President by loving Japanese subscribers; but
he must refuse such jobs, thank you, because too busy with
ink-pen—and he would rather write than be President._
HON. MR. SIR—Election Day are now within short gasp of here & all
Japanese Schoolboys of my acquaintanceship are running back and forthly.
Symptoms of tense patriotism for them. I. Anazuma, Japanese barber,
have pasted in window-pain of his shave store 2 portraits of fat &
famous Americans. On one portrait he have wrote following description in
Japanese:
HON. WM. JENNY BRYAN
_He Will Deliver the Nation out of Peril_
On other fat portrait he have wrote:
HON. WM. H. TAFT
_He Will Deliver the Goods out of Kindness_
I were a-standing by sidewalk making eye-glances at them 2 sweet
portraits & choosing which to vote for (if Yellow Peril could do so,
thank you) when uply come Arthur Kickahajama with sad-dogged expression
of dizzy heart.
“Hashimura Togo,” he unpack, “why you gaz at them 2 Presidents with
rapture of ears?”
“Soon one will be elected,” I apply, “& then troubles of this Kingdom
will be all over.”
“Over!!” dib Arthur Kickahajama for shreech. “Over!!!” He make thrills of
knuckles which are sure symbol of allepeptick fits.
Then he drag from interior pocket of coat some rippings from
newspaper-press which he read me with hearse voice. From _Daily Hoot_,
violently conservative Republican paper, he read as following:
“‘If Bryan are elected ruin will be enjoyed everywheres. Heaven
are expected to fall any minute. Corn will refuse to grow in
Kansas & National Guard will be called out to make it do so. In
South niggers will be darker & more lynched. Hens will neglect
to surrender their eggs. America will be considerably cursed.
Election of Hon. Bryan should be cause of great national
funeral.’”
“So glad to hear this in time,” I riggle. “Therefore I shall vote for
Hon. Taft if I could.”
Arthur for glum read following editorial from _Daily Riot_, seriously
Democratick hand-organ:
“‘If Taft are elected America will quit. Common People will
be scrunched by drowntroddery. Truth will also receive
hourly chops by ax. Kings will appear everywheres riding in
automobiles. Daily excursions to Siberia will be enjoyed by
masses. Groans. Right of free speeches will be denied to Henry
Watterson & bloodshed must therefore ensue. Patriots will grunt
with deranged hair. Election of Hon. Taft should be cause of
great national mourning,’”
“So sad!” say Arthur, “America must therefore go to complete doggly
smitthrine on date of Nov. 3.”
“Are they no way to escape this?” I alarm with face.
“Only one,” commute Arthur. “Perhapsly Bluejean V. Debs might be elected
by mistake.”
* * * * *
Mr. Editor, I go way from Arthur full of damp thoughts about Election
Day. I go to grassy yard of Mrs. Lusy Macdonald, 286 pounds complete
gentleness, and there I work my job assisting shrubbage to grow for $1.25
weekly payment. My dog O-Fido company me there & are entirely useless, as
usual. While I are to work soothing her lawn with rakes I are continually
thinking for selfish brain: “If I merely had 1 day lie-off from work I
might do something to save America.” So I wish I could & O-Fido agree
with snubbed tail.
Soonly come Mrs. Lusy Macdonald in dainty pink rapper which look like 3
queens. Angelick expressions for her.
“Togo,” she say-it, “have you got a ill to look so languish?”
“O! sweethearted Mrs. Madam, I enjoy a brainache this morning, thank
you,” are complain from me. “Could I not obtain a lie-off from Work,
thanks so much, please?”
“Why so you require such a lie-off?” are burst from her.
“With sufficient leisure I might save America,” I mention.
“Such worthy thought!” she relish. “Therefore you are permitted 1 day
lie-off from rakish labours on lawn.”
I make back-away with humbel bows. O-Fido do somewhat simlar. When we
arrive to gate-post Mrs. Lusy Macdonald exclaim for sweetness: