love of truth & justis. Hope so he did! But when Hon. Hearst do things
for love of truth & justis I enjoy suspicious feeling of elbow. I am
reminded of a mustylogical legend of antique Japan.
Ten thousand entire years before Hon. Darwin discovered monkeys in
England there reside in Kyoto a politician name Suki-ho who run for
Supervisor on Democratick ticket & was beat by a nother politician name
Yen-Yen. When this result was happened Hon. Suki-ho enjoy such angry
rages he turn entirely blue & blow smoke through ears. Oftenly he motter,
“I make a lay-to for this Yen-Yen.”
One day when it was serious heat of July Hon. Suki-ho meet a entirely mad
dog & enjoy being bit on ankle.
“O banzai of joy!” decry this patient. “I soonly shall develop a rabbi.
Then I shall bite my dog O-Fido so he will get it.”
“Why you wish bite O-Fido?” require all neighbour for shocky voice. “You
got grouches for them nice pet?”
“O-Fido are sweet companion,” arnicate that Suki-ho, “but I shall
deelight to see him bite pet dog of Hon. Yen-Yen with a wild germ.”
“You got gruj for them lap-dog of Hon. Yen-Yen?” they ask it.
“Not by no means,” erupt Hon. Suki-ho, “but if I bite O-Fido & O-Fido
bite lap-dog of Yen-Yen, then lap-dog will bite Yen-Yen—and _he_ are the
sinful crawfishing malefactor I are anxious to get equal with.”
* * * * *
Mr. Editor, they was not no Pastor Institute in them days, so Hon.
Suki-ho were hit in skull with pick-ax before he could snarl at O-Fido.
And it were too bad, because Hon. Yen-Yen’s dog were a pretty predatory
canan.
* * * * *
Mr. Editor, what-say Hon. Matt Luther in Germany some bye-gones since? He
say, “Be true to your trust and you will get reward in Heaven.” Numberous
American patriots has make hark-up to them words of Hon. Luther & been
very useful to both Parties. But they got their rewards in several kinds
of elsewhere. Hon. Haskle was true to his trust & got his reward in
Oklahoma. Hon. Forker was true to his trust and got his reward in bank
deposits. Both are good ways to know.
Them two extinguished statesmen are alike to Matt Luther in another way.
Hon. Luther enjoyed a Diet of Worms. Hon. Haskle & Hon. Forker are now
enjoying a Diet of Wormwood and feeling considerable gall about it. And
Hon. Roosevelt are having more fun than he can shake a Stick at.
Hoping you are the same,
Yours truly,
HASHIMURA TOGO.
_SPIRAL SONG OF AMERICAN CLAW-BIRD_
O screaming!
Last night when it was entirely p. m. by larm clock (kindness loan of
Cousin Nogi)
An American claw-bird
Made perching on my dream
And skreech!
I enjoy a very swift night-horse.
I dream them claw-bird
Approach to me with yellow envelope
Of deliciously oiled appearance.
I ope it for rapture,
Then wisht I hadn’t.
For inside were a note which say
“My dear Senator—
“Please find enclosed check for $30,000 which ain’t here but are on
deposit in second pawnshop around corner. Make eye-wink signal to
clerk and see what happen. We received that pipe-line you sent us
from Washington. Awful thanks. Send another.
“Yours for business
“Jno. D. Archybold.
“S. P.—Mr. Hearst have already got a copy of this letter, so you can
destroy.”
I read them dreamy letter
With laughing soul—
I are famous already!
How proud my Ancestors and their folks will be to know that Hashimura
Togo, ambitious boy, have stole $30,000 and done so honestly!
I put on derby,
I put on gum-slippers
And make sneek-walk to second pawnshop around corner—
But alast!
When I got there it were closed.
I knock-knock—
I hear noise like a mystery behind door-knob,
“Who there?”
“Friend from Oklahoma!” I dib deceptively.
When low!
Door burst outly
And earnest gentleman
With expression of eternal vigilance committee
And Big Club by brite spektacles and teeth
Rush out for hit.
“Haskle!” say he,
“Rascal!” say-me.
“Then you are him!” say angry Vision making dents in my thoughtful
brain.
“No, I are another Haskle,” I choke off—
“I are Jim Haskle,
A far distant cousin,
Or something else.”
“Ha-ho!” laugh them Vengeance,
“Then please to told me——”
But I are saved such humility
By being kicked out of bed
By Sydney Katsu, Jr.,
My share-bunk.
O praise to Heaven,
Praise to Ancestors,
Praise to Sydney Katsu, Jr.,
I have rather be kicked
Out of 1,000 bunks
By a Friendly Foot
Than out of 1 Democratick Party
By a Independence Leg.
XXX
THE HON. BOMB
SAN FRANCISCO, October 14th.
_To Editor New York Newspaper, who is there, I suppose._
DEAR SIR—“Hon. Russia have no Constitution,” say Cousin Nogi from
newspaper. “She require to get one with considerable quick.”
“Of what use is Hon. Constitution to got it?” I enquire for answer.
“It is good thing to follow flags,” dictate Nogi who presume so.
“Constitution would have had delicious job following Russian flag in
Manchuria,” I collapse with Port Arthur eye-wink.
“Hon. Russia expect to obtain freedom in soon space of time,” simplify
this Nogi.
“How she expects to got them freedom?” I ask to know.
“By bombs & bombast,” agitate Nogi.
“Do Hon. Bombs get freedom for persons?” I exemplify.
“Of sure it do!” say Nogi. “If one Revolutional gentleman make step-up
to me with hand-clasp full of lit bombs and decry, ‘Give me freedom for
Hon. Russia before I excite this dynamite!’ what I reply to them speek? I
reply, ‘To be certainly, Mr. Murder. Took all the freedom you require for
Hon. Russia and do not worry about returning it.’”
“You are ashamed!” I snub for scorn. “Japanese samurai should not enjoy
fear of explosions.”
“I ain’t not afraid of explosions,” he-say. “I am merely modest about
loud noises.”
Nogi would make very neat Czar for Russia.
Of recently, Mr. Editor, I hear one Hon. Anarchist speek about them
Revolution which is being postponed in Russia. This gentleman is very
courageous with whiskers which he wear in all directions. He say
following statistick about Hon. Bomb:
“Something are wrong about them Hon. Bombs made in St. Petersburg. They
don’t never explode when requested to do so. Hon. Bombs made in Japan is
more better for assassinations, because they is very faithful about going
off.” This from Hon. Anarchist.
Them truth about Hon. Bombs, Mr. Editor, is difference between
all-every-thing did by Russia & Japan. Japanese persons make war; it go
off, thank you. Russian persons make war; it sizzle out by oratory. Hon.
Bomb of Japan is very energetick & dutiful; Hon. Bomb of Russia is full
of free-love policies, vodka, Gorky, shoe-buttons & face-powder. When
requested to go off it hesitate with insulting splutters, make deceptive
pretence of going to sleep; and when, of finally, it _do_ explode, it
enjoy that eruption in vest-pocket of Hon. Nihilinsky, who is waiting on
steps of Sts. Peter & Paul to salute Little Father.
Russian Revolution is entirely like that way. Nothing Russian goes off
on time. Even their boots is difficult to remove promptly and with their
hair it is impossible to do so. Some wise Revolutionals say, “What Russia
need is one good program.” So fudge to think! Genius of Russia people is
all-time making delicious programs which is forgotten, thank you, before
Hon. Duma gets a chance to talk about something else. Russia has greatest
statesmen and poorest politicians of all-world.
When Russian Revolutional leader gets took with a dream he say, “Ah! I
have got a Program!” Immediate sensation enjoyed among Red Wing of Holy
Terror Synod.
“What to do with?” require Hon. Snortsky, Radical Leader from
Dynamitovitch Province.
“To read it,” say Hon. Leader. So he fold out following Program which he
read with considerable elocution:
1—10.30 P.M. to-night Russian people will meet at Smithsky’s
Vodka Parlours and declare themselves free of the yoke of
Ramanoff.
2—11.30 they will go sneekretly with brass band to grocery
store of Samsky Jonesoff and sign Declaration of Independence.
3—12.30 they will stand together and give pass-key word of
Revolution “Potempotemptomjinvery,” which will be sign for
up-rise of peasants in Baltick Province.
4—1.30 they will go to bed, setting infernal machines for 8.29,
when get-up will ensue.
5—9.30 all common people of Russia will go to Nevsky Prospeckt,
where Hon. Czar & bullet-proof procession will make pass-by
going to Peace Conference at Hague. Hon. Czar, wife & family,
Grand Duke Splurgius, Grand Duchess Nazimova and all other
persons with such names will enjoy blow-up with infernal
machines.
6—Russia will then become Constitutional Republick with plans
furnished by Bluejean V. Debs.
This delicious Program are given to Russian people who, with fanatick
enthusiasm, carry it out as following:
1—10.30 P.M. enormous number of Revolutionals meets at
Smithsky’s Vodka Parlours. Speeches, vodka & debate. All
infernal machines cleaned & repaired. Debate, vodka & speeches.
Famous Liberal Leaders made welcome. Vodka & debate. Red Wing
of Holy Terror do some very serious politicks. Vodka.
2—11.30 they all forget to go to grocery store of Samsky
Jonesoff where Declaration of Independence is waiting to be
signed.
3—12.30 they forget how to pronounce “Potempotemptomjinvery,”
so they don’t.
4—1.30 they forget to go to bed.
5—9.30 they forget to go to Nevsky Prospeckt and Czar forgets
to go by in procession to Hague.
Sometime, Mr. Editor, this Program are one trifle more fortunate.
Sometime 12 or 13 of common people of Russia remember to go to Nevsky
Prospeckt at 9.30, carrying mottoes, flags, infernal machinery & other
patriotick devices. Pretty soonly along come Little Father in bomb-proof
carriage.
“Gen. Creepoff,” he say to Chief of Police, “what are all them tick-tock
sounds I hear like busy day in Waterbury Watch factory?”
“Them,” say Gen. Creepoff, “are infernal machinery of Russian people
waiting to give your Majesty God-speed.”
“What time is them machinery set for?” say Majesty rubbing pale nerves at
elbow.
“For 9.30 A. M., Hon. Sire,” say Gen.
“Drive onwards, Hon. Coachman,” say Little Father with smiling
expression. “Them infernal machinery will not go off before 1.30, because
every clock in St. Petersburg is 4 hours slow!”
And so it do happen. Them patent exploders lay in gutter waiting with
loud clock-work noise till afternoon-time. They don’t see no aristocracy
worth blowing up, so they don’t. But with immediate promptness at 1.30 P.
M. all them machine make smash-off and kill parade of Cigar Makers’ Union
out on strike.
* * * * *
Mr. Editor, one gentleman of New York, of recently, throw bomb to Hon.
Police who afterward pick him together from fence & trees. He was
Nihilist gentleman who was practising. Bombs is more noisy than pianos
when practised on, but they has less endurance. When Hon. Police with
club enquire of them Hon. Nihilist, “Why did you done them explosion with
Hon. Bomb?” he make reply for answer, “Because-so I am disagreeable about
your politicks.”
Bombs is very wrong things to have around when you are disagreeable
about anything. I ask to know; what would be result if all persons done
that for argument? I am disagreeable about W. Furo who come around with
Italian garlick in his voice. Must I bomb him for it? I am offended by
Hon. Strunsky, Irish gentleman who keeps saloon. Shall I make bang-up of
him because of? Must I explode all labour unions, Democrats, Christians
and troubles of life, including Cousin Nogi, who is secretive about
my refined shirt he borrow for Sunday next? Ah no! Dynamite are too
expensive to be so generous with.
I am regretful, Mr. Editor, to see them foreign species of explosions
being brought over to this kingdom of America where murder has always
been very simple & democratick. It are nassuating to Japanese Boy to see
them Baltick propoganders dropping deathly fireworks into Union Square,
N. Y. It is one sneeky trick. How much more honest and straight-fronted
are it to see one Southern Congressman shoot negro vote in street-car
of Washington! Black Handed Association of Italian secret knife-stick
are very doggish case of lowdown deprave; but Night Riding Association
of American lynchers is considered very necessary band of patriotick
terrors. When Black Handers shoot Italian banker it is call “imported
crime;” when Night Riders shoot Southern farmer it is call “American
custom.” There are great difference between them acts, but both are good
ways to know.
There is some philanthropists what goes around Hon. World bombing kings,
emperors, etc., whenever one is met.
“Why you explode them kings & emperors?” I enquire to know of one Hon.
Asassin I meet at sidewalk.
“Because-so,” say Hon. Asassin, “by sufficient bombing, shoot-gun &
poison of soup I expect to rid Hon. World of its entire rulers.”
“Such childhood thought!” I decline. “When you kill Hon. Emperor, what
happen? There is still Hon. President. When you kill Hon. President,
how yet? There is still Hon. Sec. of State. Him asassinated, then there
remain House of Representators, which might be blew up, but Governors
of all States must be also exploded, to remove rulers. Then which?
Then there is Mayors of towns to gunpowder, then political Boss of
each election district. When them is erupted Hon. Aldermans must enjoy
gunshot wound. They are dead. What next? Then city hall employees, street
cleaning department, board of healthful & all clerks of city treasury.
All buried with funerals. Oh my! We have forgot to dynamite Hon. Police
Department. _That_ are a job for considerable chemicals, but it can be
done by patient bombing. Pretty soonly nothing of Hon. Police but smoke
& occasional brass buttons as souvenirs. What then? Each grown man with
American moustache arise to wife and say, ‘I am ruler of this homested!’
Bang for him! Pretty good job of explosion. After this, basso voice of
mans is very hard to hear. No gentlemans left in Hon. World except small
collection of Hon. Anarchists which is all running for President on
Independent ticket.”
“And what must ensue then?” aggrope Hon. Anarchist with bomb.
“Then,” I snuggest, “country must select ruler. Nothing to do but to
elect one Anarchist, which do not believe in rulers. Therefore Anarchists
boom bomb to each other till all are minus by decease.”
“Banzai!” say Anarchist. “When all are thus dead there will be nobody
remaining to be rulers! Such ideal affairs!!”
“Such is wrong statistick,” I say. “When men is all dead, then will be
fine politicks for Suffergettes.”
Hon. Anarchist hear this and disjoint himself with groans. When person
sets out to explode all Rulers in this Hon. World we have got too large
Fourth of July for Powder Trust to handle.
Hoping you will be in time for red flag before blow-off,
Yours truly,
HASHIMURA TOGO.
S. P.—I know it! Last night by street-corner Anarchist oratory say-so
“soil of Russia is wet with tear-drops of walked-over peasantry.” Maybe
that is trouble with Russian bombs.
H. T.
XXXI
ENJOYMENT OF HUNGER AMONG POOR MANS
SAN FRANCISCO, October 18th.
_To my friendship companion, Editor New York newspaper, which
is a very warm thing._
DEAR MR.—When Hon. Taft make Presedential Speech to idle labouring
classes in N. Y. of recently, one Hungry Man in audience send up
following question to know:
_“How can I get job and food when I have not got it?”_
Hon. Taft, which had been answering with prompt delivery such fearful
difficult questions like “How to shut up the Tariff?” “What was dying
speech of Ralph Waldo Emerson?” “Was Hamlet insane?” etc., make moment of
solum hesitation before large simplicity of that Hungry Man question,
_“How can I get job & food when I have not got it?”_
For sixty-four seconds of clock-time he pause wiping dew-drop from neck,
then, standing seriously with elbows in pockets, he make following famous
reply,
“God knows!”
Mr. Editor, I don’t not believe that Hon. Taft referred that reply to
higher authority because of ignorance inside of brain. Hon. Taft is kind
& wise Judge of considerable practice—then why he not able to answer
in 64 seconds that Question what labouring classes have been enquiring
to know in North Dakota, South Dakota, Europe, Asia & Africa for 64
centuries? How can he be very nice President for these U. S. if not?
May be-so Hon. Taft will give some serious brain-thought to this
problem before nomination-day. If he is too busy with himself to do it,
Japanese Boy will told him how to find out. Go, please at once and read
editorial-page of Hon. Hearst, where all Great Questions, including
marriage, socialism, underwear, care of teeth, religion, horse-racing,
etc., is answered to delicious satisfaction of all persons who read
nothing else. Hon. Taft would not say “God only knows!” after such
instructive course of reading.
* * * * *
But in the meanwhile, what have happen to that Hungry Man? If he is
still waiting for meal-time he must be enjoying considerable Social
Unrest, because Hunger and Social Unrest are very affectionate chumbs.
Hon. Wilshire have heard of this Hungry Man question “How to get food
when not got it?” and Hon. Wilshire answer with considerable speed, “By
changing the Existing Order of Things.” That is very intelligible reply,
but I ask to know: Can that Hungry Man wait for lunch while Hon. Wilshire
changes Existing Order of Things?
There is considerable conversation to be heard about changing Existing
Order of Things. Maybe so it can be. But some kind gentleman what would
change Existing Disorder of Things would receive more solid Japanese Vote.
I. Anazuma, Japanese barber of Taft enthusiasm, deploy, “Hungry Man can
enquire of Charity for it.”
I make considerable banzai with laugh.
“Faith, Hope & Charity is celebrated triplets for sculptors to make,” I
allude. “Persons must have elaborate amounts of Faith & Hope to obtain
some Charity out of them organizations of it.”
“How deserving must poor be to obtain groceries for it?” ask this Anazuma.
So I tell this Japanese barber following yarn-tale of charity while he
was putting hair-cut on my head:
Hon. Oscar Casey, dough-baker for wages, suddenly become unemployed by
no job. He would be delighted to make bread somewhere, but he is not
required there, thank you. So he soonly begin enjoying hunger & faint
symptoms of esophagus. He make street-walk to see what. In midst of
promenading he observe one intensely beautiful sky-scrape palace with
sign on it
“ORGANIZED MAGNATE CHARITY CO.”
“Oh ha!” say Hon. Casey for blissful ankles. “I will apply myself to this
charitable place and require some of it.”
In Italian marble hallway Elevator Man meet him to enquire,
“Name, if convenient!”
“I am name Hon. Oscar Casey, formerly skillful at dough-baking.”
“This is very wrong doorway for bakers,” collapse Elevator Man. “Apply to
trademan entrance.”
So down to trademan entrance this Hon. Casey go, where he is collided by
Hon. Janitor.
“What suffering from?” declaim this Hon. Janitor.
“I am enjoying hunger,” signify this Hon. Casey.
“What degree of hunger?” he inquire to know.
“Thirty-third degree, please,” pacify Casey who is sure of it.
“Have you one Doctor’s Certificate to prove such a conditional appetite?”
decry Hon. Janitor.
“I have neglected to get!” profess this Casey.
“Then go get!” say Janitor. “Come back next Wednesday-noon with doctoring
Certificate to prove you are habitually hungry; also deliver references
from 3 clubs and 2 banks to prove that you are financially responsible.”
* * * * *
Saying-so thus Janitor make slam-door.
Hon. Casey exist, maybe, on Faith & Hope waiting for Charity to arrive by
Wednesday-noon. That day he apply again to Janitor of Organized Magnate
Charity.
“Have you brung them certificate?” demand that stern office.
“No, not to do, because I feel foolish to,” say Hon. Casey.
“If you feel so foolish,” say Hon. Janitor, “apply for ade to Home for
Feebly Minded.” So to Feebly Minded Residence elope that hopeful Casey.
“What required, please?” say lady matron of that weak-thinking place.
“Something to eat it!” demand Hon. Casey. Matron of soft-memory
headquarters look very severe with face.
“Why did you not require at Organized Magnate Charity Co. for it?”
“I done so, please,” say Casey.
“And what of?” collapse Hon. Matron.
“They treat me like dog!” say him.
“Quite well,” deploy Hon. Madam. “Then you should apply to Society for
Prevention of Cruelty to Animals for helping aid.”
Hon. Casey limp to Animal Cruelty place, but is kept outside with other
sickly dogs while fashionable millinary inside listens to lecture on
“Crimes of Vivisection.”
What, then, can Casey do for luncheon which is becoming impatient? Where
he go to obtain job of situation? When man ask for work in Pennsylvania
they say, “Go to California.” When he inquire for employment in
California they decry, “Go to Arizona.” When he report for job in Arizona
they proclaim, “Go to Blazes!” But by this time he no can do, because
car-fare is too exhausted to continue travelling.
Hungry Man desiring to become criminal might burst in some bank—but what
would he find if he did?
* * * * *
I am a schoolfriend of Frank the Japanned Bootpolish, who is a very
thoughtful caretaker for shines on all feet with no extra charge
for tan & Russian leather. His name, which is pronounce “Frank” in
America-language, is called Kurumazitsu Ubunodzuruma in Japanese-talk.
Nearly every _u_ in this name is pronounced silently, please, which make
a very delicious noise for all Japanese to hear. But America-mans cannot
neglect business to finish such words: therefore they say “Frank,” which
is good short-order name for Christians to use.
This Frank, who is studying to be a Anarchist, come to me yesterday to
use my room-rent.
“One million mans is now idly looking for work,” he-say.
“In what city?” I require to examine. He is hesitated by confusion.
“I am neglectful to enquiry,” he profess. “Maybe it was in New York or
Chicago. It is difficult to suspect Syracuse or Toledo of so much idle
population.”
“Figures is habitually truthful,” I suffocate in kind voice. “Therefore
it is important to discover how to obtain jobs of employment for them
1,000,000 mans.”
“Some 150,000 of them persons belongs to idly wealthy classes,” renig
this Frank. “It would be insulting to offer them jobs of employment.”
“I am relieved to hear,” I report. “It is our duty, then, to find work
for merely 850,000 human persons who are not now doing so.”
“This is not hard problemb for 2 bright Japanese Boys to answer,”
promote that Hon. Frank sharpening pencil.
So with immediate quickness we find employment for them 850,000 workers
by following statistick:
100,000 is to have jobs on Police Force which is never sufficiently
enough.
250,000 is to be joined to Stand-up Army which Gen. Hobson requires
to fight Japan or any other friendly Power.
75,000 to be kerosene-sprinkles & encourage mosquitos to
race-suicide.
100,000 to be Bill-collectors & take fines away from Quelled
Corporations.
50,000 circus-riders to join Roosevelt’s Rough Officers’ Class.
-------
575,000 for sum-total who we have got jobs for.
That leaved 275,000 still looking for work which Frank refused to find
for them because he was enjoying considerable head-ache. We might have
did some kindness of act for them, but could we? If Hon. Taft, when asked
“How shall able-body worker get it?” must reply for answer “God knows!”
is not Japanese Boys excusable for forgetting a few thousand?
Them 275,000 workers might do digging operations on Panama Canal, but
would they? Climbate is too much miasma down so low in the map. Hon.
Frank the Japanned Bootpolish say-how that Hon. Roosevelt might move
Panama Canal to New Jersey where climbate is more callabrious. This is a
very brilliant plan for Congress to ignore.
If them million mans is idly unemployed is it fault of America because?
Many American patriots who says these U. S. have very wicked government
are persons which comes from Baltic provinces of Russia where common
people is not wonderfully successful about governing therselves. Can
Pres. Roosevelt obtain cheerful advice from them persons which is only
happy when enjoying misery?