heard in America from both ends? Howeling of savages who enjoyed it. What
is heard by to-day time? Considerable more howeling, thank you; but it is
being did over Columbus, Mr. Editor, Hon. New York _Journal_ telephone.
Before discovery of Manhattan by was embarrassed for awfully little
quantities of scientifick interest to print. By present time of date
Hon. Reporter for them _Journal_ are heartsick to keep 100 years ahead
of feetsteps of Science for Sunday edition. Such is vast straddel of
Modern Education. If all them Scientifick Fact I read about is truthful,
then this world of which we live are getting along too fastly to be
good-healthy. If it keep on going at thus rate some day Chicago will
explode & be off map.
Science, Mr. Editor, am a very benefital thing when took in
moderate doses. It keep Professors from going to Congress, it make
murder-by-machinery very pleasant and give Naval Construction Board
chanst to insult itself. Yet do Science of such quantity compel persons
to be more happier in sweetheart surroundings of home-life? Simple
candlelight of our New English ansisters beampt on happy glow-faces of
dear family gathered at table-cloth to eat local bean off cob. Do Newport
Father & Mother of present to-day felt more entranced setting below 100
horsepower chandelier awaiting, O so vainly, for their female daughter
to elope with some Duke of foreign arrival? To disappointed heart, Mr.
Editor, Science can’t do nothing despite of electrick fans, all-night
elevator and 5-day Cunard to Liverpool. Electrick fans are impossible to
drive away Hon. Care, all-night elevator can’t not lift a sorry man out
of himself and it ain’t no use to go Liverpool in one 5-days boat if Hon.
Trouble have got there first.
In newspaper-press I see about one Professor of Oklahoma University which
discover a very surprised Science. He have found how to do it to abolish
Old Age by electricity. Following is recipe to do it at home:
1—Choose one ripe old man enjoying decline of years.
2—Take him in very dark room and soak him 24 hours in bath of
sulphurick acid.
3—Rub to delicious dryness, simmer him over oil stove & expose
to sunstroke, 20 minutes.
4—He is then ready to abolish by electricity. Do this by
fastening storage battery to base of brain and increasing dose
till 105 centigrades is enjoyed.
5—Old man ought to be pretty active by this space of time. If
not he is too spoiled. Try another one.
I am excitable about this recipe, Mr. Editor, because I got one
Grandfather residing in Yeddo who is now 97 old and will not keep very
longer in that climbate. If I arrive back to dear Japan before he pass
off I shall do friendship duty to abolish Grandfather by electricity.
* * * * *
In newspaper press I discover about Sir Olive Lodge, nearly related
to Senator Lodge from Boston. Hon. Sir Lodge say-how that disembowled
spirits of departed dead-ones is frequently discovered by Science. By
evening time, say Hon. Sir Lodge, when intelligent person is setting
alone to unrobe by bureau he must be sensitive about knocking. You hear
_bump-bump_ on high wall-paper of bedroom? That are not cause by Hon.
Johnson, boarder upstairs, dropping shoes to carpet. My nervus sakes!
What is? _Thump-thump!_ It is wireless Ghost from Away Off trying to act
interesting.
“What require?” you must ask to know from Hon. Ghost.
“I am Napoleon Bonaparte,” say Hon. Ghost by signal-practise. “I require
to leave message for Cousin Charley at Washington.”
“What to say to this Hon. Charley?” you dictate for answer.
“Don’t be too dam fierce about Predatory Richness,” say Napoleon
Bonaparte to Charley Bonaparte. “Remember us Corsican family got ours by
tooking it.”
He is going to say-so some more, but is shut off by Central for them
profane swear he said it.
Hon. Edison say-so he is going to make one invention of Spiritualistick
Telephone so Americans can talk with dead persons more conveniently. This
will be nice subjeck to improve. By present method when persons wishes
to correspond with Ghosts, etc., they must go to Medium who require 50c
to throw herself into trances and connect you with wrong parties. But
when them Spiritualistick Telephones is invent them conversations with
graveyards may be got for price 10c sum. On them happy time Japanese Boy
can go to any telephone booth and require of lady Operette.
“Hello, thank you! Give me to telephone 3604 Spiritland, please! Yes
sir! Hello-it—is Hon. Wm. Shakespeare residing there to talk? Thank you
again! Is them you, Mr. Shakespeare? One question to reply for Japanese
Boy, please. Who wrote them trajick of Julius Cæsar? Hon. Bernard
Shaw?—No?—He improve it, you say? Oh, them ain’t no news! Hon. Shaw know
that already. One more reply, please—hello—get from off the wire, please,
Mr. Thackeray!—”
I am sincerely to hope that persons will get more better telephone
service between Here and Hereafter than between San Francisco and Oakland.
An eminent surgery of Columbus University have invent new species of
laughter-gas call “electrick sleep.” Both tooth & appendix might be
pulled by this Science, Sydney Katsu, Jr., tell me. Hon. Patience will
be in bed dreaming of something different while everything is removed.
Electrick shock is applied to loeb of brain to create calm which is
followed by whatever knifing is necessary to create a good-healthy.
Absent treatment may be gave by connecting victim to telegraf wire.
Hon. Prof. Monsterburg have devise one crafty Machine which can
discover prevaricus Liars by clock-work. This Hon. Machine are called a
Ananiascope. The apperatux is glued to mouth of one poor malefactor what
is telling his testimonial to Hon. Judge. While that poor malefactor say
truth Hon. Machine remain very polite about it; but when he say lie,
then Hon. Machine is so shocked that it ring one alarm clock & that
poor malefactor enjoy lock-away in jail. Hon. Machine have not yet been
experimented on mouths of rich malefactors. Some says it will be took to
White House soonly. Some says it will not be necessary there.
One machinery of name called “gyroscope” is very immediately to
revolutionize in circles. This wonderful whirler can be put on any
railroad train, and beholt! with immediate quickness them train proceed
along on one wheel. Irish gentleman what invent that gyroscope promise
for it to do everything. It will abolish all crimes of railroad,
including accidents, collisions, rebating, lobbying & Pullman porters.
Hon. Harriman will be very fond of them gyroscope railroads, because they
will be run on one rail. Railroads with 1 rail can merely be fined ½ as
much by Interstate Commerce Commission.
This week, Mr. Editor, them mysterious problemb of Mechanical Flight
have been solved by Hons. Bell, Farman, Wright, Santos-Dumont & Ben
F. Tillman. Lighter-than-air baloons is no longer consider in vogy.
Hotter-than-air machines is now fashionable for flight. Hon. Bell make
sensationous flight of 8 seconds and travel 14 feet, breaking New Jersey
record & machine. Hon. Tillman stay up in air 2 hours 14 minutes and
travel from Panama Canal to Philippine Tariff, landing with considerable
jar on the Administration. This break Congressional record.
Famous Doctor of Switzerland have discry sure cure for cancer by
moonlight ray. If this do not discourage the finest cancer in 10 lessons
it can be used on tuberculosis with equal benefit of result. This is a
very positive remedy which have only been known to fail in cases where
persons has really got cancer.
* * * * *
Mr. Editor, them is but a few number of Scientifick renovations discover
by me in this morning press. I am not doubtful that I could found a
great number of more by looking in more yellow colour of news. Science
advances, Mr. Sir, according to speed of paper for which you subscribe to.
In age of Wm. Jennings Bryan there was one famous Frenchman, Hon. Jules
Verne, who write polobrious adventure-book about flying to moon on
cannon-ball, tripping from New York to Pekin by subway & annexation of
America to Africa by floating islands. In age of Roosevelt Hon. Verne
is consider one very truthful old gentleman, but too slow & quiet about
telling facts. Any Hon. Reporter on newspaper what can not discover more
exciting scientifick news for morning edition would be suppressed for
lack of talents & put to writing real-estate forecasts on back column.
Time of Medieval Superstition are pass-by, Mr. Editor, and I am
congratulate on it. Christians is very skeptic about believing that
Hon. World are schedule to come to end-up because of sins. But if extra
edition of _Morning Bagpipe_ should make red-tipe announcement:
!!WORLD TIPPING OVER!!
SIR ARTHUR WALLOP, NOTORIOUS SCIENTIST SAY, “EARTH IS
OVERLOADED ON EAST SIDE!”
INHABITANTS OF CHINA MUST MOVE BEFORE
AWFUL SPILL!
If I seen them headlights on paper, Mr. Editor, I would enjoy great
fright and spend 25c to get more later editions.
* * * * *
Mr. Editor, I did not noticed your signature among them 97 rulers of
America mentioned in statistick of Hon. La Folette. Maybe I subscribe to
wrong paper.
Yours truly,
HASHIMURA TOGO.
S. P.—Will Mr. Abruzzi be entitled by marriage to seat in U. S. Senate? I
am confused for reply.
H. T.
XXVIII
THE HON. MARS
SAN FRANCISCO, September 30th.
_To Editor New York Newspaper who make me to think of
astronomical subjecks._
DEAREST SIR—Considerable scientists has been making observations of Hon.
Planet Mars by very recent time; so I have also been doing so by use of
opera-glasses which I borrow secretively from Sydney Katsu, Jr., Japanese
dentistry. For time of several nights I have regarded this Star with
fixed eye for long moments together, but I have not enjoyed to discover
them famous Canals because I not could see them, thank you. And yet
perhaps this was no fault blame of Hon. Mars, but of them disgusting
Katsu glasses what are dimmed all over and enjoy breakage of right
eyelid. This must make very wrong astronomy.
However is, I am excited to wrote Popular Science about Hon. Mars because
any intelligent person can do so after turning eye-glasses to heaven.
Is Hon. Mars inhabited by people? is question for Japanese Boy. Even
if-so it is, why should Americans become excited about it? We know by
thoughtful knowledge that nearly all places is inhabited by something.
Are we not-so familiar with fact that Ireland is inhabited? No excitement
about that! Does we not know exactly that New Jersey is inhabited? No
excitement about that, except on Presidential year! Then why should Hon.
Mars receive all this free advertisement? I ask to know.
American scientist say, “In near adjoining future we shall make talk
with them Mars persons.” So foolish to try! We are acquaintanceship with
too many people already. Then why should we travel by telescopes trying
to make back-talk with stars? Maybe Americans will be peevishly careful
about associating with Mars persons when they see them. Maybe American
labour unions will send letter of protest to Emperor of Mars about
allowing them disgusting immigrants all over California. Maybe coolie
gentlemans from Mars will try get job of work in Vancouver cannery and
enjoy kick-out by race-riot. Oh! such delicious laugh for all Japanese
Boys!!
No, Mr. Editor, it is a very nervus task for these U. S. to encourage
foreign relations with stars, planets, islands and other heathens what
they do not know nothing about. America one time did open up Japan in
them careless manner and very soonly she have one Yellow Peril on
fingers. By same operation she open up Philippine Islands and immediately
Hon. Taft become embarrassed by enormous family of brown complexions. If
Hon. Roosevelt is appointed Emperor of America once more-time would it
be convenient to send Hon. Taft on trip to Mars to make once more Manila
speech about “Our Little Green Brother?” I ask no reply.
* * * * *
No human person have yet been to Mars with exception of Hon. H. G.
Wells, who stops at nothing. So he write freely for the Magazines. He
go to Mars, he say, with letter of introduction to Mayors, Politicians,
etc., and have intimate & confidential chatter with them inhabitants.
These Mars persons, say Hon. Wells, lives in elaborate cities what
closely resembles Coney Island. They are very swift about place-to-place
movements which is done by shooting the chutes. By government they are
Socialistic with a Pianola attachment. Children of these Mars persons
is born in incubators and educated by Absent Treatment. The inhabitants
of Mars is delightfully different from the inhabitants of Maine. The
inhabitants of Maine talks through their noses while the inhabitants of
Mars talks through their ears.
Mars, say Hon. Wells, is so circumscribed by light-minded atmosphere
that persons can talk there on heaviest subjecks without enjoying pain.
Persons with feathers sprouting from them in inexperienced places may be
seen in baloons speaking about Tariff, Aldrich Currency Bill, Ultimate
Destiny of College-bred Womans and other topical thoughts what can be
dropped in that delicious atmosphere without causing sounds. This planet
is pretty ideal. Old Age has also been abolished by Congress.
Mr. Editor, if Mars is like Hon. Wells say it is, somebody should be
punished for discovering it.
Some other Professors has wrote for magazines about this Hon. Mars in
very statistical language. Sydney Katsu, Jr., when he arrive to remove
me from them opera-glasses, show me one respectable magazine full of
alarming portraits of Mars with stripes all over it. He say they was took
by Hon. Prof. Lowell, an astronomy who went to Arizona.
“Why should a tame Professor go to Arizona?” I require with suspicious
expression.
“Hon. Prof. Lowell go to Arizona to see Hon. Mars,” collapse this Sydney.
“Do Hon. Mars live in Arizona?” I deploy for ignorance.
“It is estimated to be beyond it,” signify Sydney.
“You are a very toothsome dentistry,” I dally forth. “Please, then, told
me what species of Politics is enjoyed by this Hon. Mars?”
“Hon. Mars is solidly Republican by Politics,” say Sydney, “because I am
aware.”
“What make you so aware?” I require for curiosity.
“Because-so this,” manifest Sydney. “Some distinct Professor say in
Magazine, ‘Mars is considerably cut up with 10,000 Panama Canals!’”
“What do this prove about Hon. Republican Party?” I require.
“It prove plenty,” say Sydney. “Would Democratic Administration dig
10,000 Panama Canals on such a planet? Would Hon. Henry Watterson permit
such a great shovel? Ah, no!! Republican Party is blame for putting all
them surgery on face of Mars!”
“Them 10,000 Panama Canals must took several Presidential terms to dig
it,” I say for philosophy.
“Third terms is often followed by more of it in some Solar Systems,”
embark this Sydney with J. B. Forker expression.
In discussion of how get there to Mars we was considerable discouraged
persons, thank you. Railroads might go there by Government Ownership, but
would they? Distance from U. S. to Hon. Mars is a very extensive row of
arithmetic. In speaking of such compendious figures it is easy to drop
several millions of miles without feeling bad about it.
“Such a trip is too expensive,” said Sydney. “If one Japanese Boy
desiring to go to Mars should travel all over Earth and collect $1 eech
from eech man, womans & children, he would not yet have sufficient
money-pay for trip to Mars.”
“If I had possession of such ability to collect $1 apiece from all mans,
womans & child of this Earth I would not be particular about going to
Mars,” I renig with American eye-wink.
I then go to bed for brain-ache full of astronomy.
* * * * *
While setting at my bureau to-night I drop inkstand and look uply
at midnight sky, but I discover its absence because there is not no
window in the frugality of my bedroom. So I am satisfied to read one
newspaper-print which is published on Earth each evening. I read about
Hon. Aldrich Porous Plaster Finance, some useless information about Hon.
Terry McGovern, some intelligent elopement of Bank Presidents and several
other crimes of etiquette with portraiture on front page. But there is
no news about Hon. Mars. So I am supposing that nothing happens there
frequently. That is a nice fact to know about Mars, if nothing else
is discovered. It is pleasant for Japanese Boy to imagine that this
planet is not civilized like Hon. Wells and other prophets say-so about
it. It is sweet to thought that none of them machinery like sky-scrape,
elevator, hot-and-cold-water, subway & gasolene is inhabiting that Hon.
Star. How much more dearer would it be for Japanese Boy if Hon. Mars
was just one plain-finish Planet where refined persons could go after
death to set inside their souls and get away from this noisy panick of
ottomobiles!
Therefore I got a poem—
_TWINKLE, TWINKLY, LITTLE MARS_
Twinkle, twinkly, little Mars,
How I am mistaken to understood you!
So far removal
That you are wholesomely educative to Hashimura Togo,
If nothing else.
Isn’t there not something about Stars
Similar to Ladies?
I bet it there is!
Sometime, by watchful gloam-time
Loving gentlemen sit to watch for come of Fiancee.
He look—— Ah!
She is approaching with light feetsteps.
He feel so exclamitory——
Then, of suddenly,
When she is so near as to be more accurately inspect by eye,
That lover seems mistook;
So disjunctive!
Alast!
It is not her of which he waited—
It is some other else
Wearing similar ostrich in her hat.
She is maidenly, but elderly.
That lover reverences her respectibility,
But he is considerable quiet about it.
“Good evening, Miss Murphy,” he say,
Then make fudge exclamation in deep breath
And depart by trolley-ride.
Are you like them things I told, Mr. Mars?
Are you more suitable for astronomy
Than for farming?
Are you nice for telescopes,
But poor land for potatoe-grow?
I enquire.
Twinkle, twinkly, little Mars,
I demand you this:
Reply with some intelligence to answer about yourself, or else
I am suspicious.
Can you guarantee them Canals
To be entirely
Antiseptic? No malaria, no mosquitos?
Good place for Japan-American Annual Picnic?
If you have not got no Oceans,
How can you enjoy
Naval battles, sea-illness, whales
And all summer amusements what proper persons require to be
good-healthy?
If I should go to there, Mr. Mars,
Would you give me contract
For steady job?
Could I have Sunday off, please?—
Or don’t you enjoy them holidays?
Could I have evening-time
To study piano-play
And works of Darwin, Huxley & Jack London?
Could I have good bright room with steam-pipe in winter
And warm bath-room for splunge?
Oh! Hon. Mars, I require to know.
Reply to me in vision of nightmare,
Telegraf in dreams.
Answer before 10 o’clock Wednesday
Because I have got offer to work
In steam laundry of
W. G. Sullivan, Oakland.
This, Mr. Editor, is a fancy poem which expects no reply because it is
too literary. Therefore I will accept that Sullivan job. It is more
easier to go to Oakland for a laundry job than to Mars for a Cabinet
Position.
Hoping you are enjoying some of that financial distrust,
Yours truly,
HASHIMURA TOGO.
S. P.—Last Friday night Japanese Thinking Society wished very much that
you was there among it. They indulged a debate on “What is a Superman?”
Cousin Nogi say “Theodore Roosevelt.” I. Anazuma say “Bernard Shaw,” but
Hashimura Togo say “Arthur Kickahajama is it, because his wife is happy
about twins.” I was made a prize for this of 50c which will be Carnegie
medal to Mrs. Kickahajama.
H. T.
XXIX
STANDARD OILING ACROSS PARTY LINES
SAN FRANCISCO, October 4th.
_Editor New York Newspaper which ought to act kind of sweet &
gentle to Prairie Dog Refined & Oily Co. of Oklahoma because
they are a Small Dealer and has a Hard Stroggle._
HON. MR.—“There are nothing more meaner and sneeky than to took money
from children, cripples & other idiots,” say Arthur Kickahajama yesterday
with brite smile of truth.
“There are one thing more meaner & sneeky,” I dib for Loo Darkstutter
expression.
“What could be?” are sharp report for Arthur.
“To took money from Standard Oil are more meaner,” I say it.
“Can not Hon. Standard Oil afford to lose such money?” corporate Arthur.
“Ah yes,” I stupify, “but seldom persons can afford to accept it.”
“I could receive such a gifts,” say Arthur.
“Hush it,” are hiss from me; “who knows what? Maybe Hon. Hearst have got
you already on sporty page beside portrait of Jno. D. Rockefeller at
sinful age of 13. Maybe you are already politickly dead and buried under
following headline:
HE TOOK IT!!
PUSSITIVE PROOF THAT ARTHUR
T. KICKAHAJAMA, FOOLISH MISSIONARY
BOY, RECEIVE 2C STAMP FROM
OIL TRUST!!”
“O please excuse!” say Arthur for pale chop. “I have not yet took them
Standard Oily money have I?”
“Not yet, but when?” say I nervusly. “You must now be in constant state
of collapse. Any moment something might happen. Each hour post-officer
might make door-ring with yellow envelop.
“‘Why I get this envelop?’ you require of post-officer with Japanese
puzzle of brain.
“‘Perhaps something are inside of it,’ snuggest Hon. Carry-it.
“‘What would be inside of such a envelop?’ you ask to know.
“‘From experience I suspect it are a letter,’ say Hon. Mailer.
“You rap open envelop—and O surely so, it _are_ a letter! It begin with
usual form,
“‘MY DEAR SENATOR—I enclose a tiny check for household
expenses. When front porch needs paint & carpenter telegraph me
by wire & don’t mention it.
“‘Your obedient master,
“‘JOHN D. ARCHYBOLD.’
“From envelop fall a slice of paper. You pick up & read with entirely
cross eyes. It say $50,000.”
“What I do then?” muse Arthur with moist lips.
“If you are a decent man you will faint slightly. But it are no use.
Already you are a ruined Japanese.
“You go forthly to street-walk revolved to lead a better life & brace
uply. You should like to be honest. How useless! With quaker feeling of
ankles you straggle to saloon of Hon. Strunsky, Irish patriot.
“‘Please Hon. Mr.,’ you sub, ‘one humbel job for poor Japanese who can
still mop away beer at $.10 per hourly payment.’
“‘What references got, please?’ dib Hon. Strunsky.
“You become entirely tonsilitis for answer. Shameful blushes from ears &
eyebrows. You gollup & your breath is full of pants.
“‘Speech immediately!’ growly them famous bartend. ‘Already I have 6
costomers awaiting to get drunk. Again I ask to know: What references you
got?’
“‘I got here letter from Jno. D. Archybold of 26 Broadway,’ you reject
with soul full of clams.
“‘What say?’ dib them Strunsky with N. Y. _Journal_ noise. ‘You come to
my clean saloon asking for 1 position of publick trust and are sneekretly
carrying around with you a letter what would not be tolerated in the U.
S. Senate? You would be noticeable even in Pennsylvania!’
“And with them remark he roll you over beer-kag by family entrance. Night
approach and you are alone with your scratches.”
“And what next?” require Arthur with bumped imagination.
“Ain’t no next for you and Gov. Haskle,” are reproach from me.
“Yet a singed worm will twist,” submit Arthur. “Would Gov. Haskle make
sweet-dog smile to Hon. Roosevelt when he are enjoying all them delicious
scratches?”
“Perhapsly might,” am regard I make.
“What-say famous saw-wisdom?” require Arthur. “It-say, ‘Scratch a Russian
and you strike a Tartar.’”
“Scratch a Senator and you strike Oil,” are smart quotation for Japanese
Schoolboy.
* * * * *
Hon. Roosevelt have just called Hon. Bryan a Chimera. That were a very
mean curse. A Chimera, Mr. Editor, are a horid nature-fake discovered in
a vacant lott by Baccus, a prominent Greek drunkard. This queery mammal
start in to resemble a goat, but he lost interest in the subjeck about
the middle of his body, so he continue on backwards in a squimyform
appendix to look like a bow constricktor. The goatly part of this beast,
Mr. Editor, are mild and fond of common people and he love to nibble
vegetarian diet in Utopia where he live; but the rear extension of that
Chimera continue to point in the direction of Wall Street where it make
wig-wag signals of distress. The farm-yard part of them Chimera were born
in 1896, but the wiggly part were nailed on at the Denver Convention this
year.
Hon. John Burro say that animals do not think. The Chimera are an animal.
Hon. Roosevelt agree with John Burro on all subjecks.
Hon. Hearst, when he discover Hon. Haskle and Hon. Forker in act of
Standard Oiling, done a pretty fine servis to this kingdom of America.
When I think of all that good he done I extend my hand to Hon. Hearst—and
then apologize to my Hand. That were a pretty nice stab which Hon. Hearst
made, not because he hated Haskle less, but because he hated Bryan more.