And boss the world whatever way he please.
When Muckrakes come to write him up for shock
He say, “Refuse to answer,” then he freeze.
The Pole he are a predatory Graft,
A short-but-ugly word, yet on he go
With utter disregard of Time & Taft—
A Solid Plutocrat of ice and snow.
Mr. Editor, I am aware why Hon. Peary boat are called the _Roosevelt_. It
are because it are a hot thing in a cold climbate—also because it are a
champion ice-burster. (At least smile at this, please, because it would
sound delicious in Japanese.)
[Illustration: “They should not make groups around with scissors to cut
away souvenirs from him”]
Seriously thinking it, I shall not prevent that Hon. Peary from going to
North Pole as oftenly as whimsical; and yet I peev with complaint because
he do it on so small scales. He are a small dealer in Poles, therefore he
should be crowded to wall by all rules of Interstate Commerce. Would it
not be more better for civilization if Arctick Circle was organized into
exploration Trust with $20,000,000 capital and several Senators? You bet
your bootware such a Trust would get to Pole & build trolley to there in
less time than it take to pass a Forest Reserve Bill. I am surprised that
such a Trust has not thought of this already, for what-say Hon. Kipling?
He-say: “Is seldom a law of man or God found North of 23.”
Such a climbate would be awfully ideel for a Trust.
Yet I am suspicious. If Hon. Wall Street are not interested in North Pole
there must be deliciously little laying loose around there to steal.
For final thought, Hon. Sir, I suspect that considerable salt-drip of
tears is waisted on them cool heroes of far North. Mrs. Lusy Macdonald,
tender & fat angel, say: “Poor mans, not to have fresh asparagus for
months in & out!”
“Truly so,” I navigate, “but if they have no fresh asparagus, they also
has no mosquitos.”
“Togo, should you like to be a Arctick Explorer you talk like?” she ask
it.
“I should like to be ½ a Arctick Explorer,” I struggle. “If I was
permitted to do so I should enjoy to be Hon. Peary during June, July,
August & Sept. During Fall & Winter months I should be pleased to spread
gospels among better warmed cannibels of South Seas.”
“Both are noble trades for a hero,” say-she for kind sentiment.
“It are pleasant to be useless during vacations,” I dib.
With love to Senator Lodge & other successful Eskimos,
Yours truly,
HASHIMURA TOGO.
XXV
HIGH TARIFF ON PRINCES
SAN FRANCISCO, Sept. 1st.
_To Editor of New York Newspaper which must be very
marriageable person, if he has not already attended his own._
HON. MR.—Frank the Japanned Bootpolish, who is a mental Socialist, say me
this statistick for peevish argument:
“Twenty-five thousand pairs of people is married together by each day in
these U. S.”
“Such delicious number of happiness!” I commit, pointing to Utah on map.
“Of them 25,000 wedding ceremonies,” derange Frank with Harvard
expression, “at leastly 23,000 is International Marriages, including,
by police-record, following races: Huns, Finns, Siberians, Liberians,
Polaks, Mollusks, Mazourkas, Dons, Otts, and Pennsylvanians.”
“Them races is told apart by washing them,” I deride for conversation.
“Of them 23,000 assorted foreigns getting married together by each day,
maybe there is a few number with something queer about them; maybe 100
of them has clubbed feets, 50 of them is double-jointed dwarfs, 10 of
them has two heads apiece, 6 of them is Siamese twins, and 1 or 2 of them
is a Duke or something.”
“Do newspaper-press mention with loud excitement the marriage of all them
Hon. Freaks?” I ask for knowledge.
“Seldom if any,” say Frank the Japanned Bootpolish. “What say Hon.
Shakespeare about International Marriages? He-say, ‘When Princes wed
there is such big show that other Hon. Freaks must crawl out under tent.’”
“Do you not say jokey-talk when you mention that Hon. Prince among other
Hon. Freaks?” I inquire to know.
“Ah no!” rejoy that Frank. “Is not one Hon. Prince some Freak? Yes,
surely so! Is not one baby born with crown on top of skull as curio to
see as one baby born with six ears? Boots can be bet on it!”
“Too sad,” I collapse with tear-drop of eye. “When one Hon. Prince come
to this U. S. persons should be more politeness. They should not make
groups around him with scissors to cut away souveners from him. They
should not lift off his Hon. Derby to take peeps at his Hon. Crown. Maybe
he is sensitive about his deformity!”
“Hon. Princes is not entirely like other common Freaks,” debate Hon.
Frank.
“With what for difference?” I reject.
“Common Freaks is supported by Museums which do very well. Hon. Princes
is supported by Tradition which often forget to pay salary. Hence
appropriations must be voted in U. S. Senate for International Marriages.”
My cousin Nogi, which hear them words we spoke in Japanese syllables,
come up and say,
“If Hon. Senator Pelkins permit Hon. Duke de Buzzi to marry his family,
will this not be considered unpatriotick act to do? Will not Hon. Senator
occupy anonamous position in U. S. Senate?” This from Nogi.
“I am reminded of fudge!” I relapse with expression of iced aristocrat.
“He will occupy elsewhere position!”
“What committee in U. S. Senate could endure such Hon. Senator when so
related to pompous crown of Italy?” require Japanned Frank.
“Committee on Foreign Relations would be very nice seat for such
Senator,” I commute with decorated appearance from eyebrow.
* * * * *
Mr. Editor, I am a shock & grief to see attitudes of this America to
them Nobilities caming here in seek for employment. Why for is such
high-tariff policy in this free kingdom on them European manufactured
goods like automobiles, barons and carved sculptors? America are entirely
anxious to become civilized—yet how can she get it without some of
them things made in Germany for small price? In France any mechanical
working-girl can afford to buy one small Baron on easy installment plan.
In Italy they are served as waiters with meals. Americans may collect
them in all countries of Europe, but in Custom House of U. S. they are
insulted and treated like works of art, because Hon. Jo-uncle Cannon are
so chivalrous about Hon. Sugar & Tobacco.
But ah! I know, Mr. Editor. Hashimura Togo are on to some sure wisdom
about why them Hon. Nobles is so rare to get in this America when
delicious to have! Hon. Trusts do it!! It are one Combination in
Restraint of Trade. Day-by-year Hon. Small Dealer is crowdy to wall.
How often do Dukes come to America with purpose of marrying some Common
People? Never if seldom—except when them Common People is rich as they
are common. Who get first pick-out of the Sizzyeni and De Chagrin
families when they arrive to Custom House? Do Hon. Employment Bureaus? Do
Plumbers & Joiners Union? Do Beneficial Order of Elks?
Reply is, NO! Who do, then? For answer write to Hon. La Folette who will
send, by stamp, list of persons who done it, including 97 varieties of
wealth.
* * * * *
Hon. Henry Watterson, who is official thinker for Kentucky, say-so that
this kingdom is deliciously disgusted about Princes because it are
entirely Democratick by vote. Foreign titles give especial loathing to
desperate patriots like Hon. Hearst, who say that all Dukes ought to be
shot; so he do so, thank you, with foto camera.
During the wedding season in America it are nice trick for Japanese
Schoolboy to set in sofa of very gilt hotel and watch something. Pretty
soonly it arrive. It is one quiet gentleman of grey finish who make
sneak-walk in at tradesman entrance of hotel. He is scarcely to be
noticeable except for fact that he wear blue goggles & green beard to
appear natural. As he approach to desk of Hon. Clerk there is nervous
creaking of furniture where Hon. Reporters is hidden in.
“Name, please, to register it!” say Hon. Clerk with pen.
“John Smith of Nebraska,” remit them stranger with Kansas accent.
“You are a ugly word!” renig that Clerk with teeth. “Nobody in Nebraska
have such queer name like John Smith.”
(Impatient noises heard from kodaks behind furniture.)
“On what business are you here on?” relapse Hon. Clerk.
“I ain’t not here on no business. I are——”
“You _are_,” abjurgate Clerk, “then you admit it!”
“He admit it!!” cry-out 17 Reporters & 9 Photographers arising from
furniture.
“Which do I admit?” desire Hon. Stranger beginning to make tears.
“You are the Prince de Chagrin!” collapse all in unicorn.
“Discovery!” cry that unhappy Prince, fainting away into bar-room. All
kodaks explode simultaneously.
With immediate quickness that Hotel become one International Affair.
Telegraf editors of all prominent newspresses set desks in lobby to be
near it; hallway in front of bedroom where Hon. Prince is awake, is
full with interviewers, biographers, historians, popular novelists,
muck-rakers, scratch-artists, paint-artists, photographers & engravers.
Pretty soonly _Evening Bagpipe_ come out. On back page is grand editorial
of magnificent tipe of title “How We Despise that Nobility!” To prove
them contempt of nobility, _Evening Bagpipe_ print live-size portrait
on front page showing Hon. de Chagrin being draped in automobile with
America & French flags by Cupid & mothology ladies. By each ½ hour
_Evening Bagpipe_ arrive with extra edition to tell what might be next,
as follows:
_10 o’clock extra!_—Prince de Chagrin took elevator to
wine-room and say, “Make it two!” This is an almost proof that
he is engaged.
_10:30 double extra!!_—Royal Prince de Chagrin was saw
looking at palace of Hon. J. W. Moneywortz this morning with
matrimonial expression.
_11 o’clock pink extra!!!_—His Highness, Prince de Chagrin,
shook hands with Senator Johnson with democratick laugh. Hon.
Senator, with great presence of mind, said, “My daughter is
already married.”
_11:30 double pink sporting extra!!!!_—His Royal Highness,
Prince de Chagrin, stopped at Seidlitz Gallery and looked 1½
minutes at photo of famous chorus-girl. Thrilling story of this
lady’s life (if she got one) will appear in 3 color for Sunday
extra supplement with souvenir toy baloons.
_12 o’clock green international suicide extra!!!!!_—His
Majesty, Prince de Chagrin, have disappeared. Nobody else is
missing—what to tell?
_13 o’clock extra, extra, extra!!!!!!_—Hon. Emperor de Chagrin
traced 5 miles on road to Chicago by broken kodaks. Maybe it
was someone else.
By lamplight yesterday I attend one Hon. Lecture at Socialist Hall.
“Time will came, and soonly,” say Hon. Lecture “when working man of
America will got everything he want.”
“Will he got a foreign title for self & family?” I enquire with voice.
For them question I was rejected for being a Japanese Spy.
And yet it was a fairful question to reply. If Hon. Workman deserve to
own the Trusts he also deserve to own them Dukes & Princes what Hon.
Trusts is working seriously to make corner for. If Hon. Farmer of rural
populus can have 1 automobile and his Hon. Wife 1 Pianola, can not his
Hon. Daughter set on porch with some Italian Nobility by summer evening?
Can not Petaluma _Clarion_ appear each weekly with following gossip of
neighbouring live-stock:
“Bill Brown’s daughter, Countess Rockheimer & husband, made visit to the
farm this week. Welcome, strangers!
“Si Perkins, Marquis of Perkins Corners, was out plowing the North Acre
on Saturday. His Lordship is a very fine hustle.
“There is one new Duke in the Snodgrass family. It’s a boy this time.
“Senator Elkhorn of Coalopolis are absent from town on trip to St.
Petersburg for visit his son-in-law the Czar of Russia. Town looks pretty
dead without the genial Senator!”
No, Mr. Editor, trouble with this country is not too many Dukes, but too
less of them. If Americans seen a Duke in every cigar-store they would
not name cigars after him. This is also found amongst lower species.
Insects is arranged carefully in glass boxes and named after difficult
Latin poets as long as they are scarce and sly about being coaxed by
collectors. But when them same Hon. Insects is discovered in colonies
leading simple life among potato plants they are generally regarded to be
Bugs. Thus I transfer it from Japanese poetry:
If Grasshop Bugs was merely scarce to see
And human persons was not used to its
Remarkabilious ways, all-world might be
Admiring of his limbs the way they fits.
But Grasshop Bugs has got around so thick
That persons sweep them up in pans and pails,
And Poets, while them lovelus Grasshops kick,
Are somewheres else admiring Nightingales!
I am given to be understood that Hon. King Manuel of Portugal are looking
for young lady willing to be queen. Them news are causing very dangerous
heart-throb in family circle of U. S. Senate.
Yours truly,
HASHIMURA TOGO.
S. P.—One banzai thought! Several months pass-by ago one imperious
Japanese Prince make visit to America. Since he return to Japan there has
not been least slightest rumor of engagement to him of Miss Vanderhooley
of Newport. How he escape from? This is one other evidence of superior
Japanese stratagem. I have feeling of boast!
H. T.
XXVI
THE SERVANT PROBLEMB
SAN FRANCISCO, Sept. 11th.
_To Editor New York Newspaper which make very tough projectile
for mind to chew._
HON. MR. SIR—At Asiatick Delight Japanese Employment Bureau where I am
found mostly always pleading for jobs with price $2, kindness loan of
Cousin Nogi, I am a stand-up in line yesterday with other 43 Japanese
Schoolboys which was also nervus about it. S. Muto, Prop. of this Hon.
Bureau, see me with smile of riticule, because he do.
“Togo you are residing here so oftenly you might bring trunk and sleep.
Why so jobless all time? When I give you delicious something to do it,
you are back by return carfare for more.”
“Your jobs is all perishable, Hon. Muto,” I exaggerate. “They will not
keep in such climate.”
“You are also unkept,” decompose this Muto. “You are a wrong Japanese to
speek such slamber about my jobs. You are a Servant Problemb!”
At such American insult I feel Samurai instinct with wrists. My interior
soul make kicking performance of jiu jitsu—but outside my moustache I am
a very smiling embassy like Hon. Baron Takahira.
“I am so delight to hear!” I renig for sarcastick. “I am aware of being a
Yellow Peril—to be also a Servant Problemb are considerable distinguish.
I am pretty pride about myself to be so much altogether.”
“Why so you no stick to one job of work and thusly gain experience by?”
he denounce.
“Because-so,” I report. “Thank you, I can gain considerable plenty
experience by losing jobs. I know because I do.”
“It are person like you that make Servant Problemb in this kingdom,”
collapse Hon. Muto with peev.
“If I are such fine Servant Problemb,” I say with voice, “why you no get
me one job doing it? Maybe some sweet-hearted American wish to hire such
a Problemb for $3 a week & board it. So I shall willingly go there with
valise.”
“Have you got some good references of recommend to show you could hold
situation of Servant Problemb elsewheres?” he say it.
“Of sure I have!” I degrade, so I took from my inward vest following
recommend of my intelligence which I wrote myself:
1—Mrs. C. W. O’Brien, honourable lady, where I do table-wait
& terrible ordeel from fresh American gentleman who say “Jap
boy!” with voice so I am very sorry when hot soup drown him at
collar & I am next irritate to race-riot with Whang So, China
boy of dogly face & terminate there by hanging him by the tail
of his head to hon. doorknob. Good-bye, Mrs. C. W. O’Brien!
Time there was 3 week.
2—Hon. Miss Maizie Jone, young lady of considerable antiquity &
large average weight, promise pay me 10c hr. teach her bisickle
ride. I teach her gently by up-hill; but by down-hill teaching
become deliciously rapid because of nervousness enjoyed by
hon. machinery. Japanese Boy is earnest to stop it & can not
do until Baker Wagon ensue & leave Hon. Maizie broken among
machinery. I am Hospital Corps for help; but Hon. Maizie become
loudly thankless. Time there was ½ hr & no pay.
3—Board House of Mrs. Van Horn. There I am guaranteed for
experienced window-wash. This is high task of scrubbing and I
am serious about it until suds-bucket overspill 3 stories to
top of Episcopal Clergyman who notice it. Hashimura Togo depart
with fire-alarm. Time there was 2 days, 15 minite.
4—Golden West Garage where I am manicure for automobiles. “Are
you acquainted to do?” say Hon. Boss. “O gladly!” I bereft. I
try, but Hon. Gasolene object by explosion. I do not care for
this place. Time there was 6 minites.
5—I am nurse-maiden for delighted home of Duglas Willkins,
Sausalito. I am request to perambulate Hon. Godfrey, which is
a baby, out near some fresh air which he enjoy breathing it.
There I meet Wanda, Japanese socialist, who discourse with me
about Private Ownership. While this important talk is doing
Hon. Baby get himself detached from buggy-ride by one method
or another. I am conversing too much to notice this until Hon.
Mrs. Willkins approach to say with hysterick, “Where is them
Baby?” I should like to answer. By search for it I discover
Hon. Baby aslumbering amongst huckledock bush by road. She do
not miss me at departure. Time there was 3 days.
Hon. Sago Sadoyama, who is a professor of American magazine-reading, was
found at them Employment Bureau looking for it also. While awaiting for
jobs we was delighted to have a discuss. He say upwards of this:
“I read in populus magazine for 10c one article of title ‘Why Do Servants
Leave Good Homes When They Are Fired?’ I ask to know.”
“Answer to this is, Because,” I snuggle.
“Ah no!” say this Sago. “It are because Declamation of Independence make
them quit it.”
“How thus?” I delay.
“Because so,” say Sago. “Them Declamation pronounce ‘All persons is
crated free & equal.’ That are nice maxim for school-houses, city halls,
grocery stores & other patriotick edifices; but it ain’t no good maxim
for put over kitchen stove. Each Household Lady what require to keep
Hon. Cook in kitchen must keep pretty silent about Hon. Declamation of
Independence, or Hon. Cook might get suspicious that there is one.
“Suppose that Hon. Cook should see such a Declamation while she was
setting down to skin hon. potatoes for lunching. While there she hear
Hon. Mrs. from parlour-room play tune of ‘Jolly Widow’ in key of piano.
Of suddenly Hon. Cook drop pair-knife with immediate brain-thought.
“‘Sake of!’ she decry. ‘If all persons is crated free & equal, why
to skin potatoe? No person what is free & equal ever skin a potatoe.
Therefore not.’
“Silence from kitchen, then. Pretty soonly it are 1.30 of clock-time and
Hon. Mr. Phillup retire home from paint-works enjoying faintness.
“‘Hon. Mrs.’ he say-so to female wife, ‘where is them lunch to eat it?’
“‘I will seen about,’ say Hon. Mrs. from piano play. So she go kitchen
expressing angry rage by feet. There she find Hon. Cook wearing Jolly
Widow headware & setting on valise meaning good-bye.
“‘Bertha, kindly please, where is them lunch to cook it?’ she deserve.
“‘Can not do, thank you,’ deliver that Hon. Cook. ‘I are crated free &
equal. Also dam gas-range enjoy large leak. Therefore I am delight to
tell you farewell because I am a decent average girl.’
“That Bertha then depart from kitchen taking part of it with her,” say
Sago.
“Servant ladies what is too free & equal is found at liberty nearly
all-time,” I rebate with Asiatick salute.
* * * * *
One wise Professor which is mistaken say “Trouble of these United State
is that servants is no good.” Such childhood to say! Trouble of these
United State is that servants is _too_ good. Most of them is too good
to work except when drove to by hungry symptoms of esophagus. Cooking
lady are too good for sweep; sweeping lady are too good for window-wash;
window-wash lady are too good for scrub; and scrubbing lady are too good
for anything. Frequently at least some Hon. Employer when he hire Hon.
Servant forget how good them person is. Then he must be snub.
“Are you a drunkard by habit?” enquire Hon. Employer.
“I are,” relapse Hon. Servant. “Are you?”
“Are you careful of frugality, industrious, steady moral, nice
sleep-hours, early-rise man?” require that Employer for nervus shock.
“I are not,” reply them Servant. “Are you?”
Hon. Employer now enjoy transom of angry rage.
“You must be unfitted for any good job of work to do it!” he corrode.
“Of sure I are,” flotate that Hon. Servant. “How nicely you are guessing
things!”
Hon. Employer stand gast for fluttering brain.
“You know who I are?” require Hon. Servant.
“I am aware at last,” say Employer. “You are Upton Sincere the Boy
Noveller attempting to give me write-down for famous novel ‘The
Meatropolis,’ which will describe my disgusting wealth. You are fired in
advance,” say Hon. Employer escaping to hide self under bed.
In Japan, China, Corea & other happy islands where persons has sense
enough to be entirely Heathens, Servant Problembs is not there because it
is absent, thank you. There, when Hon. Servant are awaiting on you, you
are aware of it. Tea is served by crolling on seat of stummick & bumping
with forehead to announce it are ready. If Japanese Servant require to
cease job he are legally require to ask Hon. Employer. If Hon. Employer
give his consent, Hon. Servant are legally require to do hari-kiri with
dull knife to show how grateful he feel.
This custom make Japanese Servant bashful about asking to quit.
Servants is exceptional to most golden rule, I am at liberty to suppose.
Are it not glory-bird feel to be Independent? Ain’t not them Independence
a grand motion for hearts what makes hero go fife-drumming to blaze
of fireworks & sley something or be dead about it? Hon. Vergil say in
Latin class, “How nice it is to die for your Country!” And yet so, what
American of intelligence would care to employ one Hero to do servanting
around house? Would it be pleasant to have one Cook what is fond of
sleying something to fife-drum music? Answer is, No!! If Hon. Butler
absorb gin-wine & march through dining-room with purpose to die for his
Country he are immediately discouraged by remark, “Hush! Baby is asleep.”
When a patriot are Independent he are called “glorious.”
When a Servant are Independent he are called “undependable.”
Here is some tuneless poetry about a domesticated cook:
_CONVERSATION WITH A NEGLECTED AMERICAN_
Alice O’Rafferty, Swedish Servant,
Tell me to know,
What hast you forgotten to make you have such wild-hair expression of
look?
Hast you forgotten
Childhood home & don’t-forget-me blossom
Of dear old mother neath
Apple-tree bud?
Hast you forgotten
Some very nice love-song of early springly time
By shade of water-cress
And daffy-dills sweetly blend?
I require answer, please!
“Ah no, I ain’t forgot them things,”
Response Alice-Sit-by-the-Stove,
“But I hast forgotten
To put any carrots
In Hon. Soup.”
She weep.
Alice O’Rafferty, Swedish Servant,
What volume of book
Have you got hid under wash-board?
Are it some technical work
On heating buns?
Are it entitle,
“How to construct a mince pie on an income of $1,000 a year?”
Are it entitle
“Dainty Dishes for Peevish Palates”?
I ask to look.
“Ah no,” response that estimate female,
“It are a fairy-story entitle ‘Marriage of Wm. Ashes,’
By Mrs. Humpley Ward.”
Sighs from her.
“Life of cook are very mean and sordy,”
She say,
And splotter tear-drop on Humpley Ward book.
Alice O’Rafferty, Swedish Servant,
Tell me to know—
But hark!
I hear something burning with smudge!
Maybe it are a house afire,
But it smell remarkabilously like
Soda biskits what has ignited therselves
In oven.
Hoping you are having no trouble with your Public Servants, I am
Yours truly,
HASHIMURA TOGO.
[Illustration: “‘I require to leave message for Cousin Charley at
Washington’”]
XXVII
THE FEETSTEPS OF SCIENCE
SAN FRANCISCO, Sept. 24th.
_To Editor New York Newspaper who I include to list of wireless
friends._