rebates to a golf-caddy. Fine, $29,000,000 with liberal
discount in Court of Peals.
Hon. Mrs. Wilkins, occupation social vagrant—crime, bridge-play
while house was afire & husband broiled. Discharged by advice
of husband who was a first offense.
Hon. Eli. McYale, alias “Spud,” alias “Locomotive,” alias
“Kangaroo,” occupation college-student—crime, feetball with
intent to kill. Out on bale till after feetball season when he
will come back, please, and be electrocuted.
Hon. Ripi Gavotti & Hon. Peter Hooley, occupation
neighbours—crime, mayhem committed while watching a innocent &
friendly dog-fight. Hon. Gavotti bite away ear from Hon. Hooley
to prove he got the most intelligent dog. Prisoners discharged
by Judge who also love dogs.
When Uncle Nichi hear-it all them record of horble crimes he become
seriously Japanese.
“O-so!” he-say, “Must there be a war between America & England because of
a mere feet-race?”
“If a mere feet-race can’t start a war, nothing can. Who can imagine them
two great & dignified peoples making such hell-baloo over seal-fisheries
or boundery-line between U. S. & Canada or small trifle like annexation
of Ireland? Did Brittish publick stand around and yall ‘Boo!’ to rattle
American diplomat during contest of Hay-Pauncefaute treaty? Ah no!
But when a craven foe land on Brittish soil to peril sacred rite of
hop-skip-and-jump what son of Brittania so callus not to scream?”
“I got a poem,” I say for headache. “It sound delicious in
Japanese—therefore excuse following translation:
_INTERNATIONAL CEMENT_
The Lion to the Eagly say, “We two is one same feather;
We done too much of sware & fite—now let us play together.”
So on them nice Olympus road they meet some games to try out—
The Eagly-bird he watch his chance & scrape them Lion’s eye out.
“Fowl play!” all Lion Cubs they cry; so all them beasts they pair off
And Lion claws make feathers fly while Eagly’s tear-off hair-off.
Them Lion-dog make rory-rores as in the race he led off
And when he reach the second lap he eat them Eagly’s head off.
The Birds & Beasts of all the world they cry with looks appealing,
“O such a comick way to start a Era of Good Feeling!
“It once was ‘Hands Across the Sea—’ but now we got the notion
That all the instinck that they got is ‘Claws Across the Ocean.’
“There’s nothing like them Ties of Blood to keep such friends together—
There goes the Lion’s other eye—there goes a Eagly feather!”
And so they fot till they was weak, and then they sadly went off
To count their scratches, dress their wounds—and pick that darn Cement
off.
Mr. Editor, entire trouble with them Olympus games was that American
athletes was handicapped by English sense of Fair Play which are a
famous & sacred thing & will stop at nothing when it get a chance.
English Fair Play have always been a deliciously important fackter in
her Colonial Policy. It were that same holy fire what give to America a
Stamp Act & Taxation without Representations; send Lord Clive on famous
jewel-robberies among Moguls what was entirely pagan & needed doing;
force hon. opium-smoke down palate of Hon. China so she would sleep
better; and sley Mary, Queen of Scotch, with a hatchet because she live
in the suburbs.
What-say renewed Irish Orator about England. He-say, “O perfidious
Albino!” I am sly about repeating such mean curses.
Strength of Hon. England are this: she can lie longer, steal stronger &
look more respectable than any other ancient Nation now living. America
is filled with disgusting Grafts, but Hon. England have got only a House
of Lords decorated with coated arms & vested rights. London are poplus
with Life Insurance Presidents disguised as Missionaries. If Jo-uncle
Cannon had a accent made in Oxford & a suit of clothing made in Hanover
Square he would not need to change his politicks before setting in the
House of Lords. I are very nervous about England’s soul.
Cousin Nogi, who partly agree with me in some things, say, “I are
joyfully congratulated not to be mixed up in such Olympus affairs.”
“English sense of Fair Play are a joke,” I scorch.
“Perhapsly that are why it are took so seriously in England,” make-up
Nogi.
Hoping you are the same,
Yours truly,
HASHIMURA TOGO.
S. P.—O-Fido, Hon. Pup to which I belong, show symptom of being a
dash-hound.
“Call him Cassius,” say Sydney Katsu, Jr. “Why-it?” is inquiry for me.
“Hon. Shakespeare say about Cassius, ‘In him the elements so mixed up
that all-world might stand around & say, “This was a dog.”’”
H. T.
XXIII
OUTSIDE EXERCISES FOR HEALTH
SAN FRANCISCO, August 22d.
_Editor N. Y. Newspaper who must attend to spin-around of world
while others fish._
DEAR SIR—Year of America are divided into 2 sessions: Winter & Summer.
Winter are devote to acquiring disease inside; Summer are devote to
getting rid of them outside. Winter are dedicate to serious pursuit of
money; Summer are devote to fooly pursuit of rest. Both are good ways to
know and increase Hon. Death Rates.
Predatory gentlemans what are rich enough to agree with Hon. Judiciary
about Injunctions, etc., can afford some French-speaking automobiles of
60 horse-power and go out for pursue a rest. Man who break Interstate
Commerce law a little while can break speed-law the rest of his entire
existence. I know because I watch him.
Americans go for rest with energy of human bullets. Japanese Schoolboy
stand by side of roadside & shelter self from strokes by raspberry trees.
Soonly there is a red whizz passing. It are a automobile of French
extraction and Irish disposition. By front seat sets fatty gentleman who
is a owner of some trusts, because he look like it. Nearly to him sets
Hon. Chaffer clasping teeth for nerves.
“What speedometer is it?” ask Hon. Truster eating some dust.
“60-mile hourly we are going it,” say-he with wheels.
“Extreme slowness,” derange Hon. Finance.
More pushes by gasolene.
“Of what speedness now?” examine them Trust Magnet.
“75 mile horse-power,” say Hon. Chaffer with lung.
“Exaggerate it!” elapse Hon. Boss for mania.
Hon. Chaffer try-to, but Hon. Car make angry rage of cogs & do an
explosion by fence where fraxions must be collected patiently. Injury is
enjoyed by all passengers who is afar off among clover-field where they
flew to.
I am a hospital corps to that very ill Trust & await to interview him
with bandages.
“Where was you going so hasty?” is first question for me.
“Not sure,” say-he, “but I was rapidly approaching there.”
“What was you looking after so whizzy?” negotiate me.
[Illustration: “‘I have a developed chest already,’ snuggest Hon. Taft”]
“A rest,” he corrode for dying smiles.
“You have found it too suddenly,” I commute with epitaph expressions.
“Therefore you may rest in fractions.”
* * * * *
Mr. Editor, to remain good-healthy it are nice to choose some exercise
what you will not be killed by. Motor-car axidents, although a very
wealthy sport, are a too violent physical culture for Japanese Boy who
would prefer to be alive & slightly sick much rather than to be dead &
in splandid muscular condition. Considerable Heroes of antiques has did
jiu jitsu to Tyrants and yet been entirely ignorant of Hon. Spalding’s
Feetball Guide. But them things happened in very former times.
Shortly ago I become nervous about high education of brain. “I must see
some scholars doing it,” I narrate to myself; so for car-fare I go visit
one intelligent Red Colledge what are nearly here. When I approach near
to campuss I am aware of excitable sing-song of loud mail voices saying
something together.
“So lofty!” I dib. “They are resighting passages of Grecian poetry in
chorus so they all will get 100% mark for classick examination!” I make
excited breath & hurry foots to where it happen.
There beholt! was all young youths of this Red Colledge stooding
together for wave of danger-signal flags & saying following rotation for
voice-culture:
“Hurrah! Hurrah!
Play glibly
And do more of!!
O!!!
Such a bully for you!”
(Repeat this several times for imagination.)
And by opposite chairs was setting a Blue Colledge with appropriate shade
of wave-flag with which they make wigwag signals to following rotation
for voice-culture:
“Sissy-boom!
What is wrong with us?
By investigation we find
We are considerably all right—
Therefore Hurrah HURRAH!!”
On smooth place between grandstands was 2 teams of red & blue baseballers
playing it with batty acrobaticks. One youngful man containing red sox
was considerably idealized by Red Colledge because he was a Hon. Pitch
and could act deceptively while shooting fastly to Hon. Catch. When Hon.
Bat would make swipe-stick knocks at Hon. Ball what go by without injury,
then entirely that Red Colledge would scream up, “O Smith, Smith, you are
so good to do it!!”
When Hon. Blue Runner would attempt to slide on knuckles & Hon. Red Pitch
would observe him with deceptive throw, then such banzais from Hon. Red
Colledge what would hoola out loud, “Hurrah some more for Hon. Smith who
deserve it!”
I stand by-next to one Hon. Professor what was also shouting with gilt
spectacles.
“Mr. Sir,” I commune, “why this Colledge make such proud whoop-up for
that Smith youth, please?”
“Hon. Smith are most smartest man in Colledge,” say Hon. Professor with
surprise for ignorance.
“Ah!” I collide. “So thankful to see such a leader of thought! By what
branches of brain do he most exsel in these classick hallways of Mrs.
Minerva?”
“He are a hundred yard dasher of 9 seconds, he are a pole-jump of 12
feet, for 2 years he play short-stop on feetball game and can throw a
spitting baseball in circles around all batty athletes.”
“He must be a very high educated man,” I combust; “I bet your bootware
that Hon. Shakespeare could not do nothing like that.”
“Hon. Shakespeare was neglected in childhood,” say Prof. “So he never go
to colledge to learn how.”
“So sorry for that!” I ratify. “Do this Hon. Smith have very muscular
mind for study of Grecian poetry?”
“Scarcely if seldom,” mitigate Hon. Prof. “Faculty of this Colledge
do not believe in making bright mind of youth sad by too much read on
subjecks of solum & trajick Greek poetries.”
“They should read Hon. Aristophanes,” I say-so, “for he was considered a
very comick Greek poet.”
“Maybe-so he were,” dib them Prof. “But I have been teacher of classick
literature for 35 tiresome years, and never yet have I saw any colledge
boys tickling themselves to death with jokes from that Hon. Aristophanes.”
I am entirely flabbed. So I go to Carnegie Library of them Colledge to
see by quiet look how many of them student was improving inside of skulls
by books. And there what see? Three Japanese students setting in bench
for lonesome company. One of them was studying “Antique War Map of Battle
of Marathon.” Other was taking light chew from “Co-tangent Theory about
Circular Orbits,” and other one was trying to translate works of James
Whatcome Riley into Japanese.
I sneak silently out with mollycuddle feelings of instep.
Sydney Katsu say-so that game of Golluf are called “sport of kings.”
Therefore if any private gentleman wishes to become a king or something
in America he must go to meadows and learn how-play this peculiar
knocking game. When Hon. Rockefeller lernt it he became a Oil King &
still continues to exercise.
Before Hon. Roosevelt decided to appoint Hon. Taft to be King of America
he-say him: “Hon. Bill, what kind of a athlete are you, please?”
“I are a very distinguished trot,” narrate Wm. “I have become noted by
running from places to places.”
“These U. S. won’t not stand no more fat heroes,” say Hon. Roosevelt.
“What possibly good it do you to have newspaper print say ‘Hon. Taft
spend 24 hours daily at desk?’ Small or less. But have war correspondent
say ‘Hon. Taft spend 24 hours daily tearing teeth out of wild bulls’ and
you will be called upon by 1,000 photographers & Frederick Remington.”
Hon. Taft set silently eating fattening cigars.
“When you are training to be a king,” say Hon. Theo, “you must exercise
to develop considerable chest.”
“I have a developed chest already,” snuggest Hon. Taft, drawing his belt
close around.
“Assuredly you have,” say Hon. President, “but you should wear it higher
so that it would show to better advantage.”
“How to begin to be a National Athlete?” say Hon. Wm.
“I began by breaking horses,” say Hon. Theo.
“I can easily break the stoutest horse by setting on him,” abrogate Hon.
Taft.
“I am disgusted by such a set-pat policy,” say ruler of nation. “If you
can not take exercise you can at least play Golluf.”
So Hon. Roosevelt loand Hon. Taft a big club if he promise not to broke
it & he find a nice, green link near Light House at Washington where he
practise Hon. Golluf Game. On door of Sec. of War it are now a easy snap
to find following card:
HON. WM. H. TAFT
ARE ABSENT ON LINK TO PLAY GOLLUF GAME FROM 2 TO 4
DAILY TILL AFTER ELECTION.
MOVING PICTURE MAN
IS CORDIALLY INVITED TO BE THERE
Mr. Editor, what are most principally shocky & surprise to me about
outside exercises enjoyed by Americans is that they takes them in such
a light & frivlus spirit of josher. Are game of health-bring and deep
breathing merely a funny laugh-at thing? Answer is, No!!
It sadden my pulse to see American family by good elderly summertime
pack trunk to go shore-side. Why they sing & whistle comick song about “I
am timid to return home in darkness”? Why so happy & frolick for as they
are gone down to train? Do they not know that they are sujurning away
for benefit of kidney, liver & lung, which is hyjean & therefore kind
of sacred because it can do a great deal of harm to all human races? By
border of ocean they go to some light hotel & dip slightly in tidy serf
of sea, they lole upon sand in delighted clothing, they puff cigarette,
they drink intoxicated ginriksha. By moontime they practise whatever
flirting is necessary—no thoughts of their scientifick insides.
Ah, vacation should be a more solum & useful improvement! Japanese
athlete would arise more sadder & stern by 6 of clocktime in morning to
do 986 dips with backbone for benefit of interior digestion. He would
measure self by Bertillon system by each hourly prompt. Then he would
feel strong & well, or else he wouldn’t. Vacation are nothing to laugh at
as if it was a jokes.
* * * * *
But Cousin Nogi are got so sinical he make Sneer-face at everything
including sacred subjecks & Tariff. Last night we go hear Prof. Matsuki,
Japanese hyjean, lecture-talk to Asiatick Y. M. C. A.
“Intellectual gymnasiums, together with nurshing food,” say Hon. Matsuki,
“have increased stature of Japanese nation 6 inches in last 10 years.”
Cousin Nogi deliver me one mean pinch by leg-joint.
“I shall give you a hit unless stop!” I dib for pain.
“Listen to them lecture what he say-it!” fatigue Nogi. “He-say each
Japanese by exercises & feed has grew 6 inches in 10 year-time. At them
rate they will all be 5 ft. 10 inches by 1918.”
“That are a nice patriotick average for me,” I surround.
“By keeping on with eat & gymnastus they will all be 6 ft. 10 inches in
1938. What, then, would keep all Japanese from being 8 ft. 10 inches
lofty in year 1978?”
“Nothing but laziness,” I repose for answer.
“The Japanese is aptly determined,” decry Nogi, showing satire by nose.
“If they use considerable Christian Science about growing up could they
not become physical sky-scrapes in time?”
“They might, but could they?” is answer for me.
“And what if they attained such a lofty?” locate Nogi with skeptick look
from Missouri, “would they be more smart if? Physical culture do not
make persons able to lecture on works of Browning and Chiropodes. Hon.
James Jeffries are a very physical cultured man, yet he can only lick one
person at a time. Hon. Napoleon, what was a brief man with a circular
stummick, could combatter 10,000 talented Germans by twist of his thumbs.”
“Yet Hon. Napoleon were finally a sick failure,” I announce for sighs.
“Of surely he were not!” dib that heated Nogi. “If he were a failure how
he got his nephew that high job in Roosevelt Cabinet?”
I am confused to answer.
Hoping you are the same, I am
Yours truly,
HASHIMURA TOGO.
XXIV
CAN HON. NORTH POLE BE DETECTED?
SAN FRANCISCO, August 26th.
_To Editor New York newspaper which shoots out Truth like a
soda fountain & serve it with very tasty flavours to all-kind
of humans._
DEAR SIR—I am bed-riding now, thank you, for illness of head. So sorry
I go Fresno last week to seek-it where work was to be got among Hon.
Grapes, but not for me. The weather had a temperament of 98° in shadow &
pretty soonly I am discovered enjoying a sunstrike by dusty road. “Poor
Japanese Boy!” collapse kind Mr. Jackson, who is a sweet philanthropy; so
he ship me backwards to this dear San Francisco and donate me $10 weekly
so long as I am sick.
On such a salary I shall be liesurely about getting well.
* * * * *
So here I are, Mr. Editor, once more again at Patriots of Japan Board &
Lodging, where I receive all Japanese and American friends who will be
polite guests & please not bring no more flours because my hon. bedroom
become stuffy with such fragral smells. Candy & light sandwitches,
howeverly, will be welcome day & night.
Cousin Nogi, Arthur Kickahajama, Uncle Nichi, Sydney Katsu Jr., Little
Annie Anazuma & Frank the Japanned Bootpolish make walk-in to my room
this morning to be a Tennis Cabinet for me. They bring golden thoughts,
but nothing more expensive.
“In Idaho & Colorado where ladies is compelled to smoke cigarettes
and act manly on election days,” say Cousin Nogi, “there Hon. Frank
H. Hitchcock will get elected by a unamerous majority because of his
beautiful eyes and hair.”
“He will be very popular in high schools, Vassars, etc., because of his
sweet expression,” olicute little Annie.
“Will such a expressions make him popular among campaign contributions?”
contribute Japanned Frank with steam-roller sniff.
My Hon. Friends then begin making talk all over my very sick bed with
awful feverish debats until I groan from hot brows, because I got a
sun-strike. Political conversation next turn to all-kinds tropickal
subjecks. Cousin Nogi mention Hon. Revolution in Honaduras; Japanned
Frank say-so that Hon. Cuba can’t never escape from Hon. Taft when he got
it; Uncle Nichi enquire to know if Rep Party will continue to be useless
about Philippine tobacco; and Little Annie Anazuma tell of paper-news she
read about hon. yellow fever enjoyed by Hon. Dirt Digs of Panama Canal.
I put hand to my boiled skull & collapse with gasps.
“You are a loud noise,” I liquidate. “When you come to bedstead of
a sunstruck person, why you all-time talk about politicks what are
happening all over Hon. Equator?”
“Would some breezy topick of conversations be more pleasant for such a
sun-strike?” enquire Uncle Nichi with farm-yard voice.
“Iced thoughts would be very nice for brain,” I dib with fan.
Then up say Arthur Kickahajama, missionary boy who will be a heathen 2
weeks more before vacation is over,
“I have got just such a cold topicks,” he-say. “Hon. Adm. Peary,
intemperate explorer on cold-weather boat _Roosevelt_, have started for
Swartzburger, Sweden, in hopes that he will discovery an entirely iced
Pole before it melts.”
“Thank you so much, Arthur Kickahajama,” I sigh-up for relief, “already I
feel some pleasant chills in my vertebral.”
“In his kitty of supplies,” say Arthur, “Hon. Peary have took 750
blankets of red flannel complexion, 100 grizzly-skin pajamas, 60 Tiny
Wonder gas-heaters, 7 tons axle-greeze to use as butter when starving &
20 doggy-sleys with limousine tops to keep off cold.”
“What are he going to North Pole for if he desire to keep off cold?” I
enquire with sun-stroke gasps.
“I am confused about it,” say Arthur. “Hon. Peary perform a interview
for N. Y. _Journals_ before depart. ‘Are you afraid of a freeze?’ Hon.
Reporter ask to know. ‘No, I are not,’ he reply for pride.”
“All Arctick explorers is entirely fearless about freezing in July,”
report little Annie Anazuma, who are a bright for her nine-year age.
“If a good detective should discover this Pole what would he discover?”
require Uncle Nichi, who is becoming educated in American telephones.
“He would discover considerable bad weather,” abrogate Nogi.
“Should a person go through such a pearil & danger to discover bad
weather?” say Uncle who can enquire if nothing else.
“It are the pearil & danger what makes all them furry gentlemans so
anxious to get it,” say Nogi. “If Hon. North Pole was in our back yard
who would care to have it?”
“I should like some chunks for headache,” I negligè with pained eyebrows.
“Polar discovery are a nice sport for Investigators,” devote Frank.
“What would they investigate at North Pole?” require Nogi for scorn. “Is
there some Grafts at North Pole? Have it got a Saloon Evil like Chicago,
or a Labour Trouble like Idaho, or a Railroad Problemb like Illinois, or
some Favourite Sons like Ohio, or a Musical Mayor like San Francisco, or
some Senate Undesirables like Washington? If Hon. Pole ain’t got no Hon.
Shames like them I mention it should be let alone. If it _have_ got such
a Grafts they must be nicely packed in ice where they will keep forever
unless disturbed. Why should a refined N. Y. gentleman travel all-way to
Latitude 0 for find some cold-storage graft when he can get it entire
year round in Philadelphia?”
“We ask to know!” collapse my Japanese Friends in unicorn & leave me
alonesome with my sick medicines.
* * * * *
Mr. Editor, as I continue enjoying sickness I got time to think about
important topicks in an entirely fooly way. I think about all them
American & English gentlemans what has seeked North Pole because they
was not tame enough to enjoy game of golluf and bridge-card. How much
more jollifying to go straggling for deathsome effort over dreer waists
of ice with full heart and empty stummick—how much more pleasant this
are than continually gollufing over the links with a retired cloak
manufacturer what can’t talk about nothing else besides roomatism & Marie
Corelli! When Hon. Arctick Explorer think of some persons he have left
behind his awful solitude become entirely cozy.
Mr. Editor, what nationality of human races has not enjoyed hunting for
Poles? Irish mans, Americans, Danes, Swedishes, all make rapid vi with
each other for this sport. Hon. Russian police is also fond of hunting
Poles, but them is usually of an entirely Jewish variety. Hon. Duke de
Bruzzi were unable, thank you, to observe the Hon. Pole to discover it;
but he recently discover America with a very matrimonial expression. Only
human nationalities which does not care about dashes to North Pole is
Hon. Niggers which is too lazy and Hon. Japanese which has got too much
sense.
Hon. Walter Wellman of Chicago discover Hon. Pole in a airship. Hon.
Magazines, Newspaper press, etc., all get delicious accounts about Hon.
Wellman’s discovery long-time before it happen, which was fortunate
because it never did. Great day of discovery arrive. “Are you ready,
Hon. Wellman?” require Hon. Photographer with Chicago accent. “Of sure
I are!” explode Hon. Wellman, who was without a daunt. “Then cut-it the
string!” say-all, and Hon. Airship arise to duzzy hight of 18 feet where
Hon. Wellman could see distinctly maglificant penorama of Arctick scenery
with nice fotos of Alice Boreas all lit up, which he send to Chicago
newsoffice with report, “I am sure Hon. North Pole are still over there.”
Then his airship descend down with a bursted stummick.
Since then Hon. Wellman have turned from Baloons to Bryan. He-say for
recent newspaper article: “Hon. Bryan will of sure get to White House by
a short cut.” If Hon. Bryan start to White House by Hon. Wellman windship
he might get there, but would he?
Mr. Editor, I have following poetick rapture because my head is sick:
Columbus say the World go roundy-round
Just like bisickel wheel do, day & night;
The Pole it are a Hub which move that ground
And are too busy, thanks, to act polite.
The Pole he got a quite important task
And must be enerjetick all he can;
He dib, “Get out!” when persons come to ask—
He hard to find like E. H. Harriman.