should be like a piano of upright build with some grand square
qualities. He should be the First Magistrate and also the
Principal Policeman in the kingdom. He should be good as he
are lonesome. He should treat all Trusts in a beastly manner
and uphold Truth & Justice so long as it do not hurt National
Prosperity. I shall do all these things, thank you, orders
promptly attended to, telephone service day & night. Also I
shall look just as much like Hon. Abe Lincoln as health &
strength will permit me to do it.
Hon. Bryan say:
A President should be like Hon. Theodore Roosevelt only more
so. Malefactors, etc., needs not cringe off from me for fearful
that I will burn up America when I am elected. Because I can’t.
A President are only a bluff. He don’t amount to a rolling-pin.
Hon. American Govt. are a system of checks & balances, so a
President are deliciously powerless when he wish to reform
it. I promise to be helpless as possible. Could I reform Hon.
Currancy from jaggy path of debochery by feeding him Gold Cure
or something? Ah no! What could I do with them naughty Currency
when Senator Alrich are tempting him away with rakish eye-wink?
To increase weakness of my position I am willing to consult
Hon. Vice-President on all matters of no importance and talk
kindly to him on National subjecks where common-sense are not
expected. I believe in deep breathing & outdoor exercise, but
I are cross about that woolley tariff of sheep and should be
insulted if offered a second term. Otherways I are willing to
act like a Majority on all occasions and what I think about
Brownsvill Affair are a matter of private conscience which I
refuse to discuss by advice of Hon. Campaign Manager.
Mr. Editor, I entertain some scolds for you. How sinful to ask them
there Hon. Candidates to write such opinions! When a man expect to be
a President do you expect him to tell the candied truth about what he
think of the job? When a man are nominate for Dog Catcher he are often
sly and deceptive before election—how then you expect a Nominee for Pres.
of the U. S. to make crystal speeches which might be saw through at once
and spoil everything? Nobody what are wistful about a job will tell exact
truth about what he think. If I ask for job of Hon. Window Wash at Mills
Bldg & Janitor Boss say: “Hashimura, told me transparently what you think
of this job”—what I answer for reply? I-say: “It are a very delicate
job of extreme fineness. It are a high-horse privilege for Japanese Boy
to be able wash windows for Hon. Mills. Though it require great skill &
couredge to shine such lofty glass pains, yet I flatten myself that I got
such a power more briskly than other Japanese Boys which is apt to be
laxy in sense of duty where it should be tightest. Hon. Janitor, I feel
myself unworthy of such a jobs, yet I know I ain’t. Therefore give it to
me because of merit.”
I say all them things, Mr. Editor, because I am a candidate for them high
post of Window Wash. Therefore I am prejudicial about it. But if Hon.
Janitor ask Cousin Nogi, who do not desire such a jobs because of his
lazy spine, what-say Cousin Nogi? He-say: “A Window Wash require some
muscles, but very little intelligence. Hashimura Togo are not safe to
stand on such a altitudes because he thinks poems; therefore if he gets
it he will swim off of 10th story window & burst his fooly neck.”
Hon. Taft & Hon. Bryan are too sympathetick with such jobs to talk
straight. Why not ask some gentlemans what never expects to be White
Housers to give view on Presidency? Hon. Hearst on “My Conception of the
Presidency” would be very bright & could get Hon. Brisbane to write it
for him. Hon. Alt. Parker, Hon. Patty McCarren, or Hon. John Wanamaker
would talk deliciously true & sinical. But do not ask Hon. Forker,
please, because he would write it “My Conception of the President” &
decuss other nigger problems which are no longer a delicacy.
* * * * *
I. Anazuma, Japanese barber, where I go for get my cheek whittled,
say-me: “Who could express such a conception about being a Pres., and not
lie about it?”
“I could,” is answer for me. “I am best befatted for such a talk because
I are entirely unsympathetick & not entitle to a white vote like Hon.
Booker Washington and other darks.”
“Why you no write such a conception for newspaper?” is snuggestion from
him.
“I are not yet requested,” is erupt from me.
“You are a modish violet,” is vocal from Hon. Suds. “Therefore say it
secretly.”
“If I was President,” I rake out, “I should be divided into 2 parts.
The ½ part of me should be radikal & kind of dangerous; but the other ½
portion should safely set upon the Constitution and keep it pressed.”
“Would such a double lives be decent?” commit Hon. Anazuma.
“In such high positions, yes,” I dabble. “A ideel Pres. of these U. S.
should be a cross between Theodore Roosevelt & Chester A. Arthur. With
one hand he should affectionately protect the interests of the People
while with the other he should be nice to the people of the Interests.
If it are necessary for him to be 2 places at once he must go there.
When requested he must attend a Idaho Miners’ Noyesy Barbecue full of
malice for them Hon. Malefactors; but he must not neglect a invitation
to Insurance Scandalous Banquet where he can set by Hon. Paul Morton and
talk like a Injunction.”
“So shocky!” say I. Anazuma with razor. “It are shamefully difficult to
shave such a two-faced Japanese.”
“In antique times of pagan Rome,” I dib, “there was a deliciously heathen
god named January who was able to look in 2 directions with a double
face. On one side he had a face like Hon. Judge Landis, on the other a
expression like Hon. Judge Grosscup. When malefactors of great wealth go
to Judge Landis side of them two-face idol they was filled with shivvers
because of their sinful rebates; so they crawl around to Judge Grosscup
side and was forgiven. But when malefactors of great poverty get in front
of them Grosscup face to make kick against Olive Oil Trust, they almost
went to jail for their crimes, so they hurry around to Judge Landis face
and was comforted to know that taking rebates from Harriman was sinnier
than taking silverware from a Soldiers’ Home.”
“I am delicious to know,” say Hon. Anazuma who are studying to be a Y. M.
C. A., “that them heathen idol January were bursted by hatchets of early
Christian parents.”
“He were finally bursted,” I rebuke, “but he last for several 1000’s
of year & were a nicely successful god. He were popular like a circus
for long lines of Hon. Politicians what wish to learn-how. What-say Mr.
Vergil, famous Roman poeter, about them god January? He-say, ‘Get there,
January!’ which have been a politickal motto every since.”
“Have that disgusting January got any temples in America?” require Hon.
Anazuma.
“In Pennsylvania State Capitol there is pagan pictures of Hon. Mat Quay
and other local gods,” I dib deceptively. “I shall not be wonderful if
portrait of Hon. January are grafted among nearly everything else in that
famous art saloon.”
“When you are President how you stand on publick ownership of R. Rs?”
require Hon. Barb.
“About publick ownership I are safely insane,” I report. “Publick
should be allowed to own R. R. gradually. With each Pullman ticket Hon.
Passenger might get a blue transfer which entitle him to 1 share R. R.
stock if he present it at office of Sec. of Agriculture 2,000,000 years
from date.”
“Would American people get such a ownership then?” ask he.
“What say Wm. Jenny Bryan about publick ownership?” I reject. “He-say,
‘Publick ownership of R. Rs must take place in eventual time,’ Them
2,000,000 years from date will be a ‘eventual time,’ won’t it not?”
“In 2,000,000 year what would American publick own?” are question for
Anazuma.
“At least they would own them blue transfer slips,” I renig with
deceptive expression of a Campaign Contribution.
* * * * *
Late Sunday P. M. Arthur Kickahajama give to me for Campaign Contribution
a live dog which is a Hon. Pup. It are a very infant mammal with a
emotional tail and cultivated by flees. Arthur rescue them Dog while
being kicked from a wharf by a educated gentleman who was drunk.
“It are a vulgar variety,” I snip for objection because I are nervous
about expensive food for such a dum friend.
“It may grow up to be refined,” say Arthur carelessly.
“What breed of Dog are it?” is next fuss from me.
“Not certainly sure,” say Arthur. “Hon. Strunsky who are a sport say ‘It
are a he-dog,’ so I suppose it are such a breed.”
I regard this Hon. Pup with thoughts. He throw me a very doggy gaze
& thump banzai on floor with his snubbed appendix. My heart become
soft-boiled with love. I can’t not turn a dog away in such a hot weather
when he are apt to be bit by a rabbi & get it. So I possess him by chains
and enjoy worry about his breed which are full of spots with a bursted
ear.
S. Wanda, Japanese Socialist, say he should be named “Tariff” because
he need revising immediately. Cousin Nogi announce, “He should be named
‘Injunction’ because he were kicked off a platform.”
“I shall not call such names to a mere dog,” I gratify. “Therefore I
shall chrisen him ‘O-Fido’ what was name of a famous Japanese grocer what
live happy for 1,000 year and died from being too joyful.”
So I got O-Fido in bedstead with me where he practise barks at Hon. Rats
all night till Japanese persons sleeping in this house can not do so &
report tearful complaints to Hon. Landlord who is a malefactor & say:
“You are a nusance besides 3-week remit with rent.” Moral of this is: Be
kind to them dum beasts & you will get paid off.
Yours truly,
HASHIMURA TOGO.
S. P.—Who will be the First Baby in the Land now that Quentin Roosevelt
have refused a Third Term? Little Charlie Taft are studying childish
pranks so he can hold them position of Publick Cuteness. Hon. Steam
Shovelers’ Union of Panama is first to give Hon. Taft a union card. Hon.
Steam Rollers’ Union should be ashamed of their slowness!
H. T.
XXI
HOW AMERICAN ADVERTISEMENT DOES IT
SAN FRANCISCO, July 28th.
_To Editor New York Newspaper who might know list of
peculiarities._
DEAR MR. SIR—Please to ask some of your customers who read that dear
paper to tell one necessary reply to poor Japanese Boy who is again in
condition of not working. Please ask them how best for cheap money I
can advertise myself as needing situation of employment at wash-dishes,
table-wait, being valet or teaching American language to Japanese or
German foreigners. I put in the following itemized appeal into San
Francisco newspaper-press:
WANTED—Japanese Schoolboy is earnest about something to do,
and can speeck Japanese or American while doing so. Can make
beds politely, cherish house-plants and assist cow or horse of
good family. I perform most difficult duties when confined to
kitchen and can persuade Pianola to go when excited. Answer it
immediately. Maybe that will be too late—Response, Togo, this
news.
That correspondence cost me price of $1.85 obtained by borrowing. I am
depressed about results and confused to think. This morning I see that
advertise in newspaper-press where I put it. But sakes of life! how
difficult to see it! I look in Wanting Column of this journal-paper and
find such disgusting number of persons was pleading for jobs and was
crowding all over that page saying so about it. Very few of these offered
to do such talented things like I did. And yet I was No. 114 in that list
of workers! It is very difficult for pride of Japanese Boy to read about
himself in such small print.
Of suddenly I enjoy one serious brain-thought. Advertising is one
beautiful national custom which Japanese Boy must learn before becoming
complete. It is habit of these U. S. persons to print statements of their
virtues and hand it around. In Japan when spring of love-time come along
persons deliver little lily-pad plants to doorstep and remind friends of
their aliveness. In these U. S. persons at approach of springtime deliver
advertisement-circular for same reason. Hon. Dr. Smith, dentist, leave to
doorstep of dear friend following card:
DO YOU ENJOY TOOTHACHE?
DR. SMITH PULLS TEETHS FROM EXPERIENCE
GET THE HABIT!!!
Each gentleman indulging in art or business do likesome to any extent.
Gentlemen wishing to succeed in poetry, plumbing, clergyman or eye-wash
medicine must put-in some kind of holler about it.
Landscapes is good for these decorations.
In travelling through American scenery by rail-car I can not interest my
brain-thoughts in birds & flowers because of large conversation which
persons has painted all over nature. By sweet runny-brook is sign-post
of fierce red to say, “Sizzo Table Water. It is Sufficient.” By grandeur
of top-mountain is reckless blue motto, “Circulation of _Daily Bazoo_ Is
Making Climb Up.” By lovely oat-patch is signature, “Mormon Oats—They
Chew Themselves.” Meadow of grass is full with gigantic hop-frogs,
aggrevated bottles, magnificent lady-corsets, etc., which eminent
American sculptors has cut out with saws. Nature is somewhere behind
these, but what is she doing? Maybe she is trying to grow.
Frequent professors say-so about American Indians talking with
sign-language. Is that it what I seen?
Sidney Katsu, light-thinking Japanese of considerable deceptiveness, say
to me of recent date:
“Hon. Togo, you hear what-about has happen to American battle-fleet?”
“Tell me to know,” I renig with excitement, because I am Japanese Spy.
“So much is them war-boats painted of white colour they will be used for
advertisements when approaching to China,” deliver this Katsu.
“Oh not to be possible!” I collapse, “what advertisement will be
decorated upon this patriotic navy?”
“Following words will there be painted upon each white-side boat,”
commute Katsu and show this card:
THIS FLEET IS PAINTED WITH
SNOWDRIFT ENAMEL PAINT
TRY IT ON YOUR BATH-TUB!!!
Shall I believe this calamity to American navy, Mr. Editor? I am
disgusted to suspect that fly-off brain of Sidney Katsu. Some one has
reached him to tell lying talk, American custom.
It is sinful to legal laws of America for poets, actoresses, politicians,
burglary and other authors to put-in advertisements about theirselves.
So it is difficulty for them. And yet they do it. How so? By becoming
so active that newspaper-print is irrisistable to talk about it. Maybe
actoress lose jewel-clasp. Burglary take it. She report as follows, “Oh
my!”
“What is difficulty of health, Hon. Madam?” require reporter gentleman
who is there.
“I have losed it my jewel-clasp,” she defy.
“Thank you for knowledge,” personify this Hon. Reporter, “While you are
speeching about, tell me of your marriages, please, as well as of other
family disconnections.”
So loud report of one column duration appear by next news-print. Maybe
lady noveletter name of Mrs. McGlinny come over to here from kingdom
of London with book by title “Three Months.” She enjoy great quiet,
thank you, for that length of time. At finally “Mothers of Rebellion,”
sweet-hearted collection of ladies, decry, “Come and speech before us at
dine-table, please.”
“So pleasant to do,” digest this Hon. Mrs. McGlinny. “I will speech of
what happened in them 3 months.”
“Oh, not to do!” abrupt them mothers. “We do not permit such talk before
husbands, please.”
“O considerably well!” dement Mrs. McGlinny, striking piano with angry
rage. Immediately she make rapid transit to newspaper press. Some talk
is made with reporter and by following morning the below headlines is to
appear:
SUCH HORRID BOOK!
IS “THREE MONTHS” THUS?
IT IS; AND WE WILL GIVE PRIZES TO PERSON
WHO READS IT LEAST
By next morning one thousand million copy of this book is entirely
exhausted and publisher is despondent because so fatigued.
From Boston I discover this communication which cover ½ page of
all-American newspaper:
“AMERICAN CITIZENS ARE YOU ALL-TIME FOOLISH? HON. ABE LINCOLN
SAY YOU ARE CONSIDERABLY SO. I AGREE TO THIS, THANK YOU! THEN
WHY YOU NO BUY STOCKS WHEN I TOLD YOU IT WAS? I ENQUIRE DID I
NOT TOLD YOU HOW STOCK MARKET WOULD DO SOMETHING SOON? IT DONE
SOMETHING. DID I NOT TOLD YOU AMALGAMATION OF COPPER WOULD GO
TO SOMEWHERE? IT FOLLOW THAT PROGRAM. THEN BOUGHT AS MUCH AS
CONVENIENT PLEASE, OR ELSE SELL OR DO SOMETHING!!!
“TAKE ADVICE FOR IT. YOU ARE IN FINGER-NAILS OF SHARKS. SYSTEM,
THAT HARD-EYE SYSTEM, WILL SQUEEZE, SQUEEZE TILL BLOOD-DROP
REFUSES TO ENJOY PAIN. THEREFORE, DO IT NOW!
“I WILL SPEECH ONE LAST WORD BEFORE SAYING MORE. ON AFTERNOON
OF FEB. 22 KEEP EYE-WATCH ON TICK-TOCK OF STOCK. IF NOTHING
HAPPEN THEN IT WILL BE POSTPONED.
“I OFTEN TELL YOU TO THINK. THAT WILL BE GOOD PRACTICE. PERSONS
ENJOYING WEALTH IS RECOMMENDED TO INVEST IT. PERSONS HAVING
NONE IS ADVISED TO KEEP IT.
“THOMAS W. LAWSON.”
This letter of correspondence is wrote by memory. Perhaps it is wrong in
places. I am often wonderful about this Hon. Lawson man. Is he running
for President or merely for fun? I ask to know.
So this American kingdom go rapidly with speed because of steam of
them advertising. American gentleman enjoys great smartness inside of
brain. He say “No use of doing nothing for nobody if nobody knows.” So
type-setting, bill-stucking, paint-drawing is done. Violets is permitted
to blush behind something in these U.S. They usually does this blushing
performance behind sign-board saying “50c per bunch.” If Hon. Lawson,
Hon. Bryan, Hon. Kipling can not get jobs of employment without some
advertisement, how can Japanese Boy do so? This question make me put in
that item of ideas to wanting-column of news.
Maybe it will be responded for. I am patient to hope.
Yours truly,
HASHIMURA TOGO.
S. P.—Labouring Unions of Pacific Coast decry with voice, “Japanese is
taking all variety of jobs from persons of white extraction.” Maybe so.
But I have not been very fortunate in this branch of Yellow Peril, thank
you.
H. T.
XXII
OLYMPUS GAMES AND INTERNATIONAL CEMENT
SAN FRANCISCO, August 2d.
_Editor New York Newspaper who are printed in several colours &
deliver to doorstoop of Japanese Schoolboy filled with bright
jokes & other serious thought._
MR. SIR—For objeck of putting cement on affectionate relations between
them loving relatives, America & Gt. Britten, there have been an entirely
worldly feet-race and amateur circus shot off in England & called Olympus
Games. Every branches of trapeez, handspring & strength exercises was
indulged in for friendly rivalry. As result of them friendly rivalry Hon.
Jim Bryce are enjoying some international strains in Washington, Hon.
Whitelaw Reid are sorry he ever became a Brittish subjeck and Congress
have ordered Hon. Hobson to build several _Dreadnothings_ and be quick
about it.
Never yet have I heard two respecktable temperance kingdoms using such
National League language upon each other without following some hostile
demonstrations by land & sea. O surely war must follow! Did not Mr.
Monroe in his famous Doctoring pledge to proteck American subjecks from
bunko & outrage on foren shore? Do not the great Maggie Carter, famous
document signed by King John, promus justice to all Brittish subjecks
not of Irish birth? Then why should not America & England enjoy some
more family splits? Why should not Adm. Thos. Lipton bring regatta of
war-boats into N. Y. bay & seize Y. M. C. A. Athletick Club as spoil of
war while America fleet are away shaking hands with Australia?
I require no answer.
Them Olympus Games are a great event for all Nationalities with excepting
of Japanese who is too civilized to enjoy such rude fights. Such games is
a considerable antique, for they was invented at Battle of Marathon in a
previous B. C. time. On them occasion a Grecian boy run 27 mile to get
away from Hon. Persians & was declare a champion by Honduras, mayor of
Athens.
This year it were decide to hold them Olympus games at England, because
English athletes can win nearly everything when surrounded by Brittish
sentiment with sufficient Police near to see that all rules is broken in
a quiet & orderly manner. Before Hon. Games was shot off Hon. Brittish
Athletick Committee set together for regulation of events. Following were
decide on by dignified majority:
1—English spirit of fair play must be visible everywheres. Hon.
Judge must be just to all nations so long as England are ahead.
2—When England are losing Hon. Judge can prevent this by ruling
Americans out of race for ungentlemanly conduct.
3—When American athlete are doing some up-jump exercises
British publick are warned not to assist him by courteous
remarks. When compelled to speak they will be permitted to say
“Boo!” “Obtain a horse!” or other wits of local flavour.
4—Since Hon. America has got a rawcuss voice several disputes
is bound to occur. So long as such fights is Parlamentry
& corteous, we do not objeck to it. Therefore we snuggest
following form of debate for all disputes:
_Hon. American Committee_—Why you dishqualify American run-man
from 400-meater race?
_Hon. Brittish Committee_—Because he are a fraud of
considerable professional trix. Also we suspect he murder his
mother in Omaha.
_Hon. Am. Com._—When you begin to suspect all them horble crime
against that young man?
_Hon. Brit. Com._—When he got 50 yard ahead of Brittish runner
in race.
_Hon. Am. Com._—Will you permit-it for Hon. America run-man to
race it again & show how swiftly he can?
_Hon. Brit. Com._—Answer is, No!! Because he could run several
footsteps better than Hon. Brittish run-man who would be beat.
It are slavish to be beat. Brittens seldom shall be slaves.
_Hon. Am. Com._—If our runs is the swiftest should they not
have the most medals pinned all over them?
_Hon. Brit. Com._—The race are not always for the swiftest,
Hon. Sir—not while Brittish gods are ruling Olympus!
5—After above dyelog rioting, cat-calling & other sports shall
be enjoyed & American athletes can go home or to any other
blazes they seen fit.
While attempting a slumber on couch of room Uncle Nichi & Cousin Nogi
come in & make a joint debate with loud voices, which is very carelus
about my health.
“Hon. London _Times_ decuss 400-meater-run in an entirely Christian way,”
corrode Uncle Nichi who lacks dog-sense like O-Fido. “Them great & pompus
news-print say: ‘It were a unfortunate incident—therefore it are closed.’”
“London _Times_ know-how to be nice to Americans on all occasions,”
explode Nogi. “She speak of 400-meater run like she speak of Revolutional
War & other uncleaned things.”
“America beat English in Revolutional War,” rasp Uncle for discovery.
“Of sure she did,” obligate Nogi, “but on them occasion she was the
home team. If such a wars had been fot on Brittish soil maybe Hon. Geo.
Washington would of been dishqualified for crowding Gen. Corn Wallace off
track. Facts of history is often shaved by such close razors.”
“Sport between such great nations should be gentle & just, whitewashed
with truth & free of grafts,” commute Unc.
“So should Christianity, Socialism & Hearst Independence Leg,” otter
Nogi, “but are they?”
“Them great kingdoms should meet in a amature spirit,” I gap, because
can’t sleep by racket.
“What you mean by ‘amature spirit’?” require Nichi.
“When Primrose Athletick Club & Telegraf Hill Wonders meet in vacated
lot to enjoy baseball, then amature spirit are observed,” say Nogi.
“Hon. Casey go to bat-stick. Some ball-throws is indulged for vain
clubbing. ‘Outside, please!’ yall Hon. Empire. ‘Liar, please!’ jacklate
Primrose Athleticks in unicorn. Language is thrown everywheres followed
by bat-sticks, grand-stands, etc., which is beaten upon skull until
intermission by Hon. Police.”
“And yet should civilized persons feel so bleed-thirsty about innocent &
friendly sport?” ask Uncle to know.
“More fraxures, murders, assault & batters, divorces & strangles is
caused by innocent & friendly sport than by jelousy, love, maniac, drunk
& any other branch of crime excepting of Life Insurance. Look on blotter
of Hon. Crime Court & see what blots appear there for following crimes:
Hon. Pat Sweeney, occupation brick-batter—crime, justifiable
homocide on innocent & friendly Umpire who decide against home
team. Discharged with honour.
Hon. Aug. Smutz, occupation German—crime, shoot and chop-up
best friend while try to teech him innocent & friendly game of
pinocle. Hanged because poor.
Hon. Archybald Smith, occupation Pickle Trust—crime, knocking
brains from a clergy with a mallet because he cheet in innocent
& friendly game of crokay. Saved by unwritten law & 6 weeks in
Mattywan with French chef.