crank-handle. O banzai! Whirr of angry rages from engine. Entire
fly-machine get palpitation to resemble rooster severed from its brains.
Irish man give shove, & complete bird-boat motor along ground on bisickel
wheels. More fast & more faster it go, kicking up pebbles in frantick
enjoyment, some time rising to astonishy hight of ¼ inch, now & yet
bumptious to large stone and appearing anxious to fly, but not sure how;
till of suddenly it make very restful flop against fence-post & stop
desiring to continue.
Loud shouting from all Airo Clubs present.
“I ask to know,” I require, “for why does all make such pagan noise of
gladness?”
“For following reason,” decrop one Professor, “because aireal navigation
are solved.”
“All airships is modeled to resemble some kind of birds,” I say for
interview. “Some to resemble sparrows, some to resemble hawk—what species
of birdy are this fly-boat modeled to resemble?”
“It are modeled to resemble a ostrich,” say Hon. Airnot, picking up some
fingers he lost.
“But a ostrich are not able to fly,” I snuggest.
“Neither are this airship,” say Hon. Airnot in whispering voice so as U.
S. Govt might not overheard.
So all sujurn to Airo Club banquet with exception of Hashimura Togo &
Hon. Irish which was not invited. We set together on grassy hill for
slight conversation about human progress.
“Of surely, Mike,” say Irish with smoke-pipe of dangerous shortness,
“airshipping are a grand sporty.”
“It are still a low-down science,” I mangle.
“Why a package of fools should do it, I am willing to be searched,” he
dib. “They spend 1,000’s of dollar to make such a mechanical rooster
what we seen this afternoon. They work for 2 year to nail it together,
they hire famous Airnot from Kansas City, they get names in paper &
all Science must stop thinking about serious things because they are so
excited. Then great day arrive. All ready—_whoof!_ $6,000 air-boat make
flopping emotion and go bust by fence-post. Everybody happy to go home &
construpt more airboats.”
“Great things of World are built in them way,” I corrode for dignity.
“Southern Pacifick Railway were not built in them way, you can bet it,”
say Irish.
“It will be a cheap way to travel in future,” I nudge.
“It are not cheap way to travel in present,” decry that Hon. Irish. “By
counting up all axidents, break-ups, refusals to go, unwillingness to
stay up when started there, etc., it are computed by Scientists that
airships has cost $1,000 for every yard they has flew through air.”
“Such an expensive car-fare!” I derange.
“Rates like them should be regulated by Congress,” negotiate Hon. Irish,
collecting together fractional pieces of airship what was strewed apart
over hillside.
* * * * *
Arthur Kickahajama, missionary boy, are being a heathen awhile this
summer because it are vacation, and because his derby was thieved by
somebody at a Church Sociable. Missionary lady say him, “Arthur, you
should be a sunshine.” He-say, “Too much sunshine creates headache. I
think I shall put up a umbrella for a temporary time.”
Therefore Arthur are very sinical & pessimons when he speak of air
navigation & human races.
“Airships,” say Arthur, “are like souls of people. There are continuous
talk about elevating human race; but alarmingly seldom does souls get far
enough off the ground to create much disturbance.”
“Some souls is like baloons,” I mitigate. “They has lofty tendencies,
they are filled of gas. They go up & stay there where it is.”
“It are easy to be ideal like a baloon,” say Arthur. “But it are hard
to be ideal like a airship. To go up on lofty thought & stay up there
floating around without getting nowhere, that are job what lots persons
do & say, ‘O my, I are so High Mind!’ But to go for trip in high air
& know where you will arrive at—_that_ are job for seldom and rare
individuals. Such toply navigators can discover North Pole and become
familiar with stars. They are not baloonists—they are Poets....”
“Poets are continually getting bumped to Earth,” I indulge.
“Excuse me so,” say Arthur, obtaining cigarettes from me, “when not a
Christian I am a free-thinking Japanese.”
“When thinking freely you are most relidgous,” I commute.
* * * * *
So we close up by singing of following song-sing which sound very
peculiar to musick of samisen, which is a Jewish harp made in Yeddo:
_CONVERSATION BETWEEN A JAPANESE POET AND A TOMMY HAWK-BIRD_
O KO-KO SAN
O SUKI-RAN
HASHIMURA ICHI-BAN!
BUN-BUN!
In sufficiently old-fashion time
Of Japanese history,
When Adam & Eve was considered late,
Bashi-Bashi, great Poeter,
Was a-laying near stream in Hokadate.
Drowdy song of hum-bee
Was seen going around
Stinging sweet flower for honey.
Hon. Bashi-Bashi were full of considerable lazy poetry.
Pretty soonly
A Tommy Hawk-bird come flattering by & perch on lim of tree.
“I wish I could flew away like a Tommy Hawk-bird,” say Bashi-Bashi,
because he was a Poet.
“Why you wish it?” require them fowel.
“Because,” say Poet with music,
“As I was a fly-high animal like you,
Then I might go
To Emperor of Japan
And get some salary.
Then I might fly to lettuce-window
Of love-lady
And decry,
‘Have Bashi-Bashi, Japanese poeter, got some chances with you?’”
“Such a ha-ha!” salute them Hawk-bird,
“I have flew around for years,
And never did no such thing.”
“What you did with them power to flew?” requite Poet.
“I use it,”
Say Hawk-bird,
“For respectable purpose;
I are a married Tommy hawk—
What would wife & eggs say,
If I was seen flewing around strange lettuce-windows
With a voice full of sonnets?”
No reply for him.
“I have also fly to Emperor of Japan,”
Say Hawk-bird.
“What he say?” demand Poet.
“He-say, ‘Shoot them Hawk
For stealing roosters
From Royal Coop!’”
O KO-KO SAN
O SUKI-RAN!
Bashi-Bashi lay silently
Near water-cress of silverous stream.
“Things what persons need,” he-say,
“Can be obtained by walking for them, or taking bisickel, or else
they are not to be had nohow.”
Then he go sleep,
Filled with lazy poetry.
Mr. Editor, all human races wants something. They are going for it
with steamboat, automobile, rail-train. Next they are after it with a
fly-boat. I hope you will let me know when they finds it.
Yours truly,
HASHIMURA TOGO.
XIV
THE CONVENTIONAL MEETING OF REPS IN CHICAGO
SAN FRANCISCO, June 15th.
_To Editor New York Newspaper which are a good advertising and
spiritualistick medium about proper subjecks, but must not
mention pat. medicines because of doped results._
ASTEAMED SIR—It are not merely Japanese alone which is surprised &
excited over Rep National Convention meeting in Chicago. All-coloured
persons is stimulated by it including Hon. Strunsky, Irish salooner by
corner.
“It will be very august assembly,” corrode Hon. Strunsky by beer-glass.
“It will be June assembly in newspapers,” I devote. I am suspicious of
something humoristick by American eye-wink from that Strunsky.
“Them Rep National Convention will be like a whale-fish,” he persume.
“Why will it be so whalish by nature?” I ask to know.
“Because of,” he-say. “It will be very large, very cool and full of
spouts.”
“Are it not wrong politick for Republicans to be so fishy?” I am next to
require, but Hon. Strunsky become busy with intemperate customers.
Newspaper reading of press makes all Japanese Boys feverish of mind
about such Conventions which are representative and something else.
Presidents is manufactured & pulled apart by such a Conventions. Are it
not instructiverus for Japanese Boys to learn how to do such things with
Presidents? So we have such a Convention for ourselves & trade pretty
numberous thoughts to-gether in dine-room of Patriots of Japan Board &
Lodging. Many ideas are burst by this.
Bunkio Saguchi, Japanese taylor, sound keynote to say,
“I represent a violent Tafty sentiment; therefore I should be interrupted
by cheers.”
This are arranged from all.
“I make an emotion,” discourse this Bunkio, “that Hon. Taft be named by
exclamation.”
“We are eager to make Tafty exclamations,” rotate F. Matsu, “but Hon.
Roosevelt must be nominated first by request.”
“Hon. Nox are more safely Pennsylvanian to vote for,” erupt W. Furo who
are a humourist because of his lame mind.
Arthur Kickahajama, missionary boy, say-so, “Tarified statesmen must
stand patsy, resulting in pius victory for Jo-uncle Cannon. He are a
splandid Lincoln Republican because of.”
“Because of which?” transfer Nogi.
“Because of sentimental whiskers,” dally Arthur.
“You are a Favourite Son,” say Nogi, who is expert in mean curses.
More insults is enjoyed. Then there is hits followed by jiu jitsu.
Chair furniture is smashy to window including text-book & Japanese
break-a-brack. Intermission by Police.
Japanese Boys Rep Convention adjurned _sine diet_.
* * * * *
“O what is so scarce as a day in June?” require to know Hon. Seth Lowell,
American poeter. Answer to this is, “Republican Convention in June are
still more scarcer.” It will of surely be a nice weather-condition for
Chicago in June to have all them assorted minds going assimulusly in
middle of Lake Shore. All sections of Chicago, which are not already
occupied by Mayor Busse, will be full of Hon. W. Taft. Flags bunted
everywhere with thrills. Patriotism enjoyed by all.
[Illustration: “Loyal sons of same fairish land parading under banner of
the Nice Old Party with placards to show how harmonious they feel”]
Since great World’s Fire of 1898 Hon. Chicago have not saw anything
outside of Hon. Stockyards so beautiful & talented. If you got some kind
of brain, Mr. Editor, imagine with it! Imagine 992 desperate statesmen
which has all signed the pledge to vote for something, then approach
together for purpose. Could eye-flash be omitted, could heart-sob be out,
could speeching with voice be neglected for such occasion? Answer is,
No! Put imaginative opera-glass on them great Congregation. East & West,
North and some sections of South, hit together in firm bond of union with
common devotion of patriotick thought, “Let us see Chicago and go home!”
Loyal Sons of same fairish land parading under banner of the Nice Old
Party with following placards to show how harmonious they feel:
“We Want Teddy.”
“We Don’t.”
“Hon. Fairbanks is Tall & Fair.”
“Hon. Nox is Short & Ugly.”
“Hon. Cannon is a Big Boom.”
“Hon. Cannon Are a False Report.”
“We Want Senator Forker.”
“We Want Rockefeller—But We Can’t Have Him.”
“A Close Shave for Gov. Hughes.”
“Hon. Taft Will Put Down the Trusts.”
“Hon. Cannon Will Put Them Down More Gently.”
“Roosevelt Forever!”
“It Looks That Way.”
Mr. Editor, if you can imagine them things it will not be necessary for
you to buy ticket to Chicago. And yet them Convention will be a great
service to see because so much of. Every State in this Hon. Union will
be misrepresented by some great man or another. Oftenly two or three
statesmen will do this. Brains will enjoy fatigue from enormous Thought.
Prominent druggers of Chicago will get some permits to sell headache
powders to Delegates before & after speeches. When nothing else seem
important the Hon. Band will play Star Spangly Banner (national tune) and
Hon. Delegates will play Poker (national game). Excitement will never lax.
Little Annie Anazuma, eight-year-aged daughter of I. Anazuma, Japanese
barber, are excited about them Convention because she have a conventional
mind.
“I read by papers, Uncle Togo,” she-say, “that Republican Convention will
spend $3,000 for music.”
“Musical chins is expensive,” I deploy.
“Tell me to know, Uncle Togo,” she submit, “what are a Temporarial
Chairman about which so much reading is done of lately?”
“A Temporarial Chairman are a musician hired to toot key-note for such a
Convention,” I arrange.
“What will be key-note of Republican Convention?” require that childish
Japanese.
“You are too young to imagine,” I collapse. “There must be 47 key-notes
to please all variety of Republicans.”
“Such a chairman should be a brass band,” signify little Annie.
I am silent for reply.
“Why are Senator Borrows called ‘Julius Cæsar’?” are next question for
that infant mind.
“Julius Cæsar are name of antique Statesman who was stabbed,” I berate.
“Will Hon. Borrows enjoy such a stabbing?” she talk off.
“Possibly never,” I derange. “Hon. Borrows will resume Hon. Chair as a
very much instructed Delegate. He are instructed to look patriotick, but
not to act too nervous about it. He must not do nothing to stampede them
Convention. A room full of Delegates are like a yard full of mule-horses.
They are shy about sudden noises. They have animal natures. They are very
anxious to enjoy a stampede. If Hon. Temp. Chairman say ‘Roosevelt!’
of sudden with voice, then such kick-over, snort, hoof-tramp, squeal &
panderonium might ensue that Hon. Roosevelt might be nominated before
Hon. Fire Dept. could burst in & put out enthusiasm of with wet hoses.
Temp. Chairman must arouse Republicans in soothing sort of way. He
are allowed to mention patriots of Bunko Hill; but about San Juan Hill
nothing to said. American Colonial History are nice thing for such
occasions.
“‘Patriots & Senator Penrose,’ would be quiet sort of beginning. ‘What
happen on bleak New English coast by several centuries of past-time? Hon.
Plymouth Rock was discover by boat _Mayflower_.’
“(‘Several cheers for Presidential Yacht!’ outcry California Delegate
with stampeding motion of thumbs.)
“‘Pilgrim Parents grew that Rock and we can prove it,’ delude that Hon.
Temp, ‘and Republican Party are deliciously like them Plymouth Rock,
emblem of free & brave, beautiful American ideal covered with moss and in
garments green indistinct in the twilight. Quotation from Longfellow——’
“(‘Our ticket, Fairbanks & Longfellow!’ say voice from Indiana.)
“‘Plymouth Rock have stood stationary for 1,000’s of year and refused to
move itself for nothing or nobody. That are a very dignified lesson for
Republican Party to stand on.’
“(‘Banzai for Cannon & Fort!’ decry voice with New Jersey accent.)
“‘Plymouth Rock are a silent tribute of strength. One safely sane
Republican President should be such a silent tribute. What say Hon. Dan
Webster about Presidential candidates? He-say, “A roaring stone pleases
no boss.” Therefore let us do nice job by Republican faith, a faith what
is builded on stones of ancestors and rocks of Wall Street.’
“(Faint shrieking of ‘Teddy!’ from uninstructed Arizona delegate.
Stampede repressed by fire-drill.)”
“Are Hon. Cæsar choice of Administration?” enquire little Annie.
“So sorry to reply,” I dement. “Hon. Beverage are more sweethearted to
Hon. Administration, but patriotick Senators say he are too intemperate
with talk.”
“Prohibition Republicans is opposed to all Beverages,” abrogate little
Annie, resuming doll-play of childhood.
* * * * *
Hon. Taft got back shortly ago from Panama Canal where he was sent to
study Republican Majority. He are now nervous about a trip to Philippine
Islands where he is anxious not to be needed till after Convention
have got through with him. Hon. Taft do not seek no nomination, but he
are willing to occupy address where he can be found if looked for.
Philippine Islands is too distant for such modesty. If duty called Hon.
Taft to such farness away, I bet my bootware he would hear duty making
race-riot in Chicago during middle of June.
Hon. Taft are largest Policyholder in Roosevelt Insurance Society. He
will be nominate so easily that it appear deceptive. I know because I am
aware. I am sometimes full of rejoice that I have not got a ticket for
that Hon. Convention because it would be a tired thing to set for 5-day
race in them Convention Hall to hear something happen what you know is
arranged in advance.
* * * * *
Mr. Editor, newspaper-press of all-coloured politicks has enjoyed
considerable agony about White Shadow of Administration hovvering over
them Convention.
I presume of my knowledge that Hon. Roosevelt are setting in them Light
House at Washington suffering from pains in laughing-bone. He hear them
Malefactors nervously chattering teeth about III Term, he are conscious
about excitement from Subsidized persons which looks over shoulders for
fearful of More of It; he are aware of very solidified O-Hio curses with
instructions to Look Out.
But Hon. Roosevelt, setting in barber-chair at Light House, are smoking
smoke and carving on deathly end of Big Club following instructions,
“_To be Preserved in Alcohol until Needed in 1912._”
“You have been President once and ½,” say Jacob Riis from press chair.
“Of sure I have,” say Hon. Pres., “and I gave American audiences a very
nice performance.”
“Every good performance deserve an encore,” admire Hon. Riis.
“I have been hunting them for several year,” say Hon. Roosevelt for
parlayzed expression of thought. “And many of them are still alive &
savage.”
“What you speak of,” enquire Hon. Riis, “them Trusts?”
“No,” renig Hon. Roosevelt, “them Bears.”
“What else to do when all is over?” require Hon. Jake.
“I shall go to Wales and hunt rabbits.”
“Why such distances away?” derange him.
“Wales is nice country for rests. In Wales they do not know a rebate from
a rabbit.”
After this is loud scratching from pencils.
Hoping you will send me a free wire telegraf if Hon. Roosevelt gets
elected by mistake,
Yours truly,
HASHIMURA TOGO.
XV
AMERICA’S BANG UP CEREMONY
SAN FRANCISCO, June 30th.
_To Editor New York newspaper which act grand to my
hummbelness._
DEAR MR.—I am a familiar case. Therefore permit me to ask one humour
reproach about something very mixed which are going to happen to these
U. S. July 4th are it. This ceremony have occur so oftenly to America
that persons should be used to it. Persons is mostly able to get used to
whatever happen in eventual time. Japan have gradual became innocule to
hon. beri-beri, which are a fine disease, if you must have one. Hawaii
islands also feels ditto about lepordsy, which are regarded a pretty
custom among natives who got it. China are used to opium-smoke, England
are used to Parliament. Then why-so these America never get used to July
4th? I ask to know.
Answer is this: She never will! She think may-be-so she might, when
something discouridge occur. By July 4th morning she take some nervous
medecine to soothe it. She feels strongly better. Joyful pops in
distance. “Ha!” she say for bluff, “I am vaccinated with gunpowder,”
Louder and more smashy become fusileer of bang-bang musick until some
fraxures bust to window. Then silences. “Heavenly praise!” say Hon.
America, “in another minutes I should do a scream.” Of suddenly large
curl of smoke are saw, then roof-afire followed by chicken-yard blazes.
Local hook-corps come with hose in time to rake together ashes of sweet
home & fireshade. Then Hon. America forget calm resolve & enjoy some
hysterick.
Sydney Katsu Jr., who are my affectionate chumb, make a humoristick
remark when I tell him this parabula about Hon. America. He say, “Hon.
America can’t no more get used to July 4th than she can get used to Hon.
Roosevelt.” I hope you will convulse yourself with this joke, because it
sound very delicious in Japanese.
I enquire of some frequent Americans why-so it are necessary to blow up
America once annually to make them patriotick. I am replied by snickkers
from many. Yet others indulge me with following answer: “We must make
considerable Jar in order to remind us of American Flag.” So fooly
excuse! Do Hon. Japan have to blow herself up once annually in order to
remind her of that dear sun-banner? Answer is, No!! When Hon. Japan wish
to remind herself of Japanese Flag she go blow up Hon. Russia, which will
do pretty well.
By last July 4th, while roming up San Francisco for silent reflecion
on patriotism, etc., I am shook around by Port Arthur explosions from
all direction. It were as if Hon. Inferno had got away & was scratching
himself with thunderbolts. Please imagine it. Popcorn sounds from small
firework was aggrevated by occasional intense jar of mammal torpedo. At
corner of St. I seen one intelligent American laddish boy age 9 a-blowing
on dynamite fuse to make her go up.
“Before finishing yourself,” I snuggest with kind face, “please told me
why you wish make such an explode.”
“Because of Revolutional War,” surrogate them tiny child.
“Do firecrack blow-up give you some intelligent instructions about
Revolutional War history?” I request for answer.
“Of sure it do!” declaim them kidly youth procuring flames from matchbox.
“If you can bang yourself wise,” I dally, “please name 8 generals what
faught with Hon. Washington at Valley Forges.”
“Name them yourself,” say them child, “can’t you be able to see how busy
I are?”
And when he thusly say-it all them firework burst up & he are blowed to
ambulance. I was sorry to seen such sweet child rumpled by fireworks, so
I go hunt Hon. Parents of him & say following for tearful eye,
“Dear sir, I explain it that your child are considerably bursted.”
“Boys will be boys,” say Hon. Parents for Christian Science expression.
“Boys will be angels when not careful,” I relapse with Red Cross eyewink.
* * * * *
I got personal trouble sufficiently without July 4th to come & add some
weariness. My uncle Nichi, Japanese carpenter of Yeddo, have arrive
to S. F. for a very stretched visit. He are a entirely jay Japanese,
considerably neglectful of American pant & vest, so he stick by kimono
which should be ashamed. I fix a nice derby hat on him, which is
fashionable, yet I can seen persons make snickker-lip when he pass-by.
American derby annex to Japanese kimono are nice symbol of modern Japan.
It appear quite hellish.
Should I drop Uncle Nichi like a nusance? Ah no! I must retain him
reverently because he are a ¼ cousin to my ancestor. Therefore I
entertain him to beer-ceremony at saloon of Hon. Strunsky, Irish
patriot. Uncle Nichi think beer should be served in a cup & saucer.
He-say this kingdom give him musical ears & a brain-ache.
“Were America discover by axidents?” he enquire to know.
“Almost entirely,” I congratulate.
“With care it might have been avoided,” emit that oldy man.
“Hon. America were discover by Mr. Columbus, July 4, 1776,” I say for
slight bore of tone.
“Tell me everything,” attack Uncle Nichi, who expect to stay here
indefinitely.
“On them date I said it,” is further from me, “Hon. Columbus approach to
Boston with iron fleet. To assist him was Gen. Washington & Gen. Grant,
both nice fighters and anxious to get into American history. Pretty
soonly they seen monument of Bunco Hill & there—beholt it!—was Brittish
troop with flag by command of Gen. Corn Wallace——”
“Excuse me to interrupt,” degrade my ¼ ancestor. “If Hon. Columbus
discovery these U. S. first what was Brittish troop doing there already?”
“Most schoolboys is familiar with story,” I dib with proud cigar. “So I
may proceed, thank you. Hon. Columbus land to shore with blue-jacky &
quick-fire ammunition. ‘You must fight us, please,’ he-say to Brittish
troop. ‘O no, not to do!’ they renig with accent, ‘We must not fight on
July 4th because it are a legal holiday,’ Therefore Hon. Columbus ship
them Brittish troop to Niagara Fall & declare these U. S. an entirely
free kingdom.”
“And next what?” surrogate Uncle Nichi wakefully.
“And nextly Hon. Washington go to Pittsburgh where he was crowned
President & Gen. Grant go Appotomax where he last all summer.”
“And what happen to Hon. Columbus?” corrode Unc.
“He go back to Spain where he was lynched,” I collapse.
“So July 4th have been occurring regularly ever since?” he ask it.
“With regular explosions,” I narrate.
“Firecracks are an invention of the devil,” twitch Uncle Nichi for
superstitious look.
“They are an invention of the Chinese,” I retard, “and that may be quite
similar.”
“Most crimes can be traced to China,” say Nichi for racial prejudice.
“So July 4th will arrive presently,” I make known.
“How shall I know when it is came?” he ask to know.
“How can you miss it?” I bewail.
“Please relate 25 or 30 noble instances of American patriotism,” begin
Uncle Nichi, but I am able to delude him away for care-fare ride price
10c.
* * * * *