Why did all patriotic persons
Make such elaborate hand-clasp
With red automobile
And other National emblems
When Hon. Eugene Schmitz
Broke jail?
What did he done in jail
To give him such cleanly reputation
In them few months?
“Cluck! Cluck!”
Modulate them demented species of Duck,
“It is surprisingly useless to deposit Hon. Grafters in jail.
Because for reason:
If a person is a great enough Grafter
To go jail,
Then he must be great enough Grafter
To get out.
San Francisco is excited about Local Talent.”
Thus saying it, them April Foolish Bird
Make a noise like Emma Goldman
And flatter away
In direction of Boise City, Idaho.
Hoping you are sufficiently discouraged,
Yours truly,
HASHIMURA TOGO.
S. P.—From daily print I see it how one tame sculptor of Utah have cut
out one famous statue called “Monument to Gulls.” This to be stood up in
Salt Lake City. Would not such a monument look more sentimental in Wall
Street? I require no answer.
H. T.
XI
EDUCATION IN AMERICAN LANGUAGE
SAN FRANCISCO, April 10th.
_To Fashionable Creator of Newspaper Talk._
DEAR MR.—When first time your printer put-in my letter I am so happy
I feel very discouraged to write more. “Banzai! I shall make literary
career of myself!” This shout from me. Literary writing must be good job
for all Americans not fit for honest work. I am understood to be told
that Hon. Jack London receive for price from 15c to 20c for each word he
make. This is so very easy way it appear deceptive. How should I prosper
in such a Graft! At 20c for each word how happy for Japanese Boy! By
early morning I should go to fashionable American restaurant and require
of Waiter, “Hon. Sir., deliver to me 1 plate ham & 2 eggs, please!” This
would be the number of 12 words @ 20c per word—therefore bringing me the
price $2.40! Breakfast might cost 75c, Waiter might require 25c to tip
himself, yet Waiter must still owe Japanese Boy $1.40, which is balance
of $2.40 for them 12 words I said.
Immediately I became great Author in my brain-thoughts. I make running
stampede to publick Library and read “12th Night,” by Shakespeare of
England and “Friday the 13th” by Lawson of Boston, so as to learn both
ends of the American language. I learn considerable extinct vocabulary
from both of these gentlemen, then I set down with ink-stand to write 1
letter to you.
It is not equal to human justice, Mr. Editor, that you send me $4.34 in
postage stamps as reply payment to this. What to do with these stamps?
217 2c postages require considerable correspondence to get away from. To
waste these postages I have wrote following correspondence:
1. To New York Newspaper already 10 letters which you know of.
2. To Uncle Hashimura of Kobe, 6 letters of painful truth.
3. To Miss Alice Furioki, pleasant lady of yellow extraction,
13 letters on sweetheart subjects.
4. To Pres. Roosevelt, King Edward, F. Augustus Heintz & Eugene
Schmitz 48 total letters.
These make all together 77 stamps used up. Therefore I have got remaining
in my pocket 140 stamps, many of which is ruined by wear. In next payment
for my literary letters would you be so regardless as to make reply
in nickel-pieces? These moneys is small, but very good for Japanese
education. Thanks so many!
If I could get good job somewhere writing novel-books I would learn this
American language, which is hard thing to do because so full of words.
American gentlemen I have speaked to employ the 2 following kinds of
conversation:
1. Kind what is discovered in Dixionary book.
2. Kind what is not there.
In Dixionary of Hon. Noah Webster there contain 26,000 language-words
to talk. It took this gentleman lifetime to do so. To speak American
language it is necessary to learn them 26,000 natural words, which I have
did, thank you. But it is useless to try so hard because Elsewhere-words
is commonly used for conversation. Where must Japanese Boy go to obtain
such talk?
My cousin Nogi explain this answer. He say that Elsewhere-words
of American mans is called “Slank,” which means
“talking-with-words-that-is-found-here-and-there.” Dixionary talk is good
for church sociables, high-schools, and professors; Slank talk is good
for riots, prize-fighting, newspapers, colleges, and all kinds of energy.
Both are good ways to know.
Frequently in walking about sidewalk I hear gentlemans cry, “24 for you!”
This is signal for great laugh which all do. I can not tell when to, so
I do not. What then is so humoristic about this number “24”? Would not
number 12 or number 14 do equally fine for laughing purposes? I require
to know.
Lemons, too, is comic fruit for Slank-talking persons. Joking-gentlemans
deliver these lemon fruit to each other for holiday gift. It is insulting
not to laugh when this is done.
To-day I speak to Hon. Mr. Strunsky, Irish gentleman, about Hon. W. J.
Bryan, late President of these Uniteds State.
“Where has he fell to?” I require for answer.
“This Bryan man is dead one,” report Hon. Strunsky.
“So sorry—I shall wear mourning for this good man,” I reject.
“Tall timber is place for you,” resume this Strunsky man with laughing
eye.
“So sorry not to do,” I say back, “because forest is far distant from
great city.”
“Then pursue self around this block, Hon. Togo,” he compel. I do so,
thank you. But while exercising I stop with abrupt brain-thought. Them
words of Mr. Strunsky was less Dixionary talk than Slank talk! Tell me,
Mr. Editor, how should I translate them conversation of Strunsky into
Japanese?
It is disadvantage of American language that gentlemen cannot be
insulting to each other without some impoliteness. One gentleman meet
some other gentleman at saloon-corner. Making step-up to each other one
gentleman explain,
“You are a pill!”
Immediately following noises are enjoyed:
1. Night cry.
2. Broken property.
3. Approach of ambulance.
4. Silence.
In Japan, among top-classes, trouble is enjoyed more peaceably. Suppose
Count Noku desire to have insult with Baron Obi. They shall meet at
lunch, thank you, to talk this. They first disgust their appetites with
tea, cigarettes, Japanese ginger-snaps, conversation. Finally at last
Count Noku say to Baron Obi,
“Esteemed & high-horse Samurai, would you care to have insult for me?”
“Magnificent Count,” say this Obi, “it is your exalted privilege to
insult me.”
“Thank you for the benefit,” say this Noku, “I will do so.” And so saying
this he pull one hair from head of that Obi.
“Ouch, thank you, I am insult!” retort Baron Obi. Following this there is
quiet hara-kiri with table-knife.
At food-stand of Mr. Swartz I often lunch there for economy. Best
nourishment may be obtained for 5c by ordering 3 sausages from
Frankfurter Germany with slice of toast.
Yesterday I go as customary to this. As customary I say, “Give me the
same, those 3 sausages from Frankfurter.”
And Mr. Swartz, turning to cookeryman, cry with voice:
“Hot-dog!”
Therefore I must not eat them food because it is cannibalism. If Mr.
Swartz is not speaking Slank talk, then he should be sent to prison for
Pure Food Laws.
You may see, Mr. Sir., how it is not safe to go around in this U. S.
without sufficient Slank words. Japanese schoolboys might be poisoned
by eating something which is Slank for something else. To example this
danger, my cousin Nogi say how Hon. Casey of Labouring Union is “a
lobster.” I am very fond to eat lobster, but I should disgust to eat this
Mr. Casey.
I have been collecting them Elsewhere-words all day and have congregated
quite a cluster of Slank talk which I shall put into Dixionary for
Japanese Schoolboys. I am very excited when I think of this vocabulary. I
have arranged many of them raggle-time speeches into following poetical
thought which I was misfortune enough to sent with 2c postage to Miss
Alice Furioki, lady I tell you I was engaged to marry with:
_LOVING SENTIMENT EXPRESSED IN AMERICAN LANGUAGE_
How do I stand in relation to you, O Peach?
Is Japanese Boy A. no. 1 or twenty-third in line for your misbehaving
eyes?
Peek-a-boo, I am on the wink,
I am batty in thoughts,
Also insect-house, because my heart is mashed!
It would JAR you to know!
Do not give me the refusal on neck,
Do not see me with glass-eye.
Or present frost-mitten with cod-fish expression,
O exquisite one; O tootsy-woot,
O Pansy.
Must I remain infinitely distant among waving of Tall Grass?
Or must I get more closer, more cozy-corner,
More next?
Can not this Japanese be candy-boy for you,
Sure-thing, bet-your-life, O joy?
To be Johnny-on-dot for you,
To pay steady car-fare (when possible)
This would be ticket for Girl Proposition.
Such a cheese!
On the death, are you giving me some string,
Are you hot-airing me?
How about waiting at church?
Will it be yet, if not soon?
I require for answer
As p. d. q. as possible, O Fluffy Ruffles—
Otherwise
No wedding gong for Japanese Boy!
These answer from that lovely Japanese come back by gallop response:
DEAR SIR—Your poetry in Swedish language is here, thank you to
understand. I shall ask Hon. Mrs. Johannessenn to translate
this, if respectable. I am not awaiting some reply for this.
Yours thankfully,
ALICE FURIOKI (Miss).
Perhapsly, Mr. Editor, you had more better postpone my wedding with her.
Besides this she has recently married my cousin Nogi, which is very
selfish act.
In Japan there is a quaint rhythm-song which is sang by all philosophers
and gentlemen engaged for marriage. It is like these in Japanese.
Ichi-ho, pachi-ko,
Nagasaki run—
Sago-man, koko-man,
Bun, bun, bun!
This words when translated to American say like these: “Going around
makes returning in circles, but continuing that may keep up.” This is
very wise poem—but what does it mean? In some way it are like American
Slank talk.
All well here except J. Furo, who is not.
Yours truly,
HASHIMURA TOGO.
XII
THE VISIT OF THE FLEET TO SAN FRANCISCO
SAN FRANCISCO, May 6th.
_To Editor New York newspaper who I occasionally trust & often
admire for quotation from Hon. Browning._
MR.—O!!! Patriotick banzai of hurrah!
America Fleet of Roosevelt Excursionists have arrive to S. F. Ferry Depot.
I would of send this by wire-telegraf, but Hon. Operator was inattentive
about me when I have no price sufficiently much to. He say: “Who-pay?”
I-say: “Hon. Editor.” “Hon. Editor may-be-so will,” he demure and resume
job of tick-tick. Good-by for me.
Morning of fleet-arrive was splandid. By early hour of day all S. F.
persons has clustered therselves on tip of hills & suppression of
excitement was enjoyed. Considerable watching occurred. Barking of dogs
was strangled by collars, infant babies which desired to weep was spanked
for prevention of. Silences. Depressed banners was held in American hands
to get ready wave it.
Many persons in Sabbath clothings was there, including 1,000 Japanese
Spies which were very nice behaviour. I was nationally proud of them.
Of suddenly, Oh!!!
Through crack of Goldy Gate, what-see? Maglifisent sight of marine
insurance! Floating war-boats of dozens approaching directly straight by
line & shooting salutes at people. On come them Imperial Navy of Hon.
Roosevelt & Hon. Hobson; what heart could quit beating at it? Such white
paint—like bath-tub enamel, only more respectful in appearance.
All shout, all maddy banzai, including me & Cousin Nogi which was wishing
that Hon. Togo could been there to shoot in opposite direction. Would it
not been a impressive pair of naval spectacles? I ask to know.
From collected ½ million of persons on hills of S. F. one mad yall of
star-spangly joy. Fire-crack salute, siren whistle, honk-horn, megaphone,
extra edition, tenor solo—all connected together to give impressions of
loyal panderonium. What say Lord Macawber, English history-poet, in “Lies
of Ancient Rome”?
“And even the ranks of Tuskagee
Could scarce forbear a cheer.”
(I wish I could sent this wire-telegram for speed. Please excuse sneer
from Hon. Operator.)
I haven’t yet saw them gallant Adm. Robert D. Evans, but I take delicious
look at Hon. Battle-boat _Conn._ by 2 opera glasses (kindness loan of
Cousin Nogi) & there I see one commanding figure stooding on ¼ deck
where shoot & shell might go muckraking four & aft, if such a rude
target-practice was going on. Was man I seen them famous sea-doggy what
have drove that fleet from N.Y. to S.F. while enjoying twitches of pain
what would make considerable Heroes want to quit? If that man I seen was
Hon. Evans, Japanese Samurai wants to remove cap to him. He are not a
Hero—he are a Marter, which is a Hero tied to a post.
(When Hon. Operator seen my telegraf he-say: “What language is them wrote
in?” I am confused.)
[Illustration: “When Hon. Operator see my telegraf he-say ‘What language
is them wrote in?’”]
For space of several next days this Hon. City are overcame by
considerable Program. Something go on each elsewhere including new-build
section & also places where remainders of Hon. Earthquack are still
enjoyed. Following was did from what little I was aware:
_Wed._—Toot-whistle, anchor-fleet, boom-salute—hurrah! Hon.
Mr. Mayor Taylor & High Governor Gilette go-see Flagship
_Conn._ “How-do, Adm. Evans!” Fleet shake-hands with yackts,
tug-boats, ferry-boats & all official vehicles. Hon. Evans come
shore. Salutes. Honk-auto to Hotel Fairmont where Adm. Evans
meet Mrs. Evans. More salutes. All Hon. Officers come march-in
with un-officered excitement. Quiet bouquets. By evening Hon.
Sec. Metcalf enjoy grand waltz-time Hotel Fairmont. I am not
familiar with when this was expected to burst up.
_Thur._—Awful important parade along line of march including
National Guard and other private carriages. American standing
army was included in this together with such Generals as was
there. All blue-jackets, marines & officers march in this; but
Hon. Battleboats did not come ashore, because they could not
do. Market Street all bunted with red, white & blue & 4th of
July enjoyed by all. Fatigue of march was added to by speeches.
By evening some more waltz-time for Hon. Officers. Hon. Sailors
must not be careless about steam-beer. All burst up by early
clock.
_Fri._—All go visit Hon. America Fleet. Great relays of persons
in boat-loads because everybody was anxious. Visitors including
of College Presidents, Labouring Unions, Society, Persons &
many more. Special reception was gave to 1,000 Japanese Spies
which came with kodaks.
_Sat._—This day has not arrived yet; but we expect it.
Mr. Editor, I am anxious to where them Hon. Fleet will next go by
departure. Will Japan be visited firstly & then some Christian country,
or will it be _visa-vis_? I ask to know, because way them Fleet act are
highly probable to Japanese Schoolboy.
Will you please wrote letter to Hon. Metcalf inflaming him about not
having them Hon. Fleet go visit China? After U. S. Navy have saw Japan
she will not care go China, I say it because. Japan are a deliciously
arranged country with hot & cold water in all rivers and streams. Japan
are picturesque with addition of all modern improvement. America tourist
can go top of anteek temple Nara, by all-night elevator service. 2c
tip for this. Geisha-girl do quaint dance to Edison phonograph musick.
Jinrikisha run by gasolene motor make very speed time. Japan are a very
antiseptick island full of Art. America fleeters will enjoy this & buy
souvenirs for minus price. Pleasant farewell, Hon. America, & no fights
with Togo.
[Illustration: “‘But China!! Such eye-pain of nations.’”]
But China!! Such eye-pain of Nations where virtues is considerably
extolled upon hon. tablets of ansisters, but them hon. relicks is
seldom washed, so that they can’t not be read. That is one kingdom
where enlightenment is unacquainted, where derby hats is unknown,
where book-keeping & stenography is not even worshipped for its good
qualities! Entire towns & counties of them ignorant kingdom is gave over
to pipe-hitting ceremony of opium sniff, which is a insiderous poison
that give sweet imagination which is followed by entire unfitness for
feetball, predatory wealth and anything else what is useful & American.
I give you my entire insurance, Mr. Editor, China are a race of pig-tail
mollycuddles. Why should civilized kingdom wish to retain open door with
China? It would be more delicate to close such a door & keep off pungus
odour of opium-smoke & heathen punk-stick.
There is two kind of Heathens, Mr. Editor. One kind worship gods what
is placed on tiled pedistals of Portland Cement & treated with hydrogen
peroxide to remove affectionate germs. Other kind of Heathens adore idles
made of wood, which it are a sacrilage to scrub, because it would remove
sacred associations including typhoid, tuberculosis & social unrest.
Please to no let Hon. Fleet visit China. All Japanese are sorry because
Hon. China are so wicked. Some day that dear Japan will annex China for
personal property, then America fleet can visit & see how clean & smooth
Heathens can be when treated by Japan.
Hon. Wu, Chinese minister of sinful profile, oftenly make comick speeches
before American Y.M.C.A. He tell what a human person Chinese can be,
he relate about “awakening of China” & is a pretty good Irishman for
repartee. Maybe China are awake, but she have missed her train.
Please don’t listen to Mr. Wu, Hon. Sir! Listen to Baron Takahira who
never says nothing, and therefore is a very good embassy. Baron Takahira
are a Diplomatick Stroke, while that Hon. Wu are nothing but a Yellow
Peril.
Little Annie Anazuma, 8-year-age daughter of I. Anazuma, Japanese barber,
are now nine years of oldness. Because of her extreme youngness she must
be led to high-tip of Russia Hill to see improach of America Fleet,
because she are interested in naval affairs.
While I hold her to shoulder for see better them cast-iron delegation
swim by on wave she declare:
“Why are such demonstration of monstrous floaters here now, Uncle Togo?”
“To have wholesome effect on certain Oriental Power,” I collapse with
very Tafty expression of publick knowledge.
“What effect will such floating have on certain Oriental Power?” require
little Annie.
“Them Oriental Power will build ten new _Dreadnoughts_ instead of six,” I
relegate.
“So joyful!” tabulate little Annie. “Then such Oriental Power will be
head of all!”
“Delay to rejoice,” I subtract. “When Hon. England see this he will built
twelve new fight-ships of _Lusitania_ class, Germany will construct
fourteen new shoot-boats of _Fatherland_ type, America will consult
Senator Burton & think of appropriating something some time for a
gunboat.”
“Great war will ensue when them Navies is did!” narrate little Annie.
“Stop suddenly!” I dib. “When all them Dreadnought navies is completed
they will discovery that they are five years out of style and will be
useful as ferryboats.”
“That will be comfortable for peaceful pic-nicks,” derange that little
Annie which have close, childish brain.
“What say Hon. And. Carnegie about battle-ships? He-say: ‘More elaborate
you built navies, more peaceful Hon. World will get. Large steel ship are
good thing for business of Hague,’ he-say.”
“Large steel ship are good thing for business of Hon. Carnegie,” corrode
little Anne Anazuma, who is an advanced kindergarten.
Hoping I will be present to get it when your Hon. Office Lad are fired
off, I am
Yours truly,
HASHIMURA TOGO.
XIII
FLIGHTY NAVIGATION OF AIR
SAN FRANCISCO, June 2d.
_To Editor New York Newspaper which sores alof like eagly-bird
which have a noble habit of being flighty._
DEAREST SIR—I am given to be understood by newspaper information that
Right Bros, famous airnots, has solved problemb of air navigation again
by very delicious wreckage. Them Right Bros fly-tests is always shot off
with entire secrecy, so that Japanese navy won’t be there to represent
itself. This time them sky-boat manoever were witnessed by less than
2,000 persons, mostly reporters, inventors & foreign powers, who seen
very nicely from bushes 25 miles away where they was hid out of range of
Hon. Right’s shoot-gun.
New airship of Right Bros is called Mud Hen II., because them crafts
should all be named after some bird what they act like. Hon. Bell’s
air-boat are called “White Wings” because they never grow weary of trying
to. That Mud Hen II. are a 6-cylinder, runabout type of airoplane built
on model of 3 pancakes and worked with strings which Hon. Right have
attached to thumbs & toes. To start them ship Hon. Right lays himself on
stummick and runs the engine with his teeth. When he wish to go up he
raise elbows & depresses toes. When he wish to come down he stand on his
head.
On this trip Right Bros start navigating from Killed Devil Hill, which is
in Southern states. After considerable scientifick prepare them ship were
seen to make following emotion:
1—It went up.
2—It came down.
After successful flight Orville Right were found comfortably setting
on his airship in middle of Elkins swamp. Except for 2 wings fraxured,
engine twisted off, propeller gone & framework on fire, them machinery
landed without a mishap. Hon. Right were congratulating himself by
shaking his broken hand.
Hon. Reporter from McClunsey’s Magazine came up to say: “I represent it.”
Silence from Hon. Right.
“What natural views do you possess of mind about future development of
airoplanes for carrying persons for traffick?” require Hon. Muckrake.
“I refuse to answer,” response Hon. Right with E. H. Harriman signals.
“Oh so hurrah!” collapse them Hon. Reporter. “I got scoop news for
McClunsey’s Magazine. HON. RIGHT HAVE SPOKE FOR FIRST TIME!!”
* * * * *
Mr. Editor, I am morely assured that aireal navigation will be very cheap
sport for poor mans. Hickory wood are cheap, canvas are cheap, nails are
cheap & life are cheap. All them is necessary for one good airship. You
can borrow 1 gas-engine from another automobile. Next choose some bird
what look safe & intelligent & built your fly-machine to resemble it.
If you admire for pidgeons, then built one pidgeon-toe air-plane. If
you think hawks is most pleasant fliers, all well; then make a hawkish
air-boat. Nail all them airship together with considerable canvas & light
hickory corners, fasten on them gas-engine what you have borrowed, carry
such machinery to vacant plains & teach it to fly like the bird what you
admire most much.
All airships can fly, but some of them is very hard to teach.
Last yesterday I was tooking a feet-walk by lonesome hill of Berkeley.
Among daisy-cup grassy of steep slope I seen some machinery in attitude
of mechanical expectation. It were a very cross-looking machinery like
a bisickel whose mother was a sail-boat. Several Hon. Professors was
standing around to encourage Hon. Airnot with statistick about dying for
science. Hon. Airnot speak of relatives in Kansas City and regret sinful
youth with considerable paleness.
“What you so trembly for?” eject Professor with Ben Tillman expression.
“Are it possibly that you are afraid to go up?”
“O earnestly no!” collapse them Airnot, “I are entirely fearless about
going up but it are thoughts of going down what give me them quaker
feeling at elbow.”
More excitable preparation then. One Professor arrive with tex-book
entitle, “How Do It to Fly”; yet some other bring telescope for see him
long off. One medical Doctor was also present with muck-rakes, etc., so
as to scrape them Airnot off trees in case of. Nervous tense enjoyed by
all.
So Hon. Airnot say farewell speek to persons present, including Hon.
Wife who was in Chicago. He also mention several technical terms with
considerable emotion & all Scientists present weep with eyes. Next he
place self carefully to seat with assistants of one Irish man what was
there merely to labour. Silence for pulses.
“Are you ready?” inquire Hon. Professor with voice.
[Illustration: “O banzai! Whirr of angry rages from engine”]
“Are!” response them birdy hero.
“Then go it!” suggest Hon. Professor. Awful breathlessness. Hon. Airnot
with brave grasp of wrist throw handle-crank to start engine. Nothing
happen. Surprise from all. Hon. Airnot then speak automobile language &
pull more crank-wheel with thumbs. Complete indifference from them engine.
“Chaloric energy are hypnotized,” say one Scientist who supposed he knew.
“You have forgot-it to put in gasolene,” corrode Irish man what was there
to labour.
“So have!” say Airnot. So Hon. Gasolene was poured to engines with can.