off of America by each annual July 4th. This are sufficient to built 1
of them battleships what Congress feel too poor to vote. Six hundred
persons is entirely killed by this yearly bang-up. Such a number would
make a very nice crew for such a battleship. They might sail it & never
enjoy death until old age do it. Would it not be a splandid plan for all
Americans to avoid purchase of firework for 1 year & sent the money to
Senator Hobson to buy such a patriotick boat? It might be painted of red
colour to resemble firecrackers & would be a floating monument to all
brave Americans who did not die on July 4th. I suggest an earnest thought.
Ah, Mr. Editor, I can hear you said something with sweet voice! I can
hear you said, “That Japanese Schoolboy have a soul minus feet; else why
he make such a rail against July 4th, when all them firework what is
burned for glory are of Japanese parentage?” Quite so truthful it are for
you to speek this, Mr. Editor. Sky-racket, pinny-wheel, flower-pottery,
nigger-chase & Romantic-candle fireworks was formerly of Japanese
parentage, but they was very temperate & well-behaving when made in
Japan. It were when they began to be manufactured in New Jersey that they
became boystrous, disappated & disorderly shoots.
By olden date of time it were custom for cash-wealthy Daimo what was
feeling joyful about his ancestors to invite selection of persons to come
his garden to have a see. Pretty soon it was dark, then Hon. Daimo would
set afire one flower-pottery filled with gunpowder. Sky was filled with
fiery blossoms to resemble botany.
“That are a lily-plant of firework,” say Hon. Daimo, “How you like?”
“O how sweet!” declaim all guests bumping forehead with hissy politeness.
Then they drink tea & go home with calm medetations about great emperors
& other famous politicians.
Japan do not make such blazes very muchly now days. She too busy with
ordinary killing machinery to devote times to decorated deaths. When
Japan have got to nail together 6 new _Dreadnothings_ annually for
all-time of future in order to keep civilized, what chanst have she got
to shoot off Romantic-candles for ancestors? But she do it slyly now &
then.
And yet I are not entirely cross & irritate when I see small kidly
boys a-blowing off noises on them July 4 date. Memory of Concors &
Lex. are worth burning some fingers for; but to blow out eyes for such
a memory are wastefully unnecessary. Independance Day are a variety
of intemperance, and yet I might weep with eye to see it abolish by
Prohibition. What say Dan Webster about this? He-say, “Intemperance are a
good thing when took moderately.” A very slight July 4th could not hurt
anybody—not even a College Professor what often injure his fine brains
a-thinking about Standard Oil & how get some.
Therefore I take ferryboat to some shades of wood next July 4th and there
enjoy lonesome picknick. Sandwitch & cigarette will be smoked by me,
followed by this poem, which are less complete still:
O Columbia the jam of the ocean,
The home of the Greek and the Slav,
Some object of frequent devotion,
What nice summer climate you have!
With them garland of firework around you,
With picknick & baseball game, too,
O this Jap Boy are glad he have found you—
Banzai for such red, white & blue.
(To make a Chorus keep on singing it.)
Hoping you will not go away and leave your insurance in the office,
Yours truly,
HASHIMURA TOGO.
S. P.—Hon. Maxim Jr., child of Hon. Hi Maxim, explosion man, have invent
a species of powder what explode silently. When this are used soldiers
can talk during entire battles with out fear of interrupt. If Hon. Maxim
Jr. can fill July 4 with this noiseless powder, won’t he be a greater
benefatter to human races than Sir Ike Newton? I require no answer.
H. T.
XVI
CAN AFRICA WAIT TILL MARCH 4TH?
SAN FRANCISCO, July 1st.
_To Editor New York Newspaper who do it like Hon. Sampson &
murder deceptive tigers with ham-bone of a mule._
DEAR SIR—In Jambeezi Creek, majistickal river of darky Africa, nervous
tense of suppressed excitement & impatient longing are being enjoyed by
splandid menagerie of brutal beasts & curios residing there. Seldom have
foliage of uncut Nature made such a nice invitation for a distinguished
visitor to come and shoot at it. Seldom in Chicago was such 45-minute
demonstration gave to One Man by a convention of entirely wild animals.
Seldom in history of Nature-fake have Hon. Tom Seton or Hon. John Burro
observed animals doing such behaviour without going to jail. Imagine with
your brain, Mr. Editor, such squeak-rore & bellus of 10,000 elephants
assisted by tigers and other dennisons of forest which has talent for
making noises if nothing else! It are like a suffragette caucus in
winter quarters of Barnum & Bailey; it are the voice of Nature becoming
hoarse with ovation of banzai for the King of the Juggle, a Ramrod among
hunters, the only entirely retired Emporer that ever told the Truth about
Africa at the rate of $2 a word and $4 for hard ones!
In deeps of juggly forest Mother Elephant set neath cocanuts & hold Baby
Elephant in her arms.
“What aily you, tender Infant?” she require for worry, brushing back its
goldy locks.
“Female mother,” he prattle, “what date of calendar do it be?”
“To-day are Thursday, Aug. 13, by N. Y. _Journal_,” she reclaim for
nervous calm.
“Ah sad!” sob Hon. Child, winding trunk around neck of its female mother.
“It are such a length of time till!”
“Till which?” blow-out she.
“Till March 4th,” remark child, “when Hon. Roosevelt may obtain a
vacation for 4 years & come Africa to shoot Father.”
“Hush, child,” say Hon. Mother Elephant. “Hon. Roosevelt have got other
large game besides Elephants on his hands. He have got Mr. Taft.”
“And when Mr. Taft are entirely elected, what then-so?”
“And then-so your Mother & Father will both receive some very
distinguished shoots from that great mans. And maybe, if you are a very
good little Baby Elephant and do not climb no trees, maybe you too will
get a nice little bullet from Hon. Roosevelt.”
So Baby Elephant go sleep on shoulder-blade of Mother without no more
lullabys.
* * * * *
Among banana trees of river-bank reside Jib-jab, the man-chewing Tiger,
who is a friend of Mr. Kipling’s. He set by bright pooly-water worshiping
his mustash which is bees-wax upward to make look like Emperor Wm. When
along come Jug, the poisoned cober-snake, entirely filled with prussic
acid & sliding along on the seat of his stummick. He are reading Hon.
Kipling’s “Juggle Book” so as learn some nice snake-language for make
welcome speech of Hon. Roosevelt when he arrive.
“Good morning, Jib-jab,” he say to friend, biting him on tail for playful
salute. “Are Presidential Program collaborately prepare for to be shot
off when Hon. Pres. make arrival?”
“Of sure it are!” say Tiger with Frank Hitchcock expression. “I have
enjoyed considerable literary correspondence with Hon. Sec. Loeb who make
appointment with me for meet Hon. Roosevelt on date of May 8, 1909, when
I will be entirely shot.”
“How you do to receive such honour?” snuggle Hon. Snake.
“On them May 8, 1909, I are instruct to be standing neath cocanuts
with very tigerly expression of angry rage. Growls from me. From
under-bush suddenly leap outly 72 dare-devilish hunters armed to teeth
with photographer’s supplies. _Snap-snap_—I snagger back, riddled with
kodaks. In vainly I endeavour to escape, but ere I can do a sneak I are
surrounded by James Creelman, Jacob Riis, Dave Grame Phillips, Jack
London, Bat Masterson, W. K. Bok, Arthur Brisbane, & other desperate
scouts famous for shooting wild game at 25c a word and 50c for hard ones.
Trembling in 4 lims & tail I am interviewed & compared to Thomas F. Ryan.
All are complete then, except the Finish.
“Silence suddenly over all Africa. Birds in top-trees cease
tune-whistling. Monkeys in up-twig cease practising after-dinner speeches.
“Then in the midst of hushes, One Man step forthly. It are.
“‘Hon. Ted,’ say Hon. Riis, ‘this are Hon. Tige.’ Paw-shakes are did with
exhibitions of teeth from both us. ‘Dee-light!’ say Hon. Roosevelt ($4
for this word) and step backly to 30 pace. ‘Head little to right, please’
($10) he dib, and Crack-Jordan rifle are placed to elbow. ‘Bang!’ ($2)
say rifle & I fall down on Africa and give up my sinful soul with a
mean snarl. After them exercises I am entirely skinned & speeches worth
$680 is indulged in averaging from 25c to $4 a word. Since King Midas
died from swallowing his gold teeth no King of Beasts has passed off so
expensively.”
“Land of sakes!” abjeck Hon. Snake with poison face, “I am filled with
venum to think what famous Brute you will be while I am merely wormly
& equal to zero with a wiggle on it. While you are meeting all them
fashionable literary persons, I must get stepped on & nothing else.”
“Cease to grouch!” commute Hon. Tige. “If you get industrious & bite
somebody maybe you will get beaten to jello with Big Club, and thusly
have name in newspaper-prints among other noted malefacktors.”
* * * * *
My Cousin Nogi, who are enjoying grouchies this week because Miss Furioki
to which he are still married as wife has made a lope with S. Wanda,
Japanese Socialist, come-me and say following for politickal rebuke:
“On March 4, 1909, scenery of disturbance will shift from Washington to
Africa.”
“Hon. Roosevelt are very fond of dum animals,” I hob-nob. “They can not
talk back for repartee.”
“It are a great rest-cure to become an entirely desperate hunter. While
stabbing a tiger it are very difficult to remember party lines & other
ugly liars. Grasping them furyus lepard by juggly vein with cruel eyes
standing on end & teeth firmly planted in shoulder for delicious bite—on
them occasion how tame must seem companionship of E. H. Harriman, Hon.
Fork Tillman, & Hon. Jo Forker!”
“What-say Hon. Rubbert Burn, famous Scotch, about this?” I reject.
“He-say:
“Let old acquaintance be forgot
And never brought to mind.”
At this quotation Sydney Katsu, Jr., make come-in to my room for borrow
toothbrush.
“What grand American have wrote some light tex-book on angry animals to
be shot in Africa?” he ask-it.
“Some distinguished African might do this intelligently,” I snuggest for
help.
“I have perused inside of entire edition of Hon. Booker Washington,”
repose Sydney, “and there I find chapter on ‘Care & Culture of Mules by
Young Coloured Niggers’—and yet he are suspiciously silent about brutal
beasts to be murdered on Jambeezi Creek.”
“African subjecks is kept very dark by educated Africans,” I drib for
laughing-joke which sound delicious in Japanese.
“I enjoy considerable puzzle,” corrode Sydney. “If no light books is to
be had about them carnibblous animals of darky Africa, how we know what
expect when Hon. Roosevelt go shoot it?”
“At $2 a word one may expect anything,” I dib. “Hon. Gulliver wrote
delicious travels for much less.”
“Hon. Gulliver were a short & ugly tourist,” notate Nogi.
Then in come Uncle Nichi, my ¼ ancestor, wearing congressional shoes
which irritate his straw-seed appearance of Japanese farmer. He banish in
hand 1 piece tab-paper of which he are foolishly proud.
“So glad!” he rake-out. “I got here a sweet list of all mad animals what
reside there in dam section of Congo riverside.”
“Who give you such lists?” I require for shame because he is my bloody
relation.
“Hon. Strunsky, Irish salooner, who say he has been to all parts of
Africa & Indiana.”
“Read it, please,” say Sydney Katsu, Jr., who are oftenly polite because
he are not related to Uncle Nichi.
So Uncle Nichi with jay spectacles read following deceptive list of
brutal beasts to be shot from foliage of Africa by persons what sees them:
_Piebrock_—a six-legged steer what subsist on malt beveridges
which he take through a straw because he have no teeth. He
pulls corks with a horn which grows from the back of his
neck. He can be easily told from a _fagdoo_ because he are
a different animal. He are fond of distinguished visitors
and enjoys Washington gossip when entirely pure; but he are
seriously dangerous when bored. When pursued he swallows his
feet-prints, thus concealing his identity. Scarce during
Presidential Years.
_Yelk_—a species of pantomome, full of delicious flavours,
but awful hostile when killed. You can easily tell him from
other kinds of horse because he have a head on both ends, so
he appear to be approaching when backing off. He often lead
hunters to doom by his kind expression.
_Ook_—same as a yelk with smooth corners.
_Hawbuck_—this are the only kind of cow that sleeps in trees.
He are a very economickal mammal. When hungry he lays a dozen
eggs and eats them. Hunters is warned not to shoot this brute
in the eyes, because he ain’t got any and enjoys great rages
when reminded of it. To kill him, tickle him in soles of
feet so he will get mad & spit out his heart. His habits are
valvular & conjunctive. He is just as apt to be found in Africa
as anywhere else.
_Tum-tum_—a very small camel used by natives to hunt rats. He
do this by——
“Kindly cut-out!” dib Nogi for shocked expression, “if Hon. Roosevelt
should heard you he would place your photo in his Roguish Gallery and you
would be celled in Liars’ Row until called for.”
“Would it not be graceful act for mail this list to Hon. Loeb?” say
Unc with second-child expression. “Hon. Roosevelt might avoid such
callackerous beasts if he knew about them.”
“He might, but would he?” is reject from all Japanese Boys present.
* * * * *
Mr. Editor, already lull of Great White Peace are settling over
Washington. Hon. Roosevelt find himself with nothing to say and Hon. Taft
are saying it to satisfaction of Republican Party. All is quiet along
the Patomack to-night except now and then a stray rebate is shot, as it
runs toward the Court of Appeals, by a rifleman hid behind the Treasury
Building. The world are being run from Oyster Bay, and everybody are
so happy & contented, thank you, that Hon. Newspapers is reviewing the
Thaw case because they ain’t got nothing disagreeable to talk about. The
Greatest Man in America set among sagamores & gaze with eyebrows to shore
of beautiful Connecticut
Where every prospect pleases
And only politicks is rotten.
“All work & no play make Kermit a dull boy,” he-say for deelight. “I are
considerable darn tired of bearing America on my neck. I fain for to
recreate. I fain to get something free & easy like frollicking from velt
to kop at dewey eve snagging lightly in my teeth the following trophies
of the chase:
1 gentleman elephant consisting of 6 tons & tusks.
2 Royal Bangor tigers of cross disposition.
8 ooks & a hawbuck resembling a feather boa.
21 wild Boers.
3 ground squirrils.
“African elephant,” say Hon. T., “are more superior to Republican
elephant because he are entirely wild and free and refuse to pile tariff
planks for no Trusts.”
* * * * *
So on March 4th, Mr. Editor, Africa will receive what are coming that
way. When front door of White House are enlarged to carriage entrance for
the Greatest Figure in the Party, from back door of that kingly place
gentleman with elephant gun will rough-walk away followed by Kermit with
a hatchet to cut off their heads. Can any bright Japanese Schoolboy win a
prize by guessing name of them departing?
The tumble & the spouting dies,
The Congress and the King depart—
So ends the Constant Exercise:
Now let the Expedition start!
With waggly regards from O-Fido.
Yours truly,
HASHIMURA TOGO.
XVII
THE HON. GASOLENE
SAN FRANCISCO, July 5th.
_To Editor New York Newspaper, celebrated for its Nationality
and nice printing._
DEAR SIR—What say Hon. Galileo when enjoying execution by ax? He say,
“This World do move!” Then neck-chop ensue to interrupt that great
thought at wind-pipe. If Japanese Boy was there he would enquire to
know, “What do move this World, please?” Answer for this reply is: “Hon.
Gasolene do!”
One quaint American proverb say, “Where there is Smoke there is Blazes.”
This is especially truthful about Pittsburgh. Yet how much more
proverbial it would be to say it, “Where there is Smell there is Speed.”
I know because!
Mr. Editor, I do not possess of my ownership any automobiles, but my
cousin Nogi gave me acquaintance to Hon. G. W. Yosho, celebrated coachman
for all tour-cars. This Yosho wear rubber uniform of Japanese Field
Marshal. He appear to look like Marquis Oyama, but is much more important
about it. I reverence him because he have killed several Americans and
some Christians.
“Hon. Yosho,” I collapse with Japanese salute, “nobody not yet have
invited me to ride in one.”
“Maybe so it might,” he subdivide with forgetful expression.
“Do automobiles make persons civilized?” I require for answer.
“Ask the Motor Man!” signify this Hon. Yosho making buzz-buzz of
machinery and disappear with considerable odour. Soonly I hope to become
a dear acquaintance to this Yosho who would be a very nice friend for
chumb.
Next I go to livery stable where automobiles is kept. There I met Motor
Man who suspect me of being Japanese Count ambitious to buy one. I become
immediately deceptive. He suffocate me with international courtesy. He
show me several tour-cars of delicious machinery.
“How much for price of red automobile?” I enquire to know.
“Red automobile is $8,000 by price, Mr. Count,” he collapse with
politeness.
“How much for price of green automobile?” I ask for haughty reply.
“Green automobile is $2,000 for price, Hon. Sir,” he dictate for
reverence.
[Illustration: “There I meet Motor Man who ... suffocate me with
international courtesy”]
“Quite well,” I retrograde. “Then paint red automobile green and Japanese
Boy will take it for $2,000.”
This Motor Man hesitate to do. So he donate to me one cigar of value 25c
and we enjoy a very elaborate interview about Hon. Gasolene which is
a wonderfully civilized drug. By ancient history, say this Motor Man,
Hon. Gasolene was a very hummbel medicine. It was principally useful for
removing raspberries from gloves and could be employed in cook-stoves
for explosions. Gasolene was next discovered to be one nice chemical for
insurance. This gave it publick interest which made it necessary for all
forms of motor. (“What is home without a motor?” require little Annie
Anazuma, who have a flashy mind for 9 year age.)
Gasolene is so easy to distinguish from cologne that it appear deceptive.
“Though lost to sight to memory strong” and “Gone, but not forgotten”
was once fashionable for funerals. Them remarks is now mostly heard at
automobile races.
Hon. Gasolene will make great civilization for future, say Motor Man.
Niagara Falls will be runned by this fuel, machinery of Congress will go
by gasolene-motor, farmers will turn horse-stable into garage and gather
hay by gasolene. Warfare of future, say Motor Man, will be shot off by
Hon. Gasolene. Japanese imperial Horse Guards on prancing motor-cycles
will make desperation of charge on Gen. Kouropatkin with light runabout
division on left wing while automobile batteries from hills will make
considerable banzai with Shimose powder & fireworks. By shot & shell,
shout-call, enjoyment of death & wounds, long red line of touring-cars
will charge from trenches while all day long them commissary-buggies
will make hurry-up trip to firing-line to bring more gasolene from Army
Canteen. Japanese air-navy of fly-machines will do something, too,
probably, with them 1,000 horsepower aromatic engines. O such delightful
banzai! Fierce honking from all sides, sharp report of punctuated
tires—Nippon forever! On, men of Nagasaki! Let us shed last drop of
gasolene for home & garage.
This is future warfare by Hon. Gasolene. What say Hebrew Prophet? “He
smelleth the battle from away off and he yelleth ‘O my!’”
This Motor Man tell me some serious truth about Hon. Gasolene when
took internally by victims. It is a very habitual drug like cocktails,
cocaine, opium-smoke and Peruna. When continually enjoyed by human
interior it make result of one very nervous disease what hon.
doctor-book call _locomobile ataxia_. When you have got this sickness,
Mr. Editor, you will know it by following course of symptoms:
1—When tour-carring on roadway you suddenly find out you are
too slow.
2—You mortgage on home to buy something of swift red colour.
3—You are greedy to break it. You break record, speed-law &
crank-shaft in short period. Then you break neck and quit it.
4—You go to hospital to forget wife & child.
5—You deceive doctor by honking yourself to death.
If you have done them symptoms, Mr. Editor, you had better worry, because
you are a ill person.
* * * * *
One great sporty event is now approaching to Pacific Coast by inches. It
is that trip of horse-racing automobiles travelling by snow-plough from
New York to Paris. Them automobiles is quite international and has been
froze to death in four languages already. They expects to enjoy Alaska &
Siberia in the same way. Shuddering is unpleasant to such heroes.
Sydney Katsu, Jr., Japanese dentistry, desire to make bet-sum of money
with me for $1. I am an entirely sporting Japanese, Mr. Editor. I am
willing to risk enormous sum of money if I am sure I can be able to get
it back with interest at some proper percentage. I am disagreeable about
any bet what is a speculation; but I am recklus about gambling when it is
a good investment. Therefore, what car will win? America car is now most
patriotic about getting ahead—yet what would happen to my money if that
automobile should enjoy train-wreck while going over Rocky Mountains in
Pullman car?
I follow this race for one weektime by press-notice and get these
excitable items to inclose for you:
_Monday_—American car drawn by Hon. Bill Pirkins’ tame mare
“Florence” forges 101 yards through snow-drift.
_Tuesday_—Italian-speaking car, driven by 2-mule-power borrowed
from Hon. Rube Brown, make entry to Paris, Neb.
_Wednesday_—Italian mules pass American 1-horse-power mare.
_Thursday_—American snow-plow “Governor Hughes” set pace for
all comers.
_Friday_—Hay is distributed along racecourse by gallant
American troups so that motor-power can stop for lunch.
_Saturday_—French car “Motor-Block” discovered in Chicago
speaking the language.
“How will them motoring-cars go it in Alaska where horses is scarce to
find?” Sydney Katsu, Jr., enquire for tip.
“Dogs is very obliging as beast of burden in them arctick,” I relapse.
“In Siberia reindeers of very high gear is pleasant for automobiling.”
“Large supplies of Hon. Gasolene is necessary for such trip,” say that
light-mind Sydney.
“Large supply of Hon. Oats is more better for fuel,” I relapse with
American eye-wink.
Please enjoy this poetry which I make to look like it:
_DREAM WHICH FOLLOWED ESTEEMED DOUGHNUTS I ATE_