Swift's writings, was, in the opinion of that editor, indisputably
the work of the Dean of St. Patrick's. The present editor sees no
reason to disagree with this judgement, and it is therefore
reprinted here. The original issue of 1733, printed by Faulkner
contained also Swift's "Petition of the Footmen in and about
Dublin," and had a lengthy advertisement of the Complete Works of
Swift which Faulkner was, at that time, projecting. It is
difficult, however, to understand why the tract was not included in
later editions of Swift's complete works. Sir Walter Scott puts
forward an explanation suggested by Dr. Barrett, who believed the
reason to have been, that this "_jeu d'esprit_ might be interpreted
as casting a slur on an hospital erected upon Lazors-Hill, now on
the Donny-Brook road near Dublin, for the reception of persons
afflicted with incurable maladies." The reason seems a poor one,
though it may have been as Dr. Barrett states. A better argument
might be found from the style and subject matter of the tract
itself. The style is strongly Swift's, and the subject of such an
hospital must certainly have occupied Swift's thoughts at this
time, since he left his fortune for the erection of a similar
building.
* * * * *
The text of the present edition is based on that of the volume
issued by Faulkner in 1733, compared with the Dublin reprint of the
following year.
[T. S.]
A
SERIOUS and USEFUL
SCHEME,
To make an
Hospital for Incurables,
OF
Universal Benefit to all His Majesty's Subjects.
* * * * *
Humbly addressed to the Rt. Hon. the Lord ----, the Rt. Hon. Sir ----, and
to the Rt. Hon. ----, Esq;
* * * * *
To which is added,
A Petition of the Footmen in and about _Dublin_.
* * * * *
_Fæcunda Culpæ Secula!_--Hor.
* * * * *
Printed at _LONDON_: And,
_DUBLIN_:
Printed by _GEORGE FAULKNER_, and Sold at his Shop in _Essex Street_,
opposite to the _Bridge_, and by _G. Risk_, _G. Ewing_ and _W. Smith_,
Booksellers in _Dame-Street_, 1733.
There is not any thing which contributes more to the reputation of
particular persons, or to the honour of a nation in general, than
erecting and endowing proper edifices, for the reception of those who
labour under different kinds of distress. The diseased and unfortunate
are thereby delivered from the misery of wanting assistance; and others
are delivered from the misery of beholding them.
It is certain, that the genius of the people of England is strongly
turned to public charities; and to so noble a degree, that almost in
every part of this great and opulent city, and also in many of the
adjacent villages, we meet with a great variety of hospitals, supported
by the generous contributions of private families, as well as by the
liberality of the public. Some for seamen worn out in the service of
their country, and others for infirm disabled soldiers; some for the
maintenance of tradesmen decayed, and others for their widows and
orphans; some for the service of those who linger under tedious
distempers, and others for such as are deprived of their reason.
But I find, upon nice inspection, that there is one kind of charity
almost totally disregarded, which, nevertheless, appears to me of so
excellent a nature, as to be at present more wanted, and better
calculated for the ease, quietness, and felicity of this whole kingdom,
than any other can possibly be. I mean an hospital for incurables.
I must indeed confess, that an endowment of this nature would prove a
very large and perpetual expense. However, I have not the least
diffidence, that I shall be able effectually to convince the world that
my present scheme for such an hospital is very practicable, and must be
very desirable by every one who hath the interest of his country, or his
fellow-creatures, really at heart.
It is observable, that, although the bodies of human creatures be
affected with an infinite variety of disorders, which elude the power of
medicine, and are often found to be incurable, yet their minds are also
overrun with an equal variety, which no skill, no power, no medicine,
can alter or amend. And I think, that, out of regard to the public peace
and emolument, as well as the repose of many pious and valuable
families, this latter species of incurables ought principally to engage
our attention and beneficence.
I believe an Hospital for such Incurables will be universally allowed
necessary, if we only consider what numbers of absolute incurables every
profession, rank, and degree, would perpetually produce, which, at
present, are only national grievances, and of which we can have no other
effectual method to purge the kingdom.
For instance; let any man seriously consider what numbers there are of
incurable fools, incurable knaves, incurable scolds, incurable
scribblers, (besides myself,) incurable coxcombs, incurable infidels,
incurable liars, incurable whores, in all places of public resort:--not
to mention the incurably vain, incurably envious, incurably proud,
incurably affected, incurably impertinent, and ten thousand other
incurables, which I must of necessity pass over in silence, lest I
should swell this essay into a volume. And without doubt, every
unprejudiced person will agree, that, out of mere Christian charity, the
public ought to be eased as much as possible of this troublesome and
intolerable variety of incurables.
And first, Under the denomination of incurable fools, we may reasonably
expect, that such an hospital would be furnished with considerable
numbers of the growth of our own universities; who, at present, appear
in various professions in the world, under the venerable titles of
physicians, barristers, and ecclesiastics.
And as those ancient seminaries have been, for some years past,
accounted little better than nurseries of such sort of incurables, it
should seem highly commendable to make some kind of provision for them;
because it is more than probable, that, if they are to be supported by
their own particular merit in their several callings, they must
necessarily acquire but a very indifferent maintenance.
I would not, willingly, be here suspected to cast reflections on any
order of men, as if I thought that small gains from the profession of
any art or science, were always an undoubted sign of an equally small
degree of understanding; for I profess myself to be somewhat inclined to
a very opposite opinion, having frequently observed, that at the bar,
the pulse, and the pulpit, those who have the least learning or sense to
plead, meet generally with the largest share of promotions and profit:
of which many instances might be produced; but the public seems to want
no conviction in this particular.
Under the same denominations we may further expect a large and
ridiculous quantity of old rich widows; whose eager and impatient
appetites inflame them with extravagant passions for fellows of a very
different age and complexion from themselves; who purchase contempt and
aversion with good jointures; and being loaded with years, infirmities,
and probably ill humour, are forced to bribe into their embraces such
whose fortunes and characters are equally desperate.
Besides, our collection of incurable fools would receive an incredible
addition from every one of the following articles.
From young extravagant heirs; who are just of a competent age to become
the bubbles of jockeys, sportsmen, gamesters, bullies, sharpers,
courtesans, and such sort of honourable pickpockets.
From misers; who half starve themselves to feed the prodigality of their
heirs, and who proclaim to the world how unworthy they are of possessing
estates, by the wretched and ridiculous methods they take to enjoy them.
From contentious people, of all conditions; who are content to waste the
greatest part of their own fortunes at law, to be the instruments of
impoverishing others.
From those who have any confidence in profession of friendship, before
trial; or any dependence on the fidelity of a mistress.
From young illiterate squires, who travel abroad to import lewdness,
conceit, arrogance, vanity, and foppery; of which commodities there
seems to be so great an abundance at home.
From young clergymen; who contrive, by matrimony, to acquire a family,
before they have obtained the necessary means to maintain one.
From those who have considerable estates in different kingdoms, and yet
are so incurably stupid as to spend their whole incomes in this.
These, and several other articles which might be mentioned, would afford
us a perpetual opportunity of easing the public, by having an hospital
for the accommodation of such incurables; who, at present, either by the
over-fondness of near relations, or the indolence of the magistrates,
are permitted to walk abroad, and appear in the most crowded places of
this city, as if they were indeed reasonable creatures.
I had almost forgot to hint, that, under this article, there is a modest
probability that many of the clergy would be found properly qualified
for admittance into the hospital, who might serve in the capacity of
chaplains, and save the unnecessary expense of salaries.
To these fools, in order succeed such as may justly be included under
the extensive denomination of incurable knaves; of which our several
Inns of Court would constantly afford us abundant supplies.
I think indeed, that, of this species of incurables, there ought to be a
certain limited number annually admitted; which number, neither any
regard to the quiet or benefit of the nation, nor any other charitable
or public-spirited reason, should tempt us to exceed; because, if all
were to be admitted on such a foundation, who might be reputed incurable
of this distemper; and if it were possible for the public to find any
place large enough for their reception; I have not the least doubt, that
all our Inns, which are at this day so crowded, would in a short time be
emptied of their inhabitants; and the law, that beneficial craft, want
hands to conduct it.
I tremble to think what herds of attorneys, solicitors, pettifoggers,
scriveners, usurers, hackney-clerks, pickpockets, pawn-brokers, jailors,
and justices of the peace, would hourly be driven to such an hospital;
and what disturbance it might also create in several noble and wealthy
families.
What unexpected distress might it prove to several men of fortune and
quality, to be suddenly deprived of their rich stewards, in whom they
had for many years reposed the utmost confidence, and to find them
irrecoverably lodged among such a collection of incurables!
How many orphans might then expect to see their guardians hurried away
to the hospital; and how many greedy executors find reason to lament the
want of opportunity to pillage!
Would not Exchange Alley have cause to mourn for the loss of its
stock-jobbers and brokers; and the Charitable Corporation for the
confinement of many of its directors?
Might not Westminster-Hall, as well as all the gaming-houses in this
great city, be entirely unpeopled; and the professors of art in each of
those assemblies become useless in their vocations, by being deprived of
all future opportunity to be dishonest?
In short, it might put the whole kingdom into confusion and disorder;
and we should find that the entire revenues of this nation would be
scarce able to support so great a number of incurables, in this way, as
would appear qualified for admission into our hospital.
For if we only consider how this kingdom swarms with quadrille-tables,
and gaming-houses, both public and private; and also how each of those
houses, as well as Westminster-Hall aforesaid, swarms with knaves who
are anxious to win, or fools who have anything to lose; we may be soon
convinced how necessary it will be to limit the number of incurables,
comprehended under these titles, lest the foundation should prove
insufficient to maintain any others besides them.
However, if, by this Scheme of mine, the nation can be eased of twenty
or thirty thousand such incurables, I think it ought to be esteemed
somewhat beneficial, and worthy of the attention of the public.
The next sort for whom I would gladly provide, and who for several
generations have proved insupportable plagues and grievances to the good
people of England, are those who may properly be admitted under the
character of incurable scolds.
I own this to be a temper of so desperate a nature, that few females can
be found willing to own themselves anyway addicted to it; and yet, it
is thought that there is scarce a single parson, 'prentice, alderman,
squire, or husband, who would not solemnly avouch the very reverse.
I could wish, indeed, that the word scold might be changed for some more
gentle term, of equal signification; because I am convinced, that the
very name is as offensive to female ears, as the effects of that
incurable distemper are to the ears of the men; which, to be sure, is
inexpressible.
And that it hath been always customary to honour the very same kind of
actions with different appellations, only to avoid giving offence, is
evident to common observation.
For instance: How many lawyers, attorneys, solicitors, under-sheriffs,
intriguing chambermaids, and counter-officers, are continually guilty of
extortion, bribery, oppression, and many other profitable knaveries, to
drain the purses of those with whom they are any way concerned! And yet,
all these different expedients to raise a fortune, pass generally under
the milder names of fees, perquisites, vails, presents, gratuities, and
such like; although, in strictness of speech, they should be called
robbery, and consequently be rewarded with a gibbet.
Nay, how many honourable gentlemen might be enumerated, who keep open
shop to make a trade of iniquity; who teach the law to wink whenever
power or profit appears in her way; and contrive to grow rich by the
vice, the contention, or the follies of mankind; and who, nevertheless,
instead of being branded with the harsh-sounding names of knaves,
pilferers, or public oppressors, (as they justly merit,) are only
distinguished by the title of justices of the peace; in which single
term, all those several appellations are generally thought to be
implied.
But to proceed. When first I determined to prepare this Scheme for the
use and inspection of the public, I intended to examine one whole ward
in this city, that my computation of the number of incurable scolds
might be more perfect and exact. But I found it impossible to finish my
progress through more than one street.
I made my first application to a wealthy citizen in Cornhill,
common-council-man for his ward; to whom I hinted, that if he knew e'er
an incurable scold in the neighbourhood, I had some hope to provide for
her in such a manner, as to hinder her from being further troublesome.
He referred me with great delight to his next-door friend; yet whispered
me, that, with much greater ease and pleasure, he could furnish me out
of his own family ----; and begged the preference.
His next-door friend owned readily that his wife's qualifications were
not misrepresented, and that he would cheerfully contribute to promote
so useful a scheme; but positively asserted, that it would be of small
service to rid the neighbourhood of one woman, while such multitudes
would remain all equally insupportable.
By which circumstance I conjectured, that the quantity of these
incurables in London, Westminster, and Southwark, would be very
considerable; and that a generous contribution might reasonably be
expected for such an hospital as I am recommending.
Besides, the number of these female incurables would probably be very
much increased by additional quantities of old maids; who, being wearied
with concealing their ill-humour for one-half of their lives, are
impatient to give it full vent in the other. For old maids, like old
thin-bodied wines, instead of growing more agreeable by years, are
observed, for the most part, to become intolerably sharp, sour, and
useless.
Under this denomination also, we may expect to be furnished with as
large a collection of old bachelors, especially those who have estates,
and but a moderate degree of understanding. For, an old wealthy
bachelor, being perpetually surrounded with a set of flatterers,
cousins, poor dependents, and would-be heirs, who for their own views
submit to his perverseness and caprice, becomes insensibly infected with
this scolding malady, which generally proves incurable, and renders him
disagreeable to his friends, and a fit subject for ridicule to his
enemies.
As to the incurable scribblers, (of which society I have the honour to
be a member,) they probably are innumerable; and, of consequence, it
will be absolutely impossible to provide for one-tenth part of their
fraternity. However, as this set of incurables are generally more
plagued with poverty than any other, it will be a double charity to
admit them on the foundation; a charity to the world, to whom they are a
common pest and nuisance; and a charity to themselves, to relieve them
from want, contempt, kicking, and several other accidents of that
nature, to which they are continually liable.
Grub-street itself would then have reason to rejoice, to see so many of
its half-starved manufacturers amply provided for; and the whole tribe
of meagre incurables would probably shout for joy, at being delivered
from the tyranny and garrets of printers, publishers, and booksellers.
What a mixed multitude of ballad-writers, ode-makers, translators,
farce-compounders, opera-mongers, biographers, pamphleteers, and
journalists, would appear crowding to the hospital; not unlike the
brutes resorting to the ark before the deluge! And what an universal
satisfaction would such a sight afford to all, except pastry-cooks,
grocers, chandlers, and tobacco-retailers, to whom alone the writings of
those incurables were anyway profitable!
I have often been amazed to observe, what a variety of incurable
coxcombs are to be met with between St. James's and Limehouse, at every
hour of the day; as numerous as Welsh parsons, and equally contemptible.
How they swarm in all coffeehouses, theatres, public walks, and private
assemblies; how they are incessantly employed in cultivating intrigues,
and every kind of irrational pleasure; how industrious they seem to
mimic the appearance of monkeys, as monkeys are emulous to imitate the
gestures of men: And from such observations, I concluded, that to
confine the greatest part of those incurables, who are so many living
burlesques of human nature, would be of eminent service to this nation;
and I am persuaded that I am far from being singular in that opinion.
As for the incurable infidels and liars, I shall range them under the
same article, and would willingly appoint them the same apartment in the
hospital; because there is a much nearer resemblance between them, than
is generally imagined.
Have they not an equal delight in imposing falsities on the public; and
seem they not equally desirous to be thought of more sagacity and
importance than others? Do they not both report what both know to be
false; and both confidently assert what they are conscious is most
liable to contradiction?
The parallel might easily be carried on much further, if the intended
shortness of this essay would admit it. However, I cannot forbear taking
notice, with what immense quantities of incurable liars his Majesty's
kingdoms are overrun; what offence and prejudice they are to the public;
what inconceivable injury to private persons; and what a necessity there
is for an hospital, to relieve the nation from the curse of so many
incurables.
This distemper appears almost in as many different shapes, as there are
persons afflicted with it; and, in every individual, is always beyond
the power of medicine.
Some lie for their interest; such as fishmongers, flatterers, pimps,
lawyers, fortune-hunters, and fortune-tellers; and others lie for their
entertainment, as maids, wives, widows, and all other tea-table
attendants.
Some lie out of vanity, as poets, painters, players, fops, military
officers, and all those who frequent the levees of the great: and others
lie out of ill nature, as old maids, &c.
Some lie out of custom, as lovers, coxcombs, footmen, sailors,
mechanics, merchants, and chambermaids; and others lie out of
complaisance or necessity, as courtiers, chaplains, &c. In short, it
were endless to enumerate them all, but this sketch may be sufficient to
give us some small imperfect idea of their numbers.
As to the remaining incurables, we may reasonably conclude, that they
bear at least an equal proportion to those already mentioned; but with
regard to the incurable whores in this kingdom, I must particularly
observe, that such of them as are public, and make it their profession,
have proper hospitals for their reception already, if we could find
magistrates without passions, or officers without an incurable itch to a
bribe. And such of them as are private, and make it their amusement, I
should be unwilling to disturb, for two reasons.
First, Because it might probably afflict many noble, wealthy, contented,
and unsuspecting husbands, by convincing them of their own dishonour,
and the unpardonable disloyalty of their wives: And, secondly, Because
it will be for ever impossible to confine a woman from being guilty of
any kind of misconduct, when once she is firmly resolved to attempt it.
From all which observations, every reasonable man must infallibly be
convinced, that an hospital for the support of these different kinds of
incurables, would be extremely beneficial to these kingdoms. I think,
therefore, that nothing further is wanting, but to demonstrate to the
public, that such a Scheme is very practicable; both by having an
undoubted method to raise an annual income, at least sufficient to make
the experiment, (which is the way of founding all hospitals,) and by
having also a strong probability, that such an hospital would be
supported by perpetual benefactions; which, in very few years, might
enable us to increase the number of incurables to nine-tenths more than
we can reasonably venture on at first.
* * * * *
_A Computation of the Daily and Annual Expenses of an Hospital, to be
erected for Incurables._
Per day.
Incurable fools, are almost infinite; however, at
first, I would have only twenty thousand admitted;
and, allowing to each person but one shilling per
day for maintenance, which is as low as possible, the
daily expense for this article will be £1000
Incurable knaves, are, if possible, more numerous,
including foreigners, especially Irishmen. Yet I
would limit the number of these to about thirty
thousand; which would amount to 1500
Incurable scolds, would be plentifully supplied
from almost every family in the kingdom. And indeed,
to make this hospital of any real benefit, we
cannot admit fewer, even at first, than thirty thousand,
including the ladies of Billingsgate and Leadenhall
market, which is 1500
The incurable scribblers, are undoubtedly a very
considerable society, and of that denomination I
would admit at least forty thousand; because it is
to be supposed, that such incurables will be found
in greatest distress for a daily maintenance. And
if we had not great encouragement to hope, that
many of that class would properly be admitted
among the incurable fools, I should strenuously intercede
to have ten or twenty thousand more added.
But their allowed number will amount to 2000
Incurable coxcombs, are very numerous; and,
considering what numbers are annually imported
from France and Italy, we cannot admit fewer than
ten thousand, which will be 500
Incurable infidels, (as they affect to be called)
should be received into the hospital to the number
of ten thousand. However, if it should accidentally
happen to grow into a fashion to be believers, it is
probable, that the great part of them would, in a
very short time, be dismissed from the hospital, as
perfectly cured. Their expense would be 500
Incurable liars, are infinite in all parts of the kingdom;
and, making allowance for citizens' wives,
mercers, prentices, news-writers, old maids, and
flatterers, we cannot possibly allow a smaller number
than thirty thousand, which will amount to 1500
The incurable envious, are in vast quantities
throughout this whole nation. Nor can it reasonably
be expected that their numbers should lessen, while
fame and honours are heaped upon some particular
persons, as the public reward of their superior
accomplishments, while others, who are equally excellent,
in their own opinions, are constrained to
live unnoticed and contemned. And, as it would
be impossible to provide for all those who are possessed
with this distemper, I should consent to admit
only twenty thousand at first, by way of experiment,
amounting to 1000