I should at least admit ten thousand; which number
I am confident will appear very inconsiderable, if
we include all degrees of females, from the duchess
to the chambermaid; all poets, who have had a little
success, especially in the dramatic way, and all
players, who have met with a small degree of approbation.
Amounting only to 500
By which plain computation it is evident, that two hundred thousand
persons will be daily provided for, and the allowance for maintaining
this collection of incurables may be seen in the following account.
Per day.
_For the Incurable_
Fools, being 20,000 at one shilling each £1000
Knaves 30,000 ditto 1500
Scolds 30,000 1500
Scribblers 40,000 2000
Coxcombs 10,000 500
Infidels 10,000 500
Liars 30,000 1500
_For the Incurably_
Envious 20,000 1000
Vain 10,000 500
_______ ______
Total maintained, 200,000 Total expense, £10,000
M. Th. H.
From whence it appears, that the daily expense
will amount to such a sum, as in 365
days comes to £3,650,000
And I am fully satisfied that a sum, much greater than this, may easily
be raised, with all possible satisfaction to the subject, and without
interfering in the least with the revenues of the crown.
In the first place, a large proportion of this sum might be raised by
the voluntary contribution of the inhabitants.
The computed number of people in Great Britain is very little less than
eight millions; of which, upon a most moderate computation, we may
account one half to be incurables. And as all those different
incurables, whether acting in the capacity of friends, acquaintances,
wives, husbands, daughters, counsellors, parents, old maids, or old
bachelors, are inconceivable plagues to all those with whom they happen
to be concerned; and as there is no hope of being eased of such plagues,
except by such an hospital, which by degrees might be enlarged to
contain them all: I think it cannot be doubted, that at least three
millions and an half of people, out of the remaining proportion, would
be found both able and desirous to contribute so small a sum as twenty
shillings _per annum_, for the quiet of the kingdom, the peace of
private families, and the credit of the nation in general. And this
contribution would amount to very near our requisite sum.
Nor can this by any means be esteemed a wild conjecture; for where is
there a man of common sense, honesty, or good-nature, who would not
gladly propose even a much greater sum to be freed from a scold, a
knave, a fool, a liar, a coxcomb conceitedly repeating the compositions
of others, or a vain impertinent poet repeating his own?
In the next place, it may justly be supposed, that many young noblemen,
knights, squires, and extravagant heirs, with very large estates, would
be confined in our hospital. And I would propose, that the annual income
of every particular incurable's estate should be appropriated to the use
of the house. But, besides these, there will undoubtedly be many old
misers, aldermen, justices, directors of companies, templars, and
merchants of all kinds, whose personal fortunes are immense, and who
should proportionably pay to the hospital.
Yet, lest, by being here misunderstood, I should seem to propose an
unjust or oppressive Scheme, I shall further explain my design.
Suppose, for instance, a young nobleman, possessed of ten or twenty
thousand pounds _per annum_, should accidentally be confined there as an
incurable: I would have only such a proportion of his estate applied to
the support of the hospital, as he himself would spend if he were at
liberty. And, after his death, the profits of the estate should
regularly devolve to the next lawful heir, whether male or female.
And my reason for this proposal is; because considerable estates, which
probably would be squandered away among hounds, horses, whores,
sharpers, surgeons, tailors, pimps, masquerades, or architects, if left
to the management of such incurables; would, by this means, become of
some real use, both to the public and themselves. And perhaps this may
be the only method which can be found to make such young spendthrifts of
any real benefit to their country.
And although the estates of deceased incurables might be permitted to
descend to the next heirs, the hospital would probably sustain no great
disadvantage; because it is very likely that most of these heirs would
also gradually be admitted under some denomination or other; and
consequently their estates would again devolve to the use of the
hospital.
As to the wealthy misers, &c., I would have their private fortunes
nicely examined and calculated; because, if they were old bachelors, (as
it would frequently happen,) their whole fortunes should then be
appropriated to the endowment; but, if married, I would leave two-thirds
of their fortunes for the support of their families; which families
would cheerfully consent to give away the remaining third, if not more,
to be freed from such peevish and disagreeable governors.
So that, deducting from the two hundred thousand incurables the forty
thousand scribblers, who to be sure would be found in very bad
circumstances; I believe, among the remaining hundred and sixty thousand
fools, knaves, and coxcombs, so many would be found of large estates and
easy fortunes, as would at least produce two hundred thousand pounds
_per annum_.
As a further addition to our endowment, I would have a tax upon all
inscriptions and tombstones, monuments and obelisks, erected to the
honour of the dead, or on porticoes and trophies, to the honour of the
living; because these will naturally and properly come under the article
of lies, pride, vanity, &c.
And if all inscriptions throughout this kingdom were impartially
examined, in order to tax those which should appear demonstrably false
or flattering, I am convinced that not one-fifth part of the number
would, after such a scrutiny, escape exempted.
Many an ambitious turbulent spirit would then be found, belied with the
opposite title of "lover of his country"; and many a Middlesex justice,
as improperly described, "sleeping in hope of salvation."
Many an usurer, discredited by the appellations of "honest and frugal";
and many a lawyer, with the character of conscientious and "equitable."
Many a British statesman and general, decaying, with more honour than
they lived; and their dusts distinguished with a better reputation than
when they were animated.
Many dull parsons, improperly styled eloquent; and as many stupid
physicians, improperly styled learned.
Yet, notwithstanding the extensiveness of a tax upon such monumental
impositions, I will count only upon twenty thousand, at five pounds
_per annum_ each, which will amount to one hundred thousand pounds
annually.
To these annuities, I would also request the Parliament of this nation
to allow the benefit of two lotteries yearly; by which the hospital
would gain two hundred thousand pounds clear. Nor can such a request
seem any way extraordinary, since it would be appropriated to the
benefit of fools and knaves, which is the sole cause of granting one for
this present year.
In the last place, I would add the estate of Richard Norton, Esq.;[180]
and, to do his memory all possible honour, I would have his statue
erected in the very first apartment of the hospital, or in any other
which might seem more apt. And, on his monument, I would permit a long
inscription, composed by his dearest friends, which should remain
tax-free for ever.
From these several articles, therefore, would annually arise the
following sums.
M. Th. H.
P. Ann.
From the voluntary contribution, £3,500,000
From the estates of the incurables, 200,000
By the tax upon tombstones, monuments,
&c. (that of Richard Norton, Esq. always
excepted,) 100,000
By two annual lotteries, 200,000
By the estate of Richard Norton, Esq. 6,000
----------
Total, £4,006,000[181]
----------
And the necessary sum for the hospital being £3,650,000
There will remain annually over and above, 356,000
Which sum of _356,000l._ should be applied towards erecting the
building, and answer accidental expenses, in such a manner as should
seem most proper to promote the design of the hospital. But the whole
management of it should be left to the skill and discretion of those who
are to be constituted governors.
It may, indeed, prove a work of some small difficulty to fix upon a
commodious place, large enough for a building of this nature. I should
have thoughts of attempting to enclose all Yorkshire, if I were not
apprehensive that it would be crowded with so many incurable knaves of
its own growth, that there would not be the least room left for the
reception of any others; by which accident, our whole project might be
retarded for some time.
Thus have I set this matter in the plainest light I could, that every
one may judge of the necessity, usefulness, and practicableness of this
Scheme: and I shall only add a few scattered hints, which, to me, seem
not altogether unprofitable.
I think the prime minister for the time being ought largely to
contribute to such a foundation; because his high station and merits
must of necessity infect a great number with envy, hatred, lying, and
such sort of distempers; and, of consequence, furnish the hospital
annually with many incurables.
I would desire that the governors appointed to direct this hospital,
should have (if such a thing were possible) some appearance of religion,
and belief in God; because those who are to be admitted as incurable
infidels, atheists, deists, and freethinkers, most of which tribe are
only so out of pride, conceit, and affectation, might perhaps grow
gradually into believers, if they perceived it to be the custom of the
place where they lived.
Although it be not customary for the natives of Ireland to meet with any
manner of promotion in this kingdom, I would, in this respect, have that
national prejudice entirely laid aside; and request, that, for the
reputation of both kingdoms, a _large_ apartment in the hospital may be
fitted up for Irishmen particularly, who, either by knavery, lewdness,
or fortune-hunting, should appear qualified for admittance; because
their numbers would certainly be very considerable.
I would further request, that a father, who seems delighted at seeing
his son metamorphosed into a fop, or a coxcomb, because he hath
travelled from London to Paris; may be sent along with the young
gentleman to the hospital, as an old fool, absolutely incurable.
If a poet hath luckily produced anything, especially in the dramatic
way, which is tolerably well received by the public, he should be sent
immediately to the hospital; because incurable vanity is always the
consequence of a little success. And, if his compositions be ill
received, let him be admitted as a scribbler.
And I hope, in regard to the great pains I have taken, about this
Scheme, that I shall be admitted upon the foundation, as one of the
scribbling incurables. But, as an additional favour, I entreat, that I
may not be placed in an apartment with a poet who hath employed his
genius for the stage; because he will kill me with repeating his own
compositions: and I need not acquaint the world, that it is extremely
painful to bear any nonsense--except our own.
My private reason for soliciting so early to be admitted is, because it
is observed that schemers and projectors are generally reduced to
beggary; but, by my being provided for in the hospital, either as an
incurable fool or a scribbler, that discouraging observation will for
once be publicly disproved, and my brethren in that way will be secure
of a public reward for their labours.
It gives me, I own, a great degree of happiness, to reflect, that
although in this short treatise the characters of many thousands are
contained, among the vast variety of incurables; yet, not any one person
is likely to be offended; because, it is natural to apply ridiculous
characters to all the world, except ourselves. And I dare be bold to
say, that the most incurable fool, knave, scold, coxcomb, scribbler, or
liar, in this whole nation, will sooner enumerate the circle of their
acquaintance as addicted to those distempers, than once imagine
_themselves_ any way qualified for such an hospital.
I hope, indeed, that our wise legislature will take this project into
their serious consideration; and promote an endowment, which will be of
such eminent service to multitudes of his Majesty's unprofitable
subjects, and may in time be of use to _themselves_ and their posterity.
* * * * *
From my Garret in Moorfields, Aug. 20, 1733.
TO THE HONOURABLE
HOUSE OF COMMONS, &c.
_The Humble Petition of the Footmen in and about the City of Dublin._
NOTE.
Swift may have written the following mock petition by way of satire
against the many absurd petitions which were presented at the time
to the Irish House of Commons, and of which two examples were
quoted in the note to a previous tract. If coal-porters and
hackney-coachmen might address the Honourable House, why not
footmen?
* * * * *
The present text is based on that found at the end of Swift's
"Serious and Useful Scheme to make an Hospital for Incurables,"
issued by George Faulkner in 1733. Faulkner reprinted this volume
in 1734.
[T. S.]
TO THE HONOURABLE HOUSE OF COMMONS, &c.
_The Humble Petition of the Footmen in and about the City of Dublin._
_Humbly Sheweth_,
That your Petitioners are a great and numerous society, endowed with
several privileges, time out of mind.
That certain lewd, idle, and disorderly persons, for several months
past, as it is notoriously known, have been daily seen in the public
walks of this City, habited sometimes in green coats, and sometimes in
laced, with long oaken cudgels in their hands, and without swords, in
hopes to procure favour, by that advantage, with a great number of
ladies who frequent those walks, pretending and giving themselves out to
be true genuine Irish footmen. Whereas they can be proved to be no
better than common toupees,[182] as a judicious eye may soon discover by
their awkward, clumsy, ungenteel gait and behaviour, by their
unskilfulness in dress, even with the advantage of wearing our habits,
by their ill-favoured countenances, with an air of impudence and dulness
peculiar to the rest of their brethren; who have not yet arrived at that
transcendent pitch of assurance. Although, it may be justly apprehended,
that they will do so in time, if these counterfeits shall happen to
succeed in their evil design, of passing for real footmen, thereby to
render themselves more amiable to the ladies.
Your petitioners do further allege, that many of the said counterfeits,
upon a strict examination, have been found in the very act of strutting,
swearing, staring, swaggering, in a manner that plainly shewed their
best endeavours to imitate us. Wherein, although they did not succeed,
yet by their ignorant and ungainly way of copying our graces, the utmost
indignity was endeavoured to be cast upon our whole profession.
Your Petitioners do therefore make it their humble request, that this
Honourable House, (to many of whom your Petitioners are nearly allied)
will please to take this grievance into your most serious consideration:
Humbly submitting, whether it would not be proper, that certain officers
might, at the public charge, be employed to search for, and discover all
such counterfeit footmen, and carry them before the next Justice of
Peace; by whose warrant, upon the first conviction, they should be
stripped of their coats, and oaken ornaments, and be set two hours in
the stocks. Upon the second conviction, besides stripping, be set six
hours in the stocks, with a paper pinned on their breast signifying
their crime, in large capital letters, and in the following words. "A. B.
commonly called A. B. Esq.; a toupee, and a notorious impostor, who
presumed to personate a true Irish footman."
And for any further offence the said toupee shall be committed to
Bridewell, whipped three times, forced to hard labour for a month, and
not be set at liberty, till he shall have given sufficient security for
his good behaviour.
Your Honours will please to observe with what lenity we propose to treat
these enormous offenders, who have already brought such a scandal on our
honourable calling, that several well-meaning people have mistaken them
to be of our Fraternity; in diminution to that credit and dignity
wherewith we have supported our station, as we always did, in the _worst
of times_.[183] And we further beg leave to remark, that this was
manifestly done with a seditious design, to render us less capable of
serving the public in any great employments, as several of our
Fraternity, as well as our ancestors have done.
We do therefore humbly implore your Honours, to give necessary orders
for our relief, in this present exigency, and your Petitioners (as in
duty bound) shall ever pray, &c.
Dublin, 1733.
ADVICE
TO THE
FREEMEN OF THE CITY OF DUBLIN,
IN THE CHOICE OF A MEMBER TO REPRESENT THEM IN PARLIAMENT.
WRITTEN IN THE YEAR 1733.
NOTE.
Swift here argues that a holder of an office under the government
cannot, of necessity, be an honest representative of the people.
There were two candidates before the freemen for the suffrages of
the City, one, Lord Mayor French, and the other Mr. John Macarrell.
The latter was an office-holder; he was Register to the Barracks,
and received his salary from the government. It was not to be
expected that he would vote against his employer, be he never so
honest a man. Swift openly informs the freemen that the Drapier is
against this man. The Lord Mayor was elected.
* * * * *
The text of this "Advice" is based on that given in the eighth
volume of Swift's Collected Works, issued in 1746. The Forster
Collection contains a made-up booklet of pp. 196-205, taken from a
volume of one of the collected editions.
[T. S.]
ADVICE TO THE FREEMEN OF THE CITY OF DUBLIN, IN THE CHOICE OF A MEMBER
TO REPRESENT THEM IN PARLIAMENT.
Those few writers, who, since the death of Alderman Burton, have
employed their pens in giving advice to our citizens, how they should
proceed in electing a new representative for the next sessions, having
laid aside their pens, I have reason to hope, that all true lovers of
their country in general, and particularly those who have any regard for
the privileges and liberties of this great and ancient city, will think
a second, and a third time, before they come to a final determination
upon what person they resolve to fix their choice.
I am told, there are only two persons who set up for candidates; one is
the present Lord Mayor,[184] and the other, a gentleman of good esteem,
an alderman of the city, a merchant of reputation, and possessed of a
considerable office under the crown.[185] The question is, which of
these two persons it will be most for the advantage of the city to
elect? I have but little acquaintance with either, so that my inquiries
will be very impartial, and drawn only from the general character and
situation of both.
In order to this, I must offer my countrymen and fellow-citizens some
reasons why I think they ought to be more than ordinarily careful, at
this juncture, upon whom they bestow their votes.
To perform this with more clearness, it may be proper to give you a
short state of our unfortunate country.
We consist of two parties: I do not mean Popish and Protestant, High and
Low Church, Episcopal and Sectarians, Whig and Tory; but of these
English who happen to be born in this kingdom, (whose ancestors reduced
the whole nation under the obedience of the English crown,) and the
gentlemen sent from the other side to possess most of the chief
employments here. This latter party is very much enlarged and
strengthened by the whole power in the church, the law, the army, the
revenue, and the civil administration deposited in their hands;
although, out of political ends, and to save appearances, some
employments are still deposited (yet gradually in a smaller number) to
persons born here; this proceeding, fortified with good words and many
promises, is sufficient to flatter and feed the hopes of hundreds, who
will never be one farthing the better, as they might easily be
convinced, if they were qualified to think at all.
Civil employments of all kinds have been for several years past, with
great prudence, made precarious, and during pleasure; by which means the
possessors are, and must inevitably be, for ever dependent; yet those
very few of any consequence, which are dealt with so sparing a hand to
persons born among us, are enough to keep hope alive in great numbers,
who desire to mend their condition by the favour of those in power.
Now, my dear fellow-citizens, how is it possible you can conceive, that
any person, who holds an office of some hundred pounds a year, which may
be taken from him whenever power shall think fit, will, if he should be
chosen a member for any city, do the least thing, when he sits in the
house, that he knows or fears may be displeasing to those who gave him
or continue him in that office? Believe me, these are no times to expect
such an exalted degree of virtue from mortal men. Blazing stars are much
more frequently seen than such heroical worthies. And I could sooner
hope to find ten thousand pounds by digging in my garden, than such a
phoenix, by searching among the present race of mankind.
I cannot forbear thinking it a very erroneous, as well as modern maxim
of politics, in the English nation, to take every opportunity of
depressing Ireland; whereof an hundred instances may be produced in
points of the highest importance, and within the memory of every
middle-aged man; although many of the greatest persons among that party
which now prevails, have formerly, upon that article, much differed in
their opinion from their present successors.
But so the fact stands at present. It is plain that the court and
country party here, (I mean in the House of Commons,) very seldom agree
in anything but their loyalty to his present Majesty, their resolutions
to make him and his viceroy easy in the government, to the utmost of
their power, under the present condition of the kingdom. But the persons
sent from England, who (to a trifle) are possessed of the sole executive
power in all its branches, with their few adherents in possession who
were born here, and hundreds of expectants, hopers, and promissees, put
on quite contrary notions with regard to Ireland. They count upon a
universal submission to whatever shall be demanded; wherein they act
safely, because none of themselves, except the candidates, feel the
least of our pressures.
I remember a person of distinction some days ago affirmed in a good deal
of mixed company, and of both parties, that the gentry from England, who
now enjoy our highest employments of all kinds, can never be possibly
losers of one farthing by the greatest calamities that can befall this
kingdom, except a plague that would sweep away a million of our hewers
of wood and drawers of water, or an invasion that would fright our
grandees out of the kingdom. For this person argued, that while there
was a penny left in the treasury, the civil and military list must be
paid; and that the Episcopal revenues, which are usually farmed out at
six times below the real value, could hardly fail. He insisted farther,
that as money diminished, the price of all necessaries for life must of
consequence do so too, which would be for the advantage of all persons
in employment, as well as of my lords the bishops, and to the ruin of
everybody else. Among the company there wanted not men in office,
besides one or two expectants; yet I did not observe any of them
disposed to return an answer; but the consequences drawn were these:
That the great men in power sent hither from the other side, were by no
means upon the same foot with his Majesty's other subjects of Ireland;
they had no common ligament to bind them with us; they suffered not with
our sufferings; and if it were possible for us to have any cause of
rejoicing, they could not rejoice with us.