DEAR FRIEND,--After you bid us good-bye, I began to think about things,
and resolved to write you a little letter about my conclusions. Of
course, because I am a foreigner, I cannot pretend to make absolutely
correct conclusions; but I should like to be of use to you as a friend,
and therefore believe that I cannot do any harm by presenting both sides
of the question, as they appear to me.
It seems that there is one view of the matter which might not have been
fully thought over yet. The woman's side, I mean. It is true she has not
stated it; but I imagine it might be this:--
A woman of cultivation, although seeming very strong, may be very
sensitive and delicate--and may suffer more than a strong man can
imagine possible, by reason of very little matters. When about to become
a mother, her capacity for suffering greatly increases, and after
childbirth it remains intense. These are natural conditions; but after
the loss of a child, the condition is a very serious one, especially for
a lady who has been well educated. I know this chiefly by some knowledge
of medical physiology.--Now, what I mean is this: Anything that a wife
does during or after pregnancy should, I believe, be not only forgiven,
but _lovingly_ forgiven,--because _then_, what she suffers no man can
really understand. And the more educated she is, the more refined she
is, the more she suffers.
Suppose now we look at her view,--or at what might be her view. She has
a very affectionate and true husband; but he is very strong, has never
been nervous or nervously sick, cannot understand what she suffers. She
is ashamed to confess her weakness and her pain. So she does not tell
him. She smiles and tries to make it appear that she is strong. The
loss of her child is a very great pain to her--more than any man could
understand; but she tries to forget it. Still, her husband does not
know all this. She is not able to be quick and active and ready, and
he does not understand why. Even a woman's memory weakens during this
painful period. Her mind is not so strong, and can only become as before
after the weaning of her child, or many months after childbirth. To the
strong peasant-woman this is a small trial; but to the educated lady it
is a question of life and death, and not a few even lose their reason
after losing a child--become insane. The physiologist knows this; but
many do not. And the wife, in such a case, may seem not to be kind to
the parents--simply because she _cannot_ be. She has the will,--not the
physical power. She is in the position of one who needs a servant--needs
all the help and comfort she can get--all the love she can obtain. She
cannot give help and do service; because neither body nor mind is strong
enough. And neither is strong enough--_because_ she has been strained
to her uttermost by her years of education. It is the same way the
world over. The lady cannot do or suffer as much as the woman who has
not passed her youth at schools. Mind and body have been transformed by
education.
Now, dear friend, I imagine that this must be the state of affairs.
Your wife and her parents do not wish to do wrong, in my opinion. She
feels that she is not strong enough to remain your wife under the same
conditions. She cannot bear hardship, or do many things which seem to a
man mere trifles, while in a delicate condition. And she fears that she
would be unhappy and sick and lose another child. But she will never
_tell_ you. A woman will not tell those things. Unless a husband can
understand _without being told_,--the two cannot live together long.
The result must be, for the wife, death!
I think, dear friend, that this is the truth of the matter. Now you can
separate good friends, or else--what could you do?
If I were in your place, perhaps I should try to prevent the separation.
I should let the wife have her own gentle way. I should try to make her
comfortable, and not ask her to help me or my parents in any way,--but
only to bear my children and to love me, and to make home happy. But
_unless_ she has a good heart, I should be wrong.
There is no question, I think, about the good heart. Your wife has that,
surely. It seems to me only a case of misunderstanding. Remember, dear
friend, that you are a very strong man, and that you can afford to be
very considerate to a weak woman, after the torture of childbirth and
the loss of the love--the child-love--for which Nature has been changing
the whole body. Remember also, that even your parents--not knowing the
strain of this new education on the physical system of the girl--might
judge her a little severely. Certainly she must love you, and wish that
she could be to you all you wish.
Forgive this long letter. What I want to say is this: If it be not too
late, let us try whether a reconciliation is not possible. If you can
make allowances, and change conditions a little, all would be well,
perhaps. If _not_,--if you want a stronger woman for a wife,--perhaps it
is better to separate. But it would be a great pity to separate simply
because of a misunderstanding. So let us try to make things as they were
before.
Affectionately your friend,
Y. KOIZUMI.