DEAR FRIEND,--I am afraid this letter which I am now writing will not
please you altogether. Forgive anything in it which you do not like--for
the sake of the friendship behind it.
The matter is difficult; and I cannot at this moment report any
progress. I understand something of the matter. It is not any use to try
to do anything further until I explain things as well as I can, and have
heard your answer. Before I can do anything more, I want you to make
some promises to _me_, your friend. After that you can make them to her,
if you love her well enough.
To begin with, in regard to explanation, I think you are wrong, and that
your wife and her father are quite right. Under the same circumstances,
if I were her father, I should take her away from her husband if I could.
You are not wrong by _heart_--you are wrong only because you do not
understand, do not know the conditions. Women of different classes
cannot be all treated alike. Your wife is a refined, gentle lady--very
sensitive and very easily hurt by harsh words or neglect. You cannot
expect to treat such a lady like a farm-servant or a peasant-woman. It
would kill her. But I have heard (_not_ from your wife, but from other
persons) that she was allowed by you to work in the garden, under a hot
sun, thirty days after childbirth and the loss of her child. This seems
to me a _terrible_ thing, and you cannot have known what it means to a
woman's constitution.
A refined lady will not submit to be treated like a servant--unless she
has no spirit at all. Your wife's action shows that she has self-respect
and spirit; and you want the mother of your children to be a woman of
spirit and self-respect. Do not be angry with her because she shows this
honourable pride. It is good.
I do not think that you can expect your wife to act as a daughter to
your parents, or to live with them as a daughter exactly in the old
way. Meiji has changed many things. Girls who have passed through the
new schools are no longer hardy and strong like the Samurai women of
old days. Observe how many of them die after a year of marriage.
Then your parents and your wife belong to different eras,--different
conditions,--different worlds. If they should expect your wife to be all
to them that a daughter-in-law might have been in the old days, I fear
that would be impossible. She has not the strength for that; and her
whole nature is differently constituted.
I think you could only be happy by living alone with each other in your
own house. Perhaps this seems wrong to you,--but that is Meiji. The
fault is in the times, not in hearts.
If you marry another educated lady of the new school, you will have
exactly the same trouble. The old conditions cannot be maintained under
the new system of change.
But the chief trouble, of course, would be your attitude to your wife.
You have not, I think, been considerate to her--regarded her too much
as one bound to serve and obey. It will not do in _her_ case. She has
spirit, and she wants different treatment. It is better for a strong
man to treat a wife exactly as he would treat a child that he loves.
By her weakness and delicacy every educated woman is a child, and
must be petted and loved like a child. If she be harshly treated, and
have no pleasure--even if she be treated as well as you would treat a
_man_-friend--then the result is unfortunate always, and the children
born will show the mother's pain.
Your wife is evidently afraid of the future--thinks it impossible that
she can get from you the treatment or the consideration she ought to
have, and must have in order to be happy. She will not say anything
definite; but I am sure of this. She will not tell you her troubles--you
should know them without being told. Not to know them _shows_ the want
of consideration.
The higher you go in society and in educated circles, the more the woman
differs from the man. She cannot be judged or understood as a man. She
becomes a distinct being with a distinct character, and very, very
delicate feelings.
Well, this is enough to give you an idea of how I see the matter. _Can
you honestly promise to treat your wife in a completely new way,--with
such delicacy as you never did before, and always?_ If you can, I
_think_ we can manage to do something. There is also something important
to consider in regard to family matters. Can you not make this matter
smooth also? Please answer before three o'clock. Do not come to the
house until late this evening, or to-morrow. In haste,
Affectionately, your friend,
Y. KOIZUMI.