873. The father of the celebrated Sheridan was one day descanting on the

pedigree of his family, regretting that they were no longer styled the

O’Sheridans, as they were formerly. Indeed, father, replied Sheridan,

then a boy, we have more right to the O than any one else; for we owe

everybody.

874. A country carpenter having neglected to make a gibbet (which was

ordered by the executioner), on the ground that he had not been paid for

the last he erected, gave so much offence, that the next time the judge

went the circuit he was sent for. Fellow, said the judge, in a stern

tone, how came you to neglect making the gibbet that was ordered on my

account? I humbly beg your pardon, said the carpenter, had I known it

had been for your lordship, it should have been done immediately.

875. An Intendant of Montpellier, having lost his lady, was solicitous

that the chief officers of the city should attend her funeral obsequies.

This honour the magistrates thought proper to refuse, because it was not

customary, and might introduce a bad precedent. With a view, however, to

conciliate the favour of a person whom it would not be their interest to

offend, they politely added, If, sir, it had been your own funeral, we

should have attended it with the greatest pleasure.

876. An Irish bookseller, previous to a trial in which he was the

defendant, was informed by his counsel, that if there were any of the

jury to whom he had personal objection, he might legally challenge them.

Faith, and so I will, replied he; if they do not bring me off handsomely

I will shoot every man of them.

877. A prisoner confined in a French prison for a petty debt, lately

sent to his creditor, to let him know he had a proposal to make for

their mutual benefit. The creditor came, and the incarcerated thus

addressed him: Sir, I have been thinking that it is a very idle thing

for me to be here, and put you to the expense of twenty sous a day. My

being so chargeable to you has given me great uneasiness, and God knows

what it may cost you in the end. Therefore, I propose that you should

let me out of prison, and, instead of a franc, you shall allow me only

ten sous a day, and the other half franc shall go towards the discharge

of the debt.[3]

[3] By the French law a creditor is bound to allow his debtor a franc

a day so long as he detains him in prison.

878. Porson was no less distinguished for his wit and humour during his

residence in Cambridge, than for his profound learning; and he would

frequently divert himself by sending quizzical morceaux, in the shape of

notes, to his companions. He one day sent his gyp with a note to a

certain Cantab, who is now a D.D. and master of his college, requesting

him to find the value of nothing; next day he met his friend walking,

and, stopping him, he desired to know, whether he had succeeded? His

friend answered, Yes. And what may it be? asked Porson. Sixpence!

replied he, which I gave the man for bringing the note.

879. A fellow of atrocious ugliness chanced to pick up a looking-glass

on his road. But when he looked at himself he flung it away in a rage,

crying, Curse you, if you were good for anything you would not have been

thrown away by your owner.

880. Dr. Graham being on his stage at Chelmsford, in Essex, in order to

promote the sale of his medicines, told the country people that he came

there for the good of the public, not for want. Then speaking to his

merry Andrew, Andrew, said he, do we come here for want? No, faith, sir,

said Andrew, we have enough of that at home.

881. An Irish gentleman meeting his nephew, who told him he had just

been entered at college, replied, I am extremely happy to hear it; make

the most of your time and abilities, and I hope I shall live to hear you

preach my funeral sermon.

882. An old gentleman, who used to frequent one of the coffee-houses in

Dublin, being unwell, thought he might make so free as to steal an

opinion concerning his case; accordingly, one day he took an opportunity

of asking one of the faculty, who sat in the same box with him, what he

should take for such a complaint? Advice, said the doctor.

883. An Irishman maintained in company that the sun did not make his

revolution round the earth. But how, said one to him, is it possible,

that having reached the west, where he sets, he could be seen to rise in

the east, if he did not pass underneath the globe? How puzzled you are,

replied the obstinate ignorant man; he returns the same way; and if it

be not perceived, it is on account of his coming back by night.

884. Baron d’Adrets occasionally made his prisoners throw themselves

headlong, from the battlements of a high tower, upon the pikes of his

soldiers. One of these unfortunate persons, having approached the

battlements twice, without venturing to leap, the baron reproached him

with his want of courage, in a very insulting manner. Why, sir, said the

prisoner, bold as you are, I would give you five times before you took

the leap. This pleasantry saved the poor fellow’s life.

885. An Irishman, angling in the rain, was observed to keep his line

under the arch of a bridge; upon being asked the reason, he gave the

following answer: To be sure, the fishes will be after crowding there,

in order to keep out of the wet.

886. A foolish fellow went to the parish priest, and told him, with a

very long face, that he had seen a ghost. When and where? said the

pastor. Last night, replied the timid man, I was passing by the church,

and up against the wall of it, did I behold the spectre. In what shape

did it appear? replied the priest. It appeared in the shape of a great

ass. Go home, and say not a word about it, rejoined the pastor: you are

a very timid man, and have been frightened by your own shadow.

887. A lady remarking to a bookseller that she had just had Crabbe’s

Tales, and thought them excellent; another lady heard the observation

with astonishment, and on the departure of the speaker, asked the

bookseller, with a very grave face, If he could tell her how the crab’s

tails were dressed, as she should like much to taste them.

888. A very worthy, though not particularly erudite, underwriter at

Lloyd’s was conversing one day with a friend in the coffee-house, on the

subject of a ship they had mutually insured. His friend observed, Do you

know, I shrewdly suspect our ship is in jeopardy. The devil she is! said

he; well, I am glad that she has got into port at last.

889. Sir Thomas Overbury says, that the man who has not anything to

boast of but his illustrious ancestors, is like a potato plant―the only

good belonging to him is under ground.

890. It is well known that the celebrated lawyer Dunning (afterwards

Lord Ashburton) was a severe cross-examiner, unsparing in his sarcasms

and reflections upon character, when he thought that the truth might be

elicited by alarming a witness. He sometimes was harsh and overbearing,

when milder behaviour would have done him more credit, and answered his

purpose quite as well. Among the numerous rebukes which he received for

this habit of severity, the following is related, from his brother

barrister, Jack Lee. He mentioned to Lee that he had made a purchase of

some manors in Devonshire. It would be well, said Lee, if you could

bring them to Westminster Hall.

891. The late Lee Lewes shooting on a field, the proprietor attacked him

violently: I allow no person, said he, to kill game on my manor but

myself, and I’ll shoot you, if you come here again. What, said the

other, I suppose you mean to make game of me.

892. George the Fourth, on hearing some one declare that Moore had

murdered Sheridan, in his biography of that statesman, observed: I won’t

say that Mr. Moore has murdered Sheridan, but he has certainly attempted

his life.

893. The late Duke of Norfolk was remarkably fond of his bottle. On a

masquerade night, he consulted Foote as to what character he should

appear in. Don’t go disguised, said Foote, but assume a new character;

go sober.

894. Lord B―, who sports a ferocious pair of whiskers, meeting Mr.

O’Connell in Dublin, the latter said, When do you mean to place your

whiskers on the peace establishment? When you place your tongue on the

civil list! was the witty rejoinder.

895. A gentleman, at whose house Swift was once dining in Ireland,

introduced at dinner remarkably small hock glasses, and at length

turning to Swift addressed him,―Mr. Dean, I shall be happy to take a

glass of _hic_, _hæc_, _hoc_, with you. Sir, rejoined the doctor, I

shall be happy to comply, but it must be out of a _hujus_ glass.

896. There were two very fat noblemen at the court of Louis the

Fifteenth, the Duke de L― and the Duke de N―. They were both one day

at the levee, when the king began to rally the former on his corpulence.

You take no exercise, I suppose, said the king. Pardon me, sire, said de

L―, I walk twice a day round my cousin de N―.

897. An avaricious fenman, who kept a very scanty table, dining on

Saturday with his son at an ordinary in Cambridge, whispered in his ear,

Tom, you must eat for to-day and to-morrow. O, yes, retorted the

half-starved lad, but I ha’nt eaten for yesterday and to-day yet,

father.

898. Shortly after the commencement of the last war, a tax was laid on

candles, which, as a political economist would prove, made them dear. A

Scotch wife, in Greenock, remarked to her chandler, Paddy Macbeth, that

the price was raised, and asked why. It’s a’ owin’ to the war, said

Paddy. The war! said the astonished matron, gracious me! are they gaun

to fight by candle light?

899. Dr. Parr, who, it is well known, was not very partial to the Thea

linensis, although lauded so warmly by a French writer as _nostris

gratissima musis_, being invited to take tea by a lady, with true

classic wit and refined gallantry, uttered the following delicate

compliment:―_Non possum te-cum vivere, nec sine te!_

900. Benjamin Franklin, when a child, found the long graces used by his

father before and after meals, very tedious. One day, after the winter’s

provisions had been salted―I think, father, said Benjamin, if you were

to say grace over the whole cask once for all, it would be a great

saving of time.

901. Mr. Pitt, said the Duchess of Gordon, I wish you to dine with me at

ten this evening. I must decline the honour, said the premier, for I am

engaged to sup with the Bishop of Lincoln at nine.

902. Burnet relates that the Habeas Corpus Act was carried by an odd

artifice in the House of Lords. Lords Grey and Norris being named the

tellers, and Lord Norris being subject to vapours, was not at all times

attentive; on a very fat lord passing, Lord Grey counted him as ten, as

a jest at first, but seeing Lord Norris had not observed it, he went on,

and it was reported to the house, and it was declared, that they who

were for the bill, were the majority, though it was really on the other

side; and by this means the bill was passed. Would that all tricks had

the same happy results!

903. The late Bonnel Thornton, like most wits, was a lover of

conviviality, which frequently led him to spend the whole night in

company, and all the next morning in bed. On one of these occasions, an

old female relation, having waited on him before he had risen, began to

read him a familiar lecture on prudence; which she concluded by saying,

Ah! Bonnel, Bonnel! I see plainly that you’ll shorten your days. Very

true, Madam, replied he, but, by the same rule, you must admit that I

shall lengthen my nights.

904. An attorney, who was much molested by a fellow importuning him to

bestow something, threatened to have him taken up as a common beggar. A

beggar! exclaimed the man, I would have you to know that I am of the

same profession as yourself; are we not both solicitors? That may be,

friend, yet there is this difference―you are not a legal one, which I

am.

905. Two Oxonians dining together, one of them noticing a spot of grease

on the neckcloth of his companion, said, I see you are a Grecian. Pooh!

said the other, that’s far-fetched. No, indeed, said the punster, I made

it on the spot.

906. Foote being in company, and the Tuscan grape producing more riot

than concord, he observed one gentleman so far gone in debate as to

throw the bottle at his antagonist’s head; upon which, catching the

missile in his hand, he restored the harmony of the company, by

observing, that if the bottle was passed so quickly, not one of them

would be able to stand out the evening.

907. On Mr. H. Erskine’s receiving his appointment to succeed Mr.

Dundas, as justiciary in Scotland, he exclaimed that he must go and

order his silk robe. Never mind, said Mr. Dundas, for the short time you

will want it, you had better borrow mine! No! replied Erskine, how short

a time soever I may need it, heaven forbid that I commence my career by

adopting the abandoned habits of my predecessor.

908. Lord Mansfield being willing to save a man who stole a watch,

desired the jury to value it at tenpence; upon which the prosecutor

cried out, Tenpence, my lord! why the very fashion of it cost me five

pounds. Oh, said his lordship, we must not hang a man for fashion’s

sake.

909. One morning a party came into the public rooms at Buxton, somewhat

later than usual, and requested some tongue. They were told that Lord

Byron had eaten it all. I am very angry with his lordship, said a lady,

loud enough for him to hear the observation. I am sorry for it, madam,

retorted Lord Byron; but before I ate the tongue, I was assured you did

not want it.

910. Sir William Gooch being engaged in conversation with a gentleman in

a street of the city of Williamsburgh, returned the salute of a negro,

who was passing by about his master’s business. Sir William, said the

gentleman, do you descend so far as to salute a slave? Why, yes, replied

the governor; I cannot suffer a man of his condition to exceed me in

good manners.

911. A learned Irish Judge, among other peculiarities, has a habit of

begging pardon on every occasion. On his circuit, a short time since,

his favourite expression was employed in a singular manner. At the close

of the assize, as he was about to leave the bench, the officer of the

court reminded him that he had not passed sentence on one of the

criminals, as he had intended―Dear me! said his lordship, I really beg

his pardon―bring him in.

912. Dr. Parr and Lord Erskine are said to have been the vainest men of

their time. At dinner, some years since, Dr. Parr, in ecstasy with the

conversational powers of Lord E., called out to him, My lord, I mean to

write your epitaph. Dr. Parr, replied the noble lawyer, it is a

temptation to commit suicide.

913. Gibbon the historian, notwithstanding his shortness and rotundity,

was very gallant. One day being alone with Madame de Cronuas, Gibbon

wished to seize the favourable moment, and suddenly dropping on his

knees, he declared his love in the most passionate terms. Madame de

Cronuas replied in a tone to prevent the repetition of such a scene.

Gibbon was thunder-struck, but still remained on his knees, though

frequently desired to get up and resume his seat. Sir, said Madame de

Cronuas, will you have the goodness to rise? Alas, madam, replied the

unhappy lover, I cannot―(his size prevented him from rising without

assistance)―upon this Madame de Cronuas rang the bell, saying to the

servant, Assist Mr. Gibbon up.

914. An Irishman, who served on board a man-of-war in the capacity of a

waister, was selected by one of the officers to haul in a tow-line, of

considerable length, that was towing over the taffrail. After rowsing-in

forty or fifty fathoms, which had put his patience severely to proof, as

well as every muscle of his arms, he muttered to himself, By my soul,

it’s as long as to-day and to-morrow!―It’s a good week’s work for any

five in the ship!―Bad luck to the arm or leg it’ll lave me at

last!―What! more of it yet!―Och, murder; the sa’s mighty deep, to be

sure! When, after continuing in a similar strain, and conceiving there

was little probability of the completion of the labour, he stopped

suddenly short, and addressing the officer of the watch, exclaimed, Bad

manners to me sir, if I don’t think somebody’s cut off the other end of

it!

915. Rose, private secretary to Louis XIV., having married his daughter

to M. Portail, president of the parliament, was constantly receiving

from his son-in-law, complaints of his daughter’s ill temper. To one of

these he at length answered, that he was fully convinced of her

misconduct, and was resolved to punish her for it: in short, that if he

heard any more of it, he would disinherit her. He heard no more.

916. It was some years ago said in the parliament-house at Edinburgh,

that a gentleman who was notorious for a pretty good appetite, had eaten

away his senses. Poh! replied Erskine, they would not be a mouthful to a

man of his bowels.

917. Sir Watkin Williams Wynne talking to a friend about the antiquity

of his family, which he carried up to Noah, was told that he was a mere

mushroom of yesterday. How so, pray? said the baronet. Why continued the

other, when I was in Wales, a pedigree of a particular family was shown

to me: it filled up above five large skins of parchment, and near the

middle of it was a note in the margin―About this time the world was

created.

918. A gentleman having occasion to call upon Mr. Joseph Graham, writer,

found him at home in his writing chamber. He remarked the great heat of

the apartment, and said, It was hot as an oven. So it ought, replied Mr.

G., for ’tis here I make my bread.

919. Judge Burnet, son of the famous Bishop of Salisbury, when young, is

said to have been of a wild and dissipated turn. Being one day found by

his father in a very serious humour, What is the matter with you, Tom?

said the bishop; what are you ruminating on? A greater work than your

Lordship’s History of the Reformation, answered the son. Ay! what is

that? asked the father. The reformation of myself, my lord, replied the

son.

920. A facetious abbé having engaged a box at the opera-house at Paris,

was turned out of his possession by a marshal of France, as remarkable

for his ungentlemanlike behaviour as for his cowardice and meanness. The

abbé, for his unjustifiable breach of good manners, brought his action

in a court of honour, and solicited permission to be his own advocate,

which was granted, when he pleaded to the following effect:―It is not

of Monsieur Suffrein, who acted so nobly in the East Indies, that I

complain; it is not of the Duke de Crebillon, who took Minorca, that I

complain; it is not of the Comte de Grasse, who so bravely fought Lord

Rodney, that I complain; but it is of Marshal ―, who took my box at

the opera-house, and never took anything else. This most poignant stroke

of satire so sensibly convinced the court that he had already inflicted

punishment sufficient, that they refused to grant him a verdict―a fine

compliment to the abbé’s wit.

921. Frederic, conqueror as he was, sustained a severe defeat at Coslin

in the war of 1755. Some time after, at a review, he jocosely asked a

soldier, who had got a deep cut in his cheek, Friend, at what alehouse

did you get that scratch? I got it, said the soldier, at Coslin, where

your majesty paid the reckoning.

922. During an action of Admiral Rodney with the French, a woman

assisted at one of the guns on the main deck, and being asked by the

admiral, what she did there? she replied, An’t please your honour, my

husband is sent down to the cockpit wounded, and I am here to supply his

place: do you think, your honour, I am afraid of the French?

923. The celebrated Bubb Doddington was very lethargic. Falling asleep

one day after dinner with Sir Richard Temple and Lord Cobham, the

general, the latter reproached Doddington with his drowsiness.

Doddington denied having been asleep; and to prove he had not, offered

to repeat all Lord Cobham had been saying. Cobham challenged him to do

so. Doddington repeated a story, and Lord Cobham owned he had been

telling it. And yet, said Doddington, I did not hear a word of it; but I

went to sleep because I knew that about this time you would tell that

story.

924. When the late Duchess of Kingston wished to be received at the

court of Berlin, she got the Russian minister there to mention her

intention to his Prussian majesty, and to tell him at the same time,

that her fortune was at Rome, her bank at Venice, but that her heart was

at Berlin. The king replied, I am sorry we are only intrusted with the

worst part of her grace’s property.

925. Fletcher, Bishop of Nismes, was the son of a tallow-chandler. A

proud duke once endeavoured to mortify the prelate, by saying, at the

levee, that he smelt of tallow: to which the bishop replied, My lord, I

am the son of a chandler, it is true, and if your lordship had been, you

would have remained so all the days of your life.

926. Zimmerman, who was very eminent as a physician, went from Hanover

to attend Frederic the Great in his last illness. One day the king said

to him, You have, I presume, sir, helped many a man into another world?

This was a rude speech, and an unpleasant pill for the doctor; but the

dose he gave the king in return, was a judicious mixture of truth and

flattery: Not so many as your majesty, nor with so much honour to

myself.

927. During the riots of 1780, most persons in London, in order to save

their houses from being burned or pulled down, wrote on the outside, No

Popery! Old Grimaldi, to avoid all mistakes, wrote on his, No Religion.

928. Mr. Palmer going home, after the business of the theatre was

concluded one evening, saw a man lying on the ground, with another on

him beating him violently; upon this he remonstrated with the uppermost,

telling him his conduct was unfair, and that he ought to let his

opponent get up, and have an equal chance with him. The fellow drolly

turned up his face to Mr. Palmer, and drily replied, Faith, sir, if you

had been at as much trouble to get him down as I have, you would not be

for letting him get up so readily.

929. A French ambassador at an audience with James I. conversed with

such rapidity, gesticulation, and grimace, as excited the wonder and

conversation of the court. James afterwards asked Lord Chancellor Bacon,

what he thought of the ambassador. Sire, replied the philosopher, he

appears a fine, tall, well-built man. I mean, interrupted the king, what

do you think of his head? is it equal to his employment? Sire, answered

Bacon, men of high stature very often resemble houses of four or five

stories, where the upper one is always the worst furnished.

930. In Mr. Fox’s frolicsome days, a tradesman, who held his bill for

two hundred pounds, called for payment. Charles said he could not then

discharge it. How can that be? said the creditor; you have just now

lying before you bank notes to a large amount. Those, replied Mr. Fox,

are for paying my debts of honour. The tradesman immediately threw his

bill into the fire. Now, sir, said he, mine is a debt of honour, which I

cannot oblige you to pay. Charles, much to his honour, instantly paid

him his full demand.

931. The Duke d’Ossuna, being viceroy of Naples, went on board a Spanish

galley, on a festival, to exercise his right of delivering one of the

wretches from punishment. On interrogating them why they were brought

there, they all asserted their innocence but one, who confessed that his

punishment was too small for his crimes. The duke said, Here, take away

this rascal, lest he should corrupt all these honest men!

932. V― having satirized a nobleman who was powerful at court, the

latter sought every occasion to revenge himself, and challenged V― to

fight him with swords. We are not equals, replied the poet; you are very

great, I am little; you are brave, I am cowardly; you wish to kill

me―_eh bien_, I will consider myself as dead. This timely jest turned

the anger of the nobleman into irrestrainable laughter, and they parted

good friends.

933. In the time of the old court, the faces of the Parisian ladies were

spotted with patches like pards, and plastered with rouge like so many

red lions of the roadside. Lord Chesterfield, being at Paris, was asked

by Voltaire, if he did not think some French ladies, then in company,

whose cheeks were fashionably tinted, very beautiful. Excuse me, said

Chesterfield, from giving an opinion: I am really no judge of amateur

painting.

934. George II. passing through his chamber one evening, preceded by a

single page, a small canvas bag of guineas, which he held in his hand,

accidentally dropped, and one of them rolled under a closet door, in

which wood was usually kept for the use of his bed-chamber. After the

king had very deliberately picked up the money, he found himself

deficient of a guinea; and, guessing where it went, Come, said he to the

page, we must find this guinea; here, help me to throw out the wood. The

page and he accordingly went to work, and after some time found it.

Well, said the king, you have wrought hard, there is the guinea for your

labour, but I would have nothing lost.

935. A beauish marquis waited on some ladies, in order to take them to

the Paris Observatory, where the celebrated Cassini was to observe an

eclipse of the sun. The arrival of this party had been delayed by the

toilet; and the eclipse was over when the petit-maitre appeared at the

door. He was informed he had come too late, and that all was over. Never

mind, ladies, said he, step up; Monsieur Cassini is a particular friend

of mine; he will be so obliging as to begin again for me.

936. When Rabelais was on his death-bed, a consultation of physicians

was called. Dear gentlemen, said the wit to the doctors, raising his

languid head, let me die a natural death.

937. Dr. Busby, whose figure was beneath the common size, was one day

accosted in a public coffee-room, by an Irish baronet of colossal

stature, with, May I pass to my seat, O Giant? When the doctor, politely

making way, replied, Pass, O Pigmy! Oh, sir, said the baronet, my

expression alluded to the size of your intellect. And my expression,

sir, said the doctor, to the size of your’s.

938. An apothecary, who used to value himself on his knowledge of drugs,

asserted that all bitter things were hot. No, said a gentleman present,

there is one of a very different quality―a bitter cold day.

939. Philip, Earl Stanhope, whose dress always corresponded with the

simplicity of his manners, was once prevented from going into the House

of Peers by a door-keeper who was unacquainted with his person. Lord

Stanhope was resolved to get into the house without explaining who he

was; and the door-keeper, equally determined on his part, said to him,

Honest man, you have no business here; honest man, you can have no

business in this place. I believe, rejoined his lordship, you are right;

honest men have no business here.

940. When the late King of Denmark was in England, he very frequently

honoured Sir Thomas Robinson with his company, though the knight spoke

French in a very imperfect manner, and the king had scarce any knowledge

of English. One day, when Sir Thomas was in company with the late Lord

Chesterfield, and boasted much of his intimacy with the king, and added,

that he believed the monarch had a greater friendship for him than any

man in England, How report lies, exclaimed Lord Chesterfield; I heard no

later than this day, that you never met but a great deal of bad language

passed between you.

941. One of the most flattering and ingenious compliments Frederick ever

paid, was that which he addressed to the celebrated General Laudohn, at

the time of his interview with the emperor at the camp of Neiss. After

they had discoursed for about an hour, the two monarchs sat down to

dinner, with the princes and general officers in their train. Marshal

Laudohn, who had been invited among the rest, was about to seat himself

at the bottom of the table, but the king bade him come and sit by him,

saying, Come here, General Laudohn; I have always wished to see you on

my side, instead of fronting me.

942. Dr. Walcot, better known as Peter Pindar, called one day upon a

bookseller in Paternoster Row, the publisher of his works, by way of

inquiring into the literary and other news of the day. After some chat,

the doctor was asked to take a glass of wine with the seller of his wit

and poetry. Our author consented to accept of a little negus as an

innocent morning beverage; when instantly was presented to him a

cocoa-nut goblet, with the face of a man carved on it. Eh! eh! said the

doctor, what have we here? A man’s skull, replied the bookseller; a

poet’s for what I know. Nothing more likely, rejoined the facetious

doctor, for it is universally known that all you booksellers drink your

wine from our skulls.

943. A gentleman who was dining with another, praised very much the

meat, and asked who was the butcher? His name is Addison. Addison!

echoed the guest, pray is he any relation to the poet? In all

probability he is, for he is seldom without his steel (Steele) by his

side.

944. Swift having paid a visit at Sir Arthur Acheson’s country seat, and

being, on the morning of his return to his deanery, detained a few

minutes longer than he expected at his breakfast, found, when he came to

the door, his own man on horseback, and a servant of Sir Arthur’s

holding the horse he was to ride himself. He mounted, turned the head of

his horse towards his own man, and asked him in a low voice if he did

not think he should give something to the servant who held his horse,

and if he thought five shillings would be too much: No, sir, it will

not, if you mean to do the thing handsomely, was the reply. The dean

made no remark upon this, but when he paid his man’s weekly account,

wrote under it, Deducted from this, for money paid to Sir Arthur’s

servant for doing your business, five shillings.

945. Two Irish porters meeting in Dublin, one addressed the other with,

Och, Thady, my jewel, is it you? Are you just come from England! Pray

did you see anything of our old friend, Pat Murphy? The devil a sight,

replied he, and what’s worse, I’m afraid I never shall. How so? Why, he

met with a very unfortunate accident lately. Amazing! What was it? O,

indeed, nothing more than this; as he was standing on a plank, talking

devoutly to a priest, at a place in London which I think they call the

Old Bailey, the plank suddenly gave way, and poor Murphy got his neck

broke.

946. A Quaker from Bristol, who lately alighted at an inn, called for

some porter, and observing, as it is now the fashion, the pint deficient

in quantity, thus addressed the landlord: Pray, friend, how many butts

of beer dost thou draw in a month? Ten, sir, replied Boniface. And thou

wouldst like to draw eleven if thou couldst, rejoined Ebenezer.

Certainly, exclaimed the smiling landlord. Then I will tell thee how,

friend, added the Quaker―fill thy measures.

947. A man who was on the point of being married, obtained from his

confessor his certificate of confession. Having read it, he observed

that the priest had omitted the usual penance. Did you not tell me, said

the confessor, that you were going to be married?

948. Lord Galloway was an enemy to the Bute administration. At the

change of the ministry he came to London, for the first time in the late

king’s reign. He was dressed in black, in a very uncourtly style. When

he appeared at the levee, the eyes of the company were turned upon him,

and George Selwyn being asked who he was, replied, A Scotch undertaker

come to bury the last administration.

949. Old Astley, one evening, when his band was playing an overture,

went up to the horn players, and asked why they were not playing? They

said they had twenty bars rest. Rest! said he, I’ll have nobody rest in

my company; I pay you for playing, not for resting.

950. Tom Tickle was peculiarly odd in his manner of drawing characters.

He once sent his servant to a gentleman, remarkable for being always in

a hurry, with a message of great importance; but the servant returned,

and told his master that the gentleman was in so great a hurry he could

not speak to him. It is no more than what I expected, said Tom, for he

loses an hour in the morning, and runs after it all day.

951. As the late Chevalier Taylor was once enumerating, in company, the

great honours which he had received from the different princes of

Europe, and the orders with which he had been dignified by numerous

sovereigns, a gentleman present took occasion to remark, that he had not

named the king of Prussia; adding, I suppose, sir, that monarch never

gave you any order! You are quite mistaken, sir, replied the Chevalier;

for I can most positively assure you, that he gave me a very peremptory

order―to quit his dominions.

952. A lady of rank, dancing one evening, approached so near to a

chandelier, that the fluttering plume of feathers, waving to and fro on

her forehead, came in contact with the flame, and the whole was

instantly in a blaze. The illumination, however, was quickly and happily

extinguished without harm; when her husband, seeing the danger avoided,

and the thoughtlessness of the act, peevishly and half angrily

exclaimed, Surely, your ladyship must be absolutely mad! No, no, replied

her ladyship, only a little light-headed.

953. A poor player, in a mixed company, undertook to quote a passage

from Shakespeare, that should be applicable to any remark that might be

made by any person present. A forward young fellow undertook to supply a

sentence that he believed could not be answered from the works of the

bard; and addressing the player, he said, You are the most insolent

pretender in the room. “You forget yourself,” promptly replied the

player, quoting from the quarrel-scene between Brutus and Cassius.

954. At a public dinner, a gentleman observed a person who sat opposite

use a toothpick which had just done the same service to his neighbour.

Wishing to apprise him of his mistake, he said, I beg your pardon, sir,

but you are using Mr. ―’s toothpick. I know I am. By the powers, sir,

do you think I am not going to return it!

955. A Leicestershire farmer, who had never seen a silver fork, had some

soup handed to him at a dinner lately. He found that no spoon was placed

at his elbow. Lifting the fork, and twirling it in his fingers for some

time, he called the waiter, and requested him to bring a silver spoon

wi’out ony slits in it.

956. A sailor coming across Blackheath one evening, was stopped by a

footpad, who demanded his money, when a scuffle ensued. The tar took the

robber, and bore away with his prize to a justice of the peace at

Woolwich. When the magistrate came to examine into the assault, he told

the sailor that he must take his oath that the robber had put him in

bodily fear, otherwise he could not commit him. The sailor, looking

stedfastly at the justice, answered, He,―he put me in bodily fear! No,

nor any he that ever lived; therefore, if that is the case you may let

him go, for I will not swear to any such thing.

957. A barrister entered the hall with his wig very much awry, of which

he was not apprised, but endured from almost every observer some remark

on its appearance, till at last, addressing himself to Mr. Curran, he

asked him, Do you see anything ridiculous in this wig? The answer

instantly was, Nothing but the head.

958. Sterne, who used his wife very ill, was one day talking to Garrick

in a fine sentimental manner, in praise of conjugal love and fidelity.

The husband, said Sterne, who behaves unkindly to his wife, deserves to

have his house burnt over his head. If you think so, said Garrick, I

hope your house is insured.

959. A lady after performing, with the most brilliant execution, a

sonata on the pianoforte, in the presence of Dr. Johnson, turning to the

philosopher, took the liberty of asking him if he was fond of music? No,

madam, replied the doctor; but of all noises I think music is the least

disagreeable.

960. The Abbé Maury, who had rendered himself obnoxious to the

democrats, during the French revolution, was one night seized by the

mob, who looked round for a lamp-post to suspend him on. Pray, my good

friends, said the Abbé, were you to hang me to that lamp-post, do you

think that you would see any the clearer for it? This well-timed wit

softened the rabble and saved his life.

961. Salezzo de Pedrada praising an old lady for her beauty, she

answered, that beauty was incompatible with her age. To which Salezzo

replied, We say, as beautiful as an angel; and yet the angels are, of

all creatures, the most ancient.

962. A French officer quarreling with a Swiss, reproached him with his

country’s vice of fighting on either side for money, while we Frenchmen,

said he, fight for honour. Yes, sir, replied the Swiss, every one fights

for that which he most wants.

963. When the late Mr. Windham, the war minister, was upon a trip to the

continent, he met with a Dutch clergyman, who was very eager in his

inquiries as to the doctrines and discipline of the church of England,

to which he received satisfactory answers; those, however, were

succeeded by others of a more difficult nature, particularly as to the

manner in which some English preachers manufacture their sermons. Upon

Mr. Windham confessing his ignorance of this subject, the Dutchman, in a

tone of disappointment, exclaimed, Why, then, I find, sir, after all the

conversation we have had, that I have been deceived as to your

profession: they told me you were an English minister.

964. Dr. Savage, who died in 1747, travelled in his younger days with

the Earl of Salisbury, to whom he was indebted for a considerable living

in Hertfordshire. One day at the levee, the king (George I.) asked him

how long he had resided at Rome with Lord Salisbury? Upon his telling

how long, Why, said the king you stayed there long enough; how is it you

did not convert the Pope? Because, sir, replied the doctor, I had

nothing better to offer him.

965. On the Scotch circuits, the judges gave dinners, having an

allowance for that purpose. The great Lord Kames was extremely

parsimonious; and, at a circuit dinner at Perth, did not allow claret,

as had been the custom. The conversation turned on Sir Charles Hardy’s

fleet, which was then blockaded by the French; and one of the company

asked what had become of our fleet. Mr. Henry Erskine answered,

Confined, like us, to port.

966. M. Lalande, the French astronomer, during the whole time of the

revolution, confined himself to the study of that science. When he found

that he had escaped the fury of Robespierre, he jocosely said, I may

thank my stars for it.

967. After Dr. Johnson had been honoured with an interview with the

king, in the queen’s library at Buckingham House, he was interrogated by

a friend concerning his reception, and his opinion of the royal

intellect. His majesty, replied the doctor, seems to be possessed of

much good-nature and much curiosity, and is far from contemptible. His

majesty, indeed, was multifarious in his questions, but he answered them

all himself.

968. A common councilman was hoaxed into an opinion, that, as a

representative of the citizens, he was entitled to ride through the

turnpikes free of expense. He next day mounted his nag, to ascertain his

civic privileges; and asked at the turnpike at the Dog-row, in Mile-end

road, if, as a common councilman, he had not a right to pass without

payment? Yes, replied the turnpike man archly, you may pass yourself,

but you must pay for your horse.

969. There was a lady of the west country, that gave a great

entertainment at her house, to most of the gallant gentlemen thereabout,

and, among others, Sir Walter Raleigh. This lady, though otherwise a

stately dame, was a notable good housewife; and in the morning betimes

she called to one of her maids that looked to the swine, and asked, Are

the pigs served? Sir Walter Raleigh’s chamber was close to the lady’s.

Before dinner the lady came down in great state into the

assembling-room, which was full of gentlemen, and as soon as Sir Walter

cast his eyes upon her, Madam, are the pigs served? The lady answered,

You know best whether you have had your breakfast.

970. Joseph II. Emperor of Germany, travelling in his usual way, without

his retinue, attended by only a single aide-de-camp, arrived very late

at the house of an Englishman, who kept an inn in the Netherlands. It

being fair time, and the house rather crowded, the host, ignorant of his

guest’s quality, appointed them to sleep in an out-house, which they

readily complied with; and, after eating a few slices of ham and

biscuit, retired to rest, and in the morning paid their bill, which

amounted to only 3_s._ 6_d._ English, and rode off. A few hours

afterwards, several of his suite coming to inquire after him, and the

publican understanding the rank of his guest, appeared very uneasy.

Psha! psha! man, said one of the attendants, Joseph is accustomed to

such adventures, and will think no more of it. But I shall, replied the

landlord; for I can never forget the circumstance, nor forgive myself

neither, for having had an emperor in my house, and letting him off for

3_s._ 6_d._

971. Some years ago, says Richardson, in his Anecdotes of Painting, a

gentleman came to me to invite me to his house: I have, said he, a

picture of Rubens, and it is a rare good one. There is little H. the

other day came to see it, and said it was a copy. If any one says so

again, I’ll break his head. Pray, Mr. Richardson, will you do me the

favour to come, and give me your real opinion of it?

972. A chimney-sweep having descended a wrong chimney, made his sudden

appearance in a room where two men, one named Butler and the other Cook,

were enjoying themselves over a pot of beer. How now, cried the former,

what news from the other world? The sweep perceiving his mistake, and

recollecting the persons, very smartly replied, I came to inform you

that we are very much in want of a Butler and Cook.

973. One of the Dover stages, on its way to London, was stopped by a

single highwayman, who was informed by the coachman there were no inside

passengers, and only one in the basket, and he was a sailor. The robber

then proceeded to exercise his employment on the tar; when waking him

out of his sleep Jack demanded what he wanted; to which the son of

plunder replied, Your money. You shan’t have it, said Jack. No! replied

the robber, then I’ll blow your brains out. Blow away then, you

land-lubber, cried Jack, squirting the tobacco-juice out of his mouth, I

may as well go to London without brains as without money; drive on,

coachman.

974. After a loud preface of O yes, pronounced most audibly three times,

in the High Street, Newmarket, the late Lord Barrymore, having collected

a number of persons together, made the following general proposal to the

gapers, Who wants to buy a horse that can walk five miles an hour, trot

sixteen, and gallop twenty? I do, said a gentleman, with manifest

eagerness. Then, replied Lord Barrymore, If I see any such animal to be

sold, I will be sure to let you know.

975. The Duke of Longueville’s reply, when it was observed to him that

the gentlemen bordering on his estates were continually hunting upon

them, and that he ought not to suffer it, is worthy of imitation: I had

much rather, answered the duke, have friends than hares.

976. A gentleman was once praising the style of Swift before Johnson:

the doctor did not find himself in the humour to agree with him; the

critic was driven from one of his performances to another. At length,

you must allow me, said the gentleman, that there are strong facts in

the account of the “Four last years of Queen Anne.” Yes, surely, replied

Johnson, and so there always are in the Newgate Calendar.

977. Johnson made Goldsmith a comical answer one day, when he was

repining at the success of Beattie’s Essay on Truth. Here is such a

stir, said he, about a fellow that has written one book, and I have

written many. Ah, doctor, said his friend, there go two and forty

sixpences, you know, to one guinea.

978. A finished coquette, at a ball, asked a gentleman near her, while

she adjusted her tucker, whether he could flirt a fan, which she held in

her hand. No, madam, answered he, proceeding to use it, but I can fan a

flirt.

979. A notorious thief, being to be tried for his life, confessed the

robbery he was charged with. The judge hereupon directed the jury to

find him guilty on his own confession. The jury having laid their heads

together, brought him in Not guilty. The judge bid them consider of it

again; but still they brought in their verdict Not guilty. The judge

asked the reason. The foreman replied, There is reason enough, for we

all know him to be one of the greatest liars in the world.

980. A notorious culprit, who suffered some years since at Salisbury,

and the last of three brothers who had been executed for similar

offences, after sentence was passed, said, My lord, I humbly thank you.

His lordship, astonished, asked him for what? Because, my lord, I

thought I should have been hung in chains, which would have been a

disgrace to the family.

981. Dean Jackson, passing one morning through Christchurch quadrangle,

met some undergraduates, who walked along without capping. The dean

called one of them, and asked, Do you know who I am? No, sir. How long

have you been in college? Eight days, sir. Oh, very well, said the dean,

walking away, puppies don’t open their eyes till the ninth day.

982. A little lawyer appearing as evidence in one of the courts, was

asked by a gigantic counsellor, what profession he was of; and having

replied that he was an attorney―You a lawyer! said Brief, why I could

put you in my pocket. Very likely you may, rejoined the other, and if

you do, you will have more law in your pocket than ever you had in your

head.

983. When George Bidder, the calculating phenomenon, was a very little

boy, he made the tour of England with his father, displaying everywhere

his astonishing power of combining and resolving numbers. Among several

very ingenious and difficult questions prepared purposely for him, an

ignorant pedagogue asked (without furnishing any data), How many cow’s

tails would reach to the moon? The boy, turning upon the inquirer an eye

of considerable archness, answered instantly, One, if it were long

enough.

984. Mr. Moore having been long under a prosecution in Doctors Commons,

his proctor called on him one day whilst he was composing the tragedy of

the Gamester. The proctor having sat down, he read him four acts of the

piece, being all he had written, by which the man of law was so much

affected, that he exclaimed, Good God! can you add to this couple’s

distress in the last act? Oh, very easily, said the poet, I intend to

put them in the Ecclesiastical Court.

985. Ned Shuter was often very poor, and being still more negligent than

poor, was careless about his dress. A friend overtaking him one day in

the street, said to him, Why, Ned, are you not ashamed to walk the

streets with twenty holes in your stockings? why don’t you get them

mended? No, my friend, said Ned, I am above it; and if you have the

pride of a gentleman, you will act like me, and walk with twenty holes

rather than have one darn. How, replied the other, how do you make that

out? Why, replied Ned, a hole is the accident of the day; but a darn is

premeditated poverty.

986. The witty Lord Ross, having spent all his money in London, set out

for Ireland, in order to recruit his purse. On his way, he happened to

meet with Sir Murrough O’Brien, driving towards Dublin in a lofty

phaeton with six prime dun-coloured horses. Sir Murrough, exclaimed his

lordship, what a contrast there is between you and me! you are driving

your duns before you, but my duns are driving me before them.

987. The high-bailiff of Birmingham, attended by some officers of the

town, goes round on a market-day to examine the weight of the butter,

and they seize all which is found short of sixteen ounces. A countryman,

who generally stood in a particular place, having on a former market-day

lost two pounds of butter, was seen, the next time they came round, to

laugh heartily, while the officers were taking a considerable quantity

from a woman who stood near him. One of the officers, not pleased with

the fellow’s want of decorum, particularly in the presence of men vested

with such high authority, said, What do you mean by laughing, fellow? I

took two pounds from you last week. I’ll lay you a guinea of it, said

the countryman. Done, replied the officer; and immediately put a guinea

into the hands of a respectable tradesman, who was standing at his own

door. The countryman instantly covered it; and then, with a triumphant

grin, said, Well done, thickhead, if it had been two pounds would you

have taken it from me? Was it not for being short of weight that I lost

it? The umpire without hesitation decided it in his favour, to the great

mortification of the humble administrator of justice.

988. An Irishman, some years ago, attending the University of Edinburgh,

waited upon one of the most celebrated teachers of the German flute,

desiring to know on what terms he would give him a few lessons: the

flute-player informed him, that he generally charged two guineas for the

first month, and one guinea for the second. Then, by my soul, replied

the Hibernian, I’ll begin the second month!

989. Foote being at table next to a gentleman who had helped himself to

a very large piece of bread; he took it up and cut a piece off. Sir,

said the gentleman, that is my bread. I beg a thousand pardons, sir,

said Foote, I protest I took it for the loaf.

990. The Marquis della Scalas, an Italian nobleman, having invited the

neighbouring gentry to a grand entertainment, where all the delicacies

of the season were provided, some of the company arrived very early, for

the purpose of paying their respects to his excellency: soon after

which, the major-domo, entering the dining-room in a great hurry, told

the marquis that there was a fisherman below, who had brought one of the

finest fish in all Italy, for which, however, he demanded a most

extravagant price. Regard not his price, cried the marquis; pay him the

money directly. So I would, please your highness, but he refuses to take

any money. What, then, would the fellow have? A hundred strokes of the

strappado on his bare shoulders, my lord; he says he will not bate a

single blow. On this, the whole company ran down stairs, to see so

singular a man. A fine fish! cried the marquis; what is your demand, my

friend? Not a quatrini, my lord, answered the fisherman; I will not take

money: if your lordship wishes to have the fish, you must order me a

hundred lashes of the strappado on my naked back; otherwise I shall

apply elsewhere. Rather than lose the fish, said the marquis, we must

e’en let this fellow have his humour. Here! cried he to one of his

grooms, discharge this honest man’s demands: but don’t lay on too hard;

don’t hurt the poor devil very much! The fisherman then stripped, and

the groom prepared to execute his lordship’s orders. Now, my friend,

said the fisherman, keep an exact account, I beseech you; for I don’t

desire a single stroke more than my due. The whole company were

astonished at the amazing fortitude with which the man submitted to the

operation, till he had received the fiftieth lash; when, addressing

himself to the servant, Hold, my friend, cried the fisherman; I have now

had my full share of the price. Your share? exclaimed the marquis; what

is the meaning of all this? My lord, returned the fisherman, I have a

partner, to whom my honour is engaged, that he shall have his full half

of whatever I receive for the fish; and your lordship, I dare venture to

say, will by and by own that it would be a thousand pities to defraud

him of a single stroke. And pray, honest friend, said the marquis, who

is this partner? Your porter, my lord, answered the fisherman, who keeps

the outer gate of the palace, and refused to admit me, unless I would

promise him half what I should obtain for the fish. Ho! ho! exclaimed

the marquis, laughing very heartily, by the blessing of heaven, he shall

have double his demand in full! The porter was accordingly sent for; and

being stripped to the skin, two grooms were directed to lay on with all

their might till he had fairly received what he was so well entitled to.

The marquis then ordered his steward to pay the fisherman twenty

sequins; desiring him to call annually for the like sum, as a recompense

for the friendly service he had rendered him.

991. Mr. Pope being one night crossing the street from Button’s

coffee-house, when the moon occasionally peeped through a cloud, was

accosted by a link-boy with, Light, your honour! light, your honour! He

repeatedly exclaimed, I do not want you. But the lad still following

him, he peevishly cried out, Get about your business: God mend me! I

will not give you a farthing; it’s light enough. It’s light enough,

echoed the lad, what’s light enough? your head or your pocket? God mend

you, indeed! it would be easier to make two men, than mend one such as

you.

992. A fellow, walking down Holborn Hill on a sultry summer evening,

observed an old gentleman, without his hat, panting and leaning upon a

post, and courteously asked him what was the matter? Sir, said the old

man, an impudent puppy has just snatched my hat off, and run away with

it: I have run after him until I have quite lost my breath, and cannot,

if my life depended on it, go a step farther. What, not a step? said the

fellow. Not a step, returned he. Why then, by Jupiter, I must have your

wig; and snatching off his fine flowing caxon, the thief was out of

sight in a minute.

993. Two tars, just landed, went to see an old acquaintance, who kept

what they humorously called a grog-shop, in a village near Portsmouth,

the sign of the Angel. On their entering the place, they stared about

for the wished-for sign. There it is! said one. Why, you fool, replied

the other, that’s a peacock. Who do you call fool? retorted Ben; how the

devil should I know the difference, when I never saw an angel in my

life?

994. The late Colonel O’Kelly, well known to all the lovers of the turf,

having, at a Newmarket meeting, proposed a considerable wager to a

gentleman who, it seems, had no knowledge of him; the stranger,

suspecting the challenge came from one of the black-legged fraternity,

begged to know what security he would give for so large a sum if he

should lose, and where his estates lay. O! the dear craters, I have the

map of them about me, and here it is, sure enough, said O’Kelly, pulling

out a pocket-book, and giving unequivocal proofs of his property, by

producing bank-notes to a considerable amount.

995. After a successful attack on the royal party in 1745, a Higlander

gained a watch as his share of the plunder. Unacquainted with its use,

he listened with equal surprise and pleasure to the ticking sound with

which his new acquisition amused him; after a few hours, however, the

watch was down, the noise ceased, and the dispirited owner, looking on

the toy no longer with satisfaction, determined to conceal the

misfortune which had befallen it, and to dispose of it to the first

person who should offer him a trifle in exchange. He soon met with a

customer, but at parting he could not help exclaiming, Why, she died

last night.

996. When Mr. Penn, the proprietor of Pennsylvania, and the most

considerable man among the Quakers, went to court to pay his respects to

Charles II., that merry monarch, observing the Quaker not to lower his

beaver, took off his own hat, and stood uncovered before Penn, who said,

Prithee, friend Charles, put on thy hat. No, friend Penn, said the king,

it is usual for only one man to stand covered here.

997. A person had been relating many incredible stories when Professor

Engel, who was present, in order to repress his impertinence, said, But,

gentlemen, all this amounts to but very little, when I can assure you

that the celebrated organist, Abbé Vogler, once imitated a thunder-storm

so well, that for miles round all the milk turned sour.

998. The late Bishop of Worcester, Dr. Hough, was remarkable for

sweetness of temper, as well as every other christian virtue; of which

the following story affords a proof:―A young gentleman, whose family

had been well acquainted with the bishop, in making the tour of England

before he went abroad, called to pay his respects to his lordship as he

passed by his seat in the country. It happened to be at dinner time, and

the room full of company. The bishop, however, received him with much

familiarity; but the servant in reaching him a chair, threw down a

curious weather-glass that had cost twenty guineas, and broke it. The

gentleman was under infinite concern, and began to make an apology for

being himself the occasion of the accident, when the bishop with great

good nature interrupted him. Be under no concern, sir, said his

lordship, smiling, for I am much beholden to you for it: we have had a

very dry season; and now I hope we shall have rain, as I never saw the

glass so low in my life. Every one was pleased with the humour and

pleasantry of the turn.

999. Dr. Johnson was observed by a musical friend of his to be extremely

inattentive at a concert, whilst a celebrated solo player was running up

the divisions and subdivisions of notes upon his violin. His friend, to

induce him to take greater notice of what was going on, told him how

extremely difficult it was. Difficult, is it, sir! replied the doctor; I

wish it were impossible.

1000. An American general was once in company where there were some few

Scotch. After supper, when the wine was served up, the general rose and

addressed the company in the following words:―Gentlemen, I must inform

you, that when I get a little groggish, I have an absurd custom of

railing against the Scotch; I hope no gentleman in company will take it

amiss. With this he sat down. Up started M―, a Scotch officer, and

without seeming the least displeased, said, Gentlemen, I, when I am a

little groggish, and hear any person railing against the Scotch, have an

absurd custom of kicking him out of the company; I hope no gentleman

will take it amiss. It is hardly necessary to add, that, that night, he

had no occasion to exert his talents.

1001. The father of a late Lord Hardwicke was hanged for forgery. When

Lord H. sat as chancellor, an old countryman was examined as to a

particular fact, the exact date of which he could not recollect. All

that I remember about it, said he, is, that it happened on the day old

Yorke was hanged.

1002. A theatrical lady, celebrated for everything but continence, at

length resolved to marry and reform. Her conduct was duly canvassed in

the dressing-rooms of the theatres. I am told, cried one, that she

confessed to her liege lord all her amours. What a proof of courage!

exclaimed one lady. What an extraordinary instance of candour! said

another. What an amazing instance of memory! cried a third.

1003. Elliston had many friends and some relations in the church.

Visiting one of the latter, who had some occasion to call upon his

clerk, who was also the town crier, Elliston accompanied his friend; the

crier was from home, and whilst the reverend gentleman explained to the

man’s wife the nature of his visit, Elliston looked over two or three

things that had been left to be cried that evening, amongst others, one

was of a dog lost, who, amid his peculiar spots and blemishes, had “sore

eyes;” Elliston always alive for a joke, altered the word sore to four.

The crier came home, took up the several notices and commenced his

round, enunciating in sonorous tones, Lost a black and tan coloured

terrier, and answers to the name of Carlo; has two black legs and four

eyes. You vagabond, cried the traveller to whom the dog belonged, how do

you think I shall ever get my dog, if you describe it in that way? The

crier maintained that it was according to the original, and, upon

examination, it was evident the paper had been tampered with. Home went

the crier, boiling with indignation; his wife had informed him of the

call of his reverend employer, but had said nothing about his companion,

and therefore no doubt remained on the clerk’s mind, that his reverend

master himself had played the trick. He awaited patiently until Sunday

for his revenge, and before he took his seat in the clerk’s pew, removed

the book of St. John from the New Testament. The clergyman gave out the

lesson, as the 2nd chapter of St. John, (the clerk had previously known

it was to be selected from thence,) and then began to look in vain for

the book in question; at last he whispered to the clerk, What has become

of St. John? He can’t come, was the reply, he has got sore eyes.

1004. Dr. Carpue always gave it as his opinion, that Mathews, the

comedian, had experienced improper treatment at the time of his

accident, and that had he been in judicious hands, he would not have

been lame. Some one speaking upon this subject to R―, said, I

understand Mathews means to leave his broken leg to Carpue when he dies.

The devil he does! said R―; well, for my part, I should be sorry to

have such a leg-as-he (legacy).

1005. The Bishop of Ermeland lost a great portion of his revenues, in

consequence of the occupation of part of Poland by the King of Prussia.

Soon after this event, in the year 1773, he waited on his majesty at

Potsdam; when the king asked him, if he could, after what had happened,

still have any friendship for him? Sire! said the prelate, I shall never

forget my duty, as a good subject, to my sovereign. I am, replied the

king, still your very good friend, and likewise presume much on your

friendship towards me; for, should St. Peter refuse my entrance into

Paradise, I hope you will have the goodness to hide me under your

mantle, and take me in along with you. Sire! returned the bishop, that

will, I fear, scarcely be possible: your majesty has cut it too short to

admit of my carrying any contraband goods beneath it.

1006. A gentle sprinkle of rain happening, a plough-boy left his work

and went home; but his master seeing him there, told him that he should

not have left his work for so trifling an affair, and begged for the

future he would stay until it rained downright. A day or two afterwards

proving a very rainy day, the boy stayed till dusk, and being almost

drowned, his master asked him why he did not come home before? Why I

should, said the boy, but you zed I shou’dn’t come home vore it rained

downright; and it has not rained downright yet, for it was aslaunt all

day long.

1007. A lady desired her butler to be saving of an excellent tun of

small beer, and asked him how it might best be preserved. I know of no

method so effectual, my lady, said the butler, as placing a barrel of

good ale by it.

1008. A humorous fellow being subpœnaed as a witness on a trial for

an assault, one of the counsel, who had been notorious for brow-beating

witnesses, asked him what distance he was from the parties when the

assault happened; he answered, Just four feet five inches and a half.

How come you to be so very exact, fellow? said the counsel. Because I

expected some fool or other would ask me, said he, and so I measured it.

1009. Francis I. of France, being told the people made very free with

his character in their songs, answered, It would be hard indeed not to

allow them a song for their money.

1010. An honest Hibernian, whose bank-pocket (to use his own phrase) had

stopped payment, was forced to the sad necessity of perambulating the

streets of Edinburgh two nights together for want of a few pence to pay

his lodgings, when accidentally hearing a person talk of the Lying-in

Hospital, he exclaimed, That’s the place for me! Where is it, honey? for

I’ve been lying out these two nights past.

1011. A painter was employed in painting a West India ship in the river,

suspended on a stage under the ship’s stern. The captain, who had just

got into the boat alongside, for the purpose of going ashore, ordered

the boy to let go the painter (the rope which makes fast the boat): the

boy instantly went aft, and let go the rope by which the painter’s stage

was held. The captain, surprised at the boy’s delay, cried out,

Heigh-ho, there, you lazy lubber, why don’t you let go the painter? The

boy replied, He’s gone, sir, pots and all.

1012. A young man, boasting of his health and constitutional stamina, in

the hearing of Wewitzer, the player, was asked to what he chiefly

attributed so great a happiness. To what, sir? to laying in a good

foundation, to be sure. I make a point, sir, to eat a great deal every

morning. Then I presume, sir, remarked Wewitzer, you usually breakfast

in a timber-yard.

1013. A captain in the navy, meeting a friend as he landed at

Portsmouth, boasted that he had left his whole ship’s company the

happiest fellows in the world. How so? asked his friend. Why I have just

flogged seventeen, and they are happy it is over; and all the rest are

happy that they have escaped.

1014. A witness was called upon to testify concerning the reputation of

another witness for veracity. Why, said he, I hardly know what to tell

you: M― sometimes jests and jokes, and then I don’t believe him; but

when he undertakes to tell anything for a fact, I believe him as much as

I do the rest of my neighbours.

1015. An Irish journal announced the accouchement of her grace the Duke

of Dorset. Next day it was thus corrected: For “her grace the Duke of

Dorset,” read “his grace the Duchess of Dorset.”

1016. One evening, Tom Sheridan, after sitting with his father over a

bottle, was complaining of the emptiness of his pocket. The right

honourable manager told him jocularly, to go on the highway. I have

tried that already, said he, but without success. Ah! how? replied the

father. Why, resumed he, I stopped a caravan full of passengers, who

assured me they had not a farthing, as they all belonged to Drury Lane

Theatre, and could not get a penny of their salary.

1017. A man meeting his friend, said, I spoke to you last night in a

dream. Pardon me, replied the other, I did not hear you.

1018. An eccentric barber, some years ago, opened a shop under the walls

of the King’s Bench prison. The windows being broken when he opened the

house he mended them with paper, on which appeared―‘Shave for a penny,’

with the usual invitation to customers; and over the door was scrawled

these lines:

Here lives Jemmy Wright,

Shaves as well as any man in England,

Almost―not quite.

Foote (who loved anything eccentric) saw these inscriptions, and hoping

to extract some wit from the author, whom he justly concluded to be an

odd character, pulled off his hat, and thrusting his head through one of

the paper panes into the shop, called out, Is Jemmy Wright at home? The

barber immediately forced his own head through another pane into the

street, and replied, No, sir, he has just popped out. Foote laughed

heartily, and gave the man a guinea.

1019. A fellow had to cross a river, and entered the boat on horseback;

being asked the cause, he replied, I must ride, because I am in a hurry.

1020. Pray, Mr. Abernethy, what is the cure for gout? asked an indolent

and luxurious citizen. Live upon sixpence a day, and earn it! was the

pithy answer.

1021. Dr. Boldero, of Jesus College, had been treated with great

severity by the protectorate for his attachment to the royal cause, as

was also Herring, at that time Bishop of Ely, and in whose gift the

mastership of Jesus College is vested. On a vacancy of the mastership

occurring, Boldero, without any pretensions to the appointment,

presented a petition to the bishop. Who are you? said his lordship, I

know nothing of you? I never heard of you before! My lord, replied

Boldero, I have suffered long and severely for my attachment to my royal

master, as well as your lordship, and I believe your lordship and I have

been in all the gaols in England. What does the fellow mean! exclaimed

the bishop; Man! I never was confined in any prison but the Tower! And,

my lord, said Boldero, I have been in all the rest myself! The bishop’s

heart was melted at this reply, and he granted Boldero’s petition.

1022. The witty and licentious Earl of Rochester meeting with the great

Isaac Barrow in the park, told his companions that he would have some

fun with the rusty old put. Accordingly, he went up with great gravity,

and, taking off his hat, made the doctor a profound bow, saying, Doctor,

I am yours to my shoe-tie. The doctor, seeing his drift, immediately

pulled off his beaver, and returned the bow, with My lord, I am yours to

the ground. Rochester followed up his salutation by a deeper bow,

saying, Doctor, I am yours to the centre. Barrow, with a lowly

obeisance, replied, My lord, I am yours to the Antipodes. His lordship,

nearly gravelled, exclaimed, Doctor, I am yours to the lowest pit of

hell. There, my lord, said Barrow, sarcastically, I leave you; and

walked off.

1023. The following anecdote is related of the great Duke of

Marlborough. The duchess was pressing the duke to take a medicine; and,

with her usual warmth, said, I’ll be hanged if it do not prove

serviceable. Dr. Garth, who was present, exclaimed, Do take it then, my

lord duke; for it must be of service, in one way or the other.

1024. Cardinal de Bernis, when only an Abbé, solicited Cardinal Fleury,

then fourscore, for some preferment. Fleury told him fairly, he should

never have anything in his time. Bernis replied, _Monseigneur,

j’attendrai_ [My lord, I shall wait].

1025. Mr. Suckling, a clergyman of Norfolk, having a quarrel with a

neighbouring gentleman, who insulted him, and at last told him, his gown

was his protection. The doctor replied, It may be mine, but it shall not

be yours; and pulling it off, thrashed the aggressor.

1026. In some parish churches it was the custom to separate the men from

the women. A clergyman, being interrupted by loud talking, stopped

short, when a woman, eager for the honour of the sex, arose and said,

Your reverence, it is not among us. So much the better, answered the

priest; it will be over the sooner.

1027. The evening before a battle, an officer came to ask Marshal Toiras

for permission to go and see his father, who was at the point of death.

Go, said the general, who saw through the pretext; thou shalt honour thy

father and thy mother, that thy days may be long upon the earth.

1028. A French gentleman, being married a second time, was often

lamenting his first wife before his second, who one day, said to him,

_Monsieur, je vous assure qu’il n’y a personne qui la regrette plus que

moi_ [I assure you, sir, no one regrets her more than I do].

1029. A methodist in America, bragging how well he had instructed some

Indians in religion, called up one of them, and, after some questions,

asked him if he had not found great comfort last Sunday, after receiving

the sacrament. Ay, master, replied the savage, but I wished it had been

brandy.

1030. Towards the close of the reign of George the Second, the beautiful

Countess of Coventry talking to his majesty about shows, and thinking

only of the figure she herself would make in a procession, told him, the

sight she wished most to see was a coronation.

1031. William, Duke of Cumberland, gave promises of talents that were

never accomplished. One day he had given some offence to his royal

mother, and was remanded to the confinement of his chamber. After what

the queen thought a sufficient duration of his punishment, she sent for

him. He returned in a very sullen humour. What have you been doing? said

the queen. Reading. What book? The New Testament. Very well: what part?

Where it is said, Woman, why troublest thou me?

1032. A vicar and curate of a village, where there was to be a burial,

were at variance. The vicar not coming in time, the curate began the

service, and was reading the words, “I am the resurrection,” when the

vicar arrived, almost out of breath, and, snatching the book out of the

curate’s hands, with great scorn, cried, You the resurrection! “I am the

resurrection”―and then went on.

1033. A French officer being just arrived at the court of Vienna, and

the empress hearing that he had the day before been in company with a

great lady, asked him if it were true that she was the most handsome

princess of her time? The officer answered, with great gallantry, Madam,

I thought so yesterday.

1034. The _spretæ injuria formæ_ is the greatest with a woman. A man of

rank, hearing that two of his female relations had quarrelled, asked,

Did they call each other ugly? No. Well, well; I shall soon reconcile

them.

1035. Wit, or even what the French term _esprit_, seems little

compatible with feeling. Fontenelle was a great egotist, and thought of

nothing but himself. One of his old acquaintances went one day to see

him at his country house, and said he had come to eat a bit of dinner.

What shall we have? Do you like asparagus? said Fontenelle. If you

please; but with oil. Oil! I prefer them with sauce. But sauce disagrees

with me, replied the guest. Well, well, we will have them with oil.

Fontenelle then went out to give his orders; but on his return, found

his poor acquaintance dead of an apoplexy. Running to the head of the

stairs, he called out, Cook! dress the ’sparagus with sauce.

1036. An ignorant soldier at Quebec, observing some of his comrades stay

behind him at church, asked them, on their coming out, what was the

reason? They told him, jeeringly, that the parson had treated them with

some wine. No other liquor? said the fellow. Seeing he swallowed the

bait, they answered, that he might have what liquor he chose. Next

Sunday he stayed to have his share; and when the clergyman offered him

the wine, he put up his hand to his head, in token of salutation, and

said modestly, Please your reverence, I should prefer punch.

1037. A French peer, a man of wit, was making his testament: he had

remembered all his domestics, except his steward; I shall leave him

nothing, said he, because he has served me these twenty years.

1038. A president of the parliament of Paris asked Langlois, the

advocate, why he so often burdened himself with bad causes? My lord,

answered the advocate, I have lost so many good ones, that I am puzzled

which to take.

1039. Mr. Pitt’s plan, when he had the gout, was to have no fire in his

room, but to load himself with bed-clothes. At his house at Hayes he

slept in a long room, at one end of which was his bed, and his lady’s at

the other. His way was, when he thought the Duke of Newcastle had fallen

into any mistake, to send for him, and read him a lecture. The duke was

sent for once, and came, when Mr. Pitt was confined to bed by the gout.

There was, as usual, no fire in the room; the day was very chilly, and

the duke, as usual, afraid of catching cold. The duke first sat down on

Mrs. Pitt’s bed as the warmest place; then drew up his legs into it, as

he got colder. The lecture unluckily continuing a considerable time, the

duke at length fairly lodged himself under Mrs. Pitt’s bed-clothes. A

person, (who related the story to Horace Walpole,) suddenly going in,

saw the two ministers in bed, at the two ends of the room; while Pitt’s

long nose, and black beard unshaved for some days, added to the

grotesqueness of the scene.

1040. The Duke of Orleans, the regent, had four daughters, distinguished

by the names of the Four Cardinal Sins. A wag wrote on their mother’s

tomb, _Cy gist l’Oisiveté_, [Here lies Idleness,] which, you know, is

termed the mother of all the vices.

1041. Sir T. Robinson was a tall, uncouth man, and his stature was often

rendered still more remarkable by his hunting dress, and postillion’s

cap, a tight green jacket, and buckskin breeches. He was liable to

sudden whims; and once set off on a sudden, in his hunting suit, to

visit his sister, who was married and settled at Paris.―He arrived

while there was a large company at dinner. The servant announced M.

Robinson, and he came in, to the great amazement of the guests. Among

others, a French abbé thrice lifted his fork to his mouth, and thrice

laid it down, with an eager stare of surprise. Unable to restrain his

curiosity any longer, he burst out with, Excuse me, sir, are you the

famous Robinson Crusoe so remarkable in history?

1042. General Sutton, brother of Sir Robert Sutton, was very passionate:

Sir Robert Walpole the reverse. Sutton being one day with Sir Robert,

while his valet de chambre was shaving him, Sir Robert said, John, you

cut me;―and then went on with the conversation. Presently, he said

again, John, you cut me―and a third time―when Sutton starting up in a

rage, and doubling his fist at the servant, swore a great oath, and

said, If Sir Robert can bear it, I cannot, and if you cut him once more,

I’ll knock you down.

1043. We read more of pearls than of diamonds in ancient authors. The

ancients had not skill enough to make the most of diamonds; and the art

of engraving on them is not older than the sixteenth century. The most

remarkable of modern pearls is that in the Spanish treasury, called The

Pilgrim. It was in the possession of a merchant, who had paid for it

100,000 crowns. When he went to offer it for sale to Philip IV. the king

said, How could you venture to give so much for a pearl? The merchant

replied, I knew there was a king of Spain in the world. Philip, pleased

with the flattery, ordered him his own price.

1044. Mr. Pennant, the ingenious and pleasing historian, had many

peculiarities and eccentricities in his private character, among the

latter may be classed his singular antipathy to a wig―which, however,

he can suppress, till reason yields a little to wine. But when this is

the case, off goes the wig next to him, and into the fire!―Dining once

at Chester with an officer who wore a wig, Mr. Pennant became half seas

over; and another friend that was in company carefully placed himself

between Pennant and wig, to prevent mischief. After much patience, and

many a wistful look, Pennant started up, seized the wig, and threw it

into the fire. It was in flames in a moment, and so was the officer, who

ran to his sword. Down stairs ran Pennant, and the officer after him,

through all the streets of Chester. But Pennant escaped, from superior

local knowledge. A wag called this “Pennant’s Tour in Chester.”

1045. The harengères, or fish-women at Paris, form a sort of

body-corporate. In the time of Louis XIV. the Dauphin having recovered

from a long illness, the fish-women deputed four of their troop to offer

their congratulations. After some difficulties, the ladies were admitted

by the king’s special command, and conducted to the dauphin’s apartment.

One of them began a sort of harangue, What would have become of us if

our dear dauphin had died? We should have lost our all. The king

meanwhile had entered behind, and being extremely jealous of his power

and glory, frowned at this ill-judged compliment; when another of the

deputation, with a ready wit, regained his good graces, by adding, True;

we should have lost our all―for our good king could never have survived

his son, and would doubtless have died of grief. The _naïf_ policy of

this unexpected turn was much admired.

1046. Lord William Poulet, though often chairman of committees of the

House of Commons, was a great dunce, and could scarce read. Being to

read a bill for naturalizing Jemima, Duchess of Kent, he called her,

Jeremiah, Duchess of Kent. Having heard south walls commended for

ripening fruit, he showed all the four sides of his garden for south

walls.

1047. Queen Caroline spoke of shutting up St. James’s Park, and

converting it into a noble garden for the palace of that name. She asked

Sir Robert Walpole what it might probably cost? who replied, Only three

crowns.

1048. Cardinal Dubois offered an abbey to a bishop, who refused it,

because, he said, he could not reconcile to his conscience the

possession of two benefices. The cardinal, in great surprise, said, You

should be canonized. I wish, my lord, answered the bishop, that I

deserved it; and that you had the power. A delicate reproach of his

ambition.

1049. A low Frenchman bragged that the king had spoken to him. Being

asked what his majesty had said, he replied, He bade me stand out of his

way.

1050. I prefer the quarto size to the octavo: a quarto lies free and

open before one. It is surprising how long the world was pestered with

unwieldy folios. A Frenchman was asked if he liked books _in folio_ [in

the leaf]. No, says he, I like books _in fructu_ [in the fruit].

1051. Lady Sandon was bribed with a pair of diamond earrings, and

procured the donor a good place at court. Though the matter was

notoriously known, she was so imprudent as to wear them constantly in

public. This being blamed in company, Lady Wortley Montague, like Mrs.

Candour, undertook Lady Sandon’s defence. And pray, said she, where is

the harm? I, for my part, think Lady Sandon acts wisely―for does not

the bush show where the wine is sold?

1052. A Jew and a Christian, both Italians, united their endeavours in a

snuff-shop. On Saturday, the sabbath, the Jew did not appear; but on

Sunday he supplied the place of the Christian. Some scruples were

started to the Jew, but he only answered, _Trovata la legge, trovato

l’inganno_, [When laws were invented, tricks were invented.]

1053. After the French revolution, Lord Orford was particularly

delighted with the story of the Tigre National. A man who showed wild

beasts in Paris, had a tiger from Bengal, of the largest species,

commonly called the Royal Tiger. But when royalty, and everything royal,

was abolished, he was afraid of a charge of incivism; and, instead of

Tigre Royal, put on his sign-board, Tigre National.

1054. An attorney in France having bought a charge of bailiff for his

son, advised him never to work in vain, but to raise contributions on

those who wanted his assistance. What, father! said the son in surprise,

would you have me sell justice? Why not? answered the father: is so

scarce an article to be given for nothing?

1055. A father wished to dissuade his daughter from any thoughts of

matrimony. She who marries does well, said he; but she who does not

marry does better. Father, answered the girl meekly, I am content with

doing well; let her do better who can.

1056. A gentleman, travelling on a journey, having a light guinea which

he could not pass, gave it to his Irish servant, and desired him to pass

it upon the road. At night he asked him if he had passed the guinea.

Yes, sir, replied Teague, but I was forced to be very sly; the people

refused it at breakfast and at dinner; so, at a turnpike, where I had

fourpence to pay, I whipped it in between two halfpence, and the man put

it into his pocket, and never saw it.

1057. A little boy having been much praised for his quickness of reply,

a gentleman present observed, that when children were keen in their

youth, they were generally stupid and dull when they advanced in years,

and _vice versâ_. What a very sensible boy, sir, must you have been!

returned the child.

1058. At an examination for the degree of B.A. in the Senate House,

Cambridge, under an examiner whose name was Payne, one of the moral

questions was, Give a definition of happiness. To which one of the

candidates returned the following laconic answer, An exemption from

Payne.

1059. A student of St. John’s College, who was remarkable for his larks

and eccentricities, during the time he was dining in hall, called to a

_bon vivant_, at another table, to say, that he had got a fine fox in

his rooms, for him. This being overheard by the marker, who was a kind

of mongrel fetch-and-carry to a certain dean, and who understood the

student in a literal sense, he informed the dean of the circumstance.

The student was very soon summoned before the master and seniors, for

what he knew not; however, on entering, he was informed, they had

learned he kept a fox in his rooms, a thing not to be tolerated by the

college. It is very true, replied the accused; I have a bust of Charles

James Fox, at your service.

1060. When the celebrated Beau Nash was ill, Dr. Cheyne wrote a

prescription for him. The next day, the doctor coming to see his

patient, inquired if he had followed his prescription? No, truly,

doctor, replied Nash, if I had I should have broken my neck, for I threw

it out of a two pair of stairs window.

1061. The son of a fond father, when going to war, promised to bring

home the head of one of the enemy. His parent replied, I should be glad

to see you come home without a head, provided you come safe.

1062. Dr. Cheyne, of Bath, and a Mr. Santly, were deemed the two fattest

men in Somersetshire. When they were once sitting together after dinner,

Cheyne asked the other what made him look so melancholy? Faith, replied

he, I was thinking how it will be possible for the people to get either

you or me to the grave after we die. Why, as to me, replied Cheyne, six

or eight stout fellows will do the business, but you must be taken at

twice.

1063. A spark being brought before a magistrate, on a charge of

horse-stealing, the justice, the moment he saw him, exclaimed, I see a

villain in your countenance. It is the first time, said the prisoner,

very coolly, that I knew my countenance was a looking-glass.

1064. A jockey lord met his old college tutor at a great horse fair. Ah!

doctor, exclaimed his lordship, what brings you here, among these high

bred cattle? Do you think you can distinguish a horse from an ass? My

lord, replied the tutor, I soon perceived you among these horses.

1065. A French officer was speaking at a table-d’hote of his first

impressions on seeing English soldiers, and attempted to ridicule them,

by saying, that they had faces as round as Cheshire cheeses. An English

officer replied, Monsieur, you are very polite; and allow me to say,

that if your soldiers had shown us a little more of their faces, and

less of their backs, I should be very happy to return you the

compliment.

1066. The late Right Hon. Charles James Fox, in the course of a speech

he made in the House of Commons, when enlarging on the influence

exercised by government over the members, observed, that it was

generally understood that the minister employed a person as manager of

the House of Commons; here there was a general cry of Name him! name

him! No, said Mr. Fox, I don’t choose to name him, though I might do it

as easy as say Jack Robinson. This was really his name.

1067. A traveller relating some of his adventures, told the company,

that he and his servant made fifty wild Arabians run; which exciting

surprise, he observed there was no such great matter in it; for, said

he, we ran, and they ran after us.

1068. A certain young clergyman, modest almost to bashfulness, was once

asked by a country apothecary, of a contrary character, in a public and

crowded assembly, and in a tone of voice sufficient to catch the

attention of the whole company, How it happened that the patriarchs

lived to such extreme old age? To which question he immediately replied,

Perhaps they took no physic.

1069. Two English gentlemen, some time ago, visited the field of

Bannockburn, so celebrated for the total defeat of the English army, by

Robert Bruce, with an army of Scottish heroes, not one fourth their

number. A sensible countryman pointed out the positions of both armies,

the stone where the Bruce’s standard was fixed during the battle, &c.

Highly satisfied with his attention, the gentleman, on leaving him,

pressed his acceptance of a crown-piece. Na, na, said the honest man,

returning the money, keep your crown-piece; the English hae paid dear

enough already for seeing the field of Bannockburn.

1070. Soon after Dr. Johnson’s return from Scotland to London, a

Scottish lady, at whose house he was, as a compliment, ordered some

hotch-potch for his dinner. After the doctor had tasted it, she asked

him if it was good? To which he replied, Very good for hogs! Then, pray,

said the lady, let me help you to a little more.

1071. A noble lord a short time ago applied to a pawn-broker to lend him

1000 guineas on his wife’s jewels, for which he had paid 4000. Take the

articles to pieces, said his lordship, number the stones, and put false

ones in their place, my lady will not distinguish them. You are too

late, my lord, said the pawnbroker; your lady has stolen a march upon

you; these stones are false, I bought the diamonds of her ladyship a

twelvemonth ago.

1072. A common councilman’s lady paying her daughter a visit at school,

and inquiring what progress she had made in her education, the

schoolmistress answered, Pretty good, madam, miss is very attentive: if

she wants anything it is a capacity; but for that deficiency, you know

we must not blame her. No, madam, replied the mother; but I blame you

for not having mentioned it before. Her father, thank goodness, can

afford his daughter anything, and I desire that a capacity may be bought

immediately, cost what it may.

1073. A tanner near Swaff’ham, in Norfolk, invited the supervisor to

dine with him, and after pushing the bottle about briskly, the

supervisor took his leave; but, in passing through the tan yard, he

unfortunately fell into a pit, and called lustily to the tanner to get

him out. Can’t, said the tanner; if I draw any hides without giving

twelve hours notice, I shall be exchequered and ruined; but I’ll go and

inform the excise.

1074. As Mr. Reynell, a man of some fortune in the neighbourhood of

Edinburgh, was one day taking his ride, and being, according to his own

idea, a person of no small consequence, he thought proper to show it by

riding on the foot-path. Meeting a plain farmer-looking man, he ordered

him imperiously to get out of his way. Sir, said the other, I don’t

understand this: I am upon the footpath, where I certainly have a right

to walk. Do you know, sir, said Mr. Reynell, to whom you speak? I do

not, indeed. Sir, I am Mr. Reynell, of Edinburgh. Well, sir, but that

certainly does not entitle you to ride on the footpath, and to drive a

humble pedestrian off it. Why, sir, I am a trustee of this road. If you

are, you are a very bad one. You are a very impudent fellow―who are

you, sir? I am John, Duke of Montague. It is almost unnecessary to add

that the haughty laird, after a very awkward apology, sneaked into the

main road.

1075. Lord Norbury was asking the reason of the delay that happened in a

cause, and he was answered, it was because Mr. Serjeant Joy, who was to

lead, was absent, but Mr. Hope, the solicitor, had said that he would

return immediately; when his lordship humorously repeated the well-known

lines―

Hope told a flattering tale,

That Joy would soon return.

1076. An Irish officer in Minorca was found by a gentleman who came to

visit him in a morning a little ruffled, and being asked the reason, he

replied he had lost a pair of fine black silk stockings out of his room,

that cost eighteen shillings; but he hoped he should get them again, for

he had ordered them to be cried, with a reward of half-a-crown to the

person who brought them. His friend observing that this was too poor a

recompense for such a pair of silk stockings: Pooh, man, replied he, I

directed the crier to say they were worsted.

1077. A young man having asked an Hibernian who was looked up to as a

scholar, what was meant by the posthumous works of such a writer? Why,

said the other, posthumous works are those books which a man writes

after he is dead.

1078. As you do not belong to my parish, said a clergyman to a begging

sailor, with a wooden leg, you cannot expect that I should relieve you.

Sir, said the sailor, with a noble air, I lost my leg fighting for all

parishes.

1079. Henry IV. of France, passing through a small town, perceived the

inhabitants assembled to congratulate him on his arrival. Just as the

principal magistrate had commenced a tedious oration, an ass began to

bray; on which the king, turning towards the place where the noisy

animal was, said gravely, Gentlemen, one at a time, if you please.

1080. Henry IV. to an excellent wit, added most amiable manners, and a

most captivating address. On General Armand de Biron coming into his

presence, when he was surrounded by some foreign ambassadors, the king

immediately took Biron by the hand, and said, Gentlemen, this is Marshal

Biron, whom I present with equal pleasure and confidence to my friends

as well as my enemies.

1081. The benevolent Dr. Wilson once discovered a clergyman at Bath, who

he was informed was sick, poor, and had a numerous family. In the

evening, he gave a friend fifty pounds, requesting he would deliver it

in the most delicate manner, and as from an unknown person. The friend

replied, I will wait upon him early in the morning. You will oblige me

by calling directly. Think, sir, of what importance a good night’s rest

may be to that poor man.

1082. In a lawsuit respecting boundaries, the counsel on both sides

explained their claims on a plan―My lord, said one, we lie on this

side: and the other said, My lord, we lie on this side. Nay, said the

judge, if you lie on both sides, I can believe neither of you.

1083. The celebrated Henry, Earl of Worcester, once observing the enemy

leaving the field, turned round and said, I love to see my own danger,

especially when it is marching off.

1084. The earl once calling for a glass of claret, was told by his

physician, that claret was bad for the gout. What, my old friend claret!

nay, give it me in spite of all physicians and their advice; it shall

never be said that I forsook my friend for my enemy.

1085. One was telling the earl, how strangely he had escaped a shot, by

the bar of a window. A musket bullet had hit full against the edge of an

iron bar of a chamber-window, so that the bullet was split in two, one

half flying by on one side and the other on the other. The earl hearing

this, asked in what room it was, and was answered, in the cross-barred

room; upon which he answered, You will now believe me, how safe it is to

stand before the cross, when you face your enemy.

1086. Charles II. hearing a high character of a preacher in the country,

attended one of his sermons. Expressing his dissatisfaction, one of the

courtiers replied, that the preacher was applauded to the skies by the

congregation. Ay! observed the king, I suppose his nonsense suits their

nonsense.

1087. Some one once asked Bruce what musical instruments were used in

Abyssinia. Bruce hesitated, not being prepared for the question; and at

last said, I think I saw one lyre there. George Selwyn whispered the man

sitting next him, Yes, and there is one less since he left the country.

1088. The attachment of some ladies to their lap-dogs amounts, in some

instances, to infatuation. I have heard of a lap-dog biting a piece out

of a male visitor’s leg: his mistress thus expressed her compassion,

Poor dear little creature, I hope it will not make him sick.

1089. A Frenchman, a farmer of the duty upon salt, (farmed in France, as

post horses are in England,) had built a most magnificent villa;

displaying it to his friends, it was observed that a statue was wanting

for a large niche in the vestibule. I mean to put there, said the owner,

some allegorical statue relating to my business. You may put then Lot’s

wife, who was changed to a statue of salt, answered one of his friends.

1090. A master of a ship called down into the hold, Who is there? Will,

sir, was the answer. What are you doing? Nothing, sir. Is Tom there?

Yes, answered Tom. What are you doing? Helping Will, sir.

1091. Two gentlemen coming into a tavern, one of them called for a

bottle of claret: Why, do you love claret? said the other; for my part,

I’ll see it burnt before I drink a drop.

1092. One whose name was Pippin, being dressed in a green suit, chanced

to meet his friend, who, at his first salute, told him, It was a rare

thing to see a green Pippin on Christmas day.

1093. A certain gentleman was mightily taken with a lady of the name of

Wall, who was in the habit of painting a good deal. His friends tried to

persuade him from going near her, saying, they wondered at a man of his

taste setting his affections on a Painted Wall.

1094. Musicians ought to be compared to chameleons. Why? Because they

live on airs.

1095. One said a good client was like a study gown, sits himself in the

cold, and keeps his lawyer warm.

1096. A fellow whose name was Hog was convicted of felony before Lord

Bacon, then judge of assize; he used several unimportant arguments with

his lordship before sentence was pronounced, and, none prevailing, he

told him he was near of kin to him. How, to me? said the judge. Yes,

answered the fellow, for your name is Bacon, and mine is Hog. Oh! then,

replied his lordship, you will never be good Bacon till you are hanged.

1097. One being at supper at a friend’s house, (it chanced that there

was mutton and capers for supper,) fell into a discourse upon dancing,

saying, that he loved it better than any other kind of recreation. By

and bye, taking notice of the capers, which he had never seen before,

took one upon his trencher, cut it in the middle, and put the half of it

in his mouth. The master of the house observing it, said, Sir, it seems

you do love dancing well, when you cannot forbear cutting a caper at

supper.

1098. Scriveners must be hard-hearted men, said Lord Adolphus F. Why?

Since they never rejoice more than when they put other men in bonds.

1099. An ignorant drunken surgeon, that had killed most of his patients,

boasted himself a better man than the parson; For, said he, your cures

maintain but yourself, but my cures maintain all the sextons in the

town.

1100. One threatened to break another’s head with a stone. Don’t try,

said Lord Alvanley, you will hurt the stone.

1101. A patient man being domineered over by his wife, who was always

ill-treating him, desired her to tear his band, for he would gladly wear

it without cuffs.

1102. One said to his friend that had been speaking, I love to hear a

man talk nonsense. The other answered, I know you love to hear yourself

talk as well as any man.

1103. One asked the reason why lawyers’ clerks wrote such wide lines.

Another answered, it was done to keep the peace; for if the plaintiff

should be in one line and the defendant in the next, the lines being too

near together, they might fall together by the ears.

1104. One hearing a usurer say he had been on the Peak of Teneriffe,

asked him why he had not stayed there, for he was persuaded he would

never get so near heaven again.

1105. One having drunk a cup of very flat beer, declared that the beer

was more than foxed. Upon being asked his reason, he declared, it was

dead drunk.

1106. One saw a man and his wife fighting; the people asked him, why he

did not part them. He answered, That he was too well bred to part man

and wife.

1107. One seeing another wear a threadbare cloak, asked him, whether his

cloak was not sleepy? Why do you ask? said his friend. Because, I am

sure it has not had a nap this seven years.

1108. A lawsuit being referred to a gentleman, the plaintiff, who had

the equity of the cause on his side, presented him with a new carriage,

the defendant with a couple of horses. The arbitrator liking the horses

better than the coach, gave sentence on the defendant’s side. The

plaintiff called on him, and asked how it came to pass the coach went

out of the right way? He answered, He could not help it, the horses had

drawn it so.

1109. A saucy fellow named Jack, abusing a gentleman whose name was

Fisher, the gentleman struck him, for which, being reproved and

threatened with an action, he said, Is it not lawful for a Fisher to

strike a Jack?

1110. A person had a picture of the Seven Senses stolen out of his

house: whereupon he came to a justice and desired that the thieves might

be bound to the peace: For what? For stealing my senses. I thought so,

said the justice, you talk so idly.

1111. A woman was commending a boy’s face: Give me a man’s, quoth

another, a boy’s is not worth a hair.

1112. A gentleman whose name was Stone, falling off his horse, in

crossing a river, into deep water, out of which he got not without some

danger: his companions laughed at his mischance, and being reproved,

answered, That there was no man but would laugh to see a Stone swim.

1113. One being about to write the superscription of a letter to his

mistress, asked a scholar what terms were best to give her,―who told

him, “the Venus, lass of his affections,” was good; he mistaking, wrote,

To the Venice-glass of his affections.

1114. A drunken fellow returning home towards evening, found his wife

hard at her spinning; she, reproving him for his ill husbandry, and

commending herself for her good housewifery, he told her that she had no

great cause to chide, for as she had been spinning at home, he had been

reeling abroad.

1115. One that was skilled in writing short-hand promised a lawyer’s

clerk to teach him his skill, who thanked him, and said they could not

live by making short-hand of anything.

1116. A company of gentlemen in a tavern, amongst the rest, one whose

name was Bramble, quarrelled and fell to blows; one of these got his

face cut by the said Bramble; upon going home, and being asked the cause

of his face bleeding so, No great harm, replied he, only a Bramble by

chance scratched me.

1117. A rude overbearing young man was placed by his friends with a

proctor, who observing the misbehaviour of the youth, told his parents

he feared their son would never make a civil lawyer.

1118. One having a play-book called The Wits, which he valued much, by

chance lost it; but while he was chafing and swearing about the loss of

his book, in came one of his friends, who asking the cause of his

disquiet, was answered, That he had lost his wits.

1119. One wondered why there were so many pickpockets about the streets,

notwithstanding a watch was at every corner. It was answered, that was

all one, a pickpocket would as gladly meet a watch as anything else.

1120. During the siege of a castle, when the besieged were hard pressed,

a lady, one of the defenders, was remarking, that the colours that hung

upon one of the towers, were one of her bed-curtains. To which a person

replied, Madam, I wish you would set up the little boy, (who stands up

over the curtain,) on the top of that tower, that we might see whether

he would drive away all those men with his bow and arrows. To which the

lady replied, Cupid never raises a siege.

1121. A great eater was once boasting that he was a great wit, saying,

The world knew him to be “all wit:” one standing by, that knew him very

well, said, Is it possible that you are taken for a wit! if so, your

anagram is wit-all.

1122. Two being in a tavern together, one swore the other should pledge

him, Why then, quoth the other, I will;―and presently went down stairs

and left him for the reckoning.

1123. A drunken fellow passing by a shop asked a ’prentice boy, What

their sign was? He answered, it was a sign he was drunk.

1124. It was said by one, a barber had need be honest and trusty,

because, whoever employed him, though it was but for a hair matter, put

his life into his hands.

1125. It has been said, that a tooth-drawer was an unconscionable trade,

because his business was nothing else but to take away those things

whereby every man gets his living.

1126. Of all knaves, there is the greatest hope for a cobbler, for be he

ever so idle, yet when he does anything, he is always mending.

1127. It being demanded of a wild young man, why he wished to sell his

lands? He answered, because he hoped to go to heaven, which he could not

possibly do till he forsook the earth.

1128. A merry fellow said, The ale-house was the only place to thrive

in, for he had known many a score made there.

1129. A rich stationer wished himself a scholar, to whom one answered,

That he was one already, being _doctus in libris_. Nay, said the

stationer, I am but _dives in libris_―(meaning rich in pounds.)

1130. Before Derrick was master of the ceremonies at Bath, he went to

Cambridge on a visit; his friends made him so welcome, that, owing to

hard drinking, he could never rise till dinner-time; being one day asked

how he liked the place? he replied, Very well, but that there was no

forenoon at it.

1131. A lady having a dispute with Mr. Derrick, told him by way of joke,

that if he did not give up the argument, she would put him in her

patch-box. Madam, said he, you are at full liberty to do so; and should

you condescend to use me as a patch, I beg you will stick me upon your

lips.

1132. Mr. Derrick being one morning at a coffee-house at Bath, was much

disturbed by a very noisy man who sat at a small distance from him, upon

which he inquired who the spark was; they told him he was one of those

gentry who are called Rooks. A Rook, sir, replied Derrick, zounds, ’tis

impossible―by his chattering, I am sure he is a magpie.

1133. A gentleman who had had several wives, paid his addresses to a

widow lady at Bath; and it being remarked that he was a great duellist,

Derrick replied, the match would be more apropos, for the lady has

killed her man.

1134. Two gentlemen going very hungry into the White Lion at Bath,

ordered a couple of chickens to be roasted for supper, which were

brought upon table just as Mr. Derrick came in to speak to one of them

upon business. They went out together, and while they were absent, the

remaining person fairly ate up all the supper. When they returned, the

other gentleman was astonished, and asked Mr. Derrick what he thought of

his companion? Why, I think, said Derrick, that he is a very fowl

feeder.

1135. A man being brought before a magistrate, when Mr. Derrick was

present, for defamation, in calling his neighbour a scavenger. Pray,

sir, (said Derrick to the justice,) attend seriously to this charge, for

to me it appears that there is some very dirty work going forward.

1136. A gentleman having written an epitaph on a deceased friend, showed

it to Mr. Derrick for his opinion: Sir, said he, I never read anything

better suited to the mournful occasion―they are the saddest verses that

ever were penned.

1137. A lady of fashion and beauty inveighing against smugglers, Mr.

Derrick interrupted her: Hold, madam, be not too severe; I believe it

will be found that the blackness of your crimes far exceeds theirs: the

people you are railing against, smuggle only a few common goods, for

which, they run the risk of losing their lives; but you, without any

danger to yourself, absolutely have smuggled the affections of every

person in Bath.

1138. Mr. Derrick being in a company, among whom there was a gentleman

remarkable for a rude kind of satirical wit, and who, having levelled

his jeers at almost all present, chiefly by mimicking their voices,

gestures, or taking them off, as it is commonly called, Mr. Derrick,

expecting it would presently come to his turn, got up, and was going

away. When being asked the reason of his leaving the company so soon, he

replied, In order to save the gentleman the trouble of taking me off, I

think it best to take myself off.

1139. At a private masquerade, Derrick appeared in the character of a

cook, and being met by Lord ―, was desired to dress a couple of pork

chops. Sir, replied Derrick, as you are the only hog in company, I must

then beg leave to cut them from your carcase.

1140. Mr. Derrick going through the Strand one evening, detected a boy

picking his pocket, and seizing him, had determined to have him

committed, when the boy begged heartily for mercy, For indeed, sir, said

he, it is my first offence; here’s your own handkerchief again, and take

any of these five you like best.

1141. A lady of distinction meeting Derrick in the long room, told him

his old friend Lady ― was just delivered. Of a boy or girl? said

Derrick. Neither, replied the lady―of a husband, you donkey, and he is

to be buried to-morrow.

1142. Mr. Derrick being on a visit at a gentleman’s house at Bath, a

young lady to entertain the company, obliged them with a tune on the

harpsichord: while she was playing, a female friend of Mr. Derrick’s

asked him, Who was the Goddess of Music? Venus, said he. Pooh, replied

she, you banter. No, upon honour, returned Derrick; if you doubt, appeal

to her―for there she sits.

1143. One of those troublesome gentry called meal hunters, one day

invited himself to dine with Derrick; the dinner consisted of some fish

and a fine piece of roast beef; the gentleman helped himself about

half-a-dozen times, and approved highly of Mr. Derrick’s taste, in

preferring the roast beef of old England to those flimsy kickshaws so

much in fashion, adding, Here’s cut and come again. Sir, said Derrick,

you may cut, but you never come again.

1144. A talkative gentleman boasting that he had been instructed in the

art of speaking by the celebrated Quin. Sir, said Derrick, this company

would have thought themselves more highly obliged to that gentleman, had

he taught you the art of holding your tongue.

1145. A gentleman bragging that he was promised the lease of the next

house that fell in, Sir, said Derrick, had it been my case, I should

rather have desired the lease of the next house that stood.

1146. Derrick one day condoling with an Irish gentleman whose father had

lately died. Well, well, said Paddy, it does not signify grieving, for

it is what we must all come to, if we do but live long enough.

1147. It being disputed, while Lady ―, who had a remarkable red face,

was present in the long room, when there would be an eclipse of the sun.

It will be, said Derrick, let me see―ay, it will be, whenever Lady ―

shall hide her beauties under a veil.

1148. There was some years ago, a society in the metropolis, called the

Court of Humour, the members of which met once a week for the purpose of

trying causes. To this meeting, Derrick was invited; and when the lord

judge, in summing up the evidence in one of the trials, pronounced, with

great gravity, “I must here desire to pause”―My lord, with submission,

give me leave to fill up your paws; and immediately presented his

lordship with a large tumbler of negus.

1149. Derrick once went to see the tragedy of Richard the Third

performed by a country company; the person who played Richard was as

wretched a performer as ever disgraced the buskin; and when he came to

the scene where he says to Buckingham, “Bring the mayor and aldermen to

see me here.” If they see you once, said Derrick, they will never come

again.

1150. The late Dr. Stukely says, that one day, by appointment, visiting

Sir Isaac Newton, the servant told him he was in his study. No one was

permitted to disturb him there, but as it was near dinner-time, the

visitor sat down to wait for him. After a time, dinner was brought in―a

boiled chicken under a cover. An hour passed, and Sir Isaac did not

appear. The doctor ate the fowl, and covering up the empty dish, bid

them dress their master another. Before that was ready, the great man

came down; apologized for his delay, and added, Give me but leave to

take my short dinner, and I shall be at your service; I am fatigued and

faint. Saying this, he lifted up the cover, and without any emotion,

turned about to Stukely with a smile: See, said he, what we studious

people are: I forgot I had dined.

1151. Leveridge, the actor, in giving out the play, made a small

mistake, and instead of saying on Monday next will be performed, he

addressed the audience with―Ladies and gentlemen, to-morrow will be

performed―To-morrow? said a buck from the pit, why to-morrow is Sunday!

I know it, my good friend, replied Leveridge;―to-morrow there will be a

charity sermon preached at St. Paul’s, Covent Garden, and, on Monday, at

this theatre, will be presented the Recruiting Officer, with a farce

called Wit at a Pinch. This turned the laugh of the audience, and he

went off with an unusual plaudit.

1152. Derrick one day sent his footboy with a message to a gentleman

whose name was Mr. Hodges Podger. The boy went to the street, as

directed, but not being able, at once, to find the house, he knocked at

another person’s door, and mistaking the name, asked if Mr. Hodge-podge

was at home. Hodge-podge! said the servant maid, why, you little puppy,

does this house look like a cookshop?

1153. Some ladies in the long room at Bath observing that Mr. Derrick

was exceedingly gay, a smart fellow thought to exercise his wit, by

asking him who was his tailor? Oh, sir, replied Derrick, he won’t do for

you, he deals only for ready money.

1154. A conceited fellow presented King James with a manuscript, who,

finding it exceeding bad, returned it, and bade him put it into rhyme.

The fellow set to work, despatched it, and presented it anew to his

Majesty, who, laughing, said, It was better now he had put into rhyme,

“for, by my soul, man, afore ’twas neither rhyme nor reason.”

1155. What herb is it that cures all diseases? Thyme [time] to be sure.

1156. An upholder was chiding his apprentice because he was not notable

enough at his work, and had not his nails and hammer in readiness when

he should use them, telling him, when he was an apprentice he was taught

to have his nails at his fingers’ ends.

1157. One hearing a great noise, sent his servant to know what was the

matter, who brought him back word, One had taken a cup too much―meaning

that he had stolen a silver tankard.

1158. A fortune-hunter at Bath, telling Mr. Derrick that he had got an

excellent phaeton on the new plan, Derrick answered, I am rather of

opinion you got it on the old plan, for I suppose you never mean to pay

for it.

1159. An impudent fellow met an unfortunate person who was blessed with

a very red nose, and who also squinted; making a stop and looking at him

hard, the gentleman asked the reason of his gazing at him, Truly (was

the rude answer) if your eyes were matches, your nose would undoubtedly

set them on fire.

1160. An attorney riding into the country, was asked what news he

brought, and answered, Nothing, but that Marriot (a great eater) was

reported to have lost his appetite; to which another answered, Pray God

a poor man meets not with it, for if he does it will utterly undo him.

1161. One Brown, of Oxford, ringing in one of the belfrys of the said

city, the clapper of the bell he was ringing fell upon his head, and

almost killed him; an arch young student seeing his mischance, and

conceiving the wound incurable, wrote over against the place where the

accident happened, these verses:

Here lies John Brown, the University capper,

That lived by the bell, and died by the clapper.