579. An English labourer in Cheshire attempting to drown himself, an

Irish reaper, who saw him go into the water, leaped after him, and

brought him safe to shore. The fellow attempting it a second time, the

reaper a second time got him out; but the labourer being determined to

destroy himself, watched an opportunity and hanged himself behind the

barn door. The Irishman observed him, but never offered to cut him down;

when, several hours afterwards, the master of the farm-yard asked him

upon what ground he had suffered the poor fellow to hang there? Faith,

replied Patrick, I don’t know what you mean by ground: I know I was so

good to him that I fetched him out of the water two times―and I know,

too, he was wet through every rag, and I thought he hung himself up to

dry, and you know, I could have no right to prevent him.

580. A devout lady offered up a prayer to St. Ignatius, for the

conversion of her husband; a few days after the good man died. What a

good saint is our Ignatius, exclaimed the consolable widow, he bestows

on us more benefits than we ask for!

581. An author, who had given a comedy into the hands of a manager for

his perusal, called on him for his opinion of the piece. Whilst the poor

author in trembling anxiety expected the fate of his performance, the

manager returned the play with a grave face, saying, Sir, depend upon it

this is a thing not to be laughed at.

582. An Irish officer in battle happening to bow, a cannon-ball passed

over his head, and took off the head of a soldier who stood behind him:

You see, said he, that a man never loses by politeness.

583. A quartermaster in a regiment of light horse, who was about six

feet high, and very corpulent, was joking with an Irishman concerning

the natural proneness of his countrymen to make bulls in conversation.

By my soul, said the Irishman, Ireland never made such a bull in all her

lifetime as England did when she made a light horseman of you.

584. An Hibernian officer, being once in company with several who

belonged to the same corps, one of them, in a laugh, said he would lay a

dozen of claret, that the Irishman made a bull before any other of the

party. Done, said Terence. The wager was laid, and by way of puzzling

him, he was asked how many bulls there were in that town. Five, said he.

How do you make them out? said the other. Faith, said he, there is the

Black Bull in the market-place, and the Red Bull over the way; then

there is the Pied Bull just by the bridge, and the White Bull at the

corner. They are but four, said the other. Why arrah, said he, there is

the Dim Cow in the butcher-row. That’s a bull, said the other. By Jasus,

then I have won my wager, said he, and you have made the bull and not

me.

585. A noble lord, not very courageous, was once so far engaged in an

affair of honour as to be drawn to Hyde Park to fight a duel; but just

as he came to the Porter’s Lodge an empty hearse came by; on which his

lordship’s antagonist, who was a droll officer, well known, called out

to the driver, Stop here, my good fellow, a few minutes, and I’ll send

you a fare. This operated so strongly on his lordship’s nerves that he

begged the officer’s pardon, and returned home with a whole skin.

586. A gentleman who had an Irish servant, having stopped at an inn for

several days, desired, previous to his departure, to have his bill;

which being brought, he found a large quantity of port placed to his

servant’s account, and questioned him about having had so many bottles

of wine. Please yer honour, cried Pat, read how many they charge me. The

gentleman began, One bottle port, one ditto, one ditto. Stop, stop,

stop, master, exclaimed Paddy, they are cheating you; I know I had some

bottles of their port, but I did not taste a drop of their ditto.

587. A farm was lately advertised in a newspaper in which all the beauty

of the situation, fertility of the soil, and salubrity of the air, were

detailed in the richest glow of rural description, and which was further

enhanced with this N.B. There is not an attorney within fifteen miles of

the neighbourhood.

588. An Irish footman having carried a basket of game from his master to

a friend, waited a considerable time for the customary fee, but not

finding it likely to appear, he scratched his head, and said, Sir, if my

master should say, Paddy, what did the gentleman give you? what would

your honour have me tell him?

589. An Irish gentleman called at the General Post Office, and inquired

whether there were any letters for him; the clerk asked for his address.

Sure, said he, you will find it on the back of the letter.―A

circumstance somewhat similar occurred a few years ago, when a gentleman

inquired if there was any letter for him. The clerk asked his name; he

replied, What the devil makes you so impertinent as to ask any

gentleman’s name? Give me my letter, that’s all you have to do!

590. An Irish labourer being told that the price of bread had been

lowered, exclaimed, This is the first time I ever rejoiced at the fall

of my best friend.

591. An honest Hibernian tar, a great favourite with the gallant Nelson,

used to pray in these words every night when he went to his hammock: God

be thanked, I never killed any man, nor no man ever killed me; God bless

the world, and success to the British navy.

592. Davenport, a tailor, having set up his carriage, asked Foote for a

motto. There is one from Hamlet, said the wit, that will match you to a

button-hole, “List, list; oh! list.”

593. A gentleman, some years since, being obliged to ask pardon of the

House of Commons on his knees, when he rose up, he brushed the knees of

his breeches, saying, I was never in so dirty a house in my life.

594. A justice of the peace, who was possessed with the itch of

scribbling, and had written a book which he meant to publish, sent it to

Ben Jonson for his opinion, who, finding it full of absurdities,

returned it, with his compliments, and recommended his worship to send

it to the house of correction.

595. One day Charlotte Smith was walking along Piccadilly, when the tray

of a butcher’s boy came in sudden contact with her shoulder, and dirtied

her dress. The deuce take the tray, exclaimed she, in a pet. Ah, but the

deuce can’t take the tray, replied young rump-steak, with the greatest

gravity.

596. George the First, on a journey to Hanover, stopped at a village in

Holland, and while the horses were getting ready, he asked for two or

three eggs, which were brought him, and charged two hundred florins. How

is this? said his majesty, eggs must be very scarce in this place.

Pardon me, said the host, eggs are plenty enough, but kings are scarce.

The king smiled, and ordered the money to be paid.

597. A farmer in the neighbourhood of Doncaster, was thus accosted by

his landlord: John, I am going to raise your rent. John replied, Sir, I

am very much obliged to you, for I cannot raise it myself.

598. Two bucks riding on the western road on a Sunday morning, met a lad

driving a flock of sheep towards the metropolis; when one of them

accosted him with, Prithee, Jack, which is the way to Windsor? How did

you know my name was Jack? said the boy, staring in their faces. We are

conjurors, young Hobnail, said the gentlemen, laughing. Oh! be you! then

you don’t want I to show you the way to Windsor, replied the lad,

pursuing his journey.

599. Two gentlemen were walking in the High Street, Southampton, one

day, about that hour which the industrious damsels of the mop and brush

usually devote to cleansing the pavement before the door. It happened

that the bucket used upon such occasions was upon the stones, and one of

the gentlemen stumbled against it. My dear friend, exclaimed the other,

I lament your death exceedingly! My death! Yes, you have just kicked the

bucket. Not so, rejoined his friend, I have only turned a little pale

(pail).

600. A bill was once brought into the House of Assembly at Jamaica, for

regulating wharfingers. Mr. P. Phipps, a distinguished member, rose and

said, Mr. Speaker, I very much approve of the bill; the wharfingers are

all a set of knaves; I was one myself ten years.

601. An Irishman saw the sign of the Rising Sun near the Seven Dials,

and underneath was written, A. Moon, the man’s name who kept it being

Aaron Moon. The Irishman, thinking he had discovered a just cause for

triumph, roared out to his companion, Only see, Phelim! see here! they

talk of the Irish bulls; only do but see now! here’s a fellow puts up

the Rising Sun, and calls it A Moon.

602. A grocer, in Dublin, announces that he has whiskey on sale which

was drunk by his late Majesty while he was in Ireland.

603. A servant girl, who always attended divine service, but who also

could not read, had, from constant attendance, got the service by rote,

and could repeat it extremely well. But a few Sundays previous to her

marriage, she was accompanied in the same pew by her beau, to whom she

did not like it to be known that she could not read; she, therefore,

took up the prayer-book, and held it before her. Her lover wished to

have a sight of it also, but, unfortunately for her, she held it upside

down. The man astonished, said, Good heavens! why you have the book

wrong side upwards. I know it, sir, said she, confusedly, I always read

so, I am left-handed.

604. Quin being one day in a coffee-house, saw a young beau enter, in an

elegant negligée dress, quite languid with the heat of the day. Waiter,

said the coxcomb, in an affected faint voice, Waiter, fetch me a dish of

coffee, weak as water, and cool as a zephyr! Quin, in a voice of

thunder, immediately vociferated, Waiter, bring me a dish of coffee, hot

as h-ll, and strong as d―t―n. The beau, starting, exclaimed in his

feminine way, Pray, waiter, what is that gentleman’s name? Quin, in the

same tremendous tone, exclaimed, Waiter, pray what is that lady’s name?

605. An old female methodist preached about the country, that she had

been eleven months in heaven. One of the audience started up and said,

It was a pity that she did not stay the other odd month, as she might

then have gained a legal settlement.

606. Two actors belonging to Covent Garden Theatre, being on their way

to Brighton, stopped at an inn to change horses, where there was a coach

coming towards London, waiting the same accommodation, on the roof of

which was seated a farmer’s man, who hailed the two actors thus: So,

masters, you are going a mumming I see. How the devil does that fellow

know we are performers? said one of the actors. Don’t you see he’s on

the stage himself? replied the other.

607. The tradesmen of a certain great man, having dunned him for a long

time, he desired his servant one morning to admit the tailor who had not

been so constant in his attendance as the rest. When he made his

appearance, My friend, said he to him, I think you are a very honest

fellow, and I have a great regard for you; therefore, I take this

opportunity to tell you, that I’ll never pay you a farthing! Now go

home, mind your business, and don’t lose your time by calling here.―As

for the others, they are a set of vagabonds and rascals, for whom I have

no affection, and they may come as often as they choose.

608. Atterbury, Bishop of Rochester, when a certain bill was brought

into the House of Lords, said, among other things, That he prophesied

last winter this bill would be attempted in the present session, and he

was sorry to find that he had proved a true prophet. Lord Coningsby, who

spoke after the bishop, and always spoke in a passion, desired the house

to remark, That his right reverend friend had set himself forth as a

prophet; but for his part he did not know what prophet to liken him to,

unless to that furious prophet, Balaam, who was reproved by his own ass.

The bishop, in a reply, with great wit and calmness, exposed this rude

attack, concluding thus:―Since the noble lord had discovered in our

manners such a similitude, I am content to be compared to the prophet

Balaam; but, my lords, I am at a loss to make out the other part of the

parallel; where is the ass? I am sure I have been reproved by nobody but

his lordship.

609. A man in the habit of travelling, complained to his friend, that he

had often been robbed, and was afraid of stirring abroad; he was advised

to carry pistols with him on his journey. Oh! that would be still worse,

replied the hero, the thieves would rob me of them also.

610. When Brennan, the noted highwayman, was taken in the south of

Ireland, curiosity drew numbers to the gaol to see the man loaded with

irons, who had long been a terror to the country. Among others was a

banker, whose notes at that time were not held in the highest

estimation, who assured the prisoner that he was very glad to see him

there at last. Brennan, looking up, replied, Ah! sir, I did not expect

that from you; indeed, I did not; for you well know, that when all the

country refused your notes, I took them.

611. When Johnson had completed his Dictionary, the delay of which had

quite exhausted the patience of Millar, the bookseller, the latter

acknowledged the receipt of the last sheet in the following

terms:―“Andrew Millar sends his compliments to Mr. Samuel Johnson, with

the money for the last sheet of the copy of the Dictionary, and thanks

God he has done with him.” To this uncourteous intimation, the doctor

replied in this smart retort: “Samuel Johnson returns his compliments to

Mr. Andrew Millar, and is very glad to find (as he does by his note)

that Andrew Millar has the grace to thank God for anything.”

612. A man was sitting in his study at work, when one of his neighbours

came running to tell him that the back part of his house must be on

fire, as it smoked excessively: Oh! answered the man, be so good as to

tell my wife, for I do not concern myself at all with the housekeeping.

613. An old woman that sold ale, being at church, fell asleep during the

sermon, and unluckily let her old-fashioned clasped Bible fall, which

making a great noise, she exclaimed, half awake, So, you jade, there’s

another jug broke.

614. The late Countess of Kenmare, who was a devout Catholic, passing

one day from her devotions at a chapel in Dublin, through a lane of

beggars, who are there certainly the best actors in Europe, in the

display of counterfeit misery, her ladyship’s notice was particularly

attracted by one fellow apparently more wretched than the rest, and she

asked him, Pray, my good man, what is the matter with you? The fellow,

who well knew her simplicity and benevolence, answered, Oh! my lady, I’m

deaf and dumb. Poor man! replied the innocent lady, how long have you

been so? Ever since I had the fever last Christmas. The poor lady

presented him with half-a-crown, and went away commiserating his

misfortune.

615. Sheridan was very desirous that his son Tom should marry a young

woman with large fortune, but knew that Miss Callander had won his son’s

heart. One day he requested Tom to walk with him, and soon entered on

the subject of his marriage, and pointed out to him in glowing colours

the advantages of so brilliant an alliance. Tom listened with the utmost

patience, and then descanted on the perfections of the woman who proved

the pride and solace of his declining years. Sheridan grew warm, and

expatiating on the folly of his son, at length exclaimed, Tom, if you

marry Caroline Callander, I’ll cut you off with a shilling! Tom could

not resist the opportunity of replying, and, looking archly at his

father, said, Then, sir, you must borrow it. Sheridan was tickled at the

wit, and dropped the subject.

616. About the year 1762, a colonel in command in the West Indies, was

ordered to disembark his corps for the attack of one of the islands. In

stepping into a boat he fell overboard, and the current was carrying him

rapidly from the ship, when an honest tar jumped after him, kept him

afloat till a boat was despatched to his assistance, and put him on

board again in safety. One of Jack’s mess-mates having observed the

colonel put something into the hand of his deliverer, stepped up to him,

and exclaimed, Dam―me, Jack, you’re in luck to-day, aye! and eagerly

opening his hand, expected at least to share in a can of grog; but on

discovering the generous reward, a sixpence, the tar uttered a prayer,

and whispered his messmate, Never mind, Jack, every man knows the value

of his life best.

617. A rich, but miserly man, invited a poor acquaintance to dine with

him, and when they were seated at table, helped him to a very small

piece of meat; upon which, the poor man, starting from his chair,

exclaimed, I’m blind! I’m blind! I’m blind! The other, astonished at

this sudden misfortune, begged his guest to resume his seat, and try if

he could not see at all; on this, the poor man, taking up his plate,

said, I think I can see a little bit.

618. A gentleman happening to remark, one intensely hot evening, that

Parliament would soon be dissolved, a young lady immediately added, So

shall we all, if this weather continues.

619. Soon after the settlement of New England, Governor Dudley, taking a

walk, met a stout Indian begging, and saying he could get no work. The

governor told him to go to his house, and he would give him work. But,

said the negro, why you no work, massa? O, said the governor, my head

works. The man, however, turned out an idle good-for-nothing fellow, and

his master found it necessary one day to have him flogged. With this

view he gave him a letter, desiring him to carry it to the keeper of the

workhouse. The negro, suspecting its contents, committed it to the care

of one of his comrades, who got a sound whipping for his trouble. The

governor having learned this, asked Mungo why he did so? O, massa, said

he, head work.

620. When Lord Stair was ambassador in Holland, he gave frequent

entertainments, to which the foreign ministers were constantly invited,

not excepting the ambassador of France, with whose nation we were then

on the point of breaking. In return, the Abbé de Ville, the French

ambassador, as constantly invited the English and Austrian ambassadors

upon the like occasions. The Abbé was a man of vivacity, and fond of

punning. Agreeable to this humour, he one day proposed a toast in these

terms: “The Rising Sun, my master,” alluding to the device and motto of

Louis XIV.; which was pledged by the whole company. It came then to the

Baron de Reisback’s turn to give a toast; and he, to countenance the

Abbé, proposed the Moon, in compliment to the empress queen; which was

greatly applauded. The turn then came to the Earl of Stair, on whom all

eyes were fastened; but that nobleman, whose presence of mind never

forsook him, drank his master, King William, by the name of Joshua, the

son of Nun, who made the Sun and Moon stand still.

621. A Frenchman having called for some liquor at a public-house in

England, was surprised at receiving it in a glass, alleging, he thought

it appeared very little. You have enough for your money, replied the

host, gruffly. That may be, said the other, but in France they always

bring it in a measure. Ay, said the landlord, like enough; but we do not

want to introduce French measures here.

622. The Khalif Haroun Alraschid was accosted one day by a poor woman,

who complained that his soldiers had pillaged her house, and laid waste

her grounds. The khalif desired her to remember the words of the Koran,

That when princes go forth to battle, the people, through whose fields

they pass, must suffer. Yes, said the woman, but it is also written in

the same book, that the habitations of those princes, who authorize the

injustice, shall be made desolate. This bold and just reply had a

powerful effect on the khalif, who ordered immediate reparation to be

made.

623. As the late beautiful Duchess of Devonshire was one day stepping

out of her carriage, a dustman, who was accidentally standing by, and

was about to regale himself with his accustomed whiff of tobacco, caught

a glance of her countenance, and instantly exclaimed, Love and bless

you, my lady, let me light my pipe in your eyes! It is said the duchess

was so delighted with this compliment, that she frequently afterwards

checked the strain of adulation, which was so constantly offered to her

charms, by saying, Oh! after the dustman’s compliment, all others are

insipid.

624. A man carrying a cradle, was stopped by an old woman, and thus

accosted: So, sir, you have got some of the fruits of matrimony. Softly,

softly, old lady, said he, you mistake, this is merely the fruit-basket.

625. A Jew who was condemned to be hanged, was brought to the gallows,

and was just on the point of being turned off, when a reprieve arrived.

Moses was informed of this, and it was expected he would instantly have

quitted the cart, but he stayed to see his two fellow-travellers hanged;

and being asked, Why he did not get about his business, he said, He

waited to see if he could bargain with Maisther Ketsch for the two

gentlemen’s clothes.

626. An English drummer having strolled from the camp, approached the

French lines, and before he was aware, was seized by the piquet, and

carried before the commander, on suspicion of being a spy, disguised in

a drummer’s uniform. On being questioned, however, he honestly told the

truth, and declared who and what he was. This not gaining credit, a drum

was sent for, and he was desired to beat a couple of marches, which he

readily performed, and thus removed the Frenchman’s suspicion of his

assuming a fictitious character. But, my lad, said he, let me now hear

you beat a retreat. A retreat? replied the drummer; I don’t know what it

is, nor is it known in the English service! The French officer was so

pleased with this spirited remark, that he dismissed the poor fellow,

with a letter of recommendation to his general.

627. A very volatile young lord, whose conquests in the female world

were numberless, at last married. Now, my lord, said the countess, I

hope you’ll mend. Madam, said he, you may depend upon it, this is my

last folly.

628. Susan, said an Irish footman the other day to his fellow servant,

what are the joy bells ringing for again? In honour of the Duke of

York’s birthday, Mr. Murphy. Be aisy now, rejoined the Hibernian, none

of your blarney―sure ’twas the Prince Regent’s on Tuesday, and how can

it be his brother’s to-day, unless, indeed, they were twins?

629. When General R― was quartered at a small town in Ireland, he and

his lady were regularly besieged, whenever they got into their carriage,

by an old beggar-woman, who kept her post at the door, assailing them

daily with fresh importunities, and fresh tales of distress. At last the

general’s charity and the lady’s patience were nearly exhausted, though

their petitioner’s wit was still in its pristine vigour. One morning, at

the accustomed hour, and close by the side of the carriage, the old

woman began―Agh! my lady, success to your ladyship, and success to your

honour’s honour this morning, of all the days in the year, for sure

didn’t I dream last night that her ladyship gave me a pound of ta (tea)

and that your honour gave me a pound of tobacco. But, my good woman,

said the general, don’t you know that dreams always go by the rule of

contrary? Do they so, plase your honour? rejoined the old woman; then it

must be your honour that will give me the ta, and her ladyship that will

give me the ’bacco.

630. A party of bon vivants, who had recently dined at a celebrated

tavern, after having drank an immense quantity of wine, rang for the

bill. It was accordingly brought, but the amount appeared so enormous to

one of the company, (not quite so far gone as the rest,) that he

stammered out, it was impossible so many bottles could have been drunk

by seven persons. True, sir, said Boniface, but your honour forgets the

three gentlemen under the table.

631. The servant of a naval commander, an Irishman, one day let a

tea-kettle fall into the sea, upon which he ran to his master, Arrah, an

plase your honour, can anything be said to be lost, when you know where

it is? Certainly not, replied the captain. Why then your kettle is at

the bottom of the sea.

632. Amiral Keppel being sent to Algiers, for the purpose of demanding

satisfaction for the injuries done to his Britannic Majesty’s subjects,

by the corsairs of that state, the Dey, enraged at the boldness of the

ambassador, exclaimed, that he wondered at the insolence of the English

monarch, in sending him a message by a foolish beardless boy. The

admiral immediately replied, That if his master had supposed wisdom was

to be measured by length of beard, he would have sent his Deyship a

billy-goat.

633. When Lord Anson once attacked a French squadron in the Bay of

Biscay, and L’Invincible struck, Monsieur de la Jonquieu, who was the

commander, was brought aboard the admiral’s ship, where seeing Le

Glorieux, another of his squadron, engaged with an English vessel of

superior force, he bowed, surrendered his sword, and said, My Lord, you

have conquered the Invincible, and Glory must follow.

634. A fellow who loved laughing better than his meat, put a number of

rams’ horns into a basket, and went up and down the streets at the west

end of the town, crying, New fruit, new fruit, ho! as loud as he could

bawl. Lord ― hearing the noise, put his head out of his drawing-room

window, and asked the fellow to show him his fruit; which having looked

at, he asked him if he was not ashamed thus to disturb a quiet

neighbourhood; for who the devil, said the peer, do you think will buy

horns? Well, master, replied the fellow, do not put yourself in a

passion; though you are provided, I may meet with other men that are

not.

635. Dean ―, when residing on a living in the country, had occasion

one day to unite a rustic couple in the holy bands of matrimony. The

ceremony being over, the husband began “to sink in resolution,” and

falling (as some husbands might do) into a fit of repentance, he said,

Your reverence has tied this knot tightly, I fancy, but, under favour,

may I ask your reverence, if so be you could untie it again? Why no,

replied the Dean, we never do that on this part of the consecrated

ground. Where then? cried the man eagerly. On that, pointing to the

burial ground.

636. An Irish gentleman, in the warmth of national feeling, was praising

Ireland for the cheapness of provisions; a salmon, he said, might be

bought for sixpence, and a dozen mackerel for twopence. And pray, sir,

how came you to leave so cheap a country? Arrah, my dear honey!

exclaimed the Irishman, just because there were no sixpences and

twopences to be got.

637. The Spaniards do not often pay hyperbolical compliments, but one of

their admired writers, speaking of a lady’s black eyes, said, That they

were in mourning for the murders they had committed.

638. An old gentleman of eighty-four, having taken to the altar a young

damsel of about sixteen, the clergyman said to him: The font is at the

other end of the church. What do I want with the font? said the old

gentleman. Oh! I beg your pardon, said the clerical wit, I thought you

had brought this child to be christened.

639. In a great storm at sea, when the ship’s crew were all at prayers,

a boy burst into a violent fit of laughter; being reproved for his

ill-timed mirth, and asked the reason of it―Why, said he, I was

laughing to think what a hissing the boatswain’s red nose will make when

it comes into the water. This ludicrous remark set the crew a-laughing,

inspired them with new spirits, and by a great exertion they brought the

vessel safe into port.

640. A bon vivant of fashion, brought to his death-bed by an immoderate

use of wine, after having been seriously taken leave of by Dr. Pitcairn,

and being told that he could not in all human probability survive many

hours, and would die by eight o’clock next morning, exerted the small

remains of his strength to call the doctor back, which having

accomplished with difficulty, his loudest effort not exceeding a

whisper, he said, with the true spirit of a gambler, Doctor, I’ll bet

you a bottle I live till nine!

641. Two Irish bricklayers were working at some houses, and one of them

was boasting of the steadiness with which he could carry a load to any

height. The other contested the point, and the conversation ended in a

bet that he could not carry him in his hod up a ladder to the top of the

building. The experiment was made: Pat placed himself in the hod, and

his comrade, after a great deal of care and exertion, succeeded in

taking him up. Without any reflection on the danger he had escaped, the

loser observed to the winner, To be sure, I have lost; but don’t you

remember, about the third story you made a slip―I was then in hopes.

642. The Rev. Caleb Colton, nephew of Sir George Staunton, has related

in a recent publication, the following anecdote: My late uncle, Sir G.

Staunton told me a curious anecdote of old Kien Long, Emperor of China.

He was inquiring of Sir George the manner in which physicians were paid

in England. When, after some difficulty, his majesty was made to

comprehend the system, he exclaimed, Is any man well in England that can

afford to be ill? Now, I will inform you, said he, how I manage my

physicians. I have four, to whom the care of my health is committed: a

certain weekly salary is allowed them, but the moment I am ill, the

salary stops till I am well again. I need not inform you my illnesses

are usually short.

643. The late Lord Norbury, some time since going as a judge on the

Munster circuit, was, as usual, so strict in the administration of

criminal justice, that few, of whose guilt there were any strong grounds

of suspicion, were suffered to escape, merely through any slovenly flaws

in the wording of their indictments, or doubts upon the testimony.

Dining, as usual, with the seniors of the bar, at an inn, a gentleman,

who sat near the judge, asked leave to help his lordship to part of a

pickled tongue. Lord Norbury replied, he did not like pickled tongue;

but if it had been hung, he would try it. Mr. Curran, who sat on the

other side, said, that the defect was easily obviated; for if his

lordship would only try it, it would certainly be hung.

644. A clergyman was reading the burial service over an Irish corpse,

and having forgot which sex it was, on coming to that part of the

ceremony which reads thus: our dear brother or sister, the reverend

gentleman stopped, and seeing Pat stand by, stepped back, and whispering

to him, said, Is it a brother or a sister? Pat answered, Neither, it is

only a relation.

645. Sir J. S. Hamilton, lounging one day in Dalby’s chocolate house,

when, after a long drought there fell a torrent of rain: a country

gentleman observed, This is a most delightful rain; It will bring up

everything out of the ground. By Jove, sir, said Sir John, I hope not;

for I have sown three wives, and I should be very sorry to see them come

up again.

646. The father of an Irish student, seeing his son doing something

improper, How now, sirrah, said he, did you ever see me do so when I was

a boy?

647. When Mr. Penn, a young gentleman well known for his eccentricities,

walked from Hyde Park Corner to Hammersmith, for a wager of one hundred

guineas, with the Honourable Butler Danvers, several gentlemen who had

witnessed the contest spoke of it to the Duchess of Gordon, and added,

It was a pity that a man with so many good qualities as this Penn had,

should be incessantly playing these unaccountable pranks. It is so, said

her grace, but why don’t you advise him better? He seems to be a pen

that everybody cuts, but nobody mends.

648. David Hume and R. B. Sheridan were crossing the water to Holland,

when a high gale arising, the philosopher seemed under great

apprehension lest he should go to the bottom. Why, said his friend, that

will suit your genius to a tittle; as for my part, I am only for

skimming the surface.

649. Quin sometimes said things at once witty and wise. Disputing

concerning the execution of Charles I., But by what laws, said his

opponent, was he put to death? By all the laws that he had left them.

650. An English gentleman travelling through the Highlands, came to the

inn of Letter Finlay, in the braes of Lochaber. He saw no person near

the inn, and knocked at the door. No answer. He knocked repeatedly, with

as little success; he then opened the door, and walked in. On looking

about, he saw a man lying on a bed, whom he hailed thus: Are there any

Christians in this house? No, was the reply, we are all Camerons.

651. Two bucks, lately sitting over a pint of wine, made up for the

deficiency of port by the liveliness of their wit. After many jokes had

passed, one of them took up a nut, and holding it to his friend, said,

If this nut could speak, what would it say? Why, rejoined the other, it

would say, give me none of your jaw.

652. A gentleman indisposed, and confined to his bed, sent his servant

to see what hour it was by a sun-dial, which was fastened to a post in

his garden. The servant was an Irishman, and being at a loss how to find

the time, carried the sun-dial to his master, saying, Arrah, now look at

it yourself: it is indeed all a mystery to me.

653. A gentleman in the West Indies, who had frequently promised his

friends to leave off drinking, without their discovering any

improvement, was one morning called on early by an intimate friend, who

met the negro boy at his door. Well, Sambo, said he, where is your

master? Massa gone out, sare, was the reply. And has he left off

drinking yet? rejoined the first. Oh yes, sure, said Sambo, massa leave

off drinking―he leave off two-tree time dis morning.

654. An Irishman having been summoned to the Court of Requests at

Guildhall, by an apothecary, for medicines, was asked by one of the

commissioners what the plaintiff had from time to time served him with,

to which he gave suitable answers. And pray, said the commissioner, what

was the last thing he served you with? Why, your honour, replied the

honest Hibernian, the last thing he served me with, please you, was the

summons.

655. When George II. was once expressing his admiration of General

Wolfe, some one observed that the general was mad. Oh! he is mad, is he!

said the king, with great quickness, then I wish he would bite some of

my other generals.

656. A sailor who had served on board the Romney, with Sir Home Popham,

after returning home from India, finding that wigs were all in fashion,

bespoke a red one, which he sported at Portsmouth, to the great surprise

of his companions. On being asked the cause of the change of colour in

his hair, he said it was occasioned by his bathing in the Red Sea.

657. A physician attending a lady several times, had received a couple

of guineas each visit; at last, when he was going away, she gave him but

one; at which he was surprised, and looking on the floor, as if in

search of something, she asked him what he looked for. I believe, madam,

said he, I have dropped a guinea. No, sir, replied the lady, it is I

that have dropped it.

658. A prudent poet, about the beginning of the civil, or rather

uncivil, troubles for men of his kidney, in England’s rebellious days,

was asked as he lay on his death-bed, how he would be buried? With my

face downward; for in a short time England will be turned upside down,

and then I shall be right.

659. A boy having run away from school to go to sea, his friends wrote

to him, that death would be perpetually staring him in the face; to

which he replied, Well, what of that? every ship is provided with

shrouds.

660. A facetious fellow having unwittingly offended a conceited puppy,

the latter told him he was no gentleman. Are you a gentleman? asked the

droll one. Yes, sir, bounced the fop. Then I am very glad I am not,

replied the other.

661. Why you have never opened your mouth this session, said Sir Thomas

Lethbridge to Mr. Gye. I beg your pardon, Sir Thomas, replied Mr. Gye;

your speeches have made me open it very frequently. My jaws have ached

with yawning.

662. A person who was famous for arriving just at dinner-time, upon

going to a friend’s (where he was a frequent dropper in), was asked by

the lady of the house if he would do as they did. On his replying he

should be happy to have the pleasure, she replied, Dine at home then. A

_quietus_ for some time at least.

663. As a worthy city baronet was gazing one evening at the gas lights

in front of the Mansion-house, an old acquaintance came up to him, and

said, Well, Sir William, are you studying astronomy? No, sir, replied

the alderman. I am studying gastronomy. His friend looked astonished,

and the baronet replied, Do you doubt my voracity? No, Sir William.

664. A certain cit, who had suddenly risen into wealth by monopolies and

contracts, from a very low condition in life, stood up in the pit of the

opera with his hat on; the Duchess of Gordon whispered to a lady, We

must forgive that man: he has so short a time been used to the luxury of

a hat, that he does not know when to pull it off.

665. A person disputing with Peter Pindar, said, in great heat, that he

did not like to be thought a scoundrel. I wish, replied Peter, that you

had as great a dislike to being a scoundrel.

666. A lady in Calcutta asked Colonel Ironsides for a mango. As he

rolled it along the table, it fell into a plate of kissmists, a kind of

grape very common in the East Indies: upon which Dr. Hunter, a gentleman

as eminent for his wit as for his skill in his profession, neatly

observed, How naturally man-goes to kiss-miss.

667. At one of those large convivial parties which distinguished the

table of Major Hobart, when he was Secretary in Ireland, amongst the

usual loyal toasts, The wooden walls of England! being given, Sir John

Hamilton, in his turn, gave The wooden walls of Ireland! The toast being

quite new, he was asked for an explanation: upon which, filling a

bumper, he very gravely stood up, and, bowing to the Marquis of

Waterford and several country gentlemen, who commanded county regiments,

he said, My lords and gentlemen, I have the pleasure of giving you The

wooden walls of Ireland―the colonels of militia.

668. When it was debated about sending bishops to America, much was said

pro and con. One gentleman wondered that anybody should object to it;

For my part, said he, I wish all our bishops were sent to America.

669. Dr. Parr once called a clergyman a fool, who, indeed, was little

better. The clergyman said he would complain of this usage to the

bishop. Do, said the doctor, and my lord bishop will confirm you.

670. Ralph Wewitzer, ordering a box of candles, said he hoped they would

be better than the last. The chandler said he was very sorry to hear

them complained of, as they were as good as he could make. Why, said

Ralph, they were very well till about half burnt down, but after that

they would not burn any longer.

671. Piavano Arloto, a buffoon, boasted that in all his life he never

spoke truth. Except, replied another, at this present moment.

672. A Cantab, who happened to be under Sir B. Harwood, when professor,

was enjoined to live temperately, as a cure for his malady. The doctor

called upon him one day, and found him enjoying himself over a bottle of

Madeira. Ah, doctor! exclaimed the patient, at the same time reaching

out his hand to bid him welcome, I am glad to see you; you are just in

time to taste the first bottle of some prime Madeira! Ah! replied Sir

Busack, these bottles of Madeira will never do―they are the cause of

all your sufferings! Are they so? cried the patient, then fill your

glass, my dear doctor; for, since we know the cause, the sooner we get

rid of it the better.

673. A late wit, at the time when the revolutionary names of the months

(Thermidor, Floréal, Nivose, &c.) were adopted in France, proposed to

extend the innovation to our own language, somewhat on the following

model: Freezy, Sneezy, Breezy, Wheezy; Showery, Lowery, Flowery, Bowery;

Snowy, Flowy, Blowy, Glowy.

674. A duel, between M. de Langerie and M. de Montande, both remarkable

for their ugliness, had a very comic catastrophe. Arrived at the place

of fighting, M. de Langerie stared his adversary in the face, and said,

I have just reflected; I can’t fight with you. With this he returned his

sword to its scabbard. How, sir, what does this mean? It means that I

shall not fight. What! you insult me, and refuse to give me

satisfaction? If I have insulted you, I ask a thousand pardons, but I

have an insurmountable reason for not fighting with you. But, sir, may

one know it? It will offend you. No, sir. You assure me? Yes, I assure

you. Well, sir, this it is: if we fight, according to all appearances I

shall kill you, and then I shall remain the ugliest fellow in the

kingdom. His adversary could not help laughing, and they returned to the

city good friends.

675. A clergyman, on leaving church, was complimented by one of his

friends on the discourse he had been delivering. South himself,

exclaimed the delighted auditor, never preached a better. You are right,

replied the honest divine,―it was the very best he ever did preach.

676. On a remarkably hot summer’s day, an Irishman, thinly and openly

dressed, sitting down in a violent perspiration, was cautioned against

catching cold. Catch it? said he, wiping his face, where? I wish I could

catch it.

677. Sheridan made his appearance one day in a pair of new boots―these

attracting the notice of some of his friends, Now guess, said he, how I

came by these boots? Many probable guesses then took place. No! said

Sheridan, no, you’ve not hit it, nor ever will; I bought them, and paid

for them.

678. A gentleman, long famous for the aptitude of his puns, observing a

violent fracas in the front of a gin-shop, facetiously termed it the

battle of A-gin-court.

679. When Lord Sandwich was to present Admiral Campbell, he told him,

that, probably, the king would knight him. The admiral did not much

relish the honour. Well, but, said Lord S., perhaps Mrs. Campbell will

like it. Then let the king knight her, answered the rough seaman.

680. A father, exhorting his son to early rising, related a story of a

person who, early one morning, found a large purse of money. Well,

replied the youth, but the person who lost it rose earlier.

681. Reynolds, the dramatist, observing to Martin the thinness of the

house at one of his own plays, added, He supposed it was owing to the

war. No, replied the latter, it is owing to the piece.

682. A physician being sent for, by a maker of universal specifics,

expressed his surprise at being called in on an occasion apparently so

trifling. Not so trifling neither, replied the quack, for, to tell you

the truth, I have taken some of my own pills.

683. About the time when Murphy so successfully attacked the

stage-struck heroes in the pleasant farce of ‘The Apprentice,’ an

eminent poulterer went to a spouting-club in search of his servant, who,

he understood, was that evening to make his _debut_ in Lear, and entered

the room at the moment he was exclaiming, “I am the king; you cannot

touch me for coining.” No, you dog, cried the enraged master, catching

the mad monarch by his collar, but I can for not picking the ducks.

684. A West Indian, who had a remarkably fiery nose, sleeping in his

chair, a negro-boy, who was in waiting, observed a musquito hovering

about his face. Quashi eyed the insect very attentively, and at last saw

him alight upon his master’s nose, and immediately fly off again. Ah!

exclaimed the negro, me glad to see you burn your foot.

685. Sheridan was dining with Lord Thurlow, when he produced some

admirable Constantia, which had been sent him from the Cape of Good

Hope. The wine tickled the palate of Sheridan, who saw the bottle

emptied with uncommon regret, and set his wits to work to get another.

The old Chancellor was not to be so easily induced to produce his

curious Cape in such profusion, and foiled all Sheridan’s attempts to

get another glass. Sheridan being piqued, and seeing the inutility of

persecuting the immovable pillar of the law, turned towards a gentleman

sitting farther down, and said, Sir, pass me up that decanter, for I

must return to Madeira since I cannot double the Cape.

686. Two city merchants conversing upon business at the door of the New

York Coffee-house, one of them made some remarks on the badness of the

times; and perceiving at the moment, a flight of pigeons passing over

their heads, he exclaimed, How happy are those pigeons! they have no

acceptances to provide for. To which the other replied, You are rather

in error, my friend, for they have their bills to provide for as well as

we!

687. An Irishman having lost an eye, a friend of his recommended him to

one of our famous oculists, with whom he agreed to give ten guineas for

a very beautiful one shown him among the rest. He actually called the

next day to abuse him for having sold him an eye with which he could not

see.

688. An Irish soldier pretending dumbness, and the surgeon of the

regiment, after several attempts to restore him, declaring him

incurable, was discharged. He, a short time afterwards enlisted in

another corps, and being recognized by an old comrade, and questioned

how he learned to speak? By the powers, replied Terence, ten guineas

would make any man speak.

689. A singer once complaining to Mr. Jeffery, that himself and his

brother (both of whom were deemed simpletons), had been ordered to take

ass’s milk, but that on account of its expensiveness, he hardly knew

what they should do. Do! cried Mr. Jeffery, why suck one another, to be

sure.

690. A Cantab, one day observing a ragamuffin-looking boy scratching his

head at the door of Stevenson, the bookseller, in Cambridge, where he

was begging, and thinking to pass a joke upon him, said, So, Jack, you

are picking them out, are you? Nah, sar, retorted the urchin, I takes

’em as they come!

691. An Irish gardener seeing a boy stealing some fruit, swore, if he

caught him there again, he’d lock him up in the ice-house, and warm his

jacket.

692. Swift’s Stella, who was an Irish lady, being extremely ill, her

physician said, Madam, you are certainly near the bottom of the hill,

but we shall endeavour to get you up again. She replied, Doctor, I am

afraid I shall be out of breath before I get to the top again.

693. A lady observing in company, how glorious and useful a body the sun

was,―Why, yes, madam, said an Irish gentleman present, the sun is a

very fine body, to be sure; but, in my opinion, the moon is much more

useful; for the moon affords us light in the night-time, when we really

want it; whereas we have the sun with us in the day-time, when we have

no occasion for it.

694. Doctor Lucas, the celebrated Irish patriot, having, after a very

sharp contest, carried the election as a representative in parliament

for the city of Dublin, was met, a few days after, by a lady whose whole

family were very warm in the interest of the unsuccessful candidate;

Well, doctor, said she, I find you have gained the election. Yes, madam.

No wonder, sir: all the blackguards voted for you. No, madam, your two

sons did not, returned the doctor.

695. Anthony Pasquin one day leaning over the Margate Pier, after a

tremendous storm on the preceding night, You have had a blustering night

of it, said he, to an Irish sailor, who stood near him, but after a

storm comes a calm. By my sowl, and so it ought, said Pat, for the winds

and the waves had a hard night’s bout of it, and it’s time for them to

rest themselves.

696. An Irishman, speaking of the rapacity of the clergy in exacting

their tithes, said, By Jasus, let a farmer be ever so poor, they won’t

fail to make him pay his full tenths, whether he can or not; nay, they

would instead of a tenth take a twentieth, if the law permitted them.

697. When Dr. Franklin applied to the King of Prussia to lend his

assistance to America, Pray, doctor, said the veteran, what is the

object you mean to attain? Liberty, sire, replied the philosopher of

Philadelphia: liberty! that freedom which is the birth-right of man. The

king, after a short pause, made this memorable and kingly answer: I was

born a prince, I am become a king, and I will not use the power which I

possess to the ruin of my own trade.

698. Two gentlemen at Bath having a difference, one went to the other’s

door early in the morning, and wrote ‘Scoundrel’ upon it. The other

called upon his neighbour, and was answered by his servant, that his

master was not at home, but if he had anything to say he might leave it

with him. No, no, said he, I was only going to return your master’s

visit, as he left his name at my door this morning.

699. A robustious countryman, meeting a physician, ran to hide behind a

wall; being asked the cause, he replied, It is so long since I have been

sick, that I am ashamed to look a physician in the face.

700. A Cantab being out of ready cash, went in haste to a fellow-student

to borrow, who happened to be in bed at the time. Shaking him, the

Cantab demanded, Are you asleep? Why? said the student. Because, replied

the other, I want to borrow half-a-crown. Then, answered the student,

I’m asleep.

701. Through an avenue of trees, at the back of Trinity College, a

church may be seen at a considerable distance, the approach to which

affords no very pleasing scenery. The late Professor Porson, on a time,

walking that way with a friend and observing the church, remarked, That

it put him in mind of a fellowship, which was a long dreary walk, with a

church at the end of it.

702. A certain lodging-house was very much infested by vermin; a

gentleman who slept there one night, told the landlady so in the

morning, when she said, La, sir, we haven’t a single one in the house.

No, ma’am, said he, they’re all married, and have large families too.

703. One of the check-takers (an Irishman) at the Zoological Society’s

Garden, mentioned to a friend, that the Queen had visited the garden

_incog._ on a particular day. Why, said the person he was informing, It

is odd we never heard of it! Oh, not at all, at all, rejoined Pat: for

she didn’t come like a queen; but clane and dacent like another lady!

704. An officer in full regimentals passing through a street in Dublin,

apprehensive lest he should come in contact with a chimney sweep that

was pressing towards him, exclaimed, Hold off, you black rascal. You

were as black as me before you were boiled, cried sooty.

705. Voltaire, in the presence of an Englishman, was one day enlarging

with great warmth in the praise of Haller, extolling him as a great

poet, a great naturalist, and a man of universal attainments. The

Englishman, who had been on a visit to Haller, answered, that it was

handsome in Monsieur de Voltaire to speak so favourably of Monsieur

Haller, inasmuch as Monsieur Haller was by no means so liberal to

Monsieur de Voltaire. Alas! said Voltaire, with an air of philosophic

indulgence, I dare to say we are both very much mistaken!

706. One day, when Sir Isaac Heard was with his majesty King George

III., it was announced that his majesty’s horse was ready to start for

hunting. Sir Isaac, said the monarch, are you a judge of horses? In my

younger days, please your majesty, was the reply, I was a great deal

among them. What do you think of this, then? said the king, who was by

this time preparing to mount his favourite; and without waiting for an

answer, added, We call him Perfection. A most appropriate name, replied

the courtly herald, bowing as his majesty reached the saddle, for he

bears the best of characters!

707. At Worcester Assizes, a cause was tried about the soundness of a

horse, in which a clergyman, not educated in the school of Tattersall,

appeared as a witness. He was confused in giving his evidence, and a

furious blustering counsellor, who examined him, was at last tempted to

exclaim, Pray, sir, do you know the difference between a horse and a

cow? I acknowledge my ignorance, replied the clergyman: I hardly know

the difference between a horse and a cow, or a bully and a bull; only

that a bull, I am told, has horns, and a bully, bowing respectfully to

the counsellor, luckily for me, has none.

708. In a certain company, the conversation having fallen on the subject

of craniology, and the organ of drunkenness being alluded to among

others, a lady suggested that this must be the barrel-organ.

709. The colonel of the Perthshire cavalry, was lately complaining,

that, from the ignorance and inattention of his officers, he was obliged

to do the whole duty of the regiment. I am, said he, my own captain, my

own lieutenant, my own cornet. And trumpeter also, I presume, said a

certain witty duchess.

710. The late celebrated Dr. Brown paid his addresses to a lady for many

years, but unsuccessfully; during which time he had always accustomed

himself to propose her health, whenever he was called upon for a lady.

But being observed one evening to omit it, a gentleman reminded him,

that he had forgotten to toast his favourite lady. Why, indeed, said the

doctor, I find it all in vain; I have toasted her so many years and

cannot make her Brown, that I am determined to toast her no longer.

711. Mr. Henry Erskine, celebrated for his elegant repartee, being in

company with the beautiful Duchess of Gordon, asked her, Are we never

again to enjoy the pleasure of your grace’s society in Edinburgh? Oh!

said she, Edinburgh is a vile dull place, I hate it. Madam, replied the

gallant barrister, the sun might as well say, this is a vile dark

morning, I won’t rise to-day.

712. Serjeant Maynard, an eminent counsellor, waiting with the body of

the law upon the Prince of Orange (afterwards King William) on his

arrival in London, the prince took notice of his great age, the serjeant

then being near ninety. Sir, said he, you have outlived all the men of

the law of your younger years. I should have outlived even the law

itself, replied the serjeant, if your highness had not arrived.

713. When Skelton published his ‘Deism Revealed,’ the Bishop of London

asked the Bishop of Clogher if he knew the author? Oh yes, he has been a

curate in my diocese near these twenty years. More shame for your

lordship to allow a man of his merit to continue so long a curate in

your diocese, was the reply.

714. A gentleman had a cask of Armenian wine, from which his servant

stole a large quantity. When the master perceived the deficiency, he

diligently inspected the top of the cask, but could find no traces of an

opening. Look if there be not a hole in the bottom, said a by-stander.

Blockhead, he replied, do you not see that the deficiency is at the top,

and not at the bottom?

715. Malherbe, the famous reformer of French poetry, and of the French

language, dined one day at the table of a bishop, who was to preach a

sermon the same evening, but who was more hospitable than eloquent. The

dinner was good, the wines delicious; and the poet having freely

partaken of both, began to nod, for want of enlivening conversation.

When the hour came for the bishop’s going to church, he shook Malherbe

by the arm, and said, It is time to start, Malherbe:―you know I am to

preach this evening. Ah, my lord, said the poet, be so good as to excuse

me, for I can sleep very well where I am.

716. A curate of great learning and merit, but without any prospect of

preferment, found an opportunity of preaching before Bishop Hough, who

was so well pleased with his discourse and manner of delivery, that

after service he sent his compliments to him, desiring to know his name,

and where his living was. My duty to his lordship, replied the

clergyman, and tell him my name is Lewis; that living I have none; but

my starving is in Wales. The bishop soon after presented him to a

valuable benefice.

717. King John being shewn a stately monument erected over the grave of

a nobleman who had rebelled against him, and being advised to deface it,

answered, No, no, I wish all my enemies were as honourably buried.

718. One day James the Second, in the middle of his courtiers, made use

of this assertion: I never knew a modest man make his way at court. To

this observation one of the gentlemen present boldly replied: And please

your majesty, whose fault is that? The king remained silent.

719. As two Irish soldiers were passing through Chippenham, one of them

observing the Borough Arms (which have somewhat the appearance of a

hatchment) over the Town-hall door, accosted his comrade with―Arrah,

Pat, look up, what is that sign? Botheration, cried Pat, ’tis no sign at

all, at all, ’tis only a sign that somebody’s dead that lives there.

720. The Duke of Mantua once observed to the celebrated Perron, that the

court-jester was a fellow without either wit or humour. Your grace must

pardon me, said Perron; I think he has a great deal of wit to live by a

trade that he does not understand.

721. The facetious Mr. Bearcroft, told his friend Mr. Vansittart, Your

name is such a long one, I shall drop the sittart, and call you Van, for

the future. With all my heart, said he: by the same rule, I shall drop

croft, and call you Bear!

722. In a life of St. Francis Navier, written by an Italian monk, it is

said, That by one sermon he converted 10,000 persons in a desert island!

723. During the time that martial law was in force in Ireland, and the

people were prohibited from having fire-arms in their possession, some

mischievous varlets gave information that Mr. Scanlon, a respectable

apothecary of Dublin, had three mortars in his house. A magistrate, with

a party of dragoons in his train, surrounded the house, and demanded, in

the king’s name, that the mortars should be delivered to him. Mr.

Scanlon immediately produced them, adding, that as they were useless

without the pestles, those also were at his majesty’s service.

724. At the battle of Dettingen, George II., who commanded in person,

rode on a very unruly horse, which at one period ran away with him to a

very considerable distance, until Ensign Trapand, afterwards General,

seized the bridle, when the king dismounted, exclaiming, Now that I am

on my legs, I am sure that I shall not run away. At the same battle, the

Gens-d’armes, the flower of the French army, made a desperate charge on

the British line opposed to them, and were repulsed. In their retreat

they were attacked by the Scotch Greys, and forced into the river. Some

years after, at a review of the above regiment, his majesty, after

applauding their appearance, turned to the French ambassador, and asked

him his opinion of the regiment, adding, in his exultant manner, that

they were the best troops in the world. The ambassador replied, Has your

majesty ever seen the Gens-d’armes? No, rejoined the king, but my Greys

have.

725. A cause was once tried in one of the western counties which

originated in a dispute about a pair of small-clothes. Upon this

occasion the judge observed, That it was the first time he had ever

known a suit made out of a pair of breeches.

726. Some soldiers once fell upon a watchman in a small town, in a

lonely street, and took away his money and coat. He immediately repaired

to the captain of the regiment, to complain of his misfortune. The

captain asked him whether he had on the waistcoat he then wore when he

was robbed by the soldiers. Yes, sir, replied the poor fellow. Then, my

friend, rejoined the captain, I am can assure you they do not belong to

my company; otherwise they would have left you neither waistcoat nor

shirt.

727. A fashionable countess, asking a young nobleman which he thought

the prettiest flowers, roses or tulips? He replied with great gallantry,

Your ladyship’s two lips before all the roses in the world.

728. A gentleman, who did not live very happy with his wife, on the maid

telling him that she was going to give her mistress warning, as she kept

scolding her from morning till night―Happy girl! said the master, I

wish I could give warning too.

729. In a cause respecting a will, evidence was given to prove the

testatrix, an apothecary’s widow, a lunatic; amongst other things, it

was deposed, that she had swept a quantity of pots, lotions, potions,

&c. into the street as rubbish. I doubt, said the learned judge, whether

sweeping of physic into the street, be any proof of insanity. True, my

lord, replied the counsel, but sweeping the pots away, certainly was.

730. Dr. South, once preaching before Charles II. (who was not very

often in a church), observing that the monarch and all his attendants

began to nod, and, as nobles are common men when they are asleep, some

of them soon after snored, on which he broke off his sermon, and called

out, Lord Lauderdale, let me entreat you to rouse yourself; you snore so

loud that you will wake the king.

731. An Irishman, meeting an acquaintance, thus accosted him: Ah, my

dear, who do you think I have just been speaking to? your old friend

Patrick; faith, and he has grown so thin, I hardly knew him; to be sure,

you are thin, and I am thin, but he is thinner than both of us put

together.

732. An Irishman seeing a large quantity of potatoes standing in a

market-place, observed to a by-stander, what a fine show of potatoes!

Yes, they are, replied he, very fine potatoes: I see you have the name

quite pat; how do you call them in your country? Ah, faith! returned the

Irishman, we never call ’em; when we want any, we go and dig them.

733. During the recent unpleasant situation of affairs in Ireland, a

watch-word was required of every passenger after a certain hour, with

liberty for the sentinel to interrogate at will. A poor harmless

Irishman, travelling from Kilmainy to Kilmore, being asked concerning

his place of departure, and place of destination, answered, to the

astonishment of the inquirer, I have been to kill-many, and am going to

kill-more. That you shall not, said the sentinel, and immediately ran

him through with his bayonet.

734. A blind man, who goes about the streets of London, whining out a

long story about his misfortunes, has, amongst other prayers for the

charitable and humane, the following curious wish:―May you never see

the darkness which I now see!

735. Demonax, hearing one declaim miserably, said, You should practice

more. The orator answering, I am always declaiming to myself―he

replied, No wonder you do not improve, having so foolish an audience.

736. A Highlander, who sold brooms, went into a barber’s shop in

Glasgow, to get shaved. The barber bought one of his brooms, and, after

having shaved him, asked the price of it. Tippence, said the Highlander.

No, no, said the shaver; I’ll give you a penny, and if that does not

satisfy you, take your broom again. The Highlander took it, and asked

what he had to pay. A penny, said Strap. I’ll gie ye a baubee, said

Duncan, and if that dinna satisfy ye, pit on my beard again.

737. A lady asking a gentleman, How it was that most medical men dressed

in black? he replied, The meaning is very obvious, as they are chiefly

occupied in preparing grave subjects.

738. When the British ships under Lord Nelson were bearing down to

attack the combined fleet off Trafalgar, the first lieutenant of the

Revenge, on going round to see that all hands were at quarters, observed

one of the men devoutly kneeling at the side of his gun. So very unusual

an attitude in an English sailor, exciting his surprise and curiosity,

he went and asked the man if he was afraid. Afraid! answered the honest

tar, no! I was only praying that the enemy’s shot may be distributed in

the same proportion as prize-money―the greatest part among the

officers.

739. Indeed, indeed, friend Tom, said one citizen to another, you have

spoiled the look of your nag by cropping his ears so close: what could

be your reason for it? Why, friend Turtle, I will tell you―my horse had

a strange knack of being frightened, and on very trifling occasions

would prick up his ears as if he had seen the devil, and so, to cure

him, I cropped him.

740. Macklin and Dr. Johnson disputing on a literary subject, Johnson

quoted Greek. I do not understand Greek, said Macklin. A man who argues

should understand every language, replied Johnson. Very well, said

Macklin, and gave him a quotation from the Irish.

741. A crooked gentleman, on his arrival at Bath, was asked by another,

what place he had travelled from? I came straight from London, replied

he. Did you so? said the other, then you have been terribly warped by

the way.

742. A countryman on a trial respecting the right of a fishery at a late

Lancaster assizes, was cross-examined by Serjeant Cockel, who, among

many other questions, asked the witness, Dost thou love fish? Yes, said

the poor fellow, with a look of native simplicity, but I dinna like

Cockle sauce with it. A roar of laughter of course followed.

743. A witness in a court, speaking in a very harsh and loud voice, the

lawyer employed on the other side exclaimed, Fellow, why dost thou bark

so furiously? Because, replied the rustic, I think I sees a thief.

744. When Mr. Canning was about giving up Gloucester Lodge, Brompton, he

said to his gardener, as he took a farewell look of the grounds, I am

sorry, Fraser, to leave this old place. Psha, sir, said George, don’t

fret; when you had this old place, you were out of place; now you are in

place, you can get both yourself and me a better place. The hint was

taken, and old George provided for.

745. An Irish Baronet, walking out with a gentleman, was met by his

nurse, who requested charity. The baronet exclaimed vehemently, I will

give you nothing:―you played me a scandalous trick in my infancy. The

old woman, in amazement, asked him what injury she had done to him? He

answered, I was a fine boy, and you changed me!

746. Sir William B. being at a parish meeting, made some proposals that

were objected to by a farmer. Highly enraged, Sir, said he to the

farmer, do you know that I have been to two universities, and at two

colleges in each university? Well, sir, said the farmer, what of that? I

had a calf that sucked two cows, and the observation I made was, the

more he sucked the greater calf he grew.

747. Sir W. Curtis was once present at a public dinner where the Dukes

of York and Clarence formed part of the company. The president gave as a

toast, The “Adelphi” (the Greek word for The Brothers). When it came to

the worthy baronet’s turn to give a toast, he said, Mr. President, as

you seem inclined to give public buildings, I beg leave to propose

Somerset House.

748. One of his Majesty’s frigates being at anchor on a winter’s night,

in a tremendous gale of wind, the ground broke, and she began to drive.

The lieutenant of the watch ran down to the captain, awoke him from his

sleep, and told him the anchor had come home. Well, said the captain,

rubbing his eyes, I think the anchor is perfectly right; who would stay

out such a night as this?

749. The Duke de Roquelaure meeting a very ugly country gentleman at

court, who had a suit to offer, presented it to the king, and urged his

request, saying, he was under the greatest obligations to the suitor.

The king asked what were these great obligations? Ah! Sire, were it not

for him I should be the ugliest man in your majesty’s dominions!

750. Archbishop Laud was a man of very short stature. Charles the First

and the archbishop were one day seated at dinner, when it was agreed

that Archy, the king’s jester, should say grace for them, which he did

in this fashion: Great praise be given to God, but little Laud to the

devil. For this sally Laud was weak enough to insist upon Archy’s

dismissal.

751. Lord Chancellor Hardwicke was very fond of entertaining his

visitors with the following story of his bailiff, who, having been

ordered by his lady to procure a sow of a particular description, came

one day into the dining-room, when full of company, proclaiming with a

burst of joy he could not suppress, I have been at Royston fair, my

lady, and I have got a sow exactly of your ladyship’s size.

752. An officer in Admiral Lord St. Vincent’s fleet, asking one of the

captains, who was gallantly bearing down upon the Spanish fleet, whether

he had reckoned the number of the enemy? No, replied the captain, it

will be time enough to do that when they strike.

753. Sir Charles F― received a severe injury one day in stepping into

his cabriolet. Whereabouts were you hurt, Sir Charles? said Sir Peter

L―; was it near the vertebræ? No, no, answered the baronet, it was

near the Monument.

754. Fletcher, of Saltoun, is well known to have possessed a most

irritable temper. His footman desiring to be dismissed, Why do you leave

me? said he. Because, to speak the truth, I cannot bear your temper. To

be sure, I am passionate, but my passion is no sooner on than it is off.

Yes, replied the servant, but it is no sooner off than it is on.

755. King James I. mounting a horse that was unruly, cried, The de’el

tak’ your saul, sirrah, an ye be na quiet, I’ll send ye to the five

hundred kings in the House o’ Commons: they’ll sune tame ye.

756. You are a Jew, said one man to another; when I bought this pig of

you it was to be a guinea, and now you demand five-and-twenty shillings,

which is more than you asked. For that very reason, replied the other, I

am no Jew, for a Jew always takes less than he asks.

757. The celebrated Hogarth was one of the most absent of men. Soon

after he set up his carriage, he had occasion to pay a visit to the lord

mayor. When he went the weather was fine; but he was detained by

business till a violent shower of rain came on. Being let out of the

mansion-house by a different door from that at which he had entered, he

immediately began to call for a hackney-coach. Not one could be

procured; on which Hogarth sallied forth to brave the storm, and

actually reached his house in Leicester Fields without bestowing a

thought on his own carriage, till Mrs. Hogarth, astonished to see him so

wet and hurried, asked him where he had left it.

758. At a city feast one of the company was expatiating on the blessings

of Providence. Ay, said the late Sir William Curtis, smacking his lips,

it is a blessed place, sure enough; we get all our turtle from it.

759. When Cortez returned to Spain, he was coolly received by the

emperor, Charles the Fifth. One day he suddenly presented himself to

that monarch. Who are you? said the emperor, haughtily. The man, said

Cortez, as haughtily, who has given you more provinces than your

ancestors left you cities.

760. Bautru, a celebrated French wit, being in Spain, went to visit the

famous library of the Escurial, where he found a very ignorant

librarian. The king of Spain interrogated him respecting the library.

’Tis an admirable one, indeed, said he; but your majesty should give the

man who has the care of it, the administration of your finances.

Wherefore? asked the king. Because, replied Bautru, the man never

touches the treasure that is confided to him.

761. Mademoiselle, said Louis XV. to a young lady belonging to his

court, I am assured that you are very learned, and understand four or

five continental tongues. I speak only two, sire, answered she,

trembling. Which are they? German and Italian. Do you speak them

fluently? Yes, sire, very fluently. Well, two are quite enough to drive

a husband mad.

762. At a grand review by George III. of the Portsmouth fleet in 1789,

there was a boy who mounted the shrouds with so much agility as to

surprise every spectator. The king particularly noticed it, and said to

Lord Lothian (an exceeding large man), Lothian, I have heard much of

your agility, let us see you run up after that boy. Sire, replied Lord

Lothian, it is my duty to follow your majesty.

763. A gentleman crossing a very narrow bridge, which was not railed on

either side to secure passengers from falling, said to a countryman whom

he met, Me-thinks this narrow causeway must be very dangerous, honest

friend! pray are not people lost here sometimes? Lost! no, sir, replied

the man, I never knew anybody lost here in my life; there have been

several drowned, but they were always found again.

764. The Earl of P― kept a number of swine at his seat in Wiltshire,

and crossing the yard one day he was surprised to see the pigs gathered

round one trough, and making a great noise. Curiosity prompted him to

see what was the cause, and on looking into the trough he perceived a

large silver spoon. Just at this crisis a servant maid came out, and

began to abuse the pigs for crying so. Well they may, said his lordship,

when they have got but one silver spoon among them all.

765. Pierre Zapata, court jester to Charles V., being one day made a

butt of by his master, that prince, expecting some joke in return, said

to his courtiers, I shall be soon paid for this. To which the jester

replied, Not so soon as you imagine, sire; I am not prompt in paying

those who are so tardy in paying others! This repartee was found the

more lively, owing to Zapata and the officers of the court not having

for a long time received their pensions.

766. David Hartley, member for Hull, during the coalition

administration, was remarkable for the length and dulness of his

speeches. On one occasion, having reduced the house from three hundred

to about eighty sleepy hearers, by one of his harangues, just at the

time it was supposed he would conclude, he moved that the Riot Act

should be read, in order to prove one of his previous assertions. Burke,

who had been bursting with impatience for full an hour and a half, and

who was anxious to speak to the question, finding himself about to be so

disappointed, rose, exclaiming, The Riot Act, my dear friend! the Riot

Act! to what purpose? Don’t you see that the mob is already completely

dispersed? Every person present was convulsed with laughter, except

Hartley, who never changed countenance, and who still insisted that the

Riot Act should be read by the clerk.

767. When Lord Townshend was lord lieutenant of Ireland, the then

provost of Dublin lost no opportunity of repeating his solicitations for

places. My dear Hely, said his lordship, you have a great many things,

and I have nothing to give but a majority in the dragoons. I accept it

then, replied the provost. What! you take a majority! answered his

lordship, zounds, it is impossible; I only meant it as a joke. And I

accept it, replied the provost, merely to show you how well I can take a

joke.

768. A lunatic in Bedlam was asked how he came there? he answered, By a

dispute. What dispute? The bedlamite replied, The world said I was mad;

I said the world was mad; and they outvoted me.

769. When Sir Elijah Impey, the Indian judge, was on his passage home,

as he was one day walking the deck, it having blown pretty hard the

preceding day, a shark was playing by the side of the ship. Having never

seen such an object before, he called to one of the sailors to tell him

what it was. Why, replied the tar, I don’t know what name they know them

by ashore, but here we call them sea-lawyers.

770. A gentleman observed one day to Mr. Henry Erskine, who was a great

punster, that punning is the lowest sort of wit. It is so, answered he,

and therefore the foundation of all.

771. A lady, who made pretensions to the most refined feelings, went to

her butcher to remonstrate with him on his cruel practices. How, said

she, can you be so barbarous as to put innocent little lambs to death?

Why not, madam, said the butcher; you would not eat them alive, would

you?

772. When Rochelle was besieged by the royalist armies in 1627, the

inhabitants elected for their mayor, captain, and governor, Jean Guiton.

This brave man at first modestly refused the office; but being pressed

by all his fellow-townsmen, he took up a poignard and said, I will be

mayor, since you wish it, but on the condition that I may be permitted

to strike this poignard to the heart of the first who speaks of

surrendering. I consent that you shall do the same to me, if I mention

capitulating; and I demand that this poignard lie always ready on the

table, when we assemble in the Town House. Cardinal de Richelieu, who

conducted the operations of the siege, had raised a mole before the gate

of the city, which shut up the entrance, and prevented provisions from

reaching it. Some one saying to Guiton that many of the people had

perished of hunger, and that death would soon sweep away all the

inhabitants―Well, said he coolly, it will be sufficient if one remains

to shut the gates.

773. Among the addresses presented upon the accession of James the

First, was one from the ancient town of Shrewsbury, wishing his majesty

might reign as long as the sun, moon, and stars endured. Faith, mon,

said the king to the person who presented it, if I do, my son must reign

by candlelight.

774. A Frenchman meeting an English soldier with a Waterloo medal, began

sneeringly to animadvert on our government for bestowing such a trifle,

which did not cost them three francs. That is true, to be sure, replied

the hero, it did not cost the English government three francs, but it

cost the French a Napoleon.

775. Collins the poet, though of a melancholy cast of mind, was by no

means averse to a _jeu de mot_, or quibble. Upon coming into a town the

day after a young lady, of whom he was fond, had left it, he said, How

unlucky it was that he had come a day after the fair.

776. A negro in Jamaica was tried for theft, and ordered to be flogged.

He begged to be heard, which being granted, he asked, If white man buy

stolen goods, why he be no flogged too? Well, said the judge, so he

would. Dere den, replied Mungo, is my massa; he buy tolen goods―he knew

me tolen, and yet he buy me.

777. Some sailors, who had made a great deal of prize-money, once

determined on purchasing a horse for the use of the mess; accordingly,

one of them was pitched upon to buy the horse. As soon as this honest

tar got on shore, he went to a noted horse-dealer, who brought out a

very clever-looking horse for the sailor’s inspection, which he

particularly recommended to him, as being a nice, short-backed horse.

Ay, that may be, said the sailor, and that is the very reason he won’t

do, for there is seven of us.

778. The late Dr. Glover, well known for being one of the best

companions in the world, was returning from a tavern one morning early,

across Covent Garden, when a chairman cried out, A chair! your honour, a

chair! Glover took no notice, but called his dog, who was a good way

behind, Scrub, Scrub, Scrub! Och, indeed! says the chairman, there goes

a pair o’ ye! The facetious doctor gave his countryman half-a-crown for

the merry witticism.

779. A nabob, in a severe fit of the gout, told his physician that he

suffered the pains of the damned. The doctor coolly answered, What,

already!

780. A surgeon aboard a ship of war used to prescribe salt water for his

patients in all disorders. Having sailed one evening, on a party of

pleasure, he happened, by some mischance, to be drowned. The captain,

who had not heard of the disaster, asked one of the tars next day if he

had heard anything of the doctor. Yes, answered Jack, after a turn of

his quid, he was drowned last night in his medicine chest.

781. The celebrated Daniel Burgess, dining with a gentleman of his

congregation, a large Cheshire cheese, uncut, was brought to table.

Where shall I cut it? asked Daniel. Anywhere you please, Mr. Burgess,

answered the gentleman. Upon which Daniel handed it to the servant,

desiring him to carry it to his house, and he would cut it at home.

782. How does your new purchased horse answer? said the late Duke of

Cumberland to George Selwyn. I really don’t know, replied George, for I

never asked him a question.

783. A young fellow once came dancing, whistling, and singing into a

room where old Colley Cibber sat coughing and spitting; and, cutting a

caper, triumphantly exclaimed, There, you old put, what would you give

to be as young as I am? Why, young man, replied he, I would agree to be

almost as foolish.

784. A recruiting serjeant addressing an honest country bumpkin in one

of the streets in Manchester, with Come my lad, thou’lt fight for thy

king, won’t thou? Voight for my king, answered Hodge, why, has he fawn

out wi’ ony body?

785. After a battle lately between two celebrated pugilists, an Irishman

made his way to the chaise, where the one who had lost the battle had

been conveyed, and said to him, How are you, my good fellow? can you see

at all with the eye that’s knocked out?

786. Two dinner-hunters meeting at Pall Mall a short time back, one

inquired of the other how he had been for some days? He replied, In a

very poor way indeed. I have not been able to eat anything at all. God

bless me! said his hungry friend, that is extremely strange, you

generally have a very good appetite, you must have been seriously ill.

Oh! not at all, believe me, you misconceive my meaning; I could have

eaten, but the reason why I have not been able to do so is, that no one

has invited me to dinner.

787. Mr. Curran was once asked, what an Irish gentleman, just arrived in

England, could mean by perpetually putting out his tongue? I suppose,

replied the wit, he’s trying to catch the English accent.

788. Have you anything else old? said an English lady at Rome, to a boy

of whom she had bought some modern antiques; Yes, said the young urchin,

thrusting forward his hat, which had seen some dozen summers, my hat is

very old. The lady rewarded his wit.

789. The late celebrated penurious H. Jennings, esq., who was reputed to

be the richest commoner in England, when at the age of 92, was applied

to by one of his tenants, then in the 80th year of his age, to renew his

lease for a further term of 14 years, when, after some general

observations, Mr. Jennings coolly said, Take a lease for 21 years, or

you will be troubling me again!

790. Sancho, said a dying planter to his slave, for your faithful

services, I mean now to do you an honour; and leave it in my will, that

you shall be buried in our family ground. Ah, massa! replied Sancho,

Sancho no good to be buried; Sancho rather have de money or de freedom;

besides, if de devil should come in de dark to look for massa, he might

mistake, and take de poor negar man.

791. Two gentlemen, the other day, conversing together, one asked the

other, if ever he had gone through Euclid. The reply was, I have never

been farther from Liverpool than Runcon, and I don’t recollect any place

of that name.

792. Lady Rachel is put to bed, said Sir Boyle to a friend. What has she

got? Guess. A boy? No; guess again. A girl? Who told you?

793. The wife of a Scotch laird being suddenly taken very ill, the

husband ordered the servant to get a horse ready to go to the next town

to the doctor; by the time, however, the horse was ready, and his letter

to the doctor written, the lady recovered, on which he added the

following postcript, and sent off the messenger: My wife being

recovered, you need not come.

794. In a company, consisting of naval officers, the discourse happened

to turn on the ferocity of small animals; when an Irish gentleman

present stated his opinion to be, that a Kilkenny cat, of all animals,

was the most ferocious; and added, I can prove my assertion by a fact

within my own knowledge: I once, said he, saw two of these animals

fighting in a timber yard, and willing to see the result of a long

battle, I drove them into a deep saw-pit, and placing some boards over

the mouth, left them to their amusement. Next morning I went to see the

conclusion of the fight, and what d’ye think I saw? One of the cats dead

probably, replied one of the company. No, by St. Patrick, there was

nothing left in the pit but the two tails, and a bit of flue.

795. Dr. Wall, at a public dinner, was playing with a cork upon the

table. What a dirty hand Dr. W. has, said Mr. E. I will bet you a bottle

there is a dirtier in company, said the doctor, who had overheard. Done.

Upon which he produced his other hand, and won the wager.

796. Dr. Ratcliffe being in a tavern one evening, a gentleman entered in

great haste, almost speechless: Doctor, my wife is at the point of

death, make haste, come with me. Not till I have finished my bottle,

however, replied the doctor. The man, who happened to be a fine athletic

fellow, finding entreaty useless, snatched up the doctor, hoisted him on

his back, and carried him out of the tavern; the moment he set the

doctor upon his legs, he received from him, in a very emphatic manner,

the following threat: Now, you rascal, I’ll cure your wife in spite of

you.

797. A little girl, who knew very well the painful anxiety which her

mother had long suffered, during a tedious course of litigation, hearing

that she had at last lost her law-suit, innocently cried out, O, my dear

mama! how glad I am that you have lost that nasty law-suit, which used

to give you so much trouble and uneasiness.

798. A gentleman, who possessed a small estate in Gloucestershire, was

allured to town by the promises of a courtier, who kept him in constant

attendance for a long while to no purpose; at last the gentleman, quite

tired out, called upon his pretended friend, and told him that he had at

last got a place. The courtier shook him very heartily by the hand, and

said he was very much rejoiced at the event: But pray, sir, said he,

where is your place? In the Gloucester coach, replied the other; I

secured it last night; and so good-bye to you.

799. Mr. Rogers was requested by Lady Holland to ask Sir Philip Francis,

whether he was the author of Junius. The poet approached the knight,

Will your kindness, Sir Philip, excuse my addressing to you a single

question? At your peril, sir! was the harsh and the laconic answer. The

bard returned to his friends, who eagerly asked him the result of his

application. I don’t know, he answered, whether he is Junius: but, if he

be, he is certainly Junius Brutus.

800. A girl forced by her parents into a disagreeable match with an old

man, whom she detested, when the clergyman came to that part of the

service where the bride is asked if she consents to take the bridegroom

for her husband, said, with great simplicity, Oh dear, no, sir; but you

are the first person who has asked my opinion upon the affair.

801. It is well known that the veterans who preside at the examinations

of surgeons, question minutely those who wish to become qualified. After

answering very satisfactorily to the numerous inquiries made, a young

gentleman was asked, if he wished to give his patient a profuse

perspiration, what he would prescribe. He mentioned many diaphoretic

medicines in case the first failed, but the unmerciful questioner thus

continued, Pray, sir, suppose none of those succeeded, what step would

you take next? Why, sir, enjoined the harassed young Esculapius, I would

send him here to be examined; and if that did not give him a sweat, I do

not know what would.

802. There is a celebrated reply of Mr. Curran to a remark of Lord

Clare, who exclaimed at one of his legal positions, O! if that be law,

Mr. Curran, I may burn my law books! Better read them, my lord, was the

sarcastic and appropriate rejoinder.

803. Rock, the comedian, when at Covent Garden, advised one of the

scene-shifters, who had met with an accident, to the plan of a

subscription; and a few days afterwards he asked for the list of names,

which, when he read it over, he returned. Why, Rock, said the poor

fellow, won’t you give me something? Zounds, man, replied the other,

didn’t I give you the hint.

804. When Mr. Hankey was in vogue as a great banker, a sailor had as

part of his pay, a draft on him for fifty pounds. This the sailor

thought an immense sum, and calling at the house, insisted upon seeing

the master in private. This was at length acceded to; and when the

banker and the sailor met together, the following conversation ensued.

Sailor: Mr. Hankey, I’ve got a tickler for you―didn’t like to expose

you before the lads.―Hankey: That was kind. Pray, what’s this

tickler?―Sailor: Never mind, don’t be afraid, I won’t hurt you; ’tis a

fifty.―Hankey: Ah! that’s a tickler, indeed.―Sailor: Don’t fret; give

me five pounds now, and the rest at so much a week, I shan’t mention it

to anybody.

805. A conceited coxcomb once said to a barber’s boy, Did you ever shave

a monkey? Why no, sir, replied the boy, never; but if you will please to

sit down, I will try.

806. An Irishman, a short time since, bid an extraordinary price for an

alarum clock, and gave as a reason, That, as he loved to rise early, he

had nothing to do but to pull the string, and he could wake himself.

807. A certain noble lord being in his early years much addicted to

dissipation, his mother advised him to take example by a gentleman,

whose food was herbs, and his drink water. What! madam, said he, would

you have me to imitate a man who eats like a beast and drinks like a

fish?

808. The town of Chartres was besieged by Henry IV., and at last

capitulated. The magistrate of the town, on giving up his keys,

addressed his majesty:―This town belongs to your highness by divine

law, and by human law. And by cannon law, too, added Henry.

809. The Marquis St. André applied to Louvois, the war-minister of Louis

XIV., for a small place then vacant. Louvois having received some

complaints against the marquis, refused to comply. The nobleman,

somewhat nettled, rather hastily said, If I were to enter again into the

service, I know what I would do. And pray what would you do? inquired

the minister in a furious tone. St. André recollected himself, and had

the presence of mind to say, I would take care to behave in such a

manner, that your excellency should have nothing to reproach me with.

Louvois, agreeably surprised at this reply, immediately granted his

request.

810. An Irish soldier, who came over with General Moore, being asked if

he met with much hospitality in Holland? O yes, replied he, too much: I

was in the hospital almost all the time I was there.

811. Henry IV. having bestowed the _cordon bleu_ on a nobleman, at the

solicitation of the Duke de Nevers, when the collar was put on, the

nobleman made the customary speech, Sire, I am not worthy. I know it

well, said the king, but I give you the order to please my cousin De

Nevers.

812. Dr. A., physician at Newcastle, being summoned to a vestry, in

order to reprimand the sexton for drunkenness, he dwelt so long on the

sexton’s misconduct, as to raise his choler so as to draw from him this

expression:―Sir, I was in hopes you would have treated my failings with

more gentleness, or that you would have been the last man alive to

appear against me, as I have covered so many blunders of yours!

813. When I have a cold in my head, said a gentleman in company, I am

always remarkably dull and stupid. You are much to be pitied, then, sir,

replied another, for I don’t remember ever to have seen you without.

814. A prisoner, at the bar of the Mayor’s Court, being called on to

plead to an indictment for larceny, was told by the clerk to hold up his

right hand. The man immediately held up his left hand. Hold up your

right hand, said the clerk. Please your honour, said the culprit, still

keeping up his left hand, I am left-handed.

815. In a large party, one evening, the conversation turned upon young

men’s allowance at College. Tom Sheridan lamented the ill-judging

parsimony of many parents, in that respect. I am sure, Tom, said his

father, you need not complain; I always allowed you eight hundred a

year. Yes, father, I must confess you allowed it; but then it was never

paid.

816. When Dr. Parr’s preface to Bellendenus was the theme of general

admiration, Horne Tooke said of it, rather contemptuously, It consists

of mere scraps; alluding to the frequent use of the Ciceronean language.

This sarcasm was mentioned to Parr, who afterwards meeting Tooke, said

to him, So, Mr. Tooke, you think my Preface mere scraps? True, replied

Tooke, with inimitable readiness, but you know, my dear Doctor, scraps

are often tit-bits.

817. An old woman received a letter from the post-office, at New York.

Not knowing how to read, and being anxious to know the contents,

supposing it to be from one of her absent sons, she called on a person

near to read the letter to her. He accordingly began and read:

Charleston, June 23, 1826. Dear mother,―then making a stop to find out

what followed (as the writing was rather bad), the old lady

exclaimed―Oh, ’tis my poor Jerry, he always stuttered!

818. When Kleber was in Egypt, he sustained, during five hours, with

only two thousand men, the united efforts of twenty thousand. He was

nearly surrounded, was wounded, and had only a narrow defile by which to

escape. In this extremity, he called to him a chef de bataillon, named

Chevardin, for whom he had a particular regard. Take, said he to him, a

company of grenadiers, and stop the enemy at the ravine. You will be

killed, but you will save your comrades. Yes, general, replied

Chevardin. He gave his watch and his pocket-book to his servant,

executed the order, and his death, in fact, arrested the enemy, and

saved the French.

819. An Irish gentleman was relating in company that he saw a terrible

wind the other night. Saw a wind! said another, I never heard of a wind

being seen! But, pray, what was it like? Like to have blown my house

about my ears, replied the first.

820. Dr. O’Connor, in his History of Poland, says that the Irish are

long-lived; that some of them attain to the age of a hundred: in short,

adds the doctor, they live as long as they can.

821. An Irish labourer bought a pair of shoes, and at the same time

asked the shoemaker, if he could tell him what would prevent them going

down on the sides? The shoemaker said, The only way to prevent that was

to change them every morning. Pat accordingly returned the following

morning, called for a pair of shoes, fitted them on, left the pair he

bought the day before, and was walking out of the shop without further

notice, when the shoemaker called to him to know what he was doing,

telling him at the same time, that he had forgotten to pay for the shoes

he had just bought. And is it what am I doing, you ask? Am not I doing

what you told me yesterday, changing my shoes every morning?

822. Notwithstanding the perpetual contention between Rich and Garrick

for the favour of the town, they lived upon very friendly terms. Rich

had improved his house at Covent Garden, and made it capable of holding

more. Garrick went with him to see it, and asked him in the theatrical

phrase, How much money it would hold? Sir, said Rich, that question I am

at present unable to answer, but were you to appear but one night on my

stage, I should be able to tell you to the utmost shilling.

823. Sir William Curtis lately sat near a gentleman at a civic dinner,

who alluded to the excellence of the knives, adding, that articles

manufactured from Cast steel were of a very superior quality, such as

razors, forks, &c. Aye, replied the facetious baronet, and soap

too―there’s no soap like Castile soap.

824. A miller, who attempted to be witty at the expense of a youth of

weak intellects, accosted him with, John, people say that you are a

fool. To this, John replied, I don’t know that I am, sir; I know some

things, sir, and some things I don’t know, sir. Well, John, what do you

know? I know that millers always have fat hogs, sir. And what don’t you

know? I don’t know whose corn they eat, sir.

825. When Dr. Ehrenberg (the Prussian traveller) was in Egypt, he said

to a peasant, I suppose you are quite happy now; the country looks like

a garden, and every village has its minaret. God is great! replied the

peasant; our master gives with one hand and takes with two.

826. Frank Hayman was a dull dog. When he buried his wife, a friend

asked him why he expended so much money on her funeral? Ah, sir, replied

he, she would have done as much, or more, for me, with pleasure.

827. At a doctor’s shop, a few doors from Westminster Bridge, may be

seen written up the following notification: ― ―, surgeon,

apothecary, and accoucheur to the king.

828. A certain bishop having recently conferred a piece of preferment on

an able and amiable divine, resident near London, the gentleman wrote to

his son, who was at school at Brighton, announcing the circumstance;

adding, how extremely kind the bishop had been in giving him a stall: to

which the youth returned the following answer: Dear father, I am

extremely glad to hear of your preferment―now the bishop has given you

another stall, perhaps you will keep a horse for me.

829. Some one seeing a beggar in his shirt, in winter, as brisk as

another muffled up to the ears in furs, asked him how he could endure to

go so? The man of many wants replied, Why, sir, you go with your face

bare; I am all face. A good reply, for a regular beggar, whether taken

in a jocose or a philosophical sense.

830. How do you find yourself, Mrs. Judy? said a St. Bartholomew’s

surgeon, after taking off the arm of an Irish basket-woman. How do I

find myself? why, without my arm―how the devil else should I?

831. A loving husband once waited on a physician to request him to

prescribe for his wife’s eyes, which were very sore. Let her wash them,

said the doctor, every morning, with a small glass of brandy. A few

weeks after, the doctor chanced to meet the husband. Well, my friend,

has your wife followed my advice? She has done everything in her power

to do it, doctor, said the spouse, but she never could get the glass

higher than her mouth.

832. Two Scotch clergymen, who were not so long-headed as they

themselves imagined, met one day at the turning of a street, and ran

their heads together unawares. The shock was rather stunning to one of

them. He pulled off his hat, and laying his hand on his forehead, said,

Sic a thump! my heed’s a’ ringing again. Nae wonder, said his companion,

your heed was aye Boss (empty), that makes it ring; my heed disna ring a

bit. How could it ring, said the other, seeing it is cracket? cracket

vessels never ring.―Each described the other to a T.

833. I will save you a thousand pounds, said an Irishman to an old

gentleman, if you don’t stand in your own light. How? You have a

daughter, and you intend to give her ten thousand as a marriage portion.

I do, sir. I will take her with nine thousand.

834. An Irishman telling what he called an excellent story, a gentleman

observed, he had met with it in a book published many years ago.

Confound those ancients, said Teague, they are always stealing one’s

good thoughts.

835. A man of the name of Mark Noble, passing by the garrison at Hull,

the sentinel, as usual, called out, Who goes there? Twenty shillings,

answered Mark. That cannot be, said the sentinel. Why, a Mark and a

Noble make twenty shillings, said Mark.

836. I live in Julia’s eyes, said an affected dandy in Colman’s hearing.

I don’t wonder at it, replied George, since I observed she had a sty in

them when I saw her last.

837. A veteran at the battle of Trafalgar, who was actively employed at

one of the guns on the quarter-deck of the Britannia, had his leg shot

off below the knee, and observed to an officer, who was ordering him to

be conveyed to the cockpit, That’s but a shilling touch; an inch higher

and I should have had my eighteen pence for it; alluding by this to the

scale of pensions allowed for wounds, which, of course, increase

according to their severity. The same hearty fellow, as they were

lifting him on a brother tar’s shoulders, said to one of his friends,

Bob, take a look for my leg, and give me the silver buckle out of my

shoe; I’ll do as much for you, please God, some other time.

838. Some time after Louis XIV. had collated the celebrated Bossuet to

the bishopric of Meaux, he asked the citizens how they liked their new

bishop. Why, your majesty, we like him pretty well. Pretty well! why

what fault have you to find with him? To tell your majesty the truth, we

should have preferred having a bishop who had finished his education;

for whenever we wait upon him, we are told that he is at his studies.

839. A boy who did not return after the holidays to Winchester school,

by the time the master had charged him to do, returned at last loaded

with a fine ham, as a bribe. The master took the ham, and told him, that

he might give his compliments to his mother for the ham, but assured him

it should not save his bacon, and flogged him.

840. Previous to a late general election, two candidates for a northern

county met in a ball-room. Why do you sit still? said a friend, to one

of them, whilst your opponent is tripping it so assiduously with the

electors’ wives and daughters? The aspirant for parliamentary fame

replied, I have no objection to his dancing for the county, if I am

allowed to sit for it.

841. An uninformed Irishman, hearing the Sphinx alluded to in company,

whispered to a friend, Sphinx! who is he now? A monster-man. Oh, a

Munster man! I thought he was from Connaught, replied the Irishman,

determined not to seem totally unacquainted with the family.

842. An Irish gentleman, sojourning at Mitchner’s Hotel, Margate, felt

much annoyed at the smallness of the bottles, considering the high price

of the wine. One evening, taking his glass with a friend in the

coffee-room, the pompous owner came in, when the gentleman, after

apologizing to Mitchner, told him he and his friend had laid a wager,

which he must decide, by telling him what profession he was bred to.

Mitchner, after some hesitation at the question, answered that he was

bred to the law. Then, said the gentleman, I have lost, for I laid that

you was bred a packer. A packer, sir! said Mitchner, swelling like a

turkey-cock, what could induce you, sir, to think I was bred a packer?

Why, sir, said the other, I judged so from your wine measures, for I

thought no man but a skilful packer could put a quart of wine into a

pint bottle.

843. Lady Carteret, wife of the lord lieutenant of Ireland, in Swift’s

time, said to him, The air of this country is good. For God’s sake,

madam, said Swift, don’t say so in England: if you do they will

certainly tax it.

844. King Charles II. was reputed a great connoisseur in naval

architecture. Being once at Chatham, to view a ship just finished, on

the stocks, he asked the famous Killigrew, if he did not think he should

make an excellent shipwright? who pleasantly replied, He always thought

his majesty would have done better at any other trade than his own. No

favourable compliment, but as true a one, perhaps, as ever was paid.

845. One day Dean Swift observed a great rabble assembled before the

deanery door, in Kevin Street, and upon inquiring into the cause of it,

he was told they were waiting to see the eclipse. He immediately sent

for the beadle and told him what he should do. Away ran Davy for his

bell, and after ringing it some time among the crowd, bawled out―O yes,

O yes? all manner of persons here concerned are desired to take notice,

that it is the Dean of St. Patrick’s good will and pleasure, that the

eclipse be put off till this time to-morrow! so God save the king and

his reverence the dean. The mob upon this dispersed; only some Irish

wit, more shrewd and cunning than the rest, said, with great

self-complacency, that they would not lose another afternoon, for that

the dean, who was a very comical man, might take it into his head to put

off the eclipse again, and so make fools of them a second time.

846. Some school-boys meeting a poor woman driving asses, one of them

said to her, Good morning, mother of asses! Good morning, my children,

was the reply.

847. A clergyman being at the point of death, a neighbouring brother,

who had some interest with his patron, applied to him for the next

presentation; upon which the former, who soon recovered, upbraided him

with a breach of friendship, and said he wanted his death. No, no,

doctor, said the other, you quite mistake: it was your living I wanted.

848. A gentleman in company complaining that he was very subject to

catch cold in his feet, another, not over-loaded with sense, told him

that might easily be prevented, if he would follow his directions. I

always get, said he, a thin piece of lead out of an India chest, and fit

it to my shoe for this purpose. Then, sir, said the former, you are like

a rope-dancer’s pole, you have lead at both ends.

849. The late Duchess of Kingston, who was remarkable for having a very

high sense of her own dignity, being one day detained in her carriage by

a cart of coals that was unloading in the street, she leaned with both

her arms upon the door, and asked the fellow, How dare you, sirrah, stop

a woman of quality in the street? Woman of quality! replied the man.

Yes, fellow, rejoined her grace, don’t you see my arms upon my carriage?

Yes, I do, indeed, said he, and a pair of plaguy coarse arms they are.

850. A worthy churchwarden of Canterbury lately excused himself, by

note, from a dinner party, by alleging that he was engaged in taking the

senses (census) of his parish.

851. On the day for renewing the licences of the publicans in the West

Riding of Yorkshire, one of the magistrates said to an old woman who

kept a little alehouse, that he trusted she did not put any pernicious

ingredients into the liquor; to which she replied, There is nought

pernicious put into our barrels but the exciseman’s stick.

852. Some soldiers at Chelsea were bragging of the privations they had

often undergone; when one of them said, he had slept for weeks on rough

boards, with a wooden pillow; the other observed, that was a comfort to

what he endured, having slept night after night, in Italy, on marble. An

Irish fisherman, who was in company, observed, It was all bother and

nonsense, for he had often slept on a bed of oysters.

853. A droll fellow, who got a livelihood by fiddling at fairs and about

the country, was one day met by an acquaintance that had not seen him a

great while, who accosted him thus: Bless me! what, are you alive? Why

not? answered the fiddler; did you send anybody to kill me? No, replied

the other, but I was told you were dead. Ay, so it was reported, it

seems, said the fiddler, but I knew it was false as soon as I heard it.

854. Mr. M―, the artist, was reading the paper the other day, while

his boy, who had the daily task of preparing his palette for him, was

rubbing in the various tints, when the boy suddenly stopped, and, with

an anxious look, said, Pray, sir, I have heard so much about it, will

you have the goodness to tell me what is the Color o’ Morbus?

855. Milton, the British Homer, and prince of modern poets, in his

latter days, and when he was blind―(a thing some men do with their eyes

open), married a shrew. The Duke of Buckingham one day, in Milton’s

hearing, called her a rose. I am no judge of flowers, observed Milton,

but it may be so, for I feel the thorns daily.

856. One of the wooden mitres, carved by Gui. Gibbon, over one of the

stalls, in the cathedral church of Canterbury, happening to become

loose, Jessy White, the surveyor of that edifice, inquired of the dean

whether he should make it fast; for, perhaps, said Jessy, it may fall on

your reverence’s head. Well, Jessy, suppose it does, answered the

humorous Cantab, suppose it does fall on my head, I don’t know that a

mitre falling on my head would hurt it.

857. A gentleman of Magdalen College, whose name was Nott, returning

late from his friend’s rooms in rather a merry mood, and, not quite able

to preserve his centre of gravity, in his way home, attracted the

attention of the proctor, who demanded his name and college. I am Nott

of Maudlin, was the hiccuping reply. Sir, said the proctor, in an angry

tone, I did not ask of what college you are not, but of what college you

are. I am Nott of Maudlin, was again the broken reply. The proctor,

enraged at what he considered contumely, insisted on accompanying him to

Maudlin, whither having arrived, he demanded of the porter whether he

knew the gentleman. Know him, sir, said the porter, yes, it is Mr. Nott,

of this college. The proctor now perceived his error in not

understanding the gentleman, and, laughing heartily at the affair,

wished him a good night.

858. Bishop Sherlock and Hoadly were both fresh-men of the same year, at

Catherine Hall, Cambridge. The classical subject in which they were

first lectured, was Tully’s Offices, and it so happened, one morning,

that Hoadly received a compliment from the tutor for the excellence of

his construing. Sherlock, a little vexed at the preference shown to his

rival (for such they then were), and, thinking to bore Hoadly by the

remark, said, when they left the lecture-room, Ben, you made good use of

L’Estrange’s translation to-day. Why, no, Tom, retorted Hoadly, I did

not, for I had not got one; and I forgot to borrow yours, which is the

only one in the college.

859. A cockney sportsman, being out one day amusing himself with

shooting, happened to fire through a hedge, on the other side of which

was a man, standing or leaning, no matter which. The shot passed through

the man’s hat, but missed the bird. Did you fire at me, sir? he hastily

asked. O no, sir, said the shrewd sportsman, I never hit what I fire at.

860. Some persons broke into the stables belonging to a troop of horse,

which was quartered at Carlisle, and wantonly docked the tail of every

horse close to the rump. The captain, relating the circumstance next

day, to a brother officer, said he was at a loss what to do with the

horses. I fancy you must dispose of them by wholesale, was the reply.

Why by wholesale? Because you’ll certainly find it impossible to retail

them.

861. At one of the Holland House Sunday dinner-parties, a few years ago,

Crockford’s club, then forming, was talked of; and the noble hostess

observed, that the female passion for diamonds was surely less ruinous

than the rage for play among men. In short, you think, said Mr. Rogers,

that clubs are worse than diamonds. This joke excited a laugh, and when

it had subsided, Sydney Smith wrote the following impromptu

sermonet―most appropriately on a card;

Thoughtless that “all that’s brightest fades,”

Unmindful of that Knave of Spades,

The Sexton and his Subs:

How foolishly we play our parts!

Our wives on diamonds set their hearts,

We set our hearts on clubs.

862. The Duke of Clarence jocularly observing to a captain of the navy,

that he heard he read the Bible, wished to know what he had learned from

it. The captain replied that there was one part of Scripture, at least,

which he well remembered, and thought it contained an admirable lesson.

What is that? cried the duke. Not to put my trust in princes! your royal

highness.

863. Mr. Abrahams, said Lord Mansfield, this man is your son, and cannot

go in the same bail bond. He ish not my son, my lord. Why, Mr. Abrahams,

here are twenty in court will prove it. I will shwear, my lord, he ish

not. Take care, Abrahams, or I will send you to the King’s Bench. Now,

my lord, if your lordship pleases, I will tell you the truth. Well, I

shall be glad to hear the truth from a Jew, replied Lord Mansfield. My

lord, I wash in Amsterdam two years and three quarters; when I came home

I findish this lad; now the law obliges me to maintain him; and

consequently, my lord, he ish but my son-in-law. Well, rejoined Lord

Mansfield, this is the best definition of a son-in-law I ever heard.

864. An Irishman being told that a friend of his had put his money in

the stocks, Well, said he, I never had a farthing in the stocks, but I

have had my legs often enough in them.

865. Dr. Fuller having requested one of his companions, who was a bon

vivant, to make an epitaph for him, received the following, with the

conceit of which he always expressed himself much pleased―“Here lies

Fuller’s earth.”

866. Two Irish seamen being on board a ship of war that was lying at

Spithead, one of them, looking on Haslar Hospital, observed, How much

that building puts me in mind of my father’s stables. Arrah, my honey,

cried the other, come with me, and I will shew you what will put you in

mind of your father’s house. So saying, he led him to the pig-sty.

There, said he, does not that put you in mind of your father’s parlour?

867. At a violent opposition election for Shrewsbury, in the reign of

George I., a half-pay officer, who was a non-resident burgess, was, with

some other voters, brought down from London at the expense of Mr.

Kynaston, one of the candidates. The old campaigner regularly attended

and feasted at the houses which were opened for the electors in Mr.

Kynaston’s interest, until the last day of the polling, when, to the

astonishment of the party, he gave his vote to his opponent. For this

strange conduct he was reproached by his quondam companions, and asked,

what could have induced him to act so dishonourable a part, and become

an apostate. An apostate! answered the old soldier―an apostate! by no

means. I made up my mind about whom I should vote for before I set out

upon this campaign; but I remembered the duke’s constant advice to us

when I served with our army in Flanders―Always quarter upon the enemy,

my lads; always quarter upon the enemy.

868. One of those Hibernian lapidaries to whose skill the London

pavements are so highly indebted, was tried at the Old Bailey one day

for biting off the nose of a Welchman, a brother paviour, in a quarrel,

at their work. The unfortunate Cambrian appeared in court with his

noseless countenance, and swore the fact against the prisoner; but

Dennis stoutly denied it, and called his gossip, another Hibernian

paviour, to give evidence in his defence. This witness, with great

apparent simplicity, stated, That to be sure his gossip and the other

man had a little bit of a scrimmage, and both fell together; that the

Welchman made several attempts to bite his gossip’s face, and at last he

made a twist of his mouth, and bit off his own nose in a mistake.

869. Counsellor Crips, of Cork, being on a party at Castle Martyr, the

seat of the Earl of Shannon, in Ireland, one of the company, who was a

physician, strolled out before dinner into the church-yard. Dinner being

served up, and the doctor not returned, some of the company were

expressing their surprise where he could be gone to. Oh, said the

counsellor, he is but just stepped out to pay a visit to some of his old

patients.

870. Sir John Davis, a Welchman, in the reign of King James I., wrote a

letter to the king in these words: Most mighty Prince! the gold mine

that was lately discovered in Ballycurry turns out to be a lead one.

871. An Irish gentleman in company, seeing that the lights were so dim

as only to render the darkness visible, called out lustily, Here,

waiter, let me have a couple of daycent candles, just that I may see how

these others burn.

872. An Irishman lately arriving in London, and passing through Broad

Street, observed a glass globe, containing some fine large gold fish, he

exclaimed―And sure, this is the first time in my life that I have seen

live red herrings.